Episode 7 Episodes

My brother thought you were great.

I think your brother is very nice,

but I'm not doing anything till I'm certain what's happening with erm...

me and Sean.

I love you, you know that,

but I can't...

I can't do this any more.

Contains strong language.

-Hi.

-Jesus! Fuck!

I was hoping you wouldn't come home yet. The cookies aren't ready.

Get the fuck out of my house, you crazy Looney Tunes freak!

-COOKER TIMER PINGS

-Oh! My cookies.

So, we just wanted to check in.

Get your take on how you think the show is going.

Oh, phew. We were afraid you were cancelling us.

SHE LAUGHS God! No!

We'd never cancel you in person.

That's good to know.

So, how do you think it's going?

Oh, come on. You don't really care what we think.

You're just asking so we can get to what you think.

-She's feisty today.

-Today?!

THEY LAUGH

So, how do you think it's going?

Well, terrific. I think it's going terrific.

The scripts are strong, the boys are scoring great.

So why do I feel like there's a big "but" coming?

HE LAUGHS

A bit "butt"?! Actually...

-THEY LAUGH

-Sorry?

It's just...we're feeling like maybe Matt isn't quite as...

slender as he used to be.

-Slender? He's a chunk!

-Stop!

It just seems like in the last few episodes,

he's maybe looking a little...

I'm going to stick with "chunk".

You know what we're saying.

Uh, he may have put on a pound or two.

Has he?

-Sean doesn't notice these things.

-I don't.

It may just be this is Matt's way

of dealing with his part getting cut down.

Given that he's in the show less, does it even really matter?

Well, clearly yeah, because it's giving him more time to eat.

HE LAUGHS

So, who cares? We did this show in the UK

with a much, much bigger man.

It certainly works.

Look, I have no problem with fat. Fat people are funny.

John Candy. Chris Farley.

-That fat guy in Laurel and Hardy.

-Yeah.

It's just that all those people started off fat.

You can't start out sexy and then get fat.

Not on TV!

With your ratings being where they are...

It's the last thing we need.

Yeah, we need Hot Matt.

Not Fat Matt.

Mm, smells amazing!

Who knew you could do this?

Oh, I've been cooking since I was like five.

My mom worked, so I was kind of the chef of the house.

You really are a man of many talents.

-All right, open your mouth.

-Oh, we're going to play that game, are we?

HE LAUGHS

Come on, open.

Oh my God!

Oh my God!

This is like Italy-good.

-OVEN TIMER PINGS

-And that would be?

-My focaccia.

-Oh, come on!

-It's easy.

Unbelievable. How could your wife leave you?

I cheated on her.

Ah.

PHONE RINGS Speaking of...

Hey.

Hey. Guess who dropped by the boys' school this afternoon?

Er, can we do this later?

No. Come on, guess!

I give up. Who?

How about your fucking stalker?!

Oh shit!

A-ha, that's right.

Your little nut bundle showed up at the boys' school

cos she thought you were picking them up today.

She's really got to get her schedule straight.

Go, you idiot!

So what happened?

I called the police is what happened.

You better do something about her.

Well, what do you want me to do? I got a restraining order.

So restrain her!

Cos if that fucking lunatic comes near my kids again,

I swear to God...

All right, OK. I'll call my security guy.

Yeah, cos he's doing such a good job so far(!)

It's green, asshole!

CAR HORN BLARES

Hey there.

Well, look who's back.

Just driving ET to work.

Shut up!

Morning.

She's afraid some paparazzi will get a picture of her with her, uh...

So she lies down in the back.

I like to pretend I'm kidnapping her.

You ARE a good brother.

-It's on my way to work, so it's not that big a deal.

-And where is work?

Oh, right now, Beverly Hills.

Oh?

I paint houses.

-Really?

-Yeah, really.

Someone not in show business -

I don't think my brain can process that.

-Yeah.

-There's not a lot of us.

It's basically me, two gardeners and a plumber.

Although the plumber's working on a screenplay, so...

-SHE LAUGHS

-Oh, there you are.

Oh, Sean, this is Morning's brother, Rob.

Oh, hello. I didn't know Morning had a brother.

Oh, she kind of keeps me under wraps.

You know, since I'm aging in human years.

-Right. I like your truck.

-Aw, thanks.

I drove a truck one summer. Loved it.

You mean that ice cream truck?

-Still a truck.

-With popsicles.

-Still a truck.

-Yeah.

-HE LAUGHS

Matt's in his dressing room. We should get this over with.

Oh, God!

I wouldn't want to keep you from whatever "Oh, God" is.

You do not want to know.

There's always painting houses.

Sounding better by the minute.

Have fun.

Ha-ha(!)

-He seems nice.

-Uh-huh.

I like his truck.

Please understand what we're about to tell you is not coming from us.

Especially me.

-From either of us.

-Yeah.

OK.

This is the network talking. We are merely the messengers here.

Yeah, don't shoot the messengers.

All right, you guys are freaking me out. What?

The network feels...

They feel that you

may have put on a little bit of weight.

Are you fucking kidding me?!

We are fucking not.

HE SIGHS Wow!

OK, first of all, I haven't gained one pound since I started this show.

Thank you. They're all going on about,

"He's gained so much weight", and I'm like,

"I'm sorry, I just don't see it".

He says everyone's going on about this. Does that include you?

I was not the one who said "chunk".

I may have said you gained a little.

-Which I haven't.

-Obviously.

I stand corrected.

But you think I look like I have?

I think you're an enormously attractive man...

See, and I'm just hearing the word "enormous".

I'm not the one who sees the problem here. I think you look great.

Hello, who's the only one in this room who's slept with you?

Right. Like we all weren't thinking it(!)

-I wasn't.

-Who would think that? Why would I even...?

What's that got to do with anything?

Oh.

-Well then, so who called me a "chunk"?

-It wasn't me.

Yes! We all know it wasn't you!

Was it that prick Merc?

It was that prick Merc.

If anything, I'd say you'd lost weight.

-I didn't know you smoke.

-Not since the '70s.

But since I went Smurf-face, it's like, "Who gives a shit?" Whatever.

How about you?

No, I gave up.

-Good for you.

-Can I have one?

-Sure.

So my brother asked about you again.

He called you "fetching".

Like a dog with a stick?

-Like he really likes you.

-Hmm.

That's very nice.

Come on. He's a great guy. Let him take you to dinner.

SHE SIGHS

Well, it does appear to be my day

for doing things I said I wouldn't do.

Yay, that's great! I'll have him call you.

This is nice - we should hang out more.

Hmm, you fellated my husband.

I what?

Oh. Yeah. OK.

'It's such bullshit!'

-Believe me, I am with you 100%.

-Yeah, I get that.

I'm embarrassed for them, frankly. I mean, who are they to judge you?

What?

Nothing.

Eat it. Have it. It looks nice.

Why wouldn't you...?

It's a doughnut.

Just a doughnut, have two.

It's a doughnut. Have it.

What? You deserve it. You...

Fat fuck!

Is that jam in your ear?

-Oh, it might be. Might very well be.

-Picture up!

Am I crazy, or are we seeing the shadow of his,

erm...

What?

His, erm, crotchal area.

I don't think that's what... Oh yes, it is.

Are you guys seeing it too?

I didn't at first.

Now I can't look away.

It's like trying not to look at an eclipse.

Yeah, but that can't be his...

Right? I mean it's just too...

Erm...

It's not beyond the realm of possibility.

OK, Matt.

It would be all right if he just...

moves it to the other side.

Who's going to tell him that?!

Don't look at me - he'll probably throw it at me.

Look, no, no, no, no.

I have had too many hideous tasks for one day.

(You're the director. Direct...it.)

Here goes.

-Hey...

-Sure.

What's up?

I was just noticing on the monitor,

erm, your pants...

Where are you?

I'm here.

Hmm. Not really.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

For a good actor, you're a terrible liar.

You think I'm a good actor? SHE LAUGHS

Did you even hear the rest of that sentence?

Yeah. "For a good actor"... something.

SHE LAUGHS

Come on.

It's your fucking husband.

What?

He, he thinks I'm fat!

You're kidding.

No. He said I'm a "chunk".

That's insane! Talk about a really big pot calling the kettle...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm a kettle?

No! You are so not a kettle.

Don't do that. You look amazing.

Erm, I don't know how to tell you this, but...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have hands. I can feel.

You feel like you look - amazing.

-Yeah?

-Hmm.

Do - not - listen to him.

You're perfect, just the way you are.

Mm-wah!

Wow!

What?

Because I kissed your belly?

-Oh, so it's a belly?!

-Oh, my God!

You know who has a belly?

Santa has a belly!

Stop it. You are not fat.

-I'm sure that's what Mrs Claus says!

-Don't do this.

-What?

If I wanted to fight, I could have stayed with my husband.

Who's fighting?

Fine. But if you want me to go, my driver's right outside.

No.

No. Let's just talk about something else.

We don't have to talk.

Mm.

They had a whole fucking meeting about it at the network.

They have fucking meetings about everything.

They have fucking meetings about fucking meetings!

You have got to stop this. You're gorgeous, end of story.

OK, I got to go back to you're really not the best person to judge.

All right, let's say you are a "chunk"...

Let's say you're a big fat "chunk". So what?

So what?!

Do you think if I could see, I wouldn't still be here?

No, you're right - you married the pot.

And you weren't even blind yet.

You know what - I don't like you like this.

-Like what? Fat?!

-Call me when you're ready to be a person.

Will do.

Soon as I can get my fat fingers to push the buttons on the phone(!)

Ho-ho-ho!

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Why did I agree to do this?

Hi, honey.

A date. A date?!

I haven't been on a date in ten years,

and even then I was shit at it.

You'll be fine.

You wouldn't say that if you'd ever dated me.

I'm serious. I am awful at it.

The minute it's a "date", I become this whole other person.

I feel judged. I judge myself.

I sweat. A normal sentence becomes a cluster-fuck of words.

All right, relax. It's just a date.

They're going to give you alcohol. They're going to give you food.

In two hours, you're done. It's like a flight to Omaha.

Only, when it's over, you're not in Omaha.

I wish I was in Omaha.

Stop freaking yourself out, OK?

It's not like you have to sleep with him.

I wasn't even thinking about that.

Are you serious? Then why are you putting yourself through this?

So, you look really nice.

Oh, I don't, but thank you.

Yes, you do. And you're welcome.

Oh, well, it's new.

In the shop, it looked black. Turns out it's swamp.

THEY LAUGH

Ooh! Olives.

Oh, too spicy?

Sorry, I should have warned you.

No. They're delicious.

You OK?

I'm great. This is fun.

So, house painting? Bet you've got some stories.

You CAN spit it out.

Uh-uh.

Why don't I move those?

-Mm-hm.

-Mm.

Bev?

(Oh, Christ!)

How small is this world?

Much too small!

-Andrew, Rob. Rob, Andrew.

-Hey.

Andrew was our PA. Now he's a big-time screen writer.

-Oh.

-And director.

Yes. Right.

Olive?

Oh, that's very kind, but no, I don't want to fill up.

Big dinner here.

So where's Sean?

Erm, I don't know, actually.

What?

No! Oh no, oh God! You're kidding me!

No! No way!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's all really fine.

No, it's not. If you two can't make it,

what hope is there for the rest of us?

-Anyway...

-Oh, right, I should, I should get out of here.

This is getting cold. I've got Keanu waiting in the car.

SHE LAUGHS

Nice to see you.

Again.

Go, Andrew. Go!

No.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Are you near a computer?

-Why?

-Just go to your computer.

-I've sent you a link.

-Am I going to hate this?

Not as much as Matt.

Oh, Christ!

And plaid? What is he thinking?!

Let's just hope he doesn't see this.

This hummus is wonderful.

It's not too...hummus-y.

You know how sometimes hummus can just have too much...

Hummus-ness?

Ha, yes.

-But this has got some other flavour going on.

-Hmm, basil.

"Baysil".

Well, "baysil", basil. "Tomayto", tomato.

"Aluminum", aluminium. Language is funny.

SHE LAUGHS

PHONE RINGING

Oh God, sorry. I'll shut it off.

The phone, I mean. Me, I can't seem to.

-Hello?

-Not what I meant to do.

-No, it's fine.

-Erm, let me take you off speaker.

-OK?

Wait, I'm trying.

Never mind.

Just go to your computer.

-Actually, I'm not home.

-Where are you?

At a restaurant.

Oh, is Carol there? Carol, you're going to love this.

No, I'm not with Carol. Can we speak later?

Who are you with?

I, erm, I'm...

I'm actually...on...a...

..date.

SHE COUGHS

Hello?

Right.

We can discuss this tomorrow.

No need. All good.

Push on, have fun.

PHONE BEEPS

PHONE BEEPS

...Enjoy sex more because of nerve endings, or something like that.

I was sitting on my bike one time -

I'd say 90, 95.

Going down to 14 in the middle of the night. That's pretty fun.

A little dangerous, but it's definitely exciting.

But it was worth it.

Hey.

It's me.

Call me when you get this.

I'm sorry I've been such a prick.

I really need to see you.

-You all right?

-I'm fine.

I assume that was your, your ex?

Not even ex, we're...

..estranged.

And that was definitely the "estrangest" part of this so far.

Not really.

I mean, keep in mind, he has been the one all along

who's been saying, "We're done, it's over, move on".

So what did he expect? That I'd sit in my cave and pine?

Which, by the way, I have done my share of.

Not in an actual cave, of course.

At a certain point, one has to...

What?

I've just had a small epiphany.

OK.

In the grand scope of human existence,

I believe I may just be the worst date ever.

Hmm...

Even with the caveat that this is my first one of these in over a decade,

still, I'm a person who lives in the world. I get it.

If you want to leave right now, you would so be within your rights...

-Stop.

-I'm serious. I'll just glance over here at the olives,

and you can slip away.

-You're not stopping.

-Sorry.

I'm really your first date in ten years?

Yup, that's right. You won that golden ticket.

OK, here's what we're going to do.

-Tonight never happened.

-Oh, it happened!

No, no, no. No, you are getting a total do-over.

Tomorrow night, we're going to try this again.

-You don't have to do that.

-I know.

You're incredibly kind.

No, it's an educated bet.

I'm thinking you might be worth it.

Well, I'm probably not, but thank you.

-Is your arm in the hummus?

-It is, yes.

DOORBELL RINGS

I came as soon as I got your message. I love you so much!

I know.

HE SIGHS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd