Episode 4 Frank Skinner's Opinionated


Episode 4

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Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Opinionated tonight from

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Norwich. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, it has been a a strange old week, Michael Barrymore was found

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face down on the road next to his car and was charged with being

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drunk and disorderly and possessing Class A drugs. Mr Barrymore

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explained he had been brought in at the last minute because George

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Michael was ill. Pisesed and ars holes and think

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this is not the worse scandal I have been involved in.

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Gary Barlow spoke to the Oxford Union About multi-culturalism.

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LAUGHTER That's my favourite.

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LAUGHTER The Mail on Sunday highlighted a

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The Mail on Sunday highlighted a case of an unemployed man from

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Dundee who has 15 children by 13 different women. Here he is.

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LAUGHTER He is the only man in Britain who

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combs his ponytail forward! LAUGHTER

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You heard of fringe benefits, that's what I would call a benefits

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fringe! His name is Jamie Cumming.

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Yes. It is also his neighbour's response to, "What's that noise

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next door?" Nick Clegg has had a rowing machine fitted in his office.

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It seems to confirm the reports that he is without a paddle!

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This is a weird one, leaked reports are that Nick Clegg wants to re-

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brand the Lib Dems in the style of ox fom. Did you -- Oxfam? Did you

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you read this, if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, if

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you exchange the manifestoes for a tiny slip of power, you end up in

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your office rowing against the tide of your own bitter tears.

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LAUGHTER There are rumours that John Bercow,

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the Speaker of the House of Commons House of Commons might be a

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contestant on the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special. Here he

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is discussing the idea with Claudia winkleman.

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Coastguards in the Bristol Channel warn that a floating Vauxhall Corsa

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has become a danger to shipping. LAUGHTER

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Michael Barrymore is helping police with their inquiries.

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LAUGHTER Let's get started. Please welcome

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Katy Brand and Chris Addison. APPLAUSE

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Hello. Lovely Norwich welcome.

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Yeah. They're keen, they are like the

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mustard they're so famous for! OK, let's have our first topic. I

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have got some statistics. What about this then? One in four

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British people are dating or have dated someone they met online. One

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in four have or are. No, I think that sounds about right.

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One in four people. How many people have or are dating someone they met

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online? That man. Yes, I have, yes.

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What would you like to know? LAUGHTER

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Well, which part of the Far East were they from?

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LAUGHTER She lives in Cromer.

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APPLAUSE There is a couple who suggested

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that for the good of relationships that everybody should share all

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their passwords with their partner, is that, do you think that's a good

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idea generally? That lady with the spectacles and

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the red hair. He comes home from work or wherever he has been...

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LAUGHTER .

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. Quite

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. Quite often

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. Quite often when

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. Quite often when he comes home, I will pick up his phone and scroll

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through his messages and it will be a conversation starter.

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You pick up his phone and go through his messages. Is that

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acceptable? Well, it happens. APPLAUSE

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That wasn't my question, was it? am good at avoiding questions.

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I bet you are! LAUGHTER

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Lots of practise. It does prove useful because he is

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not good at remembering dates and times. Don't forget you have got to

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meet Delores in a forest! How many people have a Twitter account?

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A, had ah, you met on Twitter? met on the Race For Life.

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We have got our T-shirts here. What does your T-shirt say? We are

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called Norwich Race Chicks. I thought it was a BNP splinter

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group! Has any of you ever tweeted

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celebrities? Russell Grant. LAUGHTER

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Yes, he will reply to anybody! Russell Grant sits in all day

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replying. No, he replied two days before she

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sent her initial tweet. LAUGHTER

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That is quite moving because I don't go on Twitter because I am

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not that keen on, how can I put it, people.

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LAUGHTER I like people. I like close, but

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not touching. You really fit on the wrong format

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for a show here. I spent a long time for slagging off Nick Robinson

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for being dreadful and I did that because he is absolutely dreadful

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and then... I like him. Do you? I will tell you what I like

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about him, he has gone bald in the best possible way, 1950s, Phillip

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Larkin. And he has the glasses to go with

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it. And you don't like him? doesn't tell you the news. He does

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that thing and you think, "If you want to write a novel, go and write

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a novel." I remember him starting a piece, "Oh dear, oh dear, what a

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week it has been for Gordon Brown." I don't know happened after that

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because I kicked the TV in. I regularly slagged him off and

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on...... On Twitter? Yeah and in Twitter and in the Times newspaper

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and any other opportunity I got and when I hosted Have I Got News For

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You, they booked him as a guest. What happened? He came in and said,

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"Hopefully, I won't annoy you too much this evening." And I said,

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"Hopefully, you won't.". When you are new to Twitter sometimes you

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will see something really, really horrible. Katy Brand, you are an

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ugly person and you should die. I click on their profile and I see 40

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female celebrities that he has tweeted and said the same thing and

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you don't feel so bad about it and you get on with enjoying the rest

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of Twitter. It is like standing in a busy pub. And also the people you

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get to choose who to talk to. That man. Wait for the microphone. I

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could see the moustache moving, but I couldn't hear you!

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Here it comes. Here it comes. To go to a real pub, with real

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interesting rather than virtual people. You can do that as well.

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You can do both. You can be in a real pub and be bored and looking

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on your phone. If you and me were tweeting, I wouldn't be put off by

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the moustache. I was on MySpace for a while. I don't think anyone is on

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MySpace. There is me and about 2,000

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depressed goth teenagers. I am in several chatrooms about self-

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harming. And have you sold any farms? Farms?

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Sorry, I misheard you. LAUGHTER

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No, if I could get... APPLAUSE

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I think that's the longest I have ever seen it take for an audience

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to get a joke. It is the comedy version of being

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behind a tractor. LAUGHTER

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There is all sorts of problems. My brother, Keith, texts me after a

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show like this goes and says, "You missed a joke after she said bla-

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bla, you should have said." And then sends me a joke that I didn't

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do. We were on this programme and Sarah was on and she said she met a

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woman on the escalators who had been dumped and said, "Ah, darling,

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go and have a bowl of trifle." I said, "You bring everything back to

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puddings." He texted me and said, "Well what you should have said was

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that because she had just been des deserted." That was a great joke.

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APPLAUSE Keith, that was your applause.

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You should have him on. No, he is better on text.

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So anyway, this week, you may know this, a rocket was launched heading

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from Mars and what is going to happen is it is going to land on

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Mars and there is going to be a robot buggy and it is going to

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drive around Mars and it is called Curiosity and it is going to look

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around Mars for signs of life. It won't get to Mars until... August.

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Thank you, who said that? Someone is very interested in this.

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Are you a space enthusiast? I just read it on the news.

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So you are not a space enthusiast. When you have not been a space

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enthusiast? Ever since I realised that they don't land on the moon.

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My friend believes they landed on the moon.

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I don't think that makes her some kind of nutter.

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I know that for a fact due to the footage and proof.

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LAUGHTER For any of you who are sceptical

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about this, we have a clip right, Buzz Aldrin, who was the second man

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on the moon and in this clip he is pursued by a man who is sceptical

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and who doesn't believe in the moon landing.

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Well, you're the one getting money for something you didn't do. You're

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giving a lecture for walking on the moon. That's called being a thief.

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Do you think you can get to heaven without repenting? Why don't you

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swear on the Bible that you you walked on the moon? You are the one

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who said you walked on the moon when you didn't. Calling the kettle

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black. Will you get away from me.

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You are a court order and a -- you are a coward and a liar and thiefU

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thief. Proof that man walked on the moon.

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I don't have complete evidence because I stayed up to watch the

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moon landing. I stayed up with my dog and we sat on the sofa to watch

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the man walk on the moon. My mum and dad went to bed, just me and

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the dog, we stayed up. They landed on the moon and they sat in the

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lunar module and in the end I woke up and they they hadn't come out

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and then I realised there was a flag on the moon that-been there

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and they had come out and only the Hip et had seen -- whippet had seen

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it. And it is one of the great regrets of my life.

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Armstrong said, "One small step for man. "and the whippet went...

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President Nixon went to meet them when they came back and they were

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in a little, they had to put him in a metal box because they thought

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they might bring back terrible moon diseases. This is President Nixon

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speaking to the three astronauts. I only hope that all of us in

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Government and all of us in America, that as a result of what you have

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done, we can do our job a little better. We can reach for the stars

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just as you have reached so far from the stars.

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The terrible thing about that box, it is cramped and there are some

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occasions when it was just LAUGHTER

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Virgin Galactic will be starting at some point in the near future. I

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don't know if you are aware of this, but you will be able to go into

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space, if you pay, you will be able to go on this, we have got a

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picture. You go on that. It is a six-seater and you go up into space

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and you are in space for about six minutes or something like that.

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Actually, I would be more reassured going up in Richard Branson's

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Virgin Galactic if his houses didn't keep burning down.

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LAUGHTER When he can maintain a property on

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earth I will be more willing to go up into a spaceship.

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Kate Winslet is the fire officer! We asked someone from Virgin

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Galactic to come along tonight and tell us about it and they said they

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couldn't get to Norwich! LAUGHTER

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It is true. APPLAUSE

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How many people would love to go in the Virgin Galactic thing?

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Not as many as I thought. What about this lady at the front? Can

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we get to the front? I think it will be an interesting experience,

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obviously I can't afford it. Have a guess how much it is?

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much. LAUGHTER

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Probably over �1 million at least. No, no, it is �129,000.

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If it is just that. That would be all right, wouldn't

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it sf. In five years, Ryanair already doing it for 50 quid. It

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won't be near space, but you will get a bus the rest of the way.

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Anyone else who would like to go? What about that chap? I have always

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been fascinated from a young age. Well, you are a young age.

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When I was about eight or nine. You have to do three days of

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training before the flight. Yeah. Are you fine with that? Yes.

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You would do Mars? Yes, I would go further than that.

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You would do Mars and you don't get there until August? Yeah, probably.

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I doubt girlfriend would appreciate Well, you say that.

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LAUGHTER What do you do for a living?

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I work in a Christmas shop. LAUGHTER

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You are not bothered about spending nine months of the year away.

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You can book now and people have booked. Are they going to adopt an

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alien. Michael choux Mcer is booked on --

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Michael Michael Schumacher. Would you want to be on with Stephen

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Hawking. Can you imagine being on with a bigger know all and James

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Lovelock, he is a 92-year-old scientist and this is something,

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what about this, when you get older, you are not as affected by G-force

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as younger people. You know G-force, as you get older because your face

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is shit, it means it just flops, your eyes are like there. If you

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open your mouth really wide, your skull comes out of your head.

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Brilliant. LAUGHTER

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How many people in here believe in at least the possibility of aliens?

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Oh a lot. Really a lot. So Timothy Good is in

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the audience tonight. Hello Timothy, you are a ufolo gist? I wouldn't

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call myself that. On the fen non numb, -- on the phenomenon, yes.

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Do you find people are sceptical or open? I myself am sceptical about

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the evidence. Up to 90% of all UFO reports can be explained in

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conventional terms. However, I would say millions of people

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worldwide have actually seen the real thing.

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Why do they come here? Because they don't seem to make formal contact?

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They have made formal and informal contact with thousands of people

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throughout the world from all walks of of life.

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Why don't they go to Barack Obama, someone who it is worth approaching.

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He is busy. I can tell you in 1955, the

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president had three encounters set- up meetings with aliens which took

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place at certain Air Force bases and many witnesses... Hold on.

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LAUGHTER What? How could we not know about

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that? A lot of this stuff has been published.

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Isn't it a big story? Well, apparently not, it has been

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published, no one has taken any notice of it.

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Have you personally had... OK this was in 1967 I was with the London

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symphony orchestra, I am also a professional fiddler...

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LAUGHTER And I had learnt from several

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people that about their encounters with some of these people, the more

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human types of aliens, they look very similar to us and I had learnt

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they are highly tell owe pathic and sometimes you can initiate meetings

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and this was my second experience which I will describe. This was in

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New York. I sent out a tell pathic message, I sat in the in the lobby

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of the Park Sheraton Hotel and I sent out in my my mind, "If any of

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you guys are around, I would like some proof." After half an hour, a

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man came in, he was about 5'10" and immaculately dress in a... A space

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suit? He came and sat down beside me and he had a case from which he

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pulled out the New York Times and he turned the pages over very

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slowly one by one and folded the newspaper and put it back in the

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case and put it back and I said in my mind, "If you are the guy I

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think you are, take your right index and hold it to the right side

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of your nose and keep it there." And it went.

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You definitely said it in your mind? I did. People say why didn't

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you talk to him? I didn't and that's the fact of the matter. I

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regret that I didn't speak. So he left? He left and he looked at me

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seriously for a while and then he left and that was it.

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What I like about it, it is quite under stated. There is no probes up

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bums or anything like that. This was a British alien not an

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American one. The Americans always put the probes up the bums. We have

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:23:29.:23:30.

the encounters with the newspapers. You get the aliens you deserve.

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LAUGHTER I would like to talk about the

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concept of bucket lists. OK, now in case you are not familiar with this,

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a bucket list is a list of things you want to do before you kick the

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bucket. That's the idea. And one of the most common ones is to swim

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with dolphins. Anyone who has swum with dolphins here? Oh, quite a few.

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That lady with the stripy top. Yeah. I swam in Mexico and it was really

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:24:05.:24:07.

good. I did enjoy it and they did it well. They swim beautifully.

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LAUGHTER Anyway, what do you make of the

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whole bucket list idea? It is just one more thing to feel

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guilty about. We are told to achieve so much in the rest of our

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lives, now we have to do it in our time off. And we have to panic

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ourselves that we haven't bungy jumped.

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Is there anyone had has some burning ambition they want to

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fulfil like this, you do? Box a kangaroo.

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LAUGHTER What would do it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah,

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I can't stand them.. LAUGHTER

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Now we have a picture of a woman called Gert y Painter.

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LAUGHTER Gerty Painter when she was 97, she

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decided she wanted to try abseiling. Has she got a Tutu on.

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I hope it is a Tutu. It could just be loose skin. This is a woman, she

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is 100 years old and called Claire Ormiston. We have got a picture of

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Claire. This was her wish for her 100th birthday. That's a male

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stripper. That's a packet list! LAUGHTER

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I'm not completely convinced that it was this lady, Claire, who

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wanted the... We have footage of the moment when she had this

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supposed wish come true. Claire Ormiston had no doubts when she was

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asked what she wanted for her 100th birthday, a stripper gram and step

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in the stripper to deliver the birthday treat. It was mum's idea

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actually. We were asking what she would like for her party and she

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came up with one or two suggestions including the first suggestion was

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a seat on the moon. That's pretty impossible and then Barbara the

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matron asked her if if there was anything that she would like and

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she said, "Mm, a stripper.". she say a seat on the loo and a

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slipper? LAUGHTER

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The one thing I have always really wanted to do. I once had a horse

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stood on my foot and I pushed it to get it off and it nearly fell over.

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LAUGHTER And ever since then I thought not

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to hurt it, but I really love to push a horse over. There is a thing

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called cow tipping. Teenagers go around and push cows over while

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they are asleep. LAUGHTER

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Have you never heard of it? I don't want to hurt hurt it. We have

:27:05.:27:09.

Richard Wilson in the audience. Not him. Richard, you wrote a book...

:27:09.:27:15.

did. About bucket lists? Yeah. Is it fair to say that your stance

:27:15.:27:22.

is Annie? I am extremely anti- actually.

:27:22.:27:23.

Why is that? The people who make those lists up and tick them off,

:27:23.:27:26.

they are waving their new experiences in the faces of

:27:27.:27:32.

ordinary people and dull people like me whereas if new and exciting

:27:32.:27:42.
:27:42.:27:45.

experiences are something good. LAUGHTER

:27:45.:27:48.

They are to be treated with extreme caution and I'm often shunned. If

:27:48.:27:51.

you take the view that something is either too far away, too expensive

:27:51.:27:55.

or too dangerous, you can eliminate a range of things and concentrate

:27:55.:28:01.

on the important things in life. Actually, a lot of great

:28:01.:28:04.

philosophies are about you should have what you want, you should just

:28:04.:28:09.

have less. I have written a book for Catholics

:28:09.:28:16.

called 101 Things To Do After You Die.

:28:16.:28:23.

The Muslim version of that is racier.

:28:23.:28:28.

I'm not going there. I hope to do a few things before I die.

:28:28.:28:32.

Zblu must have been -- you must have been to exciting places?

:28:32.:28:39.

have seen the at that stage ma -- imagine ma hal.

:28:39.:28:45.

How was that? Disappointing. Has anyone got any unusual bucket

:28:45.:28:51.

list list items? Not you, but that lady with the blond hair and the

:28:51.:28:55.

woman behind you was going... LAUGHTER

:28:55.:29:03.

What's your burning ambition? want to get a hug off Frank Skinner.

:29:03.:29:06.

Would that be on your bucket list? Yeah.

:29:06.:29:14.

We might need a bucket! I'll meet you there on the stairs.

:29:14.:29:24.
:29:24.:29:28.

This is the big ambition. That's lovely.

:29:28.:29:30.

APPLAUSE You are my son-in-law now.

:29:30.:29:36.

That's a very unusual ceremony. Nos Norwich, -- that's Norwich, isn't

:29:36.:29:40.

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