Locked Out Flat TV

This programme contains some strong language

-Where's the rock?

-What rock?

-The spare key rock.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

The spare key rock - so when I forget my key,

I can use the key inside the spare key rock.

-Oh, Jonathan Rock.

-Yeah, goes next to the phone.

-Yeah, I threw him in the bin.

-What?! No moving the rock!

-It's a rule.

-I wanted to return him to his natural habitat.

-What, the bin?

-No, but from the bin he goes into the landfill,

then into the ground, into the sea

and then he gives birth to a pebble. It's the rock cycle, Tom!

Oh, it's going to be down in the dumpster.

The phrase is, "down in the dumps"

and I'm sure Jonathan will feel better soon.

DOOR CLOSES

-Have you got your key?

-Mine are inside.

Don't we normally keep a spare around here?

TOM SIGHS

This is Flat News -

as flatmates move to a sixth minute of being locked out

without their keys, wallets or phones.

-I've got a phone.

-Oh, do you?

-Oh, it's dead.

The headlines...

Naz has been ignoring my flat rules.

No throwing! No eating my food!

No throwing my phone!

Don't you ever, ever use my mug!

-It's just a mug.

-Scum, you're absolute scum!

Now to Naz with the sport.

Thanks, Tom.

Antique value estimation fans

prepare for the showpiece fixture

of the season, as Tom plays Naz

in the Antiques Roadshow Cup this evening.

Of course, Naz won controversially

last year with a remarkably

precise guess.

How about £5,000?

-About £5,000.

-Oh!

-Yes!

-What?!

Her daughter Michelle will be a happy bunny.

Our daughter Michelle is going to be a happy bunny.

-Did you Sky+ this?

-No, I didn't. Tom.

Yes, you did.

Very much looking forward to the

Roadshow if we ever get back in.

In lift talk, pressing concerns that

beautiful new neighbour

Sophie might think that

I hate the homeless.

There's a couple of guys sleeping rough outside

the office at the moment and we're having a massive party tonight...

I will gladly kick them out the way.

..to raise money for the local shelter.

Hmmm.

Finally, busybody neighbour Aoife

is really annoyed at us

because we didn't turn up to her

murder mystery evening.

Tom was the murderer. Without him it was just a mystery evening.

We didn't catch the murderer. He's still out there, Michael.

They're not in.

Just don't want to have to

deal with that.

-Doesn't Aoife have a spare key?

-Oh, yeah.

We cold ask her to let us in.

Well, I guess it's either that or rummage round the dumpster.

-Good call.

-Yeah.

The race to get back into the flat continues...

-Here on I'm Not A Celebrity...

-BOTH:

-Get Me Into My Flat!

I'M A CELEBRITY THEME

-Tom, Naz, good afternoon.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-Haway!

-Now, this is the Dumpster Of Doom.

In there is the key to your flat.

-But remember, you won't be alone in there.

-Ho-ho!

Remember, if you want to quit just shout,

"I'm not a celebrity, get me into my flat!"

-I'm not a celebrity, get me into my flat!

-We haven't even started yet.

Well, you've lost it, you get it.

Aye, he's right. Ha-ha!

OK, Naz, you've only got two minutes in there before you vomit.

Get in that stinky bin, pet.

BUZZER BLARES

-NAZ EXHALES

-In you go.

Naz, what's in the first bin bag?

I'm going for it!

HE SCREAMS

-Oh, is that couscous?

-No, that's maggots.

-Yeah, you're right.

-Ha-ha!

-I like his couscous.

-I know.

I've had one mouthful...

..two mouthfuls...

three mouthfuls now.

Naz, you're doing the wrong challenge! The key!

Oh, yeah, all right.

-Crack onto that second bin bag.

-OK!

OK, next bin bag.

NAZ SCREAMS

Oh, no! Dirty nappies.

And a face full of bin juice.

THEY LAUGH

-Oh, I love you.

-I love you.

-OK, I'm coming up for air.

-No, you're not!

-Get that key!

-Yeah, get that key, you scummy bastard.

Hang on, I think I see our bin bag.

Ha-ha, yes!

NAZ SCREAMS

Oh, no, it's Mikey's tissues!

Oh, they're all sticky...

and a bit salty.

Who has salty snot?

THEY GROAN

Hang on, I see the rock. I see the rock!

-Hurry up!

-I've got the key! I've got the key!

-Yes, I got the key!

-Whoo!

And a free potato.

I mean, that is weird, but woo-hoo!

-BOTH:

-Roadshow!

No, no throwing!

It's gone in the drain! This is why there's a rule.

Well, maybe there should be a rule about not dropping

-things like a little old bitch.

-That would be impossible to enforce.

-Oh, you're such a control freak.

-I'm not a control freak, OK?

-I eat Revels.

-After you've weighed them and removed the coffee ones.

You'd marry control if you could,

except it would probably leave you because you're too controlling.

-OK, stay outside without me.

-Look, look...

-But don't come running to me

-when you get bummed by street bandits.

-Street bandits aren't real.

Oh, they are! They're real and they are bumming tonight.

-Hello?

-Hi, yeah, this is Tom from flat 27.

Can you buzz me in, please?

You killed my cat!

Not deliberately.

Could you buzz me in, please?

-Didn't you kill that old lady's cat?

-Well...

She loved that cat.

Hello?

HE MIMICS PHIL: Oh, hello, it's Phil from flat nine.

-Can you buzz me in, please?

-Ahem.

-That's not cool, man.

-Hey, Phil, can you let me in?

-No.

Street bandits!

I know your game.

Why are you in the hedge?

Jesus Christ, Carl! I thought you were a street bandit.

Bruv, street bandits don't start bumming until about eight.

Whoa, wow, bruv! Whoa, you stink!

What's going on?

Tom's left me outside because I keep breaking his rules.

That's dark, man.

Anyway, have some of this.

Oh, porky beef!

-Hang on, is it cool for me to eat this?

-Not really.

It's just some little dickhead's.

Look, man, I really need to get back in the flat.

An unshackled man doesn't return to the prison from where he escaped.

-You smell that?

-My pongy bin smell?

No, the smell of freedom!

From tyranny, from oppression,

from he who's denied you your basic human rights for so long.

-Like no throwing red meat.

-Like no throwing red meat.

-I like the sound it makes.

-He likes the sound it makes.

That is your basic human right given to you by Zeus.

-Zeus?

-Son of Cronus. And no one will take that away.

-No-one!

-Yeah!

-I mean, Tom does have a point.

But it's time to set yourself free.

Show him that you can live without his rules.

Right here, outside, where the only laws are the laws of nature, bruv.

-What are they?

-Respect the majesty and silent beauty of the elements.

Bury your shits.

Any more?

Don't fuck animals.

That's a good rule.

I live outside now.

DOG BARKS

Greetings, fellow outdoorsman.

-Don't fuck it!

-Yep!

I'm Naz, I've served with the Boy Scouts,

I've also served in restaurants.

Once I ran to Burger King in a storm

wearing only flip-flops and a Swatch.

Every year thousands of people get locked out

and I'm going to show you how to survive in one of the most

dangerous, unforgiving environments in Britain.

-Outside the flat.

-HORN BEEPS

Sorry!

I'm going to be taking locked-out situations to the breaking point.

Nettles, nettles, nettles.

Exploring the most unforgiving of terrain.

I'll be showing you how to survive...

Just like that, bin tea.

..by using anything and everything at your disposable.

This used to be a vegetable sack.

Now, it's a hat sack. That's factor 50.

Giving you survival tips which could save your life.

Passing out is dangerous because you're passed out.

Showing you how easy it is to make the wrong decision.

That is not good water!

This is not food.

As well as letting you in on some of my unorthodox methods.

Now, it may look like somewhere good to camp,

but actually these logs are good for just throwing.

Surviving alongside some of the most dangerous wildlife on the planet.

HE SCREAMS

Termites! Oh, God!

They're on me, they're on me!

And pushing myself to the absolute limit.

Now, I have to find shelter, and fast, to protect

myself from the awesome power of the elements.

Oh, hey, Tom. This is my new place.

I've got my own phone, that's my piss - I assume.

-Get out of the way, I'm ringing Mikey.

-Please, no rules here.

Bin tea?

Mikey, yeah, listen, where the hell are you? We're locked out, OK?

I don't care...

Sorry, do you take gravel?

That was my last change!

You deserve to be living out here. You are scum, scum!

Hey, Sophie! How are you? No...

Oh, no, he's not... He's not homeless!

That was Sophie! TOM GROANS

-You look like a smelly hobo!

-Oh, don't be so hobo-phobic.

You can't live in a phone box.

Oh, here we go, Geoffrey Stalin, spitting out his rules again.

You know what? I'm doing just fine without you.

Looks like it! How was your potato, by the way?

-Free from your tyranny.

-Oh, you want to be free, Naz?

OK, here's a rule, no Naz in the flat.

-What?

-Yeah, yeah, you're kicked out.

-You can't do that.

I just did, mate, for ever. You are not coming back.

One hour from now, I'm going to be sat on the sofa by myself with

a nice soya hot chocolate eating a Bakewell.

I ate your Bakewells.

Never eat my food!

Oh, I tell you what else I'm going to be doing -

I'm going to be watching the Antiques Roadshow.

Well, I'll be watching it, too, on the pavement with

an iced bin tea, in front of Currys!

With no sound! Animal!

I can't believe he kicked me out.

What do you think I should do, Potatom?

Hmm, you're right. We need to find somewhere to live.

This week we're in the leafy area of outside the flat,

helping this contemporary couple find the shelter of their dreams.

Naz, an unemployed ham enthusiast, and Potatom, a potato, have been

together for nearly two hours, since their special relationship began.

We met in a bin, actually, so...

We'll be looking at a wide range of alternatives outside the flat,

but which option will catch Potatom's crudely drawn-on eyes?

Ideally, we'd want some sort of protection from the elements,

just in case, you know, we ever

decided to settle down and have chips.

Ha-ha, talk about a sweet potato!

But now it's full spud ahead with our property search.

Our first location is this timber-framed ground floor condo

with stunning waterside view -

complete with an open-plan terrace to enjoy alfresco cocktails

and a rich, rich history.

But is it right for our fledgling couple, who want to starch a family?

Naz is clearly impressed with the versatility

of the entertaining space.

But no protection from the elements means concerns from Potatom,

who needs to be stored in a cool, dry place.

It's a no to the bench, but will our second property impress?

This rustic Victorian cottage is overflowing with charm.

With nine en-suite bathrooms and a thriving local arts scene,

let's hope Potatom finds this property appealing.

Now, Naz and Potatom aren't the only ones interested,

and with its welcoming entrance and large communal area,

they'll have trouble keeping this property to themselves.

-How is this a cottage?

-You don't want to know.

It's a no to the toilet.

Our carbohydrate couple have to keep chipping away.

Our final property is this detached,

recently converted, former gallery space with retractable roof.

With its modern functional style,

it comes with its own furniture and fittings.

Will our couple like the skip,

or will they find it pomme de terrible?

This is great.

I love rubbish, plus it's a bit like living in a convertible tank.

Oh, stop it!

Ha-ha, no!

-Are you all right, mate?

-Yes, what?

-New around here, are you?

-My name's Jules.

-Naz.

-This is Potatom.

-OK.

Eh, you got shelter for tonight?

We thought we'd just set up camp here.

It's a skip, mate.

Well, a former gallery space, but pot-ay-tom, pot-ah-tom.

Look, why don't you just come with me? We've got a place up the road.

-Really, can I bring...?

-No.

HE SIGHS

Well, I hope you're happy, Tom, because you ruined what would have

been some stunning interactive living-room theatre.

I'm sorry, OK? Can I just get the key?

You were supposed to be the schizophrenic monocle vet

with ties to Nazi Gold - Joseph Gerbils.

Nobody was there to investigate the mysterious Egyptian relic.

Nobody went into the caves with General Jick-Fitzwell.

-Right...

-Naz was supposed to be the Chinese ambassador Ubin Fartin.

But was he there to reveal the forged Faberge egg?

No, because the only eggs present were my famous Scotch eggs,

which nobody ate because the whole evening was a write-off.

Do you have any idea how much dip I had to throw into the street?

-No, I...

-Your flatmate Michael was there because, unlike you,

he's a gentleman and a convincing French countess.

Look, I'm sorry, OK?

I promise, if you give me the key,

we'll have a murder mystery party tomorrow.

-Oh, that would be grand.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

OK, great, so can I just get the...

-One thing I'll say...

-No, no...

-He's not an out and out Nazi,

-but he likes them blonde, if you know what I mean?

-There we go. Yeah, cheers.

If you could wear the monocle and get a little gerbil.

I'M A CELEBRITY THEME

OK, Tom, for this trial, all you've got to do is use your key to...

Bastard.

HE EXHALES

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

You're looking at somewhere in the region of round about £1,500.

Basically what I said.

Honestly, I ate the whole traffic cone.

Yeah, you're weird.

Hey, you've got a bin-spresso machine.

Maybe later I'll make myself a binny latte.

Sure, there are no rules here.

Cool.

I've been welcomed into the fold by a tribe of hunter-gatherers.

They're really inspiring.

Like me, they've left their homes to escape

the petty rules of their dickhead flatmate.

-What?

-Just saying it's really cool to meet other people

-who've chosen not to live in their home.

-You've got a home?

Well, technically Mikey owns it, but I am supposed to pay rent.

It sucks, though. If you met Tom, you'd know what I mean.

He doesn't let me use his mug, throw, or eat, his food.

-I'm glad I chose this.

-You've chosen this?

Well, you guys get it. Living inside is just shit -

like when you're all hot because the heating's all turned up

and you can't get out the sofa because you've had too much really nice chocolate,

and you can't reach the other chocolate because you're just too comfortable.

You guys know what I'm saying.

-No?

-I think we better teach you a lesson.

Oh, shit, street bandits.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

-So its value...

-£2,000.

-About £2,000.

-Whoa!

Bang on! Bang on! Did you... Did you see?

HE SIGHS

I'm coming to get you.

This week we're helping this regretful pedant

find his best friend.

Naz?

But will he be able to find him before the Antiques Roadshow ends?

Oh, look, he's close. Talk about a couch potato.

So essentially it's the classic catch-22 of free-market economics.

Just get it over with.

You lose your flat because you can't pay your rent and then you can't get

-a job because you don't have a home.

-Oh, stop toying with me and do it.

-Naz.

-Tom, help me!

-Street bandits.

-Your friend's very confused.

-Shut up, you bum-crazy gutter monster.

-Whoa, whoa, Naz, look.

-Oh, Potatom.

-Yeah, we've come to take you home.

Oh, you saved me.

-Sorry for being so bossy.

-I'm sorry I threw steak at your face.

I promise to respect your rules, man.

Some of them are a bit obsessive - some of them. Let's go home.

What about Potatom?

You could bring him, but...

..maybe it's time to let him go.

You're right. It's time to set you free, little man.

-Let's go.

-Hey!

Have you forgotten you called me a bum-crazy gutter monster?

Ah, Naz is very sorry he called you those homophobic slurs.

-Hobo-phobic.

-Just shhh!

But I think we can make it up to you.

Oh, Tom, this is amazing of you to throw a party for the homeless.

Well, you know, an Antiques Roadshow-themed party

-just seemed relevant.

-Sure.

It's definitely a sweet thing to do.

Oh, I've got this one, I've got this one!

That is an original Thomas Best of London,

all brass-mounted, enamel dials.

-Now, I'm going to go for 17.5K.

-THEY EXHALE

It would be in the order of £15-£20,000.

-Go, Team Hobo!

-Don't, don't call us that.

-Hobo United!

-That's not better.

-I'll work on it.

-Can me.

-Whoa, whoa, guys, no throwing, please.

That's one of Tom's flat rules. So can we please respect that?

That's all right. I'm chilled.

-Sure?

-Yeah, yeah, he's just having fun. Can me.

HE SCREAMS

I may not have followed the rule,

but it doesn't matter. That's going to bruise

but it doesn't matter. I just care about the homeless.

On that note, Tom, I've really got to go.

I've got an early start tomorrow -

I'm volunteering down at the refugee centre.

Well, we should get some of those guys down here for some

-Bargain Hunt or something.

-Yeah.

-Bye.

-Oh, see you later. Thanks for coming.

OK, probably just start wrapping this up now.

You are just eating that... That does say Tom, doesn't it?

So you can put that down. Yeah, and that.

Probably just put that back in that.

Oh, you're just dipping your fingers in, straight in, are you?

With your fingers. Looks like they haven't been washed

since Thomas Best was making clocks.

Who wants bacon?

Naz, Naz, none of that. No, no!

No! No! No using my mug!

No throwing, no eating my food! You are scum!

Absolute scum!!

Erm, I forgot my phone.

Coming up... Naz invents a new cocktail.

Bintini, anyone?

Mikey returns home to a surprise.

I sleep here now.

And flatmates reluctantly make it up to Aoife.

There's been a murder!

THEY SIGH

I've already done this.

This is Flat News.