Episode 1 Frank Skinner's Opinionated

Hello and and welcome to Frank Skinner's Opinionated tonight from

Salford. Oh, so it has been a strange week. Theresa May, the Home

Secretary, had a stressful week, but still found time for a bikini

wax! So she she hasn't completely lost

interest in border control. LAUGHTER

The border official said that passports where were looked at,

yeah apparently their officers were saying things like, "Excuse me sir,

this should be a double R in terrorist.". Frankie has left The X

Factor. He said he had broken the show's

golden rule also known as the must be able to sing rule!

The Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi has agreed to stand down.

Here he is praying for guidance. LAUGHTER

He looks like he is praying. That's only because we had to cut the

prostitute out of the picture. LAUGHTER

And this week saw the funeral of the great Sir Jimmy Savile. How

marvellous. I went to a football match on the day that Jimmy Savile

died. It was really, everyone was talking about it, it was really

moving, the footballers gathered around the centre circle and the

crowd stood up and the referee blew his whistle and we had a minute's -

I loved it. Dr Conrad Murray was found guilty of the involuntary

manslaughter of Michael Jackson. Lots of strange details came out

during the trial. Apparently Michael Jackson had a weird fungus

which grew underneath his toenails. Did you read that? So when he moon

walked, he wasn't dancing, he was just wiping.

LAUGHTER Also, we didn't want to get up in

the night Michael Jackson, so he used to sleep in a catheter and he

had a large glass container full ofure Rhine on the bed side table

and he would use it as a night light. The National Gallery in

London has a massive exhibition open this week which is the

paintings of da Vinci and the painting everyone is raving about

is Salvador Mandy, Bob Geldof doesn't like it. That's fair enough,

you were quick on that. James Moors spent �100,000 on the artist which

disintegrated in storage. It was a sculpture of a fat man with a scrar

of and a carrot for a nose. LAUGHTER

I spent, how much was it, I spent about �10,000 in week on a piece of

art. Yeah. Mind you, it was the Pathon.

Many of you will have read I still call her Kate Middleton, but the

Duchess of Cambridge refused to eat peanut butter. She refused it

because she is pregnant. I think she refused it because it is food.

She is actually quite thin, I think it is fair to say. This is what

Kate Middleton eats in a day. For breakfast, she has a satsuma

segment. LAUGHTER

One of the smaller ones apparently. For lunch, she has steamed, sorry

for lunch she has steam! LAUGHTER

For dinner she has quite a substantial meal described to her

by a serve servant. LAUGHTER

They are not going to have a baby until after the Queen's jubilee

celebrations next year and they are going to hold back until that

because they they don't want to steal the limelight. I have marked

the Queen's jubilee on my my calendar. That's the beauty of

pencil, isn't it? LAUGHTER

And Prince Harry, did you read about this? He is stationed in a

tiny little town, a sort of hit town in Arizona and the mayor

apparently is a bit worried about Prince Harry arriving and he said

he heard of Harry's reputation and he said, "Some of the dads won't

take too kindly to a prince fornicating the night away with

their daughters." That's their job!

LAUGHTER I thought of doing an I an

impression. I don't do impressions. I have been impressed by people who

do. Here is a little impression I thought I would do. Here we go.

OK. OK. OK. OK. OK. It is called Tuesday afternoon at passport

control. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE Anyway,

Anyway, let's

Anyway, let's get

Anyway, let's get started.

Anyway, let's get started. Please welcome my guests, Katy Brand and

Dave Gorman. APPLAUSE

Welcome. Thanks. What do you think of the desk?

was about to mention the desk actually. It is nice.

You have both done the show before and this time I thought I need a

desk. I was watching the football last weekend and at Old Trafford

which is a nearby football ground. So Alex Ferguson was celebrating

the fact that he had been Manchester United manager for 25

years and they named one of the stands after him. I thought I would

have a desk named after a famous person. Right.

I looked at the anniversaries that happened tonight and the only one I

could find is the British actor Claude Reins, he was born 122 years

ago. Was he in Gee-Gee or something like

that. He was in the Invisible Man. We

have got a picture of him actually. LAUGHTER

Oh, he was good. I thought we would have...

that's the Claude Reins desk. I love the fact that it is a comedy

show and I have done a Claude Reins joke. I'm going to open it now

officially. APPLAUSE

Does anyone in the audience have something from the news they would

like to discuss? This lady at the front. She has a bit of the Karen

carpenter about her. I mean not as jauny. Yes -- scrawny.

I would like to ask, do you think The X Factor...

PROBLEM WITH SOUND LAUGHTER

Simon Cowell is more powerful than I thought!

That's a terrible lisp you have got by the way!

Let's try it again. Do I think The X Factor? Do you think this year

The X Factor had its day? LAUGHTER

It is like, "Get out.". Is that because you're excited because you

think Johnny is coming back? I love Johnny, he is brilliantly talented.

According to Twitter, he looks like me with AIDS.

LAUGHTER Thank you very much. "I can see

that." I don't know whether that is an insult to him, to me. It

certainly shows a certain lack of sensitivity generally. Let's

commence. Michael Jackson... Yeah. Is that good news that we know who

did it? I was really, really obsessed with Michael Jackson when

I was younger, when I was about 11 or 12. I would write him 20 page

letters, yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I was properly obsessed. I am quite

pleased that it is now official that he didn't kill himself.

LAUGHTER Did he ever reply to the letters?

Well then he deserved to die. There is something about the way

that Michael Jackson's life panned out. Nothing about it was real. We

want him to live an extreme life and the fact that his death became

a big TV court case. I wrote a joke when Michael Jackson was a

defendant in a trial at the time and part of his defence was that he

was being blackmailed. I wrote a joke, I don't know what you think

about Michael Jackson and these blackmail allegations but I think

he used to be. I use it had for 15 years because it never became

untopical, it was always relevant. That's the brilliant thing about it.

It is a new topical show now, a new series, we are talking about

Michael Jackson, he keeps coming back. I'm expecting a resurrection

at any point. This stuff, propofol, it is like hitting you with a polo

mallet across the back of the head. It is hospital strength anaesthetic.

He bought four gallons. It the not just... He bought four gallons.

is not having a couple of nightol. You wake-up, I don't like November.

Does anyone have any views on the Michael Jackson trial? How much of

the four gallons did they go through? What, are you looking for

second-hand propofol? We have a clip. This is my favourite clip of

the trial. I feel sorry for Conrad Murray. He has been found guilty,

right and they are talking about when they are going to get together

for the sentencing and this is them working it out.

If you have a date that you're suggesting, let me know so that I

can turn to the people. On November 22nd, 21st, that whole week is not

dark, is it? We are open on the 21st and the 22nd. We are not in

session the the remainder of the week. What about the 22nd? Is that

something you can do? I can. The problem I have is that I'm

starting a major case on the 29th. It means that I have to go to the

30th I will do that if we can start on the 29th. You said you're

starting on the 29th a case. I was. I can do probation and sentencing

on this case on the 29th. If you want me to? Yes. That will fit

everyone's schedule. Let me just ask, is Tuesday, 2th November

acceptable? LAUGHTER

Is Conrad not thinking, "I have been found guilty and you are

looking at your diaries.". It is like my family trying to find out

what is happening at Christmas. I can't make it.

There has been a lot of moving speeches about Michael Jackson

since his death, and since the trial and all of that, people

saying how much he meant to them and stuff like that. My favourite

one is David Guest's moving tribute. He was my best childhood friend. I

remember his laugh. His laugh when he used to go.

LAUGHTER I think he might be confusing

Michael Jackson with Flipper! I interviewed La Toya Jackson and

she, I think, the ending to the interview is probably the proudest

I am of any ending to an interview with anyone. I hope it is innocent

because I hate to see a celebrity who was a big star brought down by

something like that. Obviously if he is guilty, let him burn, but I'm

hoping he isn't. OK, La Toya, it has been great talking to you.

Thank you. APPLAUSE

Oh no. I do think Michael Parkinson ever

ended an interview by suggesting that someone should burn.

I did a show with Jermaine Jackson and they are unfailingingly poll

plight. I -- polite.

I met Jermaine the other week and he smell lovely. I said to him, "It

is great to meet you. You smell really lovely." I said, "Where do

you get that?" He said, "From the Middle East.". Well, it is

interesting you say that because when I did a show with him, he

asked me if I would go out out to Dubai and be the Jackson Five's

comedy consultant. What? You can imagine...

Jackson Five. You have been offered a job as the

comedy consultant to the Jackson Five. What happened there? He never

called me. I gave him my my number. I think he is full of shit Jermaine

Jackson. He said he and his brothers were in Dubai. When was

this? Oh two or three years ago. He was still alive? Just about.

One of the things that's been spoken about in recent years here

is doing what they are doing in America and having some court cases

on telly. It has never happened here. We have a guest tonight in

the audience, Priscilla Coleman, now Priscilla, hi ya. If we did

start televising court cases in the UK, that would be bad news for you,

wouldn't it? It would be bad news for me and my work. I do court

sketches for a living. What a fantastic job. We have got some of

your work. You must have all seen these court sketches on the news.

What is, I recognise the the man in the dock? This is Chris Tarrant and

the millionaire court case and the coughing.

The coughing major. I hoped it was some terrible court

case about Chris Tarrant that I hadn't heard about it. I can

imagine the the judge saying, "The maximum is 20 years, but we don't

want to give you that.". You don't draw in court, do you? No. We have

to go outside and I'm, I do these from memory. So I just memorise

people's faces, the main people I know, I have to concentrate on and

I go out and do the drawings. How long does it take you to do

one? I have started one while you were talking. So I have you all in

it so far and your special desk. Thanks a lot, we will speak to you

a little later. Wouldn't you love to watch live

court action on TV? The lady with the cardigan.

I think the problem would be if someone came to be innocent and

that's just been shown to everyone on TV, you might remember their

face and not that they were innocent.

Or the fact that they were out? they had been accused of something,

but if you didn't catch the episode where they were proved to be...

LAUGHTER You were using the grammar of being

innocent. It is what is wrong with this idea.

You would be five years away from, "And our next housemate is juror

seven.". I would love that. I know you would love it, that doesn't

make it right. You are confusing with I would like it with it is

right. Is this what happened in the first

Michael Jackson trial? LAUGHTER

Seven seconds. I'm happy with that. LAUGHTER

What about on the back of this, what about Frankie. This is the guy

from X Factor who adopted the rock'n'roll lifestyle except for

the rock'n'roll. LAUGHTER

I like it when someone on one of Simon Cowell's lack of talent

contests shows a bit of spunk. A bit of punk spirit. You know, it

bucks the trend a bit and sticks two fingers up.

It is going to be terrible for Frankie because he has been the

centre of attention and suddenly he will get about as much notice as a

passport at Gatwick! APPLAUSE

Does anyone have any other other news storesies -- stories they

would like to talk about? What about the man at the front?

wonder what your views, I have seen on the news the way Jimmy Savile

dying, I think he had an extravagant sent off, I wondered

what your three views were. Good one.

I love the idea of someone just lying in state and it is just

because he wanted to. Nobody else lies in state. Why do they do? The

fact that people were travelling, there was a guy from London who

travelled up in a tracksuit and a headband.

Did anyone here ever write to Jim' ale Fix It? What did you ask for?

wrote to Jimmy Savile and have got a big collection of wrestling mem

ra bill la. I didn't know his address and I put

Jimmy Savile a big flat in Leeds and it came back the next day

signed. The next day? The next day. We had

a postal service then! LAUGHTER

That had everything, it had wrestling, it had Jimmy Savile,

politics. LAUGHTER

Maybe your dad just faked his signatures and brought it back to

you. I'm just offering it up as a solution. Look at his face.

I would like to talk about him. His whole life was about charity. He

was like one of the first big celebrity charity people. What

would you guess was the top three things that people give to? Animals,

you would think. Animals I have to say is down in fifth. It is at 14%.

Not as high as you think. I thought animals because if I see a homeless

person on their own, forget it. If they have got a dog, I will give

them some money, you know what I mean? I think, "They have got a bit

of dog, buy a bit more string." What else would you guess? Children.

Children is number two. He that's going to be a big one. Cancer.

I have never done a show before where people shouted cancer. Yeah,

that medical research is the top one, that's what most people give

to. Overseas is third. It didn't go down very well.

LAUGHTER What do you think the elderly get?

7%. And they are probably giving most of the others. Most of the cat

stuff. LAUGHTER

Most people in the audience that do stuff for charity, anyone?

That that bloke. Can I ask what charity you do it for?

charities that you can see what is happening. We did it to Dogs Trust

and military. Dogs Trust did you say? Dogs Trust.

What's your name? Mark. How do you decide on that? I gave

money to something called the Spectacle Bear to save the

spectacle bear? Is that because Stephen Fry had your hand twisted

behind your back? No, that was another night. I didn't have to

give money then. He gave you money.

He gave me me 80 quid and a jacket. LAUGHTER

No, but I just saw a picture of this bear and it looked like it had

sunglasses on and I thought I would pay for that.

LAUGHTER I'm thinking, are you a dog, do you

have dogs? We have two rescue dogs. You have two rescue dogs with the

little bottle of brandy on the neck?

Let's say I'm going to give give 100 quid tonight to charity, right?

I'm going to give either to donkeys or cats, right? How many people

here would say I should give to donkeys?

How many to cats? Let's see if I can convert the cat

people? Let's see if I can get you over to the donkey. I would like it

to be unanimous. We have a picture of a donkey.

Is it just shagged Pudsey Bear? There is actually a cigarette in

the other hoof. That's the incident where Pudsey got blinded.

LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

We have got a picture of a cat. LAUGHTER

Do you really want to give money to that slimy alien? It is still pussy

and ass with you. Donkeys, they visit the sick, don't

they? They are hospital visitors. We have got a picture.

LAUGHTER And also if the television breaks

down in an old people's home, the donkeys will step in as a

replacement. LAUGHTER

My money is with the donkeys and that's fine.

Ann Widdecombe supports a lot of donkey charities.

OK, maybe the cats then. Do the donkeys sporranan Widdecombe,

that's what I -- sporranan Widdecombe, that's what I want to

know. There has been a lot of stuff in the papers this week about

border control. Apparently all sorts of people have been wandering

in. It was brought in to reduce queuing, people moaned about the

queuing. There is nothing more British than

queuing. It is funny you you should say that

because on the British citizenship test, queuing is one of the things

that would be migrants are asked about. It is regarded. Phil Woolas

who used to be the Immigration Minister under Labour. This is a

quote from him. He says, "The simple act of taking one's turn is

one of the things that holds our country together. It is very

important that newcomers take their place in queues whether it is for a

bus or for a cup of tea." Do you agree with that?

I'll tell you what is great when you are at the bar and you get that

moment when someone says, "Yes, mate." And you go, "Actually, I

think they are first. "you feel feel brilliant.

Sometimes you're doing that to feel good because you know actually you

were fifth and now you're second. That's true.

You just bumped yourself up the queue and felt really good about

yourself. I have done it when I have been

next and it has been my turn. She was pretty, wasn't she? She was

great. What I would really like to develop

is a way of not so much stopping people coming in as getting rid of

unpleasant people from Britain. Is there no way that we can just,

imagine what the country would be like if it was just nice people who

we kept in? Obviously there would be less people here tonight, but I

would be all right with that! I had this idea, you know, they used to

use devil's island, they used to put prisoners on an island and

leave them there, maybe we could do that. If you commit a crime and you

get convicted, if you commit a second crime, you have to go and

live on an island with the others? We have that, and it is called

Australia. It works.

You could use the decommissioned warships and put them off shore.

I have heard this suggested before. I want to make sure they are

definitely decommissioned. I don't want a drive-by shooting

when I'm on the beach in Brighton. Yes, I go on the beach in Brighton,

don't judge! Do you feel this country is

overcrowded? Who feels that? Everything is getting congested,

everything. I used to set off for work and it took me half an hour

and now it takes me an hour-and-a- half because there is too many cars

on the road. And because you moved. LAUGHTER

I bet Priscilla is nearing the end of her art? Am I right, Priscilla?

That's fabulous. That's very good. APPLAUSE

You made me look a bit grey. LAUGHTER

I like the fact that the desk in this version comes up to here, you

can't take the court out of what you're doing, he is in the dock.

You can't help yourself. That's why I've got that grey wig