Episode 3 Frank Skinner's Opinionated

This programme contains some strong Welcome to Frank Skinner's

Opinionated, tonight we're back in Maidstone.

Silvio Berlusconi has brought out on album of love songs this week.

Yeah, amazing. I can't imagine a British politician with the voice

for it. There are ruerbls that Ed Miliband is bringing out an album

called catarrh hero. Saif Gaddafi bros was captured this week. In

recent months Saif Gaddafi has been seen all over the place with a

confident V sign. And there has been a rumour going around, since

he has been captured they have cut his fingers off. He insists on

describing his injury as an accident. Here's a clip of him when

he was free and defiant. We have plan A and plan B and plan C. Plan

A is to live and die in Libya. Plan B is to live and kie in - in Libya.

And plan C is to live in - and die in Libya. I wish the interviewer

jumped in and said "can I guess on the second one". Saif is making

preparations for his trial in Libya, smoking a cigarette and putting on

a blindfold. The process is delayed. He keeps dropping the cigarette.

The big story in Kent this week is a 73-year-old woman from herne bay

that every night a ghost is groping her. Did you read that? She reckons

that the other ghosts disaprauf. She can hear them shouting things

like get a tomb! Please welcome my guests Victoria

Coren and Greg Da - Greg Davis. So welcome to the show. I don't

know if you saw the story Benetton have put up a series of posters,

and it's a great statesmen of the world basically snogging each other.

We have one here of Obama supposedly kissing Hu Jintao. The

Chinese leader. Supposedly? What it is, it is a clever piece of photo

shopping. They were definitely getting off with each other. What

do you make of these? They have got into a lot of trouble about them.

think it's mill layerous trying to make out they are shocked having

that image, that image was not going to cause problems with the

Catholic Church. The big one was the Pope was kissing an Imam from

Egypt. The one of Obama is fine, the one of the Imam and the Pope,

they are taken into registrations with a complication with

homosexuality. Benetton is put me in a position of thinking, have

some respect for people's homophobia. I think the Pope has

gone up a league, he used to kiss tarmac! How do you feel about

general kissing in public? I mean, whoever it is. Sometimes you are in

a park and there's a couple really going at it. Are you okay with

that? No. I think it's absolutely repulsive. I find other people

snogging absolutely repulsive. It's like watching a mother bird feed

her young. You feed that repulsive! I was at a bus stop and there was a

couple next to me and they started snogging and they started leaning

on me. And I realised after a bit if I move they would actually fall

over. And there were so close by this stage I could here that slurp.

It made me feel awful. Do you think that counts as having a streesome.

I... I copped a quick feel! I don't think he noticed. And also, I'm

going to be honest about this. I was on the South Bank of the Thames

and I saw a couple snogging. Really snogging big-time. And I would say

they were probably late 50's. That should not, you know, I'm no youth

myself. For me had it been teenagers, but you kind of think no.

Once you have got one grey hair, you have got to stop. The noises

are worse when you are older. Things are looser. Sounds like

someone repeatedly lobbing wet flesh .... Against a backdrop of

bron kites. This is an invention they com came up in Italy. Here's a

young couple meeting each other. They are on the verge of kissing.

That bag they are kissing is not as straightforward as it looks. That's

commercially available. It's called a Veasyble. So you can snog in

public without people being offended. Nobody would notice.

would think you were a dandy lion. I think it's weird to shake hands.

You see two men meeting each other, they are holding hands for a moment

and moving it up and down and putting it away. Good point! Here

is a kiss that goes very wrong. See what you think. Hillary Clinton and

bill Clinton. Watch. Ouch! That was deliberate was it not. That's

because he seemed to attempt to lift her right breast up before the

clip. - kiss. The hands... I think he was wiping something off the

dress! Anyone else with views of public kissing? Anyone here who

does it, and proud 20 do it. This lady in the front? I like to but my

husband doesn't. I end up getting a cheek most of the time. You thought

you would say I end up having an affair. You would not have any

problem. I think it's nice for people to show affection. I always

imagine when I meet a new couple, I always imagine them doing it.

Do you not? No. I was a bit quiet at the beginning of the show. I've

been through all of you lot. Some of you are disgusting. Those two!

What about this on the holding hands front. It's actually, it's

called a smitten. Try that. You can hold hands in cold weather.

mean... It's actually quite nice. There's plenty of room in there. If

you want to swing a baby between you, you can get one in. We need

longer than half an hour. Do you know in the Arab world holding

hands between men is absolutely the norm in public. We have got a

picture much George Bush the then President of the United States

meeting Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah, and George Bush completely joined

in. And then it got even more Benetton after that. And that went

a bit wrong... Can I show you one really cute animal? This is a cute,

cute animal. As long as it's getting off with something.

Otters... I got three aahs from saying the world. Otters hold hands.

And I make this even cuter by telling the main reason they hold

hands, it's they don't drift apart when they're sleeping. What

unfortunately ruins that is the one on the left was dead. We have got

Anna Nathan in the audience. You run Kulgdz workshops. Yes. What's

it all about? It's an opportunity for people to get together who pant

o want to have physical contact with others. Who want to be kulgdzy.

A lot of people want to, but our British culture doesn't allow for

it. You say a chemical reaction happens when you hug someone.

produce a chemical called oxytocin, it floods your system. It's the

same chemical you get when you fall in love and get a new baby. You -

when you kulgdz a stranger it it is the same as having a baby! You seem

a little stressed Victoria. I've got a rubber smitten if you need

one! Isn't there a story you said one of your pupils went to the

optician and what happened? It was the day after a kulgdz workshop.

She was feeling cuddly. And at the end of the appointment she said,

would you like a hug? And the optician said, Oh nobody has ever

asked me that before. And they had a hug. And she said that was lovely

thank you so much. Did the option go, what is better, this or this!

Can't we have a Group 1 one where everyone does that everyone could

hug now. Everybody who wants to hug Come on, let's see! You have to hug,

Absolutely beautiful. I thought it was a lovely moment. It was really

nice. Like the 60's. If only we had some powerful drugs. I would like

you... It's national eating out week. This is straupbts. We have

moved on from public displays of affection. There's a thing in

America now, I don't know if you're aware in American school meals

there's asked to be a certain amount of vegetables portions, you

have to have two vegetables. And they are trying to get pizza

classified as a vegetable. And the argument is it's because it has

tomato paste on it. That's why it qualifies. And the tragic is a

tomato isn't even a vegetable. is. It's a fruit. It's a vegetable.

It is a fruit. I want to watch you eat a bowl with custard and I

believe it's a fruit. I want to watch that as well. Get me a bowl

of tomatos and custard. If he eats it all I will say it's a fruit.

What about this? An idea for big eaters to keep fit. There's a song

called Eat y'Self Fitter. This qualifies. As you're eating your

meal you're working out with this dumb bell cutlery. They are weighty.

Tucking it in. They are commercialy available. Amazing. And the good

thing is the pudding spoon is a bit heavier. And they're great, they

look a bit like sports trophies. This is is a meal in Japan. And the

table display is let's say unorthodox. This is what they

called the sushi virgins. And this person is covered with sushi, and

people off her. I thought I would not mind going, eating the meal and

saying I have no money but I will do the washing up. They have a chef

in the audience. Malloch-Brown. And you're, I don't want to sing your

praises but you're a top chef. Allegedly. Got your own place and

that. You hear lots of stuff with chefs being like nutters and

aggressive, and shouting at customers. Is that done for show.

Situations amazing - araising where tempers can be afraid. It's

happened to me once or two in the past. I'm calm and adult now.

have you done. In the last ten years I've been building my own

restaurants and they have all got open kitchens. Some of the staff in

the past. I started off as a waiter. We had customers in, who were

awkward. An older guy, showing off a younger girl he was with, saying

excuse me young man, come here, I want some lapsang -souchong...

tea! And I took it over to him and did the full service. It's I was

quite po light. He tried to show off and say it isn't like that. And

it said it on the label. He said this isn't good enough can you take

it away and get something else. I took the tea pot and the tea into

the toilets... And I pissed in the tea pot. And then... I rubbed my

dick around... Edge of the cup. It's a technical term. Northern

term. And I had great pleasure watching this pain in the arse

customer drink my piss. Did he like it better? He agreed it was much

better. Has anybody here ever done a runner? Run off without paying?

The man in the tie k did a runner? I nearly done a runner, it was in

Spain. We had eaten outside and went inside to watch the dancing.

Another couple came in, and one of the daners did the thing on the

stage, and the speaker on the wall fell down, and hit the man next to

me on the head. He was covered in blood. And the owner came out, and

he was mopping the blood off his head. And I said to me wife "we've

got a chance here, we have a - can do a runner ...". No we paid.

Nearly. It's the thought that kaupbts. Swinging it around a bit.

The Gallaghers, Noel and Liam they row now, the biggest they have ever

had, got to the point where it's got to actually going to court. Are

you big arguers? I'm moving on to the subject of arguing. I like an

argument. I'm not surprised to hear that. It's like the opposite 6 hugs,

and kisses. I like an argument with a stranger. I like it with a

stranger. A road rage. Or a battle with someone in the pub. Road rage

you like? Not violence. If someone shouts at me, and I like getting

out of the car and going up and saying go on then. I got out of the

car once. You got out of the car... I learned my lesson. It was years

ago. I was with my dad. Someone was beeping us. How tall are you?

six foot eight. We both got out. How did you both get in. It was

horrible though. It was an elderly couple, and they saw us and argh. I

haven't done it again. This is Michael Winner. This is a nice

argument between dining out and arguing. He is dining out, and

describing a big argument he had with Burt Lancaster. I was with

Burt in Mexico. He had to shoot his house. And the horse is lying there,

put to sleep. And Burt is smoot shooting it with a kolt 45. On the

third camera angle he goes to the horse and gets a Winchester rifle.

I said excuse me Sir, we were best friends, I said excuse me Sir, you

were using the kolt 45. He said bleep, I was bleep, bleep, I was

using a Winchester 73. He kpwrabs - grabs me by the lap yels. He was

screaming at me in the face. He the bleep, bleep, fat... What was I

shouting the horse with, I said a Winchesterer 73. You're right.

Wonderful man. Now, horrible, violent man! How many people here

are big arguers. A man down the front, with the spectacles on. Is

that your wife next to you? Sort of!. Are you a arguer. Yeah I do it

for a living. I'm a union rep. argue with management. I've been

arguing today. And I've been arguing the day before. I have the

weekends off. Then I generally go to the pub and have an argument.

Yur general tone of speaking is like an argument!. Do you take your

work home with you, so to speak? Sometimes yeah. Me and Cathy don't

really argue. She finds that hilarious. Now I tell you something

has come up on the autocue, it says It hasn't been exactly well

prepared. I'm supposed to put it in like this. Do you want me to help

it. We have a chef I can't ask him to cut tomatos. Probably rub it

around his arse hole. Which normally I would be fine with. Wow!

We'll see what is a fruit. I'll put these back down there. Four all

right? We'll see. Oohh. That's not right? We'll see. Oohh. That's not

mustard. Custard and tomato. Do you want to try it? Hmm! I imagine it's

all right. It's definitely a fruit. It's a fruit. It's actually pretty

good. Do you want to try a bit. Let me give you a different spoon.

is it heavy? It's a dumbbell spoon. It is heavy! It's a dumbbell spoon!

This is one of the least erotic scenes of all times. This isn't

when Harry met Sally is it! That's huge! Here comes the dumbbell.

That's a good girl. Chew. This is quite sexy! Shall I work out.

it much better than you thought. Yeah. It's the new thing... Johnny

I recommend you in the new restaurant. Tomatoes and custard.

All I can think about is can I get away with eating this custard.

definitely a fruit. That's a heavy spoon! It's a dumb bell spoon. What

did people think it would be like. Do you think I should rub the

custard in with my foot. If I had a pound for every time a man asked me