Episode 5 Frank Skinner's Opinionated

Welcome to Frank Skinner Opinionnated tonight from Norwich.

It's been a strange old week. Jeremy Clarkson on The One Show and

in various newspapers has said to the -- said that the public service

workers that went on strike should be executed in front of their

families. To be fair to Clarkson has an enormous face. So the

journey from his brain to his mouth is always likely to be harassous.

When the BBC received 3 1,000 complaints before Clarkson was

having on the other size of his face. Apparently he could not hear

it. Sales of his DVD's increased 4hun47 -- 400%. I assume he's

referring to the fact that March might and Clarkson look like Shit.

A 26-year-old woman and her mother were driving down a road in Essex

when somebody dropped a block of granite on the car. If it had hit

the mum I think she would have been This programme contains strong

language. Giant pandas are one of the world's

most endangered species, and partly because the world wildlife does not

have a it's according to the Chinese a breeding nightmare. That

should hot my DVD sales! A lot of research has been done into why

pandas only have sex once a year. The most likely explanation is they

are married. Don't clap mate, you'll get it when you get home! It

looks like 32-year-old TV presenter Caroline Flack is dating 17-year-

old boy band. She has been receiving hate mail. I find it's

not so bad if it's on kitty writing paper. They look good now but

they're only going in one direction now. Welcome my guests, Russell

Both Skinner Virgins. We begin this by going to the audience and asking

them about a news story. Anything from the news? What about that

chap? What do you think about the French and the German governments'

idea of having a joint taxation across Europe. I want to try with

this one. My first instinct is shut up. A joint taxation... Would that

include, us, mate? They say originally the euro and eventually

Europe. Can I ask has everybody got these types of questions. This is

the first time we have ever had a question this hard! This isn't a

chat this is a test? As soon as you said the word "euro", everybody's

eyes went... Like at the beginning of the news, when everybody goes no,

no, Ever been to a euro disco. you go to a disco in Europe, people

dance like this. I don't! experience was the best. I don't

remember why I was... One of those nights. Somewhere like Belgium and

Belarus. It was brilliant. Everybody is having a fantastic

time. Loads of old guys and young girls and me. Sound like a bonga

party. I was having a fantastic time until somebody said she's a

prostitute, and she's... And I was the only girl who wasn't a

prostitute. Jiek a hooker Sparticus! I'm loving it. I think

The man in the back in a blue shirt. Your opinion on the discovery of a

new planet very similar to our own in atmosphere and temperature and

should we pack up and move over. you know about it? They have

discovered a Earth two. If there was people in it that would have

been in the papers. This is not a story you would not have heard of.

How come... A paent of -- planet full of people has been discovered,

page seven of the Sun. I would -- I would like to start off with local

news. I don't know if you're aware, they're thinking of opening a

topless barber shop in Norwich. Applause from the man in the back!

What do you think as a lady? As a lady number one you're not going to

see the boobs, because they'll be behind you. Mirror. They will be

behind you. Nobody is going to want a big fat woman cutting the hair

with the boobs on either shoulder. I went to a topless bar when I was

17 in Birmingham. It was one of the least sexy experiences of my life.

The women had red tee shirts on, and they cut holes in the tee

shirts, and they pulled their breasts out. They were roughly

forced out like they were making bread! As a 17-year-old when

everything is sexy I thought this is appalling. They sound like

broken sausages. At the time there was a tie on the market -- toy on

the market called the play bough fun factory. That's what it looked

like. They can't be professionals. Some men are married and they go to

strip clubs. At least you can go get away with it. You'll go to

somewhere with a topless air dressers, and they cut your hair,

and your hair will look like shit. And any bloke who has his haircut

anywhere, his wife will say where did you have it cut? Like a semi!

Would you go? It would be too awkward. Awkward enough talking to

hairdressers, let alone if they are half naked. Naples, nipples. I went

to Korea ya, You could go for a haircut and the man would ask if

you wanted something special. I didn't do this. I spoke to someone.

A lady comes in, in a rubber glove, and will give you relief with that

hand. This is a hairdresser. Really, really? I'm not making it up. The

guy said it was pretty good. My horror when you have completed,

does she hold a mirror, and you go, lovely, fabulous. That's great. Is

there anyone here who would go. That fellow in front of the camera

there. You would go. Yeah. Why? the boobs. I think that probably

makes sense. But you go to a lapdancing club. A bit more

expensive! A credit crunch pervert. I never have my hair washed when I

go to the hairdressers. That's a treat. They do the massage. They

have the minty shampoo. When you lean back, if that was me I would

not be able to resist the karate chop. Once they lay back, once you

start thinking they will chop your throat you can't relax. What about

you? Are a man for a �100 haircut? No, clearly not. My mum used to cut

my hair for years as a child. have a picture of the haircut your

mum did. APPLAUSE.

You get a feel for the woman's handiwork there. Was she a fan of

the new a vepbgers. Did she use a bowl. Yeah. Really. It wasn't very

level. A broken bowl. We have another. This was a stage you went

through. The curtains. I love those. Do you? Yeah. Did you ever draw

them. When you went to bed at night did you pull them across.

That's awful. I look like a fool. I look like a fat farmer. Can you

never say that in Norwich again. look like I'm bragging about my

crop. I don't know what we have in the way of fabulous hairdos. Your

hair which looks great and modern, that's what I would call a side

ways fringe. Yeah. It defies gravity. Is it heavy gelg. After

I've had a wash I dry it and it goes across. It stays like that? Ye.

Are you a Biba fan. No! Is that your mum with you? Sorry I thought

you might be from One Direction. There's nothing wrong with being a

Bieber fan. He really looks like him. Please stop the conversation.

It's on telly now. I would be happy. Fairly unlikely. I mean there's the

furore about Justin Bieber's hair. the other planet earth. I have two

daughters, and they hate him. likes him. He has -- he had his

hair like that. He flicked it. And he looks like a woman. That was the

when she said I'm not a fan any more. We have a picture of him.

Whether he had the same haircut as that bloke. It looks like something

has been photo shopped out of that photo. The fear in the eyes. This

is the new Bieber. It's a big moment when you change. That day

when you think I'll change my hair style. I think it's particularly

from fringe to flick. That sounds like a reality show. In which

someone leaves alternative theatre to join the cast of skal ello Ello.

I would like to show you an advert and I like to know what you and the

audience think about this. Dad, it's time. Would you be a really

nice catch for somebody. Just for Men takes five easy minutes,

targets only the great hair and can start something good. For my girls.

Just for Men. They are pimping their dad out. I like their fact

men who dye their hair are happy to leave their children at home

unattended. Those adverts I think they're a waste of time. I

genuinely believe he looked better because he did the fake dye thing.

Really? I think they call it salt and pepper hair. It's so sexy. John

Schofield a perfect example. He tried to fight the grey. And he did

it. I -- Philip Schofield, he tried to fight the grey, and looks

gorgeous. Women always dye their hair. I have a theory about women

with grey hair. Women with short grey hair, probably ex-dancer and

keen interest in the hearts. Women with long grey hair, 1 cats and a

history of mental illness. By 2031, 11 million people in this country

will be living on their own. I was single, and -- for a while, living

alone. One night I watched a science fiction movie with just my

socks on, eating beans out of a tin. I thought if I carry on like this,

will be unable to live with anybody. Sounds like a charity advert. Just

�5 a month b will buy Frank some trousers and a plate. Everyone

should experience being on their own. You should be able to

experience yourself. Whoever you marry, should be happy with you

sitting in your socks eating beans. It's not right eating beans with

just socks. That's about freedom. If you live with someone you have

to modify yourself to fit them. That's such bollocks. I haven't got

a boyfriend. But I've got two kids. They're always at home. Tonight

they are with the baby setter. And they will not be at my house, I

love these moments alone, you can do mad things. Like what? Walking

around my house naked. What! That's so much fun. I hope that was

clapping. Some people, how many people here hate being single.

can't stand being single. More the loneliness thing. I have a lot of

friends with partners, and they are all happy, arms linked, and you

think what am I doing wrong. Can we have a spotlight on this me. Are

God for that! Can I say going to the -- going to the topless

hairdressers doesn't count as being in a relationship. The one person

brave enough to say it, most people feel like that. People think they

are single, and I have to find someone quickly. I wonder if they

don't give the single life thing a chance. All my friends have

partners. At this time of the year, when it's cold. When it's cold.

What kind of relationship? Climate! Winter is the time. Anyone I've met

I've met them in the winter. You do, you want to walk in the snow, but

you want to do the cuddling things. You noticed there are very, very

large pieces of equipment on the ceiling of this studio. Slightly

frightening. Luckily... Always learning. I think I'm going to get

changed into something more comfortable. What do you think?

It's what they call a onesie. It's all in one piece. And designed for

basically every one of of those cosy nights in. I've got one.

the same pattern. Hideous, but the best item of clothing I own. It

actually has a hole in it. APPLAUSE.

No my friend told me about it. cujless onesie. My friend told me

about it. I always said I would love a baby grow as an adult. And

she told me about it. She got me one. They are really popular now.

What I want to talk about apparently four out of ten people

occasionally -- spend a day in their pyjamas. They don't go out of

the house, they stay in their PJ's. Every weekend for me, if I'm not

working, not joking. I love being at home. If friends want to

socialise I say come to me. 69% of the United Kingdom say they go out

less than they used to. You should not be in watching telly. You don't

have to watch telly. We have a clip here from the 70's of a guy who

decides he is going to stay up all night. This is how he decides to

fill his time. I don't go to -- when I don't to go to school,

during the day I sleep, it's at night I'm awake and find things to

do, like shooting mice. Mice seems to congregate around the washing

machine. I kill one, and I wait for another one to come. It gets boring

sometimes. I start drilling holes in summit. My God! That's brilliant.

Staying in, anyone with an air rifle. When I'm bored I drill holes.

Such a crap night. There's loads of things to do. What do you do?

play games. What kind of games. Like wi, PlayStation. I should

mention all... So they all send you one. If anyone is watching from any

of the big play centre things... Play centre! Hold on, isn't play

centre what comes out of a pregnant lady? I would rather you did not

send me a placenta. I'm anti asking for free stuff on the telly. If you

send me stuff, I'll smash it up with a hammer. Jimmy Carr told me a

story, someone asked, what would you like, he said a hot tub. They -

- he got one spent the -- sent the next day. I got in a hot tub once

and I got have midya. Your whole attitude has changed since you've

been in there. It's very chilling. You can't get around the chilling

element of a onesie. Apparently Adolf Hitler had one, according to

the song. I tell you what Mark Wright he was recently in the

jungle. He said him and his mate will often have a night in where

they sleep together and watch a film together in bed and sit up and

talk all night. Any blokes have a sleep over with anate. -- mate. I

do that with my best friend. Ross. How does that work? It's quite good.

I don't do it all the time. Don't make a habit of it. I'm not

condemning it. Once a month we sit up and watch a good old film and

sometimes we cry. We watch sad films and talk about life. And you

sleep together. We sleep in the same -- same room, obviously not in

the... I think Mark wriet --, Where irght sleeps with someone. What is

wrong with sleeping in the same bed. He's quite hairy. You hand soley --

solo. I've never even thought about it. I've never thought of saying to

a mate, saying let's -- stay over. It doesn't happen like that. It's

like do you want to come over for a curry, and see a film... And you

wake up the next morning. It sounds like spike in your drink. Michael

Fish when he quit TV weather he could not give up the weather. He

love the weather so much, he does a online weather report from his own

home. Welcome to another look at for a big change. If you look at

the surface pressure pattern, we have low pressure after low

pressure. It will become a vicious storm. If you look at the shopping

forecast. There are hurricane force... That's what this show will

be in 20 years time. Sitting on the toilet. That was a rubbish

impression of me by me! I'm going to end. Because I can't, I'm too