Comedian Frank Skinner hosts a topical comedy series. Frank is joined in Norwich by Chris Addison and Katy Brand to unpick the week's most talked-about news stories.
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Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Opinionated tonight from
Norwich. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, it has been a a strange old week, Michael Barrymore was found
face down on the road next to his car and was charged with being
drunk and disorderly and possessing Class A drugs. Mr Barrymore
explained he had been brought in at the last minute because George
Michael was ill. Pisesed and ars holes and think
this is not the worse scandal I have been involved in.
Gary Barlow spoke to the Oxford Union About multi-culturalism.
LAUGHTER That's my favourite.
LAUGHTER The Mail on Sunday highlighted a
The Mail on Sunday highlighted a case of an unemployed man from
Dundee who has 15 children by 13 different women. Here he is.
LAUGHTER He is the only man in Britain who
combs his ponytail forward! LAUGHTER
You heard of fringe benefits, that's what I would call a benefits
fringe! His name is Jamie Cumming.
Yes. It is also his neighbour's response to, "What's that noise
next door?" Nick Clegg has had a rowing machine fitted in his office.
It seems to confirm the reports that he is without a paddle!
This is a weird one, leaked reports are that Nick Clegg wants to re-
brand the Lib Dems in the style of ox fom. Did you -- Oxfam? Did you
you read this, if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, if
you exchange the manifestoes for a tiny slip of power, you end up in
your office rowing against the tide of your own bitter tears.
LAUGHTER There are rumours that John Bercow,
the Speaker of the House of Commons House of Commons might be a
contestant on the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special. Here he
is discussing the idea with Claudia winkleman.
Coastguards in the Bristol Channel warn that a floating Vauxhall Corsa
has become a danger to shipping. LAUGHTER
Michael Barrymore is helping police with their inquiries.
LAUGHTER Let's get started. Please welcome
Katy Brand and Chris Addison. APPLAUSE
Hello. Lovely Norwich welcome.
Yeah. They're keen, they are like the
mustard they're so famous for! OK, let's have our first topic. I
have got some statistics. What about this then? One in four
British people are dating or have dated someone they met online. One
in four have or are. No, I think that sounds about right.
One in four people. How many people have or are dating someone they met
online? That man. Yes, I have, yes.
What would you like to know? LAUGHTER
Well, which part of the Far East were they from?
LAUGHTER She lives in Cromer.
APPLAUSE There is a couple who suggested
that for the good of relationships that everybody should share all
their passwords with their partner, is that, do you think that's a good
idea generally? That lady with the spectacles and
the red hair. He comes home from work or wherever he has been...
. Quite often
. Quite often when
. Quite often when he comes home, I will pick up his phone and scroll
through his messages and it will be a conversation starter.
You pick up his phone and go through his messages. Is that
acceptable? Well, it happens. APPLAUSE
That wasn't my question, was it? am good at avoiding questions.
I bet you are! LAUGHTER
Lots of practise. It does prove useful because he is
not good at remembering dates and times. Don't forget you have got to
meet Delores in a forest! How many people have a Twitter account?
A, had ah, you met on Twitter? met on the Race For Life.
We have got our T-shirts here. What does your T-shirt say? We are
called Norwich Race Chicks. I thought it was a BNP splinter
group! Has any of you ever tweeted
celebrities? Russell Grant. LAUGHTER
Yes, he will reply to anybody! Russell Grant sits in all day
replying. No, he replied two days before she
sent her initial tweet. LAUGHTER
That is quite moving because I don't go on Twitter because I am
not that keen on, how can I put it, people.
LAUGHTER I like people. I like close, but
not touching. You really fit on the wrong format
for a show here. I spent a long time for slagging off Nick Robinson
for being dreadful and I did that because he is absolutely dreadful
and then... I like him. Do you? I will tell you what I like
about him, he has gone bald in the best possible way, 1950s, Phillip
Larkin. And he has the glasses to go with
it. And you don't like him? doesn't tell you the news. He does
that thing and you think, "If you want to write a novel, go and write
a novel." I remember him starting a piece, "Oh dear, oh dear, what a
week it has been for Gordon Brown." I don't know happened after that
because I kicked the TV in. I regularly slagged him off and
on...... On Twitter? Yeah and in Twitter and in the Times newspaper
and any other opportunity I got and when I hosted Have I Got News For
You, they booked him as a guest. What happened? He came in and said,
"Hopefully, I won't annoy you too much this evening." And I said,
"Hopefully, you won't.". When you are new to Twitter sometimes you
will see something really, really horrible. Katy Brand, you are an
ugly person and you should die. I click on their profile and I see 40
female celebrities that he has tweeted and said the same thing and
you don't feel so bad about it and you get on with enjoying the rest
of Twitter. It is like standing in a busy pub. And also the people you
get to choose who to talk to. That man. Wait for the microphone. I
could see the moustache moving, but I couldn't hear you!
Here it comes. Here it comes. To go to a real pub, with real
interesting rather than virtual people. You can do that as well.
You can do both. You can be in a real pub and be bored and looking
on your phone. If you and me were tweeting, I wouldn't be put off by
the moustache. I was on MySpace for a while. I don't think anyone is on
MySpace. There is me and about 2,000
depressed goth teenagers. I am in several chatrooms about self-
harming. And have you sold any farms? Farms?
Sorry, I misheard you. LAUGHTER
No, if I could get... APPLAUSE
I think that's the longest I have ever seen it take for an audience
to get a joke. It is the comedy version of being
behind a tractor. LAUGHTER
There is all sorts of problems. My brother, Keith, texts me after a
show like this goes and says, "You missed a joke after she said bla-
bla, you should have said." And then sends me a joke that I didn't
do. We were on this programme and Sarah was on and she said she met a
woman on the escalators who had been dumped and said, "Ah, darling,
go and have a bowl of trifle." I said, "You bring everything back to
puddings." He texted me and said, "Well what you should have said was
that because she had just been des deserted." That was a great joke.
APPLAUSE Keith, that was your applause.
You should have him on. No, he is better on text.
So anyway, this week, you may know this, a rocket was launched heading
from Mars and what is going to happen is it is going to land on
Mars and there is going to be a robot buggy and it is going to
drive around Mars and it is called Curiosity and it is going to look
around Mars for signs of life. It won't get to Mars until... August.
Thank you, who said that? Someone is very interested in this.
Are you a space enthusiast? I just read it on the news.
So you are not a space enthusiast. When you have not been a space
enthusiast? Ever since I realised that they don't land on the moon.
My friend believes they landed on the moon.
I don't think that makes her some kind of nutter.
I know that for a fact due to the footage and proof.
LAUGHTER For any of you who are sceptical
about this, we have a clip right, Buzz Aldrin, who was the second man
on the moon and in this clip he is pursued by a man who is sceptical
and who doesn't believe in the moon landing.
Well, you're the one getting money for something you didn't do. You're
giving a lecture for walking on the moon. That's called being a thief.
Do you think you can get to heaven without repenting? Why don't you
swear on the Bible that you you walked on the moon? You are the one
who said you walked on the moon when you didn't. Calling the kettle
black. Will you get away from me.
You are a court order and a -- you are a coward and a liar and thiefU
thief. Proof that man walked on the moon.
I don't have complete evidence because I stayed up to watch the
moon landing. I stayed up with my dog and we sat on the sofa to watch
the man walk on the moon. My mum and dad went to bed, just me and
the dog, we stayed up. They landed on the moon and they sat in the
lunar module and in the end I woke up and they they hadn't come out
and then I realised there was a flag on the moon that-been there
and they had come out and only the Hip et had seen -- whippet had seen
it. And it is one of the great regrets of my life.
Armstrong said, "One small step for man. "and the whippet went...
President Nixon went to meet them when they came back and they were
in a little, they had to put him in a metal box because they thought
they might bring back terrible moon diseases. This is President Nixon
speaking to the three astronauts. I only hope that all of us in
Government and all of us in America, that as a result of what you have
done, we can do our job a little better. We can reach for the stars
just as you have reached so far from the stars.
The terrible thing about that box, it is cramped and there are some
occasions when it was just LAUGHTER
Virgin Galactic will be starting at some point in the near future. I
don't know if you are aware of this, but you will be able to go into
space, if you pay, you will be able to go on this, we have got a
picture. You go on that. It is a six-seater and you go up into space
and you are in space for about six minutes or something like that.
Actually, I would be more reassured going up in Richard Branson's
Virgin Galactic if his houses didn't keep burning down.
LAUGHTER When he can maintain a property on
earth I will be more willing to go up into a spaceship.
Kate Winslet is the fire officer! We asked someone from Virgin
Galactic to come along tonight and tell us about it and they said they
couldn't get to Norwich! LAUGHTER
It is true. APPLAUSE
How many people would love to go in the Virgin Galactic thing?
Not as many as I thought. What about this lady at the front? Can
we get to the front? I think it will be an interesting experience,
obviously I can't afford it. Have a guess how much it is?
Probably over �1 million at least. No, no, it is �129,000.
If it is just that. That would be all right, wouldn't
it sf. In five years, Ryanair already doing it for 50 quid. It
won't be near space, but you will get a bus the rest of the way.
Anyone else who would like to go? What about that chap? I have always
been fascinated from a young age. Well, you are a young age.
When I was about eight or nine. You have to do three days of
training before the flight. Yeah. Are you fine with that? Yes.
You would do Mars? Yes, I would go further than that.
You would do Mars and you don't get there until August? Yeah, probably.
I doubt girlfriend would appreciate Well, you say that.
LAUGHTER What do you do for a living?
I work in a Christmas shop. LAUGHTER
You are not bothered about spending nine months of the year away.
You can book now and people have booked. Are they going to adopt an
alien. Michael choux Mcer is booked on --
Michael Michael Schumacher. Would you want to be on with Stephen
Hawking. Can you imagine being on with a bigger know all and James
Lovelock, he is a 92-year-old scientist and this is something,
what about this, when you get older, you are not as affected by G-force
as younger people. You know G-force, as you get older because your face
is shit, it means it just flops, your eyes are like there. If you
open your mouth really wide, your skull comes out of your head.
How many people in here believe in at least the possibility of aliens?
Oh a lot. Really a lot. So Timothy Good is in
the audience tonight. Hello Timothy, you are a ufolo gist? I wouldn't
call myself that. On the fen non numb, -- on the phenomenon, yes.
Do you find people are sceptical or open? I myself am sceptical about
the evidence. Up to 90% of all UFO reports can be explained in
conventional terms. However, I would say millions of people
worldwide have actually seen the real thing.
Why do they come here? Because they don't seem to make formal contact?
They have made formal and informal contact with thousands of people
throughout the world from all walks of of life.
Why don't they go to Barack Obama, someone who it is worth approaching.
He is busy. I can tell you in 1955, the
president had three encounters set- up meetings with aliens which took
place at certain Air Force bases and many witnesses... Hold on.
LAUGHTER What? How could we not know about
that? A lot of this stuff has been published.
Isn't it a big story? Well, apparently not, it has been
published, no one has taken any notice of it.
Have you personally had... OK this was in 1967 I was with the London
symphony orchestra, I am also a professional fiddler...
LAUGHTER And I had learnt from several
people that about their encounters with some of these people, the more
human types of aliens, they look very similar to us and I had learnt
they are highly tell owe pathic and sometimes you can initiate meetings
and this was my second experience which I will describe. This was in
New York. I sent out a tell pathic message, I sat in the in the lobby
of the Park Sheraton Hotel and I sent out in my my mind, "If any of
you guys are around, I would like some proof." After half an hour, a
man came in, he was about 5'10" and immaculately dress in a... A space
suit? He came and sat down beside me and he had a case from which he
pulled out the New York Times and he turned the pages over very
slowly one by one and folded the newspaper and put it back in the
case and put it back and I said in my mind, "If you are the guy I
think you are, take your right index and hold it to the right side
of your nose and keep it there." And it went.
You definitely said it in your mind? I did. People say why didn't
you talk to him? I didn't and that's the fact of the matter. I
regret that I didn't speak. So he left? He left and he looked at me
seriously for a while and then he left and that was it.
What I like about it, it is quite under stated. There is no probes up
bums or anything like that. This was a British alien not an
American one. The Americans always put the probes up the bums. We have
the encounters with the newspapers. You get the aliens you deserve.
LAUGHTER I would like to talk about the
concept of bucket lists. OK, now in case you are not familiar with this,
a bucket list is a list of things you want to do before you kick the
bucket. That's the idea. And one of the most common ones is to swim
with dolphins. Anyone who has swum with dolphins here? Oh, quite a few.
That lady with the stripy top. Yeah. I swam in Mexico and it was really
good. I did enjoy it and they did it well. They swim beautifully.
LAUGHTER Anyway, what do you make of the
whole bucket list idea? It is just one more thing to feel
guilty about. We are told to achieve so much in the rest of our
lives, now we have to do it in our time off. And we have to panic
ourselves that we haven't bungy jumped.
Is there anyone had has some burning ambition they want to
fulfil like this, you do? Box a kangaroo.
LAUGHTER What would do it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
I can't stand them.. LAUGHTER
Now we have a picture of a woman called Gert y Painter.
LAUGHTER Gerty Painter when she was 97, she
decided she wanted to try abseiling. Has she got a Tutu on.
I hope it is a Tutu. It could just be loose skin. This is a woman, she
is 100 years old and called Claire Ormiston. We have got a picture of
Claire. This was her wish for her 100th birthday. That's a male
stripper. That's a packet list! LAUGHTER
I'm not completely convinced that it was this lady, Claire, who
wanted the... We have footage of the moment when she had this
supposed wish come true. Claire Ormiston had no doubts when she was
asked what she wanted for her 100th birthday, a stripper gram and step
in the stripper to deliver the birthday treat. It was mum's idea
actually. We were asking what she would like for her party and she
came up with one or two suggestions including the first suggestion was
a seat on the moon. That's pretty impossible and then Barbara the
matron asked her if if there was anything that she would like and
she said, "Mm, a stripper.". she say a seat on the loo and a
The one thing I have always really wanted to do. I once had a horse
stood on my foot and I pushed it to get it off and it nearly fell over.
LAUGHTER And ever since then I thought not
to hurt it, but I really love to push a horse over. There is a thing
called cow tipping. Teenagers go around and push cows over while
they are asleep. LAUGHTER
Have you never heard of it? I don't want to hurt hurt it. We have
Richard Wilson in the audience. Not him. Richard, you wrote a book...
did. About bucket lists? Yeah. Is it fair to say that your stance
is Annie? I am extremely anti- actually.
Why is that? The people who make those lists up and tick them off,
they are waving their new experiences in the faces of
ordinary people and dull people like me whereas if new and exciting
experiences are something good. LAUGHTER
They are to be treated with extreme caution and I'm often shunned. If
you take the view that something is either too far away, too expensive
or too dangerous, you can eliminate a range of things and concentrate
on the important things in life. Actually, a lot of great
philosophies are about you should have what you want, you should just
have less. I have written a book for Catholics
called 101 Things To Do After You Die.
The Muslim version of that is racier.
I'm not going there. I hope to do a few things before I die.
Zblu must have been -- you must have been to exciting places?
have seen the at that stage ma -- imagine ma hal.
How was that? Disappointing. Has anyone got any unusual bucket
list list items? Not you, but that lady with the blond hair and the
woman behind you was going... LAUGHTER
What's your burning ambition? want to get a hug off Frank Skinner.
Would that be on your bucket list? Yeah.
We might need a bucket! I'll meet you there on the stairs.
This is the big ambition. That's lovely.
APPLAUSE You are my son-in-law now.
That's a very unusual ceremony. Nos Norwich, -- that's Norwich, isn't
Comedian Frank Skinner hosts a topical comedy series. Each week Frank is joined by two fellow comedians and a studio audience to unpick the week's most talked-about news stories. Frank is joined in Norwich by Chris Addison and Katy Brand.