Episode 5 Fast and Loose

Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 40 seconds at least, you're watching Fast And Loose.

On the show tonight, he's allergic to it, yet strangely attracted to fish - Justin Edwards.

Just back from a successful tour of Category "A" women's prisons - Pippa Evans.

He's 48-26-36 and all man - Greg Davies!

He's a riddle wrapped in an enigma and drizzled in olive oil - Humphrey Ker!

Call me Ishmael, but call her Laura Solon.

Oh, no, no, not him -

it's Marek Larwood!

And finally, would you please welcome your host, a man who sounds a lot like me - Hugh Dennis!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to the show.

Tonight, we'll be improvising scenes, sketches and TV spoofs

and picking our performers' brains on an array of topics, so let's play Fast And Loose.

APPLAUSE

Right, to kick things off, let's play a game called Speed Dating.

This is a game for all our performers, so if you could head over to the performance zone.

You have to imagine the impossibility that you're all desperate and single

as we ask you to act out terrible things to say at a speed dating event. So off we go...

I'm actually a bodybuilder.

I built this one out of Turkish Delight and chips.

BUZZER

I'm looking for someone that really loves dogs.

And I mean really loves dogs.

BUZZER

I didn't really want to come tonight, to be honest, but Tony said it was a good idea.

Didn't you, Tony?

BUZZER

I'm just looking for a real man because I find sex with wooden ones give you splinters.

BUZZER

Describe myself in three words?

OK, um...violent, insecure and barren.

BUZZER

Um...ideally, I'm looking for a mermaid

or someone who can cope with a consistent bed-wetter.

BUZZER

With me, what you see is what you get. You can read me like a book.

And that book is Mein Kampf... No!

BUZZER

What animal would I say I was? Well, probably an elephant.

Thick-skinned, has a good memory

and giant grey testicles.

BUZZER

Yes, the ladies call me "the donkey".

Not that it does me any good these days. You have to hit it with nettles to get anything out of it.

I want a husband, but I don't want kids, right, cos childbirth is pretty much impossible.

I did some experiments at my house this morning

and basically, anything bigger than a My Little Pony gets jammed.

BUZZER

I'm very romantic, like.

I once bought a lady a nice rose.

I say "bought", I stole it.

I say "rose", it was a dead swan.

BUZZER

MAKES "BUZZER" SOUND

MAKES "BUZZER" SOUND

BUZZER SOUNDS, HE MIMICS BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

This is the part of the show that I think we should call Favourite Word

because I'm going to ask our performers to tell me their absolute favourite word.

So what's your favourite word? Anyone?

My favourite word is...

"acquittal".

LAUGHTER

And I hope it works out for you. Anyone else?

Well, Hugh, I come from a very wealthy family, so my favourite word is "bereavement".

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much.

Now we're going to play a game called 7-Up. This is for Humphrey, Justin, Laura, Greg and Marek.

So come on down here, please.

This is inspired by the long-running documentary series following ordinary people through their lives.

I'll be taking the part of the interviewer asking questions of characters played by the performers

at seven-yearly intervals.

So, Justin and Humphrey, you are Peter Pan and Wendy.

Wendy.

Laura, you're an EastEnders character.

Greg and Marek, you're a boy and his imaginary friend.

OK, so you're now seven years old. So, Peter Pan and Wendy, what's it like being seven for you?

HIGH VOICE: It's seven for me every day and always will be.

-That's the way I like it. Right, Wendy?

-Yes, I'm having a tremendous time.

Peter has stolen me from my bedroom and made me go on an adventure with him.

-It's really great.

-Should I be worried?

-No, I'm taking you to Neverland, but not that one.

Laura, you're seven years old. What do you want to do with your life?

My life is an on-running drama.

My mum is not my mum.

She's mothered five kids by seven different fathers.

Then there's two gay doctors, a dog, a fat one that plays the trumpet.

I don't know what's going on!

-Now, Greg, Marek...

-Hello, Hugh.

-You're very well-spoken for a seven-year-old.

-Tell him you'll ask the questions.

-I can't tell him that. He's the host of the show.

-You'll do what I say.

How can I possibly...

-How can I possibly tell him? I'm only seven.

-I'll tell him...

Miraculously, seven years have now passed. You're all now 14 years old.

Peter Pan?

I'm not 14. I'm still seven.

Yeah, tell me about it! I want to go up the precinct and hang out and go shopping. He's just a bit weird.

I thought we could go fly around the pirate ship and maybe throw some berries at them.

Pirate ship? Berries? What's going on? Where are my parents?

-They're probably dead by now.

-Oh, great(!)

And who is this Tinker Bell fella who hangs round all the time? I don't trust him.

"He" is a lady,

which is more than I can say for you!

And Laura, you've... Has the last seven years been eventful for you?

Well, yeah, I took up drugs.

I slept with all the Mitchells.

And that was just Christmas Day.

Greg, how has the last seven years gone for you?

Not too bad. I mean...

It's been terrible. Tell him it's been terrible.

To be honest, it's been terrible. I haven't got a single real friend in the world.

Tell him you're sick of seeing his face on panel shows.

-I can't tell him that.

-Tell him he's done too much.

-I can't.

-I've watched your career very closely.

-You didn't like any of it.

Most of it I found really good.

Tell him to stick to the scripted stuff.

-Fantastic.

-What do you prefer?

-Do you prefer the improvised stuff or the scripted stuff?

-Watch him lie. Watch his lying face now!

Watch what his lying face says!

-You're supposed to be my friend.

-I'm not your friend.

Right, you're all now 21.

LAUGHTER

When...

Peter Pan, you've not grown at all, have you?

No, seriously, I'm genuinely trapped aged seven for my entire life.

This has had serious ramifications for my taxes.

It's like a pituitary gland thing or something. I'm not sure what's going on.

-Unwisely, we've got married.

-Yeah.

-I regret that now.

We're largely shunned by all the other people on the island.

I'm probably the largest woman they've ever seen.

I'm sort of married to a tiny boy.

I should maybe get a job, but I can't because I haven't got a National Insurance number.

-It's all cash in hand.

-It's all cash in hand.

Laura, you're 21 now. I imagine you've gone through quite a lot.

It wasn't going well at 14 for you.

No, as I said, I did the single.

It was crap.

Then I did the reality show. That was awful.

So now I just open "Spahs" for 50 quid.

Small supermarkets, not health resorts.

-That's better paid.

-Yeah.

Greg, has the last seven years given you time to think long and hard about the things you said aged 14?

Yeah, well, I'm absolutely fine now, Hugh, to be honest.

Hugh? Can you hear me, Hugh?

I've very much got the little man under control these days.

Hugh, I'm trapped inside.

-And I would just like to say what a great admirer I am of your career.

-I hate him!

Particularly the scripted stuff.

That's fantastic. Thank you very much indeed.

APPLAUSE

Now, I have always fancied owning my own restaurant, but I just can't think what to call it.

To help narrow it down, what do you think would be a bad name for a restaurant? Justin?

The Fat Dick at Bray.

LAUGHTER

Pippa?

If You Kill It, I'll Cook It.

Marek?

Burger Twat.

LAUGHTER

Humphrey?

Sloppy Seconds.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Thank you very much.

Right, next we play a game called Interpretative Dance.

Taking part in this are Pippa and Laura, but let's meet our special guest performer - David Armand!

APPLAUSE

Now, the way that this game works is that we play in a popular song

and we ask our interpretative dancer David to illustrate the lyrics through the medium of dance.

Pippa and Laura will be wearing headphones and unable to hear the music.

They'll have to guess the song and the artist purely from the mime,

so put your headphones on, please.

I'll just check you can't hear. Can you hear...?

-No, they can't hear. So, David, if you're ready...

-I think so, yes.

-Off we go.

ROCK MUSIC INTRO

# I did my best to notice

# When the call came down the line

# Up to the platform of surrender

# I was brought but I was kind

# And sometimes I get nervous

# When I see an open door

# Close your eyes, clear your heart

# Cut the cord

# Are we human?

# Or are we dancers?

# My sign is vital

# My hands are cold

# And I'm on my knees

# Looking for the answer

# Are we human?

# Or are we dancers...? #

APPLAUSE

# Pay my respects to grace and virtue

# Send my condolences to good

# Give my regards to soul and romance

# They always did the best they could

# And so long to devotion

# You taught me everything I know

# Wave goodbye, wish me well...

# You've gotta let me go

# Are we human?

# Or are we dancers?

# My sign is vital

# My hands are cold

# And I'm on my knees

# Looking for the answer

# Are we human?

# Or are we dancers?

# Will your system be all right

# When you dream of home tonight?

# There is no message we're receiving

# Let me know, is your heart still beating?

# You've gotta let me know

# Are we human?

# Or are we dancers?

# My sign is vital

# My hands are cold

# And I'm on my knees

# Looking for the answer

# Are we human?

# Or are we dancers? #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, Pippa...

Pippa, Laura, any idea?

-I think that's incredibly easy.

-Do you?

-Do you?

The only thing I could think of was Nellie the Elephant.

Want a clue for the band?

Punch and Judy?

-The Killers!

-Yes!

-What species is he?

-Human.

-Human!

-Human!

-Fantastic. Well done.

Thank you very much, David Armand!

Now we come to that part of the show that I call I Wish. I ask the performers what they'd wish for

when they blow out their birthday candles. Anyone?

Simple wish, Hugh. And it's always the same. I wish...all the fighting would stop

and, if there's time, I wish that I had a penis like a farm boy's arm holding a pumpkin.

Would that not... Would that not rot after a while?

LAUGHTER

Thank you!

Next up is the performance picnic that we call Come Dining.

This is for Justin, Pippa, Greg, Humphrey and Marek. Please come down to our dining area.

Justin and Pippa, you will act out a mealtime scene in a film genre, but when each of your guests arrives

you must switch to the genre they bring with them.

As each of them leaves, the others revert back to the previous genre.

I hope you understood that because I haven't got a clue!

So if you could start us off as Silence of the Lambs.

Humphrey, you come in as an Aussie soap. Greg, you're pantomime.

-And Marek, you are Robin Hood.

-Of course, of course.

-So if you're ready, off you go.

Well, Mr Hannibal, thank you. I must be your first ever dinner guest.

Oh, Clarice, I cooked a marvellous dinner for you.

Fava beans and chianti. P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p!

-This leg of lamb seems to still be bleeding.

-That was no lamb.

-Guys! I came as soon as I heard Bouncer was dead.

-Ripper.

-What are you eating?!

-Just a little bit of Bouncer.

-It was just an accident. Please don't get angry!

-You guys are such dags!

-You're a dag!

-No, you're a dag!

Calm down. Mr Irigawa's coming. That's a very early Neighbours reference!

Did he get the contract off Helen Daniels(?)

-I think it was Mrs Mangel.

-I haven't watched this show for 15 years!

-Don't cry. I love you.

How else will I express myself?!

Oooh! Hello, boys and girls! It's me - an ageing queen dressed as a woman!

-Oooh!

-Behind me? I wish!

Ooooh!

-Oh!

-It's...Robin Hood!

-It's only me, Robin Hood!

Ho ho ho. Oh, Robin. Why don't you come here and hold me for a while?

Yes, hold Maid Marion.

Oooh!

Oooh, I say!

Sorry, boys and girls! I went and slipped on Robin Hood!

Oooh! I might stay here for a while, though.

This is so going to end up on the DVD extras.

It's behind you... your career.

Oooh! he was a cheeky one, wasn't he, boys and girls?

My pants have fallen down! Oh, no, they haven't!

No, they genuinely have!

I've had enough of this. I'm going to the Watering Hole to think about how difficult life is.

Ohhh!

-What's for dessert, Hannibal?

-Well, Clarice, I've got a marvellous blood sausage...

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much! Well done!

Hey, guess what, everyone. It's party time!

This is the part of the show where I drop in some nang beats - what?! - and get everyone buzzing.

When the music stops, the performers say the most pretentious line they can think of. Cue the music.

PARTY MUSIC PLAYS

There's something really cathartically nihilistic about Bargain Hunt.

What most people fail to realise is that Guantanamo Bay is interesting site-specific installation theatre.

LAUGHTER

I like to make sure that all my equipment is HD ready.

And when I say HD ready, I mean ready for Hugh Dennis. Hmm-hmm-hmm!

When I'm inside you, I AM you.

For my son's Nativity, I wrap the baby in Parma ham.

Then, of course, we made our own pesto from the afterbirth.

GROANS AND LAUGHTER

OK, thank you very much indeed!

Our next game is Dragon's Lair, our version of the popular BBC2 business programme I can't reveal.

Humphrey and Pippa are the Dragons, Duncan Bannatyne and Deborah Meaden, so if you'd come down.

I'm going to play the presenter, the one who looks like Dobby the house-elf.

So can we please have a husband and wife team, Laura and Greg?

If you'd like to come over here to collect your invention, which is...this.

So...

Good luck with that. And off you go.

All right, come in. Come in.

Come on. Right, you - talk.

-Hello, Dwagons.

-Oh! You - talk.

Hello, Dwagons!

-All right, you talk.

-Hello, Dwagons.

Can I get a word in, please? I'm a strong woman in business.

So just tell us, tell us what it is.

Why do you wear such bad clothes?

-Is that your real face?

-Hello, Dwagons.

-Right, Big Man, do the talking.

-Karen and I have been married for many, many unhappy years.

Both of us have been so lonely. As a result, I have personally sought solace

in the arms of countless women. I've had affair upon affair

-upon affair upon unprotected affair.

-LAUGHTER

Now whilst my wife is aware of my nocturnal activities,

still we are presented sometimes with rather embarrassing situations.

-Such as...

-I might be taking my wife out for a fish supper in Birmingham.

-We don't live in Birmingham.

-No, but I may... I'm creating a scenario.

What the fuck is your product?

-LAUGHTER

-As we were walking through Birmingham town centre,

I spot a woman that I have had vigorous sex with.

I don't care what my wife thinks. Her feelings are meaningless to me.

But my quarry has no idea that I am a married man. Thus I employ this - the wife disguise.

LAUGHTER

I don't want my wife to be spotted, so I'll pop this over her...

When we first got married, I was considerably shorter.

How many of these do you think you could produce a year?

Four.

So, Deborah, are you in or out?

I find it offensive against women and against me, although you didn't hide her face from me, did you?

You just came out here flaunting it.

48 hours! 48!

I had no idea you lived in Birmingham!

-So in or out?

-OUT!

-Humphrey?

-I'm gonnae have to say...

-out.

-Why?!

Because it's shit.

Laura and Greg, are you happy?

-Couldn't care less!

-Thank you very much!

Right. Now we move on to a game called Sideways Scene. This is for Pippa, Justin and Marek

and takes place in the special area behind the set. If you three would go round there...

and get ready.

You're going to perform a scene in different genres suggested by me,

but you'll be doing it lying down on our magic mat.

We'll relay the pictures to the audience on the screen.

Now the scenario is that Justin and Pippa are home on a windy night

having a romantic meal when the fuses go out.

And Marek arrives to fix the fuse.

LAUGHTER

So if you are ready, off you go.

-Isn't this exciting?

-It's lovely. Why don't you sit down and I'll bring you the canapes?

-OK.

LAUGHTER

-There you go, darling.

-Oh, and do we have any mustard?

I think it's in the pantry. Let me just...

Just try to climb over the chair. That would be easiest, I suspect.

APPLAUSE

Whoo!

Goodness.

-We really must get that extension.

-Yes. Or put a cupboard over there.

Oh, hang on. There's somebody at the door.

Oh, it's windy!

It's windy out here!

Whoa!

Oh, it's pretty windy out here!

Watch out. That door's probably going to be caught in the wind!

Quick! Close it!

Come on in.

-Justin, darling?

-Yes?

-Is he here about the fuses?

-Yes. I...

-Whoa!

Ohh!

Let me come and tell you about the fuses.

OK, and freeze, please!

Now I'd like you to do it in the style of ET.

SHE HUMS UPLIFTING ET MUSIC

Please, get on your bicycle and we will fly.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK.

And freeze again, please.

And now could you do it in the style of Superman?

Superman! You brought me on my special chair. I couldn't live with out it!

But now throw it away for you can fly!

What about me, Superman...?!

Get away from him! Get away from him! He's crazy!

Aaaaah!

Aaaaah!

Aaaah!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And now...

-That's the freeze, by the way.

-Oh, sorry!

Freeze. And now in the style of Jaws.

-Come on. Let's swim to the surface.

-Get up!

Oh. Oh, I see who I am now.

LAUGHTER

-Quickly. Just tread water here. We'll be fine.

-He's moving!

HUMS "Jaws" THEME

Aaaaaaieee!

OK.

Thank you very much. Come on back round.

CHEERING

That's all we have time for tonight. Our thanks to Justin Edwards,

Laura Solon,

Greg Davies, Marek Larwood,

Pippa Evans and Humphrey Ker.

And good night from me, Hugh Dennis. See you the next time we play Fast and Loose.

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2011

Email [email protected]