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Episode 7

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Transcript


LineFromTo

My brother thought you were great.

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I think your brother is very nice,

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but I'm not doing anything till I'm certain what's happening with erm...

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me and Sean.

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I love you, you know that,

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but I can't...

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I can't do this any more.

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Contains strong language.

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-Hi.

-Jesus! Fuck!

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I was hoping you wouldn't come home yet. The cookies aren't ready.

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Get the fuck out of my house, you crazy Looney Tunes freak!

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-COOKER TIMER PINGS

-Oh! My cookies.

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So, we just wanted to check in.

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Get your take on how you think the show is going.

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Oh, phew. We were afraid you were cancelling us.

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SHE LAUGHS God! No!

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We'd never cancel you in person.

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That's good to know.

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So, how do you think it's going?

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Oh, come on. You don't really care what we think.

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You're just asking so we can get to what you think.

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-She's feisty today.

-Today?!

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THEY LAUGH

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So, how do you think it's going?

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Well, terrific. I think it's going terrific.

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The scripts are strong, the boys are scoring great.

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So why do I feel like there's a big "but" coming?

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HE LAUGHS

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A bit "butt"?! Actually...

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-THEY LAUGH

-Sorry?

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It's just...we're feeling like maybe Matt isn't quite as...

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slender as he used to be.

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-Slender? He's a chunk!

-Stop!

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It just seems like in the last few episodes,

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he's maybe looking a little...

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I'm going to stick with "chunk".

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You know what we're saying.

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Uh, he may have put on a pound or two.

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Has he?

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-Sean doesn't notice these things.

-I don't.

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It may just be this is Matt's way

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of dealing with his part getting cut down.

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Given that he's in the show less, does it even really matter?

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Well, clearly yeah, because it's giving him more time to eat.

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HE LAUGHS

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So, who cares? We did this show in the UK

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with a much, much bigger man.

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It certainly works.

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Look, I have no problem with fat. Fat people are funny.

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John Candy. Chris Farley.

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-That fat guy in Laurel and Hardy.

-Yeah.

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It's just that all those people started off fat.

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You can't start out sexy and then get fat.

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Not on TV!

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With your ratings being where they are...

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It's the last thing we need.

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Yeah, we need Hot Matt.

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Not Fat Matt.

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Mm, smells amazing!

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Who knew you could do this?

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Oh, I've been cooking since I was like five.

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My mom worked, so I was kind of the chef of the house.

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You really are a man of many talents.

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-All right, open your mouth.

-Oh, we're going to play that game, are we?

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HE LAUGHS

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Come on, open.

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Oh my God!

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Oh my God!

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This is like Italy-good.

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-OVEN TIMER PINGS

-And that would be?

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-My focaccia.

-Oh, come on!

-It's easy.

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Unbelievable. How could your wife leave you?

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I cheated on her.

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Ah.

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PHONE RINGS Speaking of...

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Hey.

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Hey. Guess who dropped by the boys' school this afternoon?

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Er, can we do this later?

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No. Come on, guess!

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I give up. Who?

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How about your fucking stalker?!

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Oh shit!

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A-ha, that's right.

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Your little nut bundle showed up at the boys' school

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cos she thought you were picking them up today.

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She's really got to get her schedule straight.

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Go, you idiot!

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So what happened?

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I called the police is what happened.

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You better do something about her.

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Well, what do you want me to do? I got a restraining order.

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So restrain her!

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Cos if that fucking lunatic comes near my kids again,

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I swear to God...

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All right, OK. I'll call my security guy.

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Yeah, cos he's doing such a good job so far(!)

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It's green, asshole!

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CAR HORN BLARES

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Hey there.

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Well, look who's back.

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Just driving ET to work.

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Shut up!

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Morning.

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She's afraid some paparazzi will get a picture of her with her, uh...

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So she lies down in the back.

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I like to pretend I'm kidnapping her.

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You ARE a good brother.

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-It's on my way to work, so it's not that big a deal.

-And where is work?

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Oh, right now, Beverly Hills.

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Oh?

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I paint houses.

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-Really?

-Yeah, really.

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Someone not in show business -

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I don't think my brain can process that.

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-Yeah.

-There's not a lot of us.

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It's basically me, two gardeners and a plumber.

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Although the plumber's working on a screenplay, so...

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-SHE LAUGHS

-Oh, there you are.

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Oh, Sean, this is Morning's brother, Rob.

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Oh, hello. I didn't know Morning had a brother.

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Oh, she kind of keeps me under wraps.

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You know, since I'm aging in human years.

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-Right. I like your truck.

-Aw, thanks.

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I drove a truck one summer. Loved it.

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You mean that ice cream truck?

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-Still a truck.

-With popsicles.

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-Still a truck.

-Yeah.

-HE LAUGHS

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Matt's in his dressing room. We should get this over with.

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Oh, God!

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I wouldn't want to keep you from whatever "Oh, God" is.

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You do not want to know.

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There's always painting houses.

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Sounding better by the minute.

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Have fun.

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Ha-ha(!)

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-He seems nice.

-Uh-huh.

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I like his truck.

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Please understand what we're about to tell you is not coming from us.

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Especially me.

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-From either of us.

-Yeah.

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OK.

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This is the network talking. We are merely the messengers here.

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Yeah, don't shoot the messengers.

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All right, you guys are freaking me out. What?

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The network feels...

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They feel that you

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may have put on a little bit of weight.

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Are you fucking kidding me?!

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We are fucking not.

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HE SIGHS Wow!

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OK, first of all, I haven't gained one pound since I started this show.

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Thank you. They're all going on about,

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"He's gained so much weight", and I'm like,

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"I'm sorry, I just don't see it".

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He says everyone's going on about this. Does that include you?

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I was not the one who said "chunk".

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I may have said you gained a little.

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-Which I haven't.

-Obviously.

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I stand corrected.

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But you think I look like I have?

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I think you're an enormously attractive man...

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See, and I'm just hearing the word "enormous".

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I'm not the one who sees the problem here. I think you look great.

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Hello, who's the only one in this room who's slept with you?

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Right. Like we all weren't thinking it(!)

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-I wasn't.

-Who would think that? Why would I even...?

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What's that got to do with anything?

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Oh.

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-Well then, so who called me a "chunk"?

-It wasn't me.

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Yes! We all know it wasn't you!

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Was it that prick Merc?

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It was that prick Merc.

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If anything, I'd say you'd lost weight.

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-I didn't know you smoke.

-Not since the '70s.

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But since I went Smurf-face, it's like, "Who gives a shit?" Whatever.

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How about you?

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No, I gave up.

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-Good for you.

-Can I have one?

-Sure.

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So my brother asked about you again.

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He called you "fetching".

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Like a dog with a stick?

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-Like he really likes you.

-Hmm.

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That's very nice.

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Come on. He's a great guy. Let him take you to dinner.

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SHE SIGHS

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Well, it does appear to be my day

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for doing things I said I wouldn't do.

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Yay, that's great! I'll have him call you.

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This is nice - we should hang out more.

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Hmm, you fellated my husband.

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I what?

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Oh. Yeah. OK.

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'It's such bullshit!'

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-Believe me, I am with you 100%.

-Yeah, I get that.

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I'm embarrassed for them, frankly. I mean, who are they to judge you?

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What?

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Nothing.

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Eat it. Have it. It looks nice.

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Why wouldn't you...?

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It's a doughnut.

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Just a doughnut, have two.

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It's a doughnut. Have it.

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What? You deserve it. You...

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Fat fuck!

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Is that jam in your ear?

0:10:460:10:48

-Oh, it might be. Might very well be.

-Picture up!

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Am I crazy, or are we seeing the shadow of his,

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erm...

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What?

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His, erm, crotchal area.

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I don't think that's what... Oh yes, it is.

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Are you guys seeing it too?

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I didn't at first.

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Now I can't look away.

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It's like trying not to look at an eclipse.

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Yeah, but that can't be his...

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Right? I mean it's just too...

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Erm...

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It's not beyond the realm of possibility.

0:11:310:11:33

OK, Matt.

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It would be all right if he just...

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moves it to the other side.

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Who's going to tell him that?!

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Don't look at me - he'll probably throw it at me.

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Look, no, no, no, no.

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I have had too many hideous tasks for one day.

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(You're the director. Direct...it.)

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Here goes.

0:12:050:12:06

-Hey...

-Sure.

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What's up?

0:12:160:12:18

I was just noticing on the monitor,

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erm, your pants...

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Where are you?

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I'm here.

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Hmm. Not really.

0:13:280:13:31

What's wrong?

0:13:310:13:33

Nothing.

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For a good actor, you're a terrible liar.

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You think I'm a good actor? SHE LAUGHS

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Did you even hear the rest of that sentence?

0:13:410:13:44

Yeah. "For a good actor"... something.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Come on.

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It's your fucking husband.

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What?

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He, he thinks I'm fat!

0:14:020:14:03

You're kidding.

0:14:030:14:05

No. He said I'm a "chunk".

0:14:050:14:08

That's insane! Talk about a really big pot calling the kettle...

0:14:080:14:13

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm a kettle?

0:14:130:14:15

No! You are so not a kettle.

0:14:150:14:19

Don't do that. You look amazing.

0:14:190:14:24

Erm, I don't know how to tell you this, but...

0:14:240:14:28

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have hands. I can feel.

0:14:280:14:32

You feel like you look - amazing.

0:14:320:14:35

-Yeah?

-Hmm.

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Do - not - listen to him.

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You're perfect, just the way you are.

0:14:440:14:47

Mm-wah!

0:14:480:14:51

Wow!

0:14:530:14:54

What?

0:14:540:14:56

Because I kissed your belly?

0:14:570:14:59

-Oh, so it's a belly?!

-Oh, my God!

0:14:590:15:02

You know who has a belly?

0:15:030:15:06

Santa has a belly!

0:15:060:15:07

Stop it. You are not fat.

0:15:070:15:09

-I'm sure that's what Mrs Claus says!

-Don't do this.

-What?

0:15:090:15:13

If I wanted to fight, I could have stayed with my husband.

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Who's fighting?

0:15:150:15:17

Fine. But if you want me to go, my driver's right outside.

0:15:170:15:20

No.

0:15:230:15:25

No. Let's just talk about something else.

0:15:250:15:29

We don't have to talk.

0:15:300:15:32

Mm.

0:15:370:15:39

They had a whole fucking meeting about it at the network.

0:15:430:15:47

They have fucking meetings about everything.

0:15:470:15:49

They have fucking meetings about fucking meetings!

0:15:490:15:52

You have got to stop this. You're gorgeous, end of story.

0:15:520:15:56

OK, I got to go back to you're really not the best person to judge.

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All right, let's say you are a "chunk"...

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Let's say you're a big fat "chunk". So what?

0:16:040:16:08

So what?!

0:16:080:16:09

Do you think if I could see, I wouldn't still be here?

0:16:090:16:12

No, you're right - you married the pot.

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And you weren't even blind yet.

0:16:150:16:17

You know what - I don't like you like this.

0:16:170:16:19

-Like what? Fat?!

-Call me when you're ready to be a person.

0:16:190:16:22

Will do.

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Soon as I can get my fat fingers to push the buttons on the phone(!)

0:16:240:16:28

Ho-ho-ho!

0:16:280:16:29

PHONE RINGS

0:16:310:16:35

Hello?

0:16:360:16:37

Why did I agree to do this?

0:16:370:16:39

Hi, honey.

0:16:390:16:41

A date. A date?!

0:16:410:16:42

I haven't been on a date in ten years,

0:16:420:16:45

and even then I was shit at it.

0:16:450:16:46

You'll be fine.

0:16:460:16:47

You wouldn't say that if you'd ever dated me.

0:16:470:16:50

I'm serious. I am awful at it.

0:16:500:16:53

The minute it's a "date", I become this whole other person.

0:16:530:16:56

I feel judged. I judge myself.

0:16:560:16:58

I sweat. A normal sentence becomes a cluster-fuck of words.

0:16:580:17:03

All right, relax. It's just a date.

0:17:030:17:06

They're going to give you alcohol. They're going to give you food.

0:17:060:17:09

In two hours, you're done. It's like a flight to Omaha.

0:17:090:17:13

Only, when it's over, you're not in Omaha.

0:17:130:17:16

I wish I was in Omaha.

0:17:160:17:18

Stop freaking yourself out, OK?

0:17:180:17:19

It's not like you have to sleep with him.

0:17:190:17:23

I wasn't even thinking about that.

0:17:230:17:25

Are you serious? Then why are you putting yourself through this?

0:17:250:17:29

So, you look really nice.

0:17:400:17:42

Oh, I don't, but thank you.

0:17:420:17:45

Yes, you do. And you're welcome.

0:17:450:17:48

Oh, well, it's new.

0:17:480:17:51

In the shop, it looked black. Turns out it's swamp.

0:17:510:17:54

THEY LAUGH

0:17:540:17:55

Ooh! Olives.

0:17:550:17:58

Oh, too spicy?

0:18:010:18:02

Sorry, I should have warned you.

0:18:040:18:05

No. They're delicious.

0:18:070:18:09

You OK?

0:18:130:18:15

I'm great. This is fun.

0:18:150:18:20

So, house painting? Bet you've got some stories.

0:18:200:18:23

You CAN spit it out.

0:18:310:18:33

Uh-uh.

0:18:330:18:34

Why don't I move those?

0:18:340:18:36

-Mm-hm.

-Mm.

0:18:360:18:38

Bev?

0:18:380:18:40

(Oh, Christ!)

0:18:420:18:44

How small is this world?

0:18:440:18:46

Much too small!

0:18:460:18:48

-Andrew, Rob. Rob, Andrew.

-Hey.

0:18:480:18:52

Andrew was our PA. Now he's a big-time screen writer.

0:18:520:18:55

-Oh.

-And director.

0:18:550:18:56

Yes. Right.

0:18:560:18:59

Olive?

0:18:590:19:00

Oh, that's very kind, but no, I don't want to fill up.

0:19:000:19:04

Big dinner here.

0:19:040:19:06

So where's Sean?

0:19:060:19:08

Erm, I don't know, actually.

0:19:130:19:15

What?

0:19:150:19:18

No! Oh no, oh God! You're kidding me!

0:19:200:19:24

No! No way!

0:19:240:19:26

Oh, I'm so sorry.

0:19:280:19:29

It's all really fine.

0:19:300:19:32

No, it's not. If you two can't make it,

0:19:320:19:35

what hope is there for the rest of us?

0:19:350:19:36

-Anyway...

-Oh, right, I should, I should get out of here.

0:19:380:19:42

This is getting cold. I've got Keanu waiting in the car.

0:19:420:19:45

SHE LAUGHS

0:19:450:19:47

Nice to see you.

0:19:490:19:50

Again.

0:19:500:19:51

Go, Andrew. Go!

0:19:540:19:56

No.

0:20:010:20:03

PHONE RINGS

0:20:120:20:13

-Hello?

-Are you near a computer?

-Why?

-Just go to your computer.

0:20:130:20:17

-I've sent you a link.

-Am I going to hate this?

0:20:170:20:22

Not as much as Matt.

0:20:220:20:23

Oh, Christ!

0:20:270:20:30

And plaid? What is he thinking?!

0:20:300:20:32

Let's just hope he doesn't see this.

0:20:320:20:34

This hummus is wonderful.

0:21:210:21:23

It's not too...hummus-y.

0:21:240:21:27

You know how sometimes hummus can just have too much...

0:21:270:21:31

Hummus-ness?

0:21:330:21:35

Ha, yes.

0:21:350:21:37

-But this has got some other flavour going on.

-Hmm, basil.

0:21:370:21:41

"Baysil".

0:21:410:21:43

Well, "baysil", basil. "Tomayto", tomato.

0:21:430:21:48

"Aluminum", aluminium. Language is funny.

0:21:480:21:51

SHE LAUGHS

0:21:510:21:53

PHONE RINGING

0:21:530:21:54

Oh God, sorry. I'll shut it off.

0:21:540:21:56

The phone, I mean. Me, I can't seem to.

0:21:560:21:59

-Hello?

-Not what I meant to do.

-No, it's fine.

0:21:590:22:02

-Erm, let me take you off speaker.

-OK?

0:22:020:22:05

Wait, I'm trying.

0:22:070:22:08

Never mind.

0:22:090:22:11

Just go to your computer.

0:22:110:22:13

-Actually, I'm not home.

-Where are you?

0:22:130:22:16

At a restaurant.

0:22:160:22:17

Oh, is Carol there? Carol, you're going to love this.

0:22:170:22:20

No, I'm not with Carol. Can we speak later?

0:22:200:22:24

Who are you with?

0:22:240:22:27

I, erm, I'm...

0:22:270:22:29

I'm actually...on...a...

0:22:290:22:32

..date.

0:22:360:22:37

SHE COUGHS

0:22:410:22:42

Hello?

0:22:430:22:45

Right.

0:22:470:22:49

We can discuss this tomorrow.

0:22:500:22:52

No need. All good.

0:22:530:22:56

Push on, have fun.

0:22:560:22:59

PHONE BEEPS

0:22:590:23:01

PHONE BEEPS

0:23:040:23:05

...Enjoy sex more because of nerve endings, or something like that.

0:23:070:23:12

I was sitting on my bike one time -

0:23:170:23:20

I'd say 90, 95.

0:23:220:23:25

Going down to 14 in the middle of the night. That's pretty fun.

0:23:250:23:29

A little dangerous, but it's definitely exciting.

0:23:290:23:33

But it was worth it.

0:23:330:23:34

Hey.

0:24:210:24:22

It's me.

0:24:220:24:24

Call me when you get this.

0:24:250:24:27

I'm sorry I've been such a prick.

0:24:300:24:32

I really need to see you.

0:24:350:24:36

-You all right?

-I'm fine.

0:24:470:24:51

I assume that was your, your ex?

0:24:510:24:53

Not even ex, we're...

0:24:550:24:59

..estranged.

0:24:590:25:01

And that was definitely the "estrangest" part of this so far.

0:25:010:25:05

Not really.

0:25:050:25:06

I mean, keep in mind, he has been the one all along

0:25:060:25:09

who's been saying, "We're done, it's over, move on".

0:25:090:25:13

So what did he expect? That I'd sit in my cave and pine?

0:25:130:25:16

Which, by the way, I have done my share of.

0:25:160:25:18

Not in an actual cave, of course.

0:25:180:25:21

At a certain point, one has to...

0:25:210:25:23

What?

0:25:270:25:29

I've just had a small epiphany.

0:25:290:25:30

OK.

0:25:300:25:32

In the grand scope of human existence,

0:25:340:25:36

I believe I may just be the worst date ever.

0:25:360:25:41

Hmm...

0:25:410:25:42

Even with the caveat that this is my first one of these in over a decade,

0:25:420:25:47

still, I'm a person who lives in the world. I get it.

0:25:470:25:51

If you want to leave right now, you would so be within your rights...

0:25:510:25:55

-Stop.

-I'm serious. I'll just glance over here at the olives,

0:25:550:25:57

and you can slip away.

0:25:570:25:58

-You're not stopping.

-Sorry.

0:25:580:26:02

I'm really your first date in ten years?

0:26:020:26:05

Yup, that's right. You won that golden ticket.

0:26:050:26:08

OK, here's what we're going to do.

0:26:100:26:12

-Tonight never happened.

-Oh, it happened!

0:26:120:26:16

No, no, no. No, you are getting a total do-over.

0:26:160:26:19

Tomorrow night, we're going to try this again.

0:26:190:26:21

-You don't have to do that.

-I know.

0:26:210:26:23

You're incredibly kind.

0:26:250:26:27

No, it's an educated bet.

0:26:270:26:30

I'm thinking you might be worth it.

0:26:300:26:33

Well, I'm probably not, but thank you.

0:26:350:26:39

-Is your arm in the hummus?

-It is, yes.

0:26:490:26:50

DOORBELL RINGS

0:27:000:27:02

I came as soon as I got your message. I love you so much!

0:27:100:27:14

I know.

0:27:140:27:15

HE SIGHS

0:27:210:27:25

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