Episode 2 Frank Skinner's Opinionated

Episode 2

Comedian Frank Skinner hosts a topical comedy series. Frank is joined in Maidstone by Alun Cochrane and Sarah Millican to unpick the week's most talked-about news stories.

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Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Opinionated, tonight from


Maidstone. It has been a strange week. Meryl


Streep was in London this week, plugging her new film, the life


story of Margaret Thatcher. It shows all of the years she was in


power. The film has a 12 certificate but apparently it is


not suitable for miners. I do not know if you have been


watching I'm A Celebrity, but the big news was that Freddie Starr


felt sick after meeting camel tour. -- toe.


You get used to it. Hazi Abdul Noor has become the world's all this


bridegroom, after marrying his 60- year-old girlfriend in India this


week. Here they are. -- our oldest. You know when you meet someone for


the first time in a cafe or something and they're a bit late,


you start thinking they do not fancy you. In this case you would


think, he is dead. You can imagine their married life,


with her saying, do you fancy breakfast in bed? And him saying,


let's see how it goes? A woman in Russia claims that for


the last two years she has had an alien in her fridge. I would say


that, at any one time, I have at least three things in my vegetable


drawer that look like that. This was the picture that appeared in


the papers. What worries me about that is that it is on the top shelf.


You see the plates underneath? I don't want aliens dripping into my


food. Oxford City Council have planned to put CCTV in all of the


city's taxis. That is going to be very embarrassing, isn't it? The


this is a sensitive subject, but I once had the physical liaison in


the back of a mini cab. I do not want to go into detail, but I can


still remember the street lights reflecting on her scratchy. It was


quite exciting. -- scrunchy. Anywhere on the left will be fine!


I did not know who to payee first. Anyway, let's get started. Please


welcome my guests, Sarah Millican and Alun Cochrane.


You have done this show before, Sarah. Alun, you are new to it. I


usually start by letting the audience bring up a subject for us


to discuss. This audience look like they are straining at the leash.


There is a lady with blond hair. you think the world will be a


poorer place without people like Silvio Berlusconi on the stage, or


is there always another buffoon to take the Place?


I once saw a horrible story about him, allegedly with seven


prostitutes in a room. The comment underneath, from one bloke, was


legend. I do not know how you can manage seven people in a hotel room.


There are two glasses, two cups. There is maybe a beaker in the


bathroom. Not even everybody can have a drink, can they? He has not


thought it through. I think he was thinking of the number of segments


in a Chocolate bar. Many other stories we can discuss


before we move on? What about the man in lavender? Justine Bebo's


apparent baby. -- Bieber. What age are you? 16? Lovely. Would


you call that should lavender? I would. I feel we have all the


facts now. Justin's apparent baby - discuss.


"apparent baby", did you say? I quite like the idea that Justin


Apparently, he spent three-and-a- half minutes in Berlusconi's Patel


run. -- hotel room. "come on, Justin, I haven't got all night." I


think the latest is that he is not the father. Can I ask how many


people have been watching I'm A Celebrity? There is a girl called


Jessica Jane Clement. We have a picture of her. It is a classic


model picture, showing quite a lovely engagement ring. This is her


publicity shot just before going into the jungle. Suddenly that ring


has disappeared. The makers of the show said it would not be so good


if she wore an engagement ring on the show because it would take some


of the tension out of it with some of the other contestants. Is it not


just because she is going to be in the jungle, she will probably lose


it? Perhaps it is in her shoe with her watch. She is going swimming.


Do you know who Kim Kardashian his? She recently got married and then


divorced fairly quickly. This is her husband, he is called Kris


Humphries. He is a basketball player. He bought her an engagement


ring which is worth �1.2 million. Does anyone think she is entitled


to keep it? All: Yes.


Mainly female voices there. know money you spend on your own


idiocy, you call it idiot tax. When you spend money on your own


stupidity, like I have some friends who locked themselves out of their


own house when they were drunk and then had to pay 80 quid to a


locksmith to get back in. That is a dear tax. It is a nice


philosophical way of looking at it. And there is a Phyllis up of --


philosophical things where, when you put jeans on you have not warm


for a while, and you find a fibre of a tenor, I always consider that


a tax rebate. -- a fibre, or �10. Can I ask a question? It is


recommended in the UK that the price of the engagement ring should


be a month's wages for a man. Would you say that was about what you


spend? Roughly, yeah. Roughly under or over? Under. Why did you feel


you needed it? Why not go straight to the wedding ring? It is


traditional, isn't it? OK. thought I would do what everyone


else does. That is a great attitude. Not dissimilar to that adopted in


Nazi Germany. In Maidstone that could be applause for Nazi Germany.


Our marriages a conversation that got out of hand, honestly. -- our


marriage is. We were having a chat, my wife was washing up and then we


were booking a wedding. It's true. Me and my boyfriend have been


together for five years. We don't want to get married or engaged, we


are happy as things are. Last Christmas, you know it is a


traditional time to get engaged, we bought a box set of The Wire. We


thought that was a long-term commitment.


If you can establish that the ring that you used was a family heirloom


of the man, he can usually get it back. When William and Katie used


his mum's engagement ring, he could have got that back. I suppose he


could have had her murdered in the night. We have a picture of the


very beautiful Kate Middleton in die and a's ring. I think that is


Prince Harry's hand on the left. He is a character! Let me show you


something. What you think of this? This is rather stylish, I think.


This, believe it or not, is called a mangagement ring. I think you can


probably guess what it is. There is a fashion now, certainly in America


at but apparently catching on here, of men wearing engagement rings as


well as women. Michael Buble, the singer, loving it. Are there Rennie


men here who would be quite keen on a mangagement ring?


Only if it is worth 1.2 million! The man in a stripy shirt. I have a


question. Do you think there is a time when you would take your


wedding or engagement rings off and go out for the night? If so, why


would you do that? You are not the man from We By Your


Gold? Do you wear a wedding ring? would not take it off for the night.


I think you know why we would do that. It is like saying, would you


try to commit infidelity whilst on the telly? But would you admit


that? No. No I wouldn't, and no I wouldn't.


We have Dan Flanagan in the audience. Before we speak to you, I


would like to show a little clip. Some of you will remember that


there was a thing called the 4th plinth in Trafalgar Square, which


is empty a lot of the time. A lot of people were given an hour each


to do whatever they wanted to do on it. Here is a clip of Dan won the


4th plinth. -- on the 4th plinth. Can I have you're attention,


please? Sam, will you marry me? You had an owl on the 4th plinth.


The whole thing wasn't a proposal, was it? No, the first 55 minutes


was me, making a fool of myself. What would you have done it sheered


said no? You couldn't the proposal at the beginning of it, and then we


could have seen you crying for the next 55 minutes. I would have watch


that. Maybe chatting up other women? Bringing them up on their


left. Yeah, that's the best, cherry picker. Have you since got married?


Yes, a year later. We are just about to have a baby, as well. It's


Did you go on a plinth to do that, as well? You should call it Charles


now. Plinth Charles. You used to make it a massive thing, an


engagement, and if you broke it, you could be sued by the woman.


There was a breach of promise. It was a really serious thing because


the feeling was that the women's reputation had been tarnished


because people would say, maybe there is something a bit strange


about her. How long ago was this? don't think it was changed until


1970, seriously. You could be done for breach of promise. Ridiculous.


Times were different back then. We don't mind them a bit shop-soiled


now. In those days, it was a do not beat if the scene is broken. I


think, personally, this is my own idea, to replace the engagement


ring. I think this is rather beautiful. What do you think about


I reckon you'd save �1.2 million there. George Michael would love


There has been that a report this week are that 51.3% of the


population don't sleep or sleeper very badly, and it's becoming a


widespread problem. Mainly due to old fashioned stress. It's sad, I


know. Anyone here have trouble sleeping? Every night, really. I'm


not sure it's my husband snoring. Next door? Next to me, snoring.


Worrying about things during the day, the children. Just struggling


going to sleep. Have you come up with any methods to help you to


sleep? Drug-induced, generally. Lovely. Sleeping tablets? Yes,


basically. The things you worry about would be, the children, work,


everything. I'm a worrier. The tiniest minor thing. Would you


worry about big things, global warming? No, not at all. Famine in


Africa? No, I'm quite selfish, because it's all about my life.


think that's fair enough. Don't Do you sleep all right? Yes, but I


have got methods. I don't live with my partner, so I sleep better when


he's not there because he snores as well. And sometimes, I a, sort of...


This is going a bit silver Berlusconi is! Sometimes I sort


I don't enjoy it. It's purely medicinal. I like the idea of what


sorting yourself out. In Wales, they count sheep. Can I ask, has


anyone ever actually tried counting sheep in order to get to sleep? Is


that just the thing people say? That girl has, I can tell by her


expression. I have tried it. It Of you just feel stupid, to be


honest. How far did you get? think my record is 33 or something.


You keep a record?! I think that might be your problem. But the idea


is to let yourself go. This could be a personal best denied. That's


not going to help. Is there anyone who admits they get stressed out by


things? That man at the back. taxi-driver in Maidstone. OK. I


take a point. What is the nature of the stress in your job? You just


don't know who you are picking up and you can end up with all sorts


in the back of for the have you had to challenge people in the past?


Yes, I have, and I have found the golden rule is to not get out of


For how many taxis did you lose Anyone got any tips for stress


relief? What do you do? That lady at the back with, I nearly said the


big hair, but I thought better of it. Dancing. Would you dance on


your own in the house? Yes. Really? Do you put music on or is it in


your head? You might have headphones on now for lino! -- for


all I know! Sleep is the best cure for stress. This is a bed they


tried to come up with in the 1950s, and it is supposed to be the answer


ANNOUNCER: Adjusted now for sleep, take the bed and lower it for the


night. I wrote to the sleeping porch, to return in the same manner


in the morning it to the warmer bedroom after a night of rest for


I live in south Manchester. I don't think it would be that peaceable. I


would end up covered in fireworks and the bed has gone. Sleeping on a


house bricks. Public speaking is regarded as one of the absolute


most stressful things up as a has anyone had terrible speaking in


public experiences? What about this young, handsome man at the front?


Yes, when I made an opening speech and I tend to speak very fast when


I'm nervous, so people thought I was Welsh. In what context? I work


for an organisation bringing people to politics for the. What is it


called? I've never heard of it. Bite the ballot. I'll, AC. -- Oh, I


see. It's November and also known as Movember. The basic idea is that


men are grow moustaches for charity for the. Slightly problematic for


me because we used to call homosexuals Mos. For me, it


suggests a whole different sort of event. Have you ever had a


moustache? I've had a very ginger beard. But I haven't got them at


the moment. I spotted that. They're supposed to be a female version


because we can't really join in so much with it, but there is a female


one recalled Fannuary! That sounds good. I notice there is a man here,


with a moustache. They are quite rare at the moment. It is for


Movember. Its come on a treat. getting out of hand now but it's


got to go until the end of the month to make a valid. Are you


allowed to trim it? It doesn't look cool, so you may as well keep it.


It does. It doesn't. It moves back to the Movember I thought it was!


You have combined all the meanings. When it's weird, and it's just a


beard, and that bit there his beard. How much would you have to hate a


moustache to grow a beard in isolation. The Amish community,


lots of them in America, look at this for a fabulous ante moustache


stance. They look like they are passing through clouds of. They


look like they are on the last day, don't they? They should be able to


pull them down like that. I have got a picture of me with a beard.


They used to be men like that on at the news every night in the 1970s.


Most of them were not eating at all well. Robert Perez, he used to play


for Arsenal, and he looked like he That, to me, looks like he has got


a mouth on a stick. This is JD a mouth on a stick. This is JD


Samson. I can do that. It's funny you should say that because JD


Samson is a woman from the band Le Tigre, and has made a positive


stance, why should she works at off? Not keen? Is she growing at or


has she had radiation? She is picking up a wife buy signal. --


wi-fi. When you wash your face, do we use shampoo on your beard?


yes, you have do otherwise you get dandruff. You can get dandruff.


could use a head-and-shoulders up. And it turns. They should bring it


out -- and churn ups. You separately do it? What is the


process? There is always enough shampoo left Dover, after my hair,


to do the front as well -- left over. Robbing Peter to pay Paul.


It's very nice and it suits you. Some people, like Noel Edmonds,


could you imagine him up without a beard? Do no. Well, let me help you.


It looks like he has shaved his lips off as well and his teeth for


the maybe that's why he has got a beard. Some people do it to


compensate for the if you have got a week jawline, it's a good thing


to have. I used to watch swap shop for sub I tell you what I didn't


like about it. You know when you have a cover on the back of a sofa,


just to give it a bit of... They used to have some really weird ones


on Swap Shop. What are you offering? To me, that's


inappropriate on a children's TV show. What was he swapping it for?


Comedian Frank Skinner hosts a topical comedy series. Each week Frank is joined by two fellow comedians and a studio audience to unpick the week's most talked-about news stories. Frank is joined in Maidstone by Alun Cochrane and Sarah Millican.