Many Happy Returns Goodnight Sweetheart

# Goodnight Sweetheart Sweetheart

# Till we meet tomorrow

# Goodnight sweetheart Sweetheart

# Sleep will vanish sorrow

# Dreams enfold you

# In each one I hold you

# Goodnight sweetheart, goodnight! #

Almost there.

Dad, the world's going to end and we're missing the programme!

War's no laughing matter, Michael.

Especially with these atomic bombs.

Well, there's only one thing for it.

Percussive maintenance.

REPORTER: Reports indicate that Mr Khrushchev has issued an order

to start dismantling the USSR's nuclear missile bases in Cuba.

Oh, thank God!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, Gary! Well, it doesn't matter now, does it?

The Russians have backed down.

I told you normal service would be resumed, didn't I?

You did, Gary. You were right about Cuba.

Just like you were right about Suez and the Berlin Wall.

And skiffle. I never saw that coming.

Well, sometimes I get lucky, you know?

Oh, don't be so modest.

You're a proper Gypsy Rose Lee.

She was a stripper, Reg.

Well, then the other one, who tells your fortune over Petticoat Lane.

Gypsy Rose Levy?

That's the girl.

HE CHUCKLES

You know what? All this nuclear brinkmanship's made me quite peckish.

What's for tea? Rissoles.

Again?

If you don't like my cooking.

No, no. I just thought. Well, who fancies fish and chips?

Me. Always.

Can't get enough of it. Well, it is brain food, Uncle Reg.

Cheeky monkey!

What about the dog? He's already eaten.

I mean his walk.

Oh, sorry.

Come on then, Ron. Walkies.

There we go.

Rissoles! Again!

I'd kill for a lamb pasanda.

Or crispy duck and pancake.

Or an American hot with extra hot. Ah...

I love Phoebe and Michael.

RON WHINES All right, and you.

I'm so bored!

And I'm missing out on so much.

In the 21st century, they've probably landed on Mars,

cured cancer, and achieved European unity.

If only I could get back.

Get back to where I once belonged.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Erm... Big David Bowie fan.

Come on, Ron.

Hurray for the Swinging '60s.

That was quick. Did you get me a gherkin?

Sorry, I got sidetracked.

Did you remember I like my haddock with the skin off?

You didn't remember anything.

You're starting to lose your marbles in your old age, Gary, my son.

I'm only 52.

Only till next week.

We staggered through streets of dust and death.

Our brains boiling in the mushroom madness of pitiless plutonium.

What are you on about?

It's a poem I wrote. It's called Pain.

I'm going to send it to the New Statesman.

I knew we should have apprenticed you to Sid the plumber.

How could I forget my own birthday?

Well, they do come around pretty fast at your age, Dad.

Maybe I'm suffering from delayed brain damage.

My mum always said I was dropped on my head as a baby.

Not you and all?

No point in worrying about it, love.

Can't turn the clock back, can you?

I don't need to turn back the clock, do I, Ron?

I need to be at St Mary's Hospital next Thursday.

Because that's the day that I have been born.

BABIES CRY

Mint Imperial?

Don't mind if I do.

Your first, is it? Yeah.

Yeah, normally buy Polos.

I meant your first child.

Right, yes.

George Sparrow. Gary Lineker.

That's funny. Is it?

Why? We're going to call it Gary.

If it's a boy. Well, let's hope it is, then.

Terrible name for a girl.

I'll drink to that.

Better not. Got the car outside so...

Me and all. What's that got to do with the price of fish?

No, I mean, you want to keep your wits about you because...

..between you, me and the X-ray machine, when my last was born here,

the midwife nearly dropped him on his head.

So this time, I'm going to be in there with my wife,

right by her side. You mean...

While it's all...

While it's all coming out?

Well, the way I see it, if you were there at the conception...

Oh, yeah. Course I was! Why?

Who's been talking? ..you should be there at the delivery.

WOMAN SCREAMS

That sounds like my Gladys.

GLADYS: George!

George! She needs you, George!

George, get in there! Get in there now

and make sure they don't drop me on my head.

BABY CRIES

I suppose this is the excuse for a father.

And you are?

The excuse for an uncle.

Then you can say hello to your new nephew.

No, I...

...you shouldn't let that man treat you that way, you know...

...to Myanmar...

Excuse me.

Sorry, excuse me. Could I just ask...

Sorry, excuse me, could you...

Yes, pal?

Yes, mate?

What happened to those phone boxes?

Ah, nobody uses phone boxes these days, innit?

I do. Oh! You ain't got a phone?

No. Then you've come to the right place, bruv.

I can do you a recon smartphone for 50 quid.

A smartphone? Or a dumb phone.

If all you want to do is like talk to people!

What else would I want to do with it?

Well, duh. E-mail, video, Facetime, Spotify, podcasts...

No, I just. ..Twitter, Snapchat, Tinder.

Or Grindr, if that's what floats your boat.

No, I just need... Instagram, Angry Birds, emojis, Kindle.

No, I just need... Fish Brain, Right Move, Dropbox, WhatsApp...

I'll call you back, yeah?

Where have you been, bruv?

Away. Ah, what, like inside?

How long for? What year is it now?

2016. 17 years.

Bro... Long stretch.

Respect.

I just need a phone to call a friend.

Ah, yeah, sweet. You can use my phone if you want, bruv.

Oh, thank you.

Where's the keyboard?

Oh, you just tap the icon.

The icon. Tap the... Pass it here.

I'll do it.

What's his number?

04372...

Nah, bruv. It can't be. All mobiles start with 07.

Since when? Since forever.

What? They let you out, did they?

Are you sure you didn't escape?

Have you Googled him? Well, of course not.

We're just good friends. No, no, no, no.

What's his name?

Ron. Ron Wheatcroft.

Ron. No Ron-Ron Wheatcroft.

Better idea. Try Lady Yvonne Sparrow.

You know Evil Yvonne?

Evil Yvonne? Yeah! She's like a dragon, ain't she?

She wasn't easy to live with, but I don't think...

No, no, no. Dragons' Den.

It's this TV programme where poor people come on with all their dreams

and rich people make them cry. It's on YouTube.

Which is what? Mate, are you sure you weren't in Guantanamo Bay?

We've seen some bizarre inventions on this programme,

but this one really takes the biscuit.

You're wasting my time, the Dragons' time, and the viewers' time,

because there is no way this thing'll ever get off the ground.

I'm out.

No sign of your dad?

Nobody's seen him all day.

Probably doing his secret work.

What secret work? Well, he was a spy, wasn't he, in the war?

For us, not for them.

Dad was a songwriter in the war.

That was just his cover.

He did write songs.

Lovely songs.

# I can fly higher than an eagle

# For you are the wind beneath my wings... #

Personally, I always preferred Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick.

Hit me! Hit me!

HIT ME!

And after that, he just gave it all up.

He said he'd been abandoned by his moose.

Not his moose, Reg.

His muse. I wish I had dad's talent.

Everyone's starting up groups.

There's this new one I heard last night on Radio Luxembourg, The Beatles.

It was really different. It was like...

PLAYS LOVE ME DO ON MOUTH ORGAN

Where did you get that? I swapped it for a fountain pen.

I hope you gave it a good rinse.

What's wrong with leaving the ink in?

I meant the mouth organ. It'll be full of germs.

I've heard it before. Play that bit again.

PLAYS LOVE ME DO

# Love, love me do

# You know I love you... #

How do you know that song, Uncle Reg?

One of your dad's. We used to sing it down the shelter

when the doodlebugs were coming over.

Dad's finally sold one of his songs?

Oh, I bet he didn't sell it.

Knowing his luck, they stole it.

Wouldn't be the first time. It would not, Reg.

Half the songs in My Fair Lady were nicked off your dad.

It's "I Could Have Danced All Night" all over again.

Is this Dragons' Den?

Why? What have you invented?

A silly hat?

I'm here to see Lady Sparrow.

Oh, is she expecting you, sir?

Hardly. But I think she'll want to see me.

I am her husband.

Well, in that case, can I ask you to wait over there?

With the other husbands.

HORN BEEPS

You stupid...

Gary! Ron?

Oh, my God! When did you land?

Today. An hour ago.

How? It doesn't matter.

It never made sense anyway.

And it's your birthday.

You remembered. Oh, every year, Yvonne and I

crack open a bottle of champagne

and raise a glass to the best man we ever knew.

Really? Of course not, you duplicitous egomaniac!

You ran out on us!

I didn't intend to.

Go on, get in. Tell me everything.

MUSIC: Hello by Adele

Wow! This is like something from Star Wars!

I know!

So, what are you doing here? I'm collecting Yvonne.

Oh. Are you two an item?

What? No!

I won't deny there was a brief moment when I thought, nay hoped,

that we would be thrown together by our mutual grief at your loss.

She knocked that on the head pretty sharpish.

But out of the goodness of her heart,

she allows me to live in her basement.

In return for odd jobs, bit of driving, that sort of thing.

I can't believe you're here!

Does this mean you're back in the old routine?

Two wives, two time zones, lots of lying and deceit.

Me having to cover for you.

Cos I've really missed that!

No, Ron. I'm not going to lie any more.

I just need to see Yvonne and apologise for the pain I've caused.

You'll have a job.

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Yvonne. You outside?

Your carriage awaits, m'lady.

Why do you always say that, Ron? You're so predictable.

I'll be out in a minute. Ready when you are, m'lady.

DIAL TONE BEEPS

I'll show her predictable.

Get in the back.

How did it go? Oh, usual bunch of losers and fantasists.

That's why they love you on that show, Yvonne.

Your empathy. Cheer up.

I've got a fantastic investment opportunity for you.

I'm not interested, Ron.

Not after your cat cloning debacle.

This is different.

I've met someone who's discovered the secret of time travel.

SHE LAUGHS DERISIVELY

Hello, Yvonne.

...And then my dad fainted, so the midwife handed me to me.

And you know how you can't bring the same poles of two magnets together?

Schrodinger's Cat.

Yeah.

Well, the next thing I know, I'm back in my old shop, except now,

it's some trendy, overpriced burger joint.

Hoof and Claw. Yvonne's the owner.

35 branches and counting.

Your old shop was the first one.

Does that make me a partner?

No, because I had you declared dead.

I had to move on.

You've remarried? After you?

Ah, couldn't find anyone to follow me, you mean?

I mean, once bitten, twice shy.

Not that I've been a nun.

She's not kidding. I had to soundproof the basement.

Ron!

You know you broke my heart, Gary.

I didn't mean to. Oh, so someone forced you to be a bigamist.

It wasn't my fault I got trapped in the past.

Or else you'd still be stringing two wives along!

I always loved you both.

Are you and Phoebe still together?

Yes, of course.

Haven't got a bit on the side tucked away during the Boer War?

I can see why you preferred her.

I didn't.

Not exactly. Why did you keep going back then?

The powdered egg?

I just always felt inadequate around you.

Oh, so it was my fault, was it?

Is that your Michael?

Yeah.

Doing his A-levels.

He's great, Ron. And you've got a dog!

Yeah, yeah. Part of the family.

He's a bit out of condition, isn't he?

He is, yeah. He's a fat, lazy, old bugger, actually.

RON LAUGHS

All he ever does is eat and sleep.

What do you call him?

Ron? You called your dog Ron?

He was a puppy!

We had no idea he was going to be such a disa...

..ppointment.

Well, thank you for coming back from the dead

and churning up all the feelings I thought I'd managed to work through.

What sort of feelings? Angry, vengeful feelings, Gary!

Now, I think you'd better be getting back to your family

because with the best will in the world,

there's nothing for you in 2016, is there?

I wouldn't say nothing, Yvonne.

What are you doing home?

I ran away from school.

Again? It'll save them the hassle of excluding me

when they find out I blew up the headmistresses' bidet.

Ellie, this is the third school.

I know, Mum.

I can count. Oh, good.

So that 40 grand year wasn't a total waste.

You can afford it!

Anyway, you only sent me there so you could bring weird blokes back.

I'm not weird!

He is. No, I'm not.

I'm... He's an old family friend.

I've never seen him before.

And why is he staring at my legs?

What happened to your jeans?

Gary's been away.

Where? Fashion prison? All right if I have a glass of wine?

You're 16! So? Lighten up, Mum!

I've had it up to here with you, Ellie!

Tomorrow morning, I am driving you back to Cheltenham Ladies College,

where you can apologise and beg for mercy!

You can't tomorrow, Yvonne.

You've got the House of Lords committee on Child Neglect.

Right. Tomorrow, Ron is driving you back to Cheltenham...

You're such a hypocrite!

And you're a spoilt brat! Now, you can go to your room!

Argh!

And she's your daughter.

Don't you dare criticise me!

It's not my fault she grew up without a father, is it, Gary?

You mean she's our daughter?

Well, of course she is, you plank!

Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?

Because I didn't find out until after you'd vanished

into the mists of time! And you've never told her about me?

Tell her what? That her father's an incompetent time traveller?

So who does she think her father is?

Some two-timing bastard...

Ha! Literally.

..who abandoned us when I was pregnant.

And don't you ever tell her otherwise.

I'm not likely to get the chance now, am I?

Not if I've got anything to do with it, no!

Don't let me keep you from the bosom of your family.

Right.

Goodbye, mate.

Ron, you couldn't give me a lift...

He's busy. The Tube station's down the road.

I've only got old money.

Doesn't matter.

I feel like a walk.

You're kidding!

You still have buses, then? What?

Buses. Big, red things, full of old people and drunks.

I've seen them. I've never been on one.

Your mum thinks you're still in your room.

How did you escape? I'm a member of the school abseiling club.

?150 a term.

Worth every penny.

So, where are you going now? Sleepover? Rave?

I've got to get back to school before lights out.

You aren't being expelled, then?

No. I had a day's study leave and I needed my tablet.

You're not well? No.

My tablet.

Duh.

Oh, yes, yes. That's called a tablet. I know.

Still, you could always cut your mum a little slack, you know?

Or is that looked down on in abseiling circles?

That's quite funny. For a weirdo.

Yvonne's not so bad.

You try living with her. I did.

What?

Well, you know, way back.

Students. Shared house.

Before you were born.

Did you know my dad?

A bit.

We were around at the same time.

Was he as big a tosser as my mum says?

No! Well, he was a bit immature and self-centred, maybe.

Bit of a dreamer.

But a really lovable bloke.

Terrific sense of humour,

loyal, intelligent.

If he was so loyal, why did he walk out on us?

Maybe he didn't know about you.

I haven't told mum, but when I'm 18, I'm going to go and look for him.

Course, he may not want to know me.

I bet he would.

Taxi for Ellie? Yep.

What happened to engines?

You're OK. Odd, but interesting.

See you around? I hope so.

Want a lift?

Yes. Thank you.

MUSIC: Hello by Adele

Would you mind turning that up, please?

Married to the owner.

Can you hurry up? I have to go.

TOILET FLUSHES

Thank you.

HE SCREAMS

I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

Normal service has been resumed.

Yes. Yes, I understand.

No news is good news, I suppose.

Thanks.

He's not at the Hackney Hospital.

Right, let me think.

Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Gary! Where have you been all day?

In hospital. ALL: What?

What? Well, not in, at.

Having tests. You applied for a hospital job?

Tests on my brain, Reg.

You know, the memory loss.

What did they say?

I can't remember.

You!

THEY LAUGH

They said I'm fine. Everything's fine.

Couldn't be better.

Well, you're home now, sweetheart.

Many happy returns.

Nice to be back.

# Happy birthday to you... #

Hold on, Reg. We haven't had the candles yet.

And that'll take all night.

Come on, Gary. Give us one of your songs.

Oh, I don't know. Go on, Dad! Sing Love Me Do.

I don't think I know that one.

You wrote it.

You sure those memory tests are on the level?

I know. I'll sing a new one I've written.

Looks like his moose is back.

MUSIC: Hello by Adele

# Hello from the other side

# I must have called a thousand times

# To tell you I'm sorry

# For everything that I've done

# When I call you never seem to be home

# Hello from the other side... #

# Goodnight, sweetheart Sweetheart

# Though I'm not beside you

# Goodnight sweetheart Sweetheart

# Still my love will guide you

# Dreams enfold you

# In each one I'll hold you

# Goodnight sweetheart, Goodnight! #

What's new on BBC Two?

A proper divorce is built on a solid foundation of hate.

Mum?!

I can see you!

If it was men doing the feeding, there would be blokes

all over this cafe with their breasts out.

This is a semidetached house. If we argue,