Episode 1 Frankie Boyle's New World Order

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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.


Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Frankie Boyle!


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello! Hello and welcome to this


election night New World Order Special. I should say that the polls


haven't closed at the point of filming. We haven't seen an exit


poll. We don't know what's going to happen but I suspect the Tories are


going to win... It's been such a long election campaign, I don't


think that they should show election night coverage but Die Hard on each


Channel. Show Die Hard and dub over the occasional surprising result.


John McLean, Labour have lost Norwich South. It's been a chaotic


election for the Conservative Parties. Starting with the NHS


computer system going down but the good news is, I'm HIV negative


again, ladies. The Tory manifesto with some incredibly unpopular


policies, if you get dementia, you could lose your house. That is the


most terrible policy. For pensioners it's like putting VAT on racism. And


pensioners won't aqueous into a Conservative Government, they will


vote for it. These people will crawl along the pavement to vote


themselves out of their own house! Theresa May has looked incredibly


uncomfortable. She always looks like she is about to cough up a pellet


but rest assured no matter how uncomfortable in the election, the


victory parade will be like Mad Max Fury Road. Jeremy Corbyn has not


done so well in Scotland. Scottish people don't trust anyone who looks


old but still has teeth! I think it's going to be sad watching Corbyn


getting beaten, not like watching Ed Miliband lose. More like watching


Aslan dying in the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. The perfect result


for me is if Jeremy Corbyn get enough seats to fill in the election


and then Sinn Fein have to take those seats. You may not think I


don't have enough votes to pass the Budget but, ladies and gentlemen,


the IRA! The Queen's speech is written by the IRA and she has to


deliver it through a balaclava! Ukip have tried to reposition themselves.


They got what they wanted. They got out of the EU. Nobody cares about


the other positions. Like hearing Isis' position on wheelie bins. Ukip


are worried about low skilled migrant workers, they don't want low


skilled migrants coming to Britain. Wait until after Brexit, the British


people living in Europe who is to come back here. Wait until you see


what they are bringing to the table! My skills include being able to ask


for the bill in Spanish. And armed robbery! Tim Farron's a trendy vicar


character, isn't he? OK, everybody let's meet at the youth club


tomorrow, we're having a workshop on how to act normal around gays.


Tim Farron said he didn't think gay sex was a sin. He had to say that,


he was being asked about it every day. It was getting to the stage


when he was to be asked about specific acts of gay sex: The Daily


Express, Mr Farron, what are your views on rimming? Felching, farron?


The public want answers! OK! Let's get on with the show! So, here's how


the show works, I give an opinion about the news, we decide if I'm


right or wrong. Joining me to discuss the issues, please welcome,


Sara Pascoe and Miles -- good to see you both. Enjoying the election? I


feel sick. My granddad died last week, so I had to spend time with my


family... What is awful, it was that an old person would die, you said


they had good innings, and when a younger person died it is sadder.


Now when an older person dies it is worse as they don't see the Brexit


they wanted so desperately. Miles, is this the last moment of


hope? This election or this?! What we're doing now?! This moment in the


show! I think it could be. Labour Party supporters have been swept


along by optimism in the last two weeks. If it doesn't go their way,


there will be heartbreak, I suppose. Whereas if the Conservatives win


they will be gleeful and they will not have costed it but smashing hope


is one of their manifesto policies. So either way, that will happen.


OK! So I'll make two propositions based on the election, first, the


political system hates us. Joining us to discuss all of this please


welcome playwright, Lucy Prebble. Lucy, you look like you might have


hope. Do you still have hope? Oh, no. No. I'm suffering from


democratic fatigue. The democracy is making he understand the rise of


fascism, a little. If we are to have right-wing authoritarians in charge,


I would rather it imposed on us a bit, rather than knowing that


everyone had voted for it. For the old people that voted in the


election, this is the last opportunity to vote. For the young


who voted this will be the last opportunity to vote.


Politics is a sort of class warfare. The political class engaged in arms


deals, profit yearing and corruption, against the public that


are not able to understand this. And Theresa May, the first in


history not to get the trains to run on time. She is an authoritarian at


heart. This is the key. Why she wants rid of the human rights


legislation, why she wants in the surveillance bill. That is the key


to her permanently appalled expression, like she has just seen


my internet history. So the election focussed on the leaders rather than


the parties. Theresa May became an MP in 1997 a few weeks after the


death by shooting of the notorious BIG. Some comfort to the family of


Biggie that he never knew that Theresa May existed.


Throughout the campaign, Theresa May managed her terrible public image,


here she is stumbling and buying time whilst thinking of an answer


that will do her career the last amount of damage.


What's the naughtest thing you ever did Goodness me. Gosh, do you know


I'm not quite sure. There must have been a moment. Well,


nobody is perfectly behaved. I have to confess, when me and my friends


used to run through the fields of wheat, the farmers weren't too


pleased about that! If you are going to answer that question, just say


the real worst thing you've ever done. I killed a tramp with hammer!


What of it?! I think that is what is so great about asking that question.


A normal person would say that they cheated at Monopoly, she is think


being how she wants to ban human rights, or selling arms to the


Saudis, I know, I will talk about Peter Rabbit.


I think she is trying to conjure up an idea of Britain from the past


that is rural, idyllic. That is what it is about.


She feels empathy but only for the wheat.


She loves repeating little phrases, strong and stable and the other one


is the coalition of chaos that came up in the debate. You think, OK, so


she's saying if you elect anyone else there will be a coalition of


chaos. It sounds amazing. Like a Marvel film you want to see. That


sort of thing, most people engage with politics for a brief way,


myself included, so those phrases work well. Winston Churchill used to


say, we will fight them on the beaches but once it made sense.


All the other times, shall we give back the Elgin Marbles... We'll


fight them on the beeches! Some of the dreams that Martin Luther King


have told were disgusting. My father was naked and riding on


the back of a lab door. She panics halfway through a sentence. She is


not good suppressing what she thinks. You can see the fear in her


eyes or sometimes thinking that the correct thing to do when being


criticised is to laugh. And then see has one of these things, so, strong


and stable... Coalition of chaos or us?! A bunch of BAssards?! Many


politicians found themselves hounded by the same question over and over


again, here is Jeremy Corbyn refusing to answer an incredibly


persistent audience. Would you allow North Korea or some


idiot in Iran to bomb us and then say, oh, we better start talking.


You would be too late. Of course not. Of course I would not do that.


. You would allow them to do it? Of course not. That is why I made the


point a short time ago about the need for President Obama's agreement


with Iran to be upheld it is important, actually. And also to


promote disarmament in North Korea. That is difficult I appreciate.


Impossible. Impossible. You up there? You are asking a


massive wish with one of the biggest Arsenals by your side. I would


rather have it and not use it in today's age? You want to comment on


that? No. It was a frustrating show, that. The


people of York were obsessed with having an nuclear exchange with


Iran, which does not have nuclear weapons. I was proud of him for


sticking to his guns but he could have gone, I would use Trident and


then just winked. And when they said did you wink there, he would have


gone, "no". Of course not! I have sympathy for the men in that


audience who key. With Jeremy Corbyn, he does want you to know


that he has such integrity. I do think that is the problem with him.


That people think he is putting his sense of integrity above national


security. He could just lie. Or we could go, we don't know. Anything


could happen. Aliens come, we have to fire it into space, so he doesn't


know but he wants to impose his morality.


I think they should keep Trident but not output date it. What is more


threatening than a rusty nuke? This is not a session guided thing, we


have pulled this from the shed. It may go off at face height. It's a


bank holiday and we've been drinking! But the British people are


obsessed with this. If you remember one of the first things Theresa May


did as a Prime Minister, she stood up in the House of Commons and said


that thing that she was prepared to kill 100,000 men, women and children


if need's be. Maybe the question was about school lunches... She was


trying to get sponsored for Comic Relief! Whatever you think about the


Lib Dem leader, Tim Farron, you cannot say he did not embrace the


election foow a even when desperate or awed. Let's look at the


highlights. Drifting along aimlessly, not making


impression on the ground... On a bus powered by shame... He has a key


skill for a top politicians, to be able to bake tarts... We are getting


you to do speed chess and answer the questions? Not well.


No-one will judge you on that! Is this about Brexit? Look at that.


Oh, you are check mate! I'm good at pop quizzes!


APPLAUSE The lady on the buses in a rear


facing seat. I'd no idea where where going! All I can see is the chaos


and havoc we leave behind. He doesn't seem like he wants to win


the election, he seems like he wants to get all of his Cub Scout badges.


Grafting, the badge for saying gay sex is a sin, saying it isn't a


thin. All of the badges. Like the Duke of Edinburgh award. It's


probably why the Duke of Edinburgh retired, so he didn't have to meet


the locker. Here's some unrelenting footage of Jeremy Hunt on a hospital


visit. reporter-macro: How does it feel,


all of those people dying because of your actions? You are closing our


hospital. How have you got the cheek to come here, when you are closing


our hospital? I think the names they call you are right, Mr Hunt. The


name is clearly this spells. -- misspelled. Let's hope you never


need an A, Mr Hunt. Any other person in the world, I'd help with




I'd like to think that was the voice of his conscience. He was in


hospital, having it removed. He was pretending to be normal, that thing


off like, you just keep chatting and you try and keep that demean up, but


then I thought maybe he just thinks that's what the world is like, maybe


he thinks that everywhere, a bit like wherever the Queen goes she


thinks it smells of fresh paint, baby Jeremy Hunt thinks everyone in


the world walks around saying, Cuenca. This new thing people are


saying, resign, ... I think it's the last election campaign whether


politicians will even go and campaign. I think it will be like


digital avatars in the next election. They'll send a digital


avatar around the country and dub over the occasional local reference.


It's a pleasure to be here in Doncaster. I sympathise with your


local concerns about unemployment. I enjoy your local cuisine of pie and


chips. And methadone. OK, so in conclusion, the political system may


hate is more than we hate it, but let's look on the bright side. We


need to take a moment to forget politics, look into our partner's


eyes and take solace, take solace from the fact that the daily bases


we managed to suppress the hate we have for the person we have two


spent the rest of our lives with. We hate the way they laughed, the way


they blink, the way they eat, the way they sleep, the way they breeze,


the way they exist. And if we can live with that hate, day in, day


out, how hard can it be to stifle the hate we have for our political


system. So, chin up, everybody. Thanks to Lucy Prebble.


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK come the next proposition. The


media is a huge obstacle to meaningful democracy. Joining us to


discuss this, please welcome Mr Nish Kumar.


APPLAUSE How are you doing, Nish? Have you


been following this election? I'm having the best time of my life,


Frankie. I love elections. I hope we have one every year, which I think


we will. This is what we do at this time of year, indirect, Brexit,


election, indirect and the Temple of doom. It will keep on rolling. I


like your positivity, mass Rob -- Nish. Yes, I'm here to be a ray of


sunshine, democracy! Elections are an exchange of rhetorical artillery


and the lack of engagement from voters is something the media is


implicit in. Theresa May can be interviewed by Paxman in the week of


the Manchester on and not be asked about how he got to Libya, while she


was Home Secretary. Instead, we got questions about bombs and Yemen. The


media is complicit about the whole thing, from cropping shots to


printing coverage which is sometimes little more than a party press


release. This is what we've been talking about the whole kind of


catchphrase nature of the election. Saying strong and stable all the


time isn't a strong and stable thing to do. If someone just had the words


strong and stable as their tinder bio, that someone who is teetering


on the verge of a nervous breakdown. That's someone who will hide a rifle


in a stationary cupboard and face a disciplinary at work. That somebody


who's dropped back carpets fat cash converter, because they need money


to buy heroin for their dog. As they are cooking up shot for the baffled


labrador, they see their own face reflected in the spoon and it's


mouthing the words, strong and stable. With the support of the


entire media, how could Theresa May have lost this election? Theresa May


could have taken a shit on the Cenotaph through a wreath of poppies


and then dragged her arse like a dog with worms down the length of Pall


mall and the worst that could have happened is she'd have to form a


coalition. LAUGHTER


Nish, do you find this? The campaign coverage, I find it very false and


stultifying. Yes, it feels like more than ever the media has not... It's


been very passive, it's been observing the process rather than


interrogating, and then we have this kind of spectacle of these debates


that weren't really debates, because they weren't in the same room, and


it was quite a hollow experience. It's a bit like watching a porn


movie where instead of Tube people having sex, they just stand in


separate rooms and masturbate consecutively. At the end I've still


got an erection but nothing has really been saltier. It's like you


need to come convey more convexity, you have messages like coalition of


chaos, strong and stable, and it's not as simple as that and give


people a more informed view, but the minute you do that you are in a


medium where it's impossible to go, well, it's more sophisticated than


that because you have it to cut straight to the next one. I don't


think people want that much information. Most people just want


to grab a couple of things and talk about them angrily after a large


white wine. Everyone in my family is Tory. The reasons are interesting.


My sister, I said to her about the cuts on things that are happening,


in terms of the rape crisis centres that don't have funding anymore,


women's refuges don't have funding, and she said actually 75% of the


women in those refugees are pretending their boyfriends are


hitting them so they have a second place to live. That is what happens


if you don't fund education. She's a teacher!


LAUGHTER Who's having a second home in a rape


shelter? Maybe it's near a beach. During the campaign the media


accidentally gave an insight into its true priorities. Take a look at


Nicola Sturgeon being interviewed by Sky News. Whilst you can blame the


Conservatives, why not raise taxation of the most rich? As you


just indicated. I'm sorry to interrupt you, we have to interrupt,


Theresa May has started speaking. Perhaps you can hang on for us and


we can get your reaction. I'm taking nothing for granted. I'm going to be


continuing to campaign across the whole of the country.


APPLAUSE That's the whole media thing for me,


it's all about symbolism. He's gone from an actual conversation took a


symbolic event, where Theresa May has stood outside a bus. There's


nobody even there, so this just photographers. They are in a lay-by


somewhere. She's shouting nothing into a hedge and you've cut away to


do it. You can watch what happens at the end of the shot. They could


easily lead in a coalition of chaos led by Jeremy Corbyn, she said was a


real possibility. They must take anything for granted. She urged


people to vote for her and her team, and a vote for her and her team is a


vote for economic security. I wish they'd carried on filming, behind


the bus was a wheat field. Happy as Larry. The peak of Cosa Nostra


between politicians in the campaign was this embarrassing appearance by


Theresa May and Philip on the one show. When you've experienced so


much of each other's lives, you were when you were young, you must feel


like you are almost one, as opposed individuals? Yes, I suppose... We


are still individuals, we know each other really well. It's sort of like


they don't understand normal conversations. When he goes, it's


sort of like you are one person, it's like, how does the human know?


I like the way they chorus, we are individuals. He's an electoral


asset. You know when you see a baby bird that's fallen out of the nest,


you need to stamp on it before a cat gets it?


LAUGHTER You don't have to! I didn't hate


them in this interview, but I did hate the stuff about the boy jobs


and girl jobs, the idea that a woman can't take the bins out and as a


woman who lives alone in a house full of rubbish... Will someone come


and take my bins out? The thing is, the one show, that's the format of


it but it was more of a problem that certain newspapers and places you


expect some actual analysis to happen had such a unquestioning view


of Theresa May. The Daily Mail described her as like finally a


Prime Minister who will be honest, but she lied about the fact there


was going to be an election and she campaigned for Remain and now she's


pushing for a Brexit so aggressive that Pret a Manger will have to


change its name to Lunch, in it? Of all the things you could praise her


for, honesty is baffling. Most of that interview is them talking about


going for a walking holiday in Snowdonia. I think possibly they go


there because she mates with a tethered dragon. It's at the top of


Snowdonia. Suddenly needs to say it. Maybe when you see her uncomfortable


in interviews, someone is attacking the dragon. Her soul is in the


Dragon and she's trying... Or run through fields of wheat, but really,


she's thinking, save the Dragon. I'd love it if you'd been in the


audience for one of the leader's debate, they'd be like, this is all


very well, what's happening with the Dragon? In North Korea, attacked by


a dragon... What would you do then, Mr Corbyn? Would you protect our


Dragon? Anyway, it's important candidates catch voters' attention.


Here's one Conservative candidate's creative method of getting there


across with a shifting gear towards the end. -- getting their message


across. hello, I'm the Conservative candidate in East Yorkshire. There's


a general election on the 8th of June and I hope if you live in East


Yorkshire that you will vote for me. When you vote in an election, you


are doing two things. You are choosing who is your local


representatives, but you are also choosing a Prime Minister. I hope


you vote for me and support Theresa May. We want a strong and stable


government, not a coalition of chaos led by Jeremy Corbyn. # you get


accountability with Conservative delivery


# Make sure this time you get it right


# Vote for Greg Knight #. APPLAUSE


What were the words of the song? Was the first word, cutting disability?


It's hard not to watch that and understand those mothers in the


1950s who looked at Elvis and saw him as such a threat to their


daughters. That guy, he's just locking sex!


LAUGHTER I think it's dangerous. I think what


he's doing there is provocative and deliberately provocative. He could


start and he'd be there but, oh, who's going to come in the office? I


don't know who is going to be. It's Greg Knight, it's Greg Knight.


That's a surprise. Other DHS made of that and sent to every young person


in the constituency. The media are allowed to be properly difficult


with major parties and far right wing nuts. Have a look when Ukip's


Paul Nuttall said he was standing in a town he had no prior links to.


We're going to do a little game to test how well you know the see


you're going to stand in. Boston, or Lost in. Look at the picture on the


screen and say whether it's a picture of Boston, or somewhere else


in the country. Here's the first one. What do you reckon? Boston, or


not? Boston. Is that correct? Sorry,


that's Aylesbury town centre. What about the next one. Are you looking


at Boston or another place in the country? I would say Boston.


I'm sorry that's not Bostonment Hang on, Sophie... How about this one?


That is Boston. That is Boston, correct! At least


there is a critical appraisal of the leader of the UK Independence Party.


If that was Farage it would have been a picture of you being a


complete legend or a partial legend. They had a boner for him for years.


Anyway, I have certain opinions about Ukip and they have certain


opinions about me! The ideal would be if you did something relevant


like Farage on there and deport, or not. And there may abtan but who


cares! I will host that game show. There is an unnecessary item. If it


was an item on town centres, that would be a different approach but it


was just a waste of everyone's locking time.


Media may be an obstacle to democracy but not an insurmountable


one. I can promise you with will change, that your children will have


a brighter future. I can promise you this as they are meaningless. Anyone


can say promises, because the days of being held to account for a


promise are over. This is now how it is going to be. I mean this, look at


it, what a locking mess. Your children's futures are locked. But I


promise you this, I do not care about you or your children's future,


that is a promise you can believe. And that's the end of the show!


Thanks to my guests, Sara Pascoe, Miles Jupp and Kumar. But before I


go, I want to leave you with some words. Tonight in the style of Ukip


leader, Paul Nuttall, in what I hope will be an uncannily accurate


impression. Hi, Paul Nuttall from Ukip. To many


of you I probably look like at some point in life have had to pull a


dangerous dog off my mum... You've made an inat that point value


judgment about me because my neck is the same width theth as my head and


I look like I could give unsolice ted advice at the fruit machine.


Most of the failed politicians from the election will end up with a


directorship. Not me. In six weeks' time, I'll be breeding staffies and


driving a coach. Of course people say I look like a male model,


fronting a campaign, urging women not to leave their drinks


unattended. And yet, my father was actually a


south American magic realist novelist. It was a tricky upbringing


in many ways. I'd ask him to go to a friend's birthday party and he would


digress about a pirate who fell in love with a seal. Dad never stopped


talking, other than at my bedtime story which he always read silently


to himself. Of course, I rebelled. I created my own fantasy life to rival


my father's, perhaps I wanted to stand for something simple. To stand


up for the sort of people who put a big St George's flag in their garden


during a football championship and never take it down. Until it gets so


dirty from petrol fumes that it looks like they support Isis. When


the general election was called, I called my father in excitement but


he was subdued. Paul, he said, he had something to tell me. In his


foreign accent. That I was not a real man but a character in a story


he was writing. Conceived on ironic comedy on British masculinity.


He said there was nothing more thoroughly British than going on


holiday and come back with a damaged vagina.


I started to worry that I was indeed simply some kind of racist


Pinocchio. So am I real or not? Who knows? I have the strangest dreams


sometimes. Sometimes, I dream I'm a teenager who's suffocating in a


shipping container, I feel complete empathy, a oneness with the


universe. I fight that feeling with everything I've got. I wake up and


with a full English breakfast and some strong aftershave, I'll feel as


real as I ever need to. Good night, everybody.


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