Episode 7 Fast and Loose

Ladies and gentlemen, for the next ten seconds at least, you're watching Fast And Loose.

On the show tonight, the rightful King of the island of Mull - Justin Edwards.

She used to go out with Vince Cable - Pippa Evans.

He was Mr Taunton 1987 - Greg Davies.

He's working, so you don't have to - Humphrey Ker.

She's on day release from The Priory - Laura Solon.

And he can't go within 30 feet of Dannii Minogue - Marek Larwood.

And finally, would you please welcome your host, a man who sounds a lot like me - Hugh Dennis!

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello and welcome to Fast And Loose.

We'll improvise scenes, sketches and TV spoofs and pick our performers' brains on an array of topics,

so let's play Fast And Loose.

To kick things off, we're going to play a game called Speed Dating.

This is a game for everyone, so if you could all make your way, please, to the dating area...

Our performers have to imagine that they're all desperate and single,

as we ask them to act out terrible things to say at a speed dating event.

So, if you're ready, off we go.

Hi, I'm quite sweet-natured and I'm really quite outgoing,

by which I mean I've got diabetes and I'm homeless.

BUZZER

I can fit my mouth over most girls' heads.

BUZZER

I'm sure it'll all go swimmingly well, but if we do have children,

you'll have to raise them as I'm not allowed to spend time with them.

BUZZER

People that know tell me that, apparently, from the waist down,

I look exactly like Princess Anne.

BUZZER

# Myfanwy, she loved him, but he never called

# So she bust in his house and she cut off his balls... #

BUZZER

Hello. You don't have to be mad to have sex with me, but it helps. Ha-ha-ha!

BUZZER

I'm quite a sophisticated eater.

BURPS You see, there's sea bass on that.

BUZZER

I'm good with faces.

I'm really bad with directions.

BUZZER

My name is Katerina,

but people that know me call me "that racist hooker with the STDs".

BUZZER

There's room for one more.

BUZZER

I can neither confirm nor deny these child labour allegations.

I'll be taking no more questions.

BUZZER

Yes, don't be put off by the carrier bag. I always have that with me.

Better that than you see the naked horror of the prolapse.

BUZZER

I have only got one egg left, so don't fuck this up!

BUZZER

Thank you. Well done, one and all.

APPLAUSE

Now it's that time of the show called All About Me,

largely because it's all about me.

Team, this is your chance to say how you would describe me in one line. So, Justin...?

Brother of Les.

LAUGHTER

-Greg?

-Judging from your behaviour in my dressing room earlier,

-someone who doesn't understand the phrase "no means no"!

-Pippa?

Very, very depressing.

Marek?

Um...I'd say you were nice in the lounge,

but really nasty in the bedroom.

LAUGHTER

Well, that was all very illuminating and...

very hurtful, so thank you.

APPLAUSE

Right, our next game is called Weak Links and this is for Marek, Humphrey, Justin and Laura,

so get into your positions, please.

This is our version of the BBC's worldwide quiz show phenomenon.

I'll play the host and the rest of you will act as contestants, but you'll have a character to play.

So, Justin, you are a right-wing bigot.

I know. LAUGHTER

-Humphrey, you're a character from a British war movie.

-Thanks.

Laura, you are a clueless teenage girl.

And Marek, you are turning into a werewolf.

LAUGHTER

So let's get on with the game.

Let's meet our contestants. What are your names? What do you do?

-My name is Justin. I hold several strong opinions.

-And you?

My name is Humphrey and by God, I'll hold this position if it's the last thing I do!

-And who are you?

-My name is Laura. Some people call me Lauly or Laurs.

Growing up, people called me Rodders. That's nothing to do with my actual name. I don't know I even fit one.

-And you at the end?

-Oh! Oh, no! Uh...

I'm either doing a shit or growing a tail. Agh!

Ohh!

Ohh! It's coming out, Hugh!

-Something's coming out.

-Right...

-Ohh!

-Ohh!

-Let's play...

Let's play Weak Links.

Justin, what X is the fear of foreigners or strangers?

Huh! Well, X stands for Xmas, although we don't have Christmas any more since the Muslims banned it.

I suppose you'll be wanting some money off me as well. You're on benefits, aren't you?

-I'm after the answer "xenophobia".

-Yes, the fear of Zen, of Buddhists. I've no time for them either!

Humphrey, the film starring Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers was called Flying Down To where?

Damn it, Hugh! I don't have time for this bloody nonsense!

Too many good men have died and you're asking me questions about flying?

If the bloody RAF were here, we wouldn't be in this pickle!

-The answer is Rio.

-Damn it, I knew that!

Laura, what colour was the big taxi in the song by Joni Mitchell?

Oh, my God, I think I know this one. It's one of the colours, it's one of the colours. Oh, my God!

I don't really know and I've slightly forgotten who I am.

Yellow.

Marek...

Oh, no!

Justin, the 19th century novel by the Russian author Dostoyevsky is called Crime And what?

Well, Punishment. "Punishment" is too strong a word.

I'd send them all back. Hijacked a perfectly good word - "gay".

LAUGHTER

Humphrey, wholegrain, Dijon and English are varieties of which condiment?

-Why, Hugh?

-Because I'm asking.

-Why?

So many dead and for what?

Mustard questions?

Not in the England I dreamed of.

Mustard was the correct answer. Laura, what term for a young deer is also a light brown colour?

I don't know, but I do know that I'm quite scared and I'd really like to change places.

-Marek...

-I've just got this compulsion to do this to someone's leg!

That's the end of the round.

APPLAUSE

So, at the end of that round, you didn't bank anything,

although Marek did something which rhymed with it.

-Who have you voted off?

-Well, you didn't even give me a pen. Probably some health and safety nonsense.

The... APPLAUSE

But I don't care. I've decided. Humphrey, you are the weak link. Goodbye.

APPLAUSE

WHY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y!?

Well...

That's it from me. Good night.

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Great work from everyone.

Now, it's that part of the show I like to call Survey Of The Week.

This week, I'm asking our performers what new flavour of crisps they would love to see. Justin?

I think Walkers Crisps should generally have more of a taste of...of walkers,

so that they could just taste slightly of cagoules and Thermos flasks

and that awful stench of a wasted life.

Lovely.

Um...Marek?

I have often wondered whether Bryan Adams tastes as good as he sounds,

so I would like to try Bryan Adams flavoured crisps.

Final answer.

And Greg?

I'd like my crisps to be the flavour of a polar bear

because they're an intrinsically arrogant animal who seem to think they're untouchable.

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

OK, we now come to a game called Interpretative Dance and it's for Pippa and Humphrey.

It's time to meet our guest performer. Please welcome David Armand!

APPLAUSE

Now, the way that this game works is that we play in a popular song

and we ask David to illustrate the lyrics through the medium of dance.

Pippa and Humphrey will be wearing headphones and therefore unable to hear the music

and they'll have to guess the song and the artist purely from the mime.

Can you hear me...? No, they can't hear me.

If you're ready, David, off we go.

INTRO PLAYS

# You walked into the party

# Like you were walking onto a yacht

# Your hat strategically dipped below one eye

# Your scarf, it was apricot

# You had one eye in the mirror

# As you watched yourself gavotte

# And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner

# They'd be your partner and...

# You're so vain

# You probably think this song is about you

# You're so vain

# I'll bet you think this song is about you

# Don't you? Don't you?

# You had me several years ago

# When I was still quite naive

# Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair

# And that you would never leave

# But you gave away the things you loved

# And one of them was me

# I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee

# Clouds in my coffee and...

# You're so vain

# You probably think this song is about you

# You're so vain

# I'll bet you think this song is about you

# Don't you? Don't you? Don't you...? #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fantastic, so... Humphrey? Pippa?

-Any idea what song that was?

-I think I've got this one in the bag, Hugh.

-And it is?

-I believe it's the theme tune from Doctor Who.

-Is that the...?

-Yes, that's completely...wrong.

-Oh.

-Pippa, you don't know?

-I'm going to do this with more of a flourish.

-Sticks?

-Sewing?

-Sew...

-Sew arm.

-Sew wrist.

-No.

-Vein. You're So Vain!

APPLAUSE

-I love that song.

-Well done, you two. And thank you very much to David Armand!

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

You might be wondering why I'm putting this jacket on with the help of our delicious costume lady.

It's because we're about to play Early Television. This is a game for everyone.

In it, we'll travel back in time to the earliest days of this medium

as we re-imagine popular modern TV formats as they might have looked in simpler, black-and-white times.

I'll be the host and the other performers my guests.

We begin with our version of The Jerry Springer Show.

APPLAUSE

-POSH VOICE:

-Hello and welcome to the Gerald Springer Programme

where today, we'll be exploring this topic...

My Ghastly Husband Is Frightfully Out Of Control.

LAUGHTER

Well, first of all, I think we should talk to the wife, don't you?

Laura, you are the wife of this ghastly man, so please come and talk to us.

So, tell me,

what appalling behaviour has your husband been indulging in for you to say he's spiralling out of control?

It all started last year at Christmas.

Over lunch, he held his knife quite like a pencil.

Then after lunch, when we stood up to sing the national anthem,

well, he sang it, Gerald, but I could tell he didn't really mean it.

LAUGHTER

-Good Lord! That really is, isn't it?

-It's ghastly.

-My goodness, that's absolutely ghastly!

I was sick. A bit in my mouth, Gerald.

But mainly all over the turkey.

Yes, well, I share your pain. At the moment, I think that's appalling.

But we should probably talk to your husband, dare he come on to face us! Here he is.

Look, it's Justin.

-Oh!

-Well...

For a start, might I say it's absolutely appalling wearing a hat indoors.

Gentlemen should never wear hats indoors.

I'm afraid this is the sort of level to which I have sunk, Hugh.

What other appalling behaviour have you indulged in?

Apart from the awful business at Christmas, holding my knife like a pen,

later on, whilst we were having a roast swan at Michaelmas, I left one of my elbows slightly on the table.

-Actually fully on the table?

-Yes. I'm surprised I haven't ended up in prison, the way I'm carrying on.

And it's catching, Hugh, because recently, his mother has developed a northern accent.

LAUGHTER

Let's see if Marek, who is your son, has noticed any of this behaviour.

I must admit I'm rather dreading this one.

So, Marek, you've witnessed, have you, some of your father's spiralling out of control behaviour?

Yes, it's really awful.

We were playing a game of croquet on the lawn and I hit the ball through the greenhouse window.

I expected Father to beat me with a slipper, but he just gave me a firm telling-off.

How am I supposed to be disciplined when he does things like that?

I'm going to become most unruly if he doesn't bring his hand to me at least three times a week.

-Some people have started a rumour that he is homosexual.

-Which one?

LAUGHTER

Both...? Not together?

-That's a different show.

-You have a chauffeur, don't you, Humphrey?

-Yes, we do.

-He's going to tell us what his experience of this is.

Well, Mr Springer, sir, I don't want to speak out of turn none,

but the master don't like to drive around in the car no more and I says,

-"What will happen to the atmosphere if we're not pumping petrol fumes into it?"

-Why don't you sit down?

-I'm not allowed to sit down, sir.

-That's quite right. You're not.

So, Pippa, do you have some questions for the people here?

NORTHERN ACCENT: I would like to point out as Justin's mother

that Laura is to blame entirely,

for they've not had proper pudding in that house for at least five year,

not even a custard tart or a spotted dick.

-Is she your mother?

-We can't understand a single word she says.

I'm going to be sick again! >

Well, I think really there's not much else to be said.

Never mind, because that's all we have time for, so...

-Good night.

-APPLAUSE

We now come to that part of the show that will henceforth be known as Autobiography.

I'll ask each of you to tell me what title you would choose for your life story. Let's start with Greg.

My autobiography would be called...

"Oh, there he is, look! It's Gregory. He's massive, isn't he? Are you having a nice time at school?"

"No, I'm not at school any more, Uncle Dan. I'm 42!"

LAUGHTER

And Marek?

Mine would be called... That Pig Does Not Go In There.

It's ambiguous. People will think, "I'd like to read that and find out what happens.

"I wonder where he put that pig, you know?"

You have to stop talking now.

Justin?

I would call my autobiography My Way because that is the name of my alter ego

who is a 16-year-old girl from Taiwan.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much.

And now a game called 7-Up. This is for Justin, Laura, Marek and Greg, so if you could come up, please.

This round is inspired by the septennial documentary series,

rather than the fizzy citrus drink, although I'd be very happy to do their voiceover, should I be asked.

I'll be the interviewer asking questions of characters played by our performers

at seven-yearly intervals.

Justin, you're someone with a hormonal imbalance and so is the character we're asking you to play!

Laura, you're Goldilocks.

Marek and Greg, you are Bavarian twins.

We're going to start off when everyone is just seven years old. Justin, how's it going?

VERY HIGH VOICE: It's going very well, thank you, Hugh.

I'm something of a lonely child.

It's very much me at home with my clarinet.

Goldilocks, how is life for you aged seven?

I live down the road from this bears' house. You wouldn't believe it!

They're part of some ramblers' club or something.

The house is full of beds and porridge.

Every day, they go out on a bloody ramble. I'm in there filling my face with it. Brilliant!

Marek and Greg, how is life for seven-year-old twins?

BAVARIAN ACCENT: This is very embarrassing.

Because the mother, she will dress us exactly the same at all times.

-Ja, und "ve" bath together.

-Yes.

-"Ve" sleep together.

-Yes.

-Und "ve" also...

-Yes?

Through the magic of television, we can travel forward seven years

and meet our threesome at the age of 14.

Justin, has life changed for you in the past seven years?

HIGH VOICE: No, not really. It's been...

It's been a difficult seven years.

I have as many injections as I can, but so far, there has been no noticeable change.

And Goldilocks, how is life for you now?

Well, I've had a bit of a nightmare, Hugh.

Basically, I was breaking into the bears' house every day, eating the porridge, sleeping in the beds.

But then one day, the bears got wise to it.

Only gone and got myself a bloody ASBO!

So, Greg, Marek, how is life treating you, now you're 14?

The thing is, because I have grown so quickly,

for some reason, I have lost the ability to do accents.

Und...

And as a result, I have a terrible crisis of confidence.

And I don't even know what this accent actually is!

I genuinely don't know what this accent is.

I couldn't place it within England or in Europe.

-It's a sort of Scottish accent, ja?

-Sometimes there's a little bit of Scottish in it, ja.

OK, incredibly, seven short years have passed and we meet our three interviewees again, aged 21.

So, Justin, how are you now?

VERY DEEP VOICE: I'm a lot better than I was.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If anything, I've gone kind of... I've kind of gone too much the other way.

That's, um... That's rather frightening.

Goldilocks, how have you enjoyed your 21st birthday? You're now 21, of course.

Yeah, it went from bad to worse.

Basically, I done the ASBO, then I got into drugs.

Then I got pregnant by two of the bears.

And twins, how are you getting on, now you're 21?

Und...

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-The thing what happened is we swapped bodies

and my accent got even more Scottish.

And the good thing about it is now his accent is completely German, isn't it?

Ja!

Und now I have swapped Greg's body, I have precisely the accent with which I was born.

Thank you very much. That was quite literally extraordinary.

Well done, everyone. Thank you very much. You can go and sit down again.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is possibly one of the most disturbing images you'll ever see on British television.

Right, now we play a game called Sideways Scene. This is for Pippa, Marek and Justin

and takes place in our special area behind the set, so if you three would head off and get ready...

You three are going to perform a scene in various genres suggested by me,

but the difference is they're going to be doing it lying down on our magic mat.

Now, the scenario is that amorous housewife Pippa is having her shower repaired by hunky plumber Justin

and jealous husband Marek returns.

We're going to start as normal and I'm going to call out the genres as we go. So, off you go.

So you're just here to fix the plumbing, are you?

Yeah. Where's your shower?

-The shower's just over there. Perhaps you could just...

-I'll just pop over there right now.

-Sorry. It's not a very wide hallway.

-That's quite all right.

Don't slip on that water!

Whoa... Whoa!

Off you go. All right.

This is... This is quite high up, isn't it?

KNOCK AT DOOR Gosh, it's my husband! Careful, he's got a funny leg.

-Just a minute, darling!

-I forgot my keys, love. Sorry.

Oh, golly! APPLAUSE

Gosh, isn't this hard?

-Hello!

-Hello!

Come in and give me a big snog!

Oh, yes, of course. I've got a bad leg though, so I'll have to hop.

LAUGHTER

Don't run away from me!

Oh! Oh!

-But...

-You're hurting me.

-Hang on a minute!

-Who's that fellow in the background?

-I'm literally just here to fix this shower over here.

You never fix anything. That's the problem with this marriage. I want to punch you in the face!

We'll freeze now. We'll change the genre to "kung-fu".

That's lucky!

Oh! Ohh!

Your forceful punch spins me through the air!

APPLAUSE

I'll get you.

Aaaaagh!

Stop fighting, men!

Let me just...

I'm now doing handstands.

Marek, stop it! It's not good for your leg.

We'll change again. Now we're going to do Harry Potter.

Let's whizz him round. Iracus whizzicus!

-Come on. Who's for a game of Quidditch?

-Why not?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I'm not really sure of the rules.

-Nor am I.

Look at my levitation spell.

LAUGHTER

Quick, come here!

Oh! Ooh, you're naughty!

Wait till I get my broomstick.

-Oh, no. The spell is broken.

-OK, freeze.

-Oh, God!

-OK, don't move.

We're just going to get set...

LAUGHTER

Who the bloody hell is this?

I don't know how to move down.

It's ten pounds if you can see right down his crack.

OK, we're going to freeze again and now the genre is "musical".

-I'm flying out of here.

-# Don't leave me here...

# Don't leave me here

# I've come to fix your shower

# I'm in love with you now

# And I will do my special Irish dance... #

APPLAUSE

Well done. Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

OK, come on back in. Thank you very much.

That's all we have time for tonight. Thanks to Justin Edwards,

Laura Solon, Humphrey Ker,

Pippa Evans, Marek Larwood and Greg Davies.

And good night from me, Hugh Dennis.

See you next time we play Fast And Loose. Good night.

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2011

Email [email protected]