Comedian Frank Skinner hosts a topical comedy series. Frank is joined in Maidstone by Alun Cochrane and Sarah Millican to unpick the week's most talked-about news stories.
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Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Opinionated, tonight from
Maidstone. It has been a strange week. Meryl
Streep was in London this week, plugging her new film, the life
story of Margaret Thatcher. It shows all of the years she was in
power. The film has a 12 certificate but apparently it is
not suitable for miners. I do not know if you have been
watching I'm A Celebrity, but the big news was that Freddie Starr
felt sick after meeting camel tour. -- toe.
You get used to it. Hazi Abdul Noor has become the world's all this
bridegroom, after marrying his 60- year-old girlfriend in India this
week. Here they are. -- our oldest. You know when you meet someone for
the first time in a cafe or something and they're a bit late,
you start thinking they do not fancy you. In this case you would
think, he is dead. You can imagine their married life,
with her saying, do you fancy breakfast in bed? And him saying,
let's see how it goes? A woman in Russia claims that for
the last two years she has had an alien in her fridge. I would say
that, at any one time, I have at least three things in my vegetable
drawer that look like that. This was the picture that appeared in
the papers. What worries me about that is that it is on the top shelf.
You see the plates underneath? I don't want aliens dripping into my
food. Oxford City Council have planned to put CCTV in all of the
city's taxis. That is going to be very embarrassing, isn't it? The
this is a sensitive subject, but I once had the physical liaison in
the back of a mini cab. I do not want to go into detail, but I can
still remember the street lights reflecting on her scratchy. It was
quite exciting. -- scrunchy. Anywhere on the left will be fine!
I did not know who to payee first. Anyway, let's get started. Please
welcome my guests, Sarah Millican and Alun Cochrane.
You have done this show before, Sarah. Alun, you are new to it. I
usually start by letting the audience bring up a subject for us
to discuss. This audience look like they are straining at the leash.
There is a lady with blond hair. you think the world will be a
poorer place without people like Silvio Berlusconi on the stage, or
is there always another buffoon to take the Place?
I once saw a horrible story about him, allegedly with seven
prostitutes in a room. The comment underneath, from one bloke, was
legend. I do not know how you can manage seven people in a hotel room.
There are two glasses, two cups. There is maybe a beaker in the
bathroom. Not even everybody can have a drink, can they? He has not
thought it through. I think he was thinking of the number of segments
in a Chocolate bar. Many other stories we can discuss
before we move on? What about the man in lavender? Justine Bebo's
apparent baby. -- Bieber. What age are you? 16? Lovely. Would
you call that should lavender? I would. I feel we have all the
facts now. Justin's apparent baby - discuss.
"apparent baby", did you say? I quite like the idea that Justin
Apparently, he spent three-and-a- half minutes in Berlusconi's Patel
run. -- hotel room. "come on, Justin, I haven't got all night." I
think the latest is that he is not the father. Can I ask how many
people have been watching I'm A Celebrity? There is a girl called
Jessica Jane Clement. We have a picture of her. It is a classic
model picture, showing quite a lovely engagement ring. This is her
publicity shot just before going into the jungle. Suddenly that ring
has disappeared. The makers of the show said it would not be so good
if she wore an engagement ring on the show because it would take some
of the tension out of it with some of the other contestants. Is it not
just because she is going to be in the jungle, she will probably lose
it? Perhaps it is in her shoe with her watch. She is going swimming.
Do you know who Kim Kardashian his? She recently got married and then
divorced fairly quickly. This is her husband, he is called Kris
Humphries. He is a basketball player. He bought her an engagement
ring which is worth �1.2 million. Does anyone think she is entitled
to keep it? All: Yes.
Mainly female voices there. know money you spend on your own
idiocy, you call it idiot tax. When you spend money on your own
stupidity, like I have some friends who locked themselves out of their
own house when they were drunk and then had to pay 80 quid to a
locksmith to get back in. That is a dear tax. It is a nice
philosophical way of looking at it. And there is a Phyllis up of --
philosophical things where, when you put jeans on you have not warm
for a while, and you find a fibre of a tenor, I always consider that
a tax rebate. -- a fibre, or �10. Can I ask a question? It is
recommended in the UK that the price of the engagement ring should
be a month's wages for a man. Would you say that was about what you
spend? Roughly, yeah. Roughly under or over? Under. Why did you feel
you needed it? Why not go straight to the wedding ring? It is
traditional, isn't it? OK. thought I would do what everyone
else does. That is a great attitude. Not dissimilar to that adopted in
Nazi Germany. In Maidstone that could be applause for Nazi Germany.
Our marriages a conversation that got out of hand, honestly. -- our
marriage is. We were having a chat, my wife was washing up and then we
were booking a wedding. It's true. Me and my boyfriend have been
together for five years. We don't want to get married or engaged, we
are happy as things are. Last Christmas, you know it is a
traditional time to get engaged, we bought a box set of The Wire. We
thought that was a long-term commitment.
If you can establish that the ring that you used was a family heirloom
of the man, he can usually get it back. When William and Katie used
his mum's engagement ring, he could have got that back. I suppose he
could have had her murdered in the night. We have a picture of the
very beautiful Kate Middleton in die and a's ring. I think that is
Prince Harry's hand on the left. He is a character! Let me show you
something. What you think of this? This is rather stylish, I think.
This, believe it or not, is called a mangagement ring. I think you can
probably guess what it is. There is a fashion now, certainly in America
at but apparently catching on here, of men wearing engagement rings as
well as women. Michael Buble, the singer, loving it. Are there Rennie
men here who would be quite keen on a mangagement ring?
Only if it is worth 1.2 million! The man in a stripy shirt. I have a
question. Do you think there is a time when you would take your
wedding or engagement rings off and go out for the night? If so, why
would you do that? You are not the man from We By Your
Gold? Do you wear a wedding ring? would not take it off for the night.
I think you know why we would do that. It is like saying, would you
try to commit infidelity whilst on the telly? But would you admit
that? No. No I wouldn't, and no I wouldn't.
We have Dan Flanagan in the audience. Before we speak to you, I
would like to show a little clip. Some of you will remember that
there was a thing called the 4th plinth in Trafalgar Square, which
is empty a lot of the time. A lot of people were given an hour each
to do whatever they wanted to do on it. Here is a clip of Dan won the
4th plinth. -- on the 4th plinth. Can I have you're attention,
please? Sam, will you marry me? You had an owl on the 4th plinth.
The whole thing wasn't a proposal, was it? No, the first 55 minutes
was me, making a fool of myself. What would you have done it sheered
said no? You couldn't the proposal at the beginning of it, and then we
could have seen you crying for the next 55 minutes. I would have watch
that. Maybe chatting up other women? Bringing them up on their
left. Yeah, that's the best, cherry picker. Have you since got married?
Yes, a year later. We are just about to have a baby, as well. It's
Did you go on a plinth to do that, as well? You should call it Charles
now. Plinth Charles. You used to make it a massive thing, an
engagement, and if you broke it, you could be sued by the woman.
There was a breach of promise. It was a really serious thing because
the feeling was that the women's reputation had been tarnished
because people would say, maybe there is something a bit strange
about her. How long ago was this? don't think it was changed until
1970, seriously. You could be done for breach of promise. Ridiculous.
Times were different back then. We don't mind them a bit shop-soiled
now. In those days, it was a do not beat if the scene is broken. I
think, personally, this is my own idea, to replace the engagement
ring. I think this is rather beautiful. What do you think about
I reckon you'd save �1.2 million there. George Michael would love
There has been that a report this week are that 51.3% of the
population don't sleep or sleeper very badly, and it's becoming a
widespread problem. Mainly due to old fashioned stress. It's sad, I
know. Anyone here have trouble sleeping? Every night, really. I'm
not sure it's my husband snoring. Next door? Next to me, snoring.
Worrying about things during the day, the children. Just struggling
going to sleep. Have you come up with any methods to help you to
sleep? Drug-induced, generally. Lovely. Sleeping tablets? Yes,
basically. The things you worry about would be, the children, work,
everything. I'm a worrier. The tiniest minor thing. Would you
worry about big things, global warming? No, not at all. Famine in
Africa? No, I'm quite selfish, because it's all about my life.
think that's fair enough. Don't Do you sleep all right? Yes, but I
have got methods. I don't live with my partner, so I sleep better when
he's not there because he snores as well. And sometimes, I a, sort of...
This is going a bit silver Berlusconi is! Sometimes I sort
I don't enjoy it. It's purely medicinal. I like the idea of what
sorting yourself out. In Wales, they count sheep. Can I ask, has
anyone ever actually tried counting sheep in order to get to sleep? Is
that just the thing people say? That girl has, I can tell by her
expression. I have tried it. It Of you just feel stupid, to be
honest. How far did you get? think my record is 33 or something.
You keep a record?! I think that might be your problem. But the idea
is to let yourself go. This could be a personal best denied. That's
not going to help. Is there anyone who admits they get stressed out by
things? That man at the back. taxi-driver in Maidstone. OK. I
take a point. What is the nature of the stress in your job? You just
don't know who you are picking up and you can end up with all sorts
in the back of for the have you had to challenge people in the past?
Yes, I have, and I have found the golden rule is to not get out of
For how many taxis did you lose Anyone got any tips for stress
relief? What do you do? That lady at the back with, I nearly said the
big hair, but I thought better of it. Dancing. Would you dance on
your own in the house? Yes. Really? Do you put music on or is it in
your head? You might have headphones on now for lino! -- for
all I know! Sleep is the best cure for stress. This is a bed they
tried to come up with in the 1950s, and it is supposed to be the answer
ANNOUNCER: Adjusted now for sleep, take the bed and lower it for the
night. I wrote to the sleeping porch, to return in the same manner
in the morning it to the warmer bedroom after a night of rest for
I live in south Manchester. I don't think it would be that peaceable. I
would end up covered in fireworks and the bed has gone. Sleeping on a
house bricks. Public speaking is regarded as one of the absolute
most stressful things up as a has anyone had terrible speaking in
public experiences? What about this young, handsome man at the front?
Yes, when I made an opening speech and I tend to speak very fast when
I'm nervous, so people thought I was Welsh. In what context? I work
for an organisation bringing people to politics for the. What is it
called? I've never heard of it. Bite the ballot. I'll, AC. -- Oh, I
see. It's November and also known as Movember. The basic idea is that
men are grow moustaches for charity for the. Slightly problematic for
me because we used to call homosexuals Mos. For me, it
suggests a whole different sort of event. Have you ever had a
moustache? I've had a very ginger beard. But I haven't got them at
the moment. I spotted that. They're supposed to be a female version
because we can't really join in so much with it, but there is a female
one recalled Fannuary! That sounds good. I notice there is a man here,
with a moustache. They are quite rare at the moment. It is for
Movember. Its come on a treat. getting out of hand now but it's
got to go until the end of the month to make a valid. Are you
allowed to trim it? It doesn't look cool, so you may as well keep it.
It does. It doesn't. It moves back to the Movember I thought it was!
You have combined all the meanings. When it's weird, and it's just a
beard, and that bit there his beard. How much would you have to hate a
moustache to grow a beard in isolation. The Amish community,
lots of them in America, look at this for a fabulous ante moustache
stance. They look like they are passing through clouds of. They
look like they are on the last day, don't they? They should be able to
pull them down like that. I have got a picture of me with a beard.
They used to be men like that on at the news every night in the 1970s.
Most of them were not eating at all well. Robert Perez, he used to play
for Arsenal, and he looked like he That, to me, looks like he has got
a mouth on a stick. This is JD a mouth on a stick. This is JD
Samson. I can do that. It's funny you should say that because JD
Samson is a woman from the band Le Tigre, and has made a positive
stance, why should she works at off? Not keen? Is she growing at or
has she had radiation? She is picking up a wife buy signal. --
wi-fi. When you wash your face, do we use shampoo on your beard?
yes, you have do otherwise you get dandruff. You can get dandruff.
could use a head-and-shoulders up. And it turns. They should bring it
out -- and churn ups. You separately do it? What is the
process? There is always enough shampoo left Dover, after my hair,
to do the front as well -- left over. Robbing Peter to pay Paul.
It's very nice and it suits you. Some people, like Noel Edmonds,
could you imagine him up without a beard? Do no. Well, let me help you.
It looks like he has shaved his lips off as well and his teeth for
the maybe that's why he has got a beard. Some people do it to
compensate for the if you have got a week jawline, it's a good thing
to have. I used to watch swap shop for sub I tell you what I didn't
like about it. You know when you have a cover on the back of a sofa,
just to give it a bit of... They used to have some really weird ones
on Swap Shop. What are you offering? To me, that's
inappropriate on a children's TV show. What was he swapping it for?
Comedian Frank Skinner hosts a topical comedy series. Each week Frank is joined by two fellow comedians and a studio audience to unpick the week's most talked-about news stories. Frank is joined in Maidstone by Alun Cochrane and Sarah Millican.