Episode 7 Episodes

This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature

You slept with him.

I swear...

there was no sleeping.

You had a script that was going around back then.

It was all anyone talked about.

I'd love to read it again.

We're not looking to do another show here.

-Don't be mad at me.

-All right.

I was just at a meeting with Kim Sally over at Fox.

Do you mind if I show it to her?

You knew from the beginning there were only two things I asked...

be nice and don't cheat.

I was nice.

-Morning.

-Hello.

-Hey.

So, er, we were thinking,

it might be nice before we go back to London,

what do you say you and Jamie come over for dinner?

-Maybe this weekend?

-Er, actually, Jamie and I are kind of done.

-What? No.

-You're kidding.

Yeah. So...

-I can't believe it.

-When did this happen?

Uh, few days ago.

And you never said anything.

I wish you'd told us what happened.

It doesn't matter.

I don't suppose it had anything

to do with your little thing with Morning's daughter.

Might've.

Oh, my God.

You stupid, stupid man.

Stupid.

You cared so much about her,

and to lose her over something like this...

What are you gonna do?

So that's it?

That's the extent of your emotional pain?

-What do you want me to say?

-Something!

Be a human being!

Is there no guilt? No regret?

Eh.

Oh. So this isn't over.

You're just gonna let her go?

As opposed to?

Fight for her! Beg her forgiveness!

Look at what you're losing.

She was the best thing that ever happened to you.

She made you a better person.

Yeah, OK. I'm getting breakfast. Can we walk and do this?

SHE SIGHS

What do you want from me? Shit happens.

Shit didn't happen. You made the shit happen.

Whatever.

You cheated on her with a 19-year-old.

Did you SEE the 19-year-old?

-Huh?

-Oh, no. You're not taking me down with you.

Well, I hope it was worth it.

You threw away a wonderful relationship

with an extraordinary woman.

Hey, she was supposed to be gone all week.

It's not my fault she came back early.

My God. You should be studied by doctors.

Then she shows up, sniffing around like some detective.

You heartless fucker.

Are you dead inside?

Probably.

You think this is turkey bacon or regular bacon?

-Turkey. There's the regular.

-Oh.

You're a sociopath.

So I guess dinner's off.

Even if you were starving.

Hey.

BOTH: Hmm.

Maybe the next one's better.

'OK. Whenever you're ready.

'I'm Rena Keevey reading for the untitled Shelly Siegler pilot.'

She just did this play in New York. She's supposed to be brilliant.

Ooh. I like that.

'I'm not speaking to you.

'Really? Sounds like you are.

'Well, I shouldn't be.

'I so didn't want to take Aaron to that party. I knew it was a bad idea.

-'What happened?

-What happened?

'We had a great time, is what happened.'

Are her ears funny?

Are they?

Maybe.

They're kind of like little bat ears.

-Is that what it is?

-Mmm.

Well, if we go to series,

she could always get them clipped or something.

Would she do that?

-For a series?

-HE CHUCKLES

I don't know. Is she a show?

Mnh-mnh.

She doesn't feel like a show.

She feels more best-friendy.

-This IS for the best friend.

-Oh!

Is she too pretty for the best friend?

Only if the lead girl's another bat.

BOTH CHUCKLE

She looks like someone I went to camp with.

Was she a show? Can we get her?

BOTH CHUCKLE HE SIGHS

I'm not getting the "brilliant" thing.

She's got big hands.

She's like a less funny whatshername.

-BOTH:

-Mm.

What do you think?

Mm. Her voice annoys me.

I don't know how we're going to cast this.

There's nobody good left.

INTERCOM BEEPS

-WOMAN:

-'Carol? Castor needs to see you.'

OK.

'Right away.'

Oh.

All right.

Keep going without me.

I guess something came up.

Mmmm.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Sean, hi.

-It's Eileen Jaffee.

-SHE PANTS

Oh, hello. You sound out of breath.

I just got a new desk.

I think I've got it set too high.

All right.

So, Kim read your script.

-That was fast.

-I know. And, of course, she loved, loved, loved it.

-Really?

-Mm-hmm. She said she laughed her ass off.

She thought it was fresh. She thought it was different.

She said you guys blew her socks off.

Wow. Well, hopefully she has someone to blow them back on.

'I have no idea what that means.'

Robbie!

Glasses.

Anyway, here's where it gets a little tricky.

What do you mean, "tricky"?

-SHE SIGHS

-She wants to make it.

-Ah.

I know we said that was off the table,

but she said it's exactly what she's looking for,

and she thinks, with the right casting,

this could be a big fucking hit.

Oh, my God.

And, by the way, did I tell you? Kim passes on almost everything.

Well, obviously, it's incredibly flattering,

and if it were just me, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Maybe we can get Bev on board.

HE SIGHS I'd say it's unlikely.

Never hurts to ask.

That's not always true, but I'll talk to her tonight.

-The sooner, the better.

-No, I know.

But I think if I broach it in the middle of a hellish "Pucks!" day,

she's less likely to re-enlist.

God. They're still making you shoot those?

Is no-one looking out for you guys?

Who's representing you here?

Er, no-one. We've just still got our agent from the UK...

Stanley Richardson.

Oh. I know Stanley, from my London days.

How old must he be by now?

No-one knows.

Everyone else his age is dead.

I remember. He makes the best Christmas cookies.

Oh, absolutely. He's famous for them.

Well, I don't know if THAT'S what I'd want my agent to be famous for,

but they are delicious.

I'm telling you, it is the hottest sex I have ever had.

So it's gonna be one of those walks.

We'll be in the office, and all of a sudden,

he just, like, wants me and takes me...

right there!

It's like nothing I've ever...

Well, didn't you and Merc sometimes,

you know, in the office?

Uh, yeah.

But it's totally different.

This is like Fifty Shades Of Grey hot.

That was just...

fifty shades of grey.

Ew!

Get this...

When we're doing it, he won't let me look at him.

SHE LAUGHS

You're not allowed to look at him?

Nope.

Of course, I do, but only when he's not looking.

And you like that?

Well, he likes it, so...

I want to make him happy.

And do you get to tell him what makes you happy?

Oh, he doesn't like it when I talk.

-Ever?

-During.

That's nice.

-In fact...

-Yes?

Sometimes he puts his hand over my mouth.

Oh, my God. Can you breathe?

Yeah. Through my nose.

And sometimes he opens his fingers a little bit,

or I pry them apart.

Mm!

Fun.

You ever heard of anything like that?

Not since Patty Hearst was kidnapped.

BOTH LAUGH

You think it's weird? SHE SIGHS

Far be it for me to judge what anyone does in the bedroom

or over a desk.

-But you think it's fucked up?

-Little bit. Yeah.

But... If you're OK with it,

and you're having fun the rest of the time...

What do you mean?

Those ARE the times.

I mean, like...

when you go out to dinner.

You don't go out to dinner?

Well, not yet.

Anything?

Movies?

-Hanging out at his house?

-Oh, I haven't been to his house yet.

We only have sex in the office.

We're taking it slow.

What are you making?

Oh. It started out as chicken stir-fry.

-It may have got away from me.

-SHE GASPS

Are those raisins?

I'm trying to use up everything in the cupboard before we go home.

Ah.

That's potentially terrifying.

SHE CHUCKLES Oh. You know who called?

Eileen Jaffee.

Who's Eileen Jaffee?

That agent we met at the restaurant.

Oh. Right.

What'd she want?

She loved the script we sent her.

Aww. That's nice.

Taste.

What's sweet?

Amaretto biscuits. We had a few left.

Right. You know, not everything has to be an ingredient.

SHE CHUCKLES

Er, anyway...

Eileen loved the script so much...

Mm?

..she sent it to a friend of hers

who's a big deal at Fox

who apparently also loved, loved, loved it.

Huh. Three "love"s.

-That's almost too many.

-Mm. Hm.

According to Eileen, this woman, Kim Something,

was so knocked out...

Oh, dear God.

..she wants to make it.

SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

Thought we should at least discuss it.

-Right.

-SHE CHUCKLES

Well, my side of the conversation will be brief.

You're thinking no.

I'm thinking no.

I'm praying no. I'm begging no.

Which is what I figured you'd say.

Look, I get it.

It's flattering.

Oh, but these fuckers are always flattering.

They're professionally flattering.

-Heh, right.

-Darling, please. Let's stick to the plan.

It's a good plan. We're gone in two weeks.

We're so close.

We're the Von Trapps escaping over the Alps.

We can make it.

Maria, please, let's not go back and give the Nazis one more song.

Did I see Jamie's car in front of the stage this morning?

Yeah. Why?

So, does this mean you two are...?

Oh, no, no, no.

She left some of her crap at my house,

so my assistant was giving it back to her driver.

Ah. Your assistant and her driver.

Sounds like quite the emotional goodbye.

Uh, hey, don't you start giving me shit, too.

I'm sorry, but I'm kind of with Bev on this one.

We worked so bloody hard to save our relationship.

And you - you just throw it away like...

tissues.

Fuck you.

Tissues. I've worked hard on relationships.

HE SCOFFS Right.

-HE SCOFFS

-I have.

-Really?

You think me and Diane didn't try?

We did everything we could.

We went to counselling. We had a threesome.

A threesome?

That's your idea of "working hard"?

It is if you're doing it right. Huh?

Aw, come on. All right. You want to know the truth?

Huh?

It was a fucking disaster.

Aw. Your threesome was a disaster?

It was.

Look, the whole thing was Diane's idea.

We were already in the shitter,

and she thought bringing in another girl might help.

And, of course, you didn't say no. HE CHUCKLES

Anyway, Diane gets this friend of hers,

some girl from her yoga class.

And she's totally up for it.

So she comes over.

We have some wine, and we all get into bed.

And the disastrous part is?

Turns out I was into the friend way more than Diane.

I mean, Diane's awesome,

but she's the mother of my children, so...

So more difficult to objectify?

No, no, no.

-Looser pussy.

-What?

You know, you push two kids out of there. It's...

Mm.

But this other girl was...

HE SQUEAKS

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Hi, honey. It's Eileen.

Did you have a chance to talk with Bev?

-Oh.

-Y-yes. Yes, I did.

So?

So pretty much as we expected.

She said no?

She said no.

Don't suppose there's any wiggle room?

Uh, no. We are snug.

-SHE SIGHS

-Well, we tried.

That we did.

Oh! Meanwhile, guess who I just talked to.

Stanley Richardson.

Really?

I had to call him about another piece of business, but we were talking about you guys

and how excited Fox is about your script.

-Which can't happen.

-'Which can't happen.'

But if something did happen,

Stanley said he'd be fine with us working together on it.

How are you with that?

But nothing's gonna happen.

Exactly.

Well, if you want half of nothing, I'm sure it's all right.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Great!

Well, I'll call Kim and give her the bad news.

-SHE SIGHS

-Do you believe this?

I've got the only clients who DON'T want a show picked up!

-Aah!

-Oh. Sorry about that.

Oh, please. Don't give it another thought. Have a good one, sweetie. Bye-bye.

Robbie, can I have my coconut water now,

or should I just go fuck myself?!

BOTH PANT

Um... OK.

SHE PANTS

Wow!

That was so...

Is it OK to talk now?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, good. SHE CHUCKLES

That was great.

Have you seen my phone?

What?

Oh.

Oh, there it is.

Uh...

Hoo! SHE CHUCKLES

So, uh...

..you want to do something?

What do you mean?

You know, like, maybe go out for dinner or...

-No.

-Oh. OK.

Maybe another night. SHE CHUCKLES

Anything else you want to do?

Want to get my car washed.

Oh.

Great. Great.

Good idea.

Who wants a corn dog?

-Nah.

-That's OK.

Let me rephrase that.

-I

-want a corn dog.

-Daddy?

-Yeah?

There's that lady who mommy hates.

Well, that could be a lot of people.

Oh, Jesus.

Uh, OK. You know what?

Why don't you guys go play on the massage chair at Brookstone,

and I'll meet you there in a little while, OK?

-OK!

-Hurry.

I'll race you.

-Seriously?

-Oh, my God! Hi!

What are you doing? I'm here with my kids.

If Diane finds out you're still doing this, I am totally fucked!

-I'm not! I swear.

-Right.

You're telling me this is a coincidence?

Yeah. I guess sometimes they really happen.

Come on. I'm not stupid.

We've been here too many times.

I wasn't, really.

Labes!

-Hey.

-Hey.

-Hi.

-Sorry.

I had to park on the street.

Can you believe these fuckers are charging to park here now?

It's OK. I just got here, too.

-Hey.

-Joe, this is Matt. Matt, Joe.

You're... Wow.

Oh. Hey.

How do you guys...

Uh, so, back when I was supposed to die,

Matt was my make-a-wish wish.

-No shit.

-Yeah.

And we've stayed friends ever since.

Yeah. That's, uh...

Yeah.

Very cool. I love your show.

Seriously? "Pucks!"?

What's "Pucks!"?

Right. Uh...

Thank you.

So, you guys...

You're like...

Yeah. We are like.

So, when did...

How did you...

Remember the last time that I saw you?

Uh...yeah.

So, the next day, I'm, like, in Starbucks.

And you know how they call your name?

Well, this guy laughs...

Like it's funny.

Come on! "Labia"?

I thought you were just fucking with them.

Yeah. So I'm like, "Look, sorry if it's not as interesting as Joe."

-It was on my cup.

-Sure.

So, anyway, we got to talking, and then...

I don't know... we got to doing other stuff.

And we're still doing it.

BOTH LAUGH

So, how are you? Are you well?

Yeah. I'm well.

Are you...well?

Yeah. I am. I'm good.

It's healthy.

Oh.

We're "healthy"?

Yeah. We're very healthy.

-OK.

-Mm.

It's better when you say it like that.

Well, anyway, we're gonna go get tattoos, so...

-It was nice meeting you.

-Yeah.

-Take care.

-Yeah. Uh... See you around.

Or not.

The kids. I...

So, I spoke to Kim about the script.

Of course, she's heartbroken.

But she's a big girl. She gets it.

Well, thank her again for us.

'If you want, you can thank her yourself.'

She'd LOVE to take you guys to lunch before you fly home.

-Really?

-'She just wants to meet you

'and tell you what a huge fan she is.'

Uh...

Let me talk to Bev and see if she's up for it.

No pressure. Let me know.

See if she's up for what?

That woman from Fox wants to take us to lunch.

-Didn't...

-Bup-bup-bup!

She totally gets that she can't have our script.

-Then...

-She just wants to tell us what a big fan she is.

Which we already know. Thank you, woman from Fox.

Might be nice.

Free lunch.

Darling, I'd happily pay for her Cobb salad

if I didn't have to be there when she eats it.

So that's a no, then?

It's a no, with blue cheese on the side.

So, you're down to - what -

twice a week with the Seritaxyl?

Right.

Still experiencing any unwanted, er...

-..erectile incidents?

-Some. Not as many.

Good. In that case,

we can probably stop with the Seritaxyl entirely

and start increasing the Limatran.

That one doesn't make you horny, does it?

No. In fact, quite the opposite.

Sometimes there's actually a lessening of sexual interest.

Oh. Good.

From your lips to my dick.

Isn't this what you wanted - for her to get over you?

Yeah. Sure.

But being dumped by your stalker?

Come on, now.

You had a good run.

I guess.

It's just weird knowing I'll probably never have another one.

You don't know that.

Nah. That was it.

You think Harrison Ford's still getting stalkers?

Or Warren Beatty?

There's a window.

We lead VERY different lives.

You know, I've had other stalkers, but...

nothing like this.

This was 15 years.

I met her when she was a kid.

They grow up so fast.

No, seriously.

It's probably the longest relationship of my life.

That's not disturbing at all.

All those years I put up with her shit...

now she decides it's over?

Oh, come on. It's for the best.

-You know it is.

-Yeah, yeah.

But she's seemed so...over me.

You know?

Like I was just some...person.

I used to look into her eyes and see the crazy.

Today...

nothing.

It was like...

Like the light went out.

Now he doesn't even want to have sex with me.

-Never?

-Nope.

He won't let me touch him.

He's distant.

He's moody.

Although from the sounds of it,

he was always distant and moody.

The only difference is, now he's not fucking you over a desk.

I know.

SHE SCOFFS SHE SIGHS

What did I do?

Maybe I pushed too hard.

Did I push too hard?

All I did was ask him if he wanted to have dinner.

Oh, you demanding bitch.

Well, then why?

Does it matter?

Just be thankful that it's over.

SHE GASPS You really think it's over?

I hope so.

From everything you said,

he's emotionally detached...

possibly a misogynist.

He wouldn't let you look at him

or talk to him when you're having sex.

Listen, you can find negative things

to say about anybody.

He covered your mouth with his hand.

Not always!

SHE SCOFFS

Fine!

Oh, God.

Why does this keep happening to me?

Am I ever gonna be happy?

Yes.

Really?

I don't know.

SHE SIGHS

I...

I always just assumed that, one day,

I'd end up with some great guy

who's not married and not fucked up.

But what if this is it?

What if this isn't the shit I have to go through

to get to the good part?

What if this IS the good part?

SHE SIGHS

What's the matter?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sure it's just this, but...

-VOICE BREAKING:

-..you're making me very sad.

SHE SOBS

Oh, my God.

My life is making you cry?

Oh, my God!

Oh, no, no.

No, don't you start!

I'm sorry!

No.

-No, I'm sorry!

-No!

I'm sorry!

BOTH SOB

Is... Is there any more of that chicken-raisin-cookie shit?

Oh, there's tons.

I'm afraid it's a no on lunch.

Aw. Really?

Bev just isn't up for it.

We've got a lot to do.

Starting to pack and whatnot.

Gotcha.

Well, that's fine.

Unless you want to do it without her.

Oh.

Um...

I don't think so.

It feels a little weird.

Sweetie, it's a sandwich, not a blow job.

Although she really wants that script.

Right.

And you'll love Kim. She used to run Comedy Central, so you know she's funny.

Uh-huh.

Look, it's your call. Just think about it.

Oh, there she is!

Hi, sweetie!

Hello.

Mwah! Mwah!

Kim Sally, as promised, this is Sean Lincoln.

Hello. Oh. Please.

Actually, do it again. No, no.

OK, all right. Let's take a seat.

Oh, I'm so sorry we're this late.

There was crazy traffic, as per usual in this town.

Really does go against my programme to be as late as we were.

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

-Let's run it again, OK?

-Mm-hmm.

-I go to kick you in the head.

-Yeah.

-You duck under my leg...

-Right.

-Grab the leg...

-Yeah.

-Then kick my other leg out from under me.

-OK. Got it. Let's do it.

-You don't need to mark it again?

-No, no, no. I'm good. Let's go.

OK. On 3.

One...two...

Wait. Is it on...

THUD!

You're shitting me.

You're sure?

This is awesome!

-Well, let me know.

-Good news?

You know that guy who got my part in the NBC pilot?

Ah. Anthony Pawner Smith.

Just had a kickboxing accident.

# Paralysed! #

Oh, my God.

Temporarily, but long enough that he can't do the pilot.

The man is paralysed.

Temporarily!

Jesus!

Be happy for me for once!

HE SCOFFS

We are back, baby!