Episode 8 Fast and Loose


Episode 8

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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 21 seconds at least, you're watching Fast And Loose.

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On the show tonight, Hampshire's number one name for carpets and bedding - Justin Edwards.

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She's noticeably taller than Ann Widdecombe - Laura Solon.

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He can become gaseous and volatile at room temperature - Greg Davies.

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He's hunted by the Inuit for his fur - Humphrey Ker.

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He's the best of Davids, he's the worst of Davids - David Armand.

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And do not return to him even if he's gone out - he's Marek Larwood.

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And finally, would you please welcome your host, a man who sounds a lot like me - Hugh Dennis!

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This programme contains some strong language.

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Hello and welcome to the show.

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We'll improvise scenes, sketches and TV spoofs and pick our performers' brains on an array of topics,

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so let's play Fast And Loose.

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To kick things off, let's play a game called Job Interviews.

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This is a game for everyone, so head over to our performance zone.

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You have to imagine that you've been invited for a job interview.

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We want to hear the most disastrous thing that you could say to your prospective employer, so off we go.

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Well, I think I'll make a great postman

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because number one, my name's Pat,

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number two, I only like to work a couple of hours a day,

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and number three, I'm a thief.

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BUZZER

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Yes, I've got my CV right here because I've carved it into my chest with a pen knife.

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BUZZER

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I would describe my managerial style as Mugabe - hard, but fair.

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BUZZER

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I don't think I have any weaknesses, really.

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I do have a habit of falling asleep in the middle of...

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BUZZER

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Oh, my God, Mr Jenkins! Do you remember me?

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New Year's Eve. I was the girl who got off with your mum.

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BUZZER

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I am capable of taking a lot of things on board,

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as I live on a boat.

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BUZZER

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Well, last night, I had a bath and I wee'd in it, so yes, I can multi-task.

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BUZZER

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I can touch-type 60 words a minute.

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But that is the only phrase I can type.

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BUZZER

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I used to have a job as a gym instructor previously.

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I lost that when I instructed Jim to kill himself.

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BUZZER

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MONOTONOUS VOICE: At my last job, I was known as the office clown.

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Not because I'm funny.

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Because I've got big feet and my car exploded.

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BUZZER

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I spent five years in Japan where I headed up the marketing

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for the highly popular Hello Kitty merchandise

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and their rather less successful Fuck Off, Kitty, I'm Busy range.

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BUZZER

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I'm...I'm definitely the best candidate for the job today

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because I've just killed everyone else in reception.

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BUZZER

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Well, if I do have a fault, it's that I like to take work home

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and that's why I lost my job at the creche.

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Thank you very much.

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APPLAUSE

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Now it's that part of the show that we call Disappointing Holiday

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where I ask the performers to tell me what was their most disappointing holiday. Justin?

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I spent two weeks on Isla St Clair.

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Greg?

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My worst holiday ever was a pirate-themed holiday I had in Somalia, Hugh.

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We were only booked to go for a fortnight. I was there for three years.

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Thank you very much.

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Next up, the menu of merriment that we call Come Dining.

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This is for Justin, Humphrey, David, Greg and Marek,

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so come over to our sumptuously appointed dining area, please.

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Justin and Humphrey, you'll start us off by acting out a mealtime scene in a film genre specified by me,

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but when each of your guests arrive, you must switch to performing in the genre that they bring with them,

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then as each of them leaves, the other performers must revert to the genre they were in before.

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Justin and Humphrey, start us off, please, as a kids' TV programme.

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David, you're going to come in as Thunderbirds.

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Greg, you're going to be a Roman epic.

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And Marek...

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you are Lassie.

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LAUGHTER

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I think that's fair enough, so if you're ready, off we go.

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Well, hello.

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LAUGHTER

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-Welcome to Cookery Corner...

-Whoo!

-..where Justin and I are going to be whipping up something delicious.

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Grannies and grandads, leave the room because you smell.

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-Let's eat.

-Virgil, Brains! Don't get up!

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I'll just sit here. Wait a second.

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No, hang on.

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No, no.

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If you could move the chair a little closer to me perhaps...

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No. I got it. I'm going to get it. I'm going to get it. I'm going...

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-There we go!

-APPLAUSE

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Citizens!

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This shall be the greatest battle the Colosseum has ever seen!

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Gladiator, ready!

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Massive tiger, ready!

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Raargh!

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-Hey, boy!

-What is it, boy?

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-What are you trying to tell us?

-A break-in at the building society?

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Grandad did what?

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-MAREK BARKS

-There's a child in a well?

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-We're not following you, Lassie.

-What? Do you...?

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Someone's killed a pig.

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-Caesar, I'm really not happy about this.

-What?

-The tiger. It just seems so unfair.

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If you win, you will go on to fight...Lassie's pig.

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I don't think it's entirely fair.

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It's been a lot of fun seeing you guys, so I'm going to go back and continue the fight

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against the Mysterons.

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-Oh, no, that was Captain Scarlet.

-LAUGHTER

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They're all the same!

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Well, that was delicious, wasn't it?

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What an exciting array of guests! What's coming up next?

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Join us on the show next week when we'll be getting a new dog.

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-Ooh!

-And making it fight the old one.

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-Thank you very much.

-APPLAUSE

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Now we come to that part of the show I like to call Embarrassing Moments.

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I ask the performers to share with us the most embarrassing moment in their lives. I'll start with Justin.

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I caught my scrotum in another man's flies.

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I'm with you.

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Marek?

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Well, at school once, when we were counting out loud,

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I forgot the number ten

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and so that instant has been forever known

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as nine-eleven.

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APPLAUSE

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Greg?

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My most embarrassing moment, and this is absolutely true,

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is having to confess to my father as a young man about something I was embarrassed about,

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then him, for the rest of my childhood and adult life,

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referring to me as Alien Bollocks.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm not joking.

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-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

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Next, we play a game called Interpretative Dance.

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Taking part in this are Humphrey, Laura and David,

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so if you'd like to get into position, please.

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The way that this game works is we play in a popular song

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and we ask our interpretative dancer David to illustrate the lyrics through the medium of dance.

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Humphrey and Laura will wear headphones, so put those on.

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They're going to be unable to hear the music and they must guess the song and the artist from the mime.

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So can you hear me?

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Right, so if they can't hear me, off we go.

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# Oh, baby, baby...

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# Oh, baby, baby

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# How was I supposed to know

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# That something wasn't right here?

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# Oh, baby, baby

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# I shouldn't have let you go

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# And now you're out of sight, yeah

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# Show me how you want it to be

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# Tell me, baby

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# Cos I need to know now what we've got

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# My loneliness is killing me

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# And I...

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# I must confess, I still believe Still believe

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# When I'm not with you, I lose my mind

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# Give me a sign

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# Hit me, baby, one more time

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# Oh, baby, baby The reason I breathe is you

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# Boy, you got me blinded

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# Oh, baby, baby

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# There's nothing that I wouldn't do

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# That's not the way I planned it

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# Show me how you want it to be

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# Tell me, baby

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# Cos I need to know now what we've got

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# My loneliness is killing me

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# And I... I must confess

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# I still believe Still believe

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# When I'm not with you, I lose my mind

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# Give me a sign

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# Hit me, baby, one more time! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Fantastic. So, Laura, what do you reckon?

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-I think I've got it.

-Yeah?

-Is it Hit Me, Baby, One More Time?

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you, David Armand!

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APPLAUSE

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It's that part of the show that I like to call Gift.

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I ask our performers to tell us about the worst gift they have ever received or given. So, Humphrey?

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My worst ever gift experience was a couple of Christmases ago.

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My sister sent my present to the wrong person.

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I wrote to them, but I tell you what, those villagers were not giving that goat back!

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David?

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The gift that keeps on giving, Hugh.

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Herpes.

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Greg?

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Again, Hugh, genuinely, my worst ever gift I got last year for my birthday

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and it was a knitted Nelson Mandela.

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And Justin?

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This is a genuine tip for anyone who is married.

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Don't, as an anniversary present, buy your wife hoover bags.

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Thank you very much.

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Now we play a game called 7-Up.

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This is for Humphrey, Justin, David, Greg and Marek, so come down to the performance area.

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This round is inspired by the documentary series which follows ordinary people through their lives

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and interviews them every seven years.

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I'll be taking the part of the interviewer asking questions of characters played by the performers.

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-Justin and Humphrey...

-Yes?

-You are Adam and Eve.

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David, you are an arty film director.

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Greg and Marek, you are the world's most evil man

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and his henchman.

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Right, so, Adam and Eve, you are seven years old. How are things in the Garden of Eden?

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Oh, my gosh, the Garden of Eden is like the best place in the whole world ever!

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Because basically, it is the only thing in the whole world ever!

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But it's quite lonely... Oh, my ribs!

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Who are you?

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I am the beautiful Eve.

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What?!

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I hope your relationship works out the next time we meet.

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David, what's being seven like for you?

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I'm a big fan of the work of Truffaut,

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Godard, Tarkovsky.

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I screen these films to my friends at junior school.

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I get punched a lot.

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And Greg and Marek,

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-you're friends, I presume?

-Yes! Hahaha!

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I am the most evil 7-year-old in the world!

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And this is my evil assistant Balderama.

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-Hello. I am also very evil.

-LAUGHTER

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-He's very evil, but not as evil as I.

-No.

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-I intend to take over the world, don't I?

-Yes, he bloomin' does.

-But first...our primary school!

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-That's a good place to start.

-Yes, isn't it? I shall barricade it and put the teachers in the classroom.

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-Yes.

-And then what will we do?

-I'm going to draw a mouse.

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LAUGHTER

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Is that all you're going to do?! I'm trying to take over the world and you draw a mouse?!

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-Mm.

-Well...

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So now through the magic of television, of course, you are now all 14 years old, so...

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Adam and Eve, it wasn't that peaceful. How have the last seven years been treating you?

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-It's boring, really. We just hang around. There's nothing...

-It's not boring.

-What is that?

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Wow!

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It's never done that before.

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-How big is that going to get?

-I've genuinely got no idea!

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You could hang a tie on that.

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-What's a tie?

-I don't know. I'm blissful in my ignorance.

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David, you're 14 now. Have you made any films?

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Yes, I have recently started work on my first epic film

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which is simply entitled Why?

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But it's spelt Q.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, that's very interesting.

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Greg and Marek, you had a plan to take over the primary as a practice thing.

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We have learnt a lot from our last attempt. I will take over the secondary school!

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I've barricaded the dinner ladies in and then, Balderama, we will strike! And you will...

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Draw a picture of a mouse!

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LAUGHTER

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WHY?!

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Seven years on and you're still drawing a picture of a mouse, you buffoon!

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-So not much seems to have changed there.

-Oooh!

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No, not much has changed, Hugh!

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LAUGHTER

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Now, incredibly, seven short years have passed. Adam and Eve, you're now 21.

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-We're not in the Garden of Eden. That all ended badly.

-Yes, cast out because of SOMEBODY,

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no names mentioned...! Eve!

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It is freezing out here. I've got the wind... whistling through my lettuce.

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-We've discovered clothes now!

-Put a fig roll on it, you said!

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-No, I said fig leaf!

-I misheard.

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David, you're 21. You've made lots of films?

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Luckily now I am old enough to smoke.

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I've been holding my fingers like this for 14 years, waiting to place a cigarette between them.

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LAUGHTER

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Excellent. Greg and Marek, you're not looking too happy.

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Has the level of evil failed to rise to your expectation?

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No, not at all, Hugh. If anything, I'm more evil than I've ever been.

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I just succeeded in hijacking a nuclear bomb.

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-Got as far as taking it to Downing Street, didn't we?

-Y-Y-Yes!

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Then what did you do?

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Well, I...

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-I got out a pen...

-Yes.

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And I thought, you know, what could brighten this missile up?

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So I drew a picture, didn't I?

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Yes.

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-(Of a mouse.)

-LAUGHTER

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Thank you all very much indeed!

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Well done, everyone.

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Right, I make it party time. I hammer out some rhythms and ask our performers to get bare jiggy.

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When the music stops, they'll tell me the least successful chat-up line they can imagine. Cue the music.

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GROOVY DANCE MUSIC

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Hey, baby! Your mouth says no, but your body language says...

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Oh, no, as well. I'm sorry.

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Wow!

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I didn't know there was a fifth Golden Girl!

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Er, up close it looks exactly like a turkey's neck.

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LAUGHTER

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Wow! You've got an amazing bum! It looks like a bin bag full of coleslaw.

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Has anyone ever told you you look like a masculine, black Angela Lansbury?

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Have you got a pen? Yeah? Well, get back in it, love.

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much!

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It's time now for an educational game that we call Right Way, Wrong Way.

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This involves Laura, Greg, Humphrey and Justin. Make your way over.

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Now the performers are going to show us the worst and best ways to behave on an aeroplane.

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Greg, you are the passenger. Laura, you are the cabin crew, showing us the right way.

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Humphrey is the passenger and Justin the air steward with the wrong way.

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Let's begin with getting seated. Off you go.

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Good morning, sir. I'll be your personalised cabin steward.

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Is there anything at all I can do to make you more comfortable?

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LAUGHTER

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There is, actually.

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As you can see, I am a freak of nature.

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I'd very much like to move from this uncomfortable seat so I don't get full-body thrombosis and die.

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That's the right way to do it.

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Vaguely. And Justin and Humphrey, show us the sure-fire wrong way.

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-Hey, mate.

-What, beanpole?

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This seat's bloody uncomfortable because I have sat on a child.

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LAUGHTER

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So that's pretty much the wrong way. The next stage is calling for assistance.

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Once again, Greg, your calm manner and respectful demeanour ensure it is dealt with swiftly and easily.

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-BOOM!

-I've been standing right here just in case you need anything from me at all, sir.

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I must say, I've never encountered service like this in my life.

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I find you efficient,

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polite and, dare I say it, incredibly attractive.

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So that's the right way... Now, Justin and Humphrey, the wrong way.

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-BURPS

-Hey! Hey!

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-What?

-Oi!

-I was in the toilet.

-Oh!

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-What do you want?

-I have trapped myself

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-in the tray.

-LAUGHTER

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There you go.

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To be fair, I'm not sure there really is a right way of dealing with that.

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Now onto the third stage, which is having the meals.

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Notice how Greg's thoughtful and gentlemanly conduct

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makes the complicated meal-choosing process a pleasure for the crew.

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So this is the right way.

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Here's your menu, sir. If there is absolutely anything else I can do to help you on top of this,

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you just let me know immediately and I will do whatever it takes... and wherever.

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I'll have the chicken, please. LAUGHTER

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That was the right way.

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APPLAUSE

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That is indeed the right way. Now this is the wrong way.

0:23:070:23:11

I've got two sandwiches. They're both ten quid each.

0:23:110:23:16

Awww...

0:23:160:23:18

Have you got any nuts?

0:23:180:23:20

LAUGHTER

0:23:200:23:22

And by the way... I'm still trapped in the tray.

0:23:220:23:26

Thank you very much!

0:23:270:23:29

Now it's that part of the show that I like to call Lookalikes.

0:23:340:23:38

I ask our performers to tell us who or what they've been told they look like.

0:23:380:23:44

I often get mistaken for David Coulthard or the sugar lump on the side of the Tate and Lyle packet.

0:23:440:23:50

Marek?

0:23:520:23:53

Em, a bald Sally Gunnell. LAUGHTER

0:23:530:23:57

-I can't see that at all.

-Thanks, Hugh.

-Laura?

0:24:040:24:09

Em, well, at the moment where I'm sat,

0:24:090:24:13

I could look like the sixth member of the UK's most unattractive girl band.

0:24:130:24:19

-And Justin?

-At my brother's wedding, my dad said I looked like two sacks of shit in a Boden suit.

0:24:210:24:28

That's unfair. Thank you very much.

0:24:290:24:32

Right, now we move on to a game called Sideways Scene with Justin and Marek and our special guest.

0:24:340:24:40

Please welcome Pippa Evans!

0:24:400:24:43

Now this takes place in a special area behind the set.

0:24:440:24:49

If you could head off and get ready.

0:24:490:24:52

You three are going to perform a scene in different genres suggested by me.

0:24:520:24:57

But you're going to be doing it lying down on our magic mat.

0:24:570:25:02

We'll relay the pictures to our audience on the screen. There they are.

0:25:020:25:07

Right.

0:25:070:25:09

The scenario is that Pippa...

0:25:090:25:12

LAUGHTER

0:25:120:25:14

Pippa and Justin, you are two Midwestern farmers

0:25:140:25:18

who are milking in the cowshed

0:25:180:25:21

when farmhand Marek... arrives to warn you

0:25:210:25:27

that a twister is on the way.

0:25:270:25:29

So if you're ready, off you go.

0:25:300:25:33

Where IS the cow?

0:25:330:25:35

The cow? I had to put it back in the shed. Want me to go get him?

0:25:350:25:40

-Yeah, pop over and get it.

-OK, I'll just pop over...

0:25:400:25:45

I'll just pop over...

0:25:450:25:48

I'll just go...

0:25:480:25:50

Ah, there he is. Come on.

0:25:500:25:52

-Come on, Daisy!

-In you come...

-Ungh!

-Oh!

0:25:520:25:56

Oh, gee willikers!

0:25:560:25:58

APPLAUSE

0:26:010:26:03

Oh...!

0:26:030:26:05

Oh!

0:26:060:26:07

Go see what's all the commotion.

0:26:090:26:12

Aaaah!

0:26:130:26:14

Aaaargh!

0:26:190:26:20

Come in!

0:26:230:26:24

Waaargh!

0:26:240:26:26

Wow!

0:26:260:26:28

-Come on, honey. Come on in.

-You're safe with us, boy!

0:26:300:26:34

-Things are flying everywhere!

-Freeze, please! Freeze!

0:26:340:26:39

Now I want you to swap to a vampire movie.

0:26:390:26:43

There's all kind of commotion out there. I don't know what's going on.

0:26:430:26:48

Oh, my!

0:26:480:26:50

APPLAUSE

0:26:510:26:53

Is it time to get up?

0:26:570:26:59

APPLAUSE

0:27:020:27:04

OK, and swap please now to Dancing On Ice.

0:27:040:27:08

Whoo!

0:27:120:27:13

I hope this stays my career.

0:27:130:27:16

And throw her about...!

0:27:170:27:20

Ready for the catch.

0:27:230:27:26

-Yeah! That's surely 10 point!

-Freeze, Marek!

0:27:260:27:30

-Freeze! Freeze! Change to an action movie explosion scene!

-Oh, my!

0:27:300:27:36

-Whatever you do, don't touch that chair!

-Don't touch the wha...?

0:27:360:27:41

Aaargh!

0:27:410:27:42

Aaargh!

0:27:440:27:45

APPLAUSE

0:27:470:27:49

OK, and freeze, please. And could you now...? Where have the other two gone?!

0:27:540:28:01

Could you swap now to Alien?

0:28:010:28:04

Something weird's going on here.

0:28:040:28:06

Aaiee! What the...?!

0:28:060:28:08

Justin? Justin!

0:28:080:28:11

I can feel...something... something in my stomach.

0:28:110:28:15

Waaaaah!

0:28:150:28:17

APPLAUSE

0:28:190:28:21

Thank you very much!

0:28:220:28:25

Thank you very much, everyone! And thank you to Pippa Evans!

0:28:270:28:32

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:330:28:36

That's all we have time for. Thanks to Justin Edwards, David Armand,

0:28:400:28:45

Humphrey Ker, Laura Solon, Marek Larwood and Greg Davies.

0:28:450:28:51

And good night from me, Hugh Dennis. See you the next time we play Fast and Loose.

0:28:510:28:57

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2011

0:29:050:29:09

Email [email protected]

0:29:100:29:12

Hugh Dennis presents another comic collection of improvised games, sketches and music with guests David Armand, Greg Davies, Justin Edwards, Humphrey Ker, Marek Larwood and Laura Solon.


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