The Package Flat TV


The Package

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

0:00:020:00:05

-30 seconds to go - eBay is such a buzz!

-We're on £17! Do we have £18?

0:00:050:00:07

-£18.25? £18.50?!

-OK, do stop that.

-I'm doing an auction.

0:00:070:00:10

£19! Yes, looking for £20 now. Yes, thank you, sir, Mr BeeGee74!

0:00:100:00:15

-Do we have £21?

-I'm biding my time!

-It's bidding, Tom, not biding!

0:00:150:00:19

-Bidding!

-Then I pounce like a snake, like a business snake!

-£22! 23!

0:00:190:00:22

Then 24! Oh, it's neck and neck! And look, it's BeeGee74 on the inside,

0:00:220:00:26

-steaming into first place!

-I mean, that is horse racing!

0:00:260:00:29

-Oh, come on, 10 seconds left! Going once...

-I lay the trap...

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-..going twice! Just hurry up and BIDE!

-..I coax them in...

0:00:310:00:34

-Going three times!

-..and pounce!

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THEY ROAR

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-Ha-ha!

-Sold!

0:00:390:00:41

GLASS SHATTERS, LAPTOP THUDS

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-Maybe type in coffee table?

-Yeah!

0:00:430:00:45

This is Flat News.

0:00:510:00:53

JINGLE PLAYS

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After our momentous eBay victory

0:00:570:00:59

7-10 working days ago, the package arrives today!

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Naz Osmanoglu is waiting at the front door.

0:01:030:01:05

Naz, what's the atmosphere like down there?

0:01:050:01:07

I don't know what that word means, Tom,

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but the feeling down here is absolutely joyful.

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People are queueing by the letterbox to catch

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a glimpse of the package they all love and adore.

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This man's come all the way from his bedroom. Isn't that right?

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Mm-hm! I've been sat staring at the door for the last five hours!

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-Even though the e-mail said it would arrive between 10 and 6?

-Yes!

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I was keen to get a good spot.

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There's nothing weird about what I'm doing!

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The stage is set, Tom. Where is the package? When will it arrive?

0:01:350:01:39

Will it be in a jiffy bag?

0:01:390:01:41

The bathroom door remains

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without a handle on the inside,

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after Naz destroyed it

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trying to escape his own smell.

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Its latest victim? Third housemate Mikey.

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-BANGING ON DOOR

-Guys? The door's stuck.

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-BANGING AND KNOCKING

-Guys? Can you let me out, please?

0:01:510:01:55

-Guys?

-Can you, er, turn it up?

0:01:550:01:57

In Lift Talk this morning, I help new next-door neighbour

0:01:570:02:00

and most beautiful girl in the world Sophie with her shopping.

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I promise you, Sophie, it's not a problem!

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-Tom, it's very kind, but really, you don't have to.

-No, no!

-Um...

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Seriously, mate, just put 'em down. I've got it.

0:02:080:02:11

And finally, Naz is yet again

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applying to be a contestant on Dragons' Den.

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He joins us in the studio to discuss his latest invention -

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the Swiss Army Hat.

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Naz, what the hell are you thinking?

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Either Deborah Meaden, for her firm hand.

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Or Peter Jones, for his big head.

0:02:250:02:27

-Surely an army would just wear helmets?

-A valid point.

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But does a helmet come with a foldout hacking saw?

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Hungry? Whoops, it's a spork!

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Lego man - just for me, really.

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And, on the back, emergency ham.

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You can also wear it as a handy ha...

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Agh! ..hat! You can wear it as a hat.

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Thanks, Naz, who, for some reason, thinks this attempt to

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get on Dragons' Den will fare better than his previous six failures.

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Literally no point even filling in the form.

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No need to rub it in, mate!

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Ah! How am I rubbing it in?

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Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is the Swiss Army crap doing on the plinth?!

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-That is where the package is going!

-Then where's my hat supposed to go?!

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I don't care! A bonfire? The sea?

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It's 200m water resistant, so it could live in the sea!

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Stick with the bonfire! Just do not ruin my living room!

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-It's my living room too!

-I pay the mortgage.

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-BOTH: Shut up, Mikey!

-You stinky little shit!

0:03:130:03:15

-Sort out the mail, please.

-TOM IMITATES MIKEY

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-Why are you wearing that?

-Just to remind Naz he'll never get in my den.

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-It's not your den, you shit lizard!

-MIKEY LAUGHS

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-LAUGHTER STOPS

-All right!

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You named the plinth, I decide what goes on it!

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It's not going to look good on Plinth George!

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It's much better in the jungle, amongst the shrub!

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It's not shrub, it's shrubs, and they're not shrubs, they're ferns!

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And it's not going in front of my degree!

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-Philosophy isn't a real degree.

-Maybe, but... What is real?

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-OK, this clearly isn't working.

-Hmm.

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We should wait for the package to arrive before we decide I'm right.

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-HE SIGHS:

-What are we going to do for the next six hours?

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I don't know.

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Just wait, I guess.

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PARODY OF BIG BROTHER THEME

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-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-'It's 10.45am in the Big Flat,

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'and housemates are waiting for the package.'

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I'm bored!

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-Is that helping?

-No.

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-I'm so bored!

-You don't have to keep saying you're bored.

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-I understand you're bored.

-Yeah, but I'm bored.

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I'm bored!

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'11.50am.'

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HORN TOOTS

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Stop it!

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Agh! Ah! Aa-a-agh!

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No cock shots! No cock shots!

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That's Jenga!

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'It's 2.54pm, and housemates

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'are STILL waiting for the package.'

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Oh? Oh, what...?

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What the hell are you doing?! What the hell are you doing?!

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-I'm playing with my Lego man!

-Eugh, is that a euphemism?

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No, it's a type of toy, Tom!

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DOORBELL RINGS

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The package!

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-It's going on the plinth!

-It's going in the jungle!

-No!

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Oh! Agh! No!

0:05:160:05:18

SWISS ARMY HAT RATTLES, TOM YELLS

0:05:180:05:22

Is that a pizza cutter?!

0:05:220:05:24

-Eugh!

-Whoop-dee-doo!

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MAN OUTSIDE: Ow!

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Package! Package!

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-Oh!

-So, I've come to talk about the bollard situation.

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-What?

-I have complained to the council,

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but apparently, I'm the one with the attitude problem.

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-Mmm.

-Sure, don't know what you're talking about.

-So, what's your goss?

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Er, what? Oh, just coming, Tom.

0:05:430:05:45

Are you excited for Sophie's party?

0:05:450:05:48

-Huh?

-Sophie's party tonight.

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Here. Yeah, she's, er, going to be serving vodka.

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Apparently, it's a type of Russian beer!

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Ah, I don't think I was actually invited.

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Oh?

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Oh, no! What, you didn't get an invite? Oh, that's awkward!

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Oh... That is awkward. I... (I can hardly speak.)

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Why's she done that, do you think? Quite a sophisticated event.

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I mean, you know, I think maybe she thought you're a bit childish?

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Anyway, I'm really excited,

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because, the last time I went to a party, er, there was a cat,

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and it had a furball, and I had to give it mouth-to-mouth.

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-It just popped out the other end, which was the weird bit!

-OK!

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-Well, good luck with the bollard.

-I'm sorry you didn't get invited

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to the party. Will I save you a wee bit of cake?

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Sophie didn't invite me to her party, cos she thinks I'm childish!

0:06:350:06:38

-Oh, sorry, mate.

-This is your fault!

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YOU'RE a child and I've been tarred with the same brush!

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-Ha! You said "tard"!

-Case in point! You will never get on the Den!

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Oh, you will see me on Dragons' Den! It is my dens-tiny!

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I can go to a sophisticated event! I'm an adult!

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-I've got a library!

-When have you ever read any of these?

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-At least I've read some books!

-I've read loads of book!

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Connect 4 instructions do not count!

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"Oh, I'm Tom! I like to flick through the dog-eared pages of..."

0:06:590:07:02

-Whoops! It's never been opened!

-Oh, it's on my list!

-You're a fake!

0:07:020:07:05

Well, I think you're just jealous of how mature and cultured I am.

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Oh, yeah! I know how cultured you think you are!

0:07:070:07:10

Hi! I'm Tom Rosenthal, philosopher, book reader, wanker!

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As a wanker, I like to laze about all day, scoffing Haribo

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and watching repeats of SpongeBob in my pants!

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But when I hear my flatmates arriving, I quickly switch

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to BBC Four and pretend to be watching a documentary about canals.

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Like many wankers, naturally, I framed my own graduation photograph.

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But eagle-eyed viewers will notice that my non-wanker housemate

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has brilliantly and artistically drawn cocks upon't.

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What the hell?!

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Yeah? Well, joke's on you!

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Because I've got another ten copies for my friends and family

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-and, due to low uptake, I have... ten spares.

-Oh, yes, I know.

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-Oh...

-Eugh!

-..look how happy he is holding his cock!

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Mummy will be so proud!

0:08:050:08:06

Hang on, I missed a bollock on that one. Where's my hat sharpie?

0:08:060:08:10

Where's my awesome hat? Little hat lad?

0:08:100:08:12

Hmm, maybe it blew away, after I threw it out the window with my hand.

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Anyway, it does free up the plinth. NAZ GASPS

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How am I supposed to cut peaches and do grouting now?!

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Oh, that package is NEVER going on George!

0:08:200:08:22

I decide what goes on the Fresh Plinth of Bel-Air!

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-That is not his name!

-I changed it! It's my plinth and my living room!

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-Well, technically, I own...

-BOTH: Oh, shut up, Mikey!

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'An unhappy Tom

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'has come to the Diary Room.'

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-MAN:

-Hello, Tom.

-Hello, Big Flat.

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So, how are you feeling today, Tom?

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It's like living with a bearded toddler!

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Sophie thinks I'm childish and it's his fault! HE'S the child!

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-Didn't you throw his hat out the window?

-What's your point? Shut up!

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The package is going on that plinth! If Naz was allowed

0:08:500:08:52

to make decisions, this place would literally fall apart!

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I'm thinking about smashing up his bookcase next,

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then I'll eat his books! Then, a few hours later,

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I'll poo myself some qualifications! Who's the philosopher now, Tom?

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-You're keeping something from Tom, aren't you, Naz?

-Yeah.

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I actually was invited to Sophie's party.

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It was only Tom who wasn't.

0:09:100:09:12

-'Are you planning to tell him?

-No! He's my best mate.'

0:09:120:09:15

It would...it would kill him.

0:09:150:09:18

BOTTLE CLINKS

0:09:180:09:19

-NAZ SIGHS:

-'Look, all I really want'

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is for Tom to take me seriously.

0:09:210:09:24

I was really proud of my Swiss Army Hat! It was all mine!

0:09:240:09:28

Apart from the 20% equity I was going to give to

0:09:280:09:30

Peter "Big Head" Jones, but Tom...

0:09:300:09:33

HE SIGHS DEEPLY

0:09:330:09:36

All I want is his respect.

0:09:360:09:37

HE GRUNTS THEN FARTS

0:09:400:09:41

Naz? You in there, mate?

0:09:410:09:44

Hey, mate, look, I'm sorry about earlier.

0:09:440:09:47

Hey! He...!

0:09:470:09:49

HEY!

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'Tom has locked Naz in the Diary Room,

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'so he can prepare the display plinth for the package.'

0:09:530:09:57

HE WHISTLES TO HIMSELF

0:10:000:10:03

DOORBELL RINGS

0:10:030:10:04

EXCITED GIGGLES

0:10:060:10:07

-I didn't order a pizza.

-Let him out.

-Oh, what?

0:10:100:10:13

You think, just cos you're bigger than me, I'll do what you say?

0:10:130:10:16

-Why are you letting people lock you in the toilet?

-Cos I'm an idiot!

0:10:160:10:19

Would an idiot invent this?

0:10:190:10:22

-All right, mate!

-Yeah!

-How'd you know this belongs to me?!

0:10:220:10:25

Cos you've written "mine" on the little man.

0:10:250:10:28

-HE LAUGHS

-Only you would do that!

0:10:280:10:30

-Well, it IS mine.

-Crazy features on this hat.

0:10:300:10:33

-Did you see the emergency luncheon meat?

-Game changer!

0:10:330:10:36

But Tom doesn't think it'll get on Dragons' Den.

0:10:360:10:38

You've got original ideas, man!

0:10:380:10:40

The inventor's calling is to see things what other people don't see.

0:10:400:10:44

-Like a little man on a hat!

-Like a little man on a hat.

0:10:440:10:46

But Tom doesn't think I should even fill out the application form!

0:10:460:10:49

Believe in your ideas!

0:10:490:10:51

HE SNIFFS

0:10:510:10:53

-You smell that?

-The ham?

-No! Originality!

0:10:530:10:57

But it's nothing if you ain't got faith!

0:10:570:10:59

You think, like, Leonardo da Vinci quit every time he felt like a plum?

0:10:590:11:03

He's like, "No, no, I ain't no plum!

0:11:030:11:06

"I'm going to da Vinci the shit out of this self-propelled car

0:11:060:11:09

"and, afterwards, I might draw me a man with loads of arms!"

0:11:090:11:13

Trust me!

0:11:140:11:15

You're going to be a world-famous inventor.

0:11:150:11:18

A millionaire, living on a beach in Brazil.

0:11:180:11:22

-A Brazilian-aire!

-Exactly!

0:11:220:11:24

Take this Hawaiian.

0:11:240:11:26

The man who invented this - people laughed at him!

0:11:260:11:29

Putting ham and pineapple together!

0:11:290:11:31

His own mother slapped him! Now, he probably owns Hawaii.

0:11:310:11:36

-A Hawaiian-aire!

-OK, that doesn't work with all the countries.

0:11:360:11:40

Go and fill out that Dragons' Den application.

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And where it says name, don't write "mine".

0:11:430:11:46

Thanks, Carl.

0:11:510:11:52

-Oh, the hat's back. What, is it a boomerang as well?

-Ha-ha(!)

0:11:560:11:59

No-one ever thought this pizza would work!

0:11:590:12:02

Oh, you got a Hawaiian? Eugh, rank-oh!

0:12:020:12:04

-I'm not stupid, Tom! I'm going to be a Brazilian-aire in...Hawaii!

-Huh?!

0:12:040:12:09

It means I'm a brilliant inventor!

0:12:090:12:10

-Oh, what, like Alexander Graham Bell-End?

-Yeah!

0:12:100:12:13

-Benjamin Wank-lin?

-Exactly! I could be any one of those guys...

-That's not their names!

0:12:130:12:17

-My inventions are not stupid!

-Are you sure? Are you sure?

0:12:170:12:20

This is Naz's 50 Stupidest Inventions!

0:12:230:12:27

At 50, Naz's easy snack snacking slippers!

0:12:270:12:30

-STRONG ESSEX ACCENT:

-When he's watching TV, Naz is so lazy!

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Like he don't even get up to go tinkle!

0:12:330:12:35

-POSH ACCENT:

-He is just such a lazy-poo! Lazy-kins! Just lays there

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like a big old lazy-boo-boo!

0:12:390:12:40

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Naz is lazier than my metabolism.

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But he is always snacking! Oh, little piggy!

0:12:430:12:46

-HE SNORTS

-You know, crisps, nachos!

0:12:460:12:48

And prawns! And Chinese people's food!

0:12:480:12:52

So he's got some slippers...

0:12:520:12:54

And sort of, like, you know like a fly squatter?

0:12:540:12:57

..and a flyswatter.

0:12:570:12:58

What? Swatter? Ha! I got it... Sorry, like...

0:12:580:13:02

-FlySWATTER! Sorry!

-GIGGLING

0:13:020:13:04

And he sort of attached them.

0:13:040:13:06

What have you made now?! That is laughably poor!

0:13:060:13:09

So, like, fly squatter... Squatter?! Swatter, sorry! Ha-ha!

0:13:090:13:13

And he sort of flicks the nachos into his mooth.

0:13:130:13:17

Like a kind of Dorito pelican.

0:13:170:13:19

Ugh! Agh!

0:13:190:13:20

It's weird.

0:13:210:13:22

-Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

-Ha-ha!

0:13:220:13:25

You don't belong on Dragons' Den!

0:13:250:13:26

You don't even belong in the bit with the weird little troll guy!

0:13:260:13:29

Well, at least I have an invite to Sophie's party!

0:13:290:13:32

-What?

-And you don't have one, because she thinks you're childish!

0:13:320:13:36

-She invited you?

-Yeah!

0:13:360:13:37

-So who's the child now? Hmm?

-Oi!

-Who's the child now, Tom?!

0:13:370:13:41

Who's the child now?!

0:13:410:13:42

Come back! We're going to talk about this now!

0:13:440:13:46

No, don't shut the... DOOR SLAMS

0:13:460:13:48

..door!

0:13:480:13:50

-HE SIGHS: You've locked us in!

-No.

0:13:500:13:53

'Naz has locked them in the toilet.'

0:13:530:13:55

DOORBELL RINGS

0:13:550:13:57

The package!

0:13:570:13:58

-HEY!

-Hey! We're in here!

-Hey! Just leave it!

-Just leave it there!

0:13:580:14:02

-Don't go...

-DOORBELL RINGS

0:14:020:14:04

BOTH: HEY!

0:14:040:14:06

Leave it! Just leave... Leave it!

0:14:060:14:09

-BOTH SOBBING Leave it!

-Oh, no!

-No!

0:14:090:14:12

-No!

-No!

-No!

-No! HE SOBS LOUDLY:

-No! No! Ah!

0:14:120:14:17

NAZ WAILS

0:14:170:14:19

This is Flat News. It is with great sadness I must inform you

0:14:210:14:26

that, only minutes ago, the package has passed.

0:14:260:14:31

We now go live to the front door,

0:14:310:14:33

where mourners are gathering to pay their respects.

0:14:330:14:36

Sorry, Naz Osmanoglu doesn't appear to be there,

0:14:370:14:40

because he's locked us in the fucking toilet!

0:14:400:14:43

-How are you, Naz?

-Not great.

0:14:460:14:49

We've been here for ages and Tom's not really saying anything.

0:14:490:14:53

(I think he's upset!)

0:14:540:14:55

I can hear you!

0:14:550:14:57

(I think he can hear me!)

0:14:570:14:59

-Oh, my God, it's Mike!

-Where?

-I thought he was at work?

0:14:590:15:03

Sophie's Periscoping from her party!

0:15:030:15:05

Oh, that stinky shitty little shit!

0:15:050:15:08

He got an invite - Mike! How is he an adult?

0:15:080:15:11

He just got a job. And a suit. And a flat!

0:15:110:15:13

Yeah, he's still a stinky little shit!

0:15:130:15:16

-MUSIC PLAYS, PEOPLE CHATTER MIKE:

-Woohoo!

0:15:160:15:18

HE SWITCHES VIDEO OFF

0:15:180:15:20

I mean, Sophie's right.

0:15:200:15:22

I AM a child. I'm wearing a dragon onesie

0:15:220:15:24

and I've just been sat in the bathtub pretending to do the news!

0:15:240:15:27

Hey, mate, at least you've had a bath this week -

0:15:270:15:29

that's pretty sophisticated!

0:15:290:15:31

If Sophie can't see that, she's the one who's missing out!

0:15:310:15:34

Just like BeeGee74!

0:15:340:15:36

-What, that sucker on eBay?

-Ha, yeah!

0:15:360:15:39

We auctioned that guy big time!

0:15:390:15:41

Yeah, that's not really what you say, but...we did. Ha!

0:15:410:15:45

Yeah.

0:15:450:15:47

Maybe I should read more book.

0:15:470:15:49

Are my inventions stupid?

0:15:520:15:54

Nah! They... Listen, I've read lots of books, lots of books,

0:15:560:16:01

but I've never invented anything.

0:16:010:16:03

You know what? I take it back. You keep going.

0:16:030:16:06

-You'll definitely get on the Den.

-Thanks, man.

0:16:060:16:09

-Tell you what - why don't you take me through the hat again?

-Oh, yeah!

0:16:110:16:14

All right, so on the underside, you've got your basics -

0:16:140:16:17

your scissors, your pomegranate deseeder, then, going anticlockwise

0:16:170:16:20

from there, you've got your device for opening jammed doors,

0:16:200:16:23

-this is for whittling wood...

-Opening jammed doors?

0:16:230:16:27

Yeah, you're right - it's probably a bit unnecessary.

0:16:270:16:29

We'll remove it before we go into full production.

0:16:290:16:32

You're a genius!

0:16:320:16:33

Oh!

0:16:330:16:35

Mission success!

0:16:360:16:37

In a way.

0:16:380:16:40

Yeah, it's Mikey's flat.

0:16:400:16:41

-He can pay for it.

-Yeah!

0:16:410:16:43

Oh?

0:16:430:16:45

We missed you more, DHL!

0:16:450:16:48

We missed you more.

0:16:480:16:50

-You should probably throw that away now.

-Yeah.

0:16:500:16:53

I think I'll go and throw this away...in my room.

0:16:530:16:56

DOORBELL RINGS

0:16:560:16:58

Oh...

0:17:000:17:01

-Is it the package?

-No, it's Aoife.

-Eugh!

0:17:010:17:04

My feet are sweating.

0:17:040:17:05

Um...what do you want?

0:17:050:17:08

Don't worry. The party's not that fun.

0:17:080:17:10

-UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER

-Ha! That's Michael!

0:17:100:17:14

That boy is a riot!

0:17:140:17:16

Anyway, this got delivered to Sophie's house,

0:17:160:17:19

so I thought I would bring it over.

0:17:190:17:22

Oh, my God! The package!

0:17:220:17:24

-It's a book, is it?

-Er, no, no, not a book.

-Imagine, right...

0:17:240:17:28

-SHE HICCUPS

-Imagine a giant book.

0:17:280:17:30

Jesus, you'd never get that through the letterbox, would you?!

0:17:300:17:33

SHE LAUGHS Um...you enjoyed the vodka, then?

0:17:330:17:36

What? No, I don't drink.

0:17:360:17:38

HE LAUGHS

0:17:380:17:40

-Oh?

-What did she want?

-Er, nothing!

0:17:450:17:48

Um...

0:17:500:17:51

Was she going on about the party?

0:17:510:17:53

Er, yeah, yeah, yeah! Boring, mate.

0:17:530:17:55

-HE THROWS IT AWAY

-Any good stories? Shall I come down?

0:17:570:18:00

No, no, no, no, no! All good, all good!

0:18:000:18:03

OK.

0:18:030:18:05

I'll just be playing with my Lego man.

0:18:050:18:08

Eugh!

0:18:100:18:11

Hey, mate. Just finished my application form for Dragons' Den.

0:18:140:18:17

How do you spell "mine"?

0:18:170:18:19

Oh...

0:18:210:18:22

It came.

0:18:220:18:23

It came.

0:18:240:18:26

It looks amazing on the plinth.

0:18:290:18:30

It's so much better on Plinth George! I mean... Ha!

0:18:300:18:33

-Good job, man, you've got such a good eye for...

-Thanks, mate.

0:18:330:18:36

What?

0:18:360:18:38

Hmm?

0:18:380:18:39

-Er...

-You broke my hat?

-Yeah.

0:18:390:18:42

Er, it's just, I was putting it up and it went, you know, agh...

0:18:420:18:46

-You piece of shit!

-I...

0:18:460:18:48

-You destroyed my dream!

-Your dreams were flimsily constructed.

0:18:480:18:52

-OK, it's definitely not going here now!

-Don't take it off!

-Grr!

-NO!

0:18:520:18:56

-His feet!

-That's your fault.

0:18:560:18:58

-He's going in the thicket, where he belongs!

-Naz!

0:18:580:19:01

Don't do anything stupid, or the hat dies!

0:19:010:19:03

-Don't do it, Tom!

-I will cut your Lego man's head off!

0:19:030:19:06

Whoa!

0:19:060:19:09

-Be cool.

-You be cool!

0:19:090:19:10

-Let's just talk about this like adults.

-I'm talking! Let's talk!

0:19:100:19:14

-No-one else has to get hurt.

-Oh, yeah?

0:19:140:19:17

-Ha!

-Er...

-TOM LAUGHS

0:19:170:19:19

-Not his hat!

-You've got something I want, I've got something you want.

0:19:190:19:23

-OK, come on, we'll do an exchange.

-OK.

-OK, on three.

-No funny business.

0:19:230:19:27

-One...

-One...

0:19:270:19:29

-..two...

-..two...

0:19:290:19:31

-..three!

-Ah! BOTH SHOUT

0:19:310:19:33

ARGH!

0:19:330:19:35

-Ah! Oh! You decapitated him!

-You destroyed my hat!

0:19:350:19:38

TOM WHIMPERS You've got cardboard on your hands!

0:19:380:19:41

THEY GRUNT AND ROAR

0:19:410:19:43

Ha-ha! You know what's coming now, boy!

0:19:430:19:46

-Not the face!

-Ha-ha!

-Not the face!

0:19:460:19:49

You draw a cock on my face, I'll draw a cock on yours!

0:19:490:19:52

Oh, look at the little balls! Look at the little balls! Ha-ha!

0:19:520:19:56

Who's the child now?!

0:19:560:19:57

-Guys?

-What? Sophie!

0:19:570:19:59

This is...

0:20:000:20:03

And at Number 1, Tom draws a cock on Naz's face

0:20:030:20:06

whilst dressed as a dragon!

0:20:060:20:09

Er, I was just seeing if you were coming to my party.

0:20:090:20:12

-Er, well, I wasn't invited.

-Everyone was.

0:20:120:20:16

Er, not me.

0:20:160:20:17

Well, your invite's right here.

0:20:180:20:20

Um, but I can see that you guys are busy, so I'll just...

0:20:200:20:24

No! No, no, no! ONESIE TEARS

0:20:240:20:26

-TOM SCREAMS

-Um...

0:20:260:20:29

HE GIBBERS

0:20:290:20:31

Is that your package?

0:20:330:20:35

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

0:20:350:20:36

NAZ LAUGHS

0:20:410:20:42

BOTH SCREAM

0:20:420:20:44

NEWS JINGLE PLAYS

0:20:440:20:47

'Coming up, toilet door problems escalate...'

0:20:470:20:51

-Please don't watch.

-Probably watch?

-We should watch.

0:20:510:20:54

'..Naz invents popcorn trousers...'

0:20:540:20:56

YEAH!

0:20:560:20:58

'..flatmates finally sort the mail...'

0:20:580:21:00

'..and our auction rival makes contact.'

0:21:050:21:07

It's just... You know, I would've really liked that cut-out.

0:21:070:21:11

This is Flat News.

0:21:110:21:13

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