Episode 6 Fast and Loose

This programme contains some strong language

On the show tonight, he won the Perrier at the pre-show bottle raffle, Justin Edwards.

Can't bowl, can't bat, can't field, it's Pippa Evans.

He's not called Tom Parry for nothing. It's Tom Parry!

He's got great first touch for a big man, Humphrey Ker!

She's had more salads than you've had hot dinners, Ruth Bratt.

He's had a top 40 hit in the Faroe Islands - twice!

David Reed!

And finally, please welcome your host,

a man who sounds a lot like me, Hugh Dennis!

CHEERING

Hello and welcome to the show.

Tonight, we'll be improvising scenes, sketches and TV spoofs

and picking our performers' brains on an array of topics.

Let's play Fast And Loose!

To kick things off, let's play a game called Audition Tapes.

This is for all of our performers, so come on down.

We want you to show us the most disastrous audition clip

you could send out in order to get on television.

If you're ready in the performance zone, off we go!

Welcome to topless darts.

My name's Keith. Let's get started...!

I'm Humphrey Ker.

I'm auditioning for the part of Philip Mitchell.

(POSH ACCENT) Do what, you slag?

Come round my pub, I'll do you one real good!

They say an interesting performer can make even reading

the phone book interesting. Oh, well, here goes...

Um, can you see my nipples?

How about now?

Good morning, children.

Or is it? Is it a good morning? No.

Will it ever be a good morning again? No!

And you know why?

Because men are essentially disappointing!

LAUGHTER

Hello! It's me, Cockney Karen.

# What you gonna do down tuppence penny way? #

My idea for a new show, it's a bit Loose Women,

Cash In The Attic, a bit like Hairy Bikers.

I call it Hairy Women In My Attic!

I shall be auditioning for the part of the elephant.

I didn't press the buzzer!

APPLAUSE

Who lost the dummy?

"I lost the dummy!"

Who doesn't know when to stop gambling?

"I don't."

I am an every day employee of Morrisons!

I am Maximus Decimus Meridius...

Oh, sorry, you wanted an actual man? Oh, no.

I'll be reading for the part of Cheeky Hitler.

You guys! Don't tell me you're having a bunker party without Cheeky Hitler!

Had an accident at work?

So have I, and that's why I wear adult nappies!

Thank you very much. Well done, everyone.

Now we come to the part of the show that I like to call

Tell Me Something I Don't Know, where I ask our performers to wrack their brains

and tell me something I don't know!

-Justin...

-My pin number is 4-7-3... No!

Pippa...

I once drowned a man but...

That was real, wasn't it?

David...

Something you don't know?

The drink will never stop the pain, Hugh.

Strangely enough, I do know that.

Humphrey.

Here's something you don't know, Hugh.

You don't know how it makes me feel when you ignore me

when your wife is around.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Next up is the buffet of buffoonery we call Come Dining.

This is for David, Pippa, Tom, Justin and Humphrey.

If you'll sit down or get ready to sit down by the table.

Justin and Pippa, you're going to begin acting out a meal time

scene in a film genre, but when each of your guests arrive you must

switch to performing in a different style.

As each guest leaves,

the other performers have to revert back to the previous genre.

I hope you understood that.

If you didn't, it's not going to work as a game.

So, Justin and Pippa, if you can begin by doing a period drama,

David you'll come in as gladiator.

Humphrey, you're a Harry Potter film, and Tom, you're Bollywood.

LAUGHTER

So, if you're ready, off we go!

Why, Mr Harrison, a whole leg of mutton.

We are honoured!

Well, I say mutton - I cut it off one of the staff earlier.

It's more leg of maid, but it tastes very similar.

You're so good to me. Perhaps we could marry. Oh, no!

Hello, my name is Maximus Decimus Meridius.

Commander of the armies in the North.

There are no women in this film!

-May I eat with you?

-Eat my leg of maid.

And then we'll wrestle naked as that's the way I like it.

(AS HAGRID) Harry! Ron! Hermione!

Thank God you're all here. My outhouse has been overrun

with Crumplesnax or some similarly peculiarly-named animal.

-Oh, no!

-Jai Ho!

Hey, everyone!

I've brought a cake from the wedding.

Let's dance!

Before this gets any more offensive, I shall leave!

Bye, everyone, Jai Ho!

I'm not going to let Harry go anywhere without me because I love him.

I've never liked you, you stuck-up bitch!

Does that mean I'm the ginger one?

I'll not stand a ginger one amongst my midst.

We must battle outside.

Naked!

I'm quite strict... It's a rule.

Fine!

Oh, what fun we had! What wonderful guests.

Marvellous business.

A delicious dinner.

My face is a mask of emotions.

Emulsions?

I've never come.

Thank you very much!

Now it's that part of the show that I call Sexy Voice,

where I ask the panel to say the least alluring thing they can in a sexy voice.

Anyone?

I've just had a dirty burger.

With loads of chilli sauce and garlic sauce

and loads of raw onions. Huh!

Is it just me or was that actually quite alluring?!

-Anyone else?

-You've dripped bin juice all down the stairs.

Next we're going to play a game called Interpretive Dance.

Taking part in this are Pippa and Ruth.

So, let's meet our special guest performer,

please welcome David Armand.

APPLAUSE

The way this game works is we play in a popular song

and we ask David to illustrate the lyrics through the medium of dance.

Pippa and Ruth will be wearing headphones,

and therefore unable to hear the music.

So, they will have to guess the song and the artist purely from the mime.

So, can you hear me?

-No, they can't hear me. If you're ready, David.

-Yes.

-Off we go.

# Tonight I'm going to have myself a real good time

# I feel alive-i-i-ive

# And the world

# Turning inside out, yeah

# I'm floating around in ecstasy

# So don't stop me now

# Don't stop me cos I'm having a good time

# Having a good time

# I'm a superstar leaping through the sky like a tiger

# Defying laws of gravity

# I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva

# I'm gonna go, go, go there's no stopping me!

# Burning through the sky, yeah

# 200 degrees that's why they call me Mr Fahrenheit

# I'm travelling at the speed of light

# I wanna make a supersonic man out of you

# Don't stop me now

# I'm having such a good time

# I'm having a ball Don't stop me now

# If you want to have a good time just give me a call

# Don't stop me now cos I'm having a good time

# Don't stop me now

Yes, I'm having a good time I don't want to stop at all

# I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars

# On a collision course

# I'm a satellite I'm out of control

# I'm a sex machine ready to reload

# Like an atom bomb about to Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, explode!

# I'm burning through the sky, yeah! 200 degrees

# That's why they call me Mr Fahrenheit

# I'm travelling at the speed of light

# I wanna make a supersonic woman of you

# Don't stop me, don't stop me Don't stop me - hey, hey, hey!

# Don't stop me, don't stop me Ooh, ooh, ooh

# Don't stop me, don't stop me

# Have a good time, good time Don't stop me, don't stop me... #

APPLAUSE

So...

So, Pippa, Ruth. What d'you reckon?

Was it Don't Stop Me Now?

APPLAUSE

Well done. Brilliant.

A real good time!

I couldn't remember what it was by the end! Wow!

That was brilliant, thank you very much, David Armand.

Now we come to the part of the show I call Granny Used To Say,

where I ask our performers to celebrate the wisdom of the older generation

by telling us the wonderful things their granny used to say.

So, Ruth.

My granny always said, "We didn't call it sex in those days,

"but I imagine that's what it was."

Tom.

"Why are you wearing my clothes?"

Pippa.

My grandma once said to me, "Barbie and Ken aren't

"allowed in the caravan together until they're married!"

And Justin.

My grandmother used to say, "Turn on the oxygen, you little sod."

Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

This game is called Forward Rewind.

It's for David, Humphrey, Pippa and Tom.

Bring yourselves down, please.

You four will perform a scene, but when I press my rewind...

'Rewind!'

..Or forward button...

'Forward.'

Clever, isn't it?

You have to repeat the action you've just done in the opposite direction.

All will become clear.

So, Humphrey is a doctor examining David

when Tom enters carrying his amorous wife, Pippa, who's choking.

So, off you go!

From looking at your tests,

I suspect you've only got 10 minutes to live. Touch your nose.

Touch your toes.

Touch your nose. Touch your toes.

-Touch your nose!

-'Rewind!'

Touch your nose.

Touch your toes. Touch your nose. Touch your toes.

-'Forward!'

-Touch your toes. Touch your nose. Touch your toes. Touch your nose.

OK, that seems to be OK.

It might be something to do with your pulse. I'm really sorry about this. Cough!

Oh, my God. That's horrible.

Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me.

She's choking.

-Do the Heimlich manoeuvre.

-Please, save her!

'Rewind!'

Oh, God. Please save her!

She's choking.

Doctor, doctor you've got to help me.

I'm sorry about this. Cough!

It might be something to do with your pulse.

'Forward!'

It might be something to do with your pulse. Cough!

Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me. She's choking.

Oh, my God. You, do the Heimlich Manoeuvre.

Please, help me.

Quickly, do ten press-ups! Do ten press-ups!

-Wait!

-'Rewind!'

Do ten fucking press-ups!

-Do ten press-ups!

-You've got to help her!

Doctor, she's choking! And my back's done in!

-'Forward!'

-Argh!

-She's choking. Help her!

-You, do the Heimlich Manoeuvre.

-Help her.

-Do ten press-ups.

-Do ten press-ups!

-She's safe! I love you.

-Mwah!

-'Rewind.'

-Mwah!

-'Forward.'

'Rewind.'

'Forward.'

'Rewind.'

-Oh, she's saved!

-'Forward.'

She's saved. Piss off! I'm going to save this man's life. You, get out of my office!

I love you!

Rewind all the way to the beginning.

I love you!

You two, piss off out of my office, I need to save this man's life!

She's saved! She's saved.

-Do ten press-ups!

-Why?

-Because I said do ten press-ups!

Please help her!

You, do the Heimlich manoeuvre!

She's choking! Oh, doctor, doctor, please help me!

Here comes the good stuff. Hah!

I am really sorry about this,

but you're going to have to cough in a second.

Touch your nose!

Touch your toes!

Touch your nose!

Touch your toes!

Touch your nose! Right, I have done your tests,

it could be something to do with your circulation.

The end!

Thank you. Well, I don't know about you,

but I think it's probably time for a party.

So I am going to lay down some bangin' tracks

and our performers can bust a groove until the music stops

and then I'm going to ask them to say a chat-up line doomed to fail.

So, let's cue the music, please.

MUSIC PLAYS

Hey, baby, was your father an angel?

Because I want to have sex with you.

Put your coat on, love, because your dress is shit.

I've decided to settle, you will do.

You know they say a lobster mates for life?

Well, I've got crabs.

You look like Sophie Dahl, before she lost the weight.

Did you fall from heaven?

Because you look like you've landed in some shit.

Thank you very much! Well done.

Right, time now for an educational game

that we call Right Way, Wrong Way.

This involves Ruth, Humphrey, Pippa and Tom.

So if you could make your way over here, please.

The performers will be showing us the best

and worst ways to behave on a first date.

Now, Pippa and Humphrey will demonstrate the right way

and Tom and Ruth, the sure fire wrong way.

So let's begin with meeting your date.

This, of course, is all about attracting their attention

and making a great first impression.

So, Pippa and Humphrey, can you show us the right way, please?

-Hi.

-Hello.

You must be Pippa.

And you must be Humphrey!

Oh, my God, there is such a connection there!

-Already!

-Tell me about it!

Have you done your CRB check?

Done it?

I aced it!

So that's the right way to do it.

Now, Tom and Ruth, can you show us how not to do it?

Er, you're Ruth, right?

-Yes. You must be Tom.

-Right. Yeah.

Because it said on your Facebook you were overweight.

-I thought it was you. I thought it was you.

-Yup.

-Yeah.

Right. So, the next stage...

LAUGHTER

The next stage obviously is ordering the meal.

So please note how Humphrey displays just the right

amount of generosity and sophistication.

So, Humphrey and Pippa, off you go.

Thanks for giving me the menu without the prices on!

Listen, I don't want you to worry about that at all

because I am both wealthy and philanthropic.

So that's excellent.

And now, Tom and Ruth, can you show us the exact opposite?

I'll do the ordering for us.

I'll have a Big Mac meal, please, and she'll have a Diet Coke.

So that's the wrong way.

Fairly clearly the wrong way.

The next stage of course is the end of the date

which is a potentially crucial moment.

So, note how Humphrey continues to be the perfect gentleman.

Well, I've had a great time tonight

and I can tell from your pheromones that you have too.

So, what do you say we take this back to one of my houses?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And now, Tom and Ruth,

let's see how you set the seal on an already disastrous evening.

It's not going to suck itself!

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Fantastic! Thank you very much, everyone.

Now, if I weren't here tonight I would probably be having a pint

down at my favourite London pub, my local. Great pub,

it's got a terrible name though.

So, performers, what do you think would be a really bad name for a pub? David.

The Baby's Arms.

-Tom.

-The Horse And Prince Charles.

Thank you very much.

Now we play a game called Sideways Scene.

This is for Pippa, Tom and Justin

and takes place in the special area behind the set.

So, if the three of you would like to go there and get ready.

You three are going to perform a scene in different genres suggested by me.

But the difference is that you'll be doing it

lying down on our magic mat and we're going to relay the pictures

to the audience on the screen.

Now, the scenario is that Justin is a buff,

flirty personal trainer taking Pippa through her paces

when her fitness fanatic husband Tom arrives home unexpectedly.

So, off you go.

So I just touch my toes.

That's it. Just touch your toes. What we need to do is,

the best thing is a little bit of,

I just want you to just literally run back there, run back, about 10 times.

That's it, off you go.

Come back, that's it, come back! That's excellent work.

-Oh, I am sorry!

-Oh dear!

I have got to be honest, Timothy, I've always found you very attractive.

-Who is it?

-Hello, darling...!

-Who are you?

-Well, who are you?

Let me come in and explain!

-You must come over here.

-Oh, crikey!

-He'll beat you!

Get over there! Yeah, you are right to run away!

Stop it! I won't have this kind of behaviour.

Stay there, weakling! Look at me!

OK, freeze, please.

And change genre to Most Haunted.

That's right, look at me! Because I am about to unleash a poltergeist!

And now change genre to James Bond.

I can't help it, James.

I find him too attractive.

And I have my enormous gun.

-Boom!

-Jump!

Just in time.

-My hero!

-Come here, babe.

Let's make love!

OK, freeze again, please.

And, well you're in the position already, change to Dirty Dancing.

Johnny! Woah!

# I've had the time of my life!

# I've never felt this way before. #

APPLAUSE

OK, thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

Right, our next game is for Justin, Humphrey, Pippa, Ruth and David.

So, if you come on down, please.

This is called Now It's A Musical.

And as the title suggests, we take a popular TV show,

and perform it as though it were a stage musical.

This week, we'd like you to present I Am A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here

as though it were Les Miserables.

So, Justin and Humphrey, you are Ant and Dec.

Of course.

It's a Bushtucker Trial scenario by the way.

Ruth and Pippa and David, you'll be the three celebrities.

So, if you're ready, off we go.

PIANO PLAYS

# I am Ant

# And I am Dec

# We are tiny Geordie men

-# He's Ant

-And I am Dec

# It's very difficult to tell us both apart

# Not even we know!

# Please, sirs, please! You've got to understand

# I can't eat this any more

# Though I want to get a star

# Eating cockroaches goes too far

# She's got spiders in her bra

# Please, release us!

# Please, release us

# Please release us

# Please, release us

# Stop!

# I don't know who any of you are

# One of you used to be on Holby City or something

# Maybe it was The Bill or maybe you do some sports

# I am not entirely sure, Dec

# How dare you? How could you not remember us?

# I used to be married to a Premiership footballer

# He was like you...

# But at least...

# 12 inches taller

# I have breasts made out of plastic

# How can you not think that I'm fantastic?

# I used to stand next to a well-known TV chef

# How can you not know who we are?

# You must eat a kangaroo's balls!

-# Eat the kangaroo's penis!

-Eat the kangaroo's penis!

# We can't do it any more

# Eat the kangaroo's penis

# We don't want to eat the penis

# Eat the kangaroo's penis

ALL: # Penis! #

APPLAUSE

Superb, thank you.

Well, that's all we have time for tonight

so my thanks go to Justin Edwards, Pippa Evans,

Tom Parry, Humphrey Ker,

Ruth Bratt, and David Reed.

And good night from me, Hugh Dennis.

See you next time we play Fast And Loose.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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