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MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Hiya. It's me. It's Stacey.
- I know. - Oh, my God.
- How's it going? What's it like? - I've literally just sat down.
I said goodbye to you 35 minutes ago.
Have you met anyone yet? What are they like?
Oh, my God. Are there girls everywhere?
- They'll be all over you. - Don't be silly.
It's just new territory for me, babes.
I'm failing to establish my emotional boundaries,
allowing my latent insecurities to manifest themselves...
Babe, you have got to stop reading Psychologies magazine.
I know. I sound like knob. It's just sometimes...
Stace, I've been at work for 11 minutes.
I promise I'll call you at lunch, OK?
- OK. I love you. - I love you too.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Gavin. Huw Davies. Welcome to Cardiff.
Mr Davies, good to see you again.
Please, call me Huw.
Now, is this your first office of your own?
- Yeah, it is. - Excellent news.
I tell you what - call Maintenance
and get them to stick this on your door.
It's a big moment.
Oh, cheers. Thanks.
Now, I'll take you round in a bit, show you what's what and who's who.
Did you get your welcome pack?
- Uh, yeah, I think so. - Excellent news.
PHONE RINGS Get that. Could be important.
Phone system - real easy.
And then...line one.
Uh, Gavin Shipman.
- PAM: Hello, my little prince. - Hiya. Look, um...
How's it going, darling? Are people being nice to you?
- I can't really talk right now. - Oh, my God.
They're victimising you. You are the victim of a victimisation.
Gavin, get out. Run home now.
Mum, everything's fine. It's my mother.
- Oh. - I'm just with my new boss.
Oh, my Christ! What's he like? Is he bald?
What? No. Look, I'll call you at lunch or after work.
When it's not on the company's time.
All right. Well, call me on the...
- Sorry about that. - Hey, listen.
Everyone has to take a personal call once in a while.
And when it's family, it's family.
Now, your fire regs and what have you - very simple.
In the event of a fire, my motto is...
- "Run for your life"? - No.
"Go to your nearest assembly point."
PHONE RINGS Right.
You're on your own with this one. Go for it.
- Line one. Mm. - Hello. Gavin Shipman.
- MICK: You all right, mate? - My dad.
Dad, I'm actually with my boss.
Oh, apologies. Say no more. Call me later.
Cheers. See ya.
I'm so sorry about that.
It's just, you know, with the move down here and that...
Listen. I completely understand.
And a family phone call once in a while,
from a relative or relation, is, uh...
Now, chain of command on this floor.
It's Joyce, then Terry, then Owain. PHONE RINGS
- Gavin Shipman. - SMITHY: Gavlarrr!
Right, ready when you are. Excellent news. OK.
Let's show you round.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
I'm just gonna leave that there.
NEIL CRIES ON MONITOR
It's me, Vanessa. Your mother.
GIGGLES AND PANTS
I'll be there now, babes. All right?
I've done you a tea.
- Oh, cheers. - What time you in work?
- 12.00. - I'll drop you off.
I've gotta go to pick up those paper plates.
- Tidy. - I've been looking at this list.
You sure you're not taking on too much, cooking all this food?
It's not that much. Read it out.
Cheese and pineapple.
Already done it. Just gotta do the pineapple.
- Sausage rolls. - Gwen's doing them.
- Sandwiches. - Gwen.
- Pasties. - Gwen.
- Quiche. - Gwen.
- Drumsticks. - Gwen.
- Wings. - Not doing 'em.
- Spicy wings. - Gwen.
- Dips. - Gwen.
- Salad. - Doris.
- Scotch eggs. - Gwen.
What about desserts?
Oh, Dave, man, give me a break. I'm your fiancee.
I've got enough on my plate as it is. I'm christening my son,
I've got two jobs and I'm living in a caravan.
And it's Gav's first day. I haven't even rang him yet.
I tried him. He didn't pick up.
Talk to Bryn about the afters.
He's got all sorts kickin' round in that freezer.
Probably even got a Black Forest left over from Christmas.
Phwoar! Someone needs changing.
No. He's fine.
It's my feet.
So, this is the first one, OK?
- Did you speak to Gav yet? - Yeah.
I think he was a bit off with me, to be honest.
Was it wrong to send a balloon, do you think?
No, love. It was a wee bit of fun.
And this is the second one.
I think I prefer the first one.
Oh, I knew you'd say that. I like this one best.
It's up to you. Whatever you feel most comfortable in.
Yeah, it's up to me, it is. It's what I feel most comfortable in.
And the thing with black is it goes with so much.
I've got three interviews altogether, now.
Hey, I was thinking -
why don't you talk to Andrea about getting your old job back?
No. Closing down, apparently, cos of the depression.
Yeah. The credit thing.
So, what I'm gonna do is, I'll hang on to both jackets.
Then, if I get one of the interviews,
I'll only take one jacket back - keep the other as a treat.
Yeah. Wear it on Sunday.
Nice one, Gwen.
Oh, my God!
I just called you Gwen!
He just hung up on me, Pam.
Treating me like... like a common dog, a mutt.
Darling, he didn't.
It's his first day. He was off with me on the phone.
I don't know who he is any more, Pam.
He's gone, and I'm here, bereft.
I know, darling. I know exactly how you feel.
No, you don't. You've got Mick. I've got no-one. I'm all alone!
Well, what about Lucy?
She's on some student exchange thing, dicking round the Dordogne.
She's got no credit. I can't text her.
Now, Smithy, listen to me.
You have got to pull yourself together, darling.
You've got to throw yourself into work.
I ain't got no work, have I? No-one's got any money.
I'm still waiting for Mick to give me the go-ahead on the extension.
I've got Deano givin' it all that in my ear
about his child maintenance.
Got this christening I'm supposed to fork out for.
My life's falling apart, Pam.
Hiya. SMITHY MOANS
Oh, God. Not this again, you two.
He is struggling, Mick, to come to terms with the loss of Gavin.
Gavin's not dead, Pam.
Three days running, I've come home to this - tears at the table.
You are so cold, Michael. You are cold-hearted, Mr Shipman.
Oh, please, don't argue. Please.
Your only son has emigrated abroad, to another country,
and you couldn't care one jot.
- You couldn't care a J-O-T-E. - I do care.
I miss him. I do.
I just think we've got to get on with our lives
instead of sitting around here, moping.
Look, Smithy, we would like you to do the extension.
Seriously? Cos if I order materials...
Do the bloody extension.
What are you doin' home anyway, Pam? Shouldn't you and Dawn rehearse?
The heats are in three weeks.
It's off. Dawn and Margaret have had a fight.
- Why? - Margaret won't wear the costume.
- She said it was degradin'. - Costume? What you on about?
Me, Dawn and Japanese Margaret
were gonna enter Britain's Got Talent.
- Doing what? - A medley of Miss Saigon songs.
I was just thinking, you know - I might still enter on my own.
All That Jazz, from Chicago.
# Come on, babe Why don't we paint the... #
Right. Look, what's happening on Sunday?
Who's taking who?
# ..And all that jazz... #
I'm taking Mum and Rudi, so I've got two spaces
if you want to jump in with me.
No, it's all right, darling. We'll go down on our own.
But if I'm not driving, I can have a couple of drinks,
and if he's got two spaces...
Yeah, but we don't want to get in his way, do we, Mick?
- Him and his sister and his mum! - No, they won't mind.
See? And you and Cath can have a little catch-up.
No, I think it's a great idea. Take one car.
Save on the petrol. Do our bit for the carbon footprint, eh, Pam?
The surprising thing about Terry is, although he doesn't look it,
he is, in fact, our nominated first-aider.
- Huw? - Ah.
Now, here's somebody you've not met yet.
Owain Hughes. Owain heads up the website.
Hi. Nice to meet you. Gavin Shipman.
And before you ask - no, I don't.
HUW AND OWAIN LAUGH
we have a little seven-a-side on a Thursday if you fancy joining us.
- Oh, right. Yeah, I'd like that. - I mean, it's nothing too serious.
At the end of the day, it's just touch rugby.
But some of the guys...
Oh, sorry. I thought you meant football.
- No, we play rugby. - It's rugby, it is.
Gavin, they won't let me in.
- I wanted to surprise you. - Oh, God.
- Brought you a packed lunch. - Bryn, I don't need a...
I'm sorry. This is my uncle...in-law
- This is Bryn. - Hello.
- Hiya. - Hiya.
Bryn, this is Huw Davies, my boss,
and our website manager, Owain Hughes.
Owain Hughes! And do you?
No, I don't.
OWAIN, HUW AND BRYN LAUGH
Now, I wasn't sure what you'd like,
so I've done you a selection of sandwiches.
You've got cheese and pickle,
cheese and ham, cheese and tomato,
and just cheese.
Take your pick. A bit of everything.
Look, don't stay out there, Bryn. Come on in, man.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't want to disturb him on his first day.
Do you know what? Looking in this window now,
it's like watching an episode of The Apprentice.
I feel like Sir Alan Sugar. Very clever man.
Gavin? You're fired!
You're not really. I don't have that sort of power.
I'll see you, Gav. Huw. Owain.
- Bye, Bryn. - See you.
Mr Shipman, parcel for you.
Well, open it, then.
It's from my wife.
So, what I'll do is, I'll keep the both jackets.
Then if I get one of the jobs, I'll only take one jacket back.
- Keep the other as a treat. - And you can wear it on Sunday.
That's exactly what Mum said.
- Oh, my God. Where's Neil? - The Baby?
Oh! There you are!
It's easier for me to smoke.
So how's it all going with Dave, living together and that?
Oh, you know, he's got his faults, I've got mine.
They're just magnified when you live in a caravan.
How you finding it with Gav in my old room?
Oh, I absolutely love it.
I wake up in the morning
and think, "Lush! I'm in Barry."
I just hope Gav likes the job, so we can stay and get our own place.
The thing about relationships, Stace, it's all about give and take.
- Sometimes you give... - Sometimes you take.
That's my problem with Dave. I only want to give.
And he's fed up with taking.
I gotta clean the grabbers.
Come on, Neil. Follow me.
I didn't know you could win an iPod on the grabbers.
- Where's it say you can win an iPod? - You can see it there. It's...
Use your eyes, Stace. What do you actually see?
- An iPod. - No. It's an iPod box.
And that is what you win.
I'm sick of sayin' it.
"No, I don't"? What's his name again?
"And before you ask, no, I don't."
Right, am I being thick? Cos I just don't get that.
- Me neither. - And you say Bryn found it funny?
- Yeah, they all did. - See, I'm good at jokes.
I'm the creator of some of Billericay's biggest jokes.
- You are their biggest joke. - Shut it, you slag!
No, you shut it, you slag.
- You slag! - You slag!
- You slag! - You slag!
No, you slag! You slag! You slag! Shut it, you slag!
Hiya. Can I have a large cod and chips, two battered sausage,
chicken and mushroom pie, can of Shandy Bass and a cherry Tango?
- You with Deano? - No.
- No. - What, is all that food for you?
Yeah, but I'm having some now, as an afternoon snack,
some for my dinner and then some for my supper.
- Can I have them two? - What's happening with your mum?
- Is she coming on Sunday or not? - Well, she claims she is.
- If she's not having an off day. - Well, that's good, innit?
Yeah, it's just...
It's the first time she's gonna meet Nessa
and Dave's gonna be there and...
You know, after everything that happened at Christmas...
Nothing. Listen, I've gotta pay, so... Yeah, I'll see you later.
Yeah. See ya.
'And that sunshine will certainly help
'to ripen David Lloyd's tomatoes in Cwmbach.
'Further west, a little bit of...
'...found in almost every town and city in Wales.
BOTH SPEAK WELSH
SWITCHES TV OFF
- STACEY: Gavlar! - Hiya.
Oh! I can't do it, can I?
I'm trying to do the robot so you won't feel homesick.
Oh, baby, that's so sweet. Come here.
You're so lovely.
Do you prefer sex in Barry or in Essex?
- What? - Cos I think I prefer it in Essex.
Right. We did it last night. Are you saying I'm worse in bed in Barry?
I just mean I think it's sort of dirtier in Essex,
cos your mum and dad are only in the next room.
But here, my mum isn't bothered.
She's heard me have sex loads of times - and Ness.
DOG BARKS SMITHY: Mum!
We were supposed to leave ten minutes ago!
- Have you been to bed? - No.
Mum, have you got any Nurofen?
CATH: Anadin. In the drawer.
So you're obviously not coming.
Yeah. I'm ready.
You're not coming like that.
BELCHES AND BLOWS
It's a christening. It's your nephew's christening.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
Just seeing if I can find someone who gives a shit.
CATH: Right. I'm ready.
I'll do me make-up in the car.
Bring them Anadin, Ruth.
I knew this would happen.
It won't be Smithy that's held them up. It'll be her.
- Cath. - There's no point getting worked up.
We're gonna be together in that car for four hours.
NINE hours. Four hours there and four hours back.
That's NINE hours, Michael.
No, it's not. It's eight hours. Four and four is eight.
Oh, to-may-to, to-mah-to.
I just don't want to be stuck in the car with her.
Because she plainly doesn't like me, Mick,
and, quite frankly, I can't stand her.
And before you say anything, it's got nothing to do with her epilepsy.
It's narcolepsy, Pam - a very mild form of narcolepsy.
So she says.
I'd have narcolepsy if I drank... CAR HORN BEEPS
..three bottles of wine a night.
I will be nice. I'm sitting in the front.
Pamelar, Micklar, your "carr-agini" awaits.
You're in a good mood.
My son's being made a Christian, Pam,
which guarantees he will not burn in hell,
unlike you, Michael Shipman,
who is definitely destined for the flames.
I gotta sit in the front, if you don't mind.
I'll puke if I go in the back.
Oh, that's all right, darling. I prefer it in the back, anyway.
Hello, Pammy. Come on. Get in. We'll have a good catch-up.
- Hiya, Dor. - I'm early, I am, Gwen.
- Well, come on in. - I will, if you don't mind.
I've been ready for six hours,
just scratching around in there, all on my tod.
Well, you should have said.
Shit! You've been busy.
Just a few bits and bobs.
- Have you got the salad... - Oh, this effing salad, Gwen.
Look, I haven't done it, I'm not doing it. End of.
- Why? - Because I can't be arsed.
People don't want it, Gwen. They want filling up.
Pies, pasties, this cheap crap.
I mean, I don't even know why I offered.
Why did I offer to help someone who's owed me £6,500 since 1992?
She is paying you back, Dor. Fair play.
£1 a week, Gwen. What does she take me for?
A fool? I'll be 140 by the time it's repaid.
Well, look, Dor, I'll do the salad, then.
No. Why should you?
You're defeating the object. Now, just leave it.
Let her come up to me, as she undoubtedly will,
and say, "Oh, Dor, where's the salad?"
And I'll say, "Oh, fatty, where's my cash?"
- Hiya! - Hi.
- All right, Doris? - No.
I'm crabby, I am, Gav. Moody.
I've just ripped into Nessa for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
- Time of the month, Stace. - Oh.
"Do you renounce the works of the Devil?"
"Yes, sir, I do!"
Gwen, I've been reading the order of service for the christening.
And I'll tell you what - it's very dramatic.
It's like being in an opera.
- Is it? - GAVIN: Anyone want any toast?
- STACEY: No. - DORIS: You're right, Gav.
Seriously - as a godfather,
if anything should happen to Ness, David or Smithy,
then I am basically promising today
to protect Neil the Baby from Satan himself,
from Lucifer, from Old Nick.
Good thing I've been down the gym, eh, Gav? Put 'em up!
Put 'em up! Whoa!
Jokin', I am.
GAVIN: I'd better get dressed.
Oh, yes. Come on. Chop chop.
Oh, we've got plenty of time.
Right. I'm gonna start running this lot down to the Dolphin.
Um...where's the salad, Dor?
Where's the salad? Where's the salad?
There's the salad. Now, leave me alone.
So, I said to Dr Chowdhry... You know Dr Chowdhry, don't you?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, we like him, don't we?
Yeah, well, I used to.
So I said to him,
"All I'm asking you to do is run some checks on me
"to see if I've got narcoleptic tendencies."
- But he wouldn't listen. - No.
He said if you was to cut down on your drinking,
you'd notice a marked improvement on your ability to stay awake.
- And what did I say back to him? - Mum, you can't. It's racist.
Well, yes, I did say something, Pam, that I'm ashamed of.
But I told him,
I wasn't there to discuss my social life, but my health.
- Right. - So...
He did the tests e-ventually.
And what were the results?
I don't know.
I was supposed to pick them up on Tuesday afternoon,
but I slept right through till 6.00.
Next time we visit this church, you'll be walking down the aisle.
I know. The virgin bride.
How's all that going, by the way?
Yeah. I've been looking into it on the web, like.
I've still got some of Doris's money left over,
so come the actual wedding night, I'll be good as new for you.
All right, Dad? How's it going? All right?
All right, Ness. How's it going? All right?
Dave, this is Neil, my father.
Dad, this is my friend, Dave.
- Well, fiance. - That's what I said.
And who's this little man, eh?
CHUCKLES This is Neil the Baby.
Neil, this is your granddad, Neil.
I'm glad you could make it, Dad.
I know how difficult it must be for you to show your face round Barry.
I wouldn't miss this for the world.
I've just got to keep my wits about me.
Now, there's a blast from the past.
BRYN LAUGHS All right, Bryn. What's occurrin'?
Well, you are looking remarkably well. Isn't he, Gwen?
I'm trying to think when we last saw you.
- '97. Diana's funeral. - That's it.
- Smithy. - All right?
Hiya. Sorry I'm late.
Hey! There he is!
Why is he wearing a dress?
I don't know.
Oh, right. Um...
Everyone, this is my mum, by the way, Cath.
- BRYN: Hello, Cath. - And Rudi, my sister.
Smithy! We met at the drive-through.
- That's all right, Bryn. - Can we sit down now, please, Neil?
- I'm absolutely exhausted. - SMITHY: Yeah, yeah.
- I'd better have him with me. - All right.
- Should I sit... - No, you're all right, Smith.
- You can sit anywhere, I think. - OK.
Good morning, everyone. Let's start with our first hymn.
"Immortal, invisible, God only wise,
"In light inaccessible,
"Hid from our eyes."
ORGAN PLAYS INTRODUCTION
And so now we welcome you,
Neil Noel Edmond Smith,
into the family of the Church.
Let's give him a round of applause, everyone.
And in celebration of this joyous event,
Bryn West, Neil's godfather,
would like to sing for us all.
MUSIC: "Something Inside" by Labi Siffre
# The higher you build your barrier
# The taller I become
# The farther you take my rights away
# The faster I will run
# You can deny me
# You can decide to turn your face away
# No matter, cos there's...
CHOIR JOINS IN: # Something inside so strong
# I know that I can make it
# Though you're doing me wrong, so wrong
# Thought that my pride was gone
# Oh, no
# There's something inside so strong
# Oh! Oh! Oh!
# Something inside so strong
# The more you refuse to hear my voice
CHOIR: # Away, away, away, away
BRYN: # The louder I will sing... #
Hearing Bryn singing like that makes me think I should go solo.
- I mean, if he can do it... - Yeah.
And I honestly believe I've got something
that Simon, Amanda and, particularly, Piers would want to hear.
Yeah, well, now you come to mention it,
you have got a touch of the Susan Boyles about you.
Oh, thanks, darlin'.
- Congratulations, you two. - Yeah, lovely service.
DAVE: Yeah, help yourself to the food.
- Cheers, Pam. - Good on you, mate.
There's a bar over there.
Order what you like. They'll bring it over.
Oh, very generous.
Yeah, you can have anything - beers, wine, vodka, rum.
Tell him what you want, he'll do it for you.
- And then just pay him at the till. - BOTH: It's not a free bar.
Congratulations, you two. I hope you'll be very happy together.
Cheers, Dor. I'll stick it with the others, is it?
I'm not being funny, but shouldn't I be doing this - the welcoming...bit?
- Hiya. - Cheers.
- I'll take that. - No, it's not for Neil.
- It's an engagement present, it is. - What?
Yeah, we thought we'd kill two birds with one stone, like,
and make it a christening-slash-engagement party.
Whoa! Hang on. What's this about a slash?
I don't want a slash. No-one told me I was having a slash.
It's not a big deal. It's just a few friends...
Yes, it is. I forked out 420 quid for today
for my son, OUR son's christening.
I can't see where it's gone, to be honest.
The food's a joke. There's not even any salad.
Look, it doesn't matter about...
It doesn't matter about the salad.
You're going ahead with it, then - the engagement.
What? Yeah, I just said.
No, you didn't.
Well, yeah, I am, all right?
You all right?
Talk me through the decision with the middle name again.
Noel and Edmond?
Yeah, Noel Edmond.
Well, I wanted to call him after my granddad, Edmond...
She wanted to call him after some mate of hers who was in Hear'Say.
- Noel. - So that's what we got.
Noel Edmonds. His middle name's Noel Edmonds.
Well, essentially, it isn't Noel Edmonds
cos, essentially, there isn't an S, so...
- Are you in a mood? - I'm fine.
Just fed up of people saying my son's named after Noel Edmonds.
Can I have a go of him?
Yeah, go for it.
Sorry. We haven't really met properly.
I'm Smithy's sister.
- Rudi. - Nessa.
Vanessa. So lovely to meet you.
I'm Catherina, Neil's mother.
Yeah, it's appalling, this is the first time we meet.
Don't worry about it. I knows how tired you get.
And we did speak that time on the webcam.
Oh...yes, and... can I just say again,
that second time was a genuine mistake.
I honestly thought you were this man called John from Epworth.
- I would never have exposed... - Oh.
Cath, it's fine.
It's nothing I've not seen before.
Everybody, we're going to have a family photo.
- Everybody forward. - MICK: Where do you want us, Bryn?
Dave, I want you one side of Ness and, Smithy, you on the other.
The little ones at the front and the big ones at the back.
You're the littlest one, aren't ya?
And then, if everybody could move in together, please. Bunch in together.
That's it. All right.
CAMERA CLICKS BRYN: Yay.
PAM: Yay! SHE LAUGHS
- Can we have one now, me and Gav? - Go on, then. Ness?
Could Stace have him for a minute?
Oh. He's so lush, isn't he?
Neil the Baby.
Yeah, he is.
- Gav? - Yeah.
- Yeah, let's go for it. - Seriously?
Why not? Let's give it a try.
- Oh! - All ready?
# Tell me tomorrow I'll wait by the window for you
# I'll wait by your big house for you
# I'll wait by the squeeze box for you. #