Episode 2 Frank Skinner's Opinionated


Episode 2

Comedian Frank Skinner hosts a topical comedy series. Frank is joined in Maidstone by Alun Cochrane and Sarah Millican to unpick the week's most talked-about news stories.


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Transcript


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Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Opinionated, tonight from

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Maidstone. It has been a strange week. Meryl

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Streep was in London this week, plugging her new film, the life

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story of Margaret Thatcher. It shows all of the years she was in

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power. The film has a 12 certificate but apparently it is

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not suitable for miners. I do not know if you have been

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watching I'm A Celebrity, but the big news was that Freddie Starr

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felt sick after meeting camel tour. -- toe.

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You get used to it. Hazi Abdul Noor has become the world's all this

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bridegroom, after marrying his 60- year-old girlfriend in India this

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week. Here they are. -- our oldest. You know when you meet someone for

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the first time in a cafe or something and they're a bit late,

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you start thinking they do not fancy you. In this case you would

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think, he is dead. You can imagine their married life,

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with her saying, do you fancy breakfast in bed? And him saying,

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let's see how it goes? A woman in Russia claims that for

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the last two years she has had an alien in her fridge. I would say

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that, at any one time, I have at least three things in my vegetable

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drawer that look like that. This was the picture that appeared in

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the papers. What worries me about that is that it is on the top shelf.

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You see the plates underneath? I don't want aliens dripping into my

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food. Oxford City Council have planned to put CCTV in all of the

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city's taxis. That is going to be very embarrassing, isn't it? The

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this is a sensitive subject, but I once had the physical liaison in

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the back of a mini cab. I do not want to go into detail, but I can

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still remember the street lights reflecting on her scratchy. It was

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quite exciting. -- scrunchy. Anywhere on the left will be fine!

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I did not know who to payee first. Anyway, let's get started. Please

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welcome my guests, Sarah Millican and Alun Cochrane.

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You have done this show before, Sarah. Alun, you are new to it. I

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usually start by letting the audience bring up a subject for us

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to discuss. This audience look like they are straining at the leash.

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There is a lady with blond hair. you think the world will be a

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poorer place without people like Silvio Berlusconi on the stage, or

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is there always another buffoon to take the Place?

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I once saw a horrible story about him, allegedly with seven

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prostitutes in a room. The comment underneath, from one bloke, was

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legend. I do not know how you can manage seven people in a hotel room.

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There are two glasses, two cups. There is maybe a beaker in the

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bathroom. Not even everybody can have a drink, can they? He has not

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thought it through. I think he was thinking of the number of segments

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in a Chocolate bar. Many other stories we can discuss

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before we move on? What about the man in lavender? Justine Bebo's

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apparent baby. -- Bieber. What age are you? 16? Lovely. Would

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you call that should lavender? I would. I feel we have all the

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facts now. Justin's apparent baby - discuss.

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"apparent baby", did you say? I quite like the idea that Justin

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Apparently, he spent three-and-a- half minutes in Berlusconi's Patel

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run. -- hotel room. "come on, Justin, I haven't got all night." I

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think the latest is that he is not the father. Can I ask how many

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people have been watching I'm A Celebrity? There is a girl called

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Jessica Jane Clement. We have a picture of her. It is a classic

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model picture, showing quite a lovely engagement ring. This is her

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publicity shot just before going into the jungle. Suddenly that ring

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has disappeared. The makers of the show said it would not be so good

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if she wore an engagement ring on the show because it would take some

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of the tension out of it with some of the other contestants. Is it not

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just because she is going to be in the jungle, she will probably lose

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it? Perhaps it is in her shoe with her watch. She is going swimming.

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Do you know who Kim Kardashian his? She recently got married and then

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divorced fairly quickly. This is her husband, he is called Kris

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Humphries. He is a basketball player. He bought her an engagement

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ring which is worth �1.2 million. Does anyone think she is entitled

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to keep it? All: Yes.

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Mainly female voices there. know money you spend on your own

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idiocy, you call it idiot tax. When you spend money on your own

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stupidity, like I have some friends who locked themselves out of their

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own house when they were drunk and then had to pay 80 quid to a

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locksmith to get back in. That is a dear tax. It is a nice

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philosophical way of looking at it. And there is a Phyllis up of --

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philosophical things where, when you put jeans on you have not warm

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for a while, and you find a fibre of a tenor, I always consider that

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a tax rebate. -- a fibre, or �10. Can I ask a question? It is

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recommended in the UK that the price of the engagement ring should

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be a month's wages for a man. Would you say that was about what you

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spend? Roughly, yeah. Roughly under or over? Under. Why did you feel

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you needed it? Why not go straight to the wedding ring? It is

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traditional, isn't it? OK. thought I would do what everyone

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else does. That is a great attitude. Not dissimilar to that adopted in

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Nazi Germany. In Maidstone that could be applause for Nazi Germany.

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Our marriages a conversation that got out of hand, honestly. -- our

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marriage is. We were having a chat, my wife was washing up and then we

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were booking a wedding. It's true. Me and my boyfriend have been

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together for five years. We don't want to get married or engaged, we

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are happy as things are. Last Christmas, you know it is a

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traditional time to get engaged, we bought a box set of The Wire. We

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thought that was a long-term commitment.

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If you can establish that the ring that you used was a family heirloom

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of the man, he can usually get it back. When William and Katie used

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his mum's engagement ring, he could have got that back. I suppose he

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could have had her murdered in the night. We have a picture of the

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very beautiful Kate Middleton in die and a's ring. I think that is

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Prince Harry's hand on the left. He is a character! Let me show you

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something. What you think of this? This is rather stylish, I think.

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This, believe it or not, is called a mangagement ring. I think you can

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probably guess what it is. There is a fashion now, certainly in America

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at but apparently catching on here, of men wearing engagement rings as

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well as women. Michael Buble, the singer, loving it. Are there Rennie

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men here who would be quite keen on a mangagement ring?

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Only if it is worth 1.2 million! The man in a stripy shirt. I have a

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question. Do you think there is a time when you would take your

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wedding or engagement rings off and go out for the night? If so, why

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would you do that? You are not the man from We By Your

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Gold? Do you wear a wedding ring? would not take it off for the night.

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I think you know why we would do that. It is like saying, would you

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try to commit infidelity whilst on the telly? But would you admit

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that? No. No I wouldn't, and no I wouldn't.

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We have Dan Flanagan in the audience. Before we speak to you, I

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would like to show a little clip. Some of you will remember that

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there was a thing called the 4th plinth in Trafalgar Square, which

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is empty a lot of the time. A lot of people were given an hour each

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to do whatever they wanted to do on it. Here is a clip of Dan won the

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4th plinth. -- on the 4th plinth. Can I have you're attention,

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please? Sam, will you marry me? You had an owl on the 4th plinth.

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The whole thing wasn't a proposal, was it? No, the first 55 minutes

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was me, making a fool of myself. What would you have done it sheered

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said no? You couldn't the proposal at the beginning of it, and then we

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could have seen you crying for the next 55 minutes. I would have watch

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that. Maybe chatting up other women? Bringing them up on their

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left. Yeah, that's the best, cherry picker. Have you since got married?

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Yes, a year later. We are just about to have a baby, as well. It's

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Did you go on a plinth to do that, as well? You should call it Charles

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now. Plinth Charles. You used to make it a massive thing, an

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engagement, and if you broke it, you could be sued by the woman.

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There was a breach of promise. It was a really serious thing because

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the feeling was that the women's reputation had been tarnished

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because people would say, maybe there is something a bit strange

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about her. How long ago was this? don't think it was changed until

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1970, seriously. You could be done for breach of promise. Ridiculous.

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Times were different back then. We don't mind them a bit shop-soiled

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now. In those days, it was a do not beat if the scene is broken. I

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think, personally, this is my own idea, to replace the engagement

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ring. I think this is rather beautiful. What do you think about

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I reckon you'd save �1.2 million there. George Michael would love

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There has been that a report this week are that 51.3% of the

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population don't sleep or sleeper very badly, and it's becoming a

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widespread problem. Mainly due to old fashioned stress. It's sad, I

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know. Anyone here have trouble sleeping? Every night, really. I'm

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not sure it's my husband snoring. Next door? Next to me, snoring.

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Worrying about things during the day, the children. Just struggling

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going to sleep. Have you come up with any methods to help you to

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sleep? Drug-induced, generally. Lovely. Sleeping tablets? Yes,

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basically. The things you worry about would be, the children, work,

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everything. I'm a worrier. The tiniest minor thing. Would you

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worry about big things, global warming? No, not at all. Famine in

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Africa? No, I'm quite selfish, because it's all about my life.

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think that's fair enough. Don't Do you sleep all right? Yes, but I

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have got methods. I don't live with my partner, so I sleep better when

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he's not there because he snores as well. And sometimes, I a, sort of...

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This is going a bit silver Berlusconi is! Sometimes I sort

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I don't enjoy it. It's purely medicinal. I like the idea of what

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sorting yourself out. In Wales, they count sheep. Can I ask, has

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anyone ever actually tried counting sheep in order to get to sleep? Is

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that just the thing people say? That girl has, I can tell by her

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expression. I have tried it. It Of you just feel stupid, to be

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honest. How far did you get? think my record is 33 or something.

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You keep a record?! I think that might be your problem. But the idea

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is to let yourself go. This could be a personal best denied. That's

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not going to help. Is there anyone who admits they get stressed out by

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things? That man at the back. taxi-driver in Maidstone. OK. I

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take a point. What is the nature of the stress in your job? You just

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don't know who you are picking up and you can end up with all sorts

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in the back of for the have you had to challenge people in the past?

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Yes, I have, and I have found the golden rule is to not get out of

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For how many taxis did you lose Anyone got any tips for stress

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relief? What do you do? That lady at the back with, I nearly said the

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big hair, but I thought better of it. Dancing. Would you dance on

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your own in the house? Yes. Really? Do you put music on or is it in

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your head? You might have headphones on now for lino! -- for

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all I know! Sleep is the best cure for stress. This is a bed they

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tried to come up with in the 1950s, and it is supposed to be the answer

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ANNOUNCER: Adjusted now for sleep, take the bed and lower it for the

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night. I wrote to the sleeping porch, to return in the same manner

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in the morning it to the warmer bedroom after a night of rest for

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I live in south Manchester. I don't think it would be that peaceable. I

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would end up covered in fireworks and the bed has gone. Sleeping on a

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house bricks. Public speaking is regarded as one of the absolute

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most stressful things up as a has anyone had terrible speaking in

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public experiences? What about this young, handsome man at the front?

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Yes, when I made an opening speech and I tend to speak very fast when

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I'm nervous, so people thought I was Welsh. In what context? I work

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for an organisation bringing people to politics for the. What is it

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called? I've never heard of it. Bite the ballot. I'll, AC. -- Oh, I

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see. It's November and also known as Movember. The basic idea is that

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men are grow moustaches for charity for the. Slightly problematic for

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me because we used to call homosexuals Mos. For me, it

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suggests a whole different sort of event. Have you ever had a

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moustache? I've had a very ginger beard. But I haven't got them at

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the moment. I spotted that. They're supposed to be a female version

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because we can't really join in so much with it, but there is a female

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one recalled Fannuary! That sounds good. I notice there is a man here,

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with a moustache. They are quite rare at the moment. It is for

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Movember. Its come on a treat. getting out of hand now but it's

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got to go until the end of the month to make a valid. Are you

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allowed to trim it? It doesn't look cool, so you may as well keep it.

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It does. It doesn't. It moves back to the Movember I thought it was!

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You have combined all the meanings. When it's weird, and it's just a

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beard, and that bit there his beard. How much would you have to hate a

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moustache to grow a beard in isolation. The Amish community,

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lots of them in America, look at this for a fabulous ante moustache

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stance. They look like they are passing through clouds of. They

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look like they are on the last day, don't they? They should be able to

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pull them down like that. I have got a picture of me with a beard.

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They used to be men like that on at the news every night in the 1970s.

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Most of them were not eating at all well. Robert Perez, he used to play

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for Arsenal, and he looked like he That, to me, looks like he has got

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a mouth on a stick. This is JD a mouth on a stick. This is JD

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Samson. I can do that. It's funny you should say that because JD

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Samson is a woman from the band Le Tigre, and has made a positive

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stance, why should she works at off? Not keen? Is she growing at or

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has she had radiation? She is picking up a wife buy signal. --

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wi-fi. When you wash your face, do we use shampoo on your beard?

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yes, you have do otherwise you get dandruff. You can get dandruff.

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could use a head-and-shoulders up. And it turns. They should bring it

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out -- and churn ups. You separately do it? What is the

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process? There is always enough shampoo left Dover, after my hair,

:27:09.:27:14.

to do the front as well -- left over. Robbing Peter to pay Paul.

:27:14.:27:20.

It's very nice and it suits you. Some people, like Noel Edmonds,

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could you imagine him up without a beard? Do no. Well, let me help you.

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It looks like he has shaved his lips off as well and his teeth for

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the maybe that's why he has got a beard. Some people do it to

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compensate for the if you have got a week jawline, it's a good thing

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to have. I used to watch swap shop for sub I tell you what I didn't

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like about it. You know when you have a cover on the back of a sofa,

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just to give it a bit of... They used to have some really weird ones

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on Swap Shop. What are you offering? To me, that's

:28:08.:28:13.

inappropriate on a children's TV show. What was he swapping it for?

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Comedian Frank Skinner hosts a topical comedy series. Each week Frank is joined by two fellow comedians and a studio audience to unpick the week's most talked-about news stories. Frank is joined in Maidstone by Alun Cochrane and Sarah Millican.