Episode 6 Frank Skinner's Opinionated


Episode 6

Comedian Frank Skinner hosts a topical comedy series. Frank is joined in Glasgow by Reginald D Hunter and Sarah Millican.


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Transcript


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There's some strong language in Hello and welcome. Tonight, we are

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in Glasgow. APPLAUSE

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It's been a strange old week. It turns out some of the polar bears

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in Frozen Planet weren't actually in the Arctic when they were filmed.

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I got a bit suspicious when I noticed some were standing on

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mints! LAUGHTER

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This isn't the first such controversy Sir David has been

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involved in. Many will remember in 1999 when during the sequence

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supposedly filmed in the great barrier reef, one of the fish

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suddenly started singing Don't Worry, Be Happy. The -- there is a

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campaign that is called ho No, No, which is Silvio Berlusconi's new

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year's resolution. The campaign features two dogs who are left

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alone in a wood last Christmas. The Trust named the dogs Pudding and

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Brandy, which is an unusual way of suggesting that a dog is not just

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for Christmas. David Cameron's decision to veto the treaty has

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made Great Britain very unhop lar in Europe, but still not quite as

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unpopular -- unpopular in Europe, but still not quite as unpopular as

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in Scotland. Apparently at the meeting the European leaders were

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all trying to prove they were suffering the most financial

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hardship. The Irish leader said he had to be bailed out by the IMF,

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the Greek leader said they had been in recession for three consecutive

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years and Angela Merkel said she was suffering a double dip!

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APPLAUSE An Italian cat has inherited nearly

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�10 million. Making it something of a celebrity in Italy. On Tuesday,

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the Kata tended the Italian of the Year show, where it won nine

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Lifetime Achievement Awards. The press questioned whether it should

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be legal to leave a cat �10 million. Even Silvio Berlusconi said he's

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never spent that much on pussy! APPLAUSE

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On Tuesday, retail guru Mary Portas gave her views on what's gone wrong

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with the average British high street. Today, the model of the

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high street is so outdated. It is working in the same way it did in

:03:13.:03:23.
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the 60s. That ain't here. Maybe you should tell your hairdresser! The X

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Factor judgment Louis Walsh has spent �30,000 on a hair transplant.

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He said he hadn't noticed he was going bald. To be fair, it's quite

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dark up Simon Cowell's arse. At last, we have an English version of

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the lock necessary monster. In the river Lee, near the Olympic Stadium,

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a Canada goose was pulled below the surface for by a large creature. A

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spokesman said: I think it's probably David Attenborough in an

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oven glove! He's filming his new series, The Mysteries of the Amazon.

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Please, welcome Sarah Millican and reethnald D hunter.

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APPLAUSE -- Reginald D Hunter. APPLAUSE

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Thanks for coming all this way. It's not a problem to Glasgow. You

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picked it in December. Why can't we do this in July? It's exactly the

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same! That's cute, man. It's bad, man! What hurts? I thought I had

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the flu, but then I realised the cold had reached into my soul!

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hate it when that happens. I know. We usually start the show by asking

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a member of the audience to suggest a news story to talk about. Is

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there anyone wanting to get the ball rolling? There's a man there.

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What about the pandas arriving in Edinburgh. What do you think of

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them? It's quite exciting. really. We are spending �1 million

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a year on them. It would be spent on something else, rather than

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blooming pandas. Generally speaking any choice on pandas and hospitals

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on the other, I go panda! I think the idea is the money they spend

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they'll still make a profit, because they'll sell a lot of

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keyring. The pandas will sell them? Are they making them work in the

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shop as well? They've got to wern the million. -- earn the million.

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If you had a stroke, but instead of rushing you to the hospital they

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brought in a panda, you'd be pretty mad. My mam and dad have been up on

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holiday in Scotland and they said, next time we're all here, which

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will be in March, do you want to go and see the pandas? I texted back

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about other things and then I said totally up for the pandas and many

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mam thinks it's a new award. She thinks I'm up for a panda. That

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would be brilliant. They are going to become celebrities. They'll be

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great for the tourist board and all that. They exist. That's one thing.

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The monster exists as well, it's just that it doesn't appear. He's

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certainly a lot cheaper, the monster. They are calling them

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Brangelina because they are a celebrity couple and because

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they'll probably end up with black and white children!

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APPLAUSE It is - any other stories anyone

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would like to talk about? What about the lady in the red dress?

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What are your opinions on the man- handling the boy off the trained.

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We have a bit of the footage. If you are not completely aware, this

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happened just outside of Edinburgh and a guy was told that he had to

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get off the train because his ticket wasn't valid and he didn't

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want to get off. You've not paid at all. You've bought a single. I told

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you I paid. No, you've not. You need not swear. Don't start

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complaining. Is he getting off here. Yes. Right, come on. Move. Move now.

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Get off the train. Move. Now move! APPLAUSE

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That woman in the glasses looked like she had a bit of a go on the

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way out. She was all quiet and then thought, he's the big man. Is

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anyone on the side of the little fellow? This lady in the blonde

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hair. Emight have bought a ticket and that's somebody's son who left

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out with no money to get a train home and I feel sorry for him.

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are entitled to your opinion. said all the stuff in his Walt was

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left on the train. I should say that the bit before this, he's

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basically swearing quite a lot at the poor old white-haired guard who

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is only doing his job. One would argue that Hitler was somebody's

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son! I felt sorry for him, anyway. LAUGHTER

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What do you think, reg? -- Reg? It's good to see a man step forward,

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whatever the consequences I'm going to right this, instead of somebody

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telling me it's OK. It's cool. The lady up here, she is a mother and

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empathises. She feels for that little boy, but fuck him, really!

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think we'll kick off now. I guess, the big story of the week is the

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fact that David Cameron said no, no, no. That's in Europe. Apparently,

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Nick Clegg, you may or may not know, is the Deputy Prime Minister, was

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very upset and this is the quote from Nick Clegg which I find

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Now, can I just say that to me summing up what he's saying there,

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is a bulldog is better than a pygmy? That is the most racist

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thing I've ever heard any politician say. Correct me if I'm

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wrong s a pygmy a black mythet? midget No, not quite. It's a tribe

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that are all very short. Pygmies are a tribe. OK. They are migets. -

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- midgets. I think that's a word that we are going to have to let go.

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They haven't got rid of midget gems yet. How many people agree with

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Cameron? Anyone think he did the wrong thing? There are more pandas

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in Scotland than there are Tory MPs. I think Tory MPs are slightly

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cheaper! I don't think I've ever said that before. Did you see Prime

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Minister's questions this week? A very rare thing happened. There

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was quite a good joke in the House of Commons and it was done by David

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Cameron. Did you see this? Ed Miliband said something about the

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fact that Cameron and Clegg weren't getting on and Cameron said, "Don't

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believe everything you read in the papers. It's not that bad. It's not

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as if we're brothers or anything." Ed looked like a bullied schoolboy.

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It was terrible, but then, and this is why Cameron isn't a professional

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comedian, he turned to the other Tories and said, "Well, he walked

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right into that one." I thought, you don't do that. He's just ruined

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it. He's killed it now. Let it go. No point coaching these people. Is

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there anyone who likes the idea of being European? Lady right there.

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You are proud to be European? would rather be European than

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British. Oohhhh! I'm happy - That's upsetting. People get weird about

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that. It's a bit of a touchy subject, the old British thing. We

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want you to stay, we in England. They are looking at you like, "You

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know what you did." APPLAUSE

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Does anyone else have any thoughts on the whole English thing, because

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I'm interested in it? What about that man there with the raised

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hand? We are just a bit sick of the arrogance, that the English showed

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towards the rest of Britain. Particularly football.

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APPLAUSE I mean, any time England plays all

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we hear, 1966. It was over 40kwhreerz -- 40 years ago. Get

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over it, you'll never win it again. APPLAUSE

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Well, I could say the same about Banockburn Wait for it. He walked

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right into that one! Is there anyone here who is pro-English?

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Anyone who is Scottish? What about the man, I'm calling it a tartan

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shirt? I worked in England for about 20 years and my wife here is

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English, - and I made him put his hands up. We are still bullying

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them now. Reg, the Americans are not exactly much loved across the

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globe? No there are lots of Americans who are assholes. British

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folk say to me, "30% of Americans have a passport." They say it with

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a tone of... You better be glad. If you let them know there are other

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places go outside of America! have something of - can I have a

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quick show of hands. How many people are in favour of Scottish

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independence? Not that many. I thought it was quite popular. No,

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OK. Well, we have an interesting man here who has experienced

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independence in the extreme form. We have Prince Michael of Sealand

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in the audience. Prince Michael. Hello. It's nice to see you.

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too. You are from Seeland. I suspect many of us won't know what

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that is, or where it is. Can you enlighten us? It's a small war-time

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fortress in the North Sea that my father declared independence on in

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the 60s. He lived on this place and declared it a principality? Yeah,

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indeed. We have some footage of Seeland to give an idea of what it

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is like. There it is. It's not the dream island. No, I few palm trees

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would be nice. You lived there for how long? Years and years. What was

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it liking living on Seeland? It doesn't look like you have got a

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lot space. There's quite a lot of space. Those two towers that you

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look at have rooms right down to the level of the seabed. Quie a lot

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of space. I -- quite a lot of space. I bet you lost a few footballs?

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did. We have a picture of your dad diclairg independence. That is him

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and some of his -- declaring independence. That is him and some

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of his mates. That's me on the left. You have got your own flag. Joirbgs

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stamps and coins. When your dad -- Stamps and coins. When your dad

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claims this, did not someone from the Navy say, "It belongs to us?

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."? It was in international waters, but the British Government

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considered us like a Cuba off the coast. It's seven-and-a-half miles

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off the coast. I bet it's lovely and quiet? No neighbours to annoy.

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You say that. Look at this picture. You don't want a house on the main

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road! It's an amazing story. This is your son. My son, James. Your

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Prince Michael and so what it your title? I'm a prince. Are you

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running out of ideas, Michael? OK. So what else have you got? Other

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people, kings? We issue titles. We have noble people, Lords and ladies

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and barons and we would like to make you a Lord of Seeland if you

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would accept. APPLAUSE

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What happens? I'm on my way. APPLAUSE

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Thank you so much. That's brilliant. That's fantastic. Thank you very

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much. Cheers. Brilliant. I am actually now officially a Lord. Can

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I sit in the House of Lords with that? The Sealand House of Lords.

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OK! I bet there's a lock on the door, isn't there? Look, as we are

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up in Scotland, I thought I would take advantage of that to talk

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about an event which I have always associated with Scotland since I

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was a child. That is new year. Would most people in here say that

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new year is a bigger deal than Christmas? All all yes. If you are

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a family gentleman then Christmas should be more important, but if

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you are single you can embrace the drink culture and the rest of the

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world will embrace it with you. It's only the time it's socially

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accepted. I have to disagree. When I was a heavy drinker I hated New

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Year's Eve. There are all the part- time drinkers blocking the path.

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The most tragic new year... The most tragic new year, I spent in on

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my own and for my own amusement at midnight I performed a sexual act

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which I combined with the Auld Lang Sayne. Now, whenever I do it I

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think back to that. I wore marigolds. I would recommend it, if

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you are alone this new year. Is anyone here planning to make a new

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year's resolution and they've decided? What about this guy here

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with the very Scottish T-shirt? Last year's resolution, which was

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to try to get on telly. APPLAUSE

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Congratulations. Thank you very much. It's much easier than giving

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up smoking, isn't it? Any other new year's resolutions? That lady with

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the specticals? We are both saving up to get married, so the

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resolution is to put as much money away as possible, so if anyone

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wants to chip in, feel free. What kind of thing will you sacrifice?

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Food. Heating. Anything. Everything. Do you not worry that when you take

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all the luxuries out of your life you may grow to loath each other?

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Are you saving the money to have the wedding or saving the money so

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once you all get married you can take your first year off or

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something like that The big day, the big dress. How much roughly

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will that cost? 18,027! That sounds to me that is more one person's

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dream! You look perfectly matched. You are both dressed the same. You

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look like Eastern European puppet eers. Is there anyone here who has

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got what we used to call in the old days, a party piece? I've got one.

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I can do a horn noise. Are you ready?

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APPLAUSE I have to do the hand. I can't do

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it without the hand. Any other party pieces? That man there in the

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checked shirt. I can make a tea towel into a chicken. I love that.

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What did he say? Something about a chicken! Oh, no. Surely not? A tea

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towel. I can make it into a chicken. Well, I would love to see that.

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While we get the tea towel, I would like to show you I think perhaps

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the greatest party piece of all time. I've shown several clips this

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series, but this is my favourite of all. This is a man called Cecil who

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has a fabulous party piece, but I think he's a kind of a party piece

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in himself. In the year of 1914 in the month of February I was coming

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home from school and my hands got very cold and I had no mittens. I

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began to bring them together and that wouldn't do, so I began

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squeezing them and I was surprised to think I could make a few

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different sounds. Then I played every day and pretty soon I could

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play tunes. Pretty soon I could play Yankee Doodle.

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APPLAUSE Feeling home-sick, Reg? Actually,

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:23:52.:24:12.

I'm feeling a burst of pride. This weekend is the final of

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Strictly Come Dancing. Do you watch Strictly Come Dancing, Rth? Never

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seen it. Are -- Reg? Never seen it. Are you aware of what it is? Yes,

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it gives a man and a woman who are not mairdary a chance to touch --

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married a chance to get to touch each other without anyone getting

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upset. It is harmless ar battic touching. Do you dance -- acrobatic

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touching. Do you dance? I try to dance with my arms in the air

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because that's the best way my boobs look, because they are up

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higher. The best dance for your boobs is Auld Lang Sayne. You just

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rest them on a shelve. I have to say, I really struggle with it. If

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I get on a dancefloor, it could be at a wedding or elsewhere, I get

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incredibly self-conscious. I can barely move. When we used to go to

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discos when I was 18 or 19, all the girls had a little signal that we

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do to each other, if there was a bloke in his 50s in a Noel Edmonds'

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jumper, going behind you. You had to do something like that and they

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would swoop in. I am suggesting that maybe they are looking at you.

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Were you wearing a Noel Edmonds' jumper? I thought there was a knits

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epidemic. I love that bit when Tom Jones, when he does Kiss, "Think I

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better dance now." Then he doesn't really. They always looks like

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somebody has shot a bear with a knock-out dart, then while he was

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knocked out they put clothes on it and he is trying to get them off.

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That's just my view. We have a man in the audience, Dr Peter lovet. --

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Lovett. Would it be true to say that you are the Lord of the dance?

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No. Well, maybe. I'm a dance psychologist. I study the

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psychology and science of dance. Can you tell me why do I get

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incredibly self-conscious when I dance? Well, we have looked at

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dancing of about 14,000 people from right across the age range from 13

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to 76, from men and women and we find dance confidence changes as

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the function of your age and gender. You are probably very self-

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conscious because you know that people are watching you. The reason

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you are self-conscious about that, is because the way you dance is

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influenced by your genetic make-up and people can see that when you

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dance. You mean I'm sort of putting my sexuality in the shop window?

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Yeah, we all do whenever we dance. They say the secret of happiness is

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to be able to dance like there's no-one watching. I've never managed

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to do that. There are lots of things we could work on with you to

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kind of get rid of that. One of those is to stop you thinking. You

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need to get rid of that thought process and make your body move and

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wiggle a little bit. It's a lot more fun that -- than doing the

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Auld Lang Sayne on your own! APPLAUSE

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I believe the idea is that as you get older you care less about what

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people think about you, so you dance with great fee Dom? We know

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that men over the age of 65 are the most confident dancers of all men

:27:45.:27:51.

across their whole lifespan. glad you said that. This is a bloke

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called Sweet Fred. This is a Shania Twain gig. She calls up this little

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old guy out of the audience and asks him if he wants to dance, but

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he's a bit deaf and he says, "I can't sing." Bless him. Then he

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gets into the groove. # Don't freak out until the you

:28:30.:28:37.

know the facts, relax... # He doesn't give a shit. So, thanks to

:28:37.:28:41.

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