Best of Gary Gary: Tank Commander


Best of Gary

Gary returns with the best of the action from the first series. Featuring Gary and the boys showing an American general a good time and being attacked by little girls.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

-Well, lads, last day of the holiday.

-CHEERING

0:00:020:00:04

Charlie, what's been your favourite bit?

0:00:040:00:06

I liked the water park.

0:00:060:00:09

-Er, Jacko?

-The nightclubs.

0:00:090:00:12

Oh, aye, they were good. Adam?

0:00:120:00:15

-The birds.

-Ah, well, for me, it has to have been the weather.

0:00:150:00:19

Check out this tan. That's not going to fade in a hurry, is it?

0:00:190:00:25

LAUGHTER

0:00:250:00:26

I suppose in some ways it is weird

0:00:520:00:53

that...kind of like, one minute you're in a war zone

0:00:530:00:57

and then...next minute you're hame and that's that.

0:00:570:01:02

And in some ways,

0:01:030:01:05

it is a bit like coming back from a holiday,

0:01:050:01:07

cos I've got...

0:01:070:01:10

I've got colour about me - you cannae say I dinnae, cos I do...

0:01:100:01:13

Quite broon.

0:01:130:01:15

But that's a perk of the job.

0:01:150:01:18

In another way, it's no like coming back from holiday cos I've no been on holiday,

0:01:180:01:23

I've been at work.

0:01:230:01:26

So...in a way, I suppose it feels like I'm just in from work,

0:01:260:01:31

except it took ages to get hame.

0:01:310:01:33

Like, I suppose it's that way, I'm a bit like...

0:01:330:01:37

an international travelling salesman,

0:01:370:01:41

except I dinnae sell anything and I'm in the Army.

0:01:410:01:44

Morning, morning.

0:01:460:01:48

You will report to recruitment at 0800 hours at the Daphne Centre.

0:01:480:01:52

But we're just back.

0:01:520:01:54

You'll be able to answer the questions from the young wannabe Rambos.

0:01:540:01:58

-What, about hot tents and scorpions?

-It's just one day, so suck it up, eh?

0:01:580:02:02

I cannae wait(!)

0:02:030:02:04

What about him? Excuse me, excuse me.

0:02:040:02:07

Sorry, nothing, I just wanted to say that is a really nice jacket.

0:02:070:02:12

That is a really...

0:02:120:02:13

The collar, the jeans, and... Have a great day, pal, all right?

0:02:130:02:17

I mean, it's a start, but I do think you'd need to be able to do more than one press-up.

0:02:190:02:24

But thanks.

0:02:240:02:27

If you are due in court tomorrow, you would need to go.

0:02:270:02:31

Army? Nah.

0:02:340:02:37

Army?

0:02:390:02:40

Nah? Army?

0:02:400:02:43

Nah?

0:02:430:02:44

Windsurfing? Nah.

0:02:440:02:47

OK, lads. Listen up.

0:02:470:02:49

I've just been talking to the Captain.

0:02:490:02:53

Has anyone seen my, erm...? Ah.

0:02:530:02:57

Chaps, at ease.

0:02:570:02:59

Er... The firemen. Strike. You've heard. I'm was just saying,

0:02:590:03:04

seeing as you're the chaps that drive the...em...

0:03:040:03:07

-Tank?

-Yeah. You should be in charge of the...er...

0:03:070:03:12

So to outline, I shall leave you once again in the capable hands of Sergeant...um...

0:03:120:03:17

to get you in the very best of fire-fighting...

0:03:170:03:21

Good.

0:03:210:03:22

-Thank you very much, Captain. That was superb.

-Carry on.

0:03:220:03:27

Now, lads. The boys and larger ladies of the Fire Service

0:03:300:03:34

fancy a few days off to count their wonga. So we, the fifth emergency service, will be stepping in

0:03:340:03:40

to provide fire support cover over the strike period.

0:03:400:03:43

As of tomorrow, we are expected to be on standby for all 999 emergency calls.

0:03:430:03:48

Questions.

0:03:480:03:49

Yes, Corporal?

0:03:500:03:52

Is it true that 95% of fires are caused by chips?

0:03:520:03:58

No, but it is true that 95% of stupid questions result in a baw' booting.

0:03:580:04:03

Now get a move on!

0:04:030:04:05

Um...

0:04:050:04:07

Ah.

0:04:070:04:08

Don't laugh at his name, Gary. It's just a wee furry animal.

0:04:110:04:16

Just think about Countdown.

0:04:160:04:18

At ease, Corporal...er... McLine-Tock?

0:04:200:04:24

-Yes, sir.

-General Randy Badger. Thanks for meeting me.

0:04:240:04:28

-That's all right, I was told I had to.

-That's what a good soldier does - follows orders. So, where to?

0:04:280:04:33

Er...out the front.

0:04:330:04:35

Do you trust me, soldier?

0:04:350:04:36

-Yes, General.

-Good, cos it's all about trust.

0:04:380:04:42

Because you, Corporal, are an integral component to the success of my mission.

0:04:420:04:47

-What's your mission, sir?

-Cross International Home Station Strategic Planning.

0:04:470:04:51

-That sounds brilliant.

-It does, doesn't it?

0:04:510:04:54

I'm going to be examining what you boys do when you're stationed at home and not in the heat.

0:04:540:04:59

All right, aye. When we're at home in the house, and it's cold.

0:04:590:05:02

Aye, ken what you mean.

0:05:020:05:03

-What's that? You "ken"? What's that word?

-Oh, sorry, General,

0:05:040:05:08

that's like a Scottish word that means...erm...to like...erm...ken?

0:05:080:05:13

-Like to ken?

-Explain yourself, soldier.

0:05:130:05:17

Erm, to know someone, or something.

0:05:170:05:21

OK. So to ken is to know?

0:05:210:05:25

Aye, like to ken someone is to know them.

0:05:250:05:28

Do you ken them?

0:05:280:05:29

-Who, General?

-No, no, I mean, is that right?

0:05:290:05:32

-As in, you can ken someone.

-Aye, that's right.

0:05:320:05:35

Aye is yes.

0:05:370:05:38

I ken that.

0:05:380:05:40

-Correct, General.

-This is good.

0:05:400:05:43

At ease, chaps. Now, as Sergeant may have said,

0:05:430:05:47

my younger brother Rupert is at university in St Andrews.

0:05:470:05:50

Bit of a big, you know, in the OTC,

0:05:500:05:52

and he's organised a debate. You will go and...er... Sergeant.

0:05:520:05:58

Yes. As the Captain has so succinctly outlined,

0:05:590:06:04

you will be representing the Army,

0:06:040:06:06

-adopting our official stance on the recent conflict.

-Yes. Very good, Sergeant.

0:06:060:06:11

Carry on.

0:06:110:06:13

This is the arena.

0:06:130:06:16

You guys will be here, I'll be sat there, and your opponent Millie will be there.

0:06:160:06:22

Now...

0:06:220:06:23

that is what we're up against.

0:06:230:06:27

-Nae bother.

-Ah, oui, oui, pas de probleme.

0:06:270:06:30

Is she Spanish?

0:06:300:06:31

-No.

-Er...Scottish?

0:06:310:06:33

English.

0:06:330:06:34

-Right...

-A tout a l'heure. A bientot. Au revoir.

0:06:340:06:38

Sorry about that. Millie. Nice to meet you.

0:06:380:06:41

-Gary. This is Jacko.

-All right.

0:06:410:06:43

-Hi.

-Rupert was just saying, erm, you're English.

-Guilty as charged.

0:06:430:06:48

-Scottish, I presume?

-Och, aye.

0:06:480:06:52

How exciting. North versus south.

0:06:520:06:54

Yes. Hope you're ready for the North to whip your arse.

0:06:540:06:57

-You don't have a whip with you, do you, Corporal?

-Er, no.

0:06:570:07:00

Just a gun.

0:07:000:07:01

-That's a joke.

-Yes, I know. OK.

0:07:020:07:05

If you'll excuse me, I'll go and steel myself to take on the might of the British Army.

0:07:050:07:10

-Well, may the best man win.

-Person.

0:07:100:07:12

Er, naw. Man.

0:07:120:07:14

SNIGGERING

0:07:430:07:44

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

0:08:030:08:05

The greatest skill I've learned in the Army

0:08:090:08:12

has to be...getting things right.

0:08:120:08:15

I think the Army makes you get things right cos if you don't,

0:08:150:08:19

they're no happy.

0:08:190:08:21

And I ken you might be thinking, "What about Iraq and that?"

0:08:210:08:24

but you see that's different, cos,

0:08:240:08:26

see, we did what we were told, and that was right.

0:08:260:08:29

You do what you're told in the Army, see, right?

0:08:290:08:32

Whereas the Government told the Army what to dae,

0:08:320:08:36

so then if anyone was wrong, it was them.

0:08:360:08:39

But then the public

0:08:390:08:41

voted in the Government, so then they were wrong to do that.

0:08:410:08:45

So, actually, Iraq and that is the public's fault.

0:08:450:08:48

Although they won't admit it.

0:08:510:08:53

But it's true.

0:08:530:08:54

Right, lads. These oil drums represent two oil tankers

0:08:590:09:01

-which have crashed on a busy motorway.

-Aye, I see that.

0:09:010:09:04

The medical services have removed the injured drivers,

0:09:040:09:07

-but a danger remains...which is?

-They've missed something in the X-ray

0:09:070:09:11

-and they die later of complications?

-Not quite, Dr Finlay.

0:09:110:09:15

-Petrol tank's ruptured and it's going to explode.

-Nae need.

0:09:150:09:18

Correct. Kenning, Smith, take these matches and go and re-live your youth.

0:09:180:09:23

Putting out two oil drums wi' a 1950s converted ice-cream van -

0:09:260:09:30

watch oot Al Qaeda.

0:09:300:09:32

Hose ready!

0:09:360:09:37

Stand firm!

0:09:380:09:40

-Water on!

-Go!

0:09:400:09:43

Hurry up! Get it on!

0:09:470:09:48

Charlie, turn it on!

0:09:480:09:51

71...

0:10:000:10:02

72...73...

0:10:020:10:05

Corporal!

0:10:070:10:08

Come on!

0:10:090:10:10

That was quick.

0:10:200:10:22

Did you, er, manage to feel your forefathers?

0:10:220:10:26

More than I could have imagined.

0:10:260:10:28

I just walked, took it in.

0:10:280:10:32

I know it sounds strange, but...

0:10:320:10:35

I felt my forefathers.

0:10:350:10:37

For a moment there...

0:10:370:10:39

..I really felt...

0:10:400:10:42

I was a McBadger.

0:10:420:10:44

Well, that's good, then.

0:10:450:10:47

Sir, are you all right?

0:10:490:10:51

It's just being here.

0:10:540:10:57

It feels like home.

0:10:570:10:58

It's beautiful!

0:11:010:11:03

Oh, jeez, man!

0:11:030:11:06

We're the same, Corporal.

0:11:070:11:10

I'm the same as you.

0:11:100:11:13

I'm Scotch!

0:11:130:11:15

I don't care how you dress this salad up, it's always been about oil.

0:11:160:11:20

Well, even if it was always aboot oil, Milleh, we've made that salad.

0:11:200:11:24

We've chopped the lettuce, the cucumber, we've put the lettuce in,

0:11:240:11:28

and we've put as much salad cream in as possible, so to put oil on it now would just ruin it.

0:11:280:11:33

OK, guys, I'm going to have to ask you to make your closing statements. Corporal.

0:11:360:11:41

Em...well...

0:11:420:11:45

All I would say is that to anyone who has ever cooked anything,

0:11:450:11:49

sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnae.

0:11:490:11:53

Sometimes it's nice and sometimes it makes you sick

0:11:530:11:57

and sometimes you have seconds, right?

0:11:570:11:59

But for those of you that think that we, the Army, made a meal of Iraq,

0:11:590:12:03

well, maybe you should stop eating microwave meals and try cooking something from scratch,

0:12:030:12:08

cos I'm telling you, it's a lot mair difficult.

0:12:080:12:11

Thanks for listening!

0:12:110:12:12

-Other hand.

-Oh.

0:12:210:12:22

What's the rush? You late for work?

0:12:220:12:24

-Nope.

-Why are you running?

-Wouldn't you like to know?

-No, I don't have to.

0:12:240:12:28

-Let me gi' you a hint. I've joined the Army. This is me in training.

-What are you talking about?

0:12:280:12:32

-I came to see you and met Major Spitter.

-Splitter.

-She said to join,

0:12:320:12:36

-so like a good soldier I followed orders and signed up.

-This isnae happening.

-It is.

0:12:360:12:40

-She says you get to go windsurfing.

-When was the last time you seen soldiers

0:12:400:12:44

-attacking a country windsurfing?

-No for ages.

0:12:440:12:47

Try never.

0:12:470:12:48

-She said that joining would give me a purpose.

-You work in the baker's!

0:12:480:12:52

But I hate it, Gary, it gets too hot. I want to go to Iraq. I want to be wi' you and Jacko.

0:12:520:12:57

We're finished with Iraq. Well, maybe. Afghanistan's hotter than the baker's,

0:12:570:13:01

a lot hotter. And besides, that's only if you got posted with us.

0:13:010:13:04

-You could end up somewhere much worse. Germany.

-Don't say that.

0:13:040:13:07

You cannae sign up, your brother would kill me.

0:13:070:13:10

-Is that what you want?

-Jacko'll no mind. He would, but I think it'll be a laugh.

0:13:100:13:14

Julie, do you know what Afghanistan means?

0:13:140:13:17

Does it mean hello?

0:13:190:13:20

# You can brush my hair

0:13:200:13:22

# Undress me everywhere

0:13:220:13:24

# Imagination

0:13:240:13:26

# Life is your creation

0:13:260:13:28

# Come on, Barbie, let's go party

0:13:280:13:30

# Ah, ah, ah, yeah

0:13:300:13:32

# Come on, Barbie, let's go party

0:13:320:13:34

# Ooh, ooh, ooh

0:13:340:13:35

# Come on, Barbie, let's go party.

0:13:350:13:37

# Ah, ah, ah, yeah

0:13:370:13:39

# Come on, Barbie, let's go party

0:13:390:13:41

# Ooh, ooh, ooh. #

0:13:410:13:43

If I was going to give any advice to someone

0:13:460:13:49

that was going into the Army,

0:13:490:13:51

it would have to be...

0:13:510:13:53

just enjoy yourself.

0:13:530:13:56

I mean, it's no all a bed of chocolates, right,

0:13:560:13:59

but see if you like early starts,

0:13:590:14:01

getting shouted at, being shot at, fighting abroad, cleaning and ironing,

0:14:010:14:07

it really is the best job in the world.

0:14:070:14:11

BUZZER

0:14:140:14:16

-Can I help you?

-Aye.

0:14:190:14:20

-We're after a gun.

-A gun?

0:14:200:14:25

Aye, a gun.

0:14:250:14:26

You never heard of them?

0:14:260:14:28

-Aye. What kind of gun?

-Whit?

0:14:280:14:31

Gun. What kind of gun? There's loads of them.

0:14:310:14:34

-I thought that's what you wanted.

-Aye. What have you got?

-Er...

0:14:340:14:37

got a hand gun, machine gun, laser gun...

0:14:370:14:41

-Laser gun?

-No, that's just a wee joke.

0:14:410:14:43

Oh, right. I want one like big Arnie's got in Commando.

0:14:430:14:47

MIMICS MACHINE GUN

0:14:470:14:49

Right, that sounds like a great film.

0:14:490:14:52

Is that the one where he's got that funny wee twin?

0:14:520:14:54

-No, it's the film where he's got a big gun.

-Right, OK. Well, I'll tell you the best thing to do is...

0:14:540:15:00

er...I'll buzz you through and get your details, right?

0:15:000:15:03

OK. So, what's your name?

0:15:180:15:21

-Eddy.

-Eddy. Eddy what?

0:15:210:15:24

Just Eddy.

0:15:240:15:26

Right, like, er, Madonna or Sinitta. OK.

0:15:260:15:30

So, Eddy, did you have a budget in mind?

0:15:300:15:33

Aye. 50 cash...

0:15:330:15:35

(And 25 cheque?)

0:15:350:15:36

-And 25 cheque.

-I'm sure we'll be able to get you something for that.

0:15:360:15:39

-Now, is it a gift or is it for yourself?

-Just myself.

0:15:390:15:43

-Now it's just a matter of the money and three pieces of ID.

-I've no got three pieces of ID.

0:15:430:15:48

We will need that, or two and a note from your Mum. Right, I'll need to go home.

0:15:480:15:54

You pop home, get the documentation and we'll see you back here.

0:15:540:15:57

-What time do youse close at?

-Six sharp.

-Right. Keep it for us.

0:15:570:16:01

-Certainly, sir.

-Cheers, mate.

0:16:010:16:03

You should have said, "I'll be back." Doesnae matter.

0:16:030:16:06

BELL CLANGS

0:16:060:16:08

-All right, boys?

-All right.

0:16:120:16:14

O'Connell, where you going?

0:16:140:16:16

All right, we're here.

0:16:160:16:18

-What's the score?

-Nothing each. There's nae fire.

0:16:180:16:21

-What?

-There's nae fire.

0:16:210:16:23

You sure?

0:16:230:16:24

-Oh, no, there it is, over there. Do you see it?

-No.

0:16:240:16:29

Exactly. Cos there's nae smoke, there's nae fire.

0:16:290:16:33

This is clearly a wild duck chase.

0:16:330:16:35

THUMPING

0:16:350:16:37

GLASS SMASHES

0:16:370:16:39

Agh! It's hailstones!

0:16:390:16:41

Ambush! Everybody down.

0:16:410:16:45

I don't want to die. I'm too young.

0:16:450:16:47

-Shut up.

-I swear to God, if they chip the paint I'll be raging.

-METALLIC CLANGING

0:16:470:16:52

Jacko, get an ID on the sniper. Charlie, Adam, flank.

0:16:520:16:55

Come out, or we'll shoot all o' youse.

0:16:580:17:02

-Dinnae dae that again.

-Sorry.

0:17:040:17:06

Have ye no got your guns? Sorry.

0:17:060:17:08

Right, dinnae be silly.

0:17:080:17:11

Gary...

0:17:130:17:15

three o'clock. Bushes.

0:17:150:17:16

GARY WHISTLES

0:17:200:17:22

Oh, my God, this is amazing. Much better than a fire, eh?

0:17:270:17:31

SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

0:17:310:17:34

VARIOUS: Piss off!

0:17:370:17:39

Let me go, this is assault.

0:17:400:17:42

I'll get my dad to batter youse.

0:17:420:17:44

Fair dos. You tell him, three o'clock, school gates.

0:17:440:17:47

-What do you think you're doing, ya wee boot?

-Who are you callin'...?

-Calm down, please.

0:17:470:17:51

Why you saying please?

0:17:510:17:53

I just about got ma teeth knocked oot, and I need ma teeth. For chewing.

0:17:530:17:56

-We need to go north west from here, around from this point, avoiding...

-MOBILE RINGS

0:17:560:18:02

Hello, ChildLine.

0:18:020:18:04

No, Dad, it's me.

0:18:040:18:06

-It's my dad.

-ALL: Hello, Mr McLintoch.

0:18:060:18:09

Aye, good.

0:18:090:18:11

He's asking, were the sausage rolls good?

0:18:110:18:13

ALL: Oh, aye.

0:18:130:18:15

Shit. When did that happen?

0:18:150:18:19

-His cooker's broken.

-ALL: Aw.

0:18:190:18:22

-But he's OK.

-ALL CHEER

0:18:220:18:24

Right. But he's got to cook for the bowling club on Saturday.

0:18:240:18:28

ALL: Boo.

0:18:280:18:29

Right. But he's found a cooker advertised in the paper.

0:18:290:18:33

ALL CHEER

0:18:330:18:34

Right, you speak.

0:18:420:18:45

Ask if there's a gas cooker for sale. We check it, we get out of here.

0:18:450:18:49

Right, calm doon. Two minutes.

0:18:490:18:51

(It'll be fine.)

0:18:510:18:53

Can I help youse?

0:18:590:19:00

Em...we're here about the ad

0:19:000:19:03

-in the paper?

-I'm no into guys.

-Naw,

0:19:030:19:07

the cooker?

0:19:070:19:08

Charlie, dinnae. It's Julie. She's supposed to be at the bingo.

0:19:140:19:18

Maybe she won.

0:19:180:19:20

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

0:19:210:19:23

-Come on!

-Shut up!

0:19:230:19:25

LAUGHTER

0:19:250:19:27

-Gary, don't just stand there, help me, it's on fire.

-Put it doon, then.

0:19:280:19:32

-I cannae.

-Just put it doon.

0:19:320:19:34

See? I lit the candles in the car cos I wanted to open the box

0:19:370:19:40

and they'd be lit and it'd be exciting,

0:19:400:19:42

but then the box went on fire. That's why I was driving like that.

0:19:420:19:45

-I think it's really improved your driving.

-Shut up, Jacko, I hardly ever crash now.

0:19:450:19:51

Oh.

0:19:510:19:52

-Surprise!

-Oh, aye... Surprise!

0:19:520:19:55

-Surprise.

-What?

-Come on!

0:19:550:19:58

ALL: # Happy birthday to you

0:19:580:20:01

# Happy birthday to you... #

0:20:010:20:04

Charlie!

0:20:040:20:05

# Happy birthday, brilliant Gary

0:20:050:20:08

# Happy Birthday to you. #

0:20:080:20:13

Very tuneful. A lot like Songs Of Praise, but in praise of me.

0:20:140:20:19

-Bring it in, then.

-Right.

0:20:190:20:20

There's nae equipment concerns here in Iraq.

0:20:200:20:23

I mean, our camouflage is top notch.

0:20:230:20:25

-Aye, aye.

-Hiya.

-Morning.

0:20:250:20:28

Who said that?

0:20:290:20:31

So it's a 32-mile hike, leaving in 15 minutes

0:20:320:20:35

with an ETA of 0600 hours,

0:20:350:20:39

where the weather is currently a very pleasant ten degrees.

0:20:390:20:42

Corporal.

0:20:420:20:44

-Do you mind?

-Certainly.

0:20:440:20:46

OK. Here's the plan.

0:20:460:20:49

Now this walk in the dark and cold and rain is all very well and good,

0:20:490:20:54

but, em, Corporal, show me on the map where the downtown area is.

0:20:540:20:57

Erm... Well, the downtown area is here.

0:20:570:21:02

Thank you. And what's this area here?

0:21:020:21:06

-That's the high street.

-High street?

0:21:060:21:09

OK.

0:21:090:21:11

I'm instigating Operation Hell Yeah.

0:21:110:21:13

We'll leave, as the Corporal has outlined, in 15 minutes,

0:21:130:21:17

heading to this area here,

0:21:170:21:19

where you'll take me to a bar that serves hard liquor.

0:21:190:21:22

-But, General...

-Look into my eyes, soldier.

0:21:220:21:26

I'm General Randy Badger. Do you ken what that means?

0:21:260:21:30

-I do.

-It means I'm in charge and I'm changing the mission.

0:21:300:21:33

Now, we're going into town on Operation Hell Yeah.

0:21:330:21:36

You got a problem with that? Yes or ken?

0:21:360:21:39

Ken?

0:21:390:21:41

Good! Now...

0:21:410:21:43

scrape that shit off your faces and meet at the gate in 15 minutes

0:21:430:21:46

where a cab is waiting to take us to Pussyville!

0:21:460:21:50

What's no to understand?

0:21:520:21:53

Adam got you pregnant, that's your excuse for leaving the Army.

0:21:530:21:57

Right. So how did this happen?

0:21:570:21:58

Well, the man, he puts his...

0:21:580:22:01

Shut it, right? Just tell them it happened a few weeks ago.

0:22:010:22:04

-Where?

-What does it matter where?

0:22:040:22:07

-I need to know all the details in case she catches me out.

-The Daphne Centre. Disabled toilet.

0:22:070:22:12

-Aye.

-No way. What do you think I am?

0:22:120:22:14

I'm not even disabled, Adam.

0:22:140:22:16

No, in Paris.

0:22:160:22:20

-In Paris?

-Aye, aw, listen, it was really romantic. You took me for a meal,

0:22:200:22:23

a really expensive one, and we had champagne, and we went back to a five-star hotel,

0:22:230:22:28

to the penthouse suite, and that's where our beautiful baby, Daniel, was conceived.

0:22:280:22:33

-How do you know it's a boy?

-I've got a feeling.

0:22:330:22:35

-Trust me, a mother knows.

-Look, the bottom line is you're pregnant. He got you pregnant.

0:22:350:22:41

-That should be enough, right?

-Right.

-Let's do this.

0:22:410:22:43

-Er, what about Jacko?

-He wasnae there.

0:22:430:22:46

-I know, but I just think he'd be really annoyed if he finds out.

-That's why he's not to find out.

0:22:460:22:51

That's a good idea.

0:22:510:22:53

Yes. It is.

0:22:530:22:55

Well, well, lads, that was quick.

0:22:570:22:59

-Aye, we got here as soon as we could.

-You certainly did. What's this?

0:22:590:23:03

-That...is a cooker.

-There's no getting past you, eh?

0:23:030:23:06

It looks like a cooker to me too.

0:23:060:23:09

Aye, somebody must have left it.

0:23:090:23:11

Probably junkies.

0:23:110:23:13

Probably junkies, eh? What a strange thing to leave in the middle of a field on MoD-secured property.

0:23:130:23:18

Aye. They were probably so high they didn't even realise that you cannae plug in a cooker in a field.

0:23:180:23:24

-Unless you've got a really long extension lead that they probably stole from someone...

-Shut up.

0:23:240:23:30

Anyone got a better explanation for what this is doing here?

0:23:300:23:34

So, this cooker, appearing out the blue...

0:23:340:23:37

well, it could be deemed to be a security threat.

0:23:370:23:40

Naw. It's just a cooker.

0:23:400:23:42

Come, come, Corporal. You know how sneaky Al Qaeda can be.

0:23:420:23:47

Cookers, toasters, who knows how they'll strike next.

0:23:470:23:50

Well, lads, you know what to do.

0:23:500:23:52

-Secure the area!

-Naw, we cannae blow it up.

0:23:520:23:56

-I mean, what would we use?

-I wonder?

0:23:560:24:02

BAGPIPES PLAY: "We Will Rock You" by Queen

0:24:040:24:07

I do remember the first time they told us we were going out.

0:24:370:24:40

They had us in this, like, big hall

0:24:400:24:44

and the Major was there

0:24:440:24:46

with posh apples in his mouth and...er...he says, er...

0:24:460:24:51

"Right, lads, I've got some news you might be expecting."

0:24:510:24:55

And for some reason I heard this, right, and I leant into Jacko and I said,

0:24:560:25:02

I said, "I'm no pregnant," cos he'd said "expecting", ken, like...

0:25:020:25:08

A baby, you know that saying, right?

0:25:100:25:13

And it may not sound that funny, but Jacko started laughing.

0:25:130:25:16

Like, I thought he was going to piss himself, right. Like honestly, I really thought he was.

0:25:160:25:21

And the hall, it was that quiet and the Sarge, like our sarge,

0:25:210:25:25

was looking at us from the stage and cos he was laughing so much I started, right?

0:25:250:25:30

And I swear to God, I couldnae stop myself, right?

0:25:300:25:33

Every time I'd just about got it together, he would go, and that would start me off again.

0:25:330:25:37

So we're both there, like, trying to hold it in, right, but crying with laughter, right?

0:25:370:25:42

As this boy is saying to us...

0:25:420:25:45

we're going out to Iraq.

0:25:450:25:47

And then there's other laddies beside us, like, trying not to greet.

0:25:470:25:51

But it's that way, sometimes you've just got to laugh.

0:25:530:25:56

Especially if it's funny.

0:25:580:26:01

Where have you been?

0:26:050:26:06

I've been showing Rupert what a laugh the Army is.

0:26:060:26:09

Jacko, where's Rupert?

0:26:090:26:11

Don't know.

0:26:110:26:12

Probably out enjoying himself, Gary. You know what these students are like.

0:26:120:26:16

Is he deid?

0:26:160:26:18

-Naw.

-No, seriously though, is he deid?

0:26:180:26:21

No.

0:26:210:26:22

Hi. Yah, no, amazing.

0:26:220:26:25

Amazing lads. Yah. That Jacko...

0:26:250:26:28

Joker to the max, right?

0:26:280:26:31

Yah, yah, yah. Fantastic time, fantastic.

0:26:310:26:34

OK. OK, well, I'll see you at Chris...

0:26:340:26:37

Bye.

0:26:380:26:40

SCREAMING

0:26:410:26:44

I have diplomatic immunity. My hands can go wherever they want.

0:26:450:26:49

Do you ken who I am, son?

0:26:490:26:51

I'm General Randy Badger.

0:26:510:26:53

Sounds about right. There's nae touching. You're out.

0:26:530:26:56

-Don't you push me.

-Out ye go.

0:26:560:26:58

Och, well, er, that's our pal getting chucked oot. So, er...

0:26:580:27:03

I better head, but listen, it's been really good meeting you,

0:27:030:27:07

so thanks for that. See you later.

0:27:070:27:10

-You're barred.

-I don't even know what you're saying!

0:27:120:27:15

You son of a...

0:27:170:27:18

minger.

0:27:180:27:20

I'm a McBadger.

0:27:200:27:21

USA, USA! US...

0:27:210:27:24

Taxi!

0:27:240:27:26

The General just got in taxi.

0:27:320:27:35

That's fine, we'll just head back. He'll be all right, eh?

0:27:350:27:39

Aye, he's a General.

0:27:390:27:40

General Randy Bugger.

0:27:400:27:43

THEY LAUGH AND CHEER

0:27:430:27:45

Right, 'mon.

0:27:460:27:47

-Target in range.

-Confirmed.

0:27:490:27:51

-Lock on target.

-Target locked.

0:27:510:27:55

-Prepare to fire.

-Ready.

0:27:550:27:56

Sorry, Dad.

0:27:560:27:59

Fire!

0:27:590:28:01

Two minutes till it's no' your birthday.

0:28:070:28:09

-Mmm.

-Any last words?

0:28:090:28:12

# Happy birthday

0:28:160:28:18

# Happy birthday

0:28:180:28:20

# Dum-dum-da-da-da-da. #

0:28:200:28:22

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:500:28:53

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:530:28:56

Gary returns with the best of the best action from series one. Featuring Gary and the boys showing an American General a good time, being attacked by little girls during a fire strike and buying a cooker from a man in a dress, all tied together with a top selection of flashbacks from the front.


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