Comedian Frank Skinner hosts a topical comedy series. Frank is joined in Glasgow by Reginald D Hunter and Sarah Millican.
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There's some strong language in Hello and welcome. Tonight, we are
in Glasgow. APPLAUSE
It's been a strange old week. It turns out some of the polar bears
in Frozen Planet weren't actually in the Arctic when they were filmed.
I got a bit suspicious when I noticed some were standing on
This isn't the first such controversy Sir David has been
involved in. Many will remember in 1999 when during the sequence
supposedly filmed in the great barrier reef, one of the fish
suddenly started singing Don't Worry, Be Happy. The -- there is a
campaign that is called ho No, No, which is Silvio Berlusconi's new
year's resolution. The campaign features two dogs who are left
alone in a wood last Christmas. The Trust named the dogs Pudding and
Brandy, which is an unusual way of suggesting that a dog is not just
for Christmas. David Cameron's decision to veto the treaty has
made Great Britain very unhop lar in Europe, but still not quite as
unpopular -- unpopular in Europe, but still not quite as unpopular as
in Scotland. Apparently at the meeting the European leaders were
all trying to prove they were suffering the most financial
hardship. The Irish leader said he had to be bailed out by the IMF,
the Greek leader said they had been in recession for three consecutive
years and Angela Merkel said she was suffering a double dip!
APPLAUSE An Italian cat has inherited nearly
�10 million. Making it something of a celebrity in Italy. On Tuesday,
the Kata tended the Italian of the Year show, where it won nine
Lifetime Achievement Awards. The press questioned whether it should
be legal to leave a cat �10 million. Even Silvio Berlusconi said he's
never spent that much on pussy! APPLAUSE
On Tuesday, retail guru Mary Portas gave her views on what's gone wrong
with the average British high street. Today, the model of the
high street is so outdated. It is working in the same way it did in
the 60s. That ain't here. Maybe you should tell your hairdresser! The X
Factor judgment Louis Walsh has spent �30,000 on a hair transplant.
He said he hadn't noticed he was going bald. To be fair, it's quite
dark up Simon Cowell's arse. At last, we have an English version of
the lock necessary monster. In the river Lee, near the Olympic Stadium,
a Canada goose was pulled below the surface for by a large creature. A
spokesman said: I think it's probably David Attenborough in an
oven glove! He's filming his new series, The Mysteries of the Amazon.
Please, welcome Sarah Millican and reethnald D hunter.
APPLAUSE -- Reginald D Hunter. APPLAUSE
Thanks for coming all this way. It's not a problem to Glasgow. You
picked it in December. Why can't we do this in July? It's exactly the
same! That's cute, man. It's bad, man! What hurts? I thought I had
the flu, but then I realised the cold had reached into my soul!
hate it when that happens. I know. We usually start the show by asking
a member of the audience to suggest a news story to talk about. Is
there anyone wanting to get the ball rolling? There's a man there.
What about the pandas arriving in Edinburgh. What do you think of
them? It's quite exciting. really. We are spending �1 million
a year on them. It would be spent on something else, rather than
blooming pandas. Generally speaking any choice on pandas and hospitals
on the other, I go panda! I think the idea is the money they spend
they'll still make a profit, because they'll sell a lot of
keyring. The pandas will sell them? Are they making them work in the
shop as well? They've got to wern the million. -- earn the million.
If you had a stroke, but instead of rushing you to the hospital they
brought in a panda, you'd be pretty mad. My mam and dad have been up on
holiday in Scotland and they said, next time we're all here, which
will be in March, do you want to go and see the pandas? I texted back
about other things and then I said totally up for the pandas and many
mam thinks it's a new award. She thinks I'm up for a panda. That
would be brilliant. They are going to become celebrities. They'll be
great for the tourist board and all that. They exist. That's one thing.
The monster exists as well, it's just that it doesn't appear. He's
certainly a lot cheaper, the monster. They are calling them
Brangelina because they are a celebrity couple and because
they'll probably end up with black and white children!
APPLAUSE It is - any other stories anyone
would like to talk about? What about the lady in the red dress?
What are your opinions on the man- handling the boy off the trained.
We have a bit of the footage. If you are not completely aware, this
happened just outside of Edinburgh and a guy was told that he had to
get off the train because his ticket wasn't valid and he didn't
want to get off. You've not paid at all. You've bought a single. I told
you I paid. No, you've not. You need not swear. Don't start
complaining. Is he getting off here. Yes. Right, come on. Move. Move now.
Get off the train. Move. Now move! APPLAUSE
That woman in the glasses looked like she had a bit of a go on the
way out. She was all quiet and then thought, he's the big man. Is
anyone on the side of the little fellow? This lady in the blonde
hair. Emight have bought a ticket and that's somebody's son who left
out with no money to get a train home and I feel sorry for him.
are entitled to your opinion. said all the stuff in his Walt was
left on the train. I should say that the bit before this, he's
basically swearing quite a lot at the poor old white-haired guard who
is only doing his job. One would argue that Hitler was somebody's
son! I felt sorry for him, anyway. LAUGHTER
What do you think, reg? -- Reg? It's good to see a man step forward,
whatever the consequences I'm going to right this, instead of somebody
telling me it's OK. It's cool. The lady up here, she is a mother and
empathises. She feels for that little boy, but fuck him, really!
think we'll kick off now. I guess, the big story of the week is the
fact that David Cameron said no, no, no. That's in Europe. Apparently,
Nick Clegg, you may or may not know, is the Deputy Prime Minister, was
very upset and this is the quote from Nick Clegg which I find
Now, can I just say that to me summing up what he's saying there,
is a bulldog is better than a pygmy? That is the most racist
thing I've ever heard any politician say. Correct me if I'm
wrong s a pygmy a black mythet? midget No, not quite. It's a tribe
that are all very short. Pygmies are a tribe. OK. They are migets. -
- midgets. I think that's a word that we are going to have to let go.
They haven't got rid of midget gems yet. How many people agree with
Cameron? Anyone think he did the wrong thing? There are more pandas
in Scotland than there are Tory MPs. I think Tory MPs are slightly
cheaper! I don't think I've ever said that before. Did you see Prime
Minister's questions this week? A very rare thing happened. There
was quite a good joke in the House of Commons and it was done by David
Cameron. Did you see this? Ed Miliband said something about the
fact that Cameron and Clegg weren't getting on and Cameron said, "Don't
believe everything you read in the papers. It's not that bad. It's not
as if we're brothers or anything." Ed looked like a bullied schoolboy.
It was terrible, but then, and this is why Cameron isn't a professional
comedian, he turned to the other Tories and said, "Well, he walked
right into that one." I thought, you don't do that. He's just ruined
it. He's killed it now. Let it go. No point coaching these people. Is
there anyone who likes the idea of being European? Lady right there.
You are proud to be European? would rather be European than
British. Oohhhh! I'm happy - That's upsetting. People get weird about
that. It's a bit of a touchy subject, the old British thing. We
want you to stay, we in England. They are looking at you like, "You
know what you did." APPLAUSE
Does anyone else have any thoughts on the whole English thing, because
I'm interested in it? What about that man there with the raised
hand? We are just a bit sick of the arrogance, that the English showed
towards the rest of Britain. Particularly football.
APPLAUSE I mean, any time England plays all
we hear, 1966. It was over 40kwhreerz -- 40 years ago. Get
over it, you'll never win it again. APPLAUSE
Well, I could say the same about Banockburn Wait for it. He walked
right into that one! Is there anyone here who is pro-English?
Anyone who is Scottish? What about the man, I'm calling it a tartan
shirt? I worked in England for about 20 years and my wife here is
English, - and I made him put his hands up. We are still bullying
them now. Reg, the Americans are not exactly much loved across the
globe? No there are lots of Americans who are assholes. British
folk say to me, "30% of Americans have a passport." They say it with
a tone of... You better be glad. If you let them know there are other
places go outside of America! have something of - can I have a
quick show of hands. How many people are in favour of Scottish
independence? Not that many. I thought it was quite popular. No,
OK. Well, we have an interesting man here who has experienced
independence in the extreme form. We have Prince Michael of Sealand
in the audience. Prince Michael. Hello. It's nice to see you.
too. You are from Seeland. I suspect many of us won't know what
that is, or where it is. Can you enlighten us? It's a small war-time
fortress in the North Sea that my father declared independence on in
the 60s. He lived on this place and declared it a principality? Yeah,
indeed. We have some footage of Seeland to give an idea of what it
is like. There it is. It's not the dream island. No, I few palm trees
would be nice. You lived there for how long? Years and years. What was
it liking living on Seeland? It doesn't look like you have got a
lot space. There's quite a lot of space. Those two towers that you
look at have rooms right down to the level of the seabed. Quie a lot
of space. I -- quite a lot of space. I bet you lost a few footballs?
did. We have a picture of your dad diclairg independence. That is him
and some of his -- declaring independence. That is him and some
of his mates. That's me on the left. You have got your own flag. Joirbgs
stamps and coins. When your dad -- Stamps and coins. When your dad
claims this, did not someone from the Navy say, "It belongs to us?
."? It was in international waters, but the British Government
considered us like a Cuba off the coast. It's seven-and-a-half miles
off the coast. I bet it's lovely and quiet? No neighbours to annoy.
You say that. Look at this picture. You don't want a house on the main
road! It's an amazing story. This is your son. My son, James. Your
Prince Michael and so what it your title? I'm a prince. Are you
running out of ideas, Michael? OK. So what else have you got? Other
people, kings? We issue titles. We have noble people, Lords and ladies
and barons and we would like to make you a Lord of Seeland if you
would accept. APPLAUSE
What happens? I'm on my way. APPLAUSE
Thank you so much. That's brilliant. That's fantastic. Thank you very
much. Cheers. Brilliant. I am actually now officially a Lord. Can
I sit in the House of Lords with that? The Sealand House of Lords.
OK! I bet there's a lock on the door, isn't there? Look, as we are
up in Scotland, I thought I would take advantage of that to talk
about an event which I have always associated with Scotland since I
was a child. That is new year. Would most people in here say that
new year is a bigger deal than Christmas? All all yes. If you are
a family gentleman then Christmas should be more important, but if
you are single you can embrace the drink culture and the rest of the
world will embrace it with you. It's only the time it's socially
accepted. I have to disagree. When I was a heavy drinker I hated New
Year's Eve. There are all the part- time drinkers blocking the path.
The most tragic new year... The most tragic new year, I spent in on
my own and for my own amusement at midnight I performed a sexual act
which I combined with the Auld Lang Sayne. Now, whenever I do it I
think back to that. I wore marigolds. I would recommend it, if
you are alone this new year. Is anyone here planning to make a new
year's resolution and they've decided? What about this guy here
with the very Scottish T-shirt? Last year's resolution, which was
to try to get on telly. APPLAUSE
Congratulations. Thank you very much. It's much easier than giving
up smoking, isn't it? Any other new year's resolutions? That lady with
the specticals? We are both saving up to get married, so the
resolution is to put as much money away as possible, so if anyone
wants to chip in, feel free. What kind of thing will you sacrifice?
Food. Heating. Anything. Everything. Do you not worry that when you take
all the luxuries out of your life you may grow to loath each other?
Are you saving the money to have the wedding or saving the money so
once you all get married you can take your first year off or
something like that The big day, the big dress. How much roughly
will that cost? 18,027! That sounds to me that is more one person's
dream! You look perfectly matched. You are both dressed the same. You
look like Eastern European puppet eers. Is there anyone here who has
got what we used to call in the old days, a party piece? I've got one.
I can do a horn noise. Are you ready?
APPLAUSE I have to do the hand. I can't do
it without the hand. Any other party pieces? That man there in the
checked shirt. I can make a tea towel into a chicken. I love that.
What did he say? Something about a chicken! Oh, no. Surely not? A tea
towel. I can make it into a chicken. Well, I would love to see that.
While we get the tea towel, I would like to show you I think perhaps
the greatest party piece of all time. I've shown several clips this
series, but this is my favourite of all. This is a man called Cecil who
has a fabulous party piece, but I think he's a kind of a party piece
in himself. In the year of 1914 in the month of February I was coming
home from school and my hands got very cold and I had no mittens. I
began to bring them together and that wouldn't do, so I began
squeezing them and I was surprised to think I could make a few
different sounds. Then I played every day and pretty soon I could
play tunes. Pretty soon I could play Yankee Doodle.
APPLAUSE Feeling home-sick, Reg? Actually,
I'm feeling a burst of pride. This weekend is the final of
Strictly Come Dancing. Do you watch Strictly Come Dancing, Rth? Never
seen it. Are -- Reg? Never seen it. Are you aware of what it is? Yes,
it gives a man and a woman who are not mairdary a chance to touch --
married a chance to get to touch each other without anyone getting
upset. It is harmless ar battic touching. Do you dance -- acrobatic
touching. Do you dance? I try to dance with my arms in the air
because that's the best way my boobs look, because they are up
higher. The best dance for your boobs is Auld Lang Sayne. You just
rest them on a shelve. I have to say, I really struggle with it. If
I get on a dancefloor, it could be at a wedding or elsewhere, I get
incredibly self-conscious. I can barely move. When we used to go to
discos when I was 18 or 19, all the girls had a little signal that we
do to each other, if there was a bloke in his 50s in a Noel Edmonds'
jumper, going behind you. You had to do something like that and they
would swoop in. I am suggesting that maybe they are looking at you.
Were you wearing a Noel Edmonds' jumper? I thought there was a knits
epidemic. I love that bit when Tom Jones, when he does Kiss, "Think I
better dance now." Then he doesn't really. They always looks like
somebody has shot a bear with a knock-out dart, then while he was
knocked out they put clothes on it and he is trying to get them off.
That's just my view. We have a man in the audience, Dr Peter lovet. --
Lovett. Would it be true to say that you are the Lord of the dance?
No. Well, maybe. I'm a dance psychologist. I study the
psychology and science of dance. Can you tell me why do I get
incredibly self-conscious when I dance? Well, we have looked at
dancing of about 14,000 people from right across the age range from 13
to 76, from men and women and we find dance confidence changes as
the function of your age and gender. You are probably very self-
conscious because you know that people are watching you. The reason
you are self-conscious about that, is because the way you dance is
influenced by your genetic make-up and people can see that when you
dance. You mean I'm sort of putting my sexuality in the shop window?
Yeah, we all do whenever we dance. They say the secret of happiness is
to be able to dance like there's no-one watching. I've never managed
to do that. There are lots of things we could work on with you to
kind of get rid of that. One of those is to stop you thinking. You
need to get rid of that thought process and make your body move and
wiggle a little bit. It's a lot more fun that -- than doing the
Auld Lang Sayne on your own! APPLAUSE
I believe the idea is that as you get older you care less about what
people think about you, so you dance with great fee Dom? We know
that men over the age of 65 are the most confident dancers of all men
across their whole lifespan. glad you said that. This is a bloke
called Sweet Fred. This is a Shania Twain gig. She calls up this little
old guy out of the audience and asks him if he wants to dance, but
he's a bit deaf and he says, "I can't sing." Bless him. Then he
gets into the groove. # Don't freak out until the you
know the facts, relax... # He doesn't give a shit. So, thanks to