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# I don't want a lot for Christmas There is just one thing I need... #
-Stacey Shipman, telephone call.
Telephone call for Stacey Shipman.
What did they say? Were they nice? D'you think you got it?
Which of those do you want me to answer first?
-The last one. D'you think you got it?
-Yeah, I do.
-Well, 'cos at the end of the interview, they offered me the job!
They want me to start January 5th.
Oh, my God! Right. Well, you're gonna have to go and talk to Ness. Get it over with.
-I'm going straight there. She's on the island?
-You can't miss her.
All right, calm it down, all right?
-All right, Dave?
-Oh, I'm not being funny but don't call me Dave in front of the punters, all right?
So what's going on? I thought we were coming to you.
-Yeah. You are, it's just...
-Bear with me, Gav. Oh. Emlyn.
In you go.
-Sorry, you were saying?
-I'm in a bit of a rush. I need a word with Nessa.
She's working - it's a busy time of year, you know.
I literally need two minutes with her.
OK but you're gonna have to queue. And it's two quid.
-Dave, I just...
-But you will get a gift.
-I don't really want a gift.
I don't think anyone does, Gav.
They're not much cop if truth be told and we've had a lot of complaints. I tell you what,
I'll let you in for a pound if you're leaving the gift.
-Oh, my Christ.
-Get out! Get out!
-Turn around, do not come in, Mick.
Look, I just want to get to the kitchen!
Well, do not look anywhere in my direction.
Michael, I mean it!
-I won't look at what you're wrapping.
-How do you know I'm wrapping?!
-Turn around. You'll ruin it.
-I don't want to ruin it.
I want the surprise. I'm looking forward to it.
Well, stop trying to ruin it then!
Right, you can look now.
I thought we were only having little presents this year anyway?
I know and I've done you a stocking.
But when I saw this I just had to get it 'cos I fell in love with it.
Just like you fell in love with me.
Oh no, I fell in love with it much more than you.
Now, have a look at this little lady.
Bootiful, that is. Bootiful.
This is a Norfolk Kerry Bronze, Pam.
Hand-reared, free range. It's better than organic.
Every year, this love affair with the bloody bird.
What I'm saying is, it died happy and it's gonna taste
all the better for it. Shame you can't have any.
-Well, no, because I've thought this through.
-What do you mean?
I'm having the turkey.
But they all think you're a vegetarian.
I know but I've decided there's no way I'm doing Christmas without my Michael's turkey. No way, blase.
So, I'm just gonna plate myself up, sit down and tuck in.
And I'm having stuffing, pigs in blankets, the lot.
And when the inevitable questions come, which they will, Michael, I shall simply say, I'm sorry,
it's Christmas, please let me eat my dinner in peace
the way Jesus would have wanted me to, on his birthday.
Oi, Gav, get in the grotto. Oh.
-Cheers, Dave... Rudolph.
Bear with me Gav, I'm working.
O. O. O. Merry Christmas.
-Did you send me a letter?
That's right, I remember. What was it you asked me for again?
-That's right, I remember. Now you're Sue's boy, is that right?
-And Tony's your step?
Nasty business, all that.
-Your dad's due for parole? Will he be out for Christmas?
No. Probably for the best.
Given the amount of people that eventually came forward.
Now, I don't want to disappoint you but I reckon the Xbox is a bit pie in the sky, like.
You'd be better off lowering your expectations.
I'm thinking Sega Mega Drive, maybe a PlayStation 1.
But when you opens it, try and looked surprised.
Cos your mother's been through enough this year without you sulking all over the shop.
Now, here's a gift from me and Rudolph. Be on your way.
All right, Gav, what's appertaining?
Oh, Rudolph. How's the boy?
-He's fine, Father.
No, thanks. Look, what it is...
Oh, Gav. I'm not being funny, you've gotta sit on the knee.
-It's the rules.
Don't worry, I've been checked. I'm not on the register.
Look, it's a bit delicate.
Go for it.
-I've been offered a job. In Cardiff.
It's with the same company and it's only for six months... Well, I say same company...
-Oh, Gav, spare me the details, where to you going with this?
I hope you won't take this the wrong way but we were wondering
how you'd feel about letting Stace have her room back?
It's just we don't know how it's gonna work out and there's no point us getting a place...
-Leave it with me.
Can me and Neil move in the caravan with you? Gav's got a job.
-He needs the room at Gwen's.
-Sure thing, sugar tits.
Done and dusted, kippers and custard. Now, I gotta get on.
-Here's your gift.
-Actually, Ness, he's not eligible for the gift. He only paid a pound.
-We'll see you tonight down Essex.
-You coming with us on the bus?
Nah, I've got the car. I gotta get back cos there's wrapping to do...
Oh, Gav. It's not all about you and I got other kids to see.
-Now be on your way.
# It's Christmas time
# There's no need to be afraid
# At Christmas time
# We let in light And we banish shade
# But in our world of plenty... #
Oh, come on, dickhead!
# ..smile of joy
# Throw your arms... # Oh, just go, mate!
# ..at Christmas time... #
# But say a prayer Pray for the other ones... #
# At Christmas time
# It's hard but when you're having fun... #
# There's a world outside your window... #
-Come on, sing it!
-# A world of dread and fear...
-# Where the only water...
# Is the bitter sting...
# ..of tears
# And the Christmas bells that ring there
# Are the clanging chimes of...
-# Doom, it's doom
-Well tonight, thank God it's them...
# Instead of you... #
-Oh, my God!
-That is a great song.
-A modern Christmas classic.
-Geldof at his best.
-Don't forget Majure. Always gets overlooked.
-Do you mean Midge Ure?
-That's what I said, Majure.
-It's not one word. It's two. Midge Ure.
Is it? I thought it was Majure. Like majure cheddar.
Look, anyway, why have you left me six messages?
-Because it's Christmas!
How's the shopping going?
I ain't started. I overslept.
-Who've you got to get for.
-Everyone I know. Where are you?
Erm, I'm just leaving work.
Are you? I'm just around the corner. I'll come and meet you.
No, no, no, it's OK. You've got your shopping to do.
You can help me. I've got time - two hours.
-Well, you can't come here anyway.
-Why? What's going on?
-Er, I've got your present in the car.
-What you got me?
-I'm not saying.
-Oh, go on, I'll still act surprised in front of Stacey.
-Is it clothes?
-Can I eat it?
-I know what it is.
-I'm not saying.
-Go on, say.
-No, you have to guess.
-Well, you wouldn't tell me.
-OK, I can live with that.
-Oh, just tell me!
-No. Look, I gotta go.
-I'll see you tonight.
-All right. What time do you want me there?
-Er, any time, really.
-You're a really good mate. You know that, don't you.
-You're so gay!
Laters. # ..Feed the world
# Let them know it's Christmas time
# Feed the world
# Let them know it's Christmas time
# Feed the... #
-Hiya, luv, come in!
-I won't stop, I've got a million things to do.
I just wanted to give you this.
Oh, thanks, Gwen. Did you like the talc?
Well, I've not opened it yet. I was keeping it for Christmas Day.
Well, it's talc, it is.
Right, I'll be off then.
Bye, luv. See you tomorrow.
-See you, Gwen.
-How's it all going?
-He's good as gold he is, Gwen.
I'm meeting his mother tomorrow, spending the day with them.
-Oh, I know Alison, we were in Guides together.
Happy Christmas Eve, one and all!
-That's a big one, Bryn.
Phew! We're only there for two days but I've got all the presents, haven't I?
-Well, there'll be plenty of room on the bus.
-Now. Nessa and Dave.
-What's their ETA? Estimated time of arrival?
Well, in that case, there's plenty of time for a glass of this.
Doris, will you join us in a mint Baileys for Christmas?
I won't, Bryn.
I've been drinking all day.
I'm drunk now if the truth be told.
The thing with Scott is, he's a bit of a pot-head, he is.
He loves his skunk and he's been trying to get me to have a go.
Well, the thing is, I did all that back in the '60s.
-Happy memories, eh?
I know, and I said to him, you knock yourself out, luv, but I'm sticking to the wine.
Well, that was 10 o'clock this morning and to tell you the truth, Gwen, I'm absolutely twatted.
Well, that's what Christmas is all about, isn't it?
-Are you all right?
-No, that really hurt...
-What you doing here?
-Right, I've got an hour to do all my presents and I need your discount. What is it? 60, 70%?
-That'll have to do.
-It's a sackable offence to share our discount.
-What's the point of working here then?!
-What do you need?
Talc for Nana Joyce, talc for Jackie Collins.
-My other nan. She's called Jackie Collins.
-Talc. Really? Talc?
-Well, y'know, bath shit.
We've got some lovely bath shit quite cheap.
Dream. Jumper for Mum or a blouse or a skirt or a pair of shoes or a hat.
-Already got a CD for Rudi, I just need some underwear for Lucy.
So are you two definitely back together then?
I'm hoping the present will swing it. I've got a Tiffany bracelet and My Little Pony.
-She collects them. Them and Sylvanian Families.
-OK. Well, are you thinking thong or full pants or what?
-I dunno really.
-Not full pants.
-Well, the thong is like this,
goes right up. Or you've got something like this, which shows a bit of bum cheek.
Or see these ones I'm wearing, these are from here.
You'd never know. They're lush! See the bit of detailing?
Yeah, I mean that's... Something like that's fine.
Now what about a bra? Do you want something comfy or sluttish?
-I honestly don't know.
-Well, do you want to uplift them like this...
or push 'em in like this?
-That one. The second one.
-I got you! Come with me.
I'm worried about this bird, y'know.
-I dunno. The water,
the bucket, the soaking, all this other nonsense.
But if it's what Nigella says.
Yeah, and Pete says it's fabulous, but I'm just not confident.
Not with so many eating with us.
-I should've stuck with Jamie Oliver. I know where I am with him.
-Oh, look at that, "From John".
What a waste of a tree.
John who? John Rotary?
I don't know, Mick. It could be mechanic John,
John with the glasses...
it won't be John from Ann and John.
What about John Snape? It could be John Snape.
Could be. Yeah, it'll be John Snape.
Yeah, peppercorns, peppercorns, Pam. How many's a handful? Ten?
No, more than that.
That's John Snape!
What is the point of sending cards that arrive on Christmas Eve?
They'll get taken down in a few days.
That's why I send all mine on the first of November.
Gives people seven weeks to enjoy them.
-Oh, here they are!
THEY GOBBLE LIKE TURKEYS
-Pam, that's a chicken, you silly mare!
-So come on, where is she?
-She's in the garage, come on, let's go and get her.
-What do I owe you, Mick?
£56! Bloody hell, Pam.
It is a nice one though, Dawn.
It's a Norfolk Kerry Bronze.
-I know, but there's only the four of us.
-What about Pete's mum?
She barely eats, poor love.
She might have a bit of mashed up banana but that's about it.
-Ah, where is she now?
-We put her to bed.
-Couple of Nitol, she'll be out of it till the morning.
Pete's got one of them alarm things, you know, so she wakes up,
she just pulls a cord, he'll be round there like a shot.
Did you get a card from John?
John? Oh, it was your John, step-brother John!
-Does he just write, "From John"?
Do you know, he's been to Nepal three times!
Dawn, she is a beauty!
-It was Dawn's John! Step-brother, John.
Were you confused 'cos he just writes, "From John,"?
-You know, he's been to Nepal three times.
MISTLETOE AND WINE PLAYS ON TV
Gosh. That is nice.
You think you've tried it all, you think there can't possibly
be anywhere else to go with it, and then they come up with this.
I mean, what will they think of next?
-I know. It's like the white Toblerone
-Can you get white Toblerones?
-Yes. I've got some for tomorrow.
-Well, I for one can't wait!
Not just for the Toblerone, but for the whole thing.
Do you know this will be my first Christmas outside of South Wales?
-Here they are.
Merry Christmas to you all.
-How did you get on today?
-I reckon we cleared about 70 quid.
Any more complaints about the gifts?
-One or two but that's par for the course.
-Where is he?
Oh, look! Hello, my lovely. You gonna come to your Aunty Gwen?
Cheers, Gwen. I'm going down the back for a smoke.
-All right, love.
Christmas in Essex here we come!
-They've started early.
They work in Dixons, they do.
-Did you get Nessa's present?
-Yes. I got her some goalkeeping gloves.
-Yeah. Sondicos they are, Gav.
-Would she want a pair of them?
She's thinking about getting back to it.
-She used to coach at Coventry City. Still good friends with Steve Ogrizovic.
Come on, then. Let's get a move on.
-Don't I get a kiss?
-No, you haven't got any mistletoe.
-I have, but it's in my pants.
-Well done on the job, babes.
-Have you told your dad yet?
-Do you think your mum will be OK?
-What about Smithy?
He'll never speak to me again.
Now you've got to be careful on this next level.
You think they're gonna come at you from the back of the truck and suddenly they come round the wall.
I got you. Oh, Gwen. How's the baby?
Oh, he's fine, love.
He's enjoying the massage, he is.
-Dave, you just let us know when you want to get going.
I just needed a break from the driving, you know.
I'm not sure about this, Pete.
Have I put it in too early?
What harm's it gonna do? It's only a bucket of water, Mick.
There's cinnamon and all sorts in there.
I won't be putting mine in till I go to bed.
What? Oh, don't say that. Right, I'm gonna take it out.
-Yeah, take it out. Put it back in later.
Right, Dawn, we have got to go. This has gone off four times now.
She'll be OK. What's the worst that could happen?
-She's locked in.
-I just think I should check, that's all.
Well, you go then, and come back later when the Barry lot've arrived.
All right. Well, I'll just finish this.
-No, I've really got to go.
-All right, my love.
Mick? I'm just gonna check on my mum.
-I'll be back in a bit.
-She does my head in.
-Hello, you two.
-Hiya. Happy Christmas.
I just gotta check on my mum.
-Hi, Gav, hi, Stace.
-You fancy some bubbly?
-How'd you get on?
-I got it!
-Oh, come here.
Well done, mate. How do you feel?
Well, good, I think.
But what about Mum? And Smithy?
Listen, it's all gonna be all right.
Should I wait till after Christmas to say?
What's the point? Tell 'em tonight. They've got all of Christmas then to get used to it.
What are you two whispering about?
-Oh, it's like he's got another woman, Gav.
I'm gonna open some more wine.
-Pamela! Noel! Noel!
God rest ye merry gentlemen.
Get in here now! Dawn Cheadle, star of Ocean's 11 and 12!
Somewhat overlooked in 13. When the hell are we getting it on?
-Ooh, someone's been on the booze.
-Where's Pete? Where's P Diddly?
-He's gone to check on his mum.
-Not locking her in this Christmas?
-It's Christmas, Gav.
My son's on his way down. Spending my first Christmas with my boy.
Unfortunately his mother and boyfriend are coming too. Plus,
Mick's doing some Nigella shit with that turkey that I cannot WAIT to get inside me!
Come on, Eileen!
Chinese Alan's got two tickets for the West Ham game. 3rd Feb.
-I said we'd be up for it.
-Yeah, great, definitely.
Mid-week game, under the lights.
Is it? Let's see nearer the time.
Shall I stick my presents under the tree?
-What've you got?!
-Didn't have no wrapping paper. So I used tin foil.
But it's actually a dream, cos you need no sellotape.
You just scrunch and done.
Right, let's get this party started. Who's for a beveragey?
Ooh. I've got it.
Le Gavlar Residence.
All right. What's occurring?
Oh, hey. You all right?
How you doing? How's Neil?
He's all right. He's been a bit sick, he has.
Oh, my God, is he OK?
He's fine. It's completely normal.
-We'll be there in an hour. All right?
Just want to make sure Pam keeps us some food, like.
Yeah. I'm sure it will be fine.
-Right, I'll see you then.
-Who was that?
-Them lot. They'll be here in an hour.
Ooh! Better get me quiches in!
-Was that Smithy?
-How is he? All right?
Turn it up, Dave. I love Chris Rea.
# And it's been so long
# But I will be there I sing this song
# To pass the time away
# Driving in my car
# Driving home from Christmas
# It's gonna take some time
# But I'll get there
# Top to toe in tailbacks
# Oh, I got red lights all around
# But soon there'll be a freeway Yeah
# He's driving home, driving home
# Driving home for Christmas... #
..Absolutely covered in the stuff.
Oh, my God. It's them. They're here! They're here.
It's them. Oh, my god.
-Bryn's got mistletoe!
-Where is he? Where's my boy?
-Hang on. Not till you've done the mistletoe.
-Who's next? Mick!
-Happy Christmas, Bryn.
Here you go. Happy Christmas.
Continental! Gavin. You're the only one left.
-You OK? How was the journey?
-Yeah, it was all right.
I kept him awake most of the time so he should sleep through tonight.
Yeah? Are you gonna sleep all the way till Christmas morning, eh?
-And see what Santa brings you? Yeah?
What's all this?
Come on. Ssh.
-He probably needs changing.
-What's brought this on, little man?
-Give him here a minute.
-It's all right.
-I got a special trick.
Where to shall I put him down, Mick?
In the back room. I'll bring your stuff through.
Right, everyone. Come on! Food!
# Rockin' around the Christmas tree Have a Christmas party hop
# Mistletoe hung where you can see... #
I do find that Dave attractive, you know, Pam.
You do know he lives in a caravan like a gyppo?
Ah! Really? See, that's even more of a turn on. Free spirit.
You like the gingers, don't you?
I do. I always have, Pam.
Not too ginger, like Chris Evans.
I like them more Charles Dance or Anthony Worral Thompson.
-Gav was in Cardiff today? And he never came to see us?
-He couldn't. He had to get back.
-No-one else knew he was there, only Mick.
-When will he find out?
He already has. He starts in two weeks.
-I'm coming back home, Mam!
-Oh, Stace, that's fantastic!
-Don't tell anyone. We haven't told Pam yet.
-Oh, my god!
-I'll get it.
-Hiya, Pete. Come in.
-This is my mum.
-Dawn, it's Pete.
-He's brought Edna.
-Everyone, this is Edna, Pete's mum.
-Hello, Edna. How's it going?
-Can I get you something, darling?
-She just needs to sit down.
-Pete, what the hell are you doing bringing her here?
-Don't. It's been a nightmare.
By the time I put her to bed, she needed the loo.
Every time I tried to leave, she'd press the alarm again.
In the end I just gave up.
Here y'are. Get this down you.
Hello. My name is Bryn. It means hill in Welsh.
I wouldn't bother. She doesn't speak. Hasn't said a word in years.
-Merry Christmas. I'll get it.
-I've got my mistletoe.
Merry Christmas, Uncle Bryn.
-Can I come in?
Jason's here, everyone!
-Yes, Jaynana. Making you a Snowball.
Hello. Happy Christmas.
Mick! Jason's here!
I've been online. There's a lot of people have had problems with this turkey recipe.
Guys, guys. Can I just...?
Stace, do you wanna?
OK, well, now that Jason's here, we've got something we want to tell you all.
Oh, my god. You're pregnant!
Didn't I say, Mick? Didn't I say?
Mum, Mum. Stacey's not pregnant.
-What are you like?
Every time he opens his mouth, you think she's pregnant.
OK, well, I'm just gonna come out with it.
The company I work for about a year and a half ago, bought into another company.
They expanded and as a result, I've been offered a promotion.
-That's the spirit Gavlar!
-Right. Thanks, yeah. I'm really chuffed. And the other good news...
Well, WE see it as good news, is that the new job is with the new branch.
Cardiff? You're gonna be knackered, mate.
That's a seven-hour round trip, every day. They paying your expenses?
No, the thing is..
We're moving back to Barry.
-Just for the first six months to see how it goes.
-Oh, I get it. You! You couldn't wait, could you?
-From day one, you got your claws in and now you're
trying to take him away from me. Look, let me just explain.
-Why are you shouting?
-I'm not shouting.
-Listen to the tone of your voice...
It's a really good deal.
How do you know?
Gavin told me a few weeks back.
-What, so he knew about this?
And I did. Stacey wanted me to know.
Oh, I can just hear you. You and her and her in cahoots...
I thought we agreed only to talk to Dad?
I was excited, Gav.
..The bitches of Eastwick!
Don't bring me into this, Pam.
You ARE in this, Vanessa.
How? What's Ness got to do with it?
-If you wanna make something of it, I'll see you outside. No problem.
-Right, come on then.
You don't want to do that, Pam. She was South Wales wrestling champion.
I don't care. I'll take the lot of you on, you bloody...
-You want some, do you, Pam?
This is ridiculous!
-Let's not make turn this into a race issue.
-Leave it out, Bryn.
This is getting out of control. Why doesn't everyone just calm down?
This is nothing to do with you.
- I'll back you all the way. Hit her in the face. - What you saying, Dawn?
I'm telling her to punch you in the face, you truck-driving dyke.
Oh, Pete. Control your wife.
-I'll control you in a minute, sunshine.
-Come on, then.
-Come on, then!
-I got your back.
Stay out of it, fat man. This is between me and Scrappy Doo.
-What'd you call me?
-Please don't make this harder than it already is.
-Make it harder than it already is?!
-You all right, Dave?
No-one talks about my wife like that.
Oh, my Pete.
Come on, Dawn.
I think we'd better leave.
-I should go too.
-Not now, Gav.
I think we should go too, back to Barry.
-This has been a terrible mistake.
-No, Bryn, just stop a minute.
It's very late, we've all had a drink, some more than others, and it's Christmas Eve.
Why don't we just all go to bed, have a good night's rest, and in the morning we can start again?
What do you think?
I forgot my turkey.
-I think so.
Mum's not speaking to me.
She's just hurt I never told her about it.
She said a Shipman never keeps secrets.
She'll be all right tomorrow. She's not gonna not speak to you on Christmas.
-Well, it's up to her. If she can't see this is the right thing to do...
-Are you sure it is?
Yes! I'm really excited about it.
I love you.
I love you.
Sorry, I thought you were asleep.
No. I can't get off, to be honest.
Neither can I. That's why I'm having a milk.
-Oh, I might join you.
-If I were at home, I'd have a Nesquik,
but I don't think they've got any and I daren't look through the cupboards.
-What flavour do you have?
-Funny old night...
-It doesn't feel like Christmas...
-All that arguing. Reminds me of when Dad was alive.
Oh, god! Christmas with your father.
Do you know, it's the one time of the year I don't miss him.
-I know. No turkey. Pork chops!
-Pork chops on Christmas Day!
And no presents. I had to smuggle mine in.
-I remember us getting caught when you gave me that Han Solo.
-There's me pretending it was mine.
I'm glad we're friends again, Uncle Bryn.
Probably did us a favour, in the end, you telling Dave.
-Does he ever, y'know, does he mention it?
There's the occasional comment, the odd look.
Times when I know he's wondering how a man and his nephew could...
Yeah, yeah, I know.
-I'm gonna get off.
-Good night, Uncle Bryn.
-Good night, Jason.
-We were just having a milk.
-I need to get some milk for Neil...
-David, it is not what you think.
-Listen, it's none of my...
-You can do whatever you like.
-Oh, for God's sake. I'm going to bed.
We're gonna have this out, once and for all, man to man.
You don't need to do this, Bryn.
You don't need to put yourself through this again.
-Yes, I do.
-Please, Uncle Bryn.
It is time for the truth.
We are going to talk about what happened on that fishing trip.
-Right here, right now.
-But Bryn, I already know what happened.
You may know what happened, David.
But you don't know why it happened.
It was freezing cold. It was! And when you are that cold...
-I was just getting some milk.
Done now. Bed.
BANGING AND SHUFFLING
Blimey, it's like Piccadilly Circus in here tonight.
-I can't hear you, Michael. I'm not speaking to you.
Come on, Pam, it's Christmas.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you, all right?
It just seemed best to wait and see if he got the job.
I need you, Camilla.
I want you.
Oh, Charles. Will I ever be your queen?
Yes, you will, right? So long as you stop this sulking, OK?
We've got guests, and you know and I know that he's doing the right thing.
He's not going to Mars, Pam.
-It's only down the road and we're all gonna miss him.
So let's try and make this the best Christmas yet, eh?
Prepare to be knighted with my special sword.
Oh, yes, Your Highness.
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Or as we say in Wales, nadolig llawen pawb.
-What does that mean?
-Merry Christmas, everyone.
Oh, lovely. What is it again?
Funny that, cos I use Clarins.
Happy Christmas, everyone.
There he is. Happy Christmas, my little prince.
-Do you want a Bucks Fizz?
-Yeah, go on.
-I'm sorry about last night.
-It's all right.
No, I shouldn't have reacted like that.
-You're doing what's best for you and Stacey.
I will miss you though.
Where is Stacey. She not up yet?
-No, she's having a shower.
-I thought Nessa was having a shower.
I tell you, that's one thing I'll miss is this shower. It's so lush.
Yeah, you said.
-You never shower, do you, Ness?
-I know. I physically can't do it.
And I won't lie to you, it's gonna be a problem for me, moving in that caravan with Dave.
-He's not got a tub.
-How will you manage?
I'll have a personal wash twice a day. With a flannel.
Oh, thanks, Ness. Are you OK about moving in with him?
Yeah. He's good as gold, he is.
He can't do enough for me, or Neil.
Oh, Neil. I'm in the bath.
I'll get Dave. You remember Dave?
With the moustache?
Yeah, that's him, babes.
Dave! Help me out, Stace.
Neil's crying. Give him a hand, will you?
-Be there now.
-He's on his way.
-Oh, Stace. Will you do my back?
-The razor's by the sink.
Noel's given the little boy a bike.
Cos his sister was being bullied cos she's in a wheelchair and he stuck up for her.
I've gone. I've actually gone.
Every year he gets me.
Oh, my Christ! What on earth?!
-Are you all right?
-Don't touch her, Gwen.
-Stay well back.
-But she's only a...
You don't know what state she's in.
She's bitten Dawn before now.
Can you come in here, please?
What's going on? Edna!
-How did she get there?
-She just popped up from behind the bar.
She's been here all night, bless her.
Blimey. We'll have to get her home.
Right, everyone, could we please stop talking about her as though she's not in the room?
-Mick, what's Dawn and Pete's surname?
Hello. I'm Bryn.
It's Christmas 2008. Gordon Brown is the Prime Minister.
-Bryn, she's just woken up. She's not been in a coma.
-What we gonna do?
Well, someone's gonna have to take her back. I can't do it.
I can't leave the turkey.
All right. Well, I'll take her then.
-Should I come with you?
-No, it's all right. It's not far.
That's it. Watch yourself.
Come on. That's it.
-Your Pete'll be worried sick.
-All right, Edna. Where'd you spring from?
She's been behind the bloody bar all night, hasn't she? There you go.
# ..But the fire is so delightful Since we've no place to go... # Oh.
Where to you going?
Gonna take him round the block. See if I can get him off before lunch.
Dave's taking you a walk.
I explained to you what a walk was, didn't I? That's right.
Hiya! Happy Christmas, Dave.
Happy Christmas, Stace.
Merry Christmas, Dave.
Mick, do you need a hand with anything?
No, no, all under control.
OK, well, I'm gonna put all the presents out now -
into piles. So where are all yours?
I don't know, darlin'. Happy Christmas, Ness.
Ask Pam when she comes back.
She's taken Edna home. She fell asleep behind the bar.
-Oh, my God.
-You look beautiful in that, babe.
Aww, thanks. It's my Christmas dress.
Sure I can't do anything to help?
No, no, all under control.
Well, that was a turn up for the books. Poor old Edna!
I thought you handled her really well, Bryn.
I don't know what came over me. I think I was inspired by Noel.
I looked at her and I thought, what would Noel do?
-And that is why, for me, Noel Edmonds is one of the country's finest talents.
-Yeah, he is.
-Deal Or No Deal. Have you seen it, Mick?
-Yeah, a couple.
It's just a load of people trying to guess what's in a box, in't it? Hand us those tongs, will you, mate.
No, it's not. There's a lot more to it that that. Have you seen it, Jase?
I've not seen this one but there's a version in Spain.
-It's called Un Trato O No Trato.
-What does that mean?
Deal Or No Deal.
Deal Or No Deal, that's what we call it. You're right, Mick.
the show without Noel, would be utter horse shit!
But with him in the equation, it's a whole different thing.
I think they should call it Deal Or Noel's Deal!
Gwen! Deal Or Noel's Deal!
Mick. Is there anything I can do to help?
No, no. All under control.
It's all right, Gwen. I'll put them in the dishwasher.
-No, no, I've got it.
-You've been a while, Ness.
I know. I was havin' my cigar.
-Yes. She always has one on Christmas.
Cuban. I smokes a Cuban at Christmas and a pipe at Easter.
Always has, always will. DOORBELL RINGS
I'll get it.
All right? Merry Christmas.
Yeah. Happy Christmas.
-Dave's taken him a walk.
-But I was hoping...
-Look, we've been through this before, I can't be running stuff by you all the time.
I can't be ringing you every time he needs his nappy changed or Dave takes him down the pub.
Down the pub?
Dave takes him down the pub?!
-I wanted to be the first person to take him down the pub!
Happy Christmas, Smithy, darlin.
Happy Christmas, Pamela, glad tidings to you and your kin, obviously.
How's everything with Edna?
-Yeah, what's occurrin'?
They didn't know she was gone, thought she was still asleep!
They were half way through their dinner.
-You all right?
-Don't touch me. OK?
I've thought it through
and I am willing to accept it but there are some conditions.
-Firstly, you come back every other weekend, without fail.
-Secondly, you guarantee at least one night out every month with all the boys.
-We don't even do that now!
Thirdly, if you promise it'll be no more than six months, you've got a deal.
Any longer than that, I am gonna start looking for a new best friend.
-I don't know. Likely candidates are Deano or Budgie.
What about Fingers?
Hmm, that's a thought.
I'll stick him on the bench with Chinese Alan.
Merry Christmas, mate.
Mick, where's this turkey?
I'm absolutely fam-ISHed!
HUM OF CONVERSATION
I'm sorry we're not in the dining room.
There wasn't enough room with all of us.
We'd never get you all in our house.
To tell you the truth, we're thinking about an extension.
-Is he all right?
Yeah. I had to read to him to get him off.
Oh, a little fairy story?
No. Russell Brand's My Booky Wook. He's loving every word.
-Did we get a mention in the end?
Aw, that's a shame, I'm quite disappointed, are you?
Don't be, Stace.
We had a cracking night, Pam, all three of us.
-Mick, this turkey is immense.
It's got what I call the wow factor.
Dad, it's definitely the best one yet.
My God, it doesn't even taste like turkey. It's like salmon.
Out of this world!
-Fair play, Mick!
-It's not just the turkey.
These carrots, Michael, are an Arc de Triumph.
Sure? Everybody happy?
CHEERS OF APPROVAL
So Smithy, how come you're not eating with your family today?
I already did. We sit down about eleven, half eleven.
-What, a full turkey dinner?
-Yeah, the whole shebang.
It's just I got to get around here, ain't I?
I used to have three when I was with Lucy.
I'd eat at home, then come here, get to Lucy's for about four, then
down the Crown, get on it, then back here for about ten.
And then just stay here till New Year's Day.
Oh, that's nice!
Right. Has nobody actually noticed that I am eating meat?
I'm a vegetarian, remember?
-Give it a rest, Pam!
Oh, Mum, come on. Everyone knows you weren't really a vegetarian.
Well, you did a good job of hiding it!
Yeah, better job than you did.
Well, I didn't know. I've bought you a vegetarian cook book for Christmas.
You got mugged off, Gwen.
Right, right. Here's a good one.
What is yellow and dangerous?
-Shark infested custard.
-Infested custard! Yes, yes!
Right, I've put all your presents out, you've got your own places.
Right, Mick, you're there.
Pam, come on Pam, you're next to him. Mum, Gav, you're next to Mum.
Then Smithy, you're on the corner.
Uncle Bryn, Dave, then Jason.
Mine are over there so I'll just be floating. OK.
I'm gonna open one first because, well, cos I just want to.
Unless you think this makes me look spoilt.
No... Go on.
Smith, I'm not being funny but probably best if you leave him for now.
It's just I've not had much time with him today, that's all.
He's got a routine, and if you get him excited,
it's us that'll get it in the neck when he won't go down tonight.
Ah, thanks babe.
It's from Gav, but it's not my main present.
There isn't any main present, cos we decided, it's just lots of little ones.
Yeah, but it's not my main little one. Right, Mum, you're next.
OK. Well, this is from Doris.
And it's talc.
What is this thing with talc and old people? I mean, do you actually use it?
I don't, Pam, but it's nice to have some in the cupboard.
This is from Nessa, David and Neil!
Actually Bryn, we've got you all the same, so you may as well open them together.
It's the Snickers from a box of Celebrations.
Oh, you got the Snickers did you, Gav?
Crackin. Stace, what you get?
-I've got a Milky Way.
You've drawn the short straw there, I'm not gonna lie to you.
-I'll see if I got some more on the bus.
-Oh, that's the big one.
That's the best one, that is.
That or the Galaxy truffle!
I got the Galaxy truffle!
I got the Galaxy truffle!
-Just the regular Galaxy one. Cheers.
Thanks, Ness. Thanks, David.
Just a little something from the three of us.
And this is from me.
Aw, thanks babe.
-Babe! That's amazing!
-What is it?
It's a signed photo of Michael Dawson.
He's my favourite Tottenham player. Dawsy.
Right, I don't know if it's my go next,
I just really want to give him his present.
-So...if you wanna open it.
-And look at the back.
He's a lucky boy. I've already got him a Cardiff City one, haven't I?
-Yeah, but he can support two teams, can't he?
-No he can't.
Why...why d'you get him that top?
-Well, cos he's a Cardiff boy, isn't he?
they're his closest team
and they're my team, so...
Right, well I wanna give Mick his present.
Stace, would you help me bring it in?
-Bring it in? Blimey, what you got me?
What time's the EastEnders special?
I don't know, we stopped watching it, didn't we, Bryn?
We did. I used to love it!
But when they brought Dirty Den back that was the final straw for me.
I mean no-one could've survived that canal.
Specially with a bullet wound. They were taking the mick, Mick.
-I think it went downhill when Pete died.
-And Mark. With the Aids.
What about Cath, is she dead?
She died on Strictly.
Out first, wasn't she?
Actually she's not dead, Smithy.
She's living in South Africa
where she went to get over the rape by...um...
What was his name?
That's the fella.
I tell you who I miss.
Mike Reid. Frank Butcher.
Pat, Pat, Pat...
I'M TRYING TO SORT IT OUT, PAT.
That's Ted Rogers!
You're thinking of Dusty Bin.
What you got there, Pat?
Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat!
Bloody hell. What is it?
Pam, that's fantastic!
-Do you play, Mick?
-You know, not really.
Oh, he does! Don't listen to him!
But not for years, Pam. Ah, come here!
-You like it?
-I love it.
You never lose it, Mick.
I hadn't picked up a trumpet in 17 years.
Jools Holland and the Big Band were in town one night, they fancied a jam.
Before I know it I'm up there playing Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.
That was a crackin' night.
Play something now, Dad!
I can't, I've got to set it all up.
Do you know Two Become One by the Spice Girls.
Look, just give me a minute to work it all out, all right? Who's the next present?
Right, well I got something I wanna give to Nessa.
I thought we weren't doing presents.
Yeah, well, I just thought I'd get you something.
Cracking. Cheers, Dave.
Ness. I'm in love with you, I am.
And I want you to be my wife.
So whaddya say, Sugar Tits?
Yeah. Fair do's. I will.
Oh my God, Ness! Congratulations.
Oh, leave those, Gwen!
That's why we've got a dishwasher.
-It's called Mick.
-It's all right Pam, once it's done, it's done!
I tell you what, Gwen.
That turkey has taken over my life the last couple of days.
We've been soaking it, basting it, and then resting it.
And them leftovers, we'll be chowdering them.
It's a wonder he hasn't had the bloody thing in bed with us!
Well, it's the best turkey we've ever tasted.
-Isn't that right, Jase?
-I should say so.
But then again, Dad used to make us have pork chops on Christmas,
so there's not much competition.
I tell you what I'm partial to, turkey omelette.
-Oh, right. Where's Bryn? Is he all right?
He's having a little nap, he is.
It's been a long day for him, what with all the presents an' that.
Oh, he loved yours, didn't he?
-What d'you get him again?
-Sex And The City. DVD of the film.
Thing is, I knew he'd like it cos when it was out in the cinema, he watched it four times.
-Twice in one day.
He loves the character Big, he does. And all the hats.
The DVD extras on this are out of this world.
Bryn, we thought you were having a snooze.
I was, but you've got a DVD player in that room and I couldn't resist.
I tell you what, they had a ball making this film.
Kim Cattrell is an absolute hoot.
And she's over 50, Pam.
Oh, my god, this is so immense. You're getting married, Ness!
-To Dave Coaches!
-Is Coaches his surname? Will you be Nessa Coaches?
-Anyone seen Smithy?
-Yeah, he's out the back having a fag.
Where are you gonna do it? Where are you gonna get married?
I should imagine in the mosque.
Right, who's up for some board games?
You all right, mate?
Yeah. It's just been a bit of a shit Christmas, that's all.
You're moving down there, my son's getting a new dad, they're all happy families.
I just don't know what I'm doing with myself.
Do you have to go?
I mean, do you WANT to?
Or are you just doing it for Stacey?
I'm doing it for my marriage,
for my wife.
I have to put that first, Smith.
But it just feels like it's all changed so quickly.
And it's still changing.
I just feel a bit on my own, really.
-I'll be all right.
I wanna play Battleships.
-D'you fancy a game?
-Yeah, I'll be in now.
Look, I don't want you thinking I'm going down there and everything's fine, cos I'm terrified.
Not because I'm leaving Mum and Dad or even that I'm moving to a new place.
I'm terrified cos I won't have you around.
In a bit.
Does he have a moustache?
Does she have glasses?
-Is he bald?
Ha, ha, ha!
I've got a hunch I know who he is, Jase!
Mum, I can't stop eating. Are you doing any ham or anything?
Yeah, I'll do something in a minute if anyone wants it.
-Nice one, Mum.
-Hit! Oh, this is ridiculous.
You're hitting my boats on every go. Have you looked at my board?
No. I looked in your eyes.
I can read you like a book, Stace.
Here we go!
Oh. Let's sing something. Let's have a sing-song!
Well, hang on, I'm trying to think of something I know all the way through.
What about this one?
Oh, I love this one!
-I know you do.
You take Neil, the baby, I'm going for a smoke.
# Have yourself a merry little Christmas
# Let your heart be light
# From now on our troubles will be out of sight... #
-It's been a good day, hasn't...
-Don't marry him.
Don't marry him.
I'm not saying marry me, I don't think that's what I'm saying,
I'm just saying don't marry him.
I don't think that you should marry him.
I'm going back in.
# Faithful friends who are dear to us
# Gather near to us once more... #
I think you're gonna like living in Barry.
You sounded like Nessa then.
IN WELSH ACCENT: I've been practising the accent, if truth be told.
# Hang a shining star upon the highest bow
# And have yourself
# A merry little Christmas now. #
Happy Christmas, darling.
# Tell me tomorrow, I'll wait by the window for you
# I'll wait by the big house for you
# I'll wait by the squeezebox for you
# I'll wait by your dresses for you... #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd