Episode 8 Fast and Loose

Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 21 seconds at least, you're watching Fast And Loose.

On the show tonight, Hampshire's number one name for carpets and bedding - Justin Edwards.

She's noticeably taller than Ann Widdecombe - Laura Solon.

He can become gaseous and volatile at room temperature - Greg Davies.

He's hunted by the Inuit for his fur - Humphrey Ker.

He's the best of Davids, he's the worst of Davids - David Armand.

And do not return to him even if he's gone out - he's Marek Larwood.

And finally, would you please welcome your host, a man who sounds a lot like me - Hugh Dennis!

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello and welcome to the show.

We'll improvise scenes, sketches and TV spoofs and pick our performers' brains on an array of topics,

so let's play Fast And Loose.

To kick things off, let's play a game called Job Interviews.

This is a game for everyone, so head over to our performance zone.

You have to imagine that you've been invited for a job interview.

We want to hear the most disastrous thing that you could say to your prospective employer, so off we go.

Well, I think I'll make a great postman

because number one, my name's Pat,

number two, I only like to work a couple of hours a day,

and number three, I'm a thief.

BUZZER

Yes, I've got my CV right here because I've carved it into my chest with a pen knife.

BUZZER

I would describe my managerial style as Mugabe - hard, but fair.

BUZZER

I don't think I have any weaknesses, really.

I do have a habit of falling asleep in the middle of...

BUZZER

Oh, my God, Mr Jenkins! Do you remember me?

New Year's Eve. I was the girl who got off with your mum.

BUZZER

I am capable of taking a lot of things on board,

as I live on a boat.

BUZZER

Well, last night, I had a bath and I wee'd in it, so yes, I can multi-task.

BUZZER

I can touch-type 60 words a minute.

But that is the only phrase I can type.

BUZZER

I used to have a job as a gym instructor previously.

I lost that when I instructed Jim to kill himself.

BUZZER

MONOTONOUS VOICE: At my last job, I was known as the office clown.

Not because I'm funny.

Because I've got big feet and my car exploded.

BUZZER

I spent five years in Japan where I headed up the marketing

for the highly popular Hello Kitty merchandise

and their rather less successful Fuck Off, Kitty, I'm Busy range.

BUZZER

I'm...I'm definitely the best candidate for the job today

because I've just killed everyone else in reception.

BUZZER

Well, if I do have a fault, it's that I like to take work home

and that's why I lost my job at the creche.

Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

Now it's that part of the show that we call Disappointing Holiday

where I ask the performers to tell me what was their most disappointing holiday. Justin?

I spent two weeks on Isla St Clair.

Greg?

My worst holiday ever was a pirate-themed holiday I had in Somalia, Hugh.

We were only booked to go for a fortnight. I was there for three years.

Thank you very much.

Next up, the menu of merriment that we call Come Dining.

This is for Justin, Humphrey, David, Greg and Marek,

so come over to our sumptuously appointed dining area, please.

Justin and Humphrey, you'll start us off by acting out a mealtime scene in a film genre specified by me,

but when each of your guests arrive, you must switch to performing in the genre that they bring with them,

then as each of them leaves, the other performers must revert to the genre they were in before.

Justin and Humphrey, start us off, please, as a kids' TV programme.

David, you're going to come in as Thunderbirds.

Greg, you're going to be a Roman epic.

And Marek...

you are Lassie.

LAUGHTER

I think that's fair enough, so if you're ready, off we go.

Well, hello.

LAUGHTER

-Welcome to Cookery Corner...

-Whoo!

-..where Justin and I are going to be whipping up something delicious.

Grannies and grandads, leave the room because you smell.

-Let's eat.

-Virgil, Brains! Don't get up!

I'll just sit here. Wait a second.

No, hang on.

No, no.

If you could move the chair a little closer to me perhaps...

No. I got it. I'm going to get it. I'm going to get it. I'm going...

-There we go!

-APPLAUSE

Citizens!

This shall be the greatest battle the Colosseum has ever seen!

Gladiator, ready!

Massive tiger, ready!

Raargh!

-Hey, boy!

-What is it, boy?

-What are you trying to tell us?

-A break-in at the building society?

Grandad did what?

-MAREK BARKS

-There's a child in a well?

-We're not following you, Lassie.

-What? Do you...?

Someone's killed a pig.

-Caesar, I'm really not happy about this.

-What?

-The tiger. It just seems so unfair.

If you win, you will go on to fight...Lassie's pig.

I don't think it's entirely fair.

It's been a lot of fun seeing you guys, so I'm going to go back and continue the fight

against the Mysterons.

-Oh, no, that was Captain Scarlet.

-LAUGHTER

They're all the same!

Well, that was delicious, wasn't it?

What an exciting array of guests! What's coming up next?

Join us on the show next week when we'll be getting a new dog.

-Ooh!

-And making it fight the old one.

-Thank you very much.

-APPLAUSE

Now we come to that part of the show I like to call Embarrassing Moments.

I ask the performers to share with us the most embarrassing moment in their lives. I'll start with Justin.

I caught my scrotum in another man's flies.

I'm with you.

Marek?

Well, at school once, when we were counting out loud,

I forgot the number ten

and so that instant has been forever known

as nine-eleven.

APPLAUSE

Greg?

My most embarrassing moment, and this is absolutely true,

is having to confess to my father as a young man about something I was embarrassed about,

then him, for the rest of my childhood and adult life,

referring to me as Alien Bollocks.

LAUGHTER

I'm not joking.

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

Next, we play a game called Interpretative Dance.

Taking part in this are Humphrey, Laura and David,

so if you'd like to get into position, please.

The way that this game works is we play in a popular song

and we ask our interpretative dancer David to illustrate the lyrics through the medium of dance.

Humphrey and Laura will wear headphones, so put those on.

They're going to be unable to hear the music and they must guess the song and the artist from the mime.

So can you hear me?

Right, so if they can't hear me, off we go.

# Oh, baby, baby...

# Oh, baby, baby

# How was I supposed to know

# That something wasn't right here?

# Oh, baby, baby

# I shouldn't have let you go

# And now you're out of sight, yeah

# Show me how you want it to be

# Tell me, baby

# Cos I need to know now what we've got

# My loneliness is killing me

# And I...

# I must confess, I still believe Still believe

# When I'm not with you, I lose my mind

# Give me a sign

# Hit me, baby, one more time

# Oh, baby, baby The reason I breathe is you

# Boy, you got me blinded

# Oh, baby, baby

# There's nothing that I wouldn't do

# That's not the way I planned it

# Show me how you want it to be

# Tell me, baby

# Cos I need to know now what we've got

# My loneliness is killing me

# And I... I must confess

# I still believe Still believe

# When I'm not with you, I lose my mind

# Give me a sign

# Hit me, baby, one more time! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fantastic. So, Laura, what do you reckon?

-I think I've got it.

-Yeah?

-Is it Hit Me, Baby, One More Time?

APPLAUSE

Thank you, David Armand!

APPLAUSE

It's that part of the show that I like to call Gift.

I ask our performers to tell us about the worst gift they have ever received or given. So, Humphrey?

My worst ever gift experience was a couple of Christmases ago.

My sister sent my present to the wrong person.

I wrote to them, but I tell you what, those villagers were not giving that goat back!

David?

The gift that keeps on giving, Hugh.

Herpes.

Greg?

Again, Hugh, genuinely, my worst ever gift I got last year for my birthday

and it was a knitted Nelson Mandela.

And Justin?

This is a genuine tip for anyone who is married.

Don't, as an anniversary present, buy your wife hoover bags.

Thank you very much.

Now we play a game called 7-Up.

This is for Humphrey, Justin, David, Greg and Marek, so come down to the performance area.

This round is inspired by the documentary series which follows ordinary people through their lives

and interviews them every seven years.

I'll be taking the part of the interviewer asking questions of characters played by the performers.

-Justin and Humphrey...

-Yes?

-You are Adam and Eve.

David, you are an arty film director.

Greg and Marek, you are the world's most evil man

and his henchman.

Right, so, Adam and Eve, you are seven years old. How are things in the Garden of Eden?

Oh, my gosh, the Garden of Eden is like the best place in the whole world ever!

Because basically, it is the only thing in the whole world ever!

But it's quite lonely... Oh, my ribs!

Who are you?

I am the beautiful Eve.

What?!

I hope your relationship works out the next time we meet.

David, what's being seven like for you?

I'm a big fan of the work of Truffaut,

Godard, Tarkovsky.

I screen these films to my friends at junior school.

I get punched a lot.

And Greg and Marek,

-you're friends, I presume?

-Yes! Hahaha!

I am the most evil 7-year-old in the world!

And this is my evil assistant Balderama.

-Hello. I am also very evil.

-LAUGHTER

-He's very evil, but not as evil as I.

-No.

-I intend to take over the world, don't I?

-Yes, he bloomin' does.

-But first...our primary school!

-That's a good place to start.

-Yes, isn't it? I shall barricade it and put the teachers in the classroom.

-Yes.

-And then what will we do?

-I'm going to draw a mouse.

LAUGHTER

Is that all you're going to do?! I'm trying to take over the world and you draw a mouse?!

-Mm.

-Well...

So now through the magic of television, of course, you are now all 14 years old, so...

Adam and Eve, it wasn't that peaceful. How have the last seven years been treating you?

-It's boring, really. We just hang around. There's nothing...

-It's not boring.

-What is that?

Wow!

It's never done that before.

-How big is that going to get?

-I've genuinely got no idea!

You could hang a tie on that.

-What's a tie?

-I don't know. I'm blissful in my ignorance.

David, you're 14 now. Have you made any films?

Yes, I have recently started work on my first epic film

which is simply entitled Why?

But it's spelt Q.

LAUGHTER

Well, that's very interesting.

Greg and Marek, you had a plan to take over the primary as a practice thing.

We have learnt a lot from our last attempt. I will take over the secondary school!

I've barricaded the dinner ladies in and then, Balderama, we will strike! And you will...

Draw a picture of a mouse!

LAUGHTER

WHY?!

Seven years on and you're still drawing a picture of a mouse, you buffoon!

-So not much seems to have changed there.

-Oooh!

No, not much has changed, Hugh!

LAUGHTER

Now, incredibly, seven short years have passed. Adam and Eve, you're now 21.

-We're not in the Garden of Eden. That all ended badly.

-Yes, cast out because of SOMEBODY,

no names mentioned...! Eve!

It is freezing out here. I've got the wind... whistling through my lettuce.

-We've discovered clothes now!

-Put a fig roll on it, you said!

-No, I said fig leaf!

-I misheard.

David, you're 21. You've made lots of films?

Luckily now I am old enough to smoke.

I've been holding my fingers like this for 14 years, waiting to place a cigarette between them.

LAUGHTER

Excellent. Greg and Marek, you're not looking too happy.

Has the level of evil failed to rise to your expectation?

No, not at all, Hugh. If anything, I'm more evil than I've ever been.

I just succeeded in hijacking a nuclear bomb.

-Got as far as taking it to Downing Street, didn't we?

-Y-Y-Yes!

Then what did you do?

Well, I...

-I got out a pen...

-Yes.

And I thought, you know, what could brighten this missile up?

So I drew a picture, didn't I?

Yes.

-(Of a mouse.)

-LAUGHTER

Thank you all very much indeed!

Well done, everyone.

Right, I make it party time. I hammer out some rhythms and ask our performers to get bare jiggy.

When the music stops, they'll tell me the least successful chat-up line they can imagine. Cue the music.

GROOVY DANCE MUSIC

Hey, baby! Your mouth says no, but your body language says...

Oh, no, as well. I'm sorry.

Wow!

I didn't know there was a fifth Golden Girl!

Er, up close it looks exactly like a turkey's neck.

LAUGHTER

Wow! You've got an amazing bum! It looks like a bin bag full of coleslaw.

Has anyone ever told you you look like a masculine, black Angela Lansbury?

Have you got a pen? Yeah? Well, get back in it, love.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much!

It's time now for an educational game that we call Right Way, Wrong Way.

This involves Laura, Greg, Humphrey and Justin. Make your way over.

Now the performers are going to show us the worst and best ways to behave on an aeroplane.

Greg, you are the passenger. Laura, you are the cabin crew, showing us the right way.

Humphrey is the passenger and Justin the air steward with the wrong way.

Let's begin with getting seated. Off you go.

Good morning, sir. I'll be your personalised cabin steward.

Is there anything at all I can do to make you more comfortable?

LAUGHTER

There is, actually.

As you can see, I am a freak of nature.

I'd very much like to move from this uncomfortable seat so I don't get full-body thrombosis and die.

That's the right way to do it.

Vaguely. And Justin and Humphrey, show us the sure-fire wrong way.

-Hey, mate.

-What, beanpole?

This seat's bloody uncomfortable because I have sat on a child.

LAUGHTER

So that's pretty much the wrong way. The next stage is calling for assistance.

Once again, Greg, your calm manner and respectful demeanour ensure it is dealt with swiftly and easily.

-BOOM!

-I've been standing right here just in case you need anything from me at all, sir.

I must say, I've never encountered service like this in my life.

I find you efficient,

polite and, dare I say it, incredibly attractive.

So that's the right way... Now, Justin and Humphrey, the wrong way.

-BURPS

-Hey! Hey!

-What?

-Oi!

-I was in the toilet.

-Oh!

-What do you want?

-I have trapped myself

-in the tray.

-LAUGHTER

There you go.

To be fair, I'm not sure there really is a right way of dealing with that.

Now onto the third stage, which is having the meals.

Notice how Greg's thoughtful and gentlemanly conduct

makes the complicated meal-choosing process a pleasure for the crew.

So this is the right way.

Here's your menu, sir. If there is absolutely anything else I can do to help you on top of this,

you just let me know immediately and I will do whatever it takes... and wherever.

I'll have the chicken, please. LAUGHTER

That was the right way.

APPLAUSE

That is indeed the right way. Now this is the wrong way.

I've got two sandwiches. They're both ten quid each.

Awww...

Have you got any nuts?

LAUGHTER

And by the way... I'm still trapped in the tray.

Thank you very much!

Now it's that part of the show that I like to call Lookalikes.

I ask our performers to tell us who or what they've been told they look like.

I often get mistaken for David Coulthard or the sugar lump on the side of the Tate and Lyle packet.

Marek?

Em, a bald Sally Gunnell. LAUGHTER

-I can't see that at all.

-Thanks, Hugh.

-Laura?

Em, well, at the moment where I'm sat,

I could look like the sixth member of the UK's most unattractive girl band.

-And Justin?

-At my brother's wedding, my dad said I looked like two sacks of shit in a Boden suit.

That's unfair. Thank you very much.

Right, now we move on to a game called Sideways Scene with Justin and Marek and our special guest.

Please welcome Pippa Evans!

Now this takes place in a special area behind the set.

If you could head off and get ready.

You three are going to perform a scene in different genres suggested by me.

But you're going to be doing it lying down on our magic mat.

We'll relay the pictures to our audience on the screen. There they are.

Right.

The scenario is that Pippa...

LAUGHTER

Pippa and Justin, you are two Midwestern farmers

who are milking in the cowshed

when farmhand Marek... arrives to warn you

that a twister is on the way.

So if you're ready, off you go.

Where IS the cow?

The cow? I had to put it back in the shed. Want me to go get him?

-Yeah, pop over and get it.

-OK, I'll just pop over...

I'll just pop over...

I'll just go...

Ah, there he is. Come on.

-Come on, Daisy!

-In you come...

-Ungh!

-Oh!

Oh, gee willikers!

APPLAUSE

Oh...!

Oh!

Go see what's all the commotion.

Aaaah!

Aaaargh!

Come in!

Waaargh!

Wow!

-Come on, honey. Come on in.

-You're safe with us, boy!

-Things are flying everywhere!

-Freeze, please! Freeze!

Now I want you to swap to a vampire movie.

There's all kind of commotion out there. I don't know what's going on.

Oh, my!

APPLAUSE

Is it time to get up?

APPLAUSE

OK, and swap please now to Dancing On Ice.

Whoo!

I hope this stays my career.

And throw her about...!

Ready for the catch.

-Yeah! That's surely 10 point!

-Freeze, Marek!

-Freeze! Freeze! Change to an action movie explosion scene!

-Oh, my!

-Whatever you do, don't touch that chair!

-Don't touch the wha...?

Aaargh!

Aaargh!

APPLAUSE

OK, and freeze, please. And could you now...? Where have the other two gone?!

Could you swap now to Alien?

Something weird's going on here.

Aaiee! What the...?!

Justin? Justin!

I can feel...something... something in my stomach.

Waaaaah!

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much!

Thank you very much, everyone! And thank you to Pippa Evans!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's all we have time for. Thanks to Justin Edwards, David Armand,

Humphrey Ker, Laura Solon, Marek Larwood and Greg Davies.

And good night from me, Hugh Dennis. See you the next time we play Fast and Loose.

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2011

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