Episode 7 Fast and Loose


Episode 7

Hugh Dennis presents a comic collection of improvised games, sketches and music with guests Greg Davies, Justin Edwards, Pippa Evans, Humphrey Ker, Marek Larwood and Laura Solon.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, for the next ten seconds at least, you're watching Fast And Loose.

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On the show tonight, the rightful King of the island of Mull - Justin Edwards.

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She used to go out with Vince Cable - Pippa Evans.

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He was Mr Taunton 1987 - Greg Davies.

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He's working, so you don't have to - Humphrey Ker.

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She's on day release from The Priory - Laura Solon.

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And he can't go within 30 feet of Dannii Minogue - Marek Larwood.

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And finally, would you please welcome your host, a man who sounds a lot like me - Hugh Dennis!

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This programme contains some strong language.

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Hello and welcome to Fast And Loose.

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We'll improvise scenes, sketches and TV spoofs and pick our performers' brains on an array of topics,

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so let's play Fast And Loose.

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To kick things off, we're going to play a game called Speed Dating.

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This is a game for everyone, so if you could all make your way, please, to the dating area...

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Our performers have to imagine that they're all desperate and single,

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as we ask them to act out terrible things to say at a speed dating event.

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So, if you're ready, off we go.

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Hi, I'm quite sweet-natured and I'm really quite outgoing,

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by which I mean I've got diabetes and I'm homeless.

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BUZZER

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I can fit my mouth over most girls' heads.

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BUZZER

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I'm sure it'll all go swimmingly well, but if we do have children,

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you'll have to raise them as I'm not allowed to spend time with them.

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BUZZER

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People that know tell me that, apparently, from the waist down,

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I look exactly like Princess Anne.

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BUZZER

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# Myfanwy, she loved him, but he never called

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# So she bust in his house and she cut off his balls... #

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BUZZER

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Hello. You don't have to be mad to have sex with me, but it helps. Ha-ha-ha!

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BUZZER

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I'm quite a sophisticated eater.

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BURPS You see, there's sea bass on that.

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BUZZER

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I'm good with faces.

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I'm really bad with directions.

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BUZZER

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My name is Katerina,

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but people that know me call me "that racist hooker with the STDs".

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BUZZER

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There's room for one more.

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BUZZER

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I can neither confirm nor deny these child labour allegations.

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I'll be taking no more questions.

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BUZZER

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Yes, don't be put off by the carrier bag. I always have that with me.

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Better that than you see the naked horror of the prolapse.

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BUZZER

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I have only got one egg left, so don't fuck this up!

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BUZZER

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Thank you. Well done, one and all.

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APPLAUSE

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Now it's that time of the show called All About Me,

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largely because it's all about me.

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Team, this is your chance to say how you would describe me in one line. So, Justin...?

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Brother of Les.

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LAUGHTER

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-Greg?

-Judging from your behaviour in my dressing room earlier,

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-someone who doesn't understand the phrase "no means no"!

-Pippa?

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Very, very depressing.

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Marek?

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Um...I'd say you were nice in the lounge,

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but really nasty in the bedroom.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, that was all very illuminating and...

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very hurtful, so thank you.

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APPLAUSE

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Right, our next game is called Weak Links and this is for Marek, Humphrey, Justin and Laura,

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so get into your positions, please.

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This is our version of the BBC's worldwide quiz show phenomenon.

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I'll play the host and the rest of you will act as contestants, but you'll have a character to play.

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So, Justin, you are a right-wing bigot.

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I know. LAUGHTER

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-Humphrey, you're a character from a British war movie.

-Thanks.

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Laura, you are a clueless teenage girl.

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And Marek, you are turning into a werewolf.

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LAUGHTER

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So let's get on with the game.

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Let's meet our contestants. What are your names? What do you do?

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-My name is Justin. I hold several strong opinions.

-And you?

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My name is Humphrey and by God, I'll hold this position if it's the last thing I do!

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-And who are you?

-My name is Laura. Some people call me Lauly or Laurs.

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Growing up, people called me Rodders. That's nothing to do with my actual name. I don't know I even fit one.

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-And you at the end?

-Oh! Oh, no! Uh...

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I'm either doing a shit or growing a tail. Agh!

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Ohh!

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Ohh! It's coming out, Hugh!

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-Something's coming out.

-Right...

-Ohh!

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-Ohh!

-Let's play...

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Let's play Weak Links.

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Justin, what X is the fear of foreigners or strangers?

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Huh! Well, X stands for Xmas, although we don't have Christmas any more since the Muslims banned it.

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I suppose you'll be wanting some money off me as well. You're on benefits, aren't you?

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-I'm after the answer "xenophobia".

-Yes, the fear of Zen, of Buddhists. I've no time for them either!

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Humphrey, the film starring Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers was called Flying Down To where?

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Damn it, Hugh! I don't have time for this bloody nonsense!

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Too many good men have died and you're asking me questions about flying?

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If the bloody RAF were here, we wouldn't be in this pickle!

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-The answer is Rio.

-Damn it, I knew that!

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Laura, what colour was the big taxi in the song by Joni Mitchell?

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Oh, my God, I think I know this one. It's one of the colours, it's one of the colours. Oh, my God!

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I don't really know and I've slightly forgotten who I am.

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Yellow.

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Marek...

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Oh, no!

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Justin, the 19th century novel by the Russian author Dostoyevsky is called Crime And what?

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Well, Punishment. "Punishment" is too strong a word.

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I'd send them all back. Hijacked a perfectly good word - "gay".

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LAUGHTER

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Humphrey, wholegrain, Dijon and English are varieties of which condiment?

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-Why, Hugh?

-Because I'm asking.

-Why?

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So many dead and for what?

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Mustard questions?

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Not in the England I dreamed of.

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Mustard was the correct answer. Laura, what term for a young deer is also a light brown colour?

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I don't know, but I do know that I'm quite scared and I'd really like to change places.

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-Marek...

-I've just got this compulsion to do this to someone's leg!

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That's the end of the round.

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APPLAUSE

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So, at the end of that round, you didn't bank anything,

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although Marek did something which rhymed with it.

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-Who have you voted off?

-Well, you didn't even give me a pen. Probably some health and safety nonsense.

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The... APPLAUSE

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But I don't care. I've decided. Humphrey, you are the weak link. Goodbye.

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APPLAUSE

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WHY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y!?

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Well...

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That's it from me. Good night.

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you. Great work from everyone.

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Now, it's that part of the show I like to call Survey Of The Week.

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This week, I'm asking our performers what new flavour of crisps they would love to see. Justin?

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I think Walkers Crisps should generally have more of a taste of...of walkers,

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so that they could just taste slightly of cagoules and Thermos flasks

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and that awful stench of a wasted life.

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Lovely.

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Um...Marek?

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I have often wondered whether Bryan Adams tastes as good as he sounds,

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so I would like to try Bryan Adams flavoured crisps.

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Final answer.

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And Greg?

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I'd like my crisps to be the flavour of a polar bear

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because they're an intrinsically arrogant animal who seem to think they're untouchable.

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-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

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OK, we now come to a game called Interpretative Dance and it's for Pippa and Humphrey.

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It's time to meet our guest performer. Please welcome David Armand!

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APPLAUSE

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Now, the way that this game works is that we play in a popular song

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and we ask David to illustrate the lyrics through the medium of dance.

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Pippa and Humphrey will be wearing headphones and therefore unable to hear the music

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and they'll have to guess the song and the artist purely from the mime.

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Can you hear me...? No, they can't hear me.

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If you're ready, David, off we go.

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INTRO PLAYS

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# You walked into the party

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# Like you were walking onto a yacht

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# Your hat strategically dipped below one eye

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# Your scarf, it was apricot

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# You had one eye in the mirror

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# As you watched yourself gavotte

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# And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner

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# They'd be your partner and...

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# You're so vain

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# You probably think this song is about you

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# You're so vain

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# I'll bet you think this song is about you

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# Don't you? Don't you?

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# You had me several years ago

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# When I was still quite naive

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# Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair

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# And that you would never leave

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# But you gave away the things you loved

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# And one of them was me

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# I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee

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# Clouds in my coffee and...

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# You're so vain

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# You probably think this song is about you

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# You're so vain

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# I'll bet you think this song is about you

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# Don't you? Don't you? Don't you...? #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Fantastic, so... Humphrey? Pippa?

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-Any idea what song that was?

-I think I've got this one in the bag, Hugh.

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-And it is?

-I believe it's the theme tune from Doctor Who.

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-Is that the...?

-Yes, that's completely...wrong.

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-Oh.

-Pippa, you don't know?

-I'm going to do this with more of a flourish.

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-Sticks?

-Sewing?

-Sew...

-Sew arm.

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-Sew wrist.

-No.

-Vein. You're So Vain!

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APPLAUSE

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-I love that song.

-Well done, you two. And thank you very much to David Armand!

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-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

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You might be wondering why I'm putting this jacket on with the help of our delicious costume lady.

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It's because we're about to play Early Television. This is a game for everyone.

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In it, we'll travel back in time to the earliest days of this medium

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as we re-imagine popular modern TV formats as they might have looked in simpler, black-and-white times.

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I'll be the host and the other performers my guests.

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We begin with our version of The Jerry Springer Show.

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APPLAUSE

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-POSH VOICE:

-Hello and welcome to the Gerald Springer Programme

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where today, we'll be exploring this topic...

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My Ghastly Husband Is Frightfully Out Of Control.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, first of all, I think we should talk to the wife, don't you?

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Laura, you are the wife of this ghastly man, so please come and talk to us.

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So, tell me,

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what appalling behaviour has your husband been indulging in for you to say he's spiralling out of control?

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It all started last year at Christmas.

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Over lunch, he held his knife quite like a pencil.

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Then after lunch, when we stood up to sing the national anthem,

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well, he sang it, Gerald, but I could tell he didn't really mean it.

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LAUGHTER

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-Good Lord! That really is, isn't it?

-It's ghastly.

-My goodness, that's absolutely ghastly!

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I was sick. A bit in my mouth, Gerald.

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But mainly all over the turkey.

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Yes, well, I share your pain. At the moment, I think that's appalling.

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But we should probably talk to your husband, dare he come on to face us! Here he is.

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Look, it's Justin.

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-Oh!

-Well...

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For a start, might I say it's absolutely appalling wearing a hat indoors.

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Gentlemen should never wear hats indoors.

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I'm afraid this is the sort of level to which I have sunk, Hugh.

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What other appalling behaviour have you indulged in?

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Apart from the awful business at Christmas, holding my knife like a pen,

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later on, whilst we were having a roast swan at Michaelmas, I left one of my elbows slightly on the table.

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-Actually fully on the table?

-Yes. I'm surprised I haven't ended up in prison, the way I'm carrying on.

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And it's catching, Hugh, because recently, his mother has developed a northern accent.

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LAUGHTER

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Let's see if Marek, who is your son, has noticed any of this behaviour.

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I must admit I'm rather dreading this one.

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So, Marek, you've witnessed, have you, some of your father's spiralling out of control behaviour?

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Yes, it's really awful.

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We were playing a game of croquet on the lawn and I hit the ball through the greenhouse window.

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I expected Father to beat me with a slipper, but he just gave me a firm telling-off.

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How am I supposed to be disciplined when he does things like that?

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I'm going to become most unruly if he doesn't bring his hand to me at least three times a week.

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-Some people have started a rumour that he is homosexual.

-Which one?

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LAUGHTER

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Both...? Not together?

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-That's a different show.

-You have a chauffeur, don't you, Humphrey?

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-Yes, we do.

-He's going to tell us what his experience of this is.

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Well, Mr Springer, sir, I don't want to speak out of turn none,

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but the master don't like to drive around in the car no more and I says,

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-"What will happen to the atmosphere if we're not pumping petrol fumes into it?"

-Why don't you sit down?

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-I'm not allowed to sit down, sir.

-That's quite right. You're not.

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So, Pippa, do you have some questions for the people here?

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NORTHERN ACCENT: I would like to point out as Justin's mother

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that Laura is to blame entirely,

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for they've not had proper pudding in that house for at least five year,

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not even a custard tart or a spotted dick.

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-Is she your mother?

-We can't understand a single word she says.

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I'm going to be sick again! >

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Well, I think really there's not much else to be said.

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Never mind, because that's all we have time for, so...

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-Good night.

-APPLAUSE

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We now come to that part of the show that will henceforth be known as Autobiography.

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I'll ask each of you to tell me what title you would choose for your life story. Let's start with Greg.

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My autobiography would be called...

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"Oh, there he is, look! It's Gregory. He's massive, isn't he? Are you having a nice time at school?"

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"No, I'm not at school any more, Uncle Dan. I'm 42!"

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LAUGHTER

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And Marek?

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Mine would be called... That Pig Does Not Go In There.

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It's ambiguous. People will think, "I'd like to read that and find out what happens.

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"I wonder where he put that pig, you know?"

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You have to stop talking now.

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Justin?

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I would call my autobiography My Way because that is the name of my alter ego

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who is a 16-year-old girl from Taiwan.

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LAUGHTER

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Thank you very much.

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And now a game called 7-Up. This is for Justin, Laura, Marek and Greg, so if you could come up, please.

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This round is inspired by the septennial documentary series,

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rather than the fizzy citrus drink, although I'd be very happy to do their voiceover, should I be asked.

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I'll be the interviewer asking questions of characters played by our performers

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at seven-yearly intervals.

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Justin, you're someone with a hormonal imbalance and so is the character we're asking you to play!

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Laura, you're Goldilocks.

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Marek and Greg, you are Bavarian twins.

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We're going to start off when everyone is just seven years old. Justin, how's it going?

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VERY HIGH VOICE: It's going very well, thank you, Hugh.

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I'm something of a lonely child.

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It's very much me at home with my clarinet.

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Goldilocks, how is life for you aged seven?

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I live down the road from this bears' house. You wouldn't believe it!

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They're part of some ramblers' club or something.

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The house is full of beds and porridge.

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Every day, they go out on a bloody ramble. I'm in there filling my face with it. Brilliant!

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Marek and Greg, how is life for seven-year-old twins?

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BAVARIAN ACCENT: This is very embarrassing.

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Because the mother, she will dress us exactly the same at all times.

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-Ja, und "ve" bath together.

-Yes.

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-"Ve" sleep together.

-Yes.

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-Und "ve" also...

-Yes?

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Through the magic of television, we can travel forward seven years

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and meet our threesome at the age of 14.

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Justin, has life changed for you in the past seven years?

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HIGH VOICE: No, not really. It's been...

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It's been a difficult seven years.

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I have as many injections as I can, but so far, there has been no noticeable change.

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And Goldilocks, how is life for you now?

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Well, I've had a bit of a nightmare, Hugh.

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Basically, I was breaking into the bears' house every day, eating the porridge, sleeping in the beds.

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But then one day, the bears got wise to it.

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Only gone and got myself a bloody ASBO!

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So, Greg, Marek, how is life treating you, now you're 14?

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The thing is, because I have grown so quickly,

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for some reason, I have lost the ability to do accents.

0:21:590:22:03

Und...

0:22:030:22:05

And as a result, I have a terrible crisis of confidence.

0:22:050:22:09

And I don't even know what this accent actually is!

0:22:090:22:13

I genuinely don't know what this accent is.

0:22:130:22:16

I couldn't place it within England or in Europe.

0:22:160:22:19

-It's a sort of Scottish accent, ja?

-Sometimes there's a little bit of Scottish in it, ja.

0:22:190:22:25

OK, incredibly, seven short years have passed and we meet our three interviewees again, aged 21.

0:22:250:22:33

So, Justin, how are you now?

0:22:330:22:36

VERY DEEP VOICE: I'm a lot better than I was.

0:22:370:22:40

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:400:22:42

If anything, I've gone kind of... I've kind of gone too much the other way.

0:22:450:22:50

That's, um... That's rather frightening.

0:22:520:22:55

Goldilocks, how have you enjoyed your 21st birthday? You're now 21, of course.

0:22:550:23:01

Yeah, it went from bad to worse.

0:23:010:23:04

Basically, I done the ASBO, then I got into drugs.

0:23:040:23:08

Then I got pregnant by two of the bears.

0:23:080:23:11

And twins, how are you getting on, now you're 21?

0:23:130:23:17

Und...

0:23:170:23:19

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-The thing what happened is we swapped bodies

0:23:190:23:23

and my accent got even more Scottish.

0:23:230:23:26

And the good thing about it is now his accent is completely German, isn't it?

0:23:300:23:36

Ja!

0:23:360:23:38

Und now I have swapped Greg's body, I have precisely the accent with which I was born.

0:23:380:23:44

Thank you very much. That was quite literally extraordinary.

0:23:450:23:50

Well done, everyone. Thank you very much. You can go and sit down again.

0:23:500:23:54

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:540:23:56

This is possibly one of the most disturbing images you'll ever see on British television.

0:24:030:24:09

Right, now we play a game called Sideways Scene. This is for Pippa, Marek and Justin

0:24:130:24:19

and takes place in our special area behind the set, so if you three would head off and get ready...

0:24:190:24:25

You three are going to perform a scene in various genres suggested by me,

0:24:250:24:30

but the difference is they're going to be doing it lying down on our magic mat.

0:24:300:24:35

Now, the scenario is that amorous housewife Pippa is having her shower repaired by hunky plumber Justin

0:24:360:24:43

and jealous husband Marek returns.

0:24:430:24:47

We're going to start as normal and I'm going to call out the genres as we go. So, off you go.

0:24:490:24:55

So you're just here to fix the plumbing, are you?

0:24:550:24:59

Yeah. Where's your shower?

0:24:590:25:02

-The shower's just over there. Perhaps you could just...

-I'll just pop over there right now.

0:25:020:25:08

-Sorry. It's not a very wide hallway.

-That's quite all right.

0:25:080:25:11

Don't slip on that water!

0:25:110:25:14

Whoa... Whoa!

0:25:150:25:17

Off you go. All right.

0:25:170:25:19

This is... This is quite high up, isn't it?

0:25:210:25:24

KNOCK AT DOOR Gosh, it's my husband! Careful, he's got a funny leg.

0:25:240:25:29

-Just a minute, darling!

-I forgot my keys, love. Sorry.

0:25:290:25:33

Oh, golly! APPLAUSE

0:25:350:25:38

Gosh, isn't this hard?

0:25:400:25:42

-Hello!

-Hello!

0:25:420:25:44

Come in and give me a big snog!

0:25:440:25:47

Oh, yes, of course. I've got a bad leg though, so I'll have to hop.

0:25:470:25:51

LAUGHTER

0:25:510:25:54

Don't run away from me!

0:25:570:25:59

Oh! Oh!

0:26:050:26:07

-But...

-You're hurting me.

-Hang on a minute!

0:26:070:26:10

-Who's that fellow in the background?

-I'm literally just here to fix this shower over here.

0:26:100:26:16

You never fix anything. That's the problem with this marriage. I want to punch you in the face!

0:26:160:26:22

We'll freeze now. We'll change the genre to "kung-fu".

0:26:220:26:25

That's lucky!

0:26:250:26:28

Oh! Ohh!

0:26:290:26:31

Your forceful punch spins me through the air!

0:26:310:26:35

APPLAUSE

0:26:350:26:37

I'll get you.

0:26:390:26:42

Aaaaagh!

0:26:430:26:45

Stop fighting, men!

0:26:500:26:52

Let me just...

0:26:520:26:54

I'm now doing handstands.

0:26:540:26:56

Marek, stop it! It's not good for your leg.

0:27:000:27:04

We'll change again. Now we're going to do Harry Potter.

0:27:040:27:08

Let's whizz him round. Iracus whizzicus!

0:27:080:27:11

-Come on. Who's for a game of Quidditch?

-Why not?

0:27:130:27:18

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:180:27:20

-I'm not really sure of the rules.

-Nor am I.

0:27:210:27:25

Look at my levitation spell.

0:27:250:27:27

LAUGHTER

0:27:280:27:30

Quick, come here!

0:27:310:27:33

Oh! Ooh, you're naughty!

0:27:330:27:36

Wait till I get my broomstick.

0:27:360:27:38

-Oh, no. The spell is broken.

-OK, freeze.

0:27:380:27:42

-Oh, God!

-OK, don't move.

0:27:420:27:45

We're just going to get set...

0:27:450:27:47

LAUGHTER

0:27:470:27:49

Who the bloody hell is this?

0:27:500:27:53

I don't know how to move down.

0:27:530:27:55

It's ten pounds if you can see right down his crack.

0:27:550:27:59

OK, we're going to freeze again and now the genre is "musical".

0:28:010:28:05

-I'm flying out of here.

-# Don't leave me here...

0:28:050:28:09

# Don't leave me here

0:28:090:28:12

# I've come to fix your shower

0:28:120:28:15

# I'm in love with you now

0:28:160:28:18

# And I will do my special Irish dance... #

0:28:180:28:22

APPLAUSE

0:28:240:28:26

Well done. Thank you very much.

0:28:260:28:29

APPLAUSE

0:28:290:28:32

OK, come on back in. Thank you very much.

0:28:330:28:37

That's all we have time for tonight. Thanks to Justin Edwards,

0:28:420:28:47

Laura Solon, Humphrey Ker,

0:28:470:28:49

Pippa Evans, Marek Larwood and Greg Davies.

0:28:490:28:53

And good night from me, Hugh Dennis.

0:28:530:28:55

See you next time we play Fast And Loose. Good night.

0:28:550:28:59

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2011

0:29:110:29:15

Email [email protected]

0:29:150:29:18

Hugh Dennis presents another comic collection of improvised games, sketches and music with guests Greg Davies, Justin Edwards, Pippa Evans, Humphrey Ker, Marek Larwood and Laura Solon.


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