Comedian Frank Skinner hosts a topical comedy series. Frank is joined in Maidstone by Greg Davies and Victoria Coren to unpick the week's most talked-about news stories.
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This programme contains some strong Welcome to Frank Skinner's
Opinionated, tonight we're back in Maidstone.
Silvio Berlusconi has brought out on album of love songs this week.
Yeah, amazing. I can't imagine a British politician with the voice
for it. There are ruerbls that Ed Miliband is bringing out an album
called catarrh hero. Saif Gaddafi bros was captured this week. In
recent months Saif Gaddafi has been seen all over the place with a
confident V sign. And there has been a rumour going around, since
he has been captured they have cut his fingers off. He insists on
describing his injury as an accident. Here's a clip of him when
he was free and defiant. We have plan A and plan B and plan C. Plan
A is to live and die in Libya. Plan B is to live and kie in - in Libya.
And plan C is to live in - and die in Libya. I wish the interviewer
jumped in and said "can I guess on the second one". Saif is making
preparations for his trial in Libya, smoking a cigarette and putting on
a blindfold. The process is delayed. He keeps dropping the cigarette.
The big story in Kent this week is a 73-year-old woman from herne bay
that every night a ghost is groping her. Did you read that? She reckons
that the other ghosts disaprauf. She can hear them shouting things
like get a tomb! Please welcome my guests Victoria
Coren and Greg Da - Greg Davis. So welcome to the show. I don't
know if you saw the story Benetton have put up a series of posters,
and it's a great statesmen of the world basically snogging each other.
We have one here of Obama supposedly kissing Hu Jintao. The
Chinese leader. Supposedly? What it is, it is a clever piece of photo
shopping. They were definitely getting off with each other. What
do you make of these? They have got into a lot of trouble about them.
think it's mill layerous trying to make out they are shocked having
that image, that image was not going to cause problems with the
Catholic Church. The big one was the Pope was kissing an Imam from
Egypt. The one of Obama is fine, the one of the Imam and the Pope,
they are taken into registrations with a complication with
homosexuality. Benetton is put me in a position of thinking, have
some respect for people's homophobia. I think the Pope has
gone up a league, he used to kiss tarmac! How do you feel about
general kissing in public? I mean, whoever it is. Sometimes you are in
a park and there's a couple really going at it. Are you okay with
that? No. I think it's absolutely repulsive. I find other people
snogging absolutely repulsive. It's like watching a mother bird feed
her young. You feed that repulsive! I was at a bus stop and there was a
couple next to me and they started snogging and they started leaning
on me. And I realised after a bit if I move they would actually fall
over. And there were so close by this stage I could here that slurp.
It made me feel awful. Do you think that counts as having a streesome.
I... I copped a quick feel! I don't think he noticed. And also, I'm
going to be honest about this. I was on the South Bank of the Thames
and I saw a couple snogging. Really snogging big-time. And I would say
they were probably late 50's. That should not, you know, I'm no youth
myself. For me had it been teenagers, but you kind of think no.
Once you have got one grey hair, you have got to stop. The noises
are worse when you are older. Things are looser. Sounds like
someone repeatedly lobbing wet flesh .... Against a backdrop of
bron kites. This is an invention they com came up in Italy. Here's a
young couple meeting each other. They are on the verge of kissing.
That bag they are kissing is not as straightforward as it looks. That's
commercially available. It's called a Veasyble. So you can snog in
public without people being offended. Nobody would notice.
would think you were a dandy lion. I think it's weird to shake hands.
You see two men meeting each other, they are holding hands for a moment
and moving it up and down and putting it away. Good point! Here
is a kiss that goes very wrong. See what you think. Hillary Clinton and
bill Clinton. Watch. Ouch! That was deliberate was it not. That's
because he seemed to attempt to lift her right breast up before the
clip. - kiss. The hands... I think he was wiping something off the
dress! Anyone else with views of public kissing? Anyone here who
does it, and proud 20 do it. This lady in the front? I like to but my
husband doesn't. I end up getting a cheek most of the time. You thought
you would say I end up having an affair. You would not have any
problem. I think it's nice for people to show affection. I always
imagine when I meet a new couple, I always imagine them doing it.
Do you not? No. I was a bit quiet at the beginning of the show. I've
been through all of you lot. Some of you are disgusting. Those two!
What about this on the holding hands front. It's actually, it's
called a smitten. Try that. You can hold hands in cold weather.
mean... It's actually quite nice. There's plenty of room in there. If
you want to swing a baby between you, you can get one in. We need
longer than half an hour. Do you know in the Arab world holding
hands between men is absolutely the norm in public. We have got a
picture much George Bush the then President of the United States
meeting Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah, and George Bush completely joined
in. And then it got even more Benetton after that. And that went
a bit wrong... Can I show you one really cute animal? This is a cute,
cute animal. As long as it's getting off with something.
Otters... I got three aahs from saying the world. Otters hold hands.
And I make this even cuter by telling the main reason they hold
hands, it's they don't drift apart when they're sleeping. What
unfortunately ruins that is the one on the left was dead. We have got
Anna Nathan in the audience. You run Kulgdz workshops. Yes. What's
it all about? It's an opportunity for people to get together who pant
o want to have physical contact with others. Who want to be kulgdzy.
A lot of people want to, but our British culture doesn't allow for
it. You say a chemical reaction happens when you hug someone.
produce a chemical called oxytocin, it floods your system. It's the
same chemical you get when you fall in love and get a new baby. You -
when you kulgdz a stranger it it is the same as having a baby! You seem
a little stressed Victoria. I've got a rubber smitten if you need
one! Isn't there a story you said one of your pupils went to the
optician and what happened? It was the day after a kulgdz workshop.
She was feeling cuddly. And at the end of the appointment she said,
would you like a hug? And the optician said, Oh nobody has ever
asked me that before. And they had a hug. And she said that was lovely
thank you so much. Did the option go, what is better, this or this!
Can't we have a Group 1 one where everyone does that everyone could
hug now. Everybody who wants to hug Come on, let's see! You have to hug,
Absolutely beautiful. I thought it was a lovely moment. It was really
nice. Like the 60's. If only we had some powerful drugs. I would like
you... It's national eating out week. This is straupbts. We have
moved on from public displays of affection. There's a thing in
America now, I don't know if you're aware in American school meals
there's asked to be a certain amount of vegetables portions, you
have to have two vegetables. And they are trying to get pizza
classified as a vegetable. And the argument is it's because it has
tomato paste on it. That's why it qualifies. And the tragic is a
tomato isn't even a vegetable. is. It's a fruit. It's a vegetable.
It is a fruit. I want to watch you eat a bowl with custard and I
believe it's a fruit. I want to watch that as well. Get me a bowl
of tomatos and custard. If he eats it all I will say it's a fruit.
What about this? An idea for big eaters to keep fit. There's a song
called Eat y'Self Fitter. This qualifies. As you're eating your
meal you're working out with this dumb bell cutlery. They are weighty.
Tucking it in. They are commercialy available. Amazing. And the good
thing is the pudding spoon is a bit heavier. And they're great, they
look a bit like sports trophies. This is is a meal in Japan. And the
table display is let's say unorthodox. This is what they
called the sushi virgins. And this person is covered with sushi, and
people off her. I thought I would not mind going, eating the meal and
saying I have no money but I will do the washing up. They have a chef
in the audience. Malloch-Brown. And you're, I don't want to sing your
praises but you're a top chef. Allegedly. Got your own place and
that. You hear lots of stuff with chefs being like nutters and
aggressive, and shouting at customers. Is that done for show.
Situations amazing - araising where tempers can be afraid. It's
happened to me once or two in the past. I'm calm and adult now.
have you done. In the last ten years I've been building my own
restaurants and they have all got open kitchens. Some of the staff in
the past. I started off as a waiter. We had customers in, who were
awkward. An older guy, showing off a younger girl he was with, saying
excuse me young man, come here, I want some lapsang -souchong...
tea! And I took it over to him and did the full service. It's I was
quite po light. He tried to show off and say it isn't like that. And
it said it on the label. He said this isn't good enough can you take
it away and get something else. I took the tea pot and the tea into
the toilets... And I pissed in the tea pot. And then... I rubbed my
dick around... Edge of the cup. It's a technical term. Northern
term. And I had great pleasure watching this pain in the arse
customer drink my piss. Did he like it better? He agreed it was much
better. Has anybody here ever done a runner? Run off without paying?
The man in the tie k did a runner? I nearly done a runner, it was in
Spain. We had eaten outside and went inside to watch the dancing.
Another couple came in, and one of the daners did the thing on the
stage, and the speaker on the wall fell down, and hit the man next to
me on the head. He was covered in blood. And the owner came out, and
he was mopping the blood off his head. And I said to me wife "we've
got a chance here, we have a - can do a runner ...". No we paid.
Nearly. It's the thought that kaupbts. Swinging it around a bit.
The Gallaghers, Noel and Liam they row now, the biggest they have ever
had, got to the point where it's got to actually going to court. Are
you big arguers? I'm moving on to the subject of arguing. I like an
argument. I'm not surprised to hear that. It's like the opposite 6 hugs,
and kisses. I like an argument with a stranger. I like it with a
stranger. A road rage. Or a battle with someone in the pub. Road rage
you like? Not violence. If someone shouts at me, and I like getting
out of the car and going up and saying go on then. I got out of the
car once. You got out of the car... I learned my lesson. It was years
ago. I was with my dad. Someone was beeping us. How tall are you?
six foot eight. We both got out. How did you both get in. It was
horrible though. It was an elderly couple, and they saw us and argh. I
haven't done it again. This is Michael Winner. This is a nice
argument between dining out and arguing. He is dining out, and
describing a big argument he had with Burt Lancaster. I was with
Burt in Mexico. He had to shoot his house. And the horse is lying there,
put to sleep. And Burt is smoot shooting it with a kolt 45. On the
third camera angle he goes to the horse and gets a Winchester rifle.
I said excuse me Sir, we were best friends, I said excuse me Sir, you
were using the kolt 45. He said bleep, I was bleep, bleep, I was
using a Winchester 73. He kpwrabs - grabs me by the lap yels. He was
screaming at me in the face. He the bleep, bleep, fat... What was I
shouting the horse with, I said a Winchesterer 73. You're right.
Wonderful man. Now, horrible, violent man! How many people here
are big arguers. A man down the front, with the spectacles on. Is
that your wife next to you? Sort of!. Are you a arguer. Yeah I do it
for a living. I'm a union rep. argue with management. I've been
arguing today. And I've been arguing the day before. I have the
weekends off. Then I generally go to the pub and have an argument.
Yur general tone of speaking is like an argument!. Do you take your
work home with you, so to speak? Sometimes yeah. Me and Cathy don't
really argue. She finds that hilarious. Now I tell you something
has come up on the autocue, it says It hasn't been exactly well
prepared. I'm supposed to put it in like this. Do you want me to help
it. We have a chef I can't ask him to cut tomatos. Probably rub it
around his arse hole. Which normally I would be fine with. Wow!
We'll see what is a fruit. I'll put these back down there. Four all
right? We'll see. Oohh. That's not right? We'll see. Oohh. That's not
mustard. Custard and tomato. Do you want to try it? Hmm! I imagine it's
all right. It's definitely a fruit. It's a fruit. It's actually pretty
good. Do you want to try a bit. Let me give you a different spoon.
is it heavy? It's a dumbbell spoon. It is heavy! It's a dumbbell spoon!
This is one of the least erotic scenes of all times. This isn't
when Harry met Sally is it! That's huge! Here comes the dumbbell.
That's a good girl. Chew. This is quite sexy! Shall I work out.
it much better than you thought. Yeah. It's the new thing... Johnny
I recommend you in the new restaurant. Tomatoes and custard.
All I can think about is can I get away with eating this custard.
definitely a fruit. That's a heavy spoon! It's a dumb bell spoon. What
did people think it would be like. Do you think I should rub the
custard in with my foot. If I had a pound for every time a man asked me
Comedian Frank Skinner hosts a topical comedy series. Each week Frank is joined by two fellow comedians and a studio audience to unpick the week's most talked-about news stories. Frank is joined in Maidstone by Greg Davies and Victoria Coren.