Episode 3 Frank Skinner's Opinionated

Episode 3

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This programme contains some strong Welcome to Frank Skinner's


Opinionated, tonight we're back in Maidstone.


Silvio Berlusconi has brought out on album of love songs this week.


Yeah, amazing. I can't imagine a British politician with the voice


for it. There are ruerbls that Ed Miliband is bringing out an album


called catarrh hero. Saif Gaddafi bros was captured this week. In


recent months Saif Gaddafi has been seen all over the place with a


confident V sign. And there has been a rumour going around, since


he has been captured they have cut his fingers off. He insists on


describing his injury as an accident. Here's a clip of him when


he was free and defiant. We have plan A and plan B and plan C. Plan


A is to live and die in Libya. Plan B is to live and kie in - in Libya.


And plan C is to live in - and die in Libya. I wish the interviewer


jumped in and said "can I guess on the second one". Saif is making


preparations for his trial in Libya, smoking a cigarette and putting on


a blindfold. The process is delayed. He keeps dropping the cigarette.


The big story in Kent this week is a 73-year-old woman from herne bay


that every night a ghost is groping her. Did you read that? She reckons


that the other ghosts disaprauf. She can hear them shouting things


like get a tomb! Please welcome my guests Victoria


Coren and Greg Da - Greg Davis. So welcome to the show. I don't


know if you saw the story Benetton have put up a series of posters,


and it's a great statesmen of the world basically snogging each other.


We have one here of Obama supposedly kissing Hu Jintao. The


Chinese leader. Supposedly? What it is, it is a clever piece of photo


shopping. They were definitely getting off with each other. What


do you make of these? They have got into a lot of trouble about them.


think it's mill layerous trying to make out they are shocked having


that image, that image was not going to cause problems with the


Catholic Church. The big one was the Pope was kissing an Imam from


Egypt. The one of Obama is fine, the one of the Imam and the Pope,


they are taken into registrations with a complication with


homosexuality. Benetton is put me in a position of thinking, have


some respect for people's homophobia. I think the Pope has


gone up a league, he used to kiss tarmac! How do you feel about


general kissing in public? I mean, whoever it is. Sometimes you are in


a park and there's a couple really going at it. Are you okay with


that? No. I think it's absolutely repulsive. I find other people


snogging absolutely repulsive. It's like watching a mother bird feed


her young. You feed that repulsive! I was at a bus stop and there was a


couple next to me and they started snogging and they started leaning


on me. And I realised after a bit if I move they would actually fall


over. And there were so close by this stage I could here that slurp.


It made me feel awful. Do you think that counts as having a streesome.


I... I copped a quick feel! I don't think he noticed. And also, I'm


going to be honest about this. I was on the South Bank of the Thames


and I saw a couple snogging. Really snogging big-time. And I would say


they were probably late 50's. That should not, you know, I'm no youth


myself. For me had it been teenagers, but you kind of think no.


Once you have got one grey hair, you have got to stop. The noises


are worse when you are older. Things are looser. Sounds like


someone repeatedly lobbing wet flesh .... Against a backdrop of


bron kites. This is an invention they com came up in Italy. Here's a


young couple meeting each other. They are on the verge of kissing.


That bag they are kissing is not as straightforward as it looks. That's


commercially available. It's called a Veasyble. So you can snog in


public without people being offended. Nobody would notice.


would think you were a dandy lion. I think it's weird to shake hands.


You see two men meeting each other, they are holding hands for a moment


and moving it up and down and putting it away. Good point! Here


is a kiss that goes very wrong. See what you think. Hillary Clinton and


bill Clinton. Watch. Ouch! That was deliberate was it not. That's


because he seemed to attempt to lift her right breast up before the


clip. - kiss. The hands... I think he was wiping something off the


dress! Anyone else with views of public kissing? Anyone here who


does it, and proud 20 do it. This lady in the front? I like to but my


husband doesn't. I end up getting a cheek most of the time. You thought


you would say I end up having an affair. You would not have any


problem. I think it's nice for people to show affection. I always


imagine when I meet a new couple, I always imagine them doing it.


Do you not? No. I was a bit quiet at the beginning of the show. I've


been through all of you lot. Some of you are disgusting. Those two!


What about this on the holding hands front. It's actually, it's


called a smitten. Try that. You can hold hands in cold weather.


mean... It's actually quite nice. There's plenty of room in there. If


you want to swing a baby between you, you can get one in. We need


longer than half an hour. Do you know in the Arab world holding


hands between men is absolutely the norm in public. We have got a


picture much George Bush the then President of the United States


meeting Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah, and George Bush completely joined


in. And then it got even more Benetton after that. And that went


a bit wrong... Can I show you one really cute animal? This is a cute,


cute animal. As long as it's getting off with something.


Otters... I got three aahs from saying the world. Otters hold hands.


And I make this even cuter by telling the main reason they hold


hands, it's they don't drift apart when they're sleeping. What


unfortunately ruins that is the one on the left was dead. We have got


Anna Nathan in the audience. You run Kulgdz workshops. Yes. What's


it all about? It's an opportunity for people to get together who pant


o want to have physical contact with others. Who want to be kulgdzy.


A lot of people want to, but our British culture doesn't allow for


it. You say a chemical reaction happens when you hug someone.


produce a chemical called oxytocin, it floods your system. It's the


same chemical you get when you fall in love and get a new baby. You -


when you kulgdz a stranger it it is the same as having a baby! You seem


a little stressed Victoria. I've got a rubber smitten if you need


one! Isn't there a story you said one of your pupils went to the


optician and what happened? It was the day after a kulgdz workshop.


She was feeling cuddly. And at the end of the appointment she said,


would you like a hug? And the optician said, Oh nobody has ever


asked me that before. And they had a hug. And she said that was lovely


thank you so much. Did the option go, what is better, this or this!


Can't we have a Group 1 one where everyone does that everyone could


hug now. Everybody who wants to hug Come on, let's see! You have to hug,


Absolutely beautiful. I thought it was a lovely moment. It was really


nice. Like the 60's. If only we had some powerful drugs. I would like


you... It's national eating out week. This is straupbts. We have


moved on from public displays of affection. There's a thing in


America now, I don't know if you're aware in American school meals


there's asked to be a certain amount of vegetables portions, you


have to have two vegetables. And they are trying to get pizza


classified as a vegetable. And the argument is it's because it has


tomato paste on it. That's why it qualifies. And the tragic is a


tomato isn't even a vegetable. is. It's a fruit. It's a vegetable.


It is a fruit. I want to watch you eat a bowl with custard and I


believe it's a fruit. I want to watch that as well. Get me a bowl


of tomatos and custard. If he eats it all I will say it's a fruit.


What about this? An idea for big eaters to keep fit. There's a song


called Eat y'Self Fitter. This qualifies. As you're eating your


meal you're working out with this dumb bell cutlery. They are weighty.


Tucking it in. They are commercialy available. Amazing. And the good


thing is the pudding spoon is a bit heavier. And they're great, they


look a bit like sports trophies. This is is a meal in Japan. And the


table display is let's say unorthodox. This is what they


called the sushi virgins. And this person is covered with sushi, and


people off her. I thought I would not mind going, eating the meal and


saying I have no money but I will do the washing up. They have a chef


in the audience. Malloch-Brown. And you're, I don't want to sing your


praises but you're a top chef. Allegedly. Got your own place and


that. You hear lots of stuff with chefs being like nutters and


aggressive, and shouting at customers. Is that done for show.


Situations amazing - araising where tempers can be afraid. It's


happened to me once or two in the past. I'm calm and adult now.


have you done. In the last ten years I've been building my own


restaurants and they have all got open kitchens. Some of the staff in


the past. I started off as a waiter. We had customers in, who were


awkward. An older guy, showing off a younger girl he was with, saying


excuse me young man, come here, I want some lapsang -souchong...


tea! And I took it over to him and did the full service. It's I was


quite po light. He tried to show off and say it isn't like that. And


it said it on the label. He said this isn't good enough can you take


it away and get something else. I took the tea pot and the tea into


the toilets... And I pissed in the tea pot. And then... I rubbed my


dick around... Edge of the cup. It's a technical term. Northern


term. And I had great pleasure watching this pain in the arse


customer drink my piss. Did he like it better? He agreed it was much


better. Has anybody here ever done a runner? Run off without paying?


The man in the tie k did a runner? I nearly done a runner, it was in


Spain. We had eaten outside and went inside to watch the dancing.


Another couple came in, and one of the daners did the thing on the


stage, and the speaker on the wall fell down, and hit the man next to


me on the head. He was covered in blood. And the owner came out, and


he was mopping the blood off his head. And I said to me wife "we've


got a chance here, we have a - can do a runner ...". No we paid.


Nearly. It's the thought that kaupbts. Swinging it around a bit.


The Gallaghers, Noel and Liam they row now, the biggest they have ever


had, got to the point where it's got to actually going to court. Are


you big arguers? I'm moving on to the subject of arguing. I like an


argument. I'm not surprised to hear that. It's like the opposite 6 hugs,


and kisses. I like an argument with a stranger. I like it with a


stranger. A road rage. Or a battle with someone in the pub. Road rage


you like? Not violence. If someone shouts at me, and I like getting


out of the car and going up and saying go on then. I got out of the


car once. You got out of the car... I learned my lesson. It was years


ago. I was with my dad. Someone was beeping us. How tall are you?


six foot eight. We both got out. How did you both get in. It was


horrible though. It was an elderly couple, and they saw us and argh. I


haven't done it again. This is Michael Winner. This is a nice


argument between dining out and arguing. He is dining out, and


describing a big argument he had with Burt Lancaster. I was with


Burt in Mexico. He had to shoot his house. And the horse is lying there,


put to sleep. And Burt is smoot shooting it with a kolt 45. On the


third camera angle he goes to the horse and gets a Winchester rifle.


I said excuse me Sir, we were best friends, I said excuse me Sir, you


were using the kolt 45. He said bleep, I was bleep, bleep, I was


using a Winchester 73. He kpwrabs - grabs me by the lap yels. He was


screaming at me in the face. He the bleep, bleep, fat... What was I


shouting the horse with, I said a Winchesterer 73. You're right.


Wonderful man. Now, horrible, violent man! How many people here


are big arguers. A man down the front, with the spectacles on. Is


that your wife next to you? Sort of!. Are you a arguer. Yeah I do it


for a living. I'm a union rep. argue with management. I've been


arguing today. And I've been arguing the day before. I have the


weekends off. Then I generally go to the pub and have an argument.


Yur general tone of speaking is like an argument!. Do you take your


work home with you, so to speak? Sometimes yeah. Me and Cathy don't


really argue. She finds that hilarious. Now I tell you something


has come up on the autocue, it says It hasn't been exactly well


prepared. I'm supposed to put it in like this. Do you want me to help


it. We have a chef I can't ask him to cut tomatos. Probably rub it


around his arse hole. Which normally I would be fine with. Wow!


We'll see what is a fruit. I'll put these back down there. Four all


right? We'll see. Oohh. That's not right? We'll see. Oohh. That's not


mustard. Custard and tomato. Do you want to try it? Hmm! I imagine it's


all right. It's definitely a fruit. It's a fruit. It's actually pretty


good. Do you want to try a bit. Let me give you a different spoon.


is it heavy? It's a dumbbell spoon. It is heavy! It's a dumbbell spoon!


This is one of the least erotic scenes of all times. This isn't


when Harry met Sally is it! That's huge! Here comes the dumbbell.


That's a good girl. Chew. This is quite sexy! Shall I work out.


it much better than you thought. Yeah. It's the new thing... Johnny


I recommend you in the new restaurant. Tomatoes and custard.


All I can think about is can I get away with eating this custard.


definitely a fruit. That's a heavy spoon! It's a dumb bell spoon. What


did people think it would be like. Do you think I should rub the


custard in with my foot. If I had a pound for every time a man asked me


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