India Special 2015 Goodness Gracious Me
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
India. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:03 | |
The very name conjures up so much. | 0:00:03 | 0:00:06 | |
A land of contrasts and extremes. | 0:00:06 | 0:00:09 | |
The riches, the poverty. | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
The mountains and the desert. | 0:00:12 | 0:00:15 | |
The modern and the ancient. | 0:00:16 | 0:00:19 | |
Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
It's India. We get it. | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
I'm Art Malik. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:29 | |
I knew it! Mee-ow! | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
-Goodness gracious me! -Indian. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
Hello, everyone. Hope I haven't kept you waiting. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
-No, no, no. -Not at all. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:49 | |
-Everyone got coffee? -Erm... | 0:00:49 | 0:00:51 | |
Good. So, here we go. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:52 | |
Right, the latest viewing figures are in, yeah? | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
And we have a 20 share with a 65 reach and AI's in the low 80s. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:59 | |
That means we're the best. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:01:02 | 0:01:03 | |
Right, let's, er, talk about our top three rated shows. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:07 | |
I'm A Gujarati, Get Me Out Of Here... | 0:01:07 | 0:01:10 | |
Sardars In Their Eyes... | 0:01:10 | 0:01:11 | |
Tonight, Harry, I'm going to be Mr Singh. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:16 | |
..and our Islamic fundamentalist reality show, | 0:01:17 | 0:01:20 | |
Strictly No Dancing. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
Plus, starting next Sunday, it is our lavish, new costume drama... | 0:01:24 | 0:01:28 | |
Brownton Abbey. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
Sorry, sorry, can I say something, please? | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
Everyone, this is, er... | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
Sa-tee-vah. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
-He's our new head of diversity. -Oh, God. -Oh. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
Hey. You know I take the issue of diversity very seriously, OK? | 0:01:43 | 0:01:47 | |
It's very important to me, so please, er, continue, Dave. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:51 | |
-No, it's... Sorry, it's Steve. -Why, what did I say? | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
Never mind. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
Well, hi, everyone, thanks for having me in. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
Look, it's my feeling that there are probably enough | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
reality shows on TV already, | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
so how about some programmes which reflect a wider worldview? | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
Sorry, hello? Hello? | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
Oi, pay attention, everyone. Er, like, like what, Stanley? | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
Well... | 0:02:13 | 0:02:16 | |
how about having an English season? | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
-THEY GROAN -Here we go. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
I love it. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
-Er, me too! -Great idea. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:27 | |
OK, so come on, ideas, everyone. Come on, come on, come on. Ideas... | 0:02:27 | 0:02:31 | |
-OK, you! -HE STUTTERS | 0:02:31 | 0:02:35 | |
Something about the railways? | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
Railways. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:39 | |
-How about you? -Oh, ah, oh, what about, erm... | 0:02:39 | 0:02:43 | |
The Wonders Of England? | 0:02:43 | 0:02:46 | |
Travelling from East to West, Tower of London, Madame Tussauds... | 0:02:46 | 0:02:50 | |
Southall? | 0:02:50 | 0:02:51 | |
Or maybe just Southall? | 0:02:54 | 0:02:55 | |
Ah! | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
How about a 24-hour live broadcast | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
where we see a snapshot of the real English life? | 0:03:00 | 0:03:04 | |
What were you thinking? | 0:03:04 | 0:03:05 | |
A corner shop... | 0:03:05 | 0:03:06 | |
..in Wolverhampting! | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
Ah! | 0:03:10 | 0:03:11 | |
-Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant. -Now hang on. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
Oh, for goodness' sake, what is it now, Stuart? | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
I'm sorry, but you're clearly not taking this | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
whole issue of diversity seriously. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:20 | |
Of course we are. Come on. What are you talking about? | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
I'm going to have to insist on a series of representation targets | 0:03:22 | 0:03:25 | |
and quotas with proper penalties for anyone who fails to comply. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:29 | |
OK. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:33 | |
What about a series...on the great English luxury hotels? | 0:03:34 | 0:03:38 | |
-I don't really see how that... -Ah-ch-ch-ch! | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
Presented by a real English man, | 0:03:41 | 0:03:46 | |
with a generous expense account, | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
like, say, our new head of diversity. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
Unless, of course, you're really busy with all the quotas, Sean? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:55 | |
No, that sounds absolutely perfect! | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
-CHEERING -That's the one, let's do that. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
I'm going to be on TV! CHEERING | 0:03:59 | 0:04:03 | |
30 years after Richard Attenborough's portrayal | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
of the life of the Mahatma comes an extraordinary reimagining. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:10 | |
He was a man with a mission. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:14 | |
A man who couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, until he'd achieved his goal. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:18 | |
Columbia Pictures proudly presents a Martin Scorsese film. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:22 | |
NEW YORK ACCENT: You talking to me? | 0:04:24 | 0:04:27 | |
Excuse me, are you talking to me? | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
You must be. There ain't nobody else here. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
Gandhi, one man's descent into madras. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:38 | |
I don't know why we're inviting an English man around here anyway. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:47 | |
I hear they're very smelly, horrid people. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:51 | |
This one wants to trade with us. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:52 | |
Yes, but we have precious stones, spices, silks, tea. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:57 | |
-What have they got? -I know, I know. | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
GONG CHIMES | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
This must be him now. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:02 | |
Dinesh Kapoor, Maharajah of Chigwellipur. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:08 | |
Yoo-hoo! | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
Maharajah Surjit. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
You know the Maharani, of course. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:21 | |
Charmed. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
Have you met Sashi? | 0:05:23 | 0:05:24 | |
My little porcupine. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:28 | |
I think you mean concubine, my lord. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:05:34 | 0:05:35 | |
Porcupine, concubine, what is the difference? | 0:05:35 | 0:05:39 | |
Well, one of them has got 1,000 little pricks. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:43 | |
And the other one is a porcupine. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:45 | 0:05:46 | |
Well, lovely to... What do you want? | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
Well, Maharajah Dinesh received a letter | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
from a Mr Clive of the India inviting us here. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:57 | |
I think he wants to trade with u-u-us! | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
I think you've made a mista-ake. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
He's coming here to trade with us. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:06 | |
Wait a minute... | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
You don't think he's trying the old divide and rule? | 0:06:08 | 0:06:12 | |
I have no idea. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
Arithmetic was never my strong point. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
I'm more of the sporty type. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
Hm, and what is that, combat or swordplay? | 0:06:22 | 0:06:28 | |
Ping pong, actually. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
I think we should be mindful, the British are expanding in India, | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
and we Indians need to stick together. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:37 | |
GONG CHIMES | 0:06:37 | 0:06:38 | |
Major General Sir Robert Clive of the East India Company. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
Welcome, welcome to my humble...largest palace in India. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:51 | |
How do you do? I brought you this. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
-Oh, and what is that? -It's wine. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:57 | |
Oh, we've never had wine before. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
I like it. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:04 | |
Give me the bottle, whitey. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:07 | |
You mentioned something about | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
wanting to trade with us in your letter. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
Well, the East India Company is | 0:07:13 | 0:07:14 | |
looking for a partner in this part of the world. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
In exchange for spices, silks and tea, | 0:07:17 | 0:07:21 | |
-we could offer you some of our British exports. -Oh, such as? | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
Woolly hats... | 0:07:24 | 0:07:26 | |
the latest weaponry... | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
syphilis. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:29 | |
Oooh! | 0:07:31 | 0:07:32 | |
We're in! | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
If he's signing with anyone, he's signing with us. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
Why you? | 0:07:37 | 0:07:38 | |
Because...we are...more of the British than you. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:43 | |
How so? | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
Er, our home is a castle, | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
we hate the French, and Dinesh only has a bath once every three months. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:53 | |
Whether I need it not. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
Yeah, but you didn't bring a bottle, did you? Eh? | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
Bloody stingy bastard. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
Oh, please. I would hate to cause any trouble. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:07 | |
I'm sure that Maharajah Kapoor... | 0:08:07 | 0:08:09 | |
Ah, pronounced... | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
Cooper! | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
Yes, that's us. He is Den... | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
Denis, and I'm Charlotte Cooper. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:21 | |
Right, of course. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
And Maharajah Rabindranath... | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
Robinson! | 0:08:27 | 0:08:29 | |
Sinjin... Vanessa. | 0:08:29 | 0:08:32 | |
Well, I'm sure both of you have a lot to offer. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:36 | |
Now, look here, India. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:37 | |
We'll give you 200 camels, 47 elephants and all the spices, | 0:08:37 | 0:08:41 | |
silks and sandalwood you can eat. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:43 | |
I double whatever he says and 12 tonnes more of tea, | 0:08:43 | 0:08:48 | |
and the use of my porcupine on Sundays. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
Well, I have actually got a pair of contracts right here, | 0:08:51 | 0:08:55 | |
and, as it happens, two pens. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:57 | |
Give me, give me. | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
-Ha-ha! -Ha-ha! | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
No, you can keep those. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
Ooh, what's next, what's next? | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
Well, for a start, you can all bugger off. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
Huh? | 0:09:11 | 0:09:12 | |
This is my palace now. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:14 | |
HE CURSES | 0:09:14 | 0:09:17 | |
Or, as the English would say... | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
Oh, bollocks. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:20 | |
DOG BARKS | 0:09:23 | 0:09:24 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:09:28 | 0:09:29 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
HE FARTS | 0:09:38 | 0:09:39 | |
I'd give it five minutes. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:43 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
DOG GROWLS, HE GRUMBLES | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
Oh, I do hope you're not bored, my dear. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
Don't worry, if we're lucky, | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
we might get Granny to amuse us | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
with one of her hilarious, witty put-downs. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
Granny, darling. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:07 | |
What do you think of the delicious almond burfi? | 0:10:07 | 0:10:10 | |
-Oh, where's the -BLEEP -cook? | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
-I'll kill the stupid -BLEEP -bitch. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
-BLEEP -waste of space. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:15 | |
-Stupid -BLEEP. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
BANG! | 0:10:17 | 0:10:18 | |
Wise and wonderful words as always from Granny. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
You know, I have a funny feeling | 0:10:23 | 0:10:25 | |
there may be war and bloodshed soon. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
-Oh, for -BLEEP'S -sake, not again. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:30 | |
LOUD MUSIC | 0:10:33 | 0:10:34 | |
CLOUD SCREECHES HANDBRAKE CLICKS | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
CLOUD REVERSES | 0:10:38 | 0:10:39 | |
Excuse me, | 0:10:41 | 0:10:42 | |
you don't happen to know where the... | 0:10:42 | 0:10:44 | |
Oh, God, it's you. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:46 | |
God-ESS, if you don't mind. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:47 | |
-So. -So what are you doing here? | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
Oh, haven't you heard? | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
I've applied to become a DEITY. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:55 | |
SHE CHUCKLES | 0:10:55 | 0:10:56 | |
You? | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
-What's so amusing? -Oh, nothing. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:00 | |
It's just I heard that you'd been reincarnated | 0:11:00 | 0:11:02 | |
as a widemouthed frog. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
Funny, I heard you'd been reincarnated | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
as an asthmatic warthog... | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
..which would have been a promotion. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
Yes. So we're both applying. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
Yes. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:16 | |
And there's only one place available. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
Yeah. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:20 | |
Well, of course, I have been blessed with my six arms. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:24 | |
Oh, six is it? | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
I hadn't noticed. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:27 | |
I thought it was back fat. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
So... | 0:11:31 | 0:11:32 | |
How many worshippers have you got? | 0:11:32 | 0:11:34 | |
Oh, wait, let me see... | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
Yes, that is... | 0:11:39 | 0:11:40 | |
er, home... | 0:11:40 | 0:11:42 | |
funny cat videos... | 0:11:42 | 0:11:43 | |
Oh, yes, worshippers. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:44 | |
2,003,001. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
I've got over 40 million worshippers, | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
only two more before I get my blue tick. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:52 | |
Bugger. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
And look at what they've offered me. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:58 | |
SHE CHUCKLES | 0:11:58 | 0:11:59 | |
Mangoes and flowers. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
Ya, bargain basement, ha. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
-Is that so? Oh, yes. -Why, look. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
Only last week my followers gave me... | 0:12:07 | 0:12:09 | |
CLEARS THROAT | 0:12:09 | 0:12:10 | |
..a lorry load of laddus, | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
1,000 chickens, | 0:12:12 | 0:12:13 | |
eight Gucci Tucci diamond-studded saris | 0:12:13 | 0:12:16 | |
-and... -SHE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
..the latest One Direction DVD. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
Well, do you know how much my worshippers love me? | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
5,000 of them have decided | 0:12:23 | 0:12:24 | |
that they don't want their OWN religion any more. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:26 | |
They're going to start a NEW religion | 0:12:26 | 0:12:28 | |
where they will give me all their money and their possessions, | 0:12:28 | 0:12:30 | |
give me their firstborn child | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
and then they will spend 24 hours a day naked | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
sitting in a hall, chanting the name of their one true God... | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
SCREECHING: ME! | 0:12:38 | 0:12:39 | |
THUNDER ROARS | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
Silence! | 0:12:44 | 0:12:45 | |
We have made our decision. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:47 | |
The next verified deity will be... | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
Miturundundun munissisen! | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
CLOUD SCREECHES | 0:12:54 | 0:12:56 | |
Him? | 0:12:56 | 0:12:59 | |
BOTH: How big is his dunda? | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
THUNDERBOLT SCREAMING | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
Big enough. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:07 | |
MUSIC: Django's Tiger by Django Reinhardt | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
CHANTING | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
Mr Gandhi! | 0:13:15 | 0:13:17 | |
Mr Gandhi. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:18 | |
What do you think of Western civilisation? | 0:13:18 | 0:13:21 | |
I think it would be a good idea. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
I'm sorry, I'm late. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:24 | |
The march was only meant to be a few people and some satirists, | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
but the moment someone says free salt, | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
the world and his mother turn up. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:30 | |
Get him! | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
It's come to my attention that one of my daughters | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
wishes to marry a low caste rickshaw wallah. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
What I need to know is... | 0:13:47 | 0:13:48 | |
..which one of you is it? | 0:13:50 | 0:13:51 | |
Sorry, which one of you is the pretty one? | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
Oh, thank God. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:00 | |
Yeah, you can do whatever you like. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
HE SHOUTS | 0:14:05 | 0:14:06 | |
MUSIC: Blackadder by RAF Germany Band | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
Sir, sir, sir, sir! | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
Captain Brownadder, sir. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
Can it wait, Badri? | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
I'm about to have lunch. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
One week old chapatti and some of your home-made mango chutney. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
Sorry, sir. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
Although that is not actually mango chutney... | 0:14:39 | 0:14:42 | |
It says "mango" on the label. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:43 | |
There should be two words, sir. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
MAN...GO. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:48 | |
Although... | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
you might find a LITTLE bit of actual mango in there. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:56 | |
-Was there something you wanted, Badri? -Yes, sir. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
I bring you good news, sir. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:04 | |
Has the Bhangra troop arrived? | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
No, sir. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
We're going over the top. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:09 | |
Oh, great. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
When is this fun-packed day trip taking place, then? | 0:15:11 | 0:15:14 | |
Ten minutes, sir. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:19 | |
Marvellous, isn't it? | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
You volunteer for the British Indian Army, | 0:15:23 | 0:15:26 | |
hoping to spend a couple of years in Rajasthan riding on a small camel | 0:15:26 | 0:15:29 | |
wearing a silly hat. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:30 | |
And then before you know it, | 0:15:32 | 0:15:33 | |
you're 10,000 miles away facing certain death | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
in a freezing cold trench in Belgium. Still... | 0:15:36 | 0:15:39 | |
I don't suppose it could get much worse. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
Namaste, satsrikar and a great big salamu alaykum! | 0:15:41 | 0:15:44 | |
Then again... Hello, Lieutenant Jyoti. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:49 | |
I say, cap, isn't it wonderful, huh? | 0:15:49 | 0:15:51 | |
At last, a chance to give them | 0:15:51 | 0:15:54 | |
a jolly good taste of our cold British steel. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:57 | |
Yes, although, we're not actually British, are we? | 0:15:57 | 0:16:00 | |
We are British subjects, sir, | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
fighting for King and country. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:03 | |
That's why we're here. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
Hear, hear, sir. | 0:16:05 | 0:16:06 | |
I'm thinking of retiring there. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
I hear is very nice. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
I saw picture of it on biscuit tin. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:16 | |
Trust me, Badri, after the war, | 0:16:18 | 0:16:21 | |
a brown face in England will be about as welcome as a | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
vegetarian at a Muslim wedding. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
Hey! | 0:16:27 | 0:16:29 | |
Attention! | 0:16:29 | 0:16:30 | |
At ease, at ease. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:33 | |
Now then, | 0:16:33 | 0:16:34 | |
I'm looking for a Captain Brownadder. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:37 | |
Yes, I'm over here, General. | 0:16:37 | 0:16:39 | |
Ah, Brownadder. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:40 | |
I wanted to talk to you... | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
Well, I must say, Brownadder, | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
you might at least have washed your face | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
before appearing in front of me, man! | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
I'm sorry, sir? | 0:16:49 | 0:16:50 | |
Your face. It's all covered in mud. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
Oh, I see. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
No, it's not muddy, General, | 0:16:54 | 0:16:55 | |
it's...Indian. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
What! | 0:16:57 | 0:16:58 | |
But you're a captain, Captain! | 0:16:58 | 0:17:01 | |
Indeed, in the British INDIAN Army, sir. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:03 | |
We can't have brown chaps being officers. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:05 | |
-Why not, sir? -They're just not up to it. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
White troops have far superior intelligence, | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
leadership and soldiering skills. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:14 | |
Well, unfortunately, | 0:17:14 | 0:17:16 | |
the white officers used their superior skills | 0:17:16 | 0:17:18 | |
to get themselves all killed within 20 minutes of our arrival. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:22 | |
What about you? | 0:17:24 | 0:17:26 | |
I'm afraid I'm brown, too, sir. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:29 | |
But I did go to Cambridge. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:30 | |
Well, that's something, I suppose. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
Now, look here, you chaps, as you're aware, | 0:17:32 | 0:17:35 | |
in precisely... | 0:17:35 | 0:17:36 | |
three minutes from now you'll be going over the top. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
Hurray, hurrah and a balle, balle, balle! | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
Well, quite. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
I just wanted to say good luck | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
and rest assured that your contribution to the war effort | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
will not go unrewarded. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
In what way, sir? | 0:17:52 | 0:17:53 | |
Eh? | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
Well, perhaps India could finally be given her independence | 0:17:55 | 0:17:58 | |
and freedom from British Imperial rule? | 0:17:58 | 0:18:01 | |
-Certainly. -By which you mean... | 0:18:01 | 0:18:03 | |
Definitely not. | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
But you will not be forgotten. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:06 | |
In the songs and poems | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
and stories and classic situation comedies to come... | 0:18:08 | 0:18:12 | |
..your brave muddy looking brown faces... | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
..will always get a mention. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:20 | |
Hurray, huzzah and a bom-di-di-boom. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
-Jolly good. -Thank you, sir. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
Don't mention it. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:26 | |
Carry on, men. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:30 | |
General... | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
Perhaps some home-made mango chutney for the journey? | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
Don't mind if I do, Brownadder. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
Hmm, spicy! | 0:18:38 | 0:18:39 | |
From the man who brought you Lord Of The Rings and The Hobbit | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
comes a new tale of one tiny person's struggle | 0:18:46 | 0:18:49 | |
to overcome great odds. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:51 | |
They call me Gandhi the Brown. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
Gandhi, The Dissolution Of The Raj. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
BOTH: Oh, great Emperor Shah Jahan. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:12 | |
Sorry we're late. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
Yep, a few delays on the Maratha Empire's bathroom extension. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:19 | |
Can I just say, first off, | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
how chuffing grateful we are that you are chose | 0:19:21 | 0:19:25 | |
Khan, Khan, Arif & Khan as your preferred builders? | 0:19:25 | 0:19:28 | |
Cos as we both know, there's a lot of cowboys out there. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
And we're the Indians! | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
Have you seen my plans for new project? | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
-The Taj Mahal. -Oh, aye. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
-Oh, aye. -We have. -It's going to be a mausoleum for my dear departed wife. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:48 | |
My Mumtaz of the palace. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
Such a tender creature whose... | 0:19:53 | 0:19:56 | |
beauty I miss with all my being. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
Dead, is she? | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
Yes. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
She died whilst giving birth to our 14th child. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
14... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, 14th? | 0:20:15 | 0:20:17 | |
You want to get yourself a new hobby! | 0:20:17 | 0:20:20 | |
Me and the missus play Ludo, much safer! | 0:20:22 | 0:20:25 | |
Enough! | 0:20:26 | 0:20:28 | |
-Are you going to build it or not? -Oh, aye. -Aye, we are. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:31 | |
-We are and all, aye. -Good. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
Remember, I want this to be the finest monument to love | 0:20:33 | 0:20:38 | |
the world has ever witnessed. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:40 | |
A white marble monument. | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
I'm sorry, did you say marble? | 0:20:42 | 0:20:45 | |
-Yes, white marble. -Ooh. -Well... | 0:20:45 | 0:20:48 | |
-Well, that changes everything that does, aye. -Puts the price right up. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:52 | |
We were thinking chipboard with a nice marble finish. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
You can't tell the difference until you're right close up. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:01 | |
-You could do pine. -Ooh. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:03 | |
Flat pack, have it up in a day! | 0:21:03 | 0:21:06 | |
But just don't lose that funny little key. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:08 | |
I'm the Emperor Shah Jahan. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:15 | |
I have power and money beyond your imaginings. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:20 | |
I do not want a flat pack Taj Mahal. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:25 | |
-You're the boss, isn't he? -He's the boss. -Good. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
I want the finest white marble, lace, | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
and intricate carvings all over | 0:21:35 | 0:21:39 | |
and atop the dome a gold finial pointing heavenward. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:45 | |
What do you think? | 0:21:46 | 0:21:47 | |
Could we make a couple of suggestions? | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
-Two words for you... -Mm-hm. | 0:21:51 | 0:21:54 | |
Petting zoo. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
Petting zoo. Is this some kind of joke? | 0:21:57 | 0:22:00 | |
Next thing he'll be telling us, | 0:22:00 | 0:22:02 | |
he doesn't want the helter-skelter on the tower thingamajig. | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
Tower thingamajiggy? | 0:22:05 | 0:22:07 | |
These are minarets to exalt the name of God from, | 0:22:09 | 0:22:13 | |
not to slide down on manky old sacks! | 0:22:13 | 0:22:17 | |
I do not want my wife's tomb surrounded by four helter-skelters. | 0:22:17 | 0:22:23 | |
Agreed. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:24 | |
That's why we were thinking instead of four little minarets, | 0:22:24 | 0:22:26 | |
-why not one big one sticking up in the middle? -What?! | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
Yeah, instead of your one big dome, bugger to clean, | 0:22:29 | 0:22:31 | |
have two smaller domes either side. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:33 | |
Look, I... I don't see how. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:36 | |
I know, I know and that's why... | 0:22:36 | 0:22:37 | |
We've done an artist impression. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:41 | |
-It looks like a massive... -Helter-skelter. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:48 | |
This is supposed to be a teardrop | 0:22:48 | 0:22:52 | |
on the face of eternity. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
Not a boil on the arse of a weekend! | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
-We'll go back to your original plans. -Thank you. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:01 | |
Right, so we'll get cracking | 0:23:01 | 0:23:03 | |
as soon as we've finished painting your new imperial palace. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:06 | |
Oh, yes. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:07 | |
The centrepiece of the mighty Mughal Empire. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:10 | |
A magnificent red fort. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:13 | |
This is where we're developing the next big project. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:35 | |
Wow! | 0:23:35 | 0:23:36 | |
You guys are at the cutting edge of space exploration. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:40 | |
The best thing is the cost, how do you do it all so cheaply? | 0:23:40 | 0:23:43 | |
Team effort. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:44 | |
Yeah, but your chief engineer must be a genius. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:47 | |
-I really don't want to discuss that. -Hello, Beta. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
-Maji. -Who is this? | 0:23:51 | 0:23:54 | |
This is Dave from the UK Space Agency. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
Ah. | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
And this is our chief engineer. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:02 | |
She's your mother? | 0:24:02 | 0:24:03 | |
Yes, I was very proud of my son, you see, | 0:24:03 | 0:24:06 | |
working for the India Space Programme | 0:24:06 | 0:24:10 | |
and then he told me how much it was going to cost. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:13 | |
-Space travel is expensive, Maji. -Rubbish. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
Hundreds of millions of pounds for a satellite | 0:24:15 | 0:24:19 | |
when I could make it at home for nothing! | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
All I needed was some recycled circuit boards, | 0:24:22 | 0:24:26 | |
a few fireworks, an old ambassador car | 0:24:26 | 0:24:30 | |
and a small aubergine. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:34 | |
So this is how you managed to do the Mars probe so cheaply? | 0:24:38 | 0:24:41 | |
It wasn't cheap! | 0:24:41 | 0:24:42 | |
It cost £74 million. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:45 | |
The Americans spent much more than that, Maji. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
And if the Americans jumped in front of a bus, would you do that also? | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
-So, tell me, what are you working on next, mate? -Top secret. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:53 | |
No, Beta, tell him. Tell him. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:57 | |
We're developing a craft to democratize space travel. | 0:24:57 | 0:25:00 | |
A bit like the Branson project. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:02 | |
Yes, except with real people, | 0:25:02 | 0:25:04 | |
not just millionaires with more money than sense. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:07 | |
Tell him what it's called, Beta. | 0:25:07 | 0:25:10 | |
It's called a Baraat International Geo Astral Navigational project. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:15 | |
Or Bigan for short. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:16 | |
-Do you want to see what it looks like? -Yes, please. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
-Are you sure? -Yes. -Ready? | 0:25:20 | 0:25:24 | |
Ta-da! | 0:25:24 | 0:25:25 | |
I mean, that looks like an aubergine. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
Thank you. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
How many people are you planning to fit in that? | 0:25:34 | 0:25:36 | |
-Oh, 250. -250?! -Yes. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:40 | |
15 will go on the inside, yeah? | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
And then the rest will cling onto the sides and the roof. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:46 | |
It's the Indian way! Wheee! | 0:25:47 | 0:25:49 | |
-Gandhiji. -Nehruji. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
I believe that we can force the British to quit India | 0:25:56 | 0:25:59 | |
through non-violent means alone. | 0:25:59 | 0:26:02 | |
-BLEEP -that. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:06 | |
MUSIC: Miserlou by Dick Dale And The Deltones | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
Quentin Tarantino's Gandhi Unchained. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:18 | |
Indian. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:21 | |
Indian. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:25 | |
Indian! | 0:26:26 | 0:26:28 | |
You were dreaming. I got you a cup of tea. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:31 | |
-Is it...? -Indian, of course. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
Why does everything have to be Indian with you, Dad? | 0:26:36 | 0:26:39 | |
Well, son, I'll tell you. | 0:26:40 | 0:26:43 | |
You see it's like this... | 0:26:43 | 0:26:44 | |
PIANO STARTS TO PLAY | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
# When I hear young people whingeing | 0:26:46 | 0:26:49 | |
# About my country gets me cringing | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
# You ungrateful sods have nothing good to say | 0:26:52 | 0:26:56 | |
# To avoid their low opinion | 0:26:57 | 0:27:00 | |
# I just think of all things Indian | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
# And in moments all the blues are blown away | 0:27:03 | 0:27:08 | |
# Because... | 0:27:08 | 0:27:09 | |
# India is great, India is good | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
-# I've never been there -Then you should | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
# Get off the settee and this bungalow | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
# As I tell you all the Indian words I know | 0:27:21 | 0:27:25 | |
# Jodhpurs and shawl | 0:27:25 | 0:27:26 | |
# Saris and patties | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
# Dungarees and bangles | 0:27:28 | 0:27:29 | |
# Don't go out without your chutneys | 0:27:29 | 0:27:31 | |
# Still don't get why the hullabaloo | 0:27:31 | 0:27:34 | |
# There's a clever boy, that's an Indian word, too | 0:27:34 | 0:27:37 | |
# Juggernaut, cashmere | 0:27:37 | 0:27:38 | |
-# Khaki, loot -Indian! | 0:27:38 | 0:27:40 | |
-# Polo, Ludo, avatar, cheroot -Indian! | 0:27:40 | 0:27:43 | |
# Pashmina, veranda, bandana, gymkhana | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
# Pariah and guar, pyjama and nirvana... | 0:27:46 | 0:27:49 | |
MUSIC: Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana | 0:27:49 | 0:27:53 | |
# India is brilliant for me and you | 0:27:53 | 0:27:55 | |
# Get out of my head, Dad | 0:27:55 | 0:27:57 | |
-# Try shampoo -Indian! | 0:27:57 | 0:27:59 | |
# So much from India, you'd be stunned | 0:27:59 | 0:28:02 | |
# Time for a dance, pass my Indian cummerbund | 0:28:02 | 0:28:04 | |
# Sanskrit, Tamil and Hindustani | 0:28:08 | 0:28:11 | |
# Language is created by the Swami Army | 0:28:11 | 0:28:14 | |
# Button, steel, ink, rocket, such a massive tally | 0:28:14 | 0:28:17 | |
# Calm down, Dad, this is driving me doolally | 0:28:17 | 0:28:20 | |
# Doolally, Indian word! | 0:28:20 | 0:28:23 | |
# India's the greatest | 0:28:23 | 0:28:24 | |
# India's the daddy | 0:28:24 | 0:28:26 | |
# We gave the world badminton, chess and kabaddi | 0:28:26 | 0:28:29 | |
# Indian summers, Indian tea | 0:28:29 | 0:28:32 | |
# And best of all from India | 0:28:32 | 0:28:37 | |
# Me! # | 0:28:37 | 0:28:40 | |
And me! | 0:28:40 | 0:28:42 |
