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Transcript
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This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:05 | |
-30 seconds to go - eBay is such a buzz! -We're on £17! Do we have £18? | 0:00:05 | 0:00:07 | |
-£18.25? £18.50?! -OK, do stop that. -I'm doing an auction. | 0:00:07 | 0:00:10 | |
£19! Yes, looking for £20 now. Yes, thank you, sir, Mr BeeGee74! | 0:00:10 | 0:00:15 | |
-Do we have £21? -I'm biding my time! -It's bidding, Tom, not biding! | 0:00:15 | 0:00:19 | |
-Bidding! -Then I pounce like a snake, like a business snake! -£22! 23! | 0:00:19 | 0:00:22 | |
Then 24! Oh, it's neck and neck! And look, it's BeeGee74 on the inside, | 0:00:22 | 0:00:26 | |
-steaming into first place! -I mean, that is horse racing! | 0:00:26 | 0:00:29 | |
-Oh, come on, 10 seconds left! Going once... -I lay the trap... | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
-..going twice! Just hurry up and BIDE! -..I coax them in... | 0:00:31 | 0:00:34 | |
-Going three times! -..and pounce! | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
THEY ROAR | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
-Ha-ha! -Sold! | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
GLASS SHATTERS, LAPTOP THUDS | 0:00:41 | 0:00:42 | |
-Maybe type in coffee table? -Yeah! | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
This is Flat News. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
JINGLE PLAYS | 0:00:53 | 0:00:55 | |
After our momentous eBay victory | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
7-10 working days ago, the package arrives today! | 0:00:59 | 0:01:03 | |
Naz Osmanoglu is waiting at the front door. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
Naz, what's the atmosphere like down there? | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
I don't know what that word means, Tom, | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
but the feeling down here is absolutely joyful. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:14 | |
People are queueing by the letterbox to catch | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
a glimpse of the package they all love and adore. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
This man's come all the way from his bedroom. Isn't that right? | 0:01:19 | 0:01:23 | |
Mm-hm! I've been sat staring at the door for the last five hours! | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
-Even though the e-mail said it would arrive between 10 and 6? -Yes! | 0:01:26 | 0:01:31 | |
I was keen to get a good spot. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
There's nothing weird about what I'm doing! | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
The stage is set, Tom. Where is the package? When will it arrive? | 0:01:35 | 0:01:39 | |
Will it be in a jiffy bag? | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
The bathroom door remains | 0:01:41 | 0:01:42 | |
without a handle on the inside, | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
after Naz destroyed it | 0:01:44 | 0:01:45 | |
trying to escape his own smell. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
Its latest victim? Third housemate Mikey. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
-BANGING ON DOOR -Guys? The door's stuck. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
-BANGING AND KNOCKING -Guys? Can you let me out, please? | 0:01:51 | 0:01:55 | |
-Guys? -Can you, er, turn it up? | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
In Lift Talk this morning, I help new next-door neighbour | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
and most beautiful girl in the world Sophie with her shopping. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:03 | |
I promise you, Sophie, it's not a problem! | 0:02:03 | 0:02:05 | |
-Tom, it's very kind, but really, you don't have to. -No, no! -Um... | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
Seriously, mate, just put 'em down. I've got it. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:11 | |
And finally, Naz is yet again | 0:02:11 | 0:02:13 | |
applying to be a contestant on Dragons' Den. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:16 | |
He joins us in the studio to discuss his latest invention - | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
the Swiss Army Hat. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
Naz, what the hell are you thinking? | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
Either Deborah Meaden, for her firm hand. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
Or Peter Jones, for his big head. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
-Surely an army would just wear helmets? -A valid point. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:30 | |
But does a helmet come with a foldout hacking saw? | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
Hungry? Whoops, it's a spork! | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
Lego man - just for me, really. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
And, on the back, emergency ham. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
You can also wear it as a handy ha... | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
Agh! ..hat! You can wear it as a hat. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
Thanks, Naz, who, for some reason, thinks this attempt to | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
get on Dragons' Den will fare better than his previous six failures. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:51 | |
Literally no point even filling in the form. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
No need to rub it in, mate! | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
Ah! How am I rubbing it in? | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is the Swiss Army crap doing on the plinth?! | 0:02:58 | 0:03:02 | |
-That is where the package is going! -Then where's my hat supposed to go?! | 0:03:02 | 0:03:05 | |
I don't care! A bonfire? The sea? | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
It's 200m water resistant, so it could live in the sea! | 0:03:07 | 0:03:09 | |
Stick with the bonfire! Just do not ruin my living room! | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
-It's my living room too! -I pay the mortgage. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
-BOTH: Shut up, Mikey! -You stinky little shit! | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
-Sort out the mail, please. -TOM IMITATES MIKEY | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
-Why are you wearing that? -Just to remind Naz he'll never get in my den. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
-It's not your den, you shit lizard! -MIKEY LAUGHS | 0:03:21 | 0:03:25 | |
-LAUGHTER STOPS -All right! | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
You named the plinth, I decide what goes on it! | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
It's not going to look good on Plinth George! | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
It's much better in the jungle, amongst the shrub! | 0:03:32 | 0:03:35 | |
It's not shrub, it's shrubs, and they're not shrubs, they're ferns! | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
And it's not going in front of my degree! | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
-Philosophy isn't a real degree. -Maybe, but... What is real? | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
-OK, this clearly isn't working. -Hmm. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
We should wait for the package to arrive before we decide I'm right. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
-HE SIGHS: -What are we going to do for the next six hours? | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
I don't know. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
Just wait, I guess. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
PARODY OF BIG BROTHER THEME | 0:03:57 | 0:04:00 | |
-GEORDIE ACCENT: -'It's 10.45am in the Big Flat, | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
'and housemates are waiting for the package.' | 0:04:09 | 0:04:12 | |
I'm bored! | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
-Is that helping? -No. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
-I'm so bored! -You don't have to keep saying you're bored. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
-I understand you're bored. -Yeah, but I'm bored. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:24 | |
I'm bored! | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
'11.50am.' | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
HORN TOOTS | 0:04:33 | 0:04:35 | |
Stop it! | 0:04:35 | 0:04:36 | |
Agh! Ah! Aa-a-agh! | 0:04:39 | 0:04:41 | |
No cock shots! No cock shots! | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
That's Jenga! | 0:04:50 | 0:04:51 | |
'It's 2.54pm, and housemates | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
'are STILL waiting for the package.' | 0:04:56 | 0:04:59 | |
Oh? Oh, what...? | 0:04:59 | 0:05:00 | |
What the hell are you doing?! What the hell are you doing?! | 0:05:00 | 0:05:03 | |
-I'm playing with my Lego man! -Eugh, is that a euphemism? | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
No, it's a type of toy, Tom! | 0:05:06 | 0:05:08 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
The package! | 0:05:11 | 0:05:13 | |
-It's going on the plinth! -It's going in the jungle! -No! | 0:05:13 | 0:05:15 | |
Oh! Agh! No! | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
SWISS ARMY HAT RATTLES, TOM YELLS | 0:05:18 | 0:05:22 | |
Is that a pizza cutter?! | 0:05:22 | 0:05:24 | |
-Eugh! -Whoop-dee-doo! | 0:05:24 | 0:05:26 | |
MAN OUTSIDE: Ow! | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
Package! Package! | 0:05:30 | 0:05:31 | |
-Oh! -So, I've come to talk about the bollard situation. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:35 | |
-What? -I have complained to the council, | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
but apparently, I'm the one with the attitude problem. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
-Mmm. -Sure, don't know what you're talking about. -So, what's your goss? | 0:05:40 | 0:05:43 | |
Er, what? Oh, just coming, Tom. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
Are you excited for Sophie's party? | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
-Huh? -Sophie's party tonight. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
Here. Yeah, she's, er, going to be serving vodka. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:55 | |
Apparently, it's a type of Russian beer! | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
Ah, I don't think I was actually invited. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:01 | |
Oh? | 0:06:01 | 0:06:02 | |
Oh, no! What, you didn't get an invite? Oh, that's awkward! | 0:06:02 | 0:06:06 | |
Oh... That is awkward. I... (I can hardly speak.) | 0:06:06 | 0:06:11 | |
Why's she done that, do you think? Quite a sophisticated event. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
I mean, you know, I think maybe she thought you're a bit childish? | 0:06:14 | 0:06:18 | |
Anyway, I'm really excited, | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
because, the last time I went to a party, er, there was a cat, | 0:06:20 | 0:06:24 | |
and it had a furball, and I had to give it mouth-to-mouth. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
-It just popped out the other end, which was the weird bit! -OK! | 0:06:26 | 0:06:29 | |
-Well, good luck with the bollard. -I'm sorry you didn't get invited | 0:06:29 | 0:06:32 | |
to the party. Will I save you a wee bit of cake? | 0:06:32 | 0:06:35 | |
Sophie didn't invite me to her party, cos she thinks I'm childish! | 0:06:35 | 0:06:38 | |
-Oh, sorry, mate. -This is your fault! | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
YOU'RE a child and I've been tarred with the same brush! | 0:06:40 | 0:06:43 | |
-Ha! You said "tard"! -Case in point! You will never get on the Den! | 0:06:43 | 0:06:46 | |
Oh, you will see me on Dragons' Den! It is my dens-tiny! | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
I can go to a sophisticated event! I'm an adult! | 0:06:49 | 0:06:52 | |
-I've got a library! -When have you ever read any of these? | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
-At least I've read some books! -I've read loads of book! | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
Connect 4 instructions do not count! | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
"Oh, I'm Tom! I like to flick through the dog-eared pages of..." | 0:06:59 | 0:07:02 | |
-Whoops! It's never been opened! -Oh, it's on my list! -You're a fake! | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
Well, I think you're just jealous of how mature and cultured I am. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:07 | |
Oh, yeah! I know how cultured you think you are! | 0:07:07 | 0:07:10 | |
Hi! I'm Tom Rosenthal, philosopher, book reader, wanker! | 0:07:16 | 0:07:22 | |
As a wanker, I like to laze about all day, scoffing Haribo | 0:07:22 | 0:07:26 | |
and watching repeats of SpongeBob in my pants! | 0:07:26 | 0:07:30 | |
But when I hear my flatmates arriving, I quickly switch | 0:07:30 | 0:07:33 | |
to BBC Four and pretend to be watching a documentary about canals. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:39 | |
Like many wankers, naturally, I framed my own graduation photograph. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:43 | |
But eagle-eyed viewers will notice that my non-wanker housemate | 0:07:44 | 0:07:48 | |
has brilliantly and artistically drawn cocks upon't. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:53 | |
What the hell?! | 0:07:53 | 0:07:54 | |
Yeah? Well, joke's on you! | 0:07:54 | 0:07:56 | |
Because I've got another ten copies for my friends and family | 0:07:56 | 0:07:59 | |
-and, due to low uptake, I have... ten spares. -Oh, yes, I know. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
-Oh... -Eugh! -..look how happy he is holding his cock! | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
Mummy will be so proud! | 0:08:05 | 0:08:06 | |
Hang on, I missed a bollock on that one. Where's my hat sharpie? | 0:08:06 | 0:08:10 | |
Where's my awesome hat? Little hat lad? | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
Hmm, maybe it blew away, after I threw it out the window with my hand. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
Anyway, it does free up the plinth. NAZ GASPS | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
How am I supposed to cut peaches and do grouting now?! | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
Oh, that package is NEVER going on George! | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
I decide what goes on the Fresh Plinth of Bel-Air! | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
-That is not his name! -I changed it! It's my plinth and my living room! | 0:08:24 | 0:08:27 | |
-Well, technically, I own... -BOTH: Oh, shut up, Mikey! | 0:08:27 | 0:08:30 | |
'An unhappy Tom | 0:08:33 | 0:08:34 | |
'has come to the Diary Room.' | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
-MAN: -Hello, Tom. -Hello, Big Flat. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:39 | |
So, how are you feeling today, Tom? | 0:08:39 | 0:08:41 | |
It's like living with a bearded toddler! | 0:08:41 | 0:08:43 | |
Sophie thinks I'm childish and it's his fault! HE'S the child! | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
-Didn't you throw his hat out the window? -What's your point? Shut up! | 0:08:46 | 0:08:50 | |
The package is going on that plinth! If Naz was allowed | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
to make decisions, this place would literally fall apart! | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
I'm thinking about smashing up his bookcase next, | 0:08:55 | 0:08:57 | |
then I'll eat his books! Then, a few hours later, | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
I'll poo myself some qualifications! Who's the philosopher now, Tom? | 0:08:59 | 0:09:03 | |
-You're keeping something from Tom, aren't you, Naz? -Yeah. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:06 | |
I actually was invited to Sophie's party. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:10 | |
It was only Tom who wasn't. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
-'Are you planning to tell him? -No! He's my best mate.' | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
It would...it would kill him. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:18 | |
BOTTLE CLINKS | 0:09:18 | 0:09:19 | |
-NAZ SIGHS: -'Look, all I really want' | 0:09:19 | 0:09:21 | |
is for Tom to take me seriously. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:24 | |
I was really proud of my Swiss Army Hat! It was all mine! | 0:09:24 | 0:09:28 | |
Apart from the 20% equity I was going to give to | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
Peter "Big Head" Jones, but Tom... | 0:09:30 | 0:09:33 | |
HE SIGHS DEEPLY | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
All I want is his respect. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:37 | |
HE GRUNTS THEN FARTS | 0:09:40 | 0:09:41 | |
Naz? You in there, mate? | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
Hey, mate, look, I'm sorry about earlier. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
Hey! He...! | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
HEY! | 0:09:49 | 0:09:50 | |
'Tom has locked Naz in the Diary Room, | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
'so he can prepare the display plinth for the package.' | 0:09:53 | 0:09:57 | |
HE WHISTLES TO HIMSELF | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:10:03 | 0:10:04 | |
EXCITED GIGGLES | 0:10:06 | 0:10:07 | |
-I didn't order a pizza. -Let him out. -Oh, what? | 0:10:10 | 0:10:13 | |
You think, just cos you're bigger than me, I'll do what you say? | 0:10:13 | 0:10:16 | |
-Why are you letting people lock you in the toilet? -Cos I'm an idiot! | 0:10:16 | 0:10:19 | |
Would an idiot invent this? | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
-All right, mate! -Yeah! -How'd you know this belongs to me?! | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
Cos you've written "mine" on the little man. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
-HE LAUGHS -Only you would do that! | 0:10:28 | 0:10:30 | |
-Well, it IS mine. -Crazy features on this hat. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
-Did you see the emergency luncheon meat? -Game changer! | 0:10:33 | 0:10:36 | |
But Tom doesn't think it'll get on Dragons' Den. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
You've got original ideas, man! | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
The inventor's calling is to see things what other people don't see. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:44 | |
-Like a little man on a hat! -Like a little man on a hat. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:46 | |
But Tom doesn't think I should even fill out the application form! | 0:10:46 | 0:10:49 | |
Believe in your ideas! | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
HE SNIFFS | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
-You smell that? -The ham? -No! Originality! | 0:10:53 | 0:10:57 | |
But it's nothing if you ain't got faith! | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
You think, like, Leonardo da Vinci quit every time he felt like a plum? | 0:10:59 | 0:11:03 | |
He's like, "No, no, I ain't no plum! | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
"I'm going to da Vinci the shit out of this self-propelled car | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
"and, afterwards, I might draw me a man with loads of arms!" | 0:11:09 | 0:11:13 | |
Trust me! | 0:11:14 | 0:11:15 | |
You're going to be a world-famous inventor. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
A millionaire, living on a beach in Brazil. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:22 | |
-A Brazilian-aire! -Exactly! | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
Take this Hawaiian. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
The man who invented this - people laughed at him! | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
Putting ham and pineapple together! | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
His own mother slapped him! Now, he probably owns Hawaii. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:36 | |
-A Hawaiian-aire! -OK, that doesn't work with all the countries. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:40 | |
Go and fill out that Dragons' Den application. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:43 | |
And where it says name, don't write "mine". | 0:11:43 | 0:11:46 | |
Thanks, Carl. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:52 | |
-Oh, the hat's back. What, is it a boomerang as well? -Ha-ha(!) | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
No-one ever thought this pizza would work! | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
Oh, you got a Hawaiian? Eugh, rank-oh! | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
-I'm not stupid, Tom! I'm going to be a Brazilian-aire in...Hawaii! -Huh?! | 0:12:04 | 0:12:09 | |
It means I'm a brilliant inventor! | 0:12:09 | 0:12:10 | |
-Oh, what, like Alexander Graham Bell-End? -Yeah! | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
-Benjamin Wank-lin? -Exactly! I could be any one of those guys... -That's not their names! | 0:12:13 | 0:12:17 | |
-My inventions are not stupid! -Are you sure? Are you sure? | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
This is Naz's 50 Stupidest Inventions! | 0:12:23 | 0:12:27 | |
At 50, Naz's easy snack snacking slippers! | 0:12:27 | 0:12:30 | |
-STRONG ESSEX ACCENT: -When he's watching TV, Naz is so lazy! | 0:12:30 | 0:12:33 | |
Like he don't even get up to go tinkle! | 0:12:33 | 0:12:35 | |
-POSH ACCENT: -He is just such a lazy-poo! Lazy-kins! Just lays there | 0:12:35 | 0:12:39 | |
like a big old lazy-boo-boo! | 0:12:39 | 0:12:40 | |
-SCOTTISH ACCENT: -Naz is lazier than my metabolism. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
But he is always snacking! Oh, little piggy! | 0:12:43 | 0:12:46 | |
-HE SNORTS -You know, crisps, nachos! | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
And prawns! And Chinese people's food! | 0:12:48 | 0:12:52 | |
So he's got some slippers... | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
And sort of, like, you know like a fly squatter? | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
..and a flyswatter. | 0:12:57 | 0:12:58 | |
What? Swatter? Ha! I got it... Sorry, like... | 0:12:58 | 0:13:02 | |
-FlySWATTER! Sorry! -GIGGLING | 0:13:02 | 0:13:04 | |
And he sort of attached them. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
What have you made now?! That is laughably poor! | 0:13:06 | 0:13:09 | |
So, like, fly squatter... Squatter?! Swatter, sorry! Ha-ha! | 0:13:09 | 0:13:13 | |
And he sort of flicks the nachos into his mooth. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:17 | |
Like a kind of Dorito pelican. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
Ugh! Agh! | 0:13:19 | 0:13:20 | |
It's weird. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:22 | |
-Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. -Ha-ha! | 0:13:22 | 0:13:25 | |
You don't belong on Dragons' Den! | 0:13:25 | 0:13:26 | |
You don't even belong in the bit with the weird little troll guy! | 0:13:26 | 0:13:29 | |
Well, at least I have an invite to Sophie's party! | 0:13:29 | 0:13:32 | |
-What? -And you don't have one, because she thinks you're childish! | 0:13:32 | 0:13:36 | |
-She invited you? -Yeah! | 0:13:36 | 0:13:37 | |
-So who's the child now? Hmm? -Oi! -Who's the child now, Tom?! | 0:13:37 | 0:13:41 | |
Who's the child now?! | 0:13:41 | 0:13:42 | |
Come back! We're going to talk about this now! | 0:13:44 | 0:13:46 | |
No, don't shut the... DOOR SLAMS | 0:13:46 | 0:13:48 | |
..door! | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
-HE SIGHS: You've locked us in! -No. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
'Naz has locked them in the toilet.' | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
The package! | 0:13:57 | 0:13:58 | |
-HEY! -Hey! We're in here! -Hey! Just leave it! -Just leave it there! | 0:13:58 | 0:14:02 | |
-Don't go... -DOORBELL RINGS | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
BOTH: HEY! | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
Leave it! Just leave... Leave it! | 0:14:06 | 0:14:09 | |
-BOTH SOBBING Leave it! -Oh, no! -No! | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
-No! -No! -No! -No! HE SOBS LOUDLY: -No! No! Ah! | 0:14:12 | 0:14:17 | |
NAZ WAILS | 0:14:17 | 0:14:19 | |
This is Flat News. It is with great sadness I must inform you | 0:14:21 | 0:14:26 | |
that, only minutes ago, the package has passed. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:31 | |
We now go live to the front door, | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
where mourners are gathering to pay their respects. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:36 | |
Sorry, Naz Osmanoglu doesn't appear to be there, | 0:14:37 | 0:14:40 | |
because he's locked us in the fucking toilet! | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
-How are you, Naz? -Not great. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:49 | |
We've been here for ages and Tom's not really saying anything. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:53 | |
(I think he's upset!) | 0:14:54 | 0:14:55 | |
I can hear you! | 0:14:55 | 0:14:57 | |
(I think he can hear me!) | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
-Oh, my God, it's Mike! -Where? -I thought he was at work? | 0:14:59 | 0:15:03 | |
Sophie's Periscoping from her party! | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
Oh, that stinky shitty little shit! | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
He got an invite - Mike! How is he an adult? | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
He just got a job. And a suit. And a flat! | 0:15:11 | 0:15:13 | |
Yeah, he's still a stinky little shit! | 0:15:13 | 0:15:16 | |
-MUSIC PLAYS, PEOPLE CHATTER MIKE: -Woohoo! | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
HE SWITCHES VIDEO OFF | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
I mean, Sophie's right. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
I AM a child. I'm wearing a dragon onesie | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
and I've just been sat in the bathtub pretending to do the news! | 0:15:24 | 0:15:27 | |
Hey, mate, at least you've had a bath this week - | 0:15:27 | 0:15:29 | |
that's pretty sophisticated! | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
If Sophie can't see that, she's the one who's missing out! | 0:15:31 | 0:15:34 | |
Just like BeeGee74! | 0:15:34 | 0:15:36 | |
-What, that sucker on eBay? -Ha, yeah! | 0:15:36 | 0:15:39 | |
We auctioned that guy big time! | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
Yeah, that's not really what you say, but...we did. Ha! | 0:15:41 | 0:15:45 | |
Yeah. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
Maybe I should read more book. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
Are my inventions stupid? | 0:15:52 | 0:15:54 | |
Nah! They... Listen, I've read lots of books, lots of books, | 0:15:56 | 0:16:01 | |
but I've never invented anything. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
You know what? I take it back. You keep going. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
-You'll definitely get on the Den. -Thanks, man. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:09 | |
-Tell you what - why don't you take me through the hat again? -Oh, yeah! | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
All right, so on the underside, you've got your basics - | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
your scissors, your pomegranate deseeder, then, going anticlockwise | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
from there, you've got your device for opening jammed doors, | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
-this is for whittling wood... -Opening jammed doors? | 0:16:23 | 0:16:27 | |
Yeah, you're right - it's probably a bit unnecessary. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:29 | |
We'll remove it before we go into full production. | 0:16:29 | 0:16:32 | |
You're a genius! | 0:16:32 | 0:16:33 | |
Oh! | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
Mission success! | 0:16:36 | 0:16:37 | |
In a way. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
Yeah, it's Mikey's flat. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:41 | |
-He can pay for it. -Yeah! | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
Oh? | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
We missed you more, DHL! | 0:16:45 | 0:16:48 | |
We missed you more. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
-You should probably throw that away now. -Yeah. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
I think I'll go and throw this away...in my room. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
Oh... | 0:17:00 | 0:17:01 | |
-Is it the package? -No, it's Aoife. -Eugh! | 0:17:01 | 0:17:04 | |
My feet are sweating. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:05 | |
Um...what do you want? | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
Don't worry. The party's not that fun. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:10 | |
-UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER -Ha! That's Michael! | 0:17:10 | 0:17:14 | |
That boy is a riot! | 0:17:14 | 0:17:16 | |
Anyway, this got delivered to Sophie's house, | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
so I thought I would bring it over. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:22 | |
Oh, my God! The package! | 0:17:22 | 0:17:24 | |
-It's a book, is it? -Er, no, no, not a book. -Imagine, right... | 0:17:24 | 0:17:28 | |
-SHE HICCUPS -Imagine a giant book. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
Jesus, you'd never get that through the letterbox, would you?! | 0:17:30 | 0:17:33 | |
SHE LAUGHS Um...you enjoyed the vodka, then? | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
What? No, I don't drink. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:38 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:17:38 | 0:17:40 | |
-Oh? -What did she want? -Er, nothing! | 0:17:45 | 0:17:48 | |
Um... | 0:17:50 | 0:17:51 | |
Was she going on about the party? | 0:17:51 | 0:17:53 | |
Er, yeah, yeah, yeah! Boring, mate. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
-HE THROWS IT AWAY -Any good stories? Shall I come down? | 0:17:57 | 0:18:00 | |
No, no, no, no, no! All good, all good! | 0:18:00 | 0:18:03 | |
OK. | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
I'll just be playing with my Lego man. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
Eugh! | 0:18:10 | 0:18:11 | |
Hey, mate. Just finished my application form for Dragons' Den. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
How do you spell "mine"? | 0:18:17 | 0:18:19 | |
Oh... | 0:18:21 | 0:18:22 | |
It came. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:23 | |
It came. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
It looks amazing on the plinth. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:30 | |
It's so much better on Plinth George! I mean... Ha! | 0:18:30 | 0:18:33 | |
-Good job, man, you've got such a good eye for... -Thanks, mate. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
What? | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
Hmm? | 0:18:38 | 0:18:39 | |
-Er... -You broke my hat? -Yeah. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
Er, it's just, I was putting it up and it went, you know, agh... | 0:18:42 | 0:18:46 | |
-You piece of shit! -I... | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
-You destroyed my dream! -Your dreams were flimsily constructed. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:52 | |
-OK, it's definitely not going here now! -Don't take it off! -Grr! -NO! | 0:18:52 | 0:18:56 | |
-His feet! -That's your fault. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:58 | |
-He's going in the thicket, where he belongs! -Naz! | 0:18:58 | 0:19:01 | |
Don't do anything stupid, or the hat dies! | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
-Don't do it, Tom! -I will cut your Lego man's head off! | 0:19:03 | 0:19:06 | |
Whoa! | 0:19:06 | 0:19:09 | |
-Be cool. -You be cool! | 0:19:09 | 0:19:10 | |
-Let's just talk about this like adults. -I'm talking! Let's talk! | 0:19:10 | 0:19:14 | |
-No-one else has to get hurt. -Oh, yeah? | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
-Ha! -Er... -TOM LAUGHS | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
-Not his hat! -You've got something I want, I've got something you want. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:23 | |
-OK, come on, we'll do an exchange. -OK. -OK, on three. -No funny business. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:27 | |
-One... -One... | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
-..two... -..two... | 0:19:29 | 0:19:31 | |
-..three! -Ah! BOTH SHOUT | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
ARGH! | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
-Ah! Oh! You decapitated him! -You destroyed my hat! | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
TOM WHIMPERS You've got cardboard on your hands! | 0:19:38 | 0:19:41 | |
THEY GRUNT AND ROAR | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
Ha-ha! You know what's coming now, boy! | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
-Not the face! -Ha-ha! -Not the face! | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
You draw a cock on my face, I'll draw a cock on yours! | 0:19:49 | 0:19:52 | |
Oh, look at the little balls! Look at the little balls! Ha-ha! | 0:19:52 | 0:19:56 | |
Who's the child now?! | 0:19:56 | 0:19:57 | |
-Guys? -What? Sophie! | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
This is... | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
And at Number 1, Tom draws a cock on Naz's face | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
whilst dressed as a dragon! | 0:20:06 | 0:20:09 | |
Er, I was just seeing if you were coming to my party. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:12 | |
-Er, well, I wasn't invited. -Everyone was. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:16 | |
Er, not me. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:17 | |
Well, your invite's right here. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
Um, but I can see that you guys are busy, so I'll just... | 0:20:20 | 0:20:24 | |
No! No, no, no! ONESIE TEARS | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
-TOM SCREAMS -Um... | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
HE GIBBERS | 0:20:29 | 0:20:31 | |
Is that your package? | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
NERVOUS LAUGHTER | 0:20:35 | 0:20:36 | |
NAZ LAUGHS | 0:20:41 | 0:20:42 | |
BOTH SCREAM | 0:20:42 | 0:20:44 | |
NEWS JINGLE PLAYS | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
'Coming up, toilet door problems escalate...' | 0:20:47 | 0:20:51 | |
-Please don't watch. -Probably watch? -We should watch. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:54 | |
'..Naz invents popcorn trousers...' | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
YEAH! | 0:20:56 | 0:20:58 | |
'..flatmates finally sort the mail...' | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
'..and our auction rival makes contact.' | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
It's just... You know, I would've really liked that cut-out. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:11 | |
This is Flat News. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 |