Episode 3 Fast and Loose

For the next 15 seconds at least, you're watching Fast and Loose!

On the show tonight, he's just passed a late fitness test - Justin Edwards.

She's back and this time it's personal - Jess Ransom.

He ate the thinking woman's crumpet - Greg Davies.

He's the third tallest Humphrey of all time - Humphrey Ker.

He's your friend and mine, but more yours - David Armand.

And this week's charity competition winner - Marek Larwood.

And, finally, would you please welcome your host. A man who sounds a lot like me - Hugh Dennis!

Hello and welcome to the show. Tonight we'll be improvising scenes, sketches and TV spoofs

and picking our performers' brains, so let's play Fast and Loose!

To kick things off, let's play Speed Dating.

It's a game for all our performers, so all head over here. This is the part of the show

where they pretend to be single and desperate as they act out terrible things to say when speed dating.

So, if you're ready.

Off we go.

I-I've got GSOH,

which is a General Smell of Haddock. LAUGHTER

If you're looking for a fiery lover, you have come to the right place!

I have rubbed my genitals with jalapeno peppers. BUZZ

If I'm absolutely honest, I like boys AND girls. What are you?

You've got such amazing eyes.

I WANT THEM FOR MY COLLECTION!

BUZZ

People are always saying to me, "You're mad, you are!

"You're nuts! You're crazy! What the hell are you doing in my kitchen?"

I've got, uh, a full tub of Vaseline

and a half-shaven cat and my mum doesn't come back until Monday. BUZZ

I'm looking for someone warm and funny. Perhaps a recently-dead clown.

If I had to describe myself as an animal, I suppose I'm like an old Labrador.

You know, I dribble a bit and my erection looks like a pink lipstick.

Generally speaking, people I've been with on a date have complimented me on my impeccable manners.

I do have one unfortunate characteristic. I poo myself if I ever hear a buzzer.

BUZZ

So if you and I hit it off you'd be the first person I'd slept with that I wasn't related to!

I'm a little bit of a ladies man. By that I mean I'm a mid-op transsexual.

BUZZ

You know that song Three Times A Lady?

That's how I like them. Obese. BUZZ

I lost both my knees in a terrible skiing accident last year, but I seem to be coping fine.

-BUZZ

-Thank you very much!

Well done, everyone.

Now we come to the part of the show that I call Heckle.

I ask the performers to recall the very worst heckle they've had to contend with.

-Anyone?

-I, genuinely, when I was doing stand-up in Glasgow

got heckled with a line that I can't do justice. You can do Glaswegian.

-Yes.

-I'll tell you the line and you deliver it for me.

The line was, "Get off the stage. You are a six foot eight tower of steaming piss."

-GLASWEGIAN:

-Get off the stage! You're a 6'8" steaming tower of piss!

Anyone else?

I was performing in an arts centre in Devon

and they genuinely said, "You'll have to stop. No one knows who you are and we need to do the raffle."

-LAUGHTER

-Thank you!

Our next game is called Weak Links and this involves Justin, Jess, Greg and Humphrey.

If you'd like to get into position. This is, of course, our version of Anne Robinson's finest hour.

I will play the host, Anne. The rest of you are contestants.

To spice things up a bit, we'll give you a character to play.

Justin is a man writing a letter to Points of View.

Jess, you are characters from Downton Abbey.

-Greg is a scary French teacher.

-LAUGHTER

-Humphrey, you're trying to be street. So...

-LAUGHTER

So let's get on with the game.

Let's meet our contestants. Who are you and how are you?

I am disgusted of Tunbridge Wells and I am appalled by the filth, abuse and foreign people on the BBC.

-And you, how are you?

-Nobody's asked me a question directly before, sir.

I shouldn't even be up here. Mrs Patmore is going to kill me! You won't see me again.

And you, tall man?

LAUGHTER

I can stare longer than you.

And you, sir, at the end.

Yo! Word up, H-Fresh.

-Right...

-It's literally bare banging to be here.

-I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about.

-Me neither.

In the meantime, let's play Weak Links.

-The principal characters in the book Watership Down are what types of creature?

-Sorry, can you repeat it?

-The principal characters...

-Repeats! This is all we get on this channel! LAUGHTER

Over and over again.

You - what B is the cake covered in marzipan with the pink and cream coloured chequered inside?

You ghastly little man! How dare you ask a question!

The Lady Dowager does not play games!

What do you expect?

Next you'll find me dining in the pantry in the servants' quarters!

Disgusting! Oh...

You.

LAUGHTER

-What number US President is Barack...

-Silence!

Ecoutez!

Et repetez.

Ou est la chavelle?

-La chavelle?

-Oui, la chavelle.

Ou est la chavelle? LAUGHTER

Non! Elle est dans le jardin!

Which football club play at Craven Cottage - Craven Utd or Fulham?

Actually, I live there. It's Fulham.

I mean, yo, I don't know, dog. If it ain't Brixton, it ain't no...thing.

The answer is indeed Fulham. What fruit juice is in a pina colada?

Oh, once again, why oh why must I have the word penis repeatedly thrust down my throat

-on British television?

-I wasn't planning on thrusting my penis down your throat. You...

What would you famously find in the caves of Lascaux in France?

I know the answer to that question. And why shouldn't I?

Why shouldn't women know all answers to all questions as well as men?

I'm wearing trousers!

-You...

-Alors!

Question -

ou est le pamplemousse?

I ask the questions here.

Non! Ecoutez!

Ou est le pamplemousse? Oui, le pamplemousse est grand. Oui?

-Ou est le pamplemousse?

-In a minute...

-NON!

Il est dans le bibliotheque! LAUGHTER

Can you actually speak French?

Non!

In slang, if a pony is £25, how much is a monkey?

What? What?

No! Don't try to stop me! I will just keep going until you stop me talking!

-I'm afraid at the end of the round I've randomly decided to get rid of Greg. Goodbye.

-Zut alors!

Ah, mais... ou est le cochon?

Eh? Le petit cochon.

Eh?

C'est dans le...

C'est dans le...

..de patisserie.

Well, that's it from me.

Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now we come to the part of the show that I call Race Horse Name.

I ask the performers to imagine that they own a race horse and to come up with the best name for it. David?

Em, well, if I had a race horse, I'd probably just... name it after my mother.

And her name is Steel Bullet the Third.

Marek?

Well, I would name my race horse after my granddad.

So I would call it...Granddad.

LAUGHTER

-Justin?

-If I had a horse I would call it Pony Blair and I would have it shot.

Well, thank you very much.

Next we play a game called Interpretative Dance.

Taking part are Jess, Humphrey and David. David, come over here.

Humphrey, if you could get into position. Now the way this works is

we play a popular song and ask our interpretative dancer, David, to illustrate the lyrics

through the medium of dance. Jess and Humphrey will wear headphones and are unable to hear the music.

They have to guess the song and the artist purely from the mime.

I'll just check you can't hear me. Can you hear me? Right.

-Are you ready, David?

-I think so.

-Off we go.

INTRO PLAYS

PHIL COLLINS: # I need love, love Oh, to ease my mind

# Oh, and I need to find time

# Someone to call mine My mama said

# You can't hurry love No, you'll just have to wait

# She said love don't come easy It's a game of give and take

# You can't hurry love No, you'll just have to wait

# Just trust in the good times No matter how long it takes

# How many heartaches must I stand

# Before I find the love to let me live again

# The only thing that keeps me hanging on

# When I feel my strength Oh, it's almost gone

# I remember Mama said You can't hurry love

# No, you just have to wait She said love don't come easy

# It's a game of give and take

# How long must I wait

# How much more must I take

# Before loneliness

# Will cause my heart to break

# No I can't bear to live my life alone

# I've grown impatient for a love to call my own

# When I feel that I

# I can't go on

# Well, these precious words keep me hanging on

# I remember mama said You can't hurry love

# No, you just have to wait She said love don't come easy

# It's a game of give and take

# You can't hurry love No, you'll just have to wait

# Just trust in the good times No matter how long it takes

# And now break... #

CHEERING

So...

I know what it is. It's... I think I'm right that it's the popular Christmas carol

-O Come All Ye Faithful. Am I right?

-Very good.

Now then...

You? No... Run?

-Hurry?

-Yes!

-You...Can't Hurry Love!

Oh, well done!

-Pow!

-Thanks and thank you to David Armand!

Now we come to that part of the show I like to call Biggest Regret.

I try to find out a bit more about our performers by eliciting from them their biggest regret. Justin?

Er, leaving my DNA at the crime scene, Hugh. LAUGHTER

-Greg?

-My biggest regret was two bathrooms and a kitchen.

Sorry, that was re-grout.

Marek?

Um, aged seven, I chose to become a boy.

LAUGHTER

And, er, Humphrey?

My biggest regret, Hugh, is never giving my first girlfriend a good reason for why we should break up.

So now I'm married to her.

Thank you, everyone.

It's time now for an educational game we call Right Way, Wrong Way.

Humphrey, Justin, Jess and Greg, make your way over here, please.

They will show us the best and worst ways to behave in a job interview.

Greg and Jess, you'll show us the right way. Greg, you're the applicant and Jess the interviewer.

Humphrey and Justin, you'll show us the wrong way.

Justin's the applicant and Humphrey the interviewer. Right, let's start with greeting.

-Hello there, sir.

-Oh, hello. Thank you so much for seeing me. I'm really grateful.

-I've been an admirer of your company for 39 years.

-Wow. I'm pleased to see that.

And your CV is glowing. I'm pleased to welcome you.

It already feels, if you don't mind me saying, like home.

So that's the right way. Now Humphrey and Justin show us the wrong way.

Ah. Ohh. All right, Specs?

Who told you to sit down,

you piece of piss?

That's the wrong way. Now undergoing the interview is the next stage.

Jess maintains a relaxed atmosphere and Greg demonstrates his complete suitability for the vacancy.

LAUGHTER

You've got a lot of experience. What was your last job?

-I was the shoemaker.

-The shoemaker? Tell me some more about that.

-I call myself The Shoemaker, but I was one of four.

-So you like working as part of a team?

I very much like that, particularly if it is headed up by a woman.

So that's the right way, quite obviously.

Now Humphrey and Justin will show us the wrong way.

I brought you... Well, it's not really a CV. It's a page I've torn out of a porn mag, but...

-it does show you what I've been up to for the last few months.

-LAUGHTER

So that's the...

So that is...apparently the wrong way.

The final stage, of course, is finding out if you've been successful. Here's the right way.

See how Greg reacts with immense decorum and self-possession.

Well, with your background in shoemaking and your positive approach

you're definitely somebody we'd like to welcome into the family of our company. Congratulations.

-You're hired.

-Thank you so much. I'll be honest. My instinct is to kiss you passionately,

but that's inappropriate, so I will shake your hand and leave.

That's the right way. Now Humphrey and Justin are going to show us the wrong way.

Have I got it or what?

Not only have you not got it, but I've deported your family. LAUGHTER

That is the wrong way! Thank you very much.

Hey, everyone, it's party time. This is the part of the show where I chillax.

When the music stops, the performers have to say something pretentious.

So, em, cue the music.

PARTY MUSIC PLAYS

If I had to choose between truffle oil and oxygen... I'd choose truffle oil.

Well, cheesecloth keeps its shape, but hessian is that much more fragrant.

If I drive three nails through my dick,

I can make half a ladder.

LAUGHTER

Em...

We drank each other.

Disgusting, to be honest.

The other day I forgot my bag for life. I just cried right there in Waitrose!

AFRICAN CHANT

Or, as you probably call it. salad cream.

Thank you very much.

Right, our next game is Dragon's Lair, our version of a popular BBC2 business programme.

Humphrey and Jess are the judges. Come and join me.

The other performers will be showcasing their inventions. I will play the presenter.

David and Greg, it's time to impress the dragons.

This is your invention.

I don't know what that is.

So if you work out what it is and then pitch it to the dragons.

-Hello, dragons.

-Awright?

-My name is...Jeremy.

And my name's Steve and I have never met him before.

I was just walkin' doon the street and he just grabbed hold of us

and brought us in here. I have no idea why!

I don't like Geordies. I'm out.

-Funny you should say that.

-Keep going.

-You have rather stumbled upon what my device is.

This is my patented Geordie catcher.

As you know, it's perfectly unacceptable to find Geordies roaming the streets anywhere...

It's a joke, man! A joke, man.

-A joke!

-So...

-He's got so many bloody catchphrases.

-Ant and Dec!

See?

-Anywhere but Newcastle, they should be tethered.

-Me dad's Jimmy Nail!

-How does the device work?

-What's an acceptable way to behave at weddings?

-I think probably... just take out my pockets and...

-And I've got him! I've got him!

Cheryl Cole! Cheryl Cole, man!

And I've got him.

Cheryl...

Right, when you've actually... If you must, give him applause. If you must.

Now, Jeremy, what are the practical applications of a tethered Geordie?

-What can I use him for?

-Well...

-Sting!

-I'm sorry.

He shouldn't be able to speak by this point.

-So...

-Peter Beardsley!

-If you've got your Geordie fully tethered,

-it's really easy to take him outside and humanely destroy him.

-So, Dragons...

I only wear my pants when I go out in the snow, man!

-OK...

-You've cut off the blood from me face!

-Are you in or out, Humphrey?

-Kevin Keegan!

I'm out, I'm afraid. I like Geordies. They're quite like me.

Deborah? Are you in or out?

I would say that I am almost going to definitely say yes, but I would like you to branch out

-into some kind of tether for people from Birmingham.

-How do you feel that went?

-You, Greg, and Joe McElderry here. How are you...?

-Yeah?

Well, I personally am quite keen to quickly distance myself from this piece of improvisation

as I'm going to Newcastle next week! LAUGHTER

That's fantastic!

Thank you very much.

CHEERING

Now we move on to a game called Sideways Scene for Justin, Marek and our guest performer -

please welcome Pippa Evans!

Now off you go, please. This game takes place in the special area behind the set

and you will perform a scene in different genres suggested by me.

But you'll be doing it lying down on our magic mat.

We'll relay the pictures to the audience on the big screen.

Now the scenario is that Pippa is a bride having a dress fitted by designer Justin.

And her gangster fiance Marek comes to the door with a gunshot wound to the leg

because he's on the run from the police. So...

Nice and simple. If you're ready, off you go.

-Why don't you just stand on the chair and I'll measure it up?

-OK.

Just over there.

Yeah, just pop yourself on there.

-Whoo!

-I'll just...just kneel down.

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Maybe if you come up on the chair with me...

-Do you know what? I ought to check it from the other side.

-OK.

Yes, em...

-I do hope my husband isn't here!

-That's all right.

-So when is the wedding?

-Cor blimey! Them rozzers are on me tail!

There's blood pouring out my leg, so there is!

I'll get the door, shall I?

KNOCKING

Ohhh!

-Quick!

-I'm trying!

Quickly! Open the door.

Let me in!

Come in. Ooh!

-Goodness me.

-Oh, me leg!

-Watch out for them rozzers!

-Freeze! We're going to change the genre now to a poltergeist.

You've brought a malevolent spirit into the house!

Oooh! Oooh!

Aaaaieee!

It's possessed him!

I think I'm all right. No! Aaargh!

Ah!

Help me! Someone help me!

OK, freeze again, please. And change genre now to Jackie Chan.

-AS JACKIE CHAN:

-Don't ever mess with me again!

-Ooh!

-Wa-ha-ow!

Argh!

Freeze again, please. We're going to change genre to The Great Escape.

Quick, down here!

That's it. You can get over this fence on your motorbike.

Vroom! Vroom!

I've found a tunnel, chaps!

APPLAUSE

You're brilliant!

APPLAUSE

OK, freeze again, please, and now change genre to Transformers.

-MAKES ROBOT NOISES

-Let's dig her out of the ground.

I'm special hat bot.

LAUGHTER

This is the worst hat robot I've ever come across!

-Please, hat bot, no more!

-It's transocock!

OK, freeze again! And now we're going to go for King Kong.

-I've got you now!

-Aaaiee!

It's all right, bird. I'm in the helicopter.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Argh!

-Aaaiee!

Aaargh!

Thank you! Thank you very much!

Thank you to all of you. Come back now. Special thanks to Pippa Evans!

APPLAUSE

That's all we have time for tonight. Thanks to Justin Edwards, David Armand, Humphrey Ker,

Jess Ransom, Marek Larwood and Greg Davies.

And good night from me, Hugh Dennis. We'll see you next time we play Fast and Loose.

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2011

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