Episode 9 Episodes

This programme contains strong language.

-Merc's out.

-When will you tell him?

-After his Man Of The Year thing.

-That's nice.

-That way, we can empty out his office while he's there.

-Do you know who you're going to go with?

-We've got a very short list.

-Right.

-And your name's at the top of it.

-I'm about to leave for my date.

-OK.

If you don't want me to go, I won't go.

Go.

LeBlanc residence.

Is Matt there?

Oh, hi, Diane. It's Labia.

No!

'Fuck!'

How can I take this job? How?

I can't do that to him.

It sounds like THEY'RE doing it to him, whether you do it or not.

No, I know, but, I...I...

Look, this is your dream. It's what you have been working for your entire career.

I know, but I...

He would never understand.

I don't think our relationship could survive it.

-So?

-So?!

A couple of weeks ago, you were prepared to end it and there wasn't even a dream job on the table!

He's never going to leave her, is he?

No.

Because she's a fucking saint.

A fucking blind saint.

Mm.

What?

What?

That..."mm".

-What "mm"?

-Er, no, no.

I said that she's a fucking saint and then you went, "Mm,"

like maybe she's not such a fucking saint.

Oh, no.

I-It was just an "mm",

like...mm.

Go on. So, mm, go on.

-What aren't you telling me?

-Nothing.

Tell me!

OK, well, you've never moved this fast in your life,

-so you need to tell me.

-Look, I...

I know nothing. It was just an "mm".

Do you like poison ivy? There's plenty of it up there.

Ooh, ooh! Oo-oo-ooh!

-That's a cliff!

-Ooh, oh!

Come on, you. Come on.

-Come on. Oh, oh.

-Oh, oh.

What are you going to do, huh?

Huh?

I gotcha.

She's fine! Keep moving!

Tell me!

-She's having an affair with Matt.

-Who?

Saint Jamie.

Is... Is having an... An affair?

With Matt LeBlanc.

-SHE GIGGLES

-No.

Oh, my God! No!

You knew this and you didn't tell me?!

Well, what about all the shit with our show you don't tell me?!

That's work! This is my life!

I know.

But...

if I'd told you, you'd tell Merc.

-I HAVE to tell Merc!

-You can't tell Merc!

If you tell Merc, this whole thing will blow up and...

Matt...will...kill me.

You must keep this to yourself.

Yeah, I can't do that.

If you tell Merc, I swear I'll...

I'll tell him

that you've been having secret meetings with that...

That Salad person, AND

you knew he was getting fired before he did and you didn't tell him.

Ha-aa-aa ha!

SHE MUTTERS

SHE GRUNTS

Fine.

Understood.

Jamie Lapidus and Matt LeBlanc.

Un-fucking-believable!

For all I know, it's already over.

Last I heard, he was having a thing with his stalker!

Jesus! A stalker and his boss's blind wife?

That guy'll stick it anywhere.

No offence.

PHONE RINGS

-Yo.

-Matt? Stanford Shamiro.

'Hey. What's up?'

I just got a call from Diane's lawyer.

What did that prick want?

Please tell me you weren't entertaining your stalker at your house last night.

OK, I was not ENTERTAINING her.

Technically, yeah, she was here.

But I was throwing her out when Diane called.

So she broke in again?

Er, technically, no.

So why don't you tell me what did happen...technically?

'All right.'

The other night, I was pretty hammered and I called her up.

-'Diane?'

-No.

You called up your stalker?

'Right.'

The one we got the restraining order for?

-Yeah.

-Did you have sexual relations with her?

Hmm...

does anal...?

Yeah, it counts.

Then, technically, yes.

You should know Diane's going to try and have your visitation rights terminated.

Meaning what? I'd never get to see my kids?

-If the judge agrees.

-'That's bullshit!'

We got to fight this.

Can I take off my lawyer hat for a minute?

-Yeah.

-'I'm talking to you now as a friend.'

You're going to need a much better lawyer.

Cos the one you got -

I don't know how the fuck he's going to get you out of this.

HE SIGHS

Wow!

Seriously, wow!

Yeah?

I'm telling you,

you look fucking wow! What are you doing with an old shit-bird like me?

Are you kidding? You're my man of the year.

It's your big night.

What's the matter?

-What?

-You look...

I'm fine. All good.

All right.

Is this ever going to change?

-What?

-This. Us.

I mean, here we are, AGAIN.

It's your big night and I can't be there with you.

You'll be there.

Not WITH you.

You're going to come down off that stage and I can't kiss you,

-I can't...

-SHE GRUNTS

Am I always going to be this invisible person?

You think I like it this way?

You think I don't want to be with you all the time? Come on!

What do you want me to do? The woman's blind!

She's fucking Matt LeBlanc.

Who's fucking Matt LeBlanc?

Your blind wife is having an affair with Matt LeBlanc.

Bullshit!

I swear to God, it's true.

-Are you kidding me?

-It's been going on for months.

Jesus Christ!

Yep.

I... I can't breathe.

Seriously, I cannot breathe!

-You can breathe.

-I can't breathe WELL!

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Wow! Look at you, all dressy dressed.

I got this for my sister's funeral.

Pretty.

If anything, it looks more like the other cheek than it did before.

-And you really can't tell?

-You really can't - it's amazing.

-Just promise me you're done messing with your face.

-I swear, I am done messing with my face.

-What?

-Hmm?

-HE SCOFFS

-Oh, Christ! Kill me now.

-Sean.

-Andrew!

Where aren't you?

-This is my friend Morning Randolph.

-Hello.

-We've met.

So, what brings you here?

Er, I actually just signed a deal with Merc.

So I thought I'd better come and kiss the ring.

-You're doing television now?

-I know.

I came up with this great idea for a show.

It's about this British couple who bring their hit comedy to the States

and how they end up getting divorced but still have to work together.

You're...

-You're fucking kidding me, right?

-I know!

It took me, like, five seconds to come up with it.

Oh, look, there's Bev and Rob!

Oh, God.

It's so hard seeing her with someone who's not you.

Just saying "Bev and Rob" feels so wrong.

"Bev and Rob, Bev and Rob."

-Excuse me.

-Hmm.

Bev! Rob!

I have been that cock-sucker's friend for 20 years!

-20 years!

-I know.

He's on MY network!

-I know.

-And when she went blind, I could have walked out.

But I fucking stuck by her.

She does not deserve you.

I guess I'M the blind one.

Oh, and by the way,

I think sometimes she can actually see a tiny bit.

-No!

-I'm telling you - like, vague shapes and shadows.

And she calls herself blind. What a bitch.

How could she do this to me?

Oh, I'm probably not the best person to ask.

I mean, if you were mine, believe me...

Well, guess what.

I AM yours.

-What? Wh-What are you saying?

-Oh, yeah.

I am so going to dump her ass. What do you think of that?

I think, yeah! Do it!

-Dump it! Oh!

-SHE GIGGLES

Dump it, dump it, dump it!

Oh, here we go.

OK, creepiest smile ever.

Is it too Wallace and Gromit?

I don't know who that is, but yeah.

Oh, God! That's his Wallace and Gromit smile.

-Oh, yeah!

-No, that's not a good thing.

Hey, how are you? Nice to see you.

Champagne?

Oh, yes! Goodness gracious me!

You can do this.

Just knowing they're both here...

I know. But you're going to smile like nothing's wrong,

because you are the man of the year.

And these people are paying 10,000 a table

just to see that smile.

Not the ones at the back.

-Do we know yet who bought the cheap ones?

-I'm getting you a list.

Mr Salad!

So...

..you finally decided to grace us with your presence.

Well, you know me - I like to make an entrance.

Congratulations, sir. Well deserved.

Thank you, my friend.

Can you believe this guy flew 3,000 miles just for me?

He's the best.

So, any big plans while you're out here?

Nope. This weekend's all about you.

-MERC CHUCKLES

-You're going to make me cry.

Who's that?

Morning's brother Rob. He's her...date.

What do you mean, "her date"?

Well, they're...

kind of a thing.

-You shitting me?

-I shit you not.

-And this is OK by you?

-Why not?

I told her we had to move on, and...

..she believed me.

-Why would you do that?

-Well, you had a little something to do with it.

Oh, Christ! You still on that?

You fucked my wife!

-Five months ago!

-Right. I can't believe I'm still dwelling on it.

I feel like such an arsehole(!)

You ARE an asshole.

You love her.

-Get over yourself.

-It's not that simple.

Oh! HE TUTS

Yeah, it is.

-Thank you.

-We'll see you a bit later.

-Bye.

Hey.

I thought I could smell Joey.

Too much?

No, I like a man who can wear Cinnabon.

So, er...

..Sean and I were just talking about assholes.

Oh, so that's what guys talk about when we're not around.

I was telling him to stop being one

and I realised the last time you and I were together, I...

I kind of was one.

No argument from me.

And then I never called you, which...

makes me an even bigger one.

Again, we're on the same page.

Anyway...

..I'm sorry.

Thank you.

I don't want to mess this up.

-Then don't.

-OK.

I may need you to keep reminding me.

I'll stay on top of it.

Sounds good to me.

So?

Really? Here? Now?

I got to move on this.

Elliot, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this offer.

I really do, and I'll probably end up kicking myself, but...

Hey, hey, hey.

If it's the money, we're prepared...

Oh, God. No. It's not the money.

You're prepared to what?

No. No! Don't tell me.

It's not the money.

It's Merc.

-I can't do it to him.

-Look, loyalty's one thing but unless you're fucking him...

I'm fucking him.

A-ha.

-No.

-SHE GIGGLES

Hmm.

I'm more than fucking him.

I'm not sure I know what that means.

Sounds like he's a lucky man.

I mean...we're serious.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

Well, for what it's worth, I'm a big believer in second marriages.

This would be his fourth.

Mazel tov.

SHE SINGS

(Are you going to eat your olives?)

No.

SONG FINISHES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MATT: But more than anything else, Merc Lapidus has a big heart.

Those hugs of his - they don't come from here.

They come from here.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please help me welcome our Man Of The Year

and my boss, Merc Lapidus.

CHEERING

Matt LeBlanc. Let's hear it for a real friend.

Wagner once said, "Joy is not in things -

"it is in us."

Clearly, Wagner never owned his own jet.

LAUGHTER

Seriously...

I think everyone here tonight knows what he meant.

All the trappings of success mean nothing.

It's about finding the joy in what we do.

And I love what I do.

They call it "the industry".

But looking around here tonight,

it's clear that we're more than just an industry.

We're family.

Six years ago...

..when I found out that I had cancer...

..the outpouring of support was overwhelming.

And then later, when our network became number one

after being last for so many, many years,

I felt that same response.

In good times...

..and in bad, you have been there for me.

I'd like to thank all of you...

..for the love and friendship -

and, yes, the joy - that you have given me all these years.

I may be your Man Of The Year but, right now,

I feel like the luckiest man in the world. Thank you. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Thank you, thank you.

HUBBUB OF CONVERSATION

Oh, your speech was fantastic.

-Yeah?

-Oh, my God!

Funny and moving and so smart.

You are one class act.

I got to piss like a racehorse.

OK.

Awesome speech.

You put that in my wife?!

OK, you don't want do this here.

Don't tell me what I want!

-Watch it!

-Oh, sorry!

Jesus Christ! Are you crazy?!

Hey, LeBlanc! You smell like piss!

-Wait, what?

-Fucking lunatic!

Oh, God!

Aw, don't run away!

I got more!

Found another one.

-How many more does she need before we can go home?

-Could be a while.

She's a bit of a gift-bag whore.

Seven!

It's almost an illness. You'll get used to it.

Get him the hell away from me!

Come on. Let's just go.

You don't get to screw my wife and then walk away!

Oh, yeah? How about you?

How about the fact that you've been screwing...

What is her name?!

-Carol.

-..Carol. How about the fact that you've been screwing Carol?!

-You son of a bitch!

-No!

Oh, come on!

You fucking cock-sucker!

Fuck you!

You are so fucking fired!

Oh, no. Fired from Pucks(!)

Keep laughing! For the rest of your life, you're just going to be the fat guy who used to be Joey!

-And you'll just be a fat guy!

-No!

All right! Enough!

This is what you get for screwing other people's wives. I hope you're happy!

Oh, I'm VERY happy! Jamie, are you happy?

Yes.

You son of a bitch!

Oh! Ow!

That's my wife!

Not the face!

What's happening?!

Aargh!

MATT GRUNTS

Seriously, what's happening?!

Get the hell off of me!

-A-ha!

-Look out - he's got a bag!

What are you going to do - hit us with a spa certificate?

-I saw a candle in here that could do some damage!

-I didn't get a candle.

-MATT GRUNTS

-Ooh!

What the fuck?!

Let go of my fucking... Argh!

HE GROANS

-What? What?!

-My shoulder...dislocated.

Oh, Jesus. Does it hurt?

Oh, fuck!

How about now?!

Hey! Are you insane?

Forget firing him. That whole show is dead!

I want that pucking fucks...

Grr! Fucking Pucks!

-Shit, it's dead!

-Ssh.

-It's off the air!

All right. Stop! Breathe. I need you to breathe.

I mean it. First thing Monday - I don't care if I have to run cartoons in that slot -

I want him off my network!

Oh, God!

What?

There's something you need to know.

What? What? What?!

Elliot's going to call you.

The board decided...

-..you're out.

-Out?

Out of what?

Your job.

After the whole talking-dog thing

-and the way our season's been going...

-What?!

How do you know this? All of a sudden, you know all this crap?

I'm getting canned, my wife's fucking around. What are you, a witch?!

You need to calm down.

I'm calm. TELL ME!

I heard it from Elliot.

He told you?

He told you before he told me?

Why?

-Why, why, why, why, why?!

-He...

He offered me your job.

HE GULPS LOUDLY

HE SQUEAKS

-Let's not do this here.

-SQUEAKING CONTINUES

Yeah, OK.

-HE YELLS IN PAIN

-Where are the bloody paramedics?!

You don't need paramedics. It's happened before.

-Just pop it back in.

-What do you mean, "pop it"? I can't pop it!

You got to - I can't pop it myself.

-I'm not going to pop it - you need a doctor to pop it!

-No, you don't. Just grab my arm,

-pull it out of its socket and pop it back in.

-No!

Oh, Jesus! Pop it - I'm begging you.

MATT YELLS

SEAN AND BEVERLY YELL Just do it. Hurry!

-I can't!

-Just pop it!

-Pop it!

-CROWD: Pop it!

Everyone stop saying "pop it"!

-Do you want me to do it?

-Like you could do it!

-I could do it.

-All right, then, do it.

-Right.

HE YELLS

I can't do it!

-I'll do it.

-No! Not her.

-I'll do it.

-No!

I can do it.

MATT GROANS

BOTH GROAN

-BOTH:

-Aargh! AARGH!

BONE CLICKS

HE SIGHS WITH RELIEF

-Do you think you're going to be all right?

-Just...

Listen to me.

I turned him down.

I didn't take it.

Why?

Why?!

Because...

I would never do that to you.

I love you.

They're going to regret this. You're going to come back stronger than ever.

-I don't know.

-I

-know.

I'm...

I'm not saying it'll be easy, but we're going to get through this.

Together.

You'll move in with me.

How nice will that be - to finally be...?

What? What are you talking about?

I can't leave her now!

What?!

I've got no fucking job! You want me to give her half my money?!

Get out.

What?

Get out of my car.

Are you serious? No, it's raining.

GET...OUT!

Are you fucking crazy?!

I don't even know where the hell I am!

This is downtown!

Aaargh!

So, opera. Apparently it gets kind of rough.

You were very brave tonight.

Please. Merc Lapidus threw me around like a sock puppet.

And yet, you kept coming back for more.

Like an idiot.

-I found it...heroic.

-Hmm.

And then with the...

arm popping.

If the writing doesn't pan out,

you could always reconsider being a doctor.

I could specialise in terrified medicine.

You'd be brilliant.

Your poor face.

I've seen worse.

When he hit you...

..it was like...

I just went...

Ssh. I'm fine now, I'm fine. I didn't even...

SHE SQUEAKS

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Please...

do not be sorry for that.

Should we just leave?

Oh, I'd say so.

I think they're ready to go here.

You guys coming, or are you going to just make out all night?

We're coming.

Ooh, wait.

Seven!

SHE GIGGLES

ANDY: Listen to this...

"Daily Variety.

"Network prexy Merc Lapidus has CHOSEN to step down from the post,

"effective immediately." Chairman Elliot Salad said,

" 'It is with deep regret that we must accept the resignation of Merc Lapidus.

" 'It's difficult to imagine this network without him.'

"Lapidus stated, 'I have chosen to go now, having accomplished everything I set out to do.

" 'And I look forward to spending more time with my wonderful family.'"

-MYRA:

-Mmm.