Episode 3 Frank Skinner's Opinionated


Episode 3

Comedian Frank Skinner hosts a topical comedy series. Frank is joined in Maidstone by Greg Davies and Victoria Coren to unpick the week's most talked-about news stories.


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This programme contains some strong Welcome to Frank Skinner's

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Opinionated, tonight we're back in Maidstone.

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Silvio Berlusconi has brought out on album of love songs this week.

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Yeah, amazing. I can't imagine a British politician with the voice

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for it. There are ruerbls that Ed Miliband is bringing out an album

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called catarrh hero. Saif Gaddafi bros was captured this week. In

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recent months Saif Gaddafi has been seen all over the place with a

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confident V sign. And there has been a rumour going around, since

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he has been captured they have cut his fingers off. He insists on

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describing his injury as an accident. Here's a clip of him when

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he was free and defiant. We have plan A and plan B and plan C. Plan

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A is to live and die in Libya. Plan B is to live and kie in - in Libya.

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And plan C is to live in - and die in Libya. I wish the interviewer

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jumped in and said "can I guess on the second one". Saif is making

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preparations for his trial in Libya, smoking a cigarette and putting on

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a blindfold. The process is delayed. He keeps dropping the cigarette.

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The big story in Kent this week is a 73-year-old woman from herne bay

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that every night a ghost is groping her. Did you read that? She reckons

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that the other ghosts disaprauf. She can hear them shouting things

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like get a tomb! Please welcome my guests Victoria

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Coren and Greg Da - Greg Davis. So welcome to the show. I don't

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know if you saw the story Benetton have put up a series of posters,

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and it's a great statesmen of the world basically snogging each other.

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We have one here of Obama supposedly kissing Hu Jintao. The

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Chinese leader. Supposedly? What it is, it is a clever piece of photo

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shopping. They were definitely getting off with each other. What

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do you make of these? They have got into a lot of trouble about them.

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think it's mill layerous trying to make out they are shocked having

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that image, that image was not going to cause problems with the

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Catholic Church. The big one was the Pope was kissing an Imam from

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Egypt. The one of Obama is fine, the one of the Imam and the Pope,

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they are taken into registrations with a complication with

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homosexuality. Benetton is put me in a position of thinking, have

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some respect for people's homophobia. I think the Pope has

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gone up a league, he used to kiss tarmac! How do you feel about

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general kissing in public? I mean, whoever it is. Sometimes you are in

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a park and there's a couple really going at it. Are you okay with

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that? No. I think it's absolutely repulsive. I find other people

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snogging absolutely repulsive. It's like watching a mother bird feed

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her young. You feed that repulsive! I was at a bus stop and there was a

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couple next to me and they started snogging and they started leaning

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on me. And I realised after a bit if I move they would actually fall

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over. And there were so close by this stage I could here that slurp.

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It made me feel awful. Do you think that counts as having a streesome.

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I... I copped a quick feel! I don't think he noticed. And also, I'm

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going to be honest about this. I was on the South Bank of the Thames

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and I saw a couple snogging. Really snogging big-time. And I would say

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they were probably late 50's. That should not, you know, I'm no youth

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myself. For me had it been teenagers, but you kind of think no.

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Once you have got one grey hair, you have got to stop. The noises

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are worse when you are older. Things are looser. Sounds like

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someone repeatedly lobbing wet flesh .... Against a backdrop of

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bron kites. This is an invention they com came up in Italy. Here's a

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young couple meeting each other. They are on the verge of kissing.

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That bag they are kissing is not as straightforward as it looks. That's

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commercially available. It's called a Veasyble. So you can snog in

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public without people being offended. Nobody would notice.

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would think you were a dandy lion. I think it's weird to shake hands.

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You see two men meeting each other, they are holding hands for a moment

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and moving it up and down and putting it away. Good point! Here

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is a kiss that goes very wrong. See what you think. Hillary Clinton and

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bill Clinton. Watch. Ouch! That was deliberate was it not. That's

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because he seemed to attempt to lift her right breast up before the

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clip. - kiss. The hands... I think he was wiping something off the

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dress! Anyone else with views of public kissing? Anyone here who

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does it, and proud 20 do it. This lady in the front? I like to but my

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husband doesn't. I end up getting a cheek most of the time. You thought

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you would say I end up having an affair. You would not have any

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problem. I think it's nice for people to show affection. I always

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imagine when I meet a new couple, I always imagine them doing it.

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Do you not? No. I was a bit quiet at the beginning of the show. I've

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been through all of you lot. Some of you are disgusting. Those two!

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What about this on the holding hands front. It's actually, it's

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called a smitten. Try that. You can hold hands in cold weather.

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mean... It's actually quite nice. There's plenty of room in there. If

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you want to swing a baby between you, you can get one in. We need

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longer than half an hour. Do you know in the Arab world holding

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hands between men is absolutely the norm in public. We have got a

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picture much George Bush the then President of the United States

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meeting Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah, and George Bush completely joined

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in. And then it got even more Benetton after that. And that went

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a bit wrong... Can I show you one really cute animal? This is a cute,

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cute animal. As long as it's getting off with something.

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Otters... I got three aahs from saying the world. Otters hold hands.

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And I make this even cuter by telling the main reason they hold

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hands, it's they don't drift apart when they're sleeping. What

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unfortunately ruins that is the one on the left was dead. We have got

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Anna Nathan in the audience. You run Kulgdz workshops. Yes. What's

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it all about? It's an opportunity for people to get together who pant

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o want to have physical contact with others. Who want to be kulgdzy.

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A lot of people want to, but our British culture doesn't allow for

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it. You say a chemical reaction happens when you hug someone.

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produce a chemical called oxytocin, it floods your system. It's the

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same chemical you get when you fall in love and get a new baby. You -

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when you kulgdz a stranger it it is the same as having a baby! You seem

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a little stressed Victoria. I've got a rubber smitten if you need

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one! Isn't there a story you said one of your pupils went to the

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optician and what happened? It was the day after a kulgdz workshop.

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She was feeling cuddly. And at the end of the appointment she said,

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would you like a hug? And the optician said, Oh nobody has ever

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asked me that before. And they had a hug. And she said that was lovely

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thank you so much. Did the option go, what is better, this or this!

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Can't we have a Group 1 one where everyone does that everyone could

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hug now. Everybody who wants to hug Come on, let's see! You have to hug,

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Absolutely beautiful. I thought it was a lovely moment. It was really

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nice. Like the 60's. If only we had some powerful drugs. I would like

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you... It's national eating out week. This is straupbts. We have

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moved on from public displays of affection. There's a thing in

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America now, I don't know if you're aware in American school meals

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there's asked to be a certain amount of vegetables portions, you

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have to have two vegetables. And they are trying to get pizza

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classified as a vegetable. And the argument is it's because it has

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tomato paste on it. That's why it qualifies. And the tragic is a

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tomato isn't even a vegetable. is. It's a fruit. It's a vegetable.

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It is a fruit. I want to watch you eat a bowl with custard and I

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believe it's a fruit. I want to watch that as well. Get me a bowl

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of tomatos and custard. If he eats it all I will say it's a fruit.

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What about this? An idea for big eaters to keep fit. There's a song

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called Eat y'Self Fitter. This qualifies. As you're eating your

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meal you're working out with this dumb bell cutlery. They are weighty.

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Tucking it in. They are commercialy available. Amazing. And the good

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thing is the pudding spoon is a bit heavier. And they're great, they

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look a bit like sports trophies. This is is a meal in Japan. And the

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table display is let's say unorthodox. This is what they

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called the sushi virgins. And this person is covered with sushi, and

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people off her. I thought I would not mind going, eating the meal and

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saying I have no money but I will do the washing up. They have a chef

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in the audience. Malloch-Brown. And you're, I don't want to sing your

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praises but you're a top chef. Allegedly. Got your own place and

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that. You hear lots of stuff with chefs being like nutters and

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aggressive, and shouting at customers. Is that done for show.

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Situations amazing - araising where tempers can be afraid. It's

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happened to me once or two in the past. I'm calm and adult now.

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have you done. In the last ten years I've been building my own

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restaurants and they have all got open kitchens. Some of the staff in

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the past. I started off as a waiter. We had customers in, who were

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awkward. An older guy, showing off a younger girl he was with, saying

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excuse me young man, come here, I want some lapsang -souchong...

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tea! And I took it over to him and did the full service. It's I was

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quite po light. He tried to show off and say it isn't like that. And

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it said it on the label. He said this isn't good enough can you take

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it away and get something else. I took the tea pot and the tea into

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the toilets... And I pissed in the tea pot. And then... I rubbed my

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dick around... Edge of the cup. It's a technical term. Northern

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term. And I had great pleasure watching this pain in the arse

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customer drink my piss. Did he like it better? He agreed it was much

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better. Has anybody here ever done a runner? Run off without paying?

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The man in the tie k did a runner? I nearly done a runner, it was in

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Spain. We had eaten outside and went inside to watch the dancing.

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Another couple came in, and one of the daners did the thing on the

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stage, and the speaker on the wall fell down, and hit the man next to

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me on the head. He was covered in blood. And the owner came out, and

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he was mopping the blood off his head. And I said to me wife "we've

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got a chance here, we have a - can do a runner ...". No we paid.

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Nearly. It's the thought that kaupbts. Swinging it around a bit.

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The Gallaghers, Noel and Liam they row now, the biggest they have ever

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had, got to the point where it's got to actually going to court. Are

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you big arguers? I'm moving on to the subject of arguing. I like an

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argument. I'm not surprised to hear that. It's like the opposite 6 hugs,

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and kisses. I like an argument with a stranger. I like it with a

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stranger. A road rage. Or a battle with someone in the pub. Road rage

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you like? Not violence. If someone shouts at me, and I like getting

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out of the car and going up and saying go on then. I got out of the

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car once. You got out of the car... I learned my lesson. It was years

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ago. I was with my dad. Someone was beeping us. How tall are you?

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six foot eight. We both got out. How did you both get in. It was

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horrible though. It was an elderly couple, and they saw us and argh. I

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haven't done it again. This is Michael Winner. This is a nice

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argument between dining out and arguing. He is dining out, and

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describing a big argument he had with Burt Lancaster. I was with

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Burt in Mexico. He had to shoot his house. And the horse is lying there,

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put to sleep. And Burt is smoot shooting it with a kolt 45. On the

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third camera angle he goes to the horse and gets a Winchester rifle.

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I said excuse me Sir, we were best friends, I said excuse me Sir, you

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were using the kolt 45. He said bleep, I was bleep, bleep, I was

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using a Winchester 73. He kpwrabs - grabs me by the lap yels. He was

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screaming at me in the face. He the bleep, bleep, fat... What was I

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shouting the horse with, I said a Winchesterer 73. You're right.

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Wonderful man. Now, horrible, violent man! How many people here

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are big arguers. A man down the front, with the spectacles on. Is

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that your wife next to you? Sort of!. Are you a arguer. Yeah I do it

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for a living. I'm a union rep. argue with management. I've been

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arguing today. And I've been arguing the day before. I have the

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weekends off. Then I generally go to the pub and have an argument.

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Yur general tone of speaking is like an argument!. Do you take your

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work home with you, so to speak? Sometimes yeah. Me and Cathy don't

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really argue. She finds that hilarious. Now I tell you something

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has come up on the autocue, it says It hasn't been exactly well

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prepared. I'm supposed to put it in like this. Do you want me to help

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it. We have a chef I can't ask him to cut tomatos. Probably rub it

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around his arse hole. Which normally I would be fine with. Wow!

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We'll see what is a fruit. I'll put these back down there. Four all

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right? We'll see. Oohh. That's not right? We'll see. Oohh. That's not

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mustard. Custard and tomato. Do you want to try it? Hmm! I imagine it's

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all right. It's definitely a fruit. It's a fruit. It's actually pretty

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good. Do you want to try a bit. Let me give you a different spoon.

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is it heavy? It's a dumbbell spoon. It is heavy! It's a dumbbell spoon!

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This is one of the least erotic scenes of all times. This isn't

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when Harry met Sally is it! That's huge! Here comes the dumbbell.

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That's a good girl. Chew. This is quite sexy! Shall I work out.

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it much better than you thought. Yeah. It's the new thing... Johnny

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I recommend you in the new restaurant. Tomatoes and custard.

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All I can think about is can I get away with eating this custard.

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definitely a fruit. That's a heavy spoon! It's a dumb bell spoon. What

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did people think it would be like. Do you think I should rub the

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custard in with my foot. If I had a pound for every time a man asked me

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Comedian Frank Skinner hosts a topical comedy series. Each week Frank is joined by two fellow comedians and a studio audience to unpick the week's most talked-about news stories. Frank is joined in Maidstone by Greg Davies and Victoria Coren.


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