Episode 1 Gavin and Stacey


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Episode 1

Comedy series about Essex boy Gavin and Welsh lass Stacey. After being phone buddies for months Gavin and Stacey finally manage to arrange a rendezvous in Leicester Square.


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Transcript


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LAUGHTER

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Stop it!

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Everyone's looking at me!

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You've got a right dirty laugh, d'you know that?

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You sound like Barbara Windsor!

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-Oh, I know. It's the smoking.

-I didn't know you smoked.

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Yeah, I do, but I'm going to start giving up when I'm 28 and then definitely stop when I'm 30.

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Can you believe we're going to meet tomorrow?

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Only 17 hours to go now, babes.

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Hiya, Stacey.

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All right, Doris? How's the leg?

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-I wish they'd cut the bugger off.

-Oh, you don't mean that.

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Oh, yes, I do. You hand me the axe, I'll do it myself.

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-You going up London on your blind date?

-It's not really a blind date.

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-We've been talking for six months. Just haven't met, like.

-What time are you off?

-First thing.

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-Dave's Coaches. Cacking myself, I am.

-Stace, love, you've got to chill out.

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The thing to remember is don't go giving him nothing on the first night.

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-Really?

-Well, no, not nothing.

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A kiss, a cuddle, a cheeky finger.

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Just don't go selling him the whole farm.

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-Oh, thanks, Dor.

-See you, love.

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-Hiya, Mam.

-Hiya, luv. Is that Doris out?

-Yeah.

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-How's her leg?

-Fine.

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-That's a nice top.

-TK Maxx.

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Five quid, down from ten.

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-Can't go wrong. Fancy an omelette?

-Aye, go on, then.

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-Nessa'll be here at six.

-Will she want an omelette?

-I dunno.

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It's me. Mam's doing an omelette - d'you want one?

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Mmm...

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Yeah...

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OK.

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She don't want one.

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Oh, come on!

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I DO know her!

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You can know someone without meetin' 'em, y'know.

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Look, what's the big deal?

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She's bringing a mate, I'm bringing you.

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No, I won't!

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I'm not ringing her, saying, "Text a photo of your friend for Smithy.

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"He wants to see if she's a minger". It's too late now, anyway.

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All right.

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-Hiya, Gav.

-All right, Mum?

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No, not really. I'm absolutely shattered.

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-I've been crying all afternoon.

-How come?

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That Pet Rescue.

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There was this badger, and all its litter died, and you could actually see the mother badger crying.

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I don't think badgers can cry, Mum.

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Nor did I, my little prince.

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But I know what I saw, and it's knocked me for six.

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Still, life goes on.

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Your dad'll be home in a minute, and those steaks won't cook themselves.

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And will you please make sure you stay with Nessa at all times? Do not let her out of your sight.

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I don't know why you think Nessa's any safer than me.

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She's a big girl. Gets it from her father.

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If she's one iota of his aggression inside her, you'll be OK.

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We don't know anything about Gavin. He might be a paedophile.

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-He wouldn't be interested in me, would he?

-He might be grooming you.

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Your Uncle Bryn's coming around with a rape alarm.

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-He tried for pepper spray, but he haven't had no luck.

-Oh, Mam!

-All right?

-Hiya, love.

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Where's your stuff?

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-What, that's it?

-I got my sling, a packet of feminine wipes and 60 Regal. What more do I need?

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-What about your toothbrush?

-I got Tic Tacs.

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Oh, tell me you are joking.

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We're only going for one night.

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I've been looking forward to this all day long.

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You're too good to me, sweetcheeks, you are, really.

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-Good day, Dad?

-Yeah, not bad, mate.

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I left work at two, just played a full 18 with Chalky and Woodruffe.

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-Don't tell your mother.

-How did you get on?

-Not bad. A couple of birdies.

-What's that?

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A couple of birdies in the bush in the front garden

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-when I got in from work.

-You want to get a life, Michael.

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Gavin doesn't want to know about birds in a bush.

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Good job he's playing golf tomorrow, eh, Gav?

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What on earth have you got there?

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-I'm on the Atkins.

-You what?

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Atkins means - unlike you two, I'm not entitled to any carbohydrates, vis-a-vis chips.

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So I have substituted my chips by having two extra steaks.

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Three steaks? Are you mad?

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No. It's not three steaks, it's one steak for me as an actual steak, one as a substitute for my chips

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-and one as a substitute for my peas.

-But you're eating half a cow, woman!

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Right. That's it. I knew you'd say something.

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-I'll starve.

-Mum, come on!

-No, Gavin. I've had enough.

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I've tried. God knows I've tried.

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I've done the lot. Pilates. Doesn't work.

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-Can't do cabbage soup, you don't like the smell. Now I can't have steak.

-Oh, for the love of Mike(!)

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-Dad, she's on a diet.

-Look, I'm sorry, have the sodding steaks.

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No. And d'you know why?

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Because you will be up that golf club tomorrow and you'll be giving it all this.

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"D'you know what my wife Pamela had last night?

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"D'you what my fat, disgusting wife Pamela had? Three steaks!"

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They'll tell their wives, and before you know it I'll be known as Three Steaks Pam.

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Like when I had a urine infection. Look what they called me then.

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Just eat the steaks.

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Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you? Well, no.

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-You are going to watch me starve. Prepare to watch your wife starve, potentially to death.

-Gav-la?

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-Pam-la? Michael?

-Hello, Smithy!

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-Ah, darling!

-Pamela, you're looking beautiful!

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Oh, stop it!

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-Would you like a steak?

-One going, is there?

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-Due to recent events, there happens to be three going.

-Three?

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I just had shepherd's pie, but I'll take two of them on.

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-You not eating, Pam?

-Er, no, Smithy.

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And this may be the last time you ever see me.

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-Give it a rest!

-Chuck us that sauce.

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So I said to him, "Oh, scaghead, do what you like.

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"It's your life. I'm not about to tell you how to live it.

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"I wouldn't tell myself how to live my life.

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"But don't come round here peddling your wares, cos I've got a business to run."

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-But you haven't a business to run.

-Between twelve and two, I am in charge.

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At that particular moment, I was in charge. So yes, I do have a business to run, as it goes.

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< Only me!

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-Hiya!

-I got the alarm.

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-Oh, hiya, Ness.

-All right, Bryn?

0:07:130:07:16

-How's it going down the slots?

-I won't lie to you, Bryn.

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I hates it. Barry Island's not what it used to be, but what can you do? Times change. People move on.

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What do I owe you for that alarm, Bryn?

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-Don't worry - this one's on me.

-No, come on.

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Ey, these things are important.

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My brother would turn in his grave if he thought I wasn't looking after his little girl.

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And the truth is, I don't want anyone in this room being raped, myself included.

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-That's very good of you, love.

-Aye. Fair play.

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Oh, thanks, Uncle Bryn.

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Ey, come on, don't get me started now. Right!

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The man in the shop says I should give you a little demonstration.

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So, Stace, I want you to run at me as if to all intents and purposes you were my attacker.

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You don't have to show me. I can work it out.

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Stace, tomorrow morning you are travelling to London, England, to meet a boy you've never met before.

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I offered to come with you. You said, "No."

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I offered to drive and wait in the car. You said, "No."

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Now, you've met me halfway on the rape alarm - at least have the decency to let me give you

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a demonstration because, I tell you this for nothing, if you come back

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on Sunday raped and I showed you how to use it, I'll rest easy in my bed.

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You come back on Sunday raped, the fault will lie solely at your door.

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So, please, attack me.

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Oh, no, no. What are you doing?

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You've got to put a bit of aggression into it.

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Stace, sit down. Ness, you have a go.

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Not too late to back out, y'know. All it takes is one phone call.

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-No, I've got to meet her. I want to meet her.

-Really?

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Yeah, it's exciting.

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Maybe it is exciting, but you know what they say about excitement?

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-What?

-It's by the by.

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I was talking to Gary and Simon about you, and we're worried.

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-Why?

-You're putting all your eggs in one bag.

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She's Welsh! She might not even turn up. All I'm saying is don't get your hopes up.

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Since when did you became an expert on relationships?

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You've only had one girlfriend, she's just turned 17.

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So forgive me if I don't hang on your every word regarding my love life.

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17-and-three-quarters and she got 90% in her driving theory test.

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-Look, you don't have to come. I'll go on me own.

-You're not going on your own to meet up with two freaks!

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-Stacey's not a freak.

-She might not be but her mate could be a complete nutter.

-Course she won't be!

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-RAPE ALARM SHRIEKS

-You perverted piece of...

-Argh!

-Put him down, Nessa!

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You make me sick!

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-Is that the sort of thing you meant, then?

-Yes.

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-'Night, Ness.

-'Night, Stace.

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MUSIC: "Don't Look Back Into The Sun" by The Libertines

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# Don't look back into the sun

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# Well you know that the time is come

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# And they said it would never come

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# For you, oh oh oh oh... #

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Forgotten your case, Ness?

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I had the best night of my life with that woman.

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Are we all right to smoke, then?

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-Animal. Absolute animal.

-Dave?

0:10:490:10:53

What? Oh, sorry, luv... Smoking? Yeah.

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My motto is "Fags and weed, glue and speed,

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but I draws the line at crack".

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-That way, everyone knows where they stand.

-Oh, fair play.

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THAT is de-bloody-beautiful!

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Yeah, it is nice.

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This beer is allowed to ferment for nine years in North Rhine-Westphalen,

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home of Munchengladbach FC,

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and is considered one of Germany's best-kept secrets.

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Right, Gav-la...

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I think you'll agree, that THAT is easily worth an 8.5.

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Gav?

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-Gavin?

-Yeah?

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Yeah, whatever.

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-This was your idea!

-What?

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This! You came to my house. You said, "Let's try every beer around the world within 12 months."

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I said, "You'll never do it." You said, "Come on." I said, "No." You said, "Please?" I said, "Fine."

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Gary and Simon dropped out after Belgium. I don't know where Fingers is.

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But you! Once things turned up a notch with Stacey, you've gone missing!

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The lights are on, but everyone's gone out. I wash my hands of you.

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-Smithy...

-And if this mate of hers turns out to be a munter, that could be it for me and you.

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-Are you drinking that?

-I'm just too nervous, mate.

-Right. Well...

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# So at my show on Monday I was hoping some day

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# You'd be on your way to better things

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# It's not about your make-up or how you try to shape up

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# To these tiresome paper dreams

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# Paper dreams, honey

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# So now you pour your heart out You're telling me you're far out

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# But not about to lie down for your cause

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# But you don't pull my strings cos I'm a better man

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# Moving on to better things woh oh oh

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# I love her because she moves in her own way

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# Woh oh oh she came to my show just to hear about my day

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# And at a show on Tuesday she was in her mind, see

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# Tempered furs and spangled boots

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# Looks are deceiving make me believe it

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-# And these tiresome paper dreams. # There she is.

-Where?

-There!

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Oh, my God. Right, come on.

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But where's her mate? Oi! Where's her mate?!

0:13:260:13:29

Stacey?

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Oh, my God! Hiya!

0:13:330:13:36

-When did you get here?

-I thought you weren't going to come! I've only been here ten minutes.

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-I like your cardi.

-Cheers. River Island.

-Oh, so is my belt! Amazing!

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Oh, sorry, mate. Stace, this is Smithy.

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Hiya, Stacey, all right? Heard a lot about you.

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-Heard a lot about you, too.

-Come on your own in the end then, did you? Or...?

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What? Oh, no, no, I came with... Oh, here she is now! Nessa!

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Oh for...

0:14:030:14:05

-This is Vanessa.

-Six quid for two slices of pizza! They take the piss, these Cockneys.

0:14:050:14:10

-Ness!

-What?

-This is Gavin.

0:14:100:14:13

All righ', Gav? How's it going, all righ'?

0:14:130:14:15

Yeah, great. Er...and this is Smithy.

0:14:150:14:19

-Right... Well, shall we get a drink?

-Yeah, great!

0:14:240:14:28

Oh, Stace!

0:14:280:14:30

-D'you not want this now?

-No, I'm not hungry any more!

0:14:300:14:34

Yeah, might as well.

0:14:370:14:38

Oh, it's a bit dead in here.

0:14:410:14:44

-I don't mind, it's well base.

-What do you want to drink?

0:14:440:14:47

-I'll have a white wine spritzer and Ness will have a gin and tonic.

-All right.

0:14:470:14:51

All right, er, yeah - two beers, double gin and tonic, white wine spritzer. And eight After Shocks.

0:14:510:14:58

What?

0:15:010:15:03

Smithy?

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This is a nightmare of epic proportions.

0:15:070:15:09

What's wrong with her?

0:15:090:15:11

A - how old is it?!

0:15:110:15:14

B - have you seen the tattoo?!

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-And 3 - look at the size of it!

-What d'you mean?

-She's massive!

0:15:160:15:19

-She's not.

-She's huge.

-With respect, Smithy...

-I'm big, I'll give you that. Sorry, the size of that...

0:15:190:15:24

-Look at it!

-Hey!

0:15:240:15:26

All right? Been powdering your nose?

0:15:260:15:28

-Oh thanks, Stace. Thanks a lot.

-What?

-Look -

0:15:280:15:32

let's get one thing straight. I don't touch that shit no more, all right? I did...and now I don't.

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So let that be an end to it.

0:15:370:15:39

Oh, Nessa!

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And D - to top it all off - she's a drug addict! Brilliant!

0:15:450:15:49

Cheers, mate.

0:15:510:15:52

-# Baby

-Baby

-Through the years

0:15:520:15:55

# How can you stand to hear

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# My pleading for you, dear?

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-# You know I'm crying

-You you you you

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# All alone I sit home by the phone

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# Waiting for you

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-# Baby

-Baby

0:16:050:16:08

# All alone I sit home by the phone

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# Waiting for you

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-# Baby

-Baby

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# All alone I sit home by the phone

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# Waiting for you

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-# Baby

-Baby

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# Through the years how can you stand to hear

0:16:230:16:26

# My pleading for you, dear?

0:16:260:16:27

-# You know I'm crying

-You you you you... #

0:16:270:16:30

-I'm so hot!

-I know. I'm wet through!

-I can't believe this, you know.

0:16:560:17:01

-You what?

-This! Us - I can't believe it!

-I know.

0:17:010:17:04

-It's better than I thought it would be.

-It's like I've known you ages.

-Like I've known you for life.

-What?

0:17:040:17:10

-Like I've known you all my life.

-I was so worried you wouldn't like me.

-You what?

0:17:100:17:15

-I was so nervous.

-Yeah, me too!

-Look, Stace, I just want you to know...

-Sorry?

0:17:150:17:21

-I just want you to know...

-I can't hear you!

0:17:210:17:24

I just wanted to...

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..say that.

0:17:370:17:39

Wey-hey!

0:17:460:17:48

Smithy! Train goes in 20 minutes!

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You don't have to go, y'know.

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Not if you don't want to.

0:18:000:18:01

-What, you mean come back?

-Yeah. Well, if you like.

0:18:010:18:04

It's up to you. I don't want you to think that...

0:18:040:18:07

Gavin, I'm asking you to come back with me.

0:18:070:18:10

S'all right, mate. You get the train.

0:18:120:18:14

-I'm going to go back with erm...

-Nessa.

0:18:140:18:16

Nessa, that's it. Can I have a word?

0:18:160:18:18

-We'll have to stop off at a garage on the way.

-Are you in?

0:18:210:18:24

-I think so.

-Quality!

-Quality.

-We'll have to make a stop, girls.

-What for?

0:18:240:18:29

Well, we might have to... erm...get some...

0:18:290:18:32

Don't worry. I got a stash. Ribbed.

0:18:320:18:35

Taxi!

0:18:350:18:37

THEY GIGGLE

0:18:390:18:41

INDISTINCT CHATTER

0:18:410:18:44

There's no minibar.

0:18:470:18:49

-I'll order some room service, shall I?

-Yeah.

-Gav,

0:18:490:18:52

I'm not bein' funny, but it's half two now and we're leaving in eight hours.

0:18:520:18:56

We all know what's going to happen, who wants what...

0:18:560:18:59

so why not cut to the chase and we can all get some?

0:18:590:19:02

And they say romance is dead(!)

0:19:020:19:05

Right, Stace, how d'you want to do this?

0:19:050:19:07

Well, we'll have this bed, you have that one.

0:19:070:19:09

-Switch the lights off and get on with it.

-Hang on, are you serious?

0:19:090:19:12

-Those beds are like two feet apart.

-I don't give a shit.

0:19:120:19:16

I just feel a little bit uncomfortable!

0:19:160:19:19

-OK. OK, as a mate...we'll go in the en suite. Yeah? Nessa?

-All right...

0:19:190:19:25

..but only for the first one. I hopes you're hungry, big boy.

0:19:260:19:30

-SMITHY CHUCKLES

-Come on! Get in here now.

0:19:300:19:36

Bit of music? HEAVY ROCK PLAYS

0:19:370:19:40

-Sorry. Bloody thing...

-Hang on, let's try this.

0:19:400:19:45

RADIO: 'How long have you had the growths?'

0:19:450:19:49

-MUSIC: "Last Request" by Paolo Nutini

-I love this one.

0:19:490:19:54

-Right. D'you want a drink, then?

-Gavin...

0:19:540:19:58

-I can go down to the bar if you like...

-Gav...

-I'm easy...

0:19:580:20:00

I just don't... We can talk if you want.

0:20:000:20:03

This is so lush.

0:20:320:20:34

Mmm. It is.

0:20:370:20:40

It's totally lush.

0:20:400:20:41

-SMITHY:

-Oh! Oh, God!

0:20:460:20:50

-Oh! Dirty!

-GLASS SMASHES

-Oh!

0:20:500:20:53

Oh! Oh! That's it.

0:20:530:20:56

-Oh.

-Oh.

-Now we're talking. Oh, take it...

0:20:560:21:01

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh...

-TOILET FLUSHES

0:21:010:21:03

-STACEY LAUGHS

-Ow! Ow! OW! Oh, God!

0:21:030:21:09

Ooooh, God.

0:21:090:21:11

-(Gav...)

-Oh, Stace, don't wake him.

0:21:180:21:21

-Why?

-I'm not being funny, you look like shit. Last night you looked cracking. Let that be the memory.

0:21:210:21:27

Good point. I'll leave a note.

0:21:270:21:29

-What about Smithy?

-No, leave him.

0:21:290:21:32

His breath is rank and mine's not much better.

0:21:320:21:36

Smithy! Smithy!

0:21:590:22:01

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

0:22:020:22:05

Come on, mate, we haven't got time for this.

0:22:070:22:09

Ohh... I feel like I've been abused!

0:22:090:22:11

Look, I want to say goodbye properly. Their coach leaves in half an hour.

0:22:110:22:15

Oh God, the guilt. Oh, the guilt!

0:22:150:22:19

Oh, what about Lucy?

0:22:190:22:22

-I'm going to have to confess.

-No, mate! Look, what's the point?

-I've got to!

0:22:220:22:25

-No you don't!

-I have!

-Why?

-You don't understand!

0:22:250:22:29

She did things... Mate...

0:22:310:22:35

Smithy! I am not discussing anything about last night with you!

0:22:350:22:38

I need to know whether this is something that just...

0:22:380:22:41

Oh...

0:22:410:22:42

-Nessa.

-Nessa. Whether it's something just she does or is it a Welsh thing?

0:22:420:22:47

-Why does it matter?

-If it's something everybody does I don't need to see a doctor.

0:22:470:22:51

-Get dressed!

-All right!

0:22:510:22:53

Oh, God!

0:22:560:22:58

Don't suppose I can tempt you to a Chinese down mine later?

0:23:050:23:09

Oh, Dave, when are you going to learn?

0:23:090:23:12

You could buy me all the chocolates, all the chow mein you like, but it won't wash, and you knows why.

0:23:120:23:17

Back off or I'll tell everyone on that coach about my trip to the doctor's, is that what you want?

0:23:170:23:21

-No. Sorry.

-Look, I think you're a cracking bloke, Dave,

0:23:210:23:25

but let's face it - you're riddled.

0:23:250:23:27

I know.

0:23:270:23:30

How is everything, er, down there, by the way?

0:23:300:23:34

Shipshape and shiny now, no thanks to you.

0:23:340:23:37

GAVIN: Stacey! Stacey!

0:23:370:23:41

Oh, no!

0:23:410:23:43

-I had to say goodbye.

-Aw!

0:23:430:23:46

You, er...forgot this.

0:23:460:23:49

Oh, tidy.

0:23:490:23:50

-So I'll give you a ring.

-Why?

0:23:530:23:55

-Well, y'know...

-Oh, get a life, Smithy. Oh, Stace!

0:23:570:24:01

Come on, babes. I'll see you again really soon.

0:24:010:24:04

-Don't.

-What?

0:24:040:24:05

Don't promise me nothin'. If this is all it's meant to be, I'm still so happy I met you!

0:24:050:24:12

-Right. KFC?

-No, mate, there's something I've got to do. Taxi!

0:24:300:24:34

-What? Where are you going?

-I've got to go home. Billericay, please, mate.

0:24:340:24:38

-I thought we were going to share a bucket?!

-Are you coming or what?

0:24:380:24:41

# I can't keep up and I can't back down

0:24:410:24:45

# I've been losing so much time

0:24:450:24:51

# Cos it's you and me

0:24:530:24:56

# And all of the people with nothing to do

0:24:560:25:02

# Nothing to lose and it's you and me... # Cheers, mate.

0:25:020:25:06

# ..And all of the people and I don't know why

0:25:060:25:11

-# I can't keep my eyes... #

-Gav? Gavin?

0:25:140:25:16

-How did it go?

-Brilliant.

0:25:160:25:18

-What's she like?

-I'll tell you later.

0:25:180:25:20

-See you, then.

-What on earth's going on?

0:25:210:25:26

Don't ask! All I know is I'm so ravenous I can barely see!

0:25:260:25:28

-Do you want a Pammy's full English?

-You read my mind!

0:25:280:25:31

How about you, Smithy? Did you have a good time?

0:25:310:25:34

Not really, no.

0:25:340:25:35

# ..Don't know where to go from here

0:25:350:25:39

# Cos it's you and me

0:25:420:25:45

# And all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to prove

0:25:450:25:52

# And it's you and me and all of the people

0:25:520:25:57

# And I don't know why

0:25:570:26:00

# I can't keep my eyes off of you... #

0:26:000:26:04

Oh, my God!

0:26:110:26:13

What you doin' here?!

0:26:140:26:16

I said I'd see you soon, didn't I?

0:26:160:26:18

What's up?

0:26:250:26:26

Nothing.

0:26:260:26:28

-What?

-It's stupid...

0:26:300:26:33

Stace?

0:26:330:26:35

It's just...I told myself...

0:26:350:26:38

if ever I saw you again in the flesh, like, that I'd...

0:26:380:26:43

What?

0:26:440:26:46

That I'd tell you something. But I can't.

0:26:470:26:51

Oh, Stace, I'm going for a curry with Dave. I'll call you tomorrow.

0:26:510:26:56

If you say it, I'll say it back.

0:26:590:27:02

I love you.

0:27:030:27:04

I love you, too.

0:27:040:27:06

-Ohh oooh!

-ALARM SHRIEKS

0:27:060:27:09

-What's that?

-Just my rape alarm!

0:27:090:27:12

# It's you and me

0:27:120:27:14

# And all of the people and I don't know why

0:27:140:27:19

# I can't keep my eyes off of you

0:27:190:27:24

# What day is it?

0:27:320:27:35

# And in what month? This clock never seemed so alive. #

0:27:350:27:40

Comedy series about Essex boy Gavin and Welsh lass Stacey.

After being phone buddies for months they finally arrange a rendezvous in Leicester Square, and invite Stacey's best friend Nessa and Gav's pal Smithy along for support. But is there really any mileage in long distance love?