Episode 5 Frank Skinner's Opinionated


Episode 5

Comedian Frank Skinner hosts a topical comedy series. Frank is joined in Norwich by Russell Howard to unpick the week's most talked-about news stories.


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Transcript


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Welcome to Frank Skinner Opinionnated tonight from Norwich.

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It's been a strange old week. Jeremy Clarkson on The One Show and

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in various newspapers has said to the -- said that the public service

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workers that went on strike should be executed in front of their

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families. To be fair to Clarkson has an enormous face. So the

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journey from his brain to his mouth is always likely to be harassous.

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When the BBC received 3 1,000 complaints before Clarkson was

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having on the other size of his face. Apparently he could not hear

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it. Sales of his DVD's increased 4hun47 -- 400%. I assume he's

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referring to the fact that March might and Clarkson look like Shit.

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A 26-year-old woman and her mother were driving down a road in Essex

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when somebody dropped a block of granite on the car. If it had hit

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the mum I think she would have been This programme contains strong

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language. Giant pandas are one of the world's

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most endangered species, and partly because the world wildlife does not

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have a it's according to the Chinese a breeding nightmare. That

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should hot my DVD sales! A lot of research has been done into why

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pandas only have sex once a year. The most likely explanation is they

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are married. Don't clap mate, you'll get it when you get home! It

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looks like 32-year-old TV presenter Caroline Flack is dating 17-year-

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old boy band. She has been receiving hate mail. I find it's

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not so bad if it's on kitty writing paper. They look good now but

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they're only going in one direction now. Welcome my guests, Russell

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Both Skinner Virgins. We begin this by going to the audience and asking

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them about a news story. Anything from the news? What about that

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chap? What do you think about the French and the German governments'

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idea of having a joint taxation across Europe. I want to try with

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this one. My first instinct is shut up. A joint taxation... Would that

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include, us, mate? They say originally the euro and eventually

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Europe. Can I ask has everybody got these types of questions. This is

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the first time we have ever had a question this hard! This isn't a

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chat this is a test? As soon as you said the word "euro", everybody's

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eyes went... Like at the beginning of the news, when everybody goes no,

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no, Ever been to a euro disco. you go to a disco in Europe, people

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dance like this. I don't! experience was the best. I don't

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remember why I was... One of those nights. Somewhere like Belgium and

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Belarus. It was brilliant. Everybody is having a fantastic

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time. Loads of old guys and young girls and me. Sound like a bonga

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party. I was having a fantastic time until somebody said she's a

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prostitute, and she's... And I was the only girl who wasn't a

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prostitute. Jiek a hooker Sparticus! I'm loving it. I think

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The man in the back in a blue shirt. Your opinion on the discovery of a

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new planet very similar to our own in atmosphere and temperature and

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should we pack up and move over. you know about it? They have

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discovered a Earth two. If there was people in it that would have

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been in the papers. This is not a story you would not have heard of.

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How come... A paent of -- planet full of people has been discovered,

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page seven of the Sun. I would -- I would like to start off with local

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news. I don't know if you're aware, they're thinking of opening a

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topless barber shop in Norwich. Applause from the man in the back!

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What do you think as a lady? As a lady number one you're not going to

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see the boobs, because they'll be behind you. Mirror. They will be

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behind you. Nobody is going to want a big fat woman cutting the hair

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with the boobs on either shoulder. I went to a topless bar when I was

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17 in Birmingham. It was one of the least sexy experiences of my life.

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The women had red tee shirts on, and they cut holes in the tee

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shirts, and they pulled their breasts out. They were roughly

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forced out like they were making bread! As a 17-year-old when

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everything is sexy I thought this is appalling. They sound like

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broken sausages. At the time there was a tie on the market -- toy on

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the market called the play bough fun factory. That's what it looked

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like. They can't be professionals. Some men are married and they go to

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strip clubs. At least you can go get away with it. You'll go to

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somewhere with a topless air dressers, and they cut your hair,

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and your hair will look like shit. And any bloke who has his haircut

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anywhere, his wife will say where did you have it cut? Like a semi!

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Would you go? It would be too awkward. Awkward enough talking to

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hairdressers, let alone if they are half naked. Naples, nipples. I went

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to Korea ya, You could go for a haircut and the man would ask if

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you wanted something special. I didn't do this. I spoke to someone.

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A lady comes in, in a rubber glove, and will give you relief with that

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hand. This is a hairdresser. Really, really? I'm not making it up. The

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guy said it was pretty good. My horror when you have completed,

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does she hold a mirror, and you go, lovely, fabulous. That's great. Is

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there anyone here who would go. That fellow in front of the camera

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there. You would go. Yeah. Why? the boobs. I think that probably

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makes sense. But you go to a lapdancing club. A bit more

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expensive! A credit crunch pervert. I never have my hair washed when I

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go to the hairdressers. That's a treat. They do the massage. They

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have the minty shampoo. When you lean back, if that was me I would

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not be able to resist the karate chop. Once they lay back, once you

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start thinking they will chop your throat you can't relax. What about

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you? Are a man for a �100 haircut? No, clearly not. My mum used to cut

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my hair for years as a child. have a picture of the haircut your

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mum did. APPLAUSE.

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You get a feel for the woman's handiwork there. Was she a fan of

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the new a vepbgers. Did she use a bowl. Yeah. Really. It wasn't very

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level. A broken bowl. We have another. This was a stage you went

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through. The curtains. I love those. Do you? Yeah. Did you ever draw

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them. When you went to bed at night did you pull them across.

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That's awful. I look like a fool. I look like a fat farmer. Can you

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never say that in Norwich again. look like I'm bragging about my

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crop. I don't know what we have in the way of fabulous hairdos. Your

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hair which looks great and modern, that's what I would call a side

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ways fringe. Yeah. It defies gravity. Is it heavy gelg. After

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I've had a wash I dry it and it goes across. It stays like that? Ye.

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Are you a Biba fan. No! Is that your mum with you? Sorry I thought

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you might be from One Direction. There's nothing wrong with being a

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Bieber fan. He really looks like him. Please stop the conversation.

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It's on telly now. I would be happy. Fairly unlikely. I mean there's the

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furore about Justin Bieber's hair. the other planet earth. I have two

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daughters, and they hate him. likes him. He has -- he had his

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hair like that. He flicked it. And he looks like a woman. That was the

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when she said I'm not a fan any more. We have a picture of him.

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Whether he had the same haircut as that bloke. It looks like something

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has been photo shopped out of that photo. The fear in the eyes. This

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is the new Bieber. It's a big moment when you change. That day

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when you think I'll change my hair style. I think it's particularly

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from fringe to flick. That sounds like a reality show. In which

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someone leaves alternative theatre to join the cast of skal ello Ello.

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I would like to show you an advert and I like to know what you and the

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audience think about this. Dad, it's time. Would you be a really

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nice catch for somebody. Just for Men takes five easy minutes,

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targets only the great hair and can start something good. For my girls.

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Just for Men. They are pimping their dad out. I like their fact

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men who dye their hair are happy to leave their children at home

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unattended. Those adverts I think they're a waste of time. I

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genuinely believe he looked better because he did the fake dye thing.

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Really? I think they call it salt and pepper hair. It's so sexy. John

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Schofield a perfect example. He tried to fight the grey. And he did

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it. I -- Philip Schofield, he tried to fight the grey, and looks

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gorgeous. Women always dye their hair. I have a theory about women

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with grey hair. Women with short grey hair, probably ex-dancer and

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keen interest in the hearts. Women with long grey hair, 1 cats and a

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history of mental illness. By 2031, 11 million people in this country

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will be living on their own. I was single, and -- for a while, living

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alone. One night I watched a science fiction movie with just my

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socks on, eating beans out of a tin. I thought if I carry on like this,

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will be unable to live with anybody. Sounds like a charity advert. Just

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�5 a month b will buy Frank some trousers and a plate. Everyone

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should experience being on their own. You should be able to

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experience yourself. Whoever you marry, should be happy with you

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sitting in your socks eating beans. It's not right eating beans with

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just socks. That's about freedom. If you live with someone you have

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to modify yourself to fit them. That's such bollocks. I haven't got

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a boyfriend. But I've got two kids. They're always at home. Tonight

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they are with the baby setter. And they will not be at my house, I

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love these moments alone, you can do mad things. Like what? Walking

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around my house naked. What! That's so much fun. I hope that was

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clapping. Some people, how many people here hate being single.

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can't stand being single. More the loneliness thing. I have a lot of

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friends with partners, and they are all happy, arms linked, and you

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think what am I doing wrong. Can we have a spotlight on this me. Are

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God for that! Can I say going to the -- going to the topless

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hairdressers doesn't count as being in a relationship. The one person

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brave enough to say it, most people feel like that. People think they

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are single, and I have to find someone quickly. I wonder if they

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don't give the single life thing a chance. All my friends have

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partners. At this time of the year, when it's cold. When it's cold.

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What kind of relationship? Climate! Winter is the time. Anyone I've met

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I've met them in the winter. You do, you want to walk in the snow, but

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you want to do the cuddling things. You noticed there are very, very

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large pieces of equipment on the ceiling of this studio. Slightly

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frightening. Luckily... Always learning. I think I'm going to get

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changed into something more comfortable. What do you think?

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It's what they call a onesie. It's all in one piece. And designed for

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basically every one of of those cosy nights in. I've got one.

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the same pattern. Hideous, but the best item of clothing I own. It

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actually has a hole in it. APPLAUSE.

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No my friend told me about it. cujless onesie. My friend told me

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about it. I always said I would love a baby grow as an adult. And

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she told me about it. She got me one. They are really popular now.

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What I want to talk about apparently four out of ten people

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occasionally -- spend a day in their pyjamas. They don't go out of

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the house, they stay in their PJ's. Every weekend for me, if I'm not

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working, not joking. I love being at home. If friends want to

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socialise I say come to me. 69% of the United Kingdom say they go out

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less than they used to. You should not be in watching telly. You don't

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have to watch telly. We have a clip here from the 70's of a guy who

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decides he is going to stay up all night. This is how he decides to

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fill his time. I don't go to -- when I don't to go to school,

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during the day I sleep, it's at night I'm awake and find things to

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do, like shooting mice. Mice seems to congregate around the washing

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machine. I kill one, and I wait for another one to come. It gets boring

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sometimes. I start drilling holes in summit. My God! That's brilliant.

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Staying in, anyone with an air rifle. When I'm bored I drill holes.

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Such a crap night. There's loads of things to do. What do you do?

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play games. What kind of games. Like wi, PlayStation. I should

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mention all... So they all send you one. If anyone is watching from any

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of the big play centre things... Play centre! Hold on, isn't play

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centre what comes out of a pregnant lady? I would rather you did not

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send me a placenta. I'm anti asking for free stuff on the telly. If you

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send me stuff, I'll smash it up with a hammer. Jimmy Carr told me a

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story, someone asked, what would you like, he said a hot tub. They -

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- he got one spent the -- sent the next day. I got in a hot tub once

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and I got have midya. Your whole attitude has changed since you've

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been in there. It's very chilling. You can't get around the chilling

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element of a onesie. Apparently Adolf Hitler had one, according to

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the song. I tell you what Mark Wright he was recently in the

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jungle. He said him and his mate will often have a night in where

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they sleep together and watch a film together in bed and sit up and

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talk all night. Any blokes have a sleep over with anate. -- mate. I

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do that with my best friend. Ross. How does that work? It's quite good.

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I don't do it all the time. Don't make a habit of it. I'm not

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condemning it. Once a month we sit up and watch a good old film and

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sometimes we cry. We watch sad films and talk about life. And you

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sleep together. We sleep in the same -- same room, obviously not in

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the... I think Mark wriet --, Where irght sleeps with someone. What is

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wrong with sleeping in the same bed. He's quite hairy. You hand soley --

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solo. I've never even thought about it. I've never thought of saying to

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a mate, saying let's -- stay over. It doesn't happen like that. It's

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like do you want to come over for a curry, and see a film... And you

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wake up the next morning. It sounds like spike in your drink. Michael

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Fish when he quit TV weather he could not give up the weather. He

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love the weather so much, he does a online weather report from his own

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home. Welcome to another look at for a big change. If you look at

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the surface pressure pattern, we have low pressure after low

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pressure. It will become a vicious storm. If you look at the shopping

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forecast. There are hurricane force... That's what this show will

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be in 20 years time. Sitting on the toilet. That was a rubbish

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impression of me by me! I'm going to end. Because I can't, I'm too

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Comedian Frank Skinner hosts a topical comedy series. Each week Frank is joined by fellow comedians and a studio audience to unpick the week's most talked-about news stories. Frank is joined in Norwich by Russell Howard.


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