Episode 2 Frankie Boyle's New World Order

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Frankie Boyle. APPLAUSE

Hello! It's amazing to think that's the best election result that we

could have hoped for. The Conservatives forming a coalition

with the political wing of the old Testament. The Democratic Unionist.

Always worry when I see that word "Democratic". It's like Democratic

Republic of North Korea. What's that about? It's like calling yourself a

non-rapist hypnotist. Theresa May can't really say that she's got a

mandate any more. Because if the DUP hear the word mandate, they start

screaming about sodomy. Interesting to see what policies get through the

Queen's speech. "This Year, Gay pride should be named Gay shame." If

the Conservatives separate from Scotland, they are going to feel

great regret that they can't sell them weapons. I've never seen the

link between homophobia and oranges. I'm not saying that the Orange walk

is gay. If I was trying to prove that I wasn't gay, that's not how

I'd personally go about it. Who are you calling gay? Fetch me my

majorette stick and my ribbon. I'm about to perform a routine that will

leave you looking rather foolish. The favourite now to be Prime

Minister is Boris Johnson. A cross between a head injury and an unmade

bed. A bouncy castle with Alzheimer's. Not just he's the worst

person for the job, he might be the worst mammal! Lets get on with the

show. Joining me to discuss the big topics, Sara Pascoe and Katherine

Ryan. Have you been following the whole

coalition, government... ? I stopped following the news. I've got a

WhatsApp group called people I agree with. Instead of a newspaper I'm

getting a self published magazine about my Bevan. I love it. Welcome

back, Katherine. You were in America for the election. I told them it's

very simple. In their election, the winner lost. Here in the UK, the

winner sort of one but lost the majority but the loser feels like

they warn. Only the country that brought you cricket could renew an

election where nobody wins. It seems incredibly compensated for

Americans. Important to remember that they don't care about us. Trump

has postponed his visit. He won't come here but he was in Saudi Arabia

dancing with the people that did 911. Anyway, tonight I'll be making

two propositions to discuss. First,...

Joining us to discuss all the fallout from the election, please

welcome Rob Delaney and data editor of the Guardian US, Mona Chalaby.

Have you been following Theresa May's emotional breakdown on several

levels? Absolutely. I'm delighted. It's really great. She said she

would quit if she lost six MPs. She lost twice that plus one. And she's

still there. We'll see. She's sort of there. For the moment. Because it

wasn't six. Good point. Labour overshot. Mona, are you enjoying it?

It's been very uncomfortable viewing. I'm not sure I completely

agree with the statement. She increased her vote share since 2015.

It went up from 37% to 42%. She got hugely more votes. The thing to keep

in mind is Conservatives have done somewhat well on some measures and

they have screwed up votes from Ukip and the SNP. They increased their

number of seats in Scotland from one to 13. It's quite remarkable. It's

horrifying. It's not like Scotland to self harm in any way. The speed

it's changed is amazing. Ukip got 13% just two years ago. Now they got

2%. They are the Lord bucket head of racism. Nobody doubts that if

Theresa May had one a majority, she would have torn up human rights

while rising slowly into the air like Magneto. She didn't. Now she

looks like a cat that knows it's dying. The only difference between

her and someone on a psychiatric ward who thinks they are Prime

Minister is a salary. Every marginal that she visited, she lost. She is

like patient zero of an anti-Tory virus. This week when she should

have been preparing for Brexit negotiations, she has literally sat

in a room with the DUP listening to someone say," answer the question of

juggling on the Sabas." Boris Johnson tried to avoid the

opposition during the election. But he was finally cornered in this

excruciating moment. It's important that people focus on the... Long

time no see, will you go head-to-head with me Boris? I'm

being heckled by some Labour MP. Andrew Quinn. If you want to come

and join me, you big girl 's blouse. Are we leaving the customs union?

Boris, I'm sorry to say... I like it. He took a man and tried to throw

him down. It's like a physical manifestation of his policies which

are like lock off to the ground! It is unsanctioned to judo. He's having

fun because he thinks he's having a shot. Some people defending Theresa

May, you just want a mercy kill them, trying to defend her. You can

tell they are having diarrhoea as they speak to the camera. Good on

him. He's having a nice time because none of this can hurt him. It's a

privilege position. Also, he's used to abuse from private school. I

imagine he's from the kind of family where he comes home at Christmas and

he has to put his name down for hug, or something. I met Boris Johnson's

dad. He was really nice to me. At the end of the record, he said well

done. Now, is this your real job? Do you have a job that you do in the

daytime? It's because he's used to hanging out with hookers. I have to

say, for legal reasons, that is not the case. To the best of our

knowledge. After Sunday's reshuffle, made's cabinet looks largely

unchanged apart from one unexpected addition. Look how Michael Gove

couldn't hide his joy at being welcomed back into government. I was

quite surprised. I was down in Surrey and join the afternoon with a

friend when the phone rang and there was an invitation to go to number

ten Downing St. Of course, I knew that today it was reshuffle day. I

didn't expect this role. I am delighted to be part of the

government and supporting Theresa May. I like the idea that he was

surprised when his phone rang because he was with his only friend.

Do you think a telephone in history has ever been answered faster? Yes!

He's kind of like their thing. They have two appeal to the youth vote

that they have lost. They've got Michael Gove back. Because he

appears in children's nightmares? Mona, you've been looking at stats

to do with the election. As appallingly as Theresa May did, she

did surprisingly well in some respects. There is some research to

say that women are believed less than men when they say the same

thing. They are three times more likely to use the phrase "I think."

If you want to be believed, you need to say something like a man told me

that I want a sandwich. Moving on. With Theresa May failing to gain a

majority, she had no choice but to prop up her government with the help

of the Democratic Unionist Party. They have colourful history. Look at

this alarming footage from a 1985 documentary of the recently

re-elected Gregory Campbell. It's coming around to the band season

again! There is one thing that Republicans don't like. I don't like

it in this city. That is Protestant marching for their rights and for

all that they hold dear! I have no doubt that in that type of situation

I would be out on the streets with the people. With arms? Yes, with

arms. He was just elected an MP. I have listened to my own stand-up

while loading a gun but for different reasons. I can sort of

relate to him. I like that the documentary man came in and said

we'll get some shots of you before the speech. Shall I do some admin?

Many conservatives try to avoid discussing the DUP in the aftermath

of May's deal. It is how windswept Ruth Davidson tackled the issue. I

spoke of the categoric assurance that talking with the DUP would not

result in any rollback of LGBT T GI rights. Also that we would use our

influence to advance LGBT rights in Northern Ireland. That's gay self

defence that they teach you when you're very young. Here the words

Ian Paisley and run! Ruth Davidson is the secret weapon. She is a

working-class Tory woman. It is a diversity home wrong. It is not so

much of an achievement to appeal to hatred and division in Scotland.

Headline from the Belfast Telegraph. That was the guy loading the gun. He

is worried about people coming from hell. The one time he used one, his

dead grandmother told him he was an ass hole. And she wasn't even dead.

How are they getting policies from 1000 years ago if they are not

communicating with the dead? Theresa May was not alone in calculating the

outcome of the election. Everyone got it wrong. Well, I say everyone.

When Theresa May called the election on the 18th, I wrote a prediction on

a piece of paper and sealed it in an envelope. This is that envelope.

Mona, would you open this envelope and read what I wrote. Read out for

us, please. OK. It says James Gordon is a prick.

Sorry about that James. If you're watching, I think I sent you the

wrong letter. LAUGHTER

OK. Onto the next proposition. Which is this.

Of course, Trump is a real disaster for everybody on earth. He's pulled

out of the Paris climate deal, probably because he decided he

doesn't care about what the climate is like in Paris. He is stepped up

drone strikes, appointed a climate change denier as head of the

Environmental Protection Agency, and nullified a bill blocking sales of

guns. The world has a clear enemy. We have a clear message to set aside

our differences and work together, if America had elected the Daleks.

Say what you like about Donald Trump, but he's done things people

said were impossible, like make Twitter worse. I always think Trump

speaks a bit like a husband who lost control of the domestic finances. In

the week before he hangs himself. It's really successful business

today. Business meeting, it was really successful. Really, because

Diane said she saw you down the park. Did I park meeting, yeah. Some

really successful park business. APPLAUSE

Rob, do you have any feelings about whether Trump could save the world?

Yes, I think he will. You've got some Scottish teenager is going to

campaign so hard for Corbyn that he'll become the Prime Minister I

think by October 15 and the US will see the left Populus can win the UK

and will wipe out the GOP Congress in 2018, nether world will be saved

saved. APPLAUSE

One of Trump's proudest moments of his presidency was setting the

repeal of Obamacare in motion. His celebrating surrounded by prominent

Republicans. There we go, the cast of Prostate Cancer, the musical. Of

course, many Americans don't share Trump's views on Obamacare. Watch

how one Republican congressman learned that the hard way, in this

convert is footage. Heckle at a town meeting like that

and have it not absorbed as brainstorming. Corpses for the wall.

Can I say how many corpses it is? 45,000 Americans each year die

directly as a result of not having health insurance. It's important to

say these numbers because we are going in a similar direction. It

doesn't make any sense. If you look at the way every constituency voted,

constituencies where there is a bigger percentage of people in poor

health voted Tory. But they just want to die. Wrecking the NHS, I

want out of this. Trump makes a lot of gaffes but take a look at him

failing to understand what a metaphor is, something he does a

lot. George W Bush said the reason the Oval Office is round is there

are no corners to hide in. There is truth to that. There is nobody out

there. There is an openness but I've never seen anybody out there,

actually, as you can imagine. What he meant was it all comes back to

you. Sure, it does, I think that is true anyway, but it does.

APPLAUSE But what noted moron George W Bush

meant... he said it with the resignation of someone who had tried

to play hide and seek in there. There's no corners. Earlier this

year Trump embarked on his first international talk. In Saudi Arabia

Trump said his daughter Ivanka to address the social media conferences

do love him. Take a look at this haunting footage of her trying to

engage the crowd. We just came from the opening of a new centre to

combat terrorism and ideology around terrorism, and we saw that it was

built in 30 days. 30 days. That is entrepreneurialism. Once again, we

want to thank the Deputy Prime Minister for his vision, his hard

work, and for the flawless execution of two amazing days here in Saudi

Arabia. First up, don't say execution. Saudi contracts are

people who are essentially slaves. It was a clever choice of words done

intentionally, so everyone zoning out would go... Honestly, it's

really, really dark and frightening. It came out this week factory

workers who assemble her clothing line are paid ?130 a month. They are

so impoverished they can't afford to live in the same house as their

children. They are doing absolutely disgusting things. You can see why

she arrived in Saudi Arabia and went, this looks good. Malania saw

how women were treated in Saudi Arabia and tried to claim asylum,

apparently. I'm wondering like the First Lady, because she seems like

not a monster, like him. She's often visibly frightened when public

speaking. Thank you. Let us pray. Our father, who art in heaven.

Hallowed be thy name. Like kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as

it is in heaven. To me that's like the omen sex, that's the start of

some horrendous horror movie. She is living a horror movie. She looks

like she's trying to unlearn English. If you watch old videos of

Malania, you are right, she has unlearned English. She is less good

in Ingush was ten years ago. I feel like she is mentally regressing to

the time before she knew him. She is now the only make a wish patron who

is also a client. I wonder if as she learns English she starts to

understand Donald better. Oh, this makes sense now! This life is not a

good life and they show those photos she takes on her social media, just

looking out. Speaking of that, you know she has like a First Lady

Twitter account and she put up picture the other day. Looking

forward to the memories we'll make in our new home. Looking forward to

the memories. There is someone who is living in a moment. I can't wait

until this is just a memory. She is lit candles in the day. You can see

how they've been blown out, just by her screaming.

LAUGHTER Trump sometimes conducts business in

a sleazy manner, as this documentary following him around Scotland to

demonstrate. Scotland... You won't be going to the Miss universe

pageant. Who's going? Who's going? How do you rate? Do you think she's

good? I don't know. Yes. Are you from this area? That's not so bad.

She may want to work... APPLAUSE

Sales and stuff. And stuff! That and stuff is working hard. Thing is that

such a good example, people at home, those guys who got -- go up the

goals at bus stops and the guide politely laughs at you because you

are terrifying. That is what it looks like. She doesn't like you,

she's scared. You were naturally drawn to me... Over the years Trump

has put his name to many products, including in 2007, his own range of

stakes. Here's Trump's enthusiastic endorsement for his stakes. When it

comes to great steaks I've just raised the stakes. Trump stakes are

the world's greatest steaks and I mean that in every sense of the

world. One bite and you will know exactly what I'm talking about. And

believe me, I understand stakes. It's my favourite food.

APPLAUSE When he says he understands steak, I

think he means he understands the words steak. You are the stake,

that's how hunger works, you are going 5-7 days' time, I fancy a. --

I fancy a steak. Perhaps it will be left with my neighbour. The Reader's

Digest and steak. That was his business idea, send me through the

post. And locking kidnap it. Maybe this is his whole plan, he will get

bigger and bigger so he can build his steak brand and eventually

everyone in the world will get a steak. You know like that U2 album

that nobody wanted? You open your front door, there is a steak. He

said he was going to save the world. You just fed everyone. What about

the vegetarians. It's a free state, Mona. To sum up Donald Trump will

save the world. How is he going to save it? Simple. By destroying all

human life. He's going to save the world by locking every single person

who lives on it. Standing in an open robe, with his shrivelled spray

tanned ball sack expectantly, he points a tiny finger at the future

of humanity and beckons it to his massive golden lock bed. Duality

will form itself into a giant hopeless vagina. I myself will be

the clitoris, or the anus, I haven't decided yet. Nor do I know if I'll

be given the option. All I know for sure is that Trump is going to lock

us all, every man, woman, dog, rhinoceros, rabbit, chicken, James

Gordon. I only hope God films it. He could show the footage to the

civilisations on other planets, both as a warning, or is a bit of a

treat. LAUGHTER

But the earth itself will survive and eventually, billions of years

from now, the earth will shake off it shame. Every trace of humanity

will be gone to be replaced by a fresh and wondrous ecology, teeming

with life and hope, just in time for it to be obliterated by the

exploding sun. LAUGHTER

And no one will ever know that Donald Trump saved the world, apart

from God, of course, until he too forgets, when he's eventually

consumed by celestial dementia. LAUGHTER

Just time to thank my guests. Thanks to Sara Pascoe, Katherine Ryan, Rob

Delaney and Mona Chalobah. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But before I go, I'd like to leave you with this thought. Earlier this

month something extraordinary and. A 31-year-old climber, Alex hobbled,

completed a 3000 foot rope free ascent of Al Kapitan in your Samiti

National Park. Impressed as I am by his almost superhuman tenacity, his

grip on that sheer Californian granite is as nothing, nothing,

compared to Theresa May's determination to cling onto.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

She has almost no footholds left, only a few weirdly shaped crags of

the DUP the claw at with her feverish fingertips. 1000 feet from

the ground with no safety net, no route up or down, just hire willing

-- howling gale of criticism buffeting her from all directions,

and yet she hangs on. She has no choice. Cling on, or disappear.

Exist, or die. And that's why deep down I her. In a way I love her.

LAUGHTER Theresa May is all others, clinging

onto our hopeless lives come our shitty dreams full stop she's locked

into a next essential rictus of terror, devoid as we know of any

other human quality except tenacity, having no spark of which, no warmth,

no sincerity, no empathy, nothing except her refusal to let go and

tumble away onto the blessed release of the rocks below.

LAUGHTER What they locking monster.

APPLAUSE Good night.

APPLAUSE # No one man should have

all that power... # MUSIC: Power

by Kanye West # No one man should have

all that power... #