Episode 9 Episodes

This programme contains strong language.

You don't have to audition. No shit! You just have to go in and meet.

And I don't have to read? And you don't have to read. All right.

I'm thinking it's time to stop taking the meds.

It would be a huge mistake to stop now.

I cannot stress this enough.

Aah!

This script isn't going to you. It isn't going to FOX.

The only place it's going is in our suitcase home.

OK!

You don't pursue it behind our backs.

It's over.

Oh, my God.

This one found a winner.

I read it last night.

I don't want to even shoot a pilot. I want to go straight to series.

How soon can they start?

CAROL: Hey, kids!

Hello.

This is a nice surprise.

So, this is where the magic happens.

Happened.

SHE LAUGHS Right.

Apparently, nobody wanted to see our tricks.

Anyway, while I've got you...

and don't bite my head off...

This better not be going where I think it's going.

I just want to have a conversation.

Right!

And what happened to the conversation

where we agreed we would never, ever have this conversation?

That was before Castor saw your script.

Oh. He "saw" it!

HIGH-PITCHED: I swear! I didn't show it to him!

That's the octave you usually lie in.

NORMALLY: Honest. He was snooping around my desk.

He saw it and read it, and...hello!

He loved it. Really?

Loved it.

Of all the things I've shown him,

it's the only one he wants to do.

So you did show it to him. Oh, so what?!

I had to!

My job is on the line!

He hates everything.

Your thing?

He doesn't even want to shoot a pilot.

He wants to go straight to series.

I like the sound of that. I don't.

That just means we get to skip limbo and go straight to hell.

OK. How about this?

What if we just buy the show from you?

We'll hire someone else to run it.

You won't even have to be here.

No. No, no. It's our show.

If anyone's going to run it, it'll be us.

Well, you know I'd love that.

Forget it!

We're going home.

To do what?

What are you going to do when you get there?

Try to get another show on?

And even if you do, you'll make, what, six episodes

of something no-one will ever see?

Well, England.

Exactly.

So, are just supposed

to ignore the disaster of the last 10 months?

I am not going back into the burning building.

I don't care.

Let the fucking cat die.

Where are you?

I don't know.

Maybe it could be different with a different show.

Mm...

I think it's like tossing those rings at the funfair.

Each time, you're so sure you'll get it.

Right.

But, believe me,

you're not going to walk away with a stuffed giraffe here.

You just have to walk away.

I want a giraffe.

SHE CHUCKLES

I know you do.

And in this town, if you can win a giraffe...

Right, but... SHE SIGHS

..this town...

It's no good for us. It nearly did us in.

That is true.

We've worked so hard to get back to a good place.

And it's a very good place.

We do so much better at home.

I agree.

Thank you.

Mmm!

Is that a giraffe?

It just may be.

I've been trying to get you.

Oh, shoot. My phone was off.

Why?

I was getting waxed.

If it rings, it startles her, and then...blgggh!

What's going on? Castor called a big meeting.

For when? 20 minutes ago.

What?! It was totally last minute.

Everyone's in there, even Elliot. Elliot's here?!

Mm-hmm. Jesus Christ!

But it's not just us.

All network TV is...

CHUCKLES SOFTLY (So sorry.

(I didn't know.

(Keep going.)

LOUD THUD

Where was I?

Uh, "All network TV is..."

Right. Dying.

Network TV is dying.

Every year, our ratings get lower.

Cable is killing us.

The internet is killing us.

We're cancelling shows at an unprecedented rate.

And what do we do?

We sit around with our heads up our asses

saying, "I don't smell anything. Do you?"

We put out a product that's predictable and stale,

and we wonder why no-one's watching.

So now that you've depressed the shit out of us, what would you do?

OK. We need to look at the big picture.

We need to make bold moves, change the paradigm.

What's the hottest thing right now?

Kardashians. Zombies!

Close.

Why are we so obsessed with zombies?

They're scary.

Right! Why?

Cos they're zombies? They're scary cos they're unpredictable!

Yes! You never know when they're going to attack.

That's what I want. You want to do a zombie show?

You know, there are actually

a couple of really strong zombie scripts.

No! Christ! I'm not saying we do zombies.

I'm saying...we BECOME zombies.

All righty! SHE CHUCKLES

We need to be unexpected, startling, dangerous!

And how do you propose we do that?

All right.

Start by throwing away...the "when."

"When's the show on?" Doesn't matter.

We're living in a world where your TV

is becoming your computer is becoming your iPad

is becoming your phone.

When the show's on is irrelevant.

You don't go, "When's that YouTube video on?"

It's just on.

So, forget the when.

Forget "nights" and "time slots"

and "lead-ins."

So, how are people supposed to know when...

Forget the when!

GIGGLES NERVOUSLY What... what when?

What I mean is, how will they know what's on?

They won't.

That's the beauty!

We've got to escape the tyranny of the schedule.

Get rid of all of it!

GRUNTING

Jesus.

Didn't see that coming.

From now on, we programme anything at any time.

Comedy, drama, reality... mix it the fuck up.

Maybe one night, four hours all about bees!

Bees? Bees!

The next day, people are all, "Did you see

"that fucking thing about the bees?" The sheer balls of it!

Uh, help me out here.

What are the bees doing?

Are they funny bees?

Are they killer bees?

Do they have a talent? I don't know.

Who gives a shit? They're bees.

They'll do whatever bees do. The point is,

people tune in to find out what the hell we're doing next.

It's total water cooler.

Oh! And everything's live.

The bees are live? Maybe! How fucking great would that be?!

SHE WHIMPERS People, we got to throw away the rules.

Like, who says one show has to end

before another one can start?

How do you... Wait. What now?

OK, say you're in the middle of some cooking show. This woman's cooking,

and all of a sudden, the bad guy from a drama

runs in with a fucking gun and holds her fucking hostage!

Meanwhile, she has no idea what the fuck is happening!

The woman from the cooking show doesn't know?

Right! "Aah! What the fuck is happening?!"

And people are tweeting, "You got to watch this! Turn it on! Turn it on!"

Then, one of the cops from the drama runs in and shoots him...

I mean, actually shoots him.

We're shooting one of our actors?

So we'll pay him more. There are actors who will do it.

So we shoot him, then the police run in...

the real police...and it's news.

Then we cut to our news guy.

That's when our news show starts.

We make the news, then we report the news,

and no-one will report it before us

because we're the only ones who know what's happening.

It's TV for a new century.

And that's why they're going to watch us and not the other guys.

How about that, my zombies?!

BREATHING HEAVILY

So he was crazy. Yeah.

Hey, Matt.

Berta Nissick.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Actually, we've met before.

I was the junior junior casting person on Married With Children.

Oh, wow.

Oh, you probably don't remember, but you hit on me at the wrap party.

SHE CHUCKLES

OK.

So, this should be fun. I'm going to read with you.

So if there's anything you want me to do or don't want me to do...

Wait. What? What?

Uh...I'm not reading.

What?

No, my agent spoke to someone,

and it was absolutely understood that it's just a meeting.

Ah. Um...

Well, that's not the information we got.

Andrew and the execs are in there, waiting for you to read.

Well, that's not happening.

OK.

Um, just give me a sec.

SHE CLICKS TONGUE Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, I'm calling my agent.

Good. Good, good, good.

Yeah...

Hey, it's Matt LeBlanc. Is he there?

Can you reach him?

No, no. I need him now.

Cos I'm at fucking NBC, about to go into a fucking meeting,

and they think I'm fucking reading, which I am fucking not!

Listen, as soon as you hear from him,

you have him call me on my cell.

Monsieur LeBlanc...

What a clusterfuck.

We were told you were going to read.

No. The whole deal was I'm not going to read.

But then we heard that you were.

No. HE SCOFFS

How does this happen? I don't know.

It's mortifying. I am mortified.

So, what do we do?

I don't know. They're waiting.

You know if it were just up to me,

I would give you the part in a heartbeat,

but it's the fucking suits.

It's becoming a pissing match.

OK, look, you know how much I love this thing.

But, no, I'm not reading.

In all fairness...

and I probably shouldn't tell you this...

there is another actor they're very keen on.

Who? I can't say.

Can I? No. No? No!

He came in yesterday,

and he was fine in a totally boring way you'd expect

if you knew who I was talking about.

HE SNORES, LAUGHS

But if you don't read today,

they're going to give the part to him.

Plus, he's a lot cheaper than you.

A lot.

Please!

I beseech you.

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

No. No.

I'm not going to eat their shit.

Oh, come on!

We all have to eat shit now and then.

You just have to eat it until the show's a big hit...

It's called show business!

No. I'm sorry. Good luck with the project.

So you just walked out?

Hey, at a certain point,

someone has to say no to these assholes.

It's a very strange day when you're my hero.

Aw(!) So, do we know who the other guy is who's getting the part?

Nah. They were just using that to get me to read.

There probably isn't even another guy.

Really?

Here's what's going to happen. Right now, they're telling each other

they didn't want me in the first place.

Then they'll offer it to some big movie guy like Nicolas Cage,

who you know isn't going to do TV,

but he'll jerk them around for a while,

then come back and say... Ohh! He won't do TV.

Then they'll go to, like,

some big Broadway star who nobody's fucking heard of,

and he won't want to leave New York,

which only makes them want him more.

So they'll offer to shoot it in New York,

but then the Broadway guy will decide he doesn't want to do TV.

Then they'll just give it to Dylan McDermott.

And that's why I want to go home.

Right. But in the meantime, you're here.

So... To the three of us in what was, on the whole,

a fairly shitty experience... THEY LAUGH

PHONE RINGS Sorry.

Hold that thought.

You were up to "shitty experience." Hello?

Sean, hi. It's Eileen.

Did Carol Rance offer you a series pick-up, no pilot?

Yes. 'You've got to tell me these things.'

Kim Sally heard about it.

She's willing to match it and kick in a big penalty.

What? It's Eileen.

FOX is willing to offer us a series pick-up with a big penalty.

The penalty being we would have to do it.

Eileen, I'm sorry.

We said no to Carol, and it's no to Kim.

It's not going to happen.

PHONE RINGS Ugh! Unbelievable!

Hello?

Hi, sweetie.

Hi. I'm out to dinner. Can I call you back?

No. No?

Elliot Salad read your script.

He really liked it.

He said it was the one sane thing Castor said.

I can't believe we're even having this conversation again.

It's Elliot Salad!

'How do I say no to Elliot Salad?'

I don't care. With croutons, but say it.

What's happening? What's...

Elliot Salad read the script, and now he wants to do it.

She said... I heard. Put Bev on.

She wants to talk to you. Switch.

Seriously?!

Bev, hi.

We haven't really gotten to know each other that well...

Or at all. OK, sure. But can I just say, as your agent...

Our agent? She's our agent? Kind of.

What about Stanley? He's OK with it.

It's like waking up from a coma.

'Bev, listen to me.'

You've got two networks competing for you.

It's a big deal. Not to me.

Put her back on. Switch.

Jesus Christ!

Just put me on speaker.

You're on speaker. 'All right.'

What will it take to get you to stay here?

'Name it. I will make it happen.'

You want someone to bring you tea and crumpets every afternoon?

I will do it personally.

You...you need more rain?

We got machines for that.

'What do you want?'

Judi Dench?

There are ways to get her here.

What's she offering you?

Judi Dench, apparently.

For which part?

I think in general.

All right. Put me on speaker, too.

EXASPERATED SIGH

'Carol, hi. It's Eileen.'

CAROL: 'Hi, sweetie.'

'Kim is prepared to match whatever you're offering,

'and you know Kim.

'Yeah, I know Kim.

'She was my assistant for four years.

'I don't care what Kim wants.

'Elliot wants this to happen, so it is going to happen.'

No, it's not going to happen.

Then hang up.

Just hang up. Hang the fuck up.

We're hanging up. CAROL AND EILEEN: 'Don't hang up!'

Bye!

Now turn them off. Enough with the fucking phones.

Starting now, it's a no-phone dinner, yes?

Agreed. Done.

PHONE RINGS Hang on a sec.

What's up?

You sitting down? Yeah.

They blinked again.

Who blinked? 'NBC.' Meaning?

You got the show.

SIGHS WITH RELIEF

Got to say, I am not going to miss this place.

Oh, I know.

Of all the rooms we've ever been in,

this may be my least favourite.

And we've been in Anne Frank's house.

SHE LAUGHS

MERC LAUGHS

COCKNEY ACCENT: Look who's here! It's fish and chips.

Bloody hell. Fuck me.

Come here, you.

Really? Still?

Come here.

Ahh!

Ah, you know, this is so weird.

I was just thinking about you two. Why?

We got to make some more TV together.

Why would you say that?

I'll tell you what your problem is.

You need someone like me to run interference,

keep the idiots out of your hair.

This may be my favourite moment so far.

I'm telling you. Someone's got to protect you

from those assholes at the network.

Where were you when we met you?

HE LAUGHS

Unfortunately, we're heading back to London tomorrow.

Well, what about Pucks?

Over.

No! I loved that show.

Did you(?)

Well, at least that cocksucker LeBlanc's out of a job.

That's one good thing.

Actually, sorry to disappoint you,

but he's starring in a big NBC pilot. Really?

Mm, some drama. Supposed to be their hot new thing.

Oh.

Good for him.

All right, kitchen's done. What next?

Electric toothbrush with American plug?

Chuck it. Consider it chucked.

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, God.

The car's here already?

Hi.

I came to say goodbye.

And...?

And nothing.

I just wanted to give you a hug before you go.

I know.

I'm going to miss you so much.

I'm going to miss you, too.

I really am.

Susan Sarandon read your script.

What?! What?

Oh, God. I wasn't going to say it. It just popped out.

Let go of me.

Don't be mad.

She read it and really wants to do it.

Susan Sarandon. I love Susan Sarandon.

And she loves the part.

She's never done a series.

She said this is what she's been waiting for.

Come on. Susan Sarandon!

Oh, please!

You know by the time they're done with us,

it's not going to be Susan Sarandon.

She's just saying Susan Sarandon today.

Ooh, look... A carrot!

But once we're in, it's, "Oh, sorry."

"Susan can't do it. But you know who we can get?

"Someone shitty who's totally wrong for the part."

You watch. It'll end up being...

..this cup. She'll ring us up one day. "Hold for Carol."

And she'll be all... BREATHING HEAVILY

AS CAROL: "You guys, guess what?

"The cup wants to do your show. This is huge.

"The cup turns down everything!"

And we'll be, "Uh, the cup?"

And she'll say, "Seriously?

"You don't know the cup?

"From Where's My Saucer? And Me and the Spoon."

Yeah, and suddenly, we'll be doing a show

starring a fucking cup,

who you just know

is going to want to make lots of very cuppy changes

because it needs to make it its own.

SHE SIGHS

Did Susan say what she liked about it?

Oh! DOORBELL RINGS

Hey. Came to say goodbye.

And that's all? Uh, yeah.

You see?

This is what saying goodbye looks like.

No hidden agendas, no last-ditch efforts.

Susan Sarandon wants to do our show!

Pucks?! No, that other script.

Ooh. I worked with her. She's amazing.

If you could get Susan Sarandon... We've got her.

Probably good you're going home. DOORBELL RINGS

Shit. That's the car.

What are we forgetting?

Oh, good. I'm so glad I caught you before you left.

Hi, guys.

I've got big news.

CBS wants in.

That's three networks.

Well, only one is getting it.

CBS is guaranteeing them a killer time slot.

You don't have a killer time slot.

That's worth a lot.

I got them Susan Sarandon.

Susan Sarandon's not doing television.

Thank you. Mnh-mnh.

She's got three movies lined up.

What about Goldie Hawn?

Ooh! She's great.

She's a client.

Stop casting.

PHONE RINGS Mm...

Kim Sally from FOX.

Hi, honey.

I'm actually with them now.

Not with me.

I've also got Carol Rance here.

Kim wants to come over, too.

BEVERLY: No!

This is fun.

Don't worry. I'll call back if anything changes.

Nothing is going to change.

LANDLINE RINGING

Aren't you going to get that?

We never use that phone. It came with the house.

It's never rung the whole time we've been here.

We don't even know the number.

I'm sorry. I cannot not answer a phone.

Hello.

'Hi. I'm calling from CBS.

'I have Les Moonves for Sean and Beverly.'

Uh, Sean and Beverly are right here.

'You're on with Les.'

Hi. Is this Sean and Beverly?

Uh, it's Les Moon...

ALL GASP

We have a plane to catch.

Are you crazy? I'll call him and say we were disconnected.

You hung up on Les Moonves?! I'm calling Susan Sarandon.

How can we leave? Everybody wants us.

Which is why we should leave.

It's the perfect time.

What?

We have spent a year feeling absolutely powerless.

As soon as we say yes to one of those fuckers,

we're right back there,

but if we go now, with all of them fighting over us,

that's as good as it gets in this town.

This is the giraffe.

Hey, your car's here. What should I tell him?

We're leaving.

Oh!

Really?

Shouldn't we, uh...

Get Les Moonves back on the phone... I want to talk to Susan!

Fuck 'em.

THEY LAUGH

Get out of here.

Mr Salad!

I didn't know you were in town.

CHUCKLES

So I'm still getting hugs?

Why not? As I recall, last time we spoke,

you told me I could go fuck myself with Castor Sotto's dick.

Ah, you fired me. I was a little hurt.

Water under the bridge.

Anyway, uh, be well.

Oh! I heard about Matt LeBlanc getting that big pilot over at NBC.

What?

What? You didn't know? They're building a whole night around it.

Are you kidding? I got to say,

I was surprised you'd let that happen.

I mean, not my business any more, but how's that look?

He bombs with you guys, then gets a big hit across the street?

People get fired for that.

And it's NBC?

Mm-hmm. Jesus.

Ah! Sorry I even mentioned it.

Elliot, hi.

Have we officially cancelled Pucks?

Uh, no.

You sure?

The paperwork's still here on my desk.

Pick it up for six more.

Wait.

You want to pick up Pucks?

Today. But...you hate Pucks.

I hate NBC more.

Monsieur LeBlanc!

Hey!

How exciting. Our little adventure begins.

I know. Very cool.

You are going to be so wonderful in this.

I can already smell your Emmy.

SNIFFING No, that was me.

BOTH LAUGH

PHONE RINGS

Ugh. Hang on a second... Agent.

Hey, uh, can't talk right now.

Yeah, I'm already here.

Are you fucking kidding me?

They can't do that. We were cancelled.

What does "not officially" mean?

That's bullshit.

OK, so what does that mean about this?

I don't care. I'm doing it. They can't stop me!

Oh...

BEVERLY: How wonderful is this?

It's wet!

Remember wet?

Mm, and slippery, too.

I've missed every precarious inch of it.

Hard to believe that, yesterday,

we were sitting in traffic on the 405. Mm.

Oh, it's like waking up from some fever dream.

We're awake, and we're here.

And I love you.

Love you, too.

PHONE RINGS

It's an LA number.

Don't answer it.

Oh, dear God, don't answer it!

RINGING CONTINUES