Best of Gary Gary: Tank Commander

-Well, lads, last day of the holiday.

-CHEERING

Charlie, what's been your favourite bit?

I liked the water park.

-Er, Jacko?

-The nightclubs.

Oh, aye, they were good. Adam?

-The birds.

-Ah, well, for me, it has to have been the weather.

Check out this tan. That's not going to fade in a hurry, is it?

LAUGHTER

I suppose in some ways it is weird

that...kind of like, one minute you're in a war zone

and then...next minute you're hame and that's that.

And in some ways,

it is a bit like coming back from a holiday,

cos I've got...

I've got colour about me - you cannae say I dinnae, cos I do...

Quite broon.

But that's a perk of the job.

In another way, it's no like coming back from holiday cos I've no been on holiday,

I've been at work.

So...in a way, I suppose it feels like I'm just in from work,

except it took ages to get hame.

Like, I suppose it's that way, I'm a bit like...

an international travelling salesman,

except I dinnae sell anything and I'm in the Army.

Morning, morning.

You will report to recruitment at 0800 hours at the Daphne Centre.

But we're just back.

You'll be able to answer the questions from the young wannabe Rambos.

-What, about hot tents and scorpions?

-It's just one day, so suck it up, eh?

I cannae wait(!)

What about him? Excuse me, excuse me.

Sorry, nothing, I just wanted to say that is a really nice jacket.

That is a really...

The collar, the jeans, and... Have a great day, pal, all right?

I mean, it's a start, but I do think you'd need to be able to do more than one press-up.

But thanks.

If you are due in court tomorrow, you would need to go.

Army? Nah.

Army?

Nah? Army?

Nah?

Windsurfing? Nah.

OK, lads. Listen up.

I've just been talking to the Captain.

Has anyone seen my, erm...? Ah.

Chaps, at ease.

Er... The firemen. Strike. You've heard. I'm was just saying,

seeing as you're the chaps that drive the...em...

-Tank?

-Yeah. You should be in charge of the...er...

So to outline, I shall leave you once again in the capable hands of Sergeant...um...

to get you in the very best of fire-fighting...

Good.

-Thank you very much, Captain. That was superb.

-Carry on.

Now, lads. The boys and larger ladies of the Fire Service

fancy a few days off to count their wonga. So we, the fifth emergency service, will be stepping in

to provide fire support cover over the strike period.

As of tomorrow, we are expected to be on standby for all 999 emergency calls.

Questions.

Yes, Corporal?

Is it true that 95% of fires are caused by chips?

No, but it is true that 95% of stupid questions result in a baw' booting.

Now get a move on!

Um...

Ah.

Don't laugh at his name, Gary. It's just a wee furry animal.

Just think about Countdown.

At ease, Corporal...er... McLine-Tock?

-Yes, sir.

-General Randy Badger. Thanks for meeting me.

-That's all right, I was told I had to.

-That's what a good soldier does - follows orders. So, where to?

Er...out the front.

Do you trust me, soldier?

-Yes, General.

-Good, cos it's all about trust.

Because you, Corporal, are an integral component to the success of my mission.

-What's your mission, sir?

-Cross International Home Station Strategic Planning.

-That sounds brilliant.

-It does, doesn't it?

I'm going to be examining what you boys do when you're stationed at home and not in the heat.

All right, aye. When we're at home in the house, and it's cold.

Aye, ken what you mean.

-What's that? You "ken"? What's that word?

-Oh, sorry, General,

that's like a Scottish word that means...erm...to like...erm...ken?

-Like to ken?

-Explain yourself, soldier.

Erm, to know someone, or something.

OK. So to ken is to know?

Aye, like to ken someone is to know them.

Do you ken them?

-Who, General?

-No, no, I mean, is that right?

-As in, you can ken someone.

-Aye, that's right.

Aye is yes.

I ken that.

-Correct, General.

-This is good.

At ease, chaps. Now, as Sergeant may have said,

my younger brother Rupert is at university in St Andrews.

Bit of a big, you know, in the OTC,

and he's organised a debate. You will go and...er... Sergeant.

Yes. As the Captain has so succinctly outlined,

you will be representing the Army,

-adopting our official stance on the recent conflict.

-Yes. Very good, Sergeant.

Carry on.

This is the arena.

You guys will be here, I'll be sat there, and your opponent Millie will be there.

Now...

that is what we're up against.

-Nae bother.

-Ah, oui, oui, pas de probleme.

Is she Spanish?

-No.

-Er...Scottish?

English.

-Right...

-A tout a l'heure. A bientot. Au revoir.

Sorry about that. Millie. Nice to meet you.

-Gary. This is Jacko.

-All right.

-Hi.

-Rupert was just saying, erm, you're English.

-Guilty as charged.

-Scottish, I presume?

-Och, aye.

How exciting. North versus south.

Yes. Hope you're ready for the North to whip your arse.

-You don't have a whip with you, do you, Corporal?

-Er, no.

Just a gun.

-That's a joke.

-Yes, I know. OK.

If you'll excuse me, I'll go and steel myself to take on the might of the British Army.

-Well, may the best man win.

-Person.

Er, naw. Man.

SNIGGERING

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

The greatest skill I've learned in the Army

has to be...getting things right.

I think the Army makes you get things right cos if you don't,

they're no happy.

And I ken you might be thinking, "What about Iraq and that?"

but you see that's different, cos,

see, we did what we were told, and that was right.

You do what you're told in the Army, see, right?

Whereas the Government told the Army what to dae,

so then if anyone was wrong, it was them.

But then the public

voted in the Government, so then they were wrong to do that.

So, actually, Iraq and that is the public's fault.

Although they won't admit it.

But it's true.

Right, lads. These oil drums represent two oil tankers

-which have crashed on a busy motorway.

-Aye, I see that.

The medical services have removed the injured drivers,

-but a danger remains...which is?

-They've missed something in the X-ray

-and they die later of complications?

-Not quite, Dr Finlay.

-Petrol tank's ruptured and it's going to explode.

-Nae need.

Correct. Kenning, Smith, take these matches and go and re-live your youth.

Putting out two oil drums wi' a 1950s converted ice-cream van -

watch oot Al Qaeda.

Hose ready!

Stand firm!

-Water on!

-Go!

Hurry up! Get it on!

Charlie, turn it on!

71...

72...73...

Corporal!

Come on!

That was quick.

Did you, er, manage to feel your forefathers?

More than I could have imagined.

I just walked, took it in.

I know it sounds strange, but...

I felt my forefathers.

For a moment there...

..I really felt...

I was a McBadger.

Well, that's good, then.

Sir, are you all right?

It's just being here.

It feels like home.

It's beautiful!

Oh, jeez, man!

We're the same, Corporal.

I'm the same as you.

I'm Scotch!

I don't care how you dress this salad up, it's always been about oil.

Well, even if it was always aboot oil, Milleh, we've made that salad.

We've chopped the lettuce, the cucumber, we've put the lettuce in,

and we've put as much salad cream in as possible, so to put oil on it now would just ruin it.

OK, guys, I'm going to have to ask you to make your closing statements. Corporal.

Em...well...

All I would say is that to anyone who has ever cooked anything,

sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnae.

Sometimes it's nice and sometimes it makes you sick

and sometimes you have seconds, right?

But for those of you that think that we, the Army, made a meal of Iraq,

well, maybe you should stop eating microwave meals and try cooking something from scratch,

cos I'm telling you, it's a lot mair difficult.

Thanks for listening!

-Other hand.

-Oh.

What's the rush? You late for work?

-Nope.

-Why are you running?

-Wouldn't you like to know?

-No, I don't have to.

-Let me gi' you a hint. I've joined the Army. This is me in training.

-What are you talking about?

-I came to see you and met Major Spitter.

-Splitter.

-She said to join,

-so like a good soldier I followed orders and signed up.

-This isnae happening.

-It is.

-She says you get to go windsurfing.

-When was the last time you seen soldiers

-attacking a country windsurfing?

-No for ages.

Try never.

-She said that joining would give me a purpose.

-You work in the baker's!

But I hate it, Gary, it gets too hot. I want to go to Iraq. I want to be wi' you and Jacko.

We're finished with Iraq. Well, maybe. Afghanistan's hotter than the baker's,

a lot hotter. And besides, that's only if you got posted with us.

-You could end up somewhere much worse. Germany.

-Don't say that.

You cannae sign up, your brother would kill me.

-Is that what you want?

-Jacko'll no mind. He would, but I think it'll be a laugh.

Julie, do you know what Afghanistan means?

Does it mean hello?

# You can brush my hair

# Undress me everywhere

# Imagination

# Life is your creation

# Come on, Barbie, let's go party

# Ah, ah, ah, yeah

# Come on, Barbie, let's go party

# Ooh, ooh, ooh

# Come on, Barbie, let's go party.

# Ah, ah, ah, yeah

# Come on, Barbie, let's go party

# Ooh, ooh, ooh. #

If I was going to give any advice to someone

that was going into the Army,

it would have to be...

just enjoy yourself.

I mean, it's no all a bed of chocolates, right,

but see if you like early starts,

getting shouted at, being shot at, fighting abroad, cleaning and ironing,

it really is the best job in the world.

BUZZER

-Can I help you?

-Aye.

-We're after a gun.

-A gun?

Aye, a gun.

You never heard of them?

-Aye. What kind of gun?

-Whit?

Gun. What kind of gun? There's loads of them.

-I thought that's what you wanted.

-Aye. What have you got?

-Er...

got a hand gun, machine gun, laser gun...

-Laser gun?

-No, that's just a wee joke.

Oh, right. I want one like big Arnie's got in Commando.

MIMICS MACHINE GUN

Right, that sounds like a great film.

Is that the one where he's got that funny wee twin?

-No, it's the film where he's got a big gun.

-Right, OK. Well, I'll tell you the best thing to do is...

er...I'll buzz you through and get your details, right?

OK. So, what's your name?

-Eddy.

-Eddy. Eddy what?

Just Eddy.

Right, like, er, Madonna or Sinitta. OK.

So, Eddy, did you have a budget in mind?

Aye. 50 cash...

(And 25 cheque?)

-And 25 cheque.

-I'm sure we'll be able to get you something for that.

-Now, is it a gift or is it for yourself?

-Just myself.

-Now it's just a matter of the money and three pieces of ID.

-I've no got three pieces of ID.

We will need that, or two and a note from your Mum. Right, I'll need to go home.

You pop home, get the documentation and we'll see you back here.

-What time do youse close at?

-Six sharp.

-Right. Keep it for us.

-Certainly, sir.

-Cheers, mate.

You should have said, "I'll be back." Doesnae matter.

BELL CLANGS

-All right, boys?

-All right.

O'Connell, where you going?

All right, we're here.

-What's the score?

-Nothing each. There's nae fire.

-What?

-There's nae fire.

You sure?

-Oh, no, there it is, over there. Do you see it?

-No.

Exactly. Cos there's nae smoke, there's nae fire.

This is clearly a wild duck chase.

THUMPING

GLASS SMASHES

Agh! It's hailstones!

Ambush! Everybody down.

I don't want to die. I'm too young.

-Shut up.

-I swear to God, if they chip the paint I'll be raging.

-METALLIC CLANGING

Jacko, get an ID on the sniper. Charlie, Adam, flank.

Come out, or we'll shoot all o' youse.

-Dinnae dae that again.

-Sorry.

Have ye no got your guns? Sorry.

Right, dinnae be silly.

Gary...

three o'clock. Bushes.

GARY WHISTLES

Oh, my God, this is amazing. Much better than a fire, eh?

SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

VARIOUS: Piss off!

Let me go, this is assault.

I'll get my dad to batter youse.

Fair dos. You tell him, three o'clock, school gates.

-What do you think you're doing, ya wee boot?

-Who are you callin'...?

-Calm down, please.

Why you saying please?

I just about got ma teeth knocked oot, and I need ma teeth. For chewing.

-We need to go north west from here, around from this point, avoiding...

-MOBILE RINGS

Hello, ChildLine.

No, Dad, it's me.

-It's my dad.

-ALL: Hello, Mr McLintoch.

Aye, good.

He's asking, were the sausage rolls good?

ALL: Oh, aye.

Shit. When did that happen?

-His cooker's broken.

-ALL: Aw.

-But he's OK.

-ALL CHEER

Right. But he's got to cook for the bowling club on Saturday.

ALL: Boo.

Right. But he's found a cooker advertised in the paper.

ALL CHEER

Right, you speak.

Ask if there's a gas cooker for sale. We check it, we get out of here.

Right, calm doon. Two minutes.

(It'll be fine.)

Can I help youse?

Em...we're here about the ad

-in the paper?

-I'm no into guys.

-Naw,

the cooker?

Charlie, dinnae. It's Julie. She's supposed to be at the bingo.

Maybe she won.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

-Come on!

-Shut up!

LAUGHTER

-Gary, don't just stand there, help me, it's on fire.

-Put it doon, then.

-I cannae.

-Just put it doon.

See? I lit the candles in the car cos I wanted to open the box

and they'd be lit and it'd be exciting,

but then the box went on fire. That's why I was driving like that.

-I think it's really improved your driving.

-Shut up, Jacko, I hardly ever crash now.

Oh.

-Surprise!

-Oh, aye... Surprise!

-Surprise.

-What?

-Come on!

ALL: # Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you... #

Charlie!

# Happy birthday, brilliant Gary

# Happy Birthday to you. #

Very tuneful. A lot like Songs Of Praise, but in praise of me.

-Bring it in, then.

-Right.

There's nae equipment concerns here in Iraq.

I mean, our camouflage is top notch.

-Aye, aye.

-Hiya.

-Morning.

Who said that?

So it's a 32-mile hike, leaving in 15 minutes

with an ETA of 0600 hours,

where the weather is currently a very pleasant ten degrees.

Corporal.

-Do you mind?

-Certainly.

OK. Here's the plan.

Now this walk in the dark and cold and rain is all very well and good,

but, em, Corporal, show me on the map where the downtown area is.

Erm... Well, the downtown area is here.

Thank you. And what's this area here?

-That's the high street.

-High street?

OK.

I'm instigating Operation Hell Yeah.

We'll leave, as the Corporal has outlined, in 15 minutes,

heading to this area here,

where you'll take me to a bar that serves hard liquor.

-But, General...

-Look into my eyes, soldier.

I'm General Randy Badger. Do you ken what that means?

-I do.

-It means I'm in charge and I'm changing the mission.

Now, we're going into town on Operation Hell Yeah.

You got a problem with that? Yes or ken?

Ken?

Good! Now...

scrape that shit off your faces and meet at the gate in 15 minutes

where a cab is waiting to take us to Pussyville!

What's no to understand?

Adam got you pregnant, that's your excuse for leaving the Army.

Right. So how did this happen?

Well, the man, he puts his...

Shut it, right? Just tell them it happened a few weeks ago.

-Where?

-What does it matter where?

-I need to know all the details in case she catches me out.

-The Daphne Centre. Disabled toilet.

-Aye.

-No way. What do you think I am?

I'm not even disabled, Adam.

No, in Paris.

-In Paris?

-Aye, aw, listen, it was really romantic. You took me for a meal,

a really expensive one, and we had champagne, and we went back to a five-star hotel,

to the penthouse suite, and that's where our beautiful baby, Daniel, was conceived.

-How do you know it's a boy?

-I've got a feeling.

-Trust me, a mother knows.

-Look, the bottom line is you're pregnant. He got you pregnant.

-That should be enough, right?

-Right.

-Let's do this.

-Er, what about Jacko?

-He wasnae there.

-I know, but I just think he'd be really annoyed if he finds out.

-That's why he's not to find out.

That's a good idea.

Yes. It is.

Well, well, lads, that was quick.

-Aye, we got here as soon as we could.

-You certainly did. What's this?

-That...is a cooker.

-There's no getting past you, eh?

It looks like a cooker to me too.

Aye, somebody must have left it.

Probably junkies.

Probably junkies, eh? What a strange thing to leave in the middle of a field on MoD-secured property.

Aye. They were probably so high they didn't even realise that you cannae plug in a cooker in a field.

-Unless you've got a really long extension lead that they probably stole from someone...

-Shut up.

Anyone got a better explanation for what this is doing here?

So, this cooker, appearing out the blue...

well, it could be deemed to be a security threat.

Naw. It's just a cooker.

Come, come, Corporal. You know how sneaky Al Qaeda can be.

Cookers, toasters, who knows how they'll strike next.

Well, lads, you know what to do.

-Secure the area!

-Naw, we cannae blow it up.

-I mean, what would we use?

-I wonder?

BAGPIPES PLAY: "We Will Rock You" by Queen

I do remember the first time they told us we were going out.

They had us in this, like, big hall

and the Major was there

with posh apples in his mouth and...er...he says, er...

"Right, lads, I've got some news you might be expecting."

And for some reason I heard this, right, and I leant into Jacko and I said,

I said, "I'm no pregnant," cos he'd said "expecting", ken, like...

A baby, you know that saying, right?

And it may not sound that funny, but Jacko started laughing.

Like, I thought he was going to piss himself, right. Like honestly, I really thought he was.

And the hall, it was that quiet and the Sarge, like our sarge,

was looking at us from the stage and cos he was laughing so much I started, right?

And I swear to God, I couldnae stop myself, right?

Every time I'd just about got it together, he would go, and that would start me off again.

So we're both there, like, trying to hold it in, right, but crying with laughter, right?

As this boy is saying to us...

we're going out to Iraq.

And then there's other laddies beside us, like, trying not to greet.

But it's that way, sometimes you've just got to laugh.

Especially if it's funny.

Where have you been?

I've been showing Rupert what a laugh the Army is.

Jacko, where's Rupert?

Don't know.

Probably out enjoying himself, Gary. You know what these students are like.

Is he deid?

-Naw.

-No, seriously though, is he deid?

No.

Hi. Yah, no, amazing.

Amazing lads. Yah. That Jacko...

Joker to the max, right?

Yah, yah, yah. Fantastic time, fantastic.

OK. OK, well, I'll see you at Chris...

Bye.

SCREAMING

I have diplomatic immunity. My hands can go wherever they want.

Do you ken who I am, son?

I'm General Randy Badger.

Sounds about right. There's nae touching. You're out.

-Don't you push me.

-Out ye go.

Och, well, er, that's our pal getting chucked oot. So, er...

I better head, but listen, it's been really good meeting you,

so thanks for that. See you later.

-You're barred.

-I don't even know what you're saying!

You son of a...

minger.

I'm a McBadger.

USA, USA! US...

Taxi!

The General just got in taxi.

That's fine, we'll just head back. He'll be all right, eh?

Aye, he's a General.

General Randy Bugger.

THEY LAUGH AND CHEER

Right, 'mon.

-Target in range.

-Confirmed.

-Lock on target.

-Target locked.

-Prepare to fire.

-Ready.

Sorry, Dad.

Fire!

Two minutes till it's no' your birthday.

-Mmm.

-Any last words?

# Happy birthday

# Happy birthday

# Dum-dum-da-da-da-da. #

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