Episode 6 Frank Skinner's Opinionated

There's some strong language in Hello and welcome. Tonight, we are

in Glasgow. APPLAUSE

It's been a strange old week. It turns out some of the polar bears

in Frozen Planet weren't actually in the Arctic when they were filmed.

I got a bit suspicious when I noticed some were standing on

mints! LAUGHTER

This isn't the first such controversy Sir David has been

involved in. Many will remember in 1999 when during the sequence

supposedly filmed in the great barrier reef, one of the fish

suddenly started singing Don't Worry, Be Happy. The -- there is a

campaign that is called ho No, No, which is Silvio Berlusconi's new

year's resolution. The campaign features two dogs who are left

alone in a wood last Christmas. The Trust named the dogs Pudding and

Brandy, which is an unusual way of suggesting that a dog is not just

for Christmas. David Cameron's decision to veto the treaty has

made Great Britain very unhop lar in Europe, but still not quite as

unpopular -- unpopular in Europe, but still not quite as unpopular as

in Scotland. Apparently at the meeting the European leaders were

all trying to prove they were suffering the most financial

hardship. The Irish leader said he had to be bailed out by the IMF,

the Greek leader said they had been in recession for three consecutive

years and Angela Merkel said she was suffering a double dip!

APPLAUSE An Italian cat has inherited nearly

�10 million. Making it something of a celebrity in Italy. On Tuesday,

the Kata tended the Italian of the Year show, where it won nine

Lifetime Achievement Awards. The press questioned whether it should

be legal to leave a cat �10 million. Even Silvio Berlusconi said he's

never spent that much on pussy! APPLAUSE

On Tuesday, retail guru Mary Portas gave her views on what's gone wrong

with the average British high street. Today, the model of the

high street is so outdated. It is working in the same way it did in

the 60s. That ain't here. Maybe you should tell your hairdresser! The X

Factor judgment Louis Walsh has spent �30,000 on a hair transplant.

He said he hadn't noticed he was going bald. To be fair, it's quite

dark up Simon Cowell's arse. At last, we have an English version of

the lock necessary monster. In the river Lee, near the Olympic Stadium,

a Canada goose was pulled below the surface for by a large creature. A

spokesman said: I think it's probably David Attenborough in an

oven glove! He's filming his new series, The Mysteries of the Amazon.

Please, welcome Sarah Millican and reethnald D hunter.

APPLAUSE -- Reginald D Hunter. APPLAUSE

Thanks for coming all this way. It's not a problem to Glasgow. You

picked it in December. Why can't we do this in July? It's exactly the

same! That's cute, man. It's bad, man! What hurts? I thought I had

the flu, but then I realised the cold had reached into my soul!

hate it when that happens. I know. We usually start the show by asking

a member of the audience to suggest a news story to talk about. Is

there anyone wanting to get the ball rolling? There's a man there.

What about the pandas arriving in Edinburgh. What do you think of

them? It's quite exciting. really. We are spending �1 million

a year on them. It would be spent on something else, rather than

blooming pandas. Generally speaking any choice on pandas and hospitals

on the other, I go panda! I think the idea is the money they spend

they'll still make a profit, because they'll sell a lot of

keyring. The pandas will sell them? Are they making them work in the

shop as well? They've got to wern the million. -- earn the million.

If you had a stroke, but instead of rushing you to the hospital they

brought in a panda, you'd be pretty mad. My mam and dad have been up on

holiday in Scotland and they said, next time we're all here, which

will be in March, do you want to go and see the pandas? I texted back

about other things and then I said totally up for the pandas and many

mam thinks it's a new award. She thinks I'm up for a panda. That

would be brilliant. They are going to become celebrities. They'll be

great for the tourist board and all that. They exist. That's one thing.

The monster exists as well, it's just that it doesn't appear. He's

certainly a lot cheaper, the monster. They are calling them

Brangelina because they are a celebrity couple and because

they'll probably end up with black and white children!

APPLAUSE It is - any other stories anyone

would like to talk about? What about the lady in the red dress?

What are your opinions on the man- handling the boy off the trained.

We have a bit of the footage. If you are not completely aware, this

happened just outside of Edinburgh and a guy was told that he had to

get off the train because his ticket wasn't valid and he didn't

want to get off. You've not paid at all. You've bought a single. I told

you I paid. No, you've not. You need not swear. Don't start

complaining. Is he getting off here. Yes. Right, come on. Move. Move now.

Get off the train. Move. Now move! APPLAUSE

That woman in the glasses looked like she had a bit of a go on the

way out. She was all quiet and then thought, he's the big man. Is

anyone on the side of the little fellow? This lady in the blonde

hair. Emight have bought a ticket and that's somebody's son who left

out with no money to get a train home and I feel sorry for him.

are entitled to your opinion. said all the stuff in his Walt was

left on the train. I should say that the bit before this, he's

basically swearing quite a lot at the poor old white-haired guard who

is only doing his job. One would argue that Hitler was somebody's

son! I felt sorry for him, anyway. LAUGHTER

What do you think, reg? -- Reg? It's good to see a man step forward,

whatever the consequences I'm going to right this, instead of somebody

telling me it's OK. It's cool. The lady up here, she is a mother and

empathises. She feels for that little boy, but fuck him, really!

think we'll kick off now. I guess, the big story of the week is the

fact that David Cameron said no, no, no. That's in Europe. Apparently,

Nick Clegg, you may or may not know, is the Deputy Prime Minister, was

very upset and this is the quote from Nick Clegg which I find

Now, can I just say that to me summing up what he's saying there,

is a bulldog is better than a pygmy? That is the most racist

thing I've ever heard any politician say. Correct me if I'm

wrong s a pygmy a black mythet? midget No, not quite. It's a tribe

that are all very short. Pygmies are a tribe. OK. They are migets. -

- midgets. I think that's a word that we are going to have to let go.

They haven't got rid of midget gems yet. How many people agree with

Cameron? Anyone think he did the wrong thing? There are more pandas

in Scotland than there are Tory MPs. I think Tory MPs are slightly

cheaper! I don't think I've ever said that before. Did you see Prime

Minister's questions this week? A very rare thing happened. There

was quite a good joke in the House of Commons and it was done by David

Cameron. Did you see this? Ed Miliband said something about the

fact that Cameron and Clegg weren't getting on and Cameron said, "Don't

believe everything you read in the papers. It's not that bad. It's not

as if we're brothers or anything." Ed looked like a bullied schoolboy.

It was terrible, but then, and this is why Cameron isn't a professional

comedian, he turned to the other Tories and said, "Well, he walked

right into that one." I thought, you don't do that. He's just ruined

it. He's killed it now. Let it go. No point coaching these people. Is

there anyone who likes the idea of being European? Lady right there.

You are proud to be European? would rather be European than

British. Oohhhh! I'm happy - That's upsetting. People get weird about

that. It's a bit of a touchy subject, the old British thing. We

want you to stay, we in England. They are looking at you like, "You

know what you did." APPLAUSE

Does anyone else have any thoughts on the whole English thing, because

I'm interested in it? What about that man there with the raised

hand? We are just a bit sick of the arrogance, that the English showed

towards the rest of Britain. Particularly football.

APPLAUSE I mean, any time England plays all

we hear, 1966. It was over 40kwhreerz -- 40 years ago. Get

over it, you'll never win it again. APPLAUSE

Well, I could say the same about Banockburn Wait for it. He walked

right into that one! Is there anyone here who is pro-English?

Anyone who is Scottish? What about the man, I'm calling it a tartan

shirt? I worked in England for about 20 years and my wife here is

English, - and I made him put his hands up. We are still bullying

them now. Reg, the Americans are not exactly much loved across the

globe? No there are lots of Americans who are assholes. British

folk say to me, "30% of Americans have a passport." They say it with

a tone of... You better be glad. If you let them know there are other

places go outside of America! have something of - can I have a

quick show of hands. How many people are in favour of Scottish

independence? Not that many. I thought it was quite popular. No,

OK. Well, we have an interesting man here who has experienced

independence in the extreme form. We have Prince Michael of Sealand

in the audience. Prince Michael. Hello. It's nice to see you.

too. You are from Seeland. I suspect many of us won't know what

that is, or where it is. Can you enlighten us? It's a small war-time

fortress in the North Sea that my father declared independence on in

the 60s. He lived on this place and declared it a principality? Yeah,

indeed. We have some footage of Seeland to give an idea of what it

is like. There it is. It's not the dream island. No, I few palm trees

would be nice. You lived there for how long? Years and years. What was

it liking living on Seeland? It doesn't look like you have got a

lot space. There's quite a lot of space. Those two towers that you

look at have rooms right down to the level of the seabed. Quie a lot

of space. I -- quite a lot of space. I bet you lost a few footballs?

did. We have a picture of your dad diclairg independence. That is him

and some of his -- declaring independence. That is him and some

of his mates. That's me on the left. You have got your own flag. Joirbgs

stamps and coins. When your dad -- Stamps and coins. When your dad

claims this, did not someone from the Navy say, "It belongs to us?

."? It was in international waters, but the British Government

considered us like a Cuba off the coast. It's seven-and-a-half miles

off the coast. I bet it's lovely and quiet? No neighbours to annoy.

You say that. Look at this picture. You don't want a house on the main

road! It's an amazing story. This is your son. My son, James. Your

Prince Michael and so what it your title? I'm a prince. Are you

running out of ideas, Michael? OK. So what else have you got? Other

people, kings? We issue titles. We have noble people, Lords and ladies

and barons and we would like to make you a Lord of Seeland if you

would accept. APPLAUSE

What happens? I'm on my way. APPLAUSE

Thank you so much. That's brilliant. That's fantastic. Thank you very

much. Cheers. Brilliant. I am actually now officially a Lord. Can

I sit in the House of Lords with that? The Sealand House of Lords.

OK! I bet there's a lock on the door, isn't there? Look, as we are

up in Scotland, I thought I would take advantage of that to talk

about an event which I have always associated with Scotland since I

was a child. That is new year. Would most people in here say that

new year is a bigger deal than Christmas? All all yes. If you are

a family gentleman then Christmas should be more important, but if

you are single you can embrace the drink culture and the rest of the

world will embrace it with you. It's only the time it's socially

accepted. I have to disagree. When I was a heavy drinker I hated New

Year's Eve. There are all the part- time drinkers blocking the path.

The most tragic new year... The most tragic new year, I spent in on

my own and for my own amusement at midnight I performed a sexual act

which I combined with the Auld Lang Sayne. Now, whenever I do it I

think back to that. I wore marigolds. I would recommend it, if

you are alone this new year. Is anyone here planning to make a new

year's resolution and they've decided? What about this guy here

with the very Scottish T-shirt? Last year's resolution, which was

to try to get on telly. APPLAUSE

Congratulations. Thank you very much. It's much easier than giving

up smoking, isn't it? Any other new year's resolutions? That lady with

the specticals? We are both saving up to get married, so the

resolution is to put as much money away as possible, so if anyone

wants to chip in, feel free. What kind of thing will you sacrifice?

Food. Heating. Anything. Everything. Do you not worry that when you take

all the luxuries out of your life you may grow to loath each other?

Are you saving the money to have the wedding or saving the money so

once you all get married you can take your first year off or

something like that The big day, the big dress. How much roughly

will that cost? 18,027! That sounds to me that is more one person's

dream! You look perfectly matched. You are both dressed the same. You

look like Eastern European puppet eers. Is there anyone here who has

got what we used to call in the old days, a party piece? I've got one.

I can do a horn noise. Are you ready?

APPLAUSE I have to do the hand. I can't do

it without the hand. Any other party pieces? That man there in the

checked shirt. I can make a tea towel into a chicken. I love that.

What did he say? Something about a chicken! Oh, no. Surely not? A tea

towel. I can make it into a chicken. Well, I would love to see that.

While we get the tea towel, I would like to show you I think perhaps

the greatest party piece of all time. I've shown several clips this

series, but this is my favourite of all. This is a man called Cecil who

has a fabulous party piece, but I think he's a kind of a party piece

in himself. In the year of 1914 in the month of February I was coming

home from school and my hands got very cold and I had no mittens. I

began to bring them together and that wouldn't do, so I began

squeezing them and I was surprised to think I could make a few

different sounds. Then I played every day and pretty soon I could

play tunes. Pretty soon I could play Yankee Doodle.

APPLAUSE Feeling home-sick, Reg? Actually,

I'm feeling a burst of pride. This weekend is the final of

Strictly Come Dancing. Do you watch Strictly Come Dancing, Rth? Never

seen it. Are -- Reg? Never seen it. Are you aware of what it is? Yes,

it gives a man and a woman who are not mairdary a chance to touch --

married a chance to get to touch each other without anyone getting

upset. It is harmless ar battic touching. Do you dance -- acrobatic

touching. Do you dance? I try to dance with my arms in the air

because that's the best way my boobs look, because they are up

higher. The best dance for your boobs is Auld Lang Sayne. You just

rest them on a shelve. I have to say, I really struggle with it. If

I get on a dancefloor, it could be at a wedding or elsewhere, I get

incredibly self-conscious. I can barely move. When we used to go to

discos when I was 18 or 19, all the girls had a little signal that we

do to each other, if there was a bloke in his 50s in a Noel Edmonds'

jumper, going behind you. You had to do something like that and they

would swoop in. I am suggesting that maybe they are looking at you.

Were you wearing a Noel Edmonds' jumper? I thought there was a knits

epidemic. I love that bit when Tom Jones, when he does Kiss, "Think I

better dance now." Then he doesn't really. They always looks like

somebody has shot a bear with a knock-out dart, then while he was

knocked out they put clothes on it and he is trying to get them off.

That's just my view. We have a man in the audience, Dr Peter lovet. --

Lovett. Would it be true to say that you are the Lord of the dance?

No. Well, maybe. I'm a dance psychologist. I study the

psychology and science of dance. Can you tell me why do I get

incredibly self-conscious when I dance? Well, we have looked at

dancing of about 14,000 people from right across the age range from 13

to 76, from men and women and we find dance confidence changes as

the function of your age and gender. You are probably very self-

conscious because you know that people are watching you. The reason

you are self-conscious about that, is because the way you dance is

influenced by your genetic make-up and people can see that when you

dance. You mean I'm sort of putting my sexuality in the shop window?

Yeah, we all do whenever we dance. They say the secret of happiness is

to be able to dance like there's no-one watching. I've never managed

to do that. There are lots of things we could work on with you to

kind of get rid of that. One of those is to stop you thinking. You

need to get rid of that thought process and make your body move and

wiggle a little bit. It's a lot more fun that -- than doing the

Auld Lang Sayne on your own! APPLAUSE

I believe the idea is that as you get older you care less about what

people think about you, so you dance with great fee Dom? We know

that men over the age of 65 are the most confident dancers of all men

across their whole lifespan. glad you said that. This is a bloke

called Sweet Fred. This is a Shania Twain gig. She calls up this little

old guy out of the audience and asks him if he wants to dance, but

he's a bit deaf and he says, "I can't sing." Bless him. Then he

gets into the groove. # Don't freak out until the you

know the facts, relax... # He doesn't give a shit. So, thanks to