Episode 5 Fast and Loose


Episode 5

Hugh Dennis presents another batch of improvised games, sketches and music with guests Greg Davies, Justin Edwards, Pippa Evans, Humphrey Ker, Marek Larwood and Laura Solon.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 40 seconds at least, you're watching Fast And Loose.

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On the show tonight, he's allergic to it, yet strangely attracted to fish - Justin Edwards.

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Just back from a successful tour of Category "A" women's prisons - Pippa Evans.

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He's 48-26-36 and all man - Greg Davies!

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He's a riddle wrapped in an enigma and drizzled in olive oil - Humphrey Ker!

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Call me Ishmael, but call her Laura Solon.

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Oh, no, no, not him -

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it's Marek Larwood!

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And finally, would you please welcome your host, a man who sounds a lot like me - Hugh Dennis!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to the show.

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Tonight, we'll be improvising scenes, sketches and TV spoofs

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and picking our performers' brains on an array of topics, so let's play Fast And Loose.

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APPLAUSE

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Right, to kick things off, let's play a game called Speed Dating.

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This is a game for all our performers, so if you could head over to the performance zone.

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You have to imagine the impossibility that you're all desperate and single

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as we ask you to act out terrible things to say at a speed dating event. So off we go...

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I'm actually a bodybuilder.

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I built this one out of Turkish Delight and chips.

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BUZZER

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I'm looking for someone that really loves dogs.

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And I mean really loves dogs.

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BUZZER

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I didn't really want to come tonight, to be honest, but Tony said it was a good idea.

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Didn't you, Tony?

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BUZZER

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I'm just looking for a real man because I find sex with wooden ones give you splinters.

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BUZZER

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Describe myself in three words?

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OK, um...violent, insecure and barren.

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BUZZER

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Um...ideally, I'm looking for a mermaid

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or someone who can cope with a consistent bed-wetter.

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BUZZER

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With me, what you see is what you get. You can read me like a book.

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And that book is Mein Kampf... No!

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BUZZER

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What animal would I say I was? Well, probably an elephant.

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Thick-skinned, has a good memory

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and giant grey testicles.

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BUZZER

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Yes, the ladies call me "the donkey".

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Not that it does me any good these days. You have to hit it with nettles to get anything out of it.

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I want a husband, but I don't want kids, right, cos childbirth is pretty much impossible.

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I did some experiments at my house this morning

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and basically, anything bigger than a My Little Pony gets jammed.

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BUZZER

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I'm very romantic, like.

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I once bought a lady a nice rose.

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I say "bought", I stole it.

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I say "rose", it was a dead swan.

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BUZZER

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MAKES "BUZZER" SOUND

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MAKES "BUZZER" SOUND

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BUZZER SOUNDS, HE MIMICS BUZZER

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you.

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This is the part of the show that I think we should call Favourite Word

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because I'm going to ask our performers to tell me their absolute favourite word.

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So what's your favourite word? Anyone?

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My favourite word is...

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"acquittal".

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LAUGHTER

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And I hope it works out for you. Anyone else?

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Well, Hugh, I come from a very wealthy family, so my favourite word is "bereavement".

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-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much.

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Now we're going to play a game called 7-Up. This is for Humphrey, Justin, Laura, Greg and Marek.

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So come on down here, please.

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This is inspired by the long-running documentary series following ordinary people through their lives.

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I'll be taking the part of the interviewer asking questions of characters played by the performers

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at seven-yearly intervals.

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So, Justin and Humphrey, you are Peter Pan and Wendy.

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Wendy.

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Laura, you're an EastEnders character.

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Greg and Marek, you're a boy and his imaginary friend.

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OK, so you're now seven years old. So, Peter Pan and Wendy, what's it like being seven for you?

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HIGH VOICE: It's seven for me every day and always will be.

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-That's the way I like it. Right, Wendy?

-Yes, I'm having a tremendous time.

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Peter has stolen me from my bedroom and made me go on an adventure with him.

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-It's really great.

-Should I be worried?

-No, I'm taking you to Neverland, but not that one.

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Laura, you're seven years old. What do you want to do with your life?

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My life is an on-running drama.

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My mum is not my mum.

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She's mothered five kids by seven different fathers.

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Then there's two gay doctors, a dog, a fat one that plays the trumpet.

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I don't know what's going on!

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-Now, Greg, Marek...

-Hello, Hugh.

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-You're very well-spoken for a seven-year-old.

-Tell him you'll ask the questions.

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-I can't tell him that. He's the host of the show.

-You'll do what I say.

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How can I possibly...

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-How can I possibly tell him? I'm only seven.

-I'll tell him...

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Miraculously, seven years have now passed. You're all now 14 years old.

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Peter Pan?

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I'm not 14. I'm still seven.

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Yeah, tell me about it! I want to go up the precinct and hang out and go shopping. He's just a bit weird.

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I thought we could go fly around the pirate ship and maybe throw some berries at them.

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Pirate ship? Berries? What's going on? Where are my parents?

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-They're probably dead by now.

-Oh, great(!)

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And who is this Tinker Bell fella who hangs round all the time? I don't trust him.

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"He" is a lady,

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which is more than I can say for you!

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And Laura, you've... Has the last seven years been eventful for you?

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Well, yeah, I took up drugs.

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I slept with all the Mitchells.

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And that was just Christmas Day.

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Greg, how has the last seven years gone for you?

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Not too bad. I mean...

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It's been terrible. Tell him it's been terrible.

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To be honest, it's been terrible. I haven't got a single real friend in the world.

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Tell him you're sick of seeing his face on panel shows.

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-I can't tell him that.

-Tell him he's done too much.

-I can't.

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-I've watched your career very closely.

-You didn't like any of it.

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Most of it I found really good.

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Tell him to stick to the scripted stuff.

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-Fantastic.

-What do you prefer?

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-Do you prefer the improvised stuff or the scripted stuff?

-Watch him lie. Watch his lying face now!

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Watch what his lying face says!

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-You're supposed to be my friend.

-I'm not your friend.

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Right, you're all now 21.

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LAUGHTER

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When...

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Peter Pan, you've not grown at all, have you?

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No, seriously, I'm genuinely trapped aged seven for my entire life.

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This has had serious ramifications for my taxes.

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It's like a pituitary gland thing or something. I'm not sure what's going on.

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-Unwisely, we've got married.

-Yeah.

-I regret that now.

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We're largely shunned by all the other people on the island.

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I'm probably the largest woman they've ever seen.

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I'm sort of married to a tiny boy.

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I should maybe get a job, but I can't because I haven't got a National Insurance number.

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-It's all cash in hand.

-It's all cash in hand.

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Laura, you're 21 now. I imagine you've gone through quite a lot.

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It wasn't going well at 14 for you.

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No, as I said, I did the single.

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It was crap.

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Then I did the reality show. That was awful.

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So now I just open "Spahs" for 50 quid.

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Small supermarkets, not health resorts.

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-That's better paid.

-Yeah.

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Greg, has the last seven years given you time to think long and hard about the things you said aged 14?

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Yeah, well, I'm absolutely fine now, Hugh, to be honest.

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Hugh? Can you hear me, Hugh?

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I've very much got the little man under control these days.

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Hugh, I'm trapped inside.

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-And I would just like to say what a great admirer I am of your career.

-I hate him!

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Particularly the scripted stuff.

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That's fantastic. Thank you very much indeed.

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APPLAUSE

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Now, I have always fancied owning my own restaurant, but I just can't think what to call it.

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To help narrow it down, what do you think would be a bad name for a restaurant? Justin?

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The Fat Dick at Bray.

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LAUGHTER

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Pippa?

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If You Kill It, I'll Cook It.

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Marek?

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Burger Twat.

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LAUGHTER

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Humphrey?

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Sloppy Seconds.

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LAUGHTER AND GROANS

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Thank you very much.

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Right, next we play a game called Interpretative Dance.

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Taking part in this are Pippa and Laura, but let's meet our special guest performer - David Armand!

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APPLAUSE

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Now, the way that this game works is that we play in a popular song

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and we ask our interpretative dancer David to illustrate the lyrics through the medium of dance.

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Pippa and Laura will be wearing headphones and unable to hear the music.

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They'll have to guess the song and the artist purely from the mime,

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so put your headphones on, please.

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I'll just check you can't hear. Can you hear...?

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-No, they can't hear. So, David, if you're ready...

-I think so, yes.

-Off we go.

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ROCK MUSIC INTRO

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# I did my best to notice

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# When the call came down the line

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# Up to the platform of surrender

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# I was brought but I was kind

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# And sometimes I get nervous

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# When I see an open door

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# Close your eyes, clear your heart

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# Cut the cord

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# Are we human?

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# Or are we dancers?

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# My sign is vital

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# My hands are cold

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# And I'm on my knees

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# Looking for the answer

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# Are we human?

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# Or are we dancers...? #

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APPLAUSE

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# Pay my respects to grace and virtue

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# Send my condolences to good

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# Give my regards to soul and romance

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# They always did the best they could

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# And so long to devotion

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# You taught me everything I know

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# Wave goodbye, wish me well...

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# You've gotta let me go

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# Are we human?

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# Or are we dancers?

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# My sign is vital

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# My hands are cold

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# And I'm on my knees

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# Looking for the answer

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# Are we human?

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# Or are we dancers?

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# Will your system be all right

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# When you dream of home tonight?

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# There is no message we're receiving

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# Let me know, is your heart still beating?

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# You've gotta let me know

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# Are we human?

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# Or are we dancers?

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# My sign is vital

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# My hands are cold

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# And I'm on my knees

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# Looking for the answer

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# Are we human?

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# Or are we dancers? #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So, Pippa...

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Pippa, Laura, any idea?

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-I think that's incredibly easy.

-Do you?

-Do you?

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The only thing I could think of was Nellie the Elephant.

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Want a clue for the band?

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Punch and Judy?

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-The Killers!

-Yes!

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-What species is he?

-Human.

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-Human!

-Human!

-Fantastic. Well done.

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Thank you very much, David Armand!

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Now we come to that part of the show that I call I Wish. I ask the performers what they'd wish for

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when they blow out their birthday candles. Anyone?

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Simple wish, Hugh. And it's always the same. I wish...all the fighting would stop

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and, if there's time, I wish that I had a penis like a farm boy's arm holding a pumpkin.

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Would that not... Would that not rot after a while?

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LAUGHTER

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Thank you!

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Next up is the performance picnic that we call Come Dining.

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This is for Justin, Pippa, Greg, Humphrey and Marek. Please come down to our dining area.

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Justin and Pippa, you will act out a mealtime scene in a film genre, but when each of your guests arrives

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you must switch to the genre they bring with them.

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As each of them leaves, the others revert back to the previous genre.

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I hope you understood that because I haven't got a clue!

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So if you could start us off as Silence of the Lambs.

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Humphrey, you come in as an Aussie soap. Greg, you're pantomime.

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-And Marek, you are Robin Hood.

-Of course, of course.

-So if you're ready, off you go.

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Well, Mr Hannibal, thank you. I must be your first ever dinner guest.

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Oh, Clarice, I cooked a marvellous dinner for you.

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Fava beans and chianti. P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p!

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-This leg of lamb seems to still be bleeding.

-That was no lamb.

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-Guys! I came as soon as I heard Bouncer was dead.

-Ripper.

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-What are you eating?!

-Just a little bit of Bouncer.

-It was just an accident. Please don't get angry!

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-You guys are such dags!

-You're a dag!

-No, you're a dag!

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Calm down. Mr Irigawa's coming. That's a very early Neighbours reference!

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Did he get the contract off Helen Daniels(?)

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-I think it was Mrs Mangel.

-I haven't watched this show for 15 years!

-Don't cry. I love you.

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How else will I express myself?!

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Oooh! Hello, boys and girls! It's me - an ageing queen dressed as a woman!

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-Oooh!

-Behind me? I wish!

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Ooooh!

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-Oh!

-It's...Robin Hood!

-It's only me, Robin Hood!

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Ho ho ho. Oh, Robin. Why don't you come here and hold me for a while?

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Yes, hold Maid Marion.

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Oooh!

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Oooh, I say!

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Sorry, boys and girls! I went and slipped on Robin Hood!

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Oooh! I might stay here for a while, though.

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This is so going to end up on the DVD extras.

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It's behind you... your career.

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Oooh! he was a cheeky one, wasn't he, boys and girls?

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My pants have fallen down! Oh, no, they haven't!

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No, they genuinely have!

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I've had enough of this. I'm going to the Watering Hole to think about how difficult life is.

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Ohhh!

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-What's for dessert, Hannibal?

-Well, Clarice, I've got a marvellous blood sausage...

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LAUGHTER

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Thank you very much! Well done!

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Hey, guess what, everyone. It's party time!

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This is the part of the show where I drop in some nang beats - what?! - and get everyone buzzing.

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When the music stops, the performers say the most pretentious line they can think of. Cue the music.

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PARTY MUSIC PLAYS

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There's something really cathartically nihilistic about Bargain Hunt.

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What most people fail to realise is that Guantanamo Bay is interesting site-specific installation theatre.

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LAUGHTER

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I like to make sure that all my equipment is HD ready.

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And when I say HD ready, I mean ready for Hugh Dennis. Hmm-hmm-hmm!

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When I'm inside you, I AM you.

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For my son's Nativity, I wrap the baby in Parma ham.

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Then, of course, we made our own pesto from the afterbirth.

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GROANS AND LAUGHTER

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OK, thank you very much indeed!

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Our next game is Dragon's Lair, our version of the popular BBC2 business programme I can't reveal.

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Humphrey and Pippa are the Dragons, Duncan Bannatyne and Deborah Meaden, so if you'd come down.

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I'm going to play the presenter, the one who looks like Dobby the house-elf.

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So can we please have a husband and wife team, Laura and Greg?

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If you'd like to come over here to collect your invention, which is...this.

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So...

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Good luck with that. And off you go.

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All right, come in. Come in.

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Come on. Right, you - talk.

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-Hello, Dwagons.

-Oh! You - talk.

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Hello, Dwagons!

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-All right, you talk.

-Hello, Dwagons.

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Can I get a word in, please? I'm a strong woman in business.

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So just tell us, tell us what it is.

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Why do you wear such bad clothes?

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-Is that your real face?

-Hello, Dwagons.

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-Right, Big Man, do the talking.

-Karen and I have been married for many, many unhappy years.

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Both of us have been so lonely. As a result, I have personally sought solace

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in the arms of countless women. I've had affair upon affair

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-upon affair upon unprotected affair.

-LAUGHTER

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Now whilst my wife is aware of my nocturnal activities,

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still we are presented sometimes with rather embarrassing situations.

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-Such as...

-I might be taking my wife out for a fish supper in Birmingham.

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-We don't live in Birmingham.

-No, but I may... I'm creating a scenario.

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What the fuck is your product?

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-LAUGHTER

-As we were walking through Birmingham town centre,

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I spot a woman that I have had vigorous sex with.

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I don't care what my wife thinks. Her feelings are meaningless to me.

0:22:460:22:51

But my quarry has no idea that I am a married man. Thus I employ this - the wife disguise.

0:22:510:22:57

LAUGHTER

0:22:570:23:00

I don't want my wife to be spotted, so I'll pop this over her...

0:23:000:23:05

When we first got married, I was considerably shorter.

0:23:070:23:12

How many of these do you think you could produce a year?

0:23:120:23:17

Four.

0:23:170:23:19

So, Deborah, are you in or out?

0:23:190:23:22

I find it offensive against women and against me, although you didn't hide her face from me, did you?

0:23:220:23:28

You just came out here flaunting it.

0:23:280:23:32

48 hours! 48!

0:23:320:23:35

I had no idea you lived in Birmingham!

0:23:350:23:39

-So in or out?

-OUT!

-Humphrey?

-I'm gonnae have to say...

0:23:390:23:43

-out.

-Why?!

0:23:430:23:46

Because it's shit.

0:23:460:23:49

Laura and Greg, are you happy?

0:23:490:23:52

-Couldn't care less!

-Thank you very much!

0:23:550:23:59

Right. Now we move on to a game called Sideways Scene. This is for Pippa, Justin and Marek

0:24:050:24:12

and takes place in the special area behind the set. If you three would go round there...

0:24:120:24:18

and get ready.

0:24:180:24:20

You're going to perform a scene in different genres suggested by me,

0:24:200:24:25

but you'll be doing it lying down on our magic mat.

0:24:250:24:29

We'll relay the pictures to the audience on the screen.

0:24:290:24:33

Now the scenario is that Justin and Pippa are home on a windy night

0:24:330:24:39

having a romantic meal when the fuses go out.

0:24:390:24:43

And Marek arrives to fix the fuse.

0:24:440:24:48

LAUGHTER

0:24:480:24:49

So if you are ready, off you go.

0:24:490:24:53

-Isn't this exciting?

-It's lovely. Why don't you sit down and I'll bring you the canapes?

-OK.

0:24:530:24:59

LAUGHTER

0:25:000:25:02

-There you go, darling.

-Oh, and do we have any mustard?

0:25:110:25:15

I think it's in the pantry. Let me just...

0:25:150:25:19

Just try to climb over the chair. That would be easiest, I suspect.

0:25:190:25:24

APPLAUSE

0:25:250:25:27

Whoo!

0:25:270:25:29

Goodness.

0:25:290:25:31

-We really must get that extension.

-Yes. Or put a cupboard over there.

0:25:320:25:37

Oh, hang on. There's somebody at the door.

0:25:370:25:41

Oh, it's windy!

0:25:410:25:43

It's windy out here!

0:25:470:25:50

Whoa!

0:25:500:25:51

Oh, it's pretty windy out here!

0:25:510:25:54

Watch out. That door's probably going to be caught in the wind!

0:25:560:26:00

Quick! Close it!

0:26:020:26:04

Come on in.

0:26:070:26:10

-Justin, darling?

-Yes?

-Is he here about the fuses?

0:26:110:26:16

-Yes. I...

-Whoa!

0:26:160:26:18

Ohh!

0:26:220:26:23

Let me come and tell you about the fuses.

0:26:230:26:27

OK, and freeze, please!

0:26:270:26:30

Now I'd like you to do it in the style of ET.

0:26:310:26:35

SHE HUMS UPLIFTING ET MUSIC

0:26:350:26:37

Please, get on your bicycle and we will fly.

0:26:390:26:43

LAUGHTER

0:26:440:26:46

APPLAUSE

0:26:480:26:50

OK.

0:26:550:26:56

And freeze again, please.

0:26:560:26:59

And now could you do it in the style of Superman?

0:26:590:27:03

Superman! You brought me on my special chair. I couldn't live with out it!

0:27:040:27:10

But now throw it away for you can fly!

0:27:100:27:14

What about me, Superman...?!

0:27:140:27:16

Get away from him! Get away from him! He's crazy!

0:27:160:27:20

Aaaaah!

0:27:200:27:22

Aaaaah!

0:27:230:27:25

Aaaah!

0:27:250:27:27

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:27:290:27:32

And now...

0:27:330:27:35

-That's the freeze, by the way.

-Oh, sorry!

0:27:350:27:40

Freeze. And now in the style of Jaws.

0:27:400:27:45

-Come on. Let's swim to the surface.

-Get up!

0:27:450:27:48

Oh. Oh, I see who I am now.

0:27:480:27:51

LAUGHTER

0:27:510:27:53

-Quickly. Just tread water here. We'll be fine.

-He's moving!

0:27:530:27:58

HUMS "Jaws" THEME

0:27:580:28:00

Aaaaaaieee!

0:28:030:28:04

OK.

0:28:050:28:06

Thank you very much. Come on back round.

0:28:060:28:10

CHEERING

0:28:140:28:16

That's all we have time for tonight. Our thanks to Justin Edwards,

0:28:200:28:25

Laura Solon,

0:28:260:28:28

Greg Davies, Marek Larwood,

0:28:280:28:32

Pippa Evans and Humphrey Ker.

0:28:320:28:35

And good night from me, Hugh Dennis. See you the next time we play Fast and Loose.

0:28:350:28:41

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2011

0:28:490:28:53

Email [email protected]

0:28:540:28:57

Hugh Dennis presents another comic collection of improvised games, sketches and music with guests Greg Davies, Justin Edwards, Pippa Evans, Humphrey Ker, Marek Larwood and Laura Solon.


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