Episode 4 Frankie Boyle's New World Order

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Frankie Boyle!

Hello and welcome to the final show in this cautious for Mike episode

commission from the BBC. We are now under a Conservative government. We

have become normalised to it, haven't we? Theresa May keeps going

on TV and doing that weird smiling thing that she does, that thing

halfway between having a stroke and screaming forever. I often wonder

what she's doing. Is she doing her pelvic floor exercises on national

television? By this stage she must be able to snap a cricket stump in

half. Michael Gove is in her Cabinet. Put-in Michael Gove in

charge of the environment is like putting an orangutan in charge of

the foreign office. Something which she's also done. David Davis, the

Brexit negotiator, he is the favourite to be the next Tory

leader. He is 68. Jeremy Corbyn is 68. And Vince Cable is dying. Be

good to have one party leader who wasn't conceived by gas light in an

air raid shelter. I don't trust our Brexit negotiating team, and the

incidentally. I think they are the sort of people who would end up

paying full price on a DFS sofa. The Labour Party are leading in the

polls. Jeremy Corbyn is leading in the polls and if there was an

election tomorrow, Labour would win and yet Jeremy Corbyn still doesn't

have the support of his own MPs. He might be ahead in the polls but

here's the worst person at controlling a party since Michael

Barrymore. On with the show. Joining me to discuss week's big topic is,

Sara Pascoe and Katherine Ryan! Hello, it's been a couple of weeks,

but have you been up to? I've invented a drinking game. The

trumped reason drinking game. Basically when you watch the news if

there's a sentence that has Trump and trees and together you take a

drink. I'd play the game without even knowing about the game. Donal

Trump Jr is working at making that game happening. He's admitted to

collusion with Russia via a tweet. He is innocent and transparent, says

Donald Trump seniors so it is sort of like he went to a drug deal but

then they sold him oregano so he's cool. Takes some work to be the

black sheep of the Trump family. We don't need to worry about the

environment because we are all about to disappear in a ball of nuclear

light. I suppose there is every part of everyone of us that hopes that at

some point soon politics will go back to normal, Twitter will go back

to being what it is supposed to be- a platform for sending death threats

to X Factor finalists. We live in a bold worst foreign policy norms lack

any kind of morality, when neocolonial policies make our

military adventures abroad little more than licensed murder, where

Britain thinks of itself as having a special relationship with America

but America thinks of Britain as somewhere where it stores its

missiles. Somewhere like a shared. The North Korean leader is firing

missiles into the Sea of Japan and is at risk of waking Godzilla. The

US President is so deranged that you conform a better president from the

meat in his colon. One of the main obstacles to world peace is Donald

Trump. Say what you like about him, he has proved a lot of people wrong.

Sadly, not George Orwell, Margaret Atwood or whoever wrote the book of

Revelation. One of our main problems is we don't understand the moral

problems of how we act in other countries. We think we target

militant people with a missiles, we have precision targeting. You can't

do that! You can't target something specifically if you're going to blow

it up with high explosives. There is no point finding the clear choice if

what you find it with is an uppercut. Joining us to discuss our

impending doom, please welcome Romesh Ranganathan and Desiree

Burch! Welcome. Are you worried about

disappearing in a curtain of flame? I'm not, no. I don't think

disappearing in a ball of light sounds that bad. In the past, we had

bullets. This, you go, it sounds nice. If anything, I wouldn't want

to be a survivor. That is the absolute worst. If there was a

danger of us getting nuked, I'm jumping in the car and heading

towards the blast point with my wife. That would be a great movie.

Or a great travelogue series. I just wouldn't want to survive it. You've

got to then repopulate the Earth. Boring! Not just boring, you have

your kid and then you've got to give them the most twisted birds and bees

talk all the time. When a man loves a woman, and by that I mean you

two... I have to agree. Unfortunately, I think we're going

to be a 68 it by Cal Fat far before we die in the nuclear winter so if

nuclear winter comes, I am super for it because not only do you have to

have your brother and sister make babies but then they have to

recreate the world, figure out the language we're going to speak,

figure out who we are going to have to press to make an economy. It is a

lot of work. You have to reinvent Netflix. Fucked that. First up,

Donald Trump's image among his supporters is built around his

proclaimed love of America. Take a look at this peculiar behaviour.

# Stand up next to you # And defend her still today

# God bless the USA! There is an element of Stockholm

syndrome. I've started to find some things about him genuinely inspiring

and I think he is cool. I'm going to do that on my Edinburgh show. I

agree, that's good for him. Not good for the world. And our descent

towards the apocalypse but in terms of what he is doing, he is trading

on Patriots, right? That is a killer move, he is going up and hugging the

flack-mac disease-mac flag. Is he being presidential? The first room,

he has torn the living room apart and done a shit in the microwave.

He's going to learn from this. No, he is a bare! When analysing the

danger he poses, let's look at the people advising him. He prevails his

most trusted adviser in this alarming phone interview. So,

Donald, who were you talking to consistently since we have some

foreign policy issues around the world right now. Who are you

consulting with consistently so that you are ready on day one? I am

speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and

I've said a lot of things. I have a very good brain? It is a

good brain, don't tell me it is a good brain. It is a good brain! He's

incredible, he is a demagogue in the purest sense. Listen to anybody

else, they'll say, we will take money from here and put it there. He

says, I'm going to make health care so great. How? It's going to be

amazing, trust me. Isis, we're going to kick the shit out of them, trust

me. And you say, yes, I want that to happen! He must be thinking about

assassinating Trump, mustn't he? The assassinated as are on his side.

You're not going to have AV can shoot the face. His broadcasting

allies, Fox News, were keen to investigate who students see as a

threat to world peace and they were not too happy with their downbeat

responses. They are supposed to be some of the smarter students in the

world but one question got some pretty shocking answers at Harvard.

What is a bigger threat to world peace- America or Isis? To world

peace? Oh, America. No one would argue we didn't create the problem

of Isis ourselves. At some level we are because of its. They are

claiming to be intellectual when they claim that America is a threat

to world peace. I guess they are smarter than us which is why they

say that. You know, of course they're going to

see that. They are at Harvard, they are at college, their first time as

Americans they have open the real history books to go, we are pieces

of shit. Everyone gets very liberal when they go to college because it

is the first time the Wallace taken off their eyes. They're saying, I

guess they're smarter. People don't sit there and go, Usain Bolt, he's

running 100 metres in 9.58 seconds, I suppose he thinks he's faster than

me! Arguably, under Barack Obama, they were a greater threat to the

world than Isis. The assumption is he wasn't a violent president so

Trump has highlighted by his idiocy and madness is how dangerous the

times are be living so that is a positive thing about him. That is

one thing better about him than Obama. A balm created the apparatus

and handed it over to Trump. It is the worst of all. You have to be

careful about the next ownership. I did a gig in Chilton one time and

there is a BAE Systems or weapons manufacturer near Cheltenham. I

started giving the audience a hard time about developing weapons. And

the guy said I don't work on weapons, I just designed tail fins

for missiles, nothing to do with me. That is his way of dealing with it,

creating the disconnect. I just work on the temperature that flesh melts

at. There's a page on BAE Systems explaining that they are carbon

neutral. They are a carbon neutral company worried about the people's

future. For every civilian killed, they plant a new one. Now, the main

customer for the British arms is Saudi Arabia. The truth is everyone

knows that many Western democratic beliefs are not compatible with the

Saudi regime and it's becoming harder and harder for politicians to

defend our relationship with them as this up close and uncomfortable

footage demonstrate. The secretary criticise the Iranian elections. He

did stand next to Saudi Arabian officials. Does the administration

believed democracy is a buffer or barrier against extremism?

I think what I would say is that the one terrorist threat is coming from

Iran. And that is coming from a part of the Iranian apparatus that is not

at all responsive to its electorate. It is so rare you see a human being

buffering. He's quite interesting. Eventually when he thinks of it,

what we say is. He knows there is an answer to this, he's looking the

logical half of his brain for it. Why would we do that? What we say

is... I think when we complain about our

country dealing with Saudi Arabia, we don't even change our lifestyle

based on the ethics of things, and we are so obsessed with the origin

of things. I brought this thing from Lush, and it said, this was made by

Tom from Surrey. It didn't have anything on the T-shirt I bought

saying, sewing, sewing, sewing... They stand up in the South -- House

of Commons and say, this will make us safer from terrorism. They are

safe from terrorism. Tony Blair has armed guards outside his house! You

doesn't even live in a rough area! You know what I mean? Who's going to

assassinate him? The guy that wrote fucking Love Actually?! With The End

Of The World On The Horizon, You Might Be Wondering If People

Actually Pay Attention To The Scaremongering Spread By The Media.

And, well, by me. Taylor could -- take a look at these terrifying

scenes. Across the country, ordinary Americans are taking measures to

prepare... I'm preparing my family for the total destruction. The

financial collapse... Go, go, go! From what they see as the fast

approaching end of the world as we know it...

APPLAUSE I like the way it said, these people

come from all walks of life. They seemed to come from one walk of life

- not! That massive plate of pasta make no sense! I think it's

narcissistic to be going, it's going to be us! It's not going to be

asked! That contradicts your statement. These proposed hope they

are not going to and then those people will reproduce and that's

what the human race will be. That's more terrifying than your

proposition. If they left behind, dear God help us all! So in

conclusion, we humans are doing our shit best to ruin the planet. We are

about three rhinos away from killing the rhinos. But we do have one

success story to our name. Super gonorrhoea. We have created a whole

load of medicine-resistant fucked use. We have fucked hoping to a

dying world. Super gonorrhoea will be the one enduring legacy of human

civilisation. It will be a Sistine Chapel, our King Lear, and we must

ensure our presses -- precious creation will survive the coming

nuclear Holocaust. It is our duty to transfer bacteria resistant

gonorrhoea to cockroaches. This is how we must spend our last -- last

days on earth. Having unprotected sex with cockroaches. Even now, I'm

speaking to you as a live cockroach cellar taped to the tip -- as there

is a live cockroach cellar taped to the tip of my cock. Because that is

the right thing to do. This is the circle of life.

Next up, our lives are being ruined by technology. This is the idea that

technology has consumed what happiness we once had, and I was

sitting in the park the other day on my phone, everyone else was on their

phones, and a guy came along, and do you know what he did? He stood

around looking at the trees like a fucking serial killer. And this was

before we get to the exploitation involved in most of our technology.

Why adults get to live in a permanent childhood because black

children have to live as adults. Technology could be a good thing

that exists within the contract -- constructed capitalism. YouTube

could be good but it is ruined by adverts. What is there about me

spending five hours watching pensioners falling over that

suggests I'm in the market for a brand-new Lexus? Guys, are you

worried by technology? I couldn't disagree more. I think our lives

have been enhanced by technology and if you want proof of that, go trying

to take a shit without your phone. You can sit on the toilet and

received death threats... That's part of the joy of life. For every

death threat you get, you also get some long-distance flirt from

somebody you're never going to meet, and it is like it balances out. It

is a kind of game that, you want to kill me, you want to fucked me, a

bit of everything! I'm very lazy. Sometimes I ignore my own child to

look at photos of my own child. There is a threat to jobs and the

dangers of artificial intelligence, but as always, the only thing people

want to know is, can we fucked them? Something Kirsty Wark has

investigated in this chilling and uncomfortable Newsnight

investigation. Is it except -- acceptable to use so-called sex

robots? These dolls are coming and what would you say? They can be

programmed to make verbal responses? We have to make a decision whether

we use that for good or bad, which we always have to do with

technology, so there's something to be said about working with these

dolls to rehabilitate people who committed rape. But there could be

the idea that once they have done this many times with an inanimate

object and no push back, they might go out and rape humans. Did she say

absolutely no pushback from a raped?! Those seem to be questions

that have only ever occurred to her. I think it seems definite that

people well fuck robots. There might be an intermediary stage where

people just wrapped them in BacoFoil... But, I mean, men are

definitely going to fuck robots. Bill Cosby won't even bother

charging his up. Will they take our jobs and replace us, that's a

question. I think humans are turning more robotic, because we are always

on our phones, a lot of things are done for us, we have sex love. I'm

essentially a robot now. How does the rounds he were? Because at some

point, when robots evolve, because they are evolving to be like humans,

then we're just slave owners for robots. The thing you are forgetting

is that they are fucking robots! As machines take on more human

attributes, they become a threat to jobs, especially manual labour.

There is this footage with the robustness of robots being assessed

with cutting-edge scientific techniques.

APPLAUSE When he was going out the door at

the end I thought he was going off to kill that guy's family! Basically

a ?10 million robot that burns the minimum wage. You know that his

final destination is to wear a crown of gunge as he runs through some

village playing Donald Trump's tweets through a tannoy on his face?

Picking children who are 10 lbs or less. You survive! Anyway, drones

are becoming part of our daily lives as their ability to perform multiple

tasks increases. This shaky footage shows just what they are capable

of... Good luck fucking that!

LAUGHTER Now, the advance in technology also

raises questions about human life itself, and if we are in fact real

or part of a complex computer simulation.

Billionaire founder of Tesla and real Bond villain Mr Musk has

suggested we are real and are in fact living in a computer

simulation. His ex-wife discusses this complex topic with Tim Lovejoy

on Sunday brunch. I think if you look at the way video games have

developed from when I was a kid, when it was blocks around the

screen, to now when you have realistic player games where

everyone can contribute, the direction we are moving in with

virtual reality, soon you are not going to be able to tell reality

from non-reality, and so once that hits, the likelihood that we already

exist in a simulation becomes statistically much more likely

because the odds of us being in reality is released slim. Tim? It

makes you think, if I want to level up in the game, I should do

something really outrageous and entertaining to impress our

simulating overlords. What should we be doing to further ourselves? No

idea. Speaking of which, you've no idea what I've been doing for the

last five minutes! Is it alien? It's more like a base

reality where they could create a simulated universe, and from that,

the simulated universe would create another simulated universe, so if

you accept that, the chances of us being the base reality get less.

They created a computer game called Sim, and they started designing a

game within the game who looked like Saints, and then another game inside

it, whether people inside were living lives just like there's... I

think I'm getting it. The screwed up thing about this is that all of

these scientists who have been browbeating all of these

fundamentalists, it's, like, yes, actually, intelligent design. We've

been yelling at these people saying, somebody made it, just not a dude

with a beard. The problem is when somebody mentally unsound things, I

don't have to obey reality. Or somebody who lives like they are in

Grand Theft Auto just because they've been watching Sunday Brunch.

Do you not watch it?! That's we've got time for. That's the end of the

series. We might all be dead in a week. Thanks to my guests, Sara

Pascoe, Katherine Ryan, Romesh Ranganathan and Desiree Burch!

But before I go, I'd like to leave you with this thought. The Russian

hacking scandal continues to dominate the news, so let's have a

think about Vladimir Putin. Vladimir Putin is a very clever man. In fact,

he is so clever, I think the guy we see on TV, I don't think that's him.

That's the front guy, the guy they put there to take the assassination

attempts. Why would Putin, if he is so clever, be there himself? I think

a Putin is a very old cobbler in St Petersburg, and once a week the

Russians go down there and ask him what they should do, and he always

insists on finishing the shoe he's working on...

Invade Turkey. That's always kind of an awkward

moment for me, because if no one laughs at the first shoe, I have to

start making a second one... LAUGHTER

But the second shoe is a real moment of crisis, because if nobody laughs

there, why would they make a third? Art have to pretend he's kind of

messed one of them up and had to start again, and that's beyond my

abilities as a mime artist. -- I would have to pretend. Maybe in

Siberia somewhere there is a lumberjack living in the middle of

nowhere with a big white wolf, and that Wolf is Vladimir Putin. Or,

what is the photo you always see Vladimir Putin? He is naked from the

waist up riding a horse. Perhaps he is trying to prepare us for the fact

that he is a centaur. One day you will switch on the news and there

will be Vladimir Putin galloping into the United Nations and taking a

two-minute long kiss. He tapped out a message with his hoof until

somebody points out that he has a mouth that can speak. He says he

doesn't care and this is what the message is -- the message will say

when he finishes it. An advisor will say, Vladimir, you are not a

centaur, you are an old cobbler, a cobbler who is losing his mind and

happens to be running the world. The old cobbler doesn't answer because

he is flirting with the woman's torso that he has stitched onto a

dead horse that. Of course the old man doesn't have the strength to

stitch anything onto a debt horse so here's actually flicking with a

Pella that his advisor has left on a labrador. So his advisor goes back

to try to make sense of the orders he has received, unaware that he is

and has always been Vladimir Putin. Good night.