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Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 30 seconds at least you're watching Fast and Loose! | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:06 | 0:00:09 | |
On the show tonight, he kills 99% of all household germs - Justin Edwards! | 0:00:09 | 0:00:13 | |
Who wrote the book of love? Well, it wasn't Pippa Evans! | 0:00:15 | 0:00:19 | |
He's on the run from the FBI and DFS - Wayne Brady! | 0:00:20 | 0:00:23 | |
He's almost got the same name as an ice cream - Jonathan Mangum! | 0:00:26 | 0:00:31 | |
She's the star of Maidstone CCTV's Pubwatch scheme - Ruth Bratt! | 0:00:31 | 0:00:36 | |
And he once had a fight with Alan Titchmarsh - David Reed! | 0:00:37 | 0:00:41 | |
And finally, would you please welcome your host, | 0:00:43 | 0:00:46 | |
a man who sounds a lot like me - Hugh Dennis! | 0:00:46 | 0:00:50 | |
CHEERING, APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING | 0:00:50 | 0:00:53 | |
Hello and welcome to Fast and Loose. | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
Tonight we'll be improvising scenes, sketches and TV spoofs, and picking our performers' brains | 0:00:59 | 0:01:04 | |
on an array of topics. So let's play Fast And Loose! | 0:01:04 | 0:01:08 | |
Right, to kick things off let's do a game called Showreels. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
This is for all of our performers, so please come on down. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:19 | |
We want you to show us the most disastrous clip | 0:01:19 | 0:01:22 | |
you could send out in order to get yourself on television. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:26 | |
-So are you all ready in the performance zone? -Yes. -Yes. -Yes. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:29 | |
OK... Off we go. | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:36 | |
Sometimes you just wind up with nuts in your mouth. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
I...am my own puppet. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
Bang - and my wife was gone! | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
If you're like me, | 0:02:00 | 0:02:01 | |
then you LOVE crab! | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
-Mmmm... -LAUGHTER | 0:02:04 | 0:02:05 | |
And if you'd like to buy this microwave... | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
I have nothing left to say about it, I've been here for two days trying to sell this to you, | 0:02:08 | 0:02:14 | |
-and there is nothing left! -LAUGHTER | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
And next on Blue Peter, I'll be showing you | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
how to use this clingfilm to make a sure-fire contraceptive. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:26 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
And welcome back to the Organ Shopping Network. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:31 | |
This week - human livers. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:33 | 0:02:34 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
Up next, Stephen Hawking | 0:02:38 | 0:02:39 | |
in Dancing With The Stars. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be... | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
Gary Glitter! | 0:02:52 | 0:02:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
And now, children, it's time for birthdays. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
Do forgive me if I don't get your names right, | 0:02:58 | 0:03:01 | |
but I'm still off my tits from last night... | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
Hey there! Welcome back to Dave's Pizza and Funeral Parlour. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:08 | |
Just cos your grandma's stiff, doesn't mean your crust has to be! | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
-APPLAUSE -Well done, one and all! Fantastic. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
Now, I'm very like Kerry Katona in that I guard my privacy very, very carefully... | 0:03:21 | 0:03:27 | |
and as a result people tend to just make things up about me. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
So, performers, what's the most amazing rumour that you've heard about me? | 0:03:30 | 0:03:36 | |
I heard - and I don't know if anyone else has heard this - | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
that an anagram of your name can tell you how you will die. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:43 | |
It's true. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
"Hugh Dennis"... | 0:03:45 | 0:03:46 | |
is an anagram of "hung in shed". | 0:03:46 | 0:03:51 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:51 | 0:03:52 | |
-That's actually how my father died. -Sorry. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
Anyone else? | 0:03:58 | 0:03:59 | |
Er...well, I've heard a rumour that | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
Hugh Dennis isn't your real name - | 0:04:02 | 0:04:05 | |
and that your surname is in fact Jidiot. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
Thank you! | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
Right, and now a round called 7-Up. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
This is for Pippa, Ruth, Justin, Jonathan and Wayne, so please come on down. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:23 | |
This round is inspired by the award-winning TV documentary series | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
that follows people through their lives. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
I'll be taking the part of the interviewer, | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
asking questions of characters played by the performers at seven-yearly intervals. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:37 | |
So, erm...Pippa and Ruth, | 0:04:37 | 0:04:39 | |
-you are Eastern European twins. -Hey, hey! | 0:04:39 | 0:04:43 | |
Justin, you are Napoleon. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:46 | 0:04:47 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
Wayne and Jonathan, you are Michael Jackson and Bubbles. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
So - Pippa, Ruth, you're seven years old. How are you? | 0:05:00 | 0:05:05 | |
-HEAVILY ACCENTED: -Oh, fine, thank you very much. -We are happy to come to your country | 0:05:05 | 0:05:09 | |
and be a part of your strong European Union! | 0:05:09 | 0:05:13 | |
We will clean for you... | 0:05:13 | 0:05:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
Quite. Now, erm... | 0:05:19 | 0:05:21 | |
Napoleon, you're seven. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:24 | |
Enjoying it? | 0:05:24 | 0:05:26 | |
-COD FRENCH ACCENT: -I am six years old. I am enjoying my life very much so far. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:30 | |
I am like a normal average French schoolboy. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:34 | |
I read Asterix books, I... | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
poo in the shower and poke it down with my toes. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
Now...how are YOU two? I mean, dare I ask? | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
-HIGH-PITCHED: -Good! | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
I'm Michael Jackson... | 0:05:49 | 0:05:50 | |
-WAYNE CHATTERS LIKE A MONKEY -..and this is Bubbles. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:53 | |
I was always this white. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:56 | 0:05:57 | |
Right, now, Pippa and Ruth - you're now, erm... | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
through the magic of television, you're now 14 years old. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:04 | |
What's happened over the past seven years? Are you still cleaning? | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
Why not? If you have knees, you can clean! | 0:06:06 | 0:06:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
Napoleon...? My goodness, you've grown. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
So you've had a growth spurt in the last seven years - now you're 14... | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
Yes. I realised that it was very difficult for me | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
to pursue my military career on my knees... | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
..and madly uncomfortable. So I have grown tremendously. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:30 | |
And what are you doing now, what job do you have? | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
Oh, it's a little bit of this, little bit of that... Mostly in charge of the army. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:38 | |
Excellent. And Michael and Bubbles - | 0:06:38 | 0:06:41 | |
are you still getting on, are you still... | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
Something odd has happened, hasn't it? | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:46 | 0:06:47 | |
HIGH-PITCHED: Yeah, um...I decided to go ahead and be the REAL me. And, uh... | 0:06:47 | 0:06:52 | |
and the thing is that folks blame my father for my mind and for me wanting | 0:06:52 | 0:06:56 | |
to be a different colour and sometimes even a different species | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
but you can't stop me... You can't stop me. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
You can't stop... You can't stop me! LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING | 0:07:01 | 0:07:05 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
Ohhhhhh! | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
APPLAUSE Sssh... | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
Sleep, Bubbles... It's OK, Bubbles... | 0:07:16 | 0:07:20 | |
JONATHAN CHATTERS LIKE A MONKEY | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
Excellent. Now, erm... now we're 21, so, erm... | 0:07:22 | 0:07:26 | |
intriguingly, although you've been in the country 14 years now | 0:07:26 | 0:07:30 | |
I'm intrigued by your accent - are you still speaking Eastern European? | 0:07:30 | 0:07:35 | |
-Absolutely! -Yes! | 0:07:35 | 0:07:36 | |
You have to stay with your roots. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:38 | |
That's right! You recognise us - | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
BOTH: ..we are The Cheeky Girls! | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
-# Smack my bum! -Smack my bum... # | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
-Smack my bum. -Smack MY bum! | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:49 | 0:07:50 | |
So, erm...Napoleon, you've lost an arm, have you, at 21, or it's cold, or...? | 0:07:50 | 0:07:55 | |
A bit of the both. I've... | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
Zis arm has gone to sleep, zis one I have lost in a terrible war | 0:07:58 | 0:08:02 | |
-but I am... -LAUGHTER | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
..I have found employment in a stage production of 'Allo 'Allo! | 0:08:04 | 0:08:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
Now, Michael Jackson - and I'm not sure which of you IS... | 0:08:12 | 0:08:16 | |
Ah, now I think I'm understanding. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:19 | |
-So what has happened to you in the last seven years? -Well, um... | 0:08:19 | 0:08:23 | |
I left my brothers to perform by myself, and um... | 0:08:23 | 0:08:27 | |
I had Bubbles stuffed. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:28 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
And I had him turned into a rocking chair. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
Would you like to... | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:35 | 0:08:36 | |
Sometimes... | 0:08:37 | 0:08:39 | |
sometimes when the world gets to be too much, | 0:08:39 | 0:08:41 | |
I just sit in my Bubbles rocking chair... | 0:08:41 | 0:08:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
# Ooh, I... | 0:08:46 | 0:08:47 | |
# I remember... | 0:08:47 | 0:08:50 | |
# Oooh... | 0:08:50 | 0:08:51 | |
# I remember Bubbles | 0:08:51 | 0:08:52 | |
# And the way that Bubbles was a friend to me... | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
# Ooooooh! # | 0:08:55 | 0:08:57 | |
Thank you very much! Well done, everyone. | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING | 0:08:59 | 0:09:00 | |
Right, now it's time for a fascinating fact break. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
Panel - what is the most fascinating fact that you know? Ruth... | 0:09:07 | 0:09:13 | |
Erm... There are nine million bisexuals in Beijing. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:18 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:18 | 0:09:19 | |
Bicycles! Bicycles. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
-LAUGHTER -Bicycles... | 0:09:22 | 0:09:24 | |
Wayne... | 0:09:24 | 0:09:25 | |
Cats do not like being placed in microwave ovens. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:29 | 0:09:30 | |
-It's true. -How do you know that? | 0:09:30 | 0:09:32 | |
Don't ask me questions you don't want to hear the answer to. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
And Justin... | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
Well, Hugh, it's a little-known fact - but if you | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
remove Chris Moyles' lower intestine... | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
I will buy you a car. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:45 | |
-Thank you! -APPLAUSE | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
Next we play a game called Interpretative Dance, and taking part are Pippa and Ruth. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:56 | |
But first let's meet our special guest performer - | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
would you please welcome David Armand! | 0:09:59 | 0:10:01 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
Now, the way that this game works is we play in a popular song and we ask | 0:10:07 | 0:10:12 | |
David to illustrate the lyrics through the medium of dance. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:16 | |
Pippa and Ruth will be wearing headphones and therefore unable to hear the music, | 0:10:16 | 0:10:21 | |
and they're going to have to guess the song and the artist purely from the mime. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:26 | |
So, erm...can you hear me? | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
PIPPA MOUTHS | 0:10:28 | 0:10:29 | |
This could be useful in so many ways. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
OK - off we go. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:35 | |
MUSIC: "Eternal Flame" by The Bangles | 0:10:35 | 0:10:38 | |
# Close your eyes | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
# Give me your hand, darling | 0:10:44 | 0:10:47 | |
# Do you feel my heart beating? | 0:10:47 | 0:10:51 | |
# Do you understand, do you feel the same? | 0:10:51 | 0:10:57 | |
# Am I only dreaming? | 0:10:57 | 0:11:02 | |
# Is this burning | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
# An eternal flame? | 0:11:05 | 0:11:09 | |
# I believe | 0:11:09 | 0:11:10 | |
# It's meant to be, darling | 0:11:10 | 0:11:14 | |
# I watch you when you are sleeping | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
# You belong with me | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
# Do you feel the same? | 0:11:21 | 0:11:25 | |
# Am I only dreaming? | 0:11:25 | 0:11:29 | |
# Or is this burning | 0:11:29 | 0:11:33 | |
# An eternal flame? | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
# Say my name | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
# Sun shines through the rain | 0:11:38 | 0:11:40 | |
# A whole life so lonely | 0:11:40 | 0:11:44 | |
# And then you come and ease the pain LAUGHTER | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
# I don't wanna lose this feeling | 0:11:48 | 0:11:54 | |
# Oh... | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
# Say my name | 0:11:57 | 0:12:00 | |
# Sun shines through the rain | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
# A whole life so lonely | 0:12:02 | 0:12:06 | |
# And then you come and ease the pain | 0:12:06 | 0:12:09 | |
# I don't wanna lose this feeling | 0:12:10 | 0:12:15 | |
# Oh... # | 0:12:15 | 0:12:18 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
WHISTLING | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
Sensational! Thank you. So - Pippa, Ruth, what do you reckon? | 0:12:26 | 0:12:31 | |
I have to say, it's pretty clear... | 0:12:31 | 0:12:32 | |
-LAUGHTER -Well, it's something about dreaming. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
-Yeah, that's there - but there's this... -Flames... | 0:12:35 | 0:12:39 | |
-Yes! -Flames. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
-Taking a long time with the... -Long flames... -Burn. Burning. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:45 | |
-No...! -Waiting? | 0:12:45 | 0:12:47 | |
-Time... -(BANGLES!) | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
-Erm... -LAUGHTER | 0:12:49 | 0:12:50 | |
BOTH: Eternal Flame! | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:12:53 | 0:12:54 | |
Thank you - and thank you to David Armand! | 0:12:56 | 0:12:58 | |
APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING | 0:12:58 | 0:12:59 | |
Right, well, erm... excuse me while I slip into | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
something more formal with the help of my lovely assistant, | 0:13:08 | 0:13:12 | |
in order to play our next game, which we call Early TV. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:16 | |
We travel back in time to the earliest days of this medium, | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
and we imagine popular modern television formats | 0:13:18 | 0:13:21 | |
as they might have looked in simpler black and white times. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
I will be the host, and the other performers, my guests. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
We begin with our version of The Jerry Springer Show. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:31 | |
JAUNTY PIANO THEME TUNE | 0:13:31 | 0:13:32 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
Well, good evening to you all and welcome to The Gerald Springer Show, | 0:13:38 | 0:13:42 | |
where today we'll be exploring... | 0:13:42 | 0:13:45 | |
Why On Earth Isn't My Son Married Yet? | 0:13:46 | 0:13:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
Well, with us we have the parents of said son - I believe you are Justin and Pippa, | 0:13:52 | 0:13:55 | |
so would you please come on down and explain this appalling situation? | 0:13:55 | 0:13:59 | |
-JAUNTY PIANO THEME TUNE Hello! -How do you do? How are you? | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
-Yes, very good, Gerald. Pleasure to meet you. -Lovely to meet you. So... | 0:14:02 | 0:14:06 | |
-Take me through it. Please do sit. -Yes, thank you. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
I'm glad you've taken your hat off, it would be appalling if you were wearing it. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:12 | |
-I should go outside and shoot myself or something. -LAUGHTER | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
Exactly! Yes. So tell me, how old is your son? | 0:14:15 | 0:14:18 | |
Well, our son is, er... As a matter of shame, he's... | 0:14:18 | 0:14:22 | |
-He's 19 years old. -Don't talk! He's... | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
-I'm sorry, I know my place. -Yes. Thank you. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:28 | |
And he's not...he's not wed at all? | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
-I'll be straight down the line with you, Gerald. -I wish you would be. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
I'm a simple man - I ride a penny farthing, I've got syphilis | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
and I beat my wife. But... | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:39 | 0:14:40 | |
..I really am tremendously concerned that our son | 0:14:40 | 0:14:42 | |
is not going to carry on the good, strong, solid bloodline that we've laid down for him. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:46 | |
Hmm... Well, shall we introduce the son | 0:14:46 | 0:14:49 | |
and see what on earth is wrong with him? So would you please come in, David? | 0:14:49 | 0:14:53 | |
JAUNTY PIANO THEME TUNE | 0:14:53 | 0:14:54 | |
-Father. Mother. -Hello. -Pleasure to meet you. -Please sit down. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:58 | |
-Thank you. -Now, tell us, why aren't you married? | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
Well, I don't see why I should rush into such a thing. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:04 | |
I am having such a lovely time just being a young adult. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:08 | |
-What lovely things are you doing? -The normal lovely kind of pursuits that a young adult indulges in. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:13 | |
I go to my water-colour classes. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:16 | |
And I engage in a spot of dancing. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
Oh, Lord. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:21 | |
Down at the docks. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:22 | |
FATHER MOANS | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
So you have... You are betrothed, I believe? | 0:15:24 | 0:15:29 | |
-Yes, that's right. -You have a long-term fiancee to whom you've been engaged since you were...? | 0:15:29 | 0:15:35 | |
Since I was aware of it. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:38 | |
Well, shall we meet her? Ruth, would you come in? | 0:15:38 | 0:15:40 | |
She's a lovely girl, Ruth, a lovely girl. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:45 | |
Hello. Hello. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:46 | |
And did David choose you on his own? | 0:15:46 | 0:15:48 | |
No, of course not, don't be ridiculous. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:51 | |
-We won her in a tombola. -Yes. | 0:15:51 | 0:15:54 | |
Did you? | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
And here I am, I've been waiting all these years, | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
all these months for him to marry me and he still won't. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:01 | |
What number were you in the tombola? | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
Number 149. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:04 | |
It's my lucky number. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
We also picked up a bottle of Pomagne. so it was a splendid afternoon all in all. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:10 | |
That's absolutely splendid. And you have no idea why he won't marry you? | 0:16:10 | 0:16:16 | |
No. I think it's because I don't have the things he wants. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:19 | |
No, she doesn't, that's quite right. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:21 | |
This does nothing for me. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
I think we have some audience members who would wish to ask some questions. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:29 | |
Yes. I really do not have a question, I'm merely enjoying my camera time. | 0:16:29 | 0:16:34 | |
Given the decade that this is in I'm very lucky to be in the studio audience. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:38 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
That's enough. Sorry. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
Well, I think it's probably time to wrap this up, don't you? | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
-It's been a jolly interesting afternoon with you all. -Yes. | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
Thank you so much for coming. Goodbye. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
Right, now it's the part of the show I like to call Funniest Impressions. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:08 | |
This is where I ask our performers to demonstrate the funniest impression they can do. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:13 | |
HIGH-PITCHED: They can do. | 0:17:13 | 0:17:15 | |
I'm sorry, I had late onset puberty in the middle of that line. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:18 | |
Performers, can you demonstrate the funniest impression you can do? | 0:17:19 | 0:17:23 | |
Anyone? | 0:17:23 | 0:17:24 | |
For this one you kind of get two for the price of one. | 0:17:24 | 0:17:27 | |
It's purely facial, there's no voice. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
This is Renee Zellweger... | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
..and then if you do this you're Susan Boyle. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:38 | |
Anyone else? | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
I have the distinction of being the only person of colour as an actor | 0:17:42 | 0:17:47 | |
who...in this place or back home... that does an impersonation of Edwin, the uncle from Mary Poppins. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:55 | |
Heaven to Betsy, oh, God, I'm for it! I'm for it! | 0:17:55 | 0:18:00 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:18:00 | 0:18:04 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:07 | |
Right, the next game is called Upside Down and it's for Wayne and Jonathan, so come down, please. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:15 | |
Now, using state-of-the-art camera trickery | 0:18:15 | 0:18:18 | |
we'll create the illusion our two performers are hanging upside down | 0:18:18 | 0:18:22 | |
and ask them to sing a song about their lives. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
Now, Wayne and Jonathan, you are Tarzan and Jane. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:30 | |
Yes. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
And you have to perform to whatever music we play in. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:36 | |
So assume the position, please, and off you go. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:40 | |
REGGAE MUSIC | 0:18:40 | 0:18:43 | |
Hey mon | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
Hey mon, hey mon | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
Everybody say hey mon | 0:18:47 | 0:18:48 | |
Hey mon | 0:18:48 | 0:18:50 | |
That was just one guy | 0:18:50 | 0:18:51 | |
-Hey mon. -Hey mon | 0:18:51 | 0:18:52 | |
Hey mon | 0:18:52 | 0:18:54 | |
Hey mon | 0:18:54 | 0:18:55 | |
AUDIENCE: Hey mon | 0:18:55 | 0:18:56 | |
It's true, I'm quite insane | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
My name is Tarzan and this my bitch Jane | 0:18:59 | 0:19:03 | |
That is true and we will be fine | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
If she can find my jungle then she can squeeze my vine | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
-Hey oh. -Oh oh. -Hey oh | 0:19:08 | 0:19:10 | |
Lord have mercy, come back lord of the jungle, eh... | 0:19:10 | 0:19:13 | |
Jane. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:15 | |
Because I want to explain Me might be a man but my name be Jane | 0:19:15 | 0:19:20 | |
Hold up for a second now... Me half simian | 0:19:20 | 0:19:26 | |
Hanging from the tree made me | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
Because me swing from vine to vine and leave my butt behind | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
And that is what I do His name is Tarzan | 0:19:31 | 0:19:34 | |
Oh, he's a mighty part of the plant | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
Change positions. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:37 | |
Hanging from the tree | 0:19:37 | 0:19:39 | |
Hanging from the tree... | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
We're hanging from the tree | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
-Hanging from the tree -Hanging from the tree | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
Woah... | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
Life in the jungle | 0:19:48 | 0:19:50 | |
Oh, life in the jungle | 0:19:50 | 0:19:53 | |
Life in the jungle | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
That is one hell of a tree. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:04 | |
Thank you. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
Well, time is moving on | 0:20:13 | 0:20:14 | |
so that seems like the perfect excuse for a party. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:17 | |
I'm going to play in some cool music so our performers can chill out and throw some shapes. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:23 | |
And when the music stops I'm going to ask them to say | 0:20:23 | 0:20:26 | |
the most unsuccessful chat-up line they can think of. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
So let's have our party music, please. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:31 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 0:20:31 | 0:20:37 | |
I like my women like I like my Starbucks, | 0:20:37 | 0:20:40 | |
weak, | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
with an unwieldy cup size. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:46 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 0:20:46 | 0:20:51 | |
Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you? | 0:20:51 | 0:20:55 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 0:20:55 | 0:21:03 | |
I just want babies! | 0:21:03 | 0:21:06 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 0:21:06 | 0:21:13 | |
Hey girl, you must be an angel, did you fall out of heaven? | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
Is my dad up there? | 0:21:16 | 0:21:19 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
Is that a ladder in your tights or a varicose vein? | 0:21:26 | 0:21:30 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 0:21:31 | 0:21:34 | |
Hmmm, you're as pretty as a picture. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
Unfortunately it's a picture of some shit. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:21:41 | 0:21:42 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:21:48 | 0:21:53 | |
Next up is the feastathon which we call Come Dining. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:58 | |
This is for David, Pippa, Wayne, Justin and Jonathan, so come on down, please. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:03 | |
David and Pippa, you will begin acting out a meal-time scene in a film genre. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:08 | |
When each of your guests arrive you must switch to performing in a different style | 0:22:08 | 0:22:13 | |
and as each of you leaves the other performers must revert back to the previous genre. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:18 | |
So, Pippa and David, could you please begin by doing a Carry On film. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
Yes. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
Wayne, you will come in as High School Musical. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:25 | |
Justin, you are a British war film, | 0:22:27 | 0:22:31 | |
and Jonathan, you are Lord Of The Rings. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:36 | |
Well, that's simple enough. | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
Let's go, then. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
SHE CACKLES | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
CAMPLY: So, I've made sausages, I like a bit of sausage. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:47 | |
-I like a bit of rump steak. -Oh, I bet you do. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
-I bet you like a bit of rump. -I do like a bit of rump. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
-I bet you like a bit of rump in your hands. -I like it. -I bet you like it. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
Later maybe we'll have melon. | 0:22:55 | 0:23:00 | |
# Let's go, it's time to eat | 0:23:00 | 0:23:02 | |
# America, it's time to eat | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
# I'm an underage kid with a man-size libido, let's eat. # | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
# How do you feel about beef? # | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
I'm glad we're here, it's probably the last meal we shall all have together. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:21 | |
Sit down, we'll go through the plans. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:23 | |
All I've got with you is some powdered egg and some bullets. We attack at dawn. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:28 | |
-Is it true, sir? -Yes. -Are we going to die? | 0:23:28 | 0:23:30 | |
We are, but it's all for a perfectly splendid cause, the Queen. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
-I'm happy to die for the Queen, sir. -Who isn't? | 0:23:33 | 0:23:36 | |
I'm not very happy to die for the Queen at all. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:39 | |
No, no, no, you'll be first over the top, Chalky. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
Maybe I can have some of this precious food. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:46 | |
-The onion ring. -Shall not pass! | 0:23:46 | 0:23:50 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
That was a close one. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:01 | |
Don't shoot me. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:02 | |
Oh, no, what did you call me? | 0:24:02 | 0:24:05 | |
AMERICAN: Come on darling, come on, we can all get along, can't we? | 0:24:05 | 0:24:09 | |
We can get along because here in high school | 0:24:09 | 0:24:12 | |
we all believe in love, having a great time | 0:24:12 | 0:24:15 | |
and dancing randomly like this. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:17 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:24:17 | 0:24:22 | |
Oh. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:23 | |
And then there were two, eh? Then there were two. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:27 | |
SHE CACKLES | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
This does nothing for me. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:32 | |
OK, thank you very much. Well done, everyone. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:35 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:24:35 | 0:24:36 | |
Right, now we're going to play a game called Sideways Scene. | 0:24:43 | 0:24:46 | |
This is for Pippa, Wayne and Jonathan, | 0:24:46 | 0:24:49 | |
and takes place in the special area behind the set. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
So Pippa, Wayne and Jonathan, if you'd like to head off and get ready, please. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:56 | |
Now, you three are going to perform a scene in different genres suggested by me. | 0:24:56 | 0:25:01 | |
The difference is you'll be doing it lying down on our magic mat. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:06 | |
We're going to relay the pictures to the audience on the screen. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:10 | |
The scenario... | 0:25:10 | 0:25:12 | |
The scenario is that Pippa is a housewife, | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
Jonathan is a vacuum cleaner salesman | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
and Wayne enters as his aggressive vacuum cleaner salesman rival. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:27 | |
So off you go. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
-Hi there. -Hi. -I notice that your rug is messy. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:36 | |
It's so embarrassing. Do you have anything that would clean it up really quickly? | 0:25:36 | 0:25:40 | |
This one really sucks. Let me show it to you. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
Oh, wow. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:44 | |
Actually the kitchen is better, if you wouldn't mind. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:50 | |
Oh. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:52 | |
You know what, let's just do it right here. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:54 | |
OK. Wow, that's... | 0:25:54 | 0:25:58 | |
-Some over here. -That really is good. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:00 | |
Yes, the place is spotless. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:02 | |
You're so much better than my husband. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:05 | |
-Oh, no. -Someone's at the door. I'll get it for you. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:08 | |
Hi, honey. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:15 | |
Lovely to see you. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:24 | |
Lovely to see you too. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:25 | |
I was just driving by and I thought to myself, that house looks like it needs a thorough vacuum | 0:26:25 | 0:26:30 | |
and I'm here to show you exactly how I get... | 0:26:30 | 0:26:33 | |
Hold on one second, yes? | 0:26:33 | 0:26:34 | |
I was just here selling the young lady a vacuum cleaner. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:37 | |
-Well, I planned on coming here and giving the lady a good vacuum cleaning. -Oh, yeah? | 0:26:37 | 0:26:41 | |
OK, can we change genre, please, to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:46 | |
I want both you men out of my house. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:26:51 | 0:26:54 | |
I shall clean your house. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
Clean it, clean down there now. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
Apparently we've got to get Wayne's thing back in. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
I'm worried that he might actually be dead. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:32 | |
OK, so can you change genre, please, to Spider-Man. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:36 | |
Clean this up. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:40 | |
Yeah, that's right, you both come in my house, manhandling my carpets. | 0:27:40 | 0:27:47 | |
Nobody does that to Spider-Man-Woman-Man. | 0:27:47 | 0:27:49 | |
Snip, snip. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:51 | |
OK, change genre again, please. | 0:27:51 | 0:27:53 | |
This time to Cirque de Soleil. | 0:27:53 | 0:27:56 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:01 | 0:28:04 | |
OK, thank you very much indeed. | 0:28:11 | 0:28:13 | |
Come on round. | 0:28:15 | 0:28:17 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:23 | 0:28:24 | |
Right, that's all we have time for tonight. | 0:28:28 | 0:28:31 | |
Thanks to Justin Edwards, | 0:28:31 | 0:28:34 | |
Pippa Evans, | 0:28:34 | 0:28:36 | |
Wayne Brady, | 0:28:36 | 0:28:39 | |
Jonathan Mangum, | 0:28:39 | 0:28:42 | |
Ruth Bratt | 0:28:42 | 0:28:44 | |
and David Reed. | 0:28:44 | 0:28:46 | |
And goodnight from me, Hugh Dennis. | 0:28:46 | 0:28:49 | |
See you next time we play Fast And Loose. | 0:28:49 | 0:28:51 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:58 | 0:29:01 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:29:01 | 0:29:04 |