Episode 4 Frankie Boyle's New World Order

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This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.


Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Frankie Boyle!


Hello and welcome to the final show in this cautious for Mike episode


commission from the BBC. We are now under a Conservative government. We


have become normalised to it, haven't we? Theresa May keeps going


on TV and doing that weird smiling thing that she does, that thing


halfway between having a stroke and screaming forever. I often wonder


what she's doing. Is she doing her pelvic floor exercises on national


television? By this stage she must be able to snap a cricket stump in


half. Michael Gove is in her Cabinet. Put-in Michael Gove in


charge of the environment is like putting an orangutan in charge of


the foreign office. Something which she's also done. David Davis, the


Brexit negotiator, he is the favourite to be the next Tory


leader. He is 68. Jeremy Corbyn is 68. And Vince Cable is dying. Be


good to have one party leader who wasn't conceived by gas light in an


air raid shelter. I don't trust our Brexit negotiating team, and the


incidentally. I think they are the sort of people who would end up


paying full price on a DFS sofa. The Labour Party are leading in the


polls. Jeremy Corbyn is leading in the polls and if there was an


election tomorrow, Labour would win and yet Jeremy Corbyn still doesn't


have the support of his own MPs. He might be ahead in the polls but


here's the worst person at controlling a party since Michael


Barrymore. On with the show. Joining me to discuss week's big topic is,


Sara Pascoe and Katherine Ryan! Hello, it's been a couple of weeks,


but have you been up to? I've invented a drinking game. The


trumped reason drinking game. Basically when you watch the news if


there's a sentence that has Trump and trees and together you take a


drink. I'd play the game without even knowing about the game. Donal


Trump Jr is working at making that game happening. He's admitted to


collusion with Russia via a tweet. He is innocent and transparent, says


Donald Trump seniors so it is sort of like he went to a drug deal but


then they sold him oregano so he's cool. Takes some work to be the


black sheep of the Trump family. We don't need to worry about the


environment because we are all about to disappear in a ball of nuclear


light. I suppose there is every part of everyone of us that hopes that at


some point soon politics will go back to normal, Twitter will go back


to being what it is supposed to be- a platform for sending death threats


to X Factor finalists. We live in a bold worst foreign policy norms lack


any kind of morality, when neocolonial policies make our


military adventures abroad little more than licensed murder, where


Britain thinks of itself as having a special relationship with America


but America thinks of Britain as somewhere where it stores its


missiles. Somewhere like a shared. The North Korean leader is firing


missiles into the Sea of Japan and is at risk of waking Godzilla. The


US President is so deranged that you conform a better president from the


meat in his colon. One of the main obstacles to world peace is Donald


Trump. Say what you like about him, he has proved a lot of people wrong.


Sadly, not George Orwell, Margaret Atwood or whoever wrote the book of


Revelation. One of our main problems is we don't understand the moral


problems of how we act in other countries. We think we target


militant people with a missiles, we have precision targeting. You can't


do that! You can't target something specifically if you're going to blow


it up with high explosives. There is no point finding the clear choice if


what you find it with is an uppercut. Joining us to discuss our


impending doom, please welcome Romesh Ranganathan and Desiree


Burch! Welcome. Are you worried about


disappearing in a curtain of flame? I'm not, no. I don't think


disappearing in a ball of light sounds that bad. In the past, we had


bullets. This, you go, it sounds nice. If anything, I wouldn't want


to be a survivor. That is the absolute worst. If there was a


danger of us getting nuked, I'm jumping in the car and heading


towards the blast point with my wife. That would be a great movie.


Or a great travelogue series. I just wouldn't want to survive it. You've


got to then repopulate the Earth. Boring! Not just boring, you have


your kid and then you've got to give them the most twisted birds and bees


talk all the time. When a man loves a woman, and by that I mean you


two... I have to agree. Unfortunately, I think we're going


to be a 68 it by Cal Fat far before we die in the nuclear winter so if


nuclear winter comes, I am super for it because not only do you have to


have your brother and sister make babies but then they have to


recreate the world, figure out the language we're going to speak,


figure out who we are going to have to press to make an economy. It is a


lot of work. You have to reinvent Netflix. Fucked that. First up,


Donald Trump's image among his supporters is built around his


proclaimed love of America. Take a look at this peculiar behaviour.


# Stand up next to you # And defend her still today


# God bless the USA! There is an element of Stockholm


syndrome. I've started to find some things about him genuinely inspiring


and I think he is cool. I'm going to do that on my Edinburgh show. I


agree, that's good for him. Not good for the world. And our descent


towards the apocalypse but in terms of what he is doing, he is trading


on Patriots, right? That is a killer move, he is going up and hugging the


flack-mac disease-mac flag. Is he being presidential? The first room,


he has torn the living room apart and done a shit in the microwave.


He's going to learn from this. No, he is a bare! When analysing the


danger he poses, let's look at the people advising him. He prevails his


most trusted adviser in this alarming phone interview. So,


Donald, who were you talking to consistently since we have some


foreign policy issues around the world right now. Who are you


consulting with consistently so that you are ready on day one? I am


speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and


I've said a lot of things. I have a very good brain? It is a


good brain, don't tell me it is a good brain. It is a good brain! He's


incredible, he is a demagogue in the purest sense. Listen to anybody


else, they'll say, we will take money from here and put it there. He


says, I'm going to make health care so great. How? It's going to be


amazing, trust me. Isis, we're going to kick the shit out of them, trust


me. And you say, yes, I want that to happen! He must be thinking about


assassinating Trump, mustn't he? The assassinated as are on his side.


You're not going to have AV can shoot the face. His broadcasting


allies, Fox News, were keen to investigate who students see as a


threat to world peace and they were not too happy with their downbeat


responses. They are supposed to be some of the smarter students in the


world but one question got some pretty shocking answers at Harvard.


What is a bigger threat to world peace- America or Isis? To world


peace? Oh, America. No one would argue we didn't create the problem


of Isis ourselves. At some level we are because of its. They are


claiming to be intellectual when they claim that America is a threat


to world peace. I guess they are smarter than us which is why they


say that. You know, of course they're going to


see that. They are at Harvard, they are at college, their first time as


Americans they have open the real history books to go, we are pieces


of shit. Everyone gets very liberal when they go to college because it


is the first time the Wallace taken off their eyes. They're saying, I


guess they're smarter. People don't sit there and go, Usain Bolt, he's


running 100 metres in 9.58 seconds, I suppose he thinks he's faster than


me! Arguably, under Barack Obama, they were a greater threat to the


world than Isis. The assumption is he wasn't a violent president so


Trump has highlighted by his idiocy and madness is how dangerous the


times are be living so that is a positive thing about him. That is


one thing better about him than Obama. A balm created the apparatus


and handed it over to Trump. It is the worst of all. You have to be


careful about the next ownership. I did a gig in Chilton one time and


there is a BAE Systems or weapons manufacturer near Cheltenham. I


started giving the audience a hard time about developing weapons. And


the guy said I don't work on weapons, I just designed tail fins


for missiles, nothing to do with me. That is his way of dealing with it,


creating the disconnect. I just work on the temperature that flesh melts


at. There's a page on BAE Systems explaining that they are carbon


neutral. They are a carbon neutral company worried about the people's


future. For every civilian killed, they plant a new one. Now, the main


customer for the British arms is Saudi Arabia. The truth is everyone


knows that many Western democratic beliefs are not compatible with the


Saudi regime and it's becoming harder and harder for politicians to


defend our relationship with them as this up close and uncomfortable


footage demonstrate. The secretary criticise the Iranian elections. He


did stand next to Saudi Arabian officials. Does the administration


believed democracy is a buffer or barrier against extremism?


I think what I would say is that the one terrorist threat is coming from


Iran. And that is coming from a part of the Iranian apparatus that is not


at all responsive to its electorate. It is so rare you see a human being


buffering. He's quite interesting. Eventually when he thinks of it,


what we say is. He knows there is an answer to this, he's looking the


logical half of his brain for it. Why would we do that? What we say


is... I think when we complain about our


country dealing with Saudi Arabia, we don't even change our lifestyle


based on the ethics of things, and we are so obsessed with the origin


of things. I brought this thing from Lush, and it said, this was made by


Tom from Surrey. It didn't have anything on the T-shirt I bought


saying, sewing, sewing, sewing... They stand up in the South -- House


of Commons and say, this will make us safer from terrorism. They are


safe from terrorism. Tony Blair has armed guards outside his house! You


doesn't even live in a rough area! You know what I mean? Who's going to


assassinate him? The guy that wrote fucking Love Actually?! With The End


Of The World On The Horizon, You Might Be Wondering If People


Actually Pay Attention To The Scaremongering Spread By The Media.


And, well, by me. Taylor could -- take a look at these terrifying


scenes. Across the country, ordinary Americans are taking measures to


prepare... I'm preparing my family for the total destruction. The


financial collapse... Go, go, go! From what they see as the fast


approaching end of the world as we know it...


APPLAUSE I like the way it said, these people


come from all walks of life. They seemed to come from one walk of life


- not! That massive plate of pasta make no sense! I think it's


narcissistic to be going, it's going to be us! It's not going to be


asked! That contradicts your statement. These proposed hope they


are not going to and then those people will reproduce and that's


what the human race will be. That's more terrifying than your


proposition. If they left behind, dear God help us all! So in


conclusion, we humans are doing our shit best to ruin the planet. We are


about three rhinos away from killing the rhinos. But we do have one


success story to our name. Super gonorrhoea. We have created a whole


load of medicine-resistant fucked use. We have fucked hoping to a


dying world. Super gonorrhoea will be the one enduring legacy of human


civilisation. It will be a Sistine Chapel, our King Lear, and we must


ensure our presses -- precious creation will survive the coming


nuclear Holocaust. It is our duty to transfer bacteria resistant


gonorrhoea to cockroaches. This is how we must spend our last -- last


days on earth. Having unprotected sex with cockroaches. Even now, I'm


speaking to you as a live cockroach cellar taped to the tip -- as there


is a live cockroach cellar taped to the tip of my cock. Because that is


the right thing to do. This is the circle of life.


Next up, our lives are being ruined by technology. This is the idea that


technology has consumed what happiness we once had, and I was


sitting in the park the other day on my phone, everyone else was on their


phones, and a guy came along, and do you know what he did? He stood


around looking at the trees like a fucking serial killer. And this was


before we get to the exploitation involved in most of our technology.


Why adults get to live in a permanent childhood because black


children have to live as adults. Technology could be a good thing


that exists within the contract -- constructed capitalism. YouTube


could be good but it is ruined by adverts. What is there about me


spending five hours watching pensioners falling over that


suggests I'm in the market for a brand-new Lexus? Guys, are you


worried by technology? I couldn't disagree more. I think our lives


have been enhanced by technology and if you want proof of that, go trying


to take a shit without your phone. You can sit on the toilet and


received death threats... That's part of the joy of life. For every


death threat you get, you also get some long-distance flirt from


somebody you're never going to meet, and it is like it balances out. It


is a kind of game that, you want to kill me, you want to fucked me, a


bit of everything! I'm very lazy. Sometimes I ignore my own child to


look at photos of my own child. There is a threat to jobs and the


dangers of artificial intelligence, but as always, the only thing people


want to know is, can we fucked them? Something Kirsty Wark has


investigated in this chilling and uncomfortable Newsnight


investigation. Is it except -- acceptable to use so-called sex


robots? These dolls are coming and what would you say? They can be


programmed to make verbal responses? We have to make a decision whether


we use that for good or bad, which we always have to do with


technology, so there's something to be said about working with these


dolls to rehabilitate people who committed rape. But there could be


the idea that once they have done this many times with an inanimate


object and no push back, they might go out and rape humans. Did she say


absolutely no pushback from a raped?! Those seem to be questions


that have only ever occurred to her. I think it seems definite that


people well fuck robots. There might be an intermediary stage where


people just wrapped them in BacoFoil... But, I mean, men are


definitely going to fuck robots. Bill Cosby won't even bother


charging his up. Will they take our jobs and replace us, that's a


question. I think humans are turning more robotic, because we are always


on our phones, a lot of things are done for us, we have sex love. I'm


essentially a robot now. How does the rounds he were? Because at some


point, when robots evolve, because they are evolving to be like humans,


then we're just slave owners for robots. The thing you are forgetting


is that they are fucking robots! As machines take on more human


attributes, they become a threat to jobs, especially manual labour.


There is this footage with the robustness of robots being assessed


with cutting-edge scientific techniques.


APPLAUSE When he was going out the door at


the end I thought he was going off to kill that guy's family! Basically


a ?10 million robot that burns the minimum wage. You know that his


final destination is to wear a crown of gunge as he runs through some


village playing Donald Trump's tweets through a tannoy on his face?


Picking children who are 10 lbs or less. You survive! Anyway, drones


are becoming part of our daily lives as their ability to perform multiple


tasks increases. This shaky footage shows just what they are capable


of... Good luck fucking that!


LAUGHTER Now, the advance in technology also


raises questions about human life itself, and if we are in fact real


or part of a complex computer simulation.


Billionaire founder of Tesla and real Bond villain Mr Musk has


suggested we are real and are in fact living in a computer


simulation. His ex-wife discusses this complex topic with Tim Lovejoy


on Sunday brunch. I think if you look at the way video games have


developed from when I was a kid, when it was blocks around the


screen, to now when you have realistic player games where


everyone can contribute, the direction we are moving in with


virtual reality, soon you are not going to be able to tell reality


from non-reality, and so once that hits, the likelihood that we already


exist in a simulation becomes statistically much more likely


because the odds of us being in reality is released slim. Tim? It


makes you think, if I want to level up in the game, I should do


something really outrageous and entertaining to impress our


simulating overlords. What should we be doing to further ourselves? No


idea. Speaking of which, you've no idea what I've been doing for the


last five minutes! Is it alien? It's more like a base


reality where they could create a simulated universe, and from that,


the simulated universe would create another simulated universe, so if


you accept that, the chances of us being the base reality get less.


They created a computer game called Sim, and they started designing a


game within the game who looked like Saints, and then another game inside


it, whether people inside were living lives just like there's... I


think I'm getting it. The screwed up thing about this is that all of


these scientists who have been browbeating all of these


fundamentalists, it's, like, yes, actually, intelligent design. We've


been yelling at these people saying, somebody made it, just not a dude


with a beard. The problem is when somebody mentally unsound things, I


don't have to obey reality. Or somebody who lives like they are in


Grand Theft Auto just because they've been watching Sunday Brunch.


Do you not watch it?! That's we've got time for. That's the end of the


series. We might all be dead in a week. Thanks to my guests, Sara


Pascoe, Katherine Ryan, Romesh Ranganathan and Desiree Burch!


But before I go, I'd like to leave you with this thought. The Russian


hacking scandal continues to dominate the news, so let's have a


think about Vladimir Putin. Vladimir Putin is a very clever man. In fact,


he is so clever, I think the guy we see on TV, I don't think that's him.


That's the front guy, the guy they put there to take the assassination


attempts. Why would Putin, if he is so clever, be there himself? I think


a Putin is a very old cobbler in St Petersburg, and once a week the


Russians go down there and ask him what they should do, and he always


insists on finishing the shoe he's working on...


Invade Turkey. That's always kind of an awkward


moment for me, because if no one laughs at the first shoe, I have to


start making a second one... LAUGHTER


But the second shoe is a real moment of crisis, because if nobody laughs


there, why would they make a third? Art have to pretend he's kind of


messed one of them up and had to start again, and that's beyond my


abilities as a mime artist. -- I would have to pretend. Maybe in


Siberia somewhere there is a lumberjack living in the middle of


nowhere with a big white wolf, and that Wolf is Vladimir Putin. Or,


what is the photo you always see Vladimir Putin? He is naked from the


waist up riding a horse. Perhaps he is trying to prepare us for the fact


that he is a centaur. One day you will switch on the news and there


will be Vladimir Putin galloping into the United Nations and taking a


two-minute long kiss. He tapped out a message with his hoof until


somebody points out that he has a mouth that can speak. He says he


doesn't care and this is what the message is -- the message will say


when he finishes it. An advisor will say, Vladimir, you are not a


centaur, you are an old cobbler, a cobbler who is losing his mind and


happens to be running the world. The old cobbler doesn't answer because


he is flirting with the woman's torso that he has stitched onto a


dead horse that. Of course the old man doesn't have the strength to


stitch anything onto a debt horse so here's actually flicking with a


Pella that his advisor has left on a labrador. So his advisor goes back


to try to make sense of the orders he has received, unaware that he is


and has always been Vladimir Putin. Good night.


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