Episode 1 Fast and Loose

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

On the show tonight - can it really be him?

Oh, no, it's Justin Edwards.

One of the all time great Pippas, Pippa Evans.

A man who needs no introduction, luckily, it's Greg Davies.

He's every house husband's choice, Humphrey Ker.

She's the queen of comedy and the Duchess of Devonshire, Laura Solon.

And stand well back and wear protective clothing,

because here's Marek Larwood.

Finally, would you please welcome your host,

a man who sounds a lot like me - Hugh Dennis!

Hello and welcome to the show.

Tonight we'll be improvising scene sketches and TV spoofs

and picking our performers' brains on an array of topics,

so let's play Fast and Loose.

To kick things off, let's play a game called Job Interviews.

This is for all our performers,

so if you could get into the Performance Zone.

You have to imagine that you've been invited for a job interview.

We want to hear the most disastrous thing you could say

to your prospective employer. So, if you're ready, off we go.

I don't have one of your proper degrees, I don't have any

of your fancy qualifications,

because I studied at the University of Leicester!

APPLAUSE

Why don't YOU give ME a good example of when you've worked well in a high-pressure environment?!

Yes, I'm very much a people person.

In my last job, I drilled a peephole into the girl's toilets.

I believe very strongly in an open-door policy, which is one

of the main reasons I'm no longer an air hostess.

Describe myself in three words?

OK. Honest, hard-working

and racist.

I have got a really good work ethnic.

Ethic! Ethic!

Where do I see myself in five years?

Sitting in your chair, wearing your wife's knickers!

When have I best displayed my leadership skills?

Well, I was extremely sexually dominant when I was in prison.

As an employee, I'm very much like Dolly Parton.

I work nine to five and I've got massive tits.

Well, I like to run my departments like I run my marathons.

So, slowly and dressed as a rhino.

I've been told to watch my shitting language!

Oh, fuck!

I once done 95 words per minute,

but it involved puking up a bowl of Alphabetti Spaghetti.

I ain't had no job since I done my paper round,

but Mr Thompson give me a reference and this is it,

"Greg is a good lad, but he keeps nicking sweets."

Well done, one and all.

It's time to meet our panel properly.

What better way than the part of the show

that I'm going to call Fun Fact Time?

I ask our performers to reveal a fun fact

about one of their co-performers this evening.

So, Justin?

Well, I'm 6ft 5,

Humphrey is 6ft 6

and Greg is a pervert.

I think we realised that from the first game. Greg?

Marek Larwood's eyes only pop out when he's sexually aroused.

Hmm... Marek?

Um, Greg's name is spelled exactly

the same forwards that it is backwards.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Right, our next game is called Weak Links.

It involves Justin, Laura, Greg and Humphrey.

Get into your positions, please.

This is, of course, our version of the BBC's quiz show phenomenon.

I'm going to play the host, Anne Robinson,

although, I'm going to be slightly less cuddly and

the rest of you are going to be contestants, but to spice things up,

we're going to give each of you a character to play.

So, Justin, you are a cockney market trader.

Laura, you are an outraged jilted bride.

Greg, you are a school bully.

And Humphrey, you are a passionate right-on campaigner.

So, let's get on with the game.

Who was the first actor to play Dr Who,

William Wallace or William Hartnell?

Blimey, love a duck, can't understand a word you're saying,

why don't you speak the Queen's? Three for a pound? Gertcha.

The answer you're looking for is, hmm, apples!

-No, it isn't?

-It is.

-It isn't.

-What is it, then?

-It's William Hartnell.

That's what I mean, apples and bells, William Hartnells.

You, if you can stop crying, the artist who illustrated

most of Roald Dahl's books is called Quentin who?

Arggh!

That is the second question I can't answer today!

The first one being,

"Do you take Graham to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

No! Cos he hasn't fucking turned up!

-You.

-You.

-Who had a hit with the song...

-Who had a hit with...

-Who had a hit with...

-Who had a hit...

-It's your own time you're wasting.

-It's you're own time you're wasting.

Who had a hit with the song Ice Ice Baby in 1990,

Vanilla ice or DJ Vienetta?

Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo-hoo!

My name's Hugh Dennis.

Oh, look at my jaw, it's almost a perfect square!

I'm going to ask you a question.

-OK.

-Budapest is the capital of which European country?

Why... Why do there even have to be countries, Hugh?

If everybody got together and maybe eat some probiotic macro yoghurt

that wasn't sourced illegally from Navajo Indians' burial grounds,

we wouldn't even have to worry about things like courts!

-Is it Hungary?

-That is correct.

Which English king was known as Longshanks

and the Hammer of the Scots?

The only king I care about is the pearly kings that walk up and down the beat.

Gentlemen, the lot of them. I used to sell fruit to Reggie Kray.

He's a lovely fella, he shot my wife.

She was asking for it, mind you.

I've forgotten the question again. Apples?

That was Edward I. Which chemical element has the symbol He?

Will YOU marry me?

I can't marry you because my jaw is a perfect square.

According to the carol, on which saint's feast day

did Good King Wenceslas look out?

Hello, everyone, I'm Hugh Dennis,

why don't we all play Tetris with my head?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Are you still at school, even though that game was many years ago?

Yes, I think you may be.

Who wrote the book Robinson Crusoe, Daniel Defoe or Jermain Defoe?

What matters is the plight of all of the whales in the world

that are being murdered by big oil companies.

Well, I'm afraid at the end of that round,

I've randomly decided that Greg is the weak link.

Goodbye.

HE MOCK-SOBS

My name's Hugh Dennis, I've got a face like a paving slab.

APPLAUSE

And that's it from me, good night.

Right, this is the part of the show that I think we could call DVD.

I'm going to take the opportunity to ask the performers to imagine

a DVD they would hate to receive as a gift. So, anyone?

Well, Hugh, I love music, so the DVD I'd hate to receive would be

Jamie Oliver Lisps The Hits Of Fleetwood Mac.

-Anyone else?

-I made a terrible mistake last Christmas and bought

my mum, by accident, a porn version of a classic.

She didn't like Forest Gimp, Hugh.

"Life is like a box of butt plugs - it hurts."

That's not going to get in.

It depends how sharp the butt plug is.

APPLAUSE

Right, let's play a game called Interpretive Dance

and taking part in this are Pippa and Laura,

but let's meet our special guest performer.

Would you please welcome, David Armand.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, the way that game works is that we play in a popular song

and ask our specialist interpretive dancer, David,

to illustrate the lyrics through the medium of dance.

Pippa and Laura will be wearing headphones,

and therefore unable to hear the music.

They have to guess the song and the artist purely from the mimes.

So, if you can put your headphones on. Can you hear me?

They can't hear me, so that's fantastic. David, if you are ready?

-I think so.

-Off we go.

MUSIC: Careless Whisper by George Michael

# I feel so unsure

# As I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor

# As the music dies

# Something in your eyes

# Calls to mind the silver screen

# And all its sad goodbyes

# I'm never going to dance again

# Guilty feet have got no rhythm

# Though it's easy to pretend

# I know you're not a fool

# Should have known better than to cheat a friend

# The wasted chance that I've been given

# So I'm never going to dance again

# The way I danced with you

# Oh, oh

# Time can never mend

# The careless whispers of a good friend

# To the heart and mind

# Ignorance is kind

# There's no comfort in the truth

# Pain is all you find

# I'm never going to dance again

# Guilty feet have got no rhythm

# Though it's easy to pretend

# I know you're not a fool

# Should have known better than to cheat a friend

# The wasted chance that I've been given

# So I'm never going to dance again

# The way I danced with you

# Oh...

SAXOPHONE SOLO

# Tonight the music seems so loud

# I wish that we could lose this crowd

# Maybe it's better this way

# We'd hurt each other with the things we want to say

# We could have been so good together

# We could have lived this dance forever

# But now who's going to dance with me?

# Please stay. #

So...

So, Pippa, Laura, any idea what that song was?

This made me think Terence Trent D'Arby.

I thought...nothing, but I am a little turned on.

Ah!

Oh, this...

Shush.

QUIETLY: Talking quietly is...

Whisper.

-BOTH: Careless whisper!

-Oh!

Fantastic.

Thank you very much to David Almond.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's time to get to know our performers, with the part of the show I like to call Party Piece.

Team, you're a multi-talented lot, but what is your party piece?

Anyone?

My party thing is that my face looks exactly the same

upside down as it does this way up.

Can I do it?

Could you just hold my legs, Greg?

If you could be my body for me, Pippa.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's a good party. It's a very good party.

That's quite remarkable.

Thank you very much!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right, next up is the mealtime maelstrom that we call Come Dining.

This is for Justin, Humphrey, Pippa, Greg and Marek. So, if you'd come on down to our dining area, please.

Justin and Pippa, you're going to begin acting out a mealtime scene in a film genre,

but when each of your guests arrive, you have to switch to performing in the genre that they bring with them.

As each of them leaves, the other performers have to revert back to the previous genre.

Justin and Pippa, if you could start us off as a US medical drama.

Humphrey. You're going to come in as a 1940s musical.

Greg, you are a BBC costume drama and Marek, you are Terminator.

LAUGHTER

So...

if you're ready, let's go.

Let's open him up, oh, American.

-(IN AMERICAN ACCENTS): Let's open him up.

-Let's open him up, doctor.

Hmm give me two pints of gravy.

OK, I'd like some kidneys and various offals on a plate.

What are you guys doing, eating breakfast?

Don't you know you got to sing about it!

# When you see sausage on the table You know that something's fine

# That's eggs and other things And other such lovely stuff

# Get it in one big, big bowl... #

Oh, why, Mr Darcy, I...

had I known of your presence, I would not be in, I'm sure, quite such a quiver.

This is such an intolerable imposition on my part.

Please, sit down and I'll look out the window.

I'm afraid I may not.

I may not sit with you, sir, as I have not received written permission from the Mayor.

LAUGHTER

-Please, please, do sit down. You're making me nervous.

-Your Lordship.

(ROBOTIC): Is your name Sarah Connor?

No!

Is your name Sarah Connor?

No. No. No, it's not.

Is your name Sarah Connor?

Yeah, no.

Is your name Sarah Connor?

I hate to disappoint you, but no, I...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What a terrifying visitor.

-Mr Darcy.

-Yes?

-I've spoken with my father, he says he's happy for you to give me an apple.

# Orange juice! Orange juice! Orange juice

# We genuinely don't have any orange juice! #

APPLAUSE

-Quickly, quickly eat first or we're losing him.

-Oh, no. Beep!

Oh, no, that's the microwave.

Thank you very much!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

OK, everyone. It's Party Time.

I'm going to spin some phat tunes and let our performers get their grind on.

When the music stops, they're have to come up with the least successful chat-up line they can think of.

So, if you're ready, let's cue the music.

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

Hey baby, I'm strong and sensitive and you're not even listening to me!

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

Oh, my God, I used to have that exact same T-shirt when I was a man.

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

I have just swallowed an abacus.

Because it's what's on the inside that counts.

GROANS AND LAUGHS

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

Yeah, I really like bald girls.

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? Cos I can make it happen!

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

Hey, haven't I seen you before somewhere?

Oh, no, that was a different ugly woman.

Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

Time for an educational game that we call Right Way, Wrong Way.

Pippa, Greg, Laura and Justin, make your way over here, please.

The performers will be showing us the best and worst ways to propose to someone.

Greg, you're going to show us the right way to propose to Pippa.

Justin, you're going to demonstrate the sure fire wrong way to propose to Laura.

The first bit, of course is arriving at the chosen location.

Pippa and Greg, show us the right way to do that.

Oh, a Michelin-starred restaurant.

Thank you, darling, this is lovely.

That's not all.

If you look up there, I've...

..I've actually hired a jumbo jet and if you watch carefully,

it's spelling, "I love you".

Admittedly, it's taking longer than I had hoped.

But I... I...

It's worth waiting for.

So, that's the right way!

And now, Justin and Laura, could you please show us the wrong way to do that?

I'll have too cheeseburgers,

two onion rings and...

Do you want anything?

So that's the wrong way!

Quite clearly the wrong way.

APPLAUSE

Now, next we come, of course, to making the actual proposal.

Note here how Greg combines just the right amount of romance with heartfelt sincerity.

So, if you could propose, please.

LAUGHTER

I, erm...

I'm so sorry, how awkward.

It's been...

How long has it been, four years? You know I love you, don't you?

-I know.

-You can see it, You can see, "I love".

-Look...

-No?!

Really?

Marry me.

Yes!

So, that's the right way. In fact, I think that may be real.

It certainly is in my mind!

LAUGHTER

This is now the wrong way, as shown us by Justin and Laura.

Sorry, I was very drunk when we slept together. I can't remember your name.

So that's the wrong way.

APPLAUSE

The final stage of all this is dealing with the answer that you get.

So, see how Greg continues to keep it together, despite being just a jumble of emotions.

Oh...

-Oh, don't cry.

-Oh, God.

There, "you"!

Perfect timing.

So, that's the right way.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And now, Justin and Laura are going to show us how not to set the scene on an already disastrous evening.

What do you mean, "No", how many offers are you going to get?

It's going to be awkward, I've slept with both of your parents!

So have I!

It's all right. It's fine.

It's OK.

It really is OK, because the BBC is producing a fact sheet. Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now we move onto a game called Sideways Scene. This is for Pippa, Justin and Marek

and it takes place in the special area behind the set.

So, if you could head off there, please.

Get ready. Now you three are going to perform a scene in different genres, suggested by me,

but the difference is you're going to be doing it lying down on a magic mat

and we're going relay the pictures to the audience on the big screen.

Now, the scenario, there you go, if you're ready,

is that Justin and Pippa, you are two newlyweds unpacking things in your house

and then your plumber, Marek, arrives to warn you of a burst pipe next door.

So, if you're ready, off you go.

-Oh.

-Oh.

-Well. I'm exhausted, darling.

Yes, we've unpacked the chair, I do wish we'd brought more furniture.

-What more do we need than our love?

-You're right.

Oh, is that someone at the door?

I'll go and have a look.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

There's water!

Bloody lots of it!

Quickly, get in.

OK, freeze, please. I want you to change the genre to a surfing movie.

Oh, man!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's a shark!

OK, freeze, please. Now I want you to go to a break dance movie.

-Wow!

-That's right!

I'm doing my break floating.

I'm doing some body popping.

Wow! Yeah!

APPLAUSE

OK, freeze again.

Now I want you to change to Jurassic Park.

Roar!

-Don't eat me!

-Argh! Argh!

OK, freeze, please. Now, Titanic.

Argh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Argh!

-No.

Quick! Hold on to the iceberg.

OK, freeze, please.

Now, an illusionist show.

Are you sure this will work?

Yes, I lie the woman flat with one end suspended on the chair.

My beautiful assistant will remove the chair and she will float in mid-air. Shazam!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you, come on round.

CHEERING

That's all we have time for tonight. So, thanks to Justin Edwards.

Laura Solon.

Humphrey Ker. Pippa Evans.

Marek Larwood and Greg Davis.

Good night from me, Hugh Dennis. See you next time we play Fast and Loose!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]