Reunion Special Goodness Gracious Me

This is my favourite programme. I love the new Sherlock series.

Of course you love it. Because it's Indian!

Oh, don't start. No, no, no, not Sherlock?

Come on, beta. It's obvious.

He's not just a detective, he's a consultant - Indian.

He lives above a shop - Indian.

His best friend's a doctor, for God's sake!

How much more Indian can you get?

Oh, come on.

He's even played by a Bengali, Bhannerjit Kummurbund.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is ridiculous!

Not ridiculous. All TV detectives - Indian.

Rubbish! What about Hercule Poirot?

He's from Belgium.

Originally Harpreet Pyaara from Belgaum, India.

-Stop it.

-Not stop it.

Think about it, yaar, small chubby man, oils his moustache,

speaks in a funny accent, because he's Gujurati.

LAUGHTER

Poirot's not Gujurati.

Think about his famous cases, beta.

Murgha on the Orient Express.

Death on the Nala.

At the end of each one he gathers everybody together in one room

and then blames somebody - typical Indian family get-together.

I've had enough!

You've been brainwashing me with this

"everything comes from India" nonsense for the last 20 years.

I can't take it any more!

Beta, beta. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You're right, not all of them are Indian.

There was that one... small fellow, one eye, cigar, raincoat -

"Just one more thing."

-Columbo.

-Columbo.

And?

Capital of Sri Lanka!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, hello... Oh, it's you.

Hello, didn't see you there... festering in the corner.

Well, I'm surprised to see you too.

I thought you were dead.

You wish.

Ah, no sign of your grandson today?

Again?

Er...no.

Oh, can't be bothered to visit you?

Oh, the shame you must feel.

-Shame?

-Yes, having such an insensitive grandchild.

Oh, no, no, no, on the contrary,

my grandson is SO sensitive, I never expect him to visit me.

It would be far too painful for him.

What?

Oh, yes. In fact he said he was so distraught at not being able

to see his dadima every day,

he didn't even go to university after finishing his Gap Yah.

-Hai?

-You heard me.

In fact he said he was so emotionally exhausted

after larging it in Goa, he said he was too baked and burned out

on Special K to continue studying.

You see, even too much breakfast cereal affects him.

That's how sensitive MY grandson is.

Well, that is exactly why MY grandson can not visit me today.

Or any other day.

Because he missed me so much that he didn't even finish his Gap Yah.

-Aacha?

-Oh, yes.

My poor bunti was so toasted

and trashed after having to blow his father's hard-earned wonga

on the boppers and the poppers to ease his pain, that he ended up

having a big-time psychotic episode in Thailand

where we had to send out a blinging VIP helicopter

to emergency air lift him from Phuket!

LAUGHTER

That's how sensitive MY grandson is.

Is that so?

Oh, yes, I bet you are well jel, in't it?

Well, let me tell you how much my grandson misses me.

After trashing the luxury wing at home specially built for him,

too hamstered to even remember his own name,

my little Bitoo was bitch-slapped all the way to the most

expensive psychiatrist on Harley Street.

-Aacha?

-Oh, yes, of course.

In fact he is so heartbroken at missing me,

he's now on three kinds of antidepressants,

has five sessions a week with his psychiatrist at £200 an hour

and you know the only thing he wants to talk about when he's there?

-What?

-Me!

LAUGHTER

Oh, dear, no visitors again, ladies?

Shame. Some young people can be so thoughtless.

Of course, my grandson visits me every Sunday

and we have tea and cake.

-Oh, is that so?

-Oh, yes.

He's a lovely boy.

Ah, well...

-BOTH:

-How big is his danda, huh?

THEY CACKLE

Fine wines for a beautiful lady.

Ooh! Are we having something expensive?

How about some champagne? They say it's an aphrodisiac.

Although I wouldn't... Not on a first date.

Two glasses of tap water.

LAUGHTER

And the cheque, please.

'Coming soon, the heart-warming tale of a family

'whose kids were out of control.'

Wait, please, give us a chance!

That is the fifth au pair who's quit in a month.

-What are we going to do?

-Pray?

Or put an ad in the Punjabi Times.

'But then something magical happened,

'or rather someone, blown into their lives by a mysterious wind.'

LOUD FART

Oh, hello. What is that smell?

That is the smell of good old-fashioned Indian discipline.

And yesterday's daal. Hat hat!

'And so begins the adventure of a lifetime.'

And this is your new, all-the-way-from-India authentic nanny.

Meet Scary Poppat!

Hat hat!

'With a toe-tapping soundtrack including the unforgettable

'Thapard Round The Cakehole.'

# Just a thapard round the cakehole makes the children shut up

# The children shut u-up, the children shut up!

# It never did us any harm! #

'The hauntingly beautiful Clean The Bins.'

# Clean the bins

# Or get more of the same

# Thapard, thapard

# Thapard and pain

# Thapard, thapard... #

'And the show-stopping family favourite...'

'And, of course, lovable Punjabi, Cockney chimney sweep,

'Bertinda Singh.'

I loves you, Scary Poppet!

'Scary Poppet!

'Because some people think the bad old days were the good old days!'

RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS

I look down on him because I was born in Britain.

I am British.

I look up to him because he is British.

But I look down on him because he's an immigrant.

I am naturalised.

You want taxi?

My family came to this country from France in the 1670s.

That makes me more British than them.

My family came here from India in the 1970s.

So I'm less British than him,

but more British than him.

I just got here. You want taxi?

So, when things go wrong in this country, I get to blame them.

He gets to blame me.

But I get to blame him.

I'm off. Anybody want to buy taxi?

Recession hitting you hard?

All those bills getting you down?

Can't keep up with your mortgage payments?

Then you need an accident.

An accident?

Yeeeessss.

I-If you haven't been the victim of an accident that wasn't your fault

then maybe you should be.

Here at Lawyer Injuries 4U, we'll create an accident, just for you.

Need a new sofa?

Whiplash! £2,000!

Fancy a nice holiday?

Broken ankle, £10,000!

Of course, for complete peace of mind,

why not try our severance package?

Whatever your money worries, however small,

Lawyer Injuries 4U can help.

So if you want us to arrange an accident,

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And if he's not there, don't leave a message!

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Remember what we always say.

ALL: No pain, no gain!

Oh, no!

Listen, Esha, there's something I gotta tell you.

You gotta get on that plane, preferably before it leaves.

You're not coming, Ricky?

No, I gotta stay here in Madrasablanca.

No, Ricky, no. Last night we said...

CLEARS THROAT

Boarding pass, dikhao.

Is there a problem, officer?

Red stamp nayee lagee adithay!

The man said I didn't need a stamp.

No red stamp, flight cancelled!

Maybe this will make you forget about that stamp.

Ah, dikhao, red stamp.

Chalo, Chalo!

But I want to stay here with you, Ricky.

If you stay, nine chances out of ten, you'll wind up dead

or worse, letting down your parents, you see.

TRUMPET BLARES

Madam?

No, thank you. I've lost my appetite.

Oh. Well, maybe we can find it again, with the help of Mr Peanuts!

I know, Master Samosa!

"Excuse me, is this snack bothering you?"

"Oh, no, no bother, officer. He's my pal."

You're really beginning to annoy me. Scram!

TRUMPET BLARES

I don't care if I never see another samosa again.

Don't talk like that, Esha. You've got to eat samosas.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow

but soon and then for the rest of your life.

Samosa? Samosa?

Did you say samosa?

Oh Babuji, Bibiji, I haven't eaten for days!

My arms are broken!

-We're trying to talk here.

-I am so hungry.

-Get lost!

-Wait.

But what about us?

We'll always have Poona.

Please, Ricky, please! Why? Why do I have to go?

Because you're being deported, sweetheart.

That's what I've been trying to tell ya.

Here's looking at you, kid.

No! No!

SHE SOBS

-Do I look all right?

-Just sort out your caravanette.

There. You're going to make the ideal candidate

and I'm going to make the ideal candidate's wife.

-Oh, stop that for heaven's sake!

-Spoilsport.

-I just don't want anything to go wrong.

-Relax. It'll be fine.

Yooo hooo!

Surjeeta!

Veeeena!

St John and Vanessa, Dennis, you old...

Of course, of course, of course.

Well, what on earth are the Kapoors doing here?

Pronounced Cooper!

Of course, Cooper.

We're here for the interviews, aren't we?

Ha-ha, ha-ha. Interviewing, interviewing, interviewing.

So what party will you be standing for? Conserwative?

Oh, no!

Labia?

Certainly not.

Literal Demoprat?

Don't be ridiculous.

Dennis is going to be the next parliamentary candidate

for the UKIP.

What? But... But he can't.

I'm going to be the next parliamentary candidate for the UKIP.

I mean, what could be more English

than representing the United Kingdom Independence Party

in the Houses of the Parliament?

And after all, we are English.

Yes, WE are.

And Dennis loves his politics.

Oh-ho-ho! I doubt that.

Anybody know where the little boys' room is?

I think it's out of "order, order"!

Oh-ha-ha-ha-ha!

It's not bloody funny!

-I need to do a wee -wee.

-Well, you'll just have to hold it in.

Talking of holding it in, where do you stand on the EU?

The Ee-ew?

The Eee-yuropeanunion!

-I think we should come out.

-So do we.

Yes. We British must preserve our sovereignty.

-Can't let Johnny Foreigner tell us what to do.

-Exactly.

-And I hate Brussels.

-Me too.

Never liked broccoli either.

Look, you cannot be the UKIP candidate,

and that's all there is to it.

Yeah, I think that's up to the selection committee.

-Next, please.

-Oh, yes, that's us!

- Oh, no, I don't think so. - Oh, I do think so.

-Yes. Must be.

-No, no, no, I'm looking for a Dennis Cooper.

BOTH: What?!

Oh! Yes! Coo-ee! That is us! Dennis Cooper.

-You?

-Yes.

Dennis, it's time you showed them your credentials.

RUNNING WATER

Dennis?

Dennis!

Honestly, I was just seeing if it needed a watering!

It's your turn.

Ah. Returning, turning, turning...

Yes, old bean?

You're Dennis Cooper?

I am, and this is my good friend...

St John Robinson. How do you do?

And you both want to represent the UK Independence Party?

-Rather.

-I should coco.

Well, that's fantastic!

Ooh, it is, isn't it?

Absolutely. People are always trying to portray us as the racist party.

So having someone of your... ethnicity as a candidate

would be a real feather in our cap.

I'm not sure I'm quite with you, old fruity.

Here at UKIP we welcome all sorts into our midst -

Afro-Caribbeans...

Jews...

Even Asians.

Well, I don't like the sound of that.

Me neither. Let's go, darling.

Yes. Maybe we'll try the BNP.

Mmm! BNP...P...P...

If you could change one thing about you, what would it be?

Hmm. Probably my nose. I've always hated it.

What about you?

Well, I would give you bigger tits for a start.

Then I'd...

Cheque, please!

So this is the iPad Air.

-I mean, it's pretty special, I think you'll agree.

-Oh, wow!

Yeah. You got your A7 chip in there

giving you totally killer performance,

and all in something that weighs less than half a kilo.

-It's really nice.

-It is really nice.

What's really nice?

-Mum!

-It's the new iPad, madam.

Oh, aacha.

It's a tablet, Mum.

It's a cross between a laptop and a smartphone.

I'm thinking of getting one.

I see.

How much is it?

This particular one is 499.

Four... How much?

What is wrong with you? Huh? Why you wasting all your money here

when I can make it at home for nothing!

Mum! You can't make an iPad at home.

Of course I can.

All I need is a circuit board, a couple of food processors,

uh, onion, cumin, haldi...

and a small aubergine.

Mum. You can't make a tablet computer out of an aubergine.

It's ridiculous.

An aubergine is ridiculous?

But buying an Apple for £10 million...

-It's actually 499.

-You shut up!

It only weighs half a kilo!

Half a kilo?

Do you know how many kilos of aubergines I can buy for 499?

CRASHING

Mum, this is the modern world. Technology. Not like the old days.

Well, that's rubbish. It's all the same.

Laptops, computer, smarty phones -

I can make them all at home for nothing!

Now come on, we're leaving.

I'm sorry about this.

PHONE RINGS

Oh...

Hello?

SITAR PLAYS

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HAND-CYMBAL CLINKS

I am the Guru Maharishi Yogi...

..bringing enlightenment to you spiritually constipated westerners

straining on the toilet of ignorance with the light bulb missing.

Now, in these modern times of social networking and really big tellies,

I bring you my webcast entitled There's No Place Like Om.

Coming to you live from this cupboard...

from my temporary ashram

in the Ecuadorian Embassy, where I am currently enjoying a two-year holiday...

Now let us take a question from my website.

"Do you wish to enlarge your pe..."

SKYPE RINGTONE

Ah! We have a video call coming in

on the Skypie, from...SexySam42.

Oh, I can't wait to see what she looks like.

Ah! What the...

Are you a man or woman?

'I'm a man!'

Thank God. Right, what do you want?

'Well, I wanted to ask about The Ramayana.'

Right. Well, it's, er...

It's a holy book,

a series of holy books, in fact, with gods and demons and celestial magic.

HAND-CYMBAL CLINKS

Once, there was a little boy called Hari...

Puttar...

and very sad, you know, his parents had died and he was all alone. Aww.

And he always wondered, "What is my purpose in the life?"

But the gods, they knew young Hari was no ordinary boy

because the Demon King, whose name could never be said out loud

because it was really complicated, you know, like a South Indian name

like Uttapparramparam or suchlike

and he wanted to kill young Hari Puttar.

At God School did Hari's teacher, the great...Dhumbaladore Singh

said to him in the ancient Sanskrit...

HAND-CYMBAL CLINKS

"Gerrard Coutinho ya Flanagan...

.."Suarez Expecto patronum."

HAND-CYMBAL CLINKS

And this is meaning,

"You must face your fears, Hari,

"you must face your fears."

He did it just like that as well, just like that.

And then they did great battle

and defeated the evil Demon King, Voldem...attraputram

and they saved Hydrabad.

'That doesn't sound right.'

Oh, connection dropped, so sorry.

Time for Twitter meditation in 140 characters or less. Om!

OK, OK, settle down, settle down. Now, first things first.

The circulation figures are in, and we are the number one.

-Great!

-Yay!

India's most popular newspaper is officially The Delhi Mail.

-Get in!

-We are the number one, we are the number one!

All right, don't get carried away.

Let's not forget how we got to number one.

-By reporting the news?

-And...?

By pandering to the worst fears and prejudices of our readers.

Which means?

ALL: Demonising foreigners!

-Very good! Now, what have we got for tomorrow's paper?

-Oh!

-Aacha!

I've got something on the economy.

-Right.

-There has been an 8% growth in tourism,

mostly from the UK and America.

Aha! So we go with...

"Country Swamped by White Invaders!"

Ooh! "India Buried Under Pasty Blanket of Lazy Freeloaders."

Very good. Very good. Love it.

But we need quotes. We need the personal angle.

"I'm surrounded by them and there's more arriving every day," says hotel owner.

Brilliant. OK. Get me pictures of a couple of fat ones in Speedos

-and we'll stick it on page three.

-Yes, boss!

OK, what else?

A woman had a baby at the airport.

And...

-She's a white English woman.

-So...

"Evil White Slaver Smuggles a Baby Hidden In Her Womb."

Boom! That's what I'm talking about.

OK. What about sports?

-The IPL cricket is starting soon.

-Right. What's the angle?

There's a lot of white players.

That's right. I'm sick of these Gavin Hit-a-Balls coming over

and taking the sports meant for good Indian boys.

"Keep Cricket Indian. Whites Are For Wearing, Not Playing."

That's the back page sorted.

Sorry, can I say something?

Oh. Right. Everybody, this is, uh...

..Sa-teve.

He's on the ethnic minorities scheme.

Oh! In that case, we'll have three teas and a coffee, please!

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, that's very funny, but look, it seems to me

that by portraying all white people

as being feckless, greedy, immoral scroungers,

you might just be being a little bit racist.

Ooh!

I'm sorry, you're demonising us. You're turning us into hate figures.

What's your point, Sateve?

Surely having white people coming to India is a good thing.

How?

Well, like you said, there's the tourism for a start.

Yeah, you say they're tourists,

but loads of them come here and then they never leave.

They go to an area, completely take it over and change its character!

You can go to a beach in Goa today

and you'll be lucky to even see a brown face.

They don't integrate. They never bother to learn the language.

And they want to hold on to their own "customs and traditions".

You know, they wipe their bottoms using only paper.

-Eugh!

-OMG!

-I mean, it doesn't get rid of it, it just spreads it all around!

-Yes!

Well, it doesn't, but look, this is totally outrageous.

By peddling this relentless diet of hatred and lies,

and blaming us for anything you don't like,

you're distracting people from the real issues facing India today.

I see. So what do you suggest we cover, Sateve?

Well, how about the fact homosexuality has just been recriminalized?

-Quite right too.

-What?

Yes. It's disgusting. It's something else we got from you English

with your loose morals and perverted practices.

-Dirty!

-They're all whoopsies.

Is that right? Well, you might be surprised to learn

that the law criminalising homosexuality in India was brought in

by the British in the 19th century.

What? This is appalling!

-Exactly.

-We can't have foreigners coming over here

and imposing their weird religious views on decent Indian gays.

No!

They're taking us back to the Middle Ages!

Next thing you know we'll have the Archbishop of Canterbury

telling us what we can do and who we can do it with.

Hey, whitey! Hands off our homos!

-That's our front page!

-Brilliant!

Do you exfoliate?

Do you?

Yeah, every day.

RELIEVED SIGH

Me too.

What do you use?

Usually a picture of Carol Vorderman and an old football sock.

Wait a minute, what does exfoliate mean?

Ah. Cheque, please!

MUSIC A LA "BLURRED LINES"

Everybody wake up!

# Hoi, hoi, hoi!

# Hoi, hoi, hoi!

# Brrr-aaa!

# If I don't get myself a girl tonight

# It's cos my chaddies are a bit too tight

# It's totally in the bag

They're hens and I'm the stag

# Just want to get a shag

GOAT BAAS

# OK, now here's the deal

-# We're all domesticated

-A-ho!

-# But men need variety, you know it's in our nature.

-Rrr!

-# And here's the bit that's sweet

-Hoi hoi!

-# If girls are on the street

-A-ha!

-# That means they're up for it

-Hoi hoi!

# You shouldn't be out if you're a

# Good girl!

# I know you want it

# You know you want it

# We know you want it

-# Must be a

-Bad girl

# You're out on your own

# Without a husband

-# And wearing make-up

-I hate those

# Blurred lines!

# We thought you want it

# I know I want it

# But we don't want it

-# So you're a

-Good girl?

# It's so confusing

# And also bruising

# Let's just keep cruising

# You call us goddess

# Try to domesticate us

# Say we are sacred, then grope us on the night bus

-# Get rid of girl babies

-Shame shame

-# Sell us off with dowries

-Blame blame

# It's like the '70s

# Listen to me, there's no

# Blurred lines!

-# Do you have a sister

-You what?

-# Do you have a mother

-Watch it!

# Do you think they want to

# Disrespect girls

# This gropey-grabby

# It's not so classy

# When it's your Masi. #

# One thing I ask of you, don't tell our wives we've been boozing since half past two.

# Feeling sick, is it any wonder?

# Left a trail of chunder from here to Jullundhur

# Free your mind, intercept...

# Instead of macho crap try a bit of respect

# Teach your sons, it's a new world

# Cos every one of you came out of a girl. #

-Bleurgh!

-# There are no Blurred Lines

# It's very simple, don't touch my dimples

# Just read the symbols

# No blurred lines

# You say you want it

# Or you don't want it.

# At last they've got it. #

Goodness gracious me!