Episode 1 Harry & Paul

This programme contains very strong language

-'Next on Dragons' Den, Ken and Bryan, solving all the world's problems.'

-Dragons.

I am Bryan, with a "y", and this is my partner Ken.

-Hello.

-And together, we are co-founders and directors of Total World Solutions.

And we would like to present to you today,

our all-encompassing and also portable solution to all the world's problems. Ken.

'There's a problem.'

I've left it in the car.

'Ken has left the solution to all the world's problems in the car.'

Would it be all right if I went out to the Avensis and got it?

No!

'The Dragons are not pleased.

'And Ken and Bryan are now so nervous, that they've melted.'

# Hurrah for Harry and Paul

# Your comedy is challenging and bold

# You're both incredibly handsome and tall

# You're not even beginning to look old

# We try to increase production of flat-screen televisions

# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions

# We're pleased to let you bed our wives whenever your fancy beckons

# We'll fight with all of our might

# For your right to defend with nuclear weapons

# Love for Harry and Paul. #

Have you heard of Michael Gove?

Michael Gove, Michael Gove, Michael Gove, Michael Gove,

Michael Gove, Michael Gove, Michael Gove, Michael Gove, Michael Gove...

-Yes.

-Do you think he's...?

-He sounds like a quare.

I was just going to say the very same thing. Yes.

He does sound like a quare! And he looks like a quare.

Oh, goodness me, doesn't he look like a quare? Quaring away all over your newspaper.

Making my paper all quary and quare. I heard him on the wireless this morning.

-Did he sound like a quare?

-Oh, he sounded like a frightful quare.

He was quaring away all over the House of Commons,

quaring out of my Roberts Radio, all over my breakfast.

Did he quare over your runny eggs?

I had porridge.

I met his wife once. She's a fine woman. I wanted to grope her breasts.

Did you ask her why she married a quare?

-No. I wanted to grope her breasts. Have you seen his wife?

-No.

You'd like to grope her breasts, really.

Right. Well I shall put him down as a quare and add an asterisk here,

saying, "footnote - wife's breasts gropable".

QUESTION TIME THEME PLAYS

If I could come to you, sir... the gentleman in the red jumper.

Yes, well, firstly, if bankers the bonuses the bankers the bonuses, it's disgusting.

And secondly, if the Tories were really serious about it,

they'd tax the bankers the bonuses the 90%!

If all the Eton Tories that went to Harrow School had gone to comprehensives

then perhaps we'd still have the grammar schools, actually.

Thank you.

That's an original comment - I'm being sarcastic, of course.

Now, if you are a moronic whinger and you would like to make a fool of yourself

in the Question Time audience with a witless lame remark,

next week we'll be at the former Polytechnic of Grey Buildings -

now, of course, Cambridge Ring Road University.

But back to tonight,

and what the audience think of what they've heard so far.

If I could go to you, sir, in the blue tie.

-Good evening, Jonathan.

-It's David. My brother's Jonathan.

We'll come back to you. You, sir... at the back in the green pullover,

do you have a cliched thought for us?

No, just let the microphone get to you.

Yes, I just don't understand this Tracy Emin art.

Thank you. You, sir, with the sweat - shall we try again?

Um, my question to the panel is um...

does the panel think...

Um.... surely if we all have got to all of pay for them.

Um, the ones whom...

Going to have to leave it there. Gentleman down the front in the blue pullover.

Does the panel think Boris Johnson would make a better Boris Johnson than Boris Johnson?

Thank you - the woman in the pink cardigan with big teeth.

If the BBC spent more less money on better programmes -

then it wouldn't be such an insult to the licence fee payer.

And of course,

if you are Twitter and tweet then you can Twitter and tweet us at the BBC

and I for one, of course, will not look at a word you write.

If I could go to the gentleman over there, in the funny beige jumper.

Wouldn't it be better if the Government just admitted they got it wrong?

Thank you. And the sweaty man - one more go?

No? And now our final question, the lame jokey question,

which comes this week

from Bryan Farnet of Frien Barnet.

Yes, David. If the panel was on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here,

would they make a Jordan or George Osborne eat slugs?

David Tory?

Ha ha ha, I've never actually wha ha ha ha, but ha ha ha.

Baroness Token?

Well, I also have never ha ha ha, but ha ha ha.

Ed Sillyband.

Well, I also have never ha ha ha, but I do think there is an important point to make here

which is the Tories, the Tories, the Tories.

I'm going to have to stop you there, we're running out of time.

David, if you'd allow me to finish my sentence, the Tories.

And finally, funny person and comedian who wants to be taken seriously. Jimmy Gag.

Anal sex?

Well, we've run out of time, thank God.

Next week, our panel includes the Chancellor of the Exchequer, the chairman of BP,

and Dappy from N-Dubz. But, from all of us here at the University of Tired, Sheffield, good night.

Excuse me.

-Yes?

-I'd like to murder my wife.

And I was wondering if you'd like to murder your wife too?

I see...

Because if you wanted to, I could murder your wife,

and you could murder my wife.

That way, we'd probably get away with it.

Erm...yes, very well.

Well, that's splendid! Shall we swap addresses and telephone numbers?

Yes, certainly.

Excuse me, I overheard. I'd like my wife murdered as well. Would that be possible?

Oh, no. I don't think I can do that. It might get complicated.

-Well, I suppose

-I

-could murder your wife.

-And I could murder yours in return.

-Well, I'd be happy enough just murdering your wife.

My wife is a good sort.

Well, I think you'll find it's easier if you did murder his wife, otherwise things will get confusing.

Very well.

Excuse me, I'd like my wife murdered

and I'm quite prepared to murder somebody else's wife, if that's what it takes.

Now, wait a minute, it's not quite that straightforward.

We're all paired up, as it were.

HE SIGHS

Oh, unless, of course... Would you care to have your wife murdered, too?

That's not a bad idea, I suppose. But it might be a bit too close for comfort - she's on the train,

we're travelling together.

It might look a bit suspicious if you were to... Oh, wait, here she comes now.

Middleton 451, please.

Hello, is that Mrs McGillicuddy?

It's Mrs Fleming here.

I've just murdered all the husbands. Let's never speak again.

Goodbye.

-Good morning, good morning good morning.

-How lovely to meet you - We're minor royals.

Yes. We've been overshadowed by William and Kate, but it couldn't matter less.

We still have an important role to play.

What an enticing convenience store!

And what a snug little spot you have behind your counter -

you've got your mobile telephone there, your can of Lucozade here - everything just so.

And what a wonderful place Willesden is!

No visas, no jabs.

And so much quicker to get to for the weekend than Morocco.

It really is a hidden gem.

Our daughter, Izzy, has just moved here.

She's moved in with her chappie.

We're very, very pro it all.

-He doesn't say much.

-Still waters.

And he smokes rather a lot of wacky.

But then, so did Keats. Mmm!

What an exotic aroma!

One can't quite put one's finger on it because one's never really heard of any of these things -

but what a colourful display of beans and pulses and Halal thingies.

Halal is a religious form of meat, isn't it?

One wouldn't necessarily want to live in a place that sold Halal meat exclusively

but it's terribly exciting to be able to dip in, so to speak!

It's like being in that market where your handbag was stolen.

And yet, cheek by jowl with the exotic, we have the mundane.

booze, ciggies, loo paper, Whiskas - everything for the down and out.

We have quite a few down-and-outs in Kensington.

They always have a story.

Now, you'll have to help us out here. We need a prezzie for Izzy.

-A house-warming for her and Wacky.

-We were going to buy her linen from the White Company...

-But we thought there was a danger Wacky'd burn a hole in it.

-Then we thought - something fresh.

They don't have a daily, and Wacky doesn't notice the grime.

We've got Dettol.

It's like James Bond. You're so quick and instinctive. As if you were born to be a shopgirl.

Thank you.

So lovely visiting you.

Cheerio. Oh, do you have an OBE?

No.

Oh, you should do - they give them to you chaps these days. Bye.

# Parking Pataweyo

# Parking Pataweyo

# Parking Pataweyo

# And his black and white cataweyo

# Forget to feed the meter Pataweyo's eager

# To pop a ticket on your car and get you towed away oh! #

Good morning, Parking Pataweyo.

It's a lovely day for ticketing hard-working people, isn't it?

Here comes Roofer Ronnie. "You shouldn't have given me this ticket!" he says.

"The machine is out of order, so I couldn't pay."

"There's another machine 400 yards up there, round that corner, then round that corner,

"then round that corner,"

Parking Pataweyo points out helpfully.

"Well, how am I supposed to know that, you nice person?"

"That's not my concern."

"Hmm. I intend to appeal against this jolly ticket!"

"Of course, Roofer Ronnie. That's your right and your prerogative.

"Let me show you how the appeal process works."

It looks like Roofer Ronnie's appeal is guaranteed to be unsuccessful, doesn't it, Parking Pataweyo?

Everyone loves Parking Pataweyo!

Ah, Marcus.

-Nutella. Hi.

-Hi.

-How are you?

-Really, really good. How are you?

Yah, not too bad, thanks. How are you?

Really fantastic. How are you?

Really good.

Oh! You've grown a...

A wanker's beard. Yah. Do you like it?

-I do. It actually really works.

-Thanks.

So surprised to see you here at a festival.

Yah, well I realised the shop was looking a bit thin on the ground at weekends

because all you posh thickos were coming out

to these rip-offs in a field instead of buying my shit.

Exactly! We were at Fleeced last weekend in Suffolk.

And next week we're off to the Cotswolds for More Money Than Sense.

Then it's Cashtonbury, then Pay-on-Wye...

and finally my favourite, Platitude.

Yah yah yah... Buy something.

Ooh, I like these.

Oh, those, yah, those are cheap gumboots but I've painted flowers on them

-so I can charge you 30 quid.

-For a pair?

Each.

Ah, OK.

Or you can have 3 for 100.

Great. I will take three. One, two, three.

Now, Nutella, I don't know

if you're interested in legal highs?

Well I say "legal highs" but, uh...

Do you mean they're illegal?

No, they're not highs.

They're dead leaves in a jar.

But when you smoke them they're so disgusting you feel a bit giddy.

God, I feel so '60's! Do you know what I mean?

Well, if you like the '60's... you'll like this shit.

Ooh, vintage clothes, vintage clothes, vintage clothes.

Or would you say retro?

I'd say horrible but you'd probably say they're vintage.

-What is the difference between vintage and retro?

-Vintage is old and horrible,

retro is new and horrible

but made to look old and horrible.

But the bottom line is I get the whole lot from a car boot sale, and sell it to you for a fortune.

You're really clever.

No, Nutella you're really, really, really, really, really,

really, really, really, really, really, really, really thick.

But I don't look 30, do I?

No, Nutella.

Ah, thank you, Marcus.

Ooh, I think my granny's cleaner used to wear one of these.

Asia, Africa, come on, bring those things.

BAND STARTS

Oooh.

Oh, that'll be Alex James coming on.

-Is he in the indie tent?

-No, the cheese tent.

-He's been working on that difficult, second cheese.

-Amazing.

# Cheese are good, cheddar cheese are good, cheese are good... #

Gimme an Irish whisky - on the rocks.

Make it a double.

I drink doubles because I'm a cop.

I drink whisky cos I'm a cop.

I drink Irish whisky, cos I'm an Irish cop.

Name's O'Malley-Mulligan-Hoolagey.

Come from a small place in Ireland where everyone's a cop.

Even the cops are cops.

Are you a cop?

Too bad. It's goddam tough being a cop.

Today I had a 187. That's a dead body.

Yesterday I had a 155. That's a traffic fatality.

The day before on 29th and 43rd in a restaurant I had a 124.

That's a chicken chow mein.

I had some douchebag pull a 196 on my ass today.

I pulled this guy over on 184th and 185th and give him a 194 -

pulled a 196 on my ass.

Are you a cop?

Sure I'm a cop.

I said to myself, O'Malley-Mulligan-Hoolagey,

that guy's a cop.

He looks like a cop. He talks like a cop.

Name's O'Pat Eddery-Flannery-Hoonigan. 48th Precinct.

A cop always knows a cop.

I'm a cop.

I'm a cop.

Gimme an Irish.

-Make it a double.

-You're a cop, huh?

Did I ask for ice? Ice is for pussies and cops.

I'm a fire-fighter. 9/11. I was there.

Both towers at the same time. You a fire-fighter?

I gotta 172 I gotta attend to.

What about you? Are you a fire-fighter?

I gotta 126 I gotta eat.

So, you're a fire-fighter, huh?

Well, anyway anyway anyway anyway,

your lot can't even afford a decent sack of coal.

All there ever is in your bunker is a couple of shovelfuls of nutty slack. 'Ow embarrassin'!

Well anyway, who needs 'orrible dirty old coal?

We just 'ad oil fired central heatin' put in by Ted Digby.

Very capable 'ands he has.

Bet you don't even know what central heatin' is, do you, Miss Coal Scuttle?

Well, it's where your heatin' is central.

That green skirt rises up and shows your unmentionables.

Ooh! Central heatin' is it now, Miss Silky Drawers?

Snooty snobs your lot are, with yer airs and your graces.

Doesn't matter 'ow many bottles of Cherry B your mum glugs down the club,

they'll still call her "fore an aft" cos she leaves most nights with a couple of sailors!

-You going country dancing tonight?

-I'm not, as a matter of fact, I'm stayin' in and doing me nails.

And anyway, there's no need for that kind of talk,

that's the language of the snooker hall, that is.

And anyway Major Crabtree wants to see me alone in his office on Monday.

Probably about a promotion, I shouldn't wonder.

Yes, well, anyway, make sure you get yourself between 'im and the door.

Last time Maisie Moon went in there, he showed her his war wounds,

and she ain't been right since.

THEY CHUCKLE

I couldn't agree more. I've a couple of yearlings running this afternoon,

and a two-year-old in the last race. How about you Padraig?

UNINTELLIGIBLY BAD IRISH ACCENT

..two-year-old... harses this afternoon.

-Goodness me, sounds like you're in pretty good shape.

-Not too bad...

UNINTELLIGIBLY BAD IRISH ACCENT

-..a beautiful day for the harses.

-Well, you took the words out of my mouth, Padraig,

it is a beautiful day, as it always seems to be at this meeting.

We are very privileged to have animals running here today.

Now, do you think we'll see a repeat of last year's 3:30?

You're looking rather pensive Padraig. Penny for your thoughts?

-UNINTELLIGBLY BAD IRISH ACCENT

-..I'm Shagging Your Wife.

Ah, well, I Think You're A Tosser

-UNINTELLIGBLY BAD IRISH ACCENT

-I Think You're A Tosser. I'm Shagging Your Wife.

ell, I see where you're coming from, Padraig, but I'm Shagging Your Wife has only won over six furlongs.

I think today's length favours your horse, I Think You're a Tosser.

-UNINTELLIGBLY BAD IRISH ACCENT

-..Your Rasilic Hunt.

I certainly am. Your Rasilic Hunt is the Emir's favourite horse,

and my reputation with the Dubai Royal Family rests on him coming in for me.

So I certainly am very nervous, yes. How's your daughter getting on?

Did you get her into Cheltenham Ladies College?

UNINTELLIGBLY BAD IRISH ACCENT

...privately, but we managed to get her into Cheltenham Ladies College.

It's a wonderful school, very convenient for the racecourse.

-Very convenient for the racecourse, of course.

-Very convenient.

-Very convenient for the racecourse.

-A wonderful, wonderful, wonderful school.

One day, the supermarket priests will gather together in a huddle.

"Bring us the man who took the last bananas!" they will say.

"Put a cardboard box down on his head!

"A feathery-light cardboard box

"through which the light cannot penetrate.

"Put him outside on the chair, with the box on his head."

And such a soft evening, what a beautiful sunset...

But not for you - the man with a box on his head!

"Leave him there, with the box on his head,

"while we supermarket priests have a lazy time,

"lying about and looking at the sunset."

"Oh, what a beautiful sunset!

"Ah, I'm really enjoying it."

But all you can see is very close up shady cars.

I curse you.

Charles, did you see that programme on your late father-in law last night?

I was intending to watch it on the BBC iPlayer tonight.

Were they fair to him?

Oh, yes. He came across as a thoroughly good egg.

The way he brokered that peace deal between the Matabele and the Shona

set the standard for diplomacy in Africa that has never been equalled.

-Oh, he was a very good egg.

-Very good egg.

-Very good egg.

-Very good egg.

-Very good egg, yes.

Very, very good egg.

Talking of very good eggs, I took my granddaughter to see this flat

owned by the actor, Jeremy Irons.

He came across as a very good pleasant egg indeed.

Yes, I've heard he's a very pleasant egg.

I believe he's currently at the Hampstead Theatre,

working with Sir Peter Hall's son Edward.

Oh, yes, Edward Hall, yes, yes.

Apparently he's a thoroughly decent egg, as his father is these days.

Yes, Sir Peter's a very good egg these days,

although in the past he has been a bit of a beastly egg.

Yes, he did go through a period of egg beastliness,

before becoming rather an avant-garde egg

and then rather a flamboyant egg,

but age has matured him into a decent dependable egg.

Yes, now, Charles, I've got to remove a polyp in half an hour

from the inner sanctum of that malodorous little Ed, Egg Balls.

Did you hear what you just said?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I do apologise, Charles.

Sometimes I do speak a lot of balls.

I would assist you with your polyp balls-up, but I'm having dinner

with Her Majesty and her curate's egg of a husband.

I didn't hear that, Charles.

You didn't hear that, Sheridan?

Ooh! I went to see Grace Stone, the medium, on Friday night.

She's part Romany.

She told me to look out for a man with a cleft palate,

a harelip and a clubfoot. Imagine!

Yes, well, anyway, anyway, that Jenny Jenkins went out

with that boy who works down the fish shop on Saturday.

The one that looks like a fish.

He took her to see Moby Dick. That film about the big fish.

Apparently all he talked about was fish and he smelt of fish.

On the way home they bought fish and chips, but he only ate the fish.

When she got in, she looked in her coat pocket, she found a fish.

Gave her the heebie-jeebies!

That night, apparently, she had a nightmare about being a fish.

She woke up on the floor all wrapped up in her blanket like a fish.

They're engaged now, apparently.

-See you in church on Sunday. Ta-da.

-Ta-da.

Who's this here? Goodness me - it's Parking Pleasant!

'Hello, Parking Pleasant.

'Are you feeling pleasant today?

'"Hello, Parking Pleasant - I'm just popping in to the hairdresser

'"to make an appointment for tomorrow.

'"I'll only be a minute or so. Do I need to buy a ticket?"

'"Of course not, the ticket machine only allows

'"a minimum of 60p for 10 minutes,

'"and you're not going to be long at all.

'"So even though you are technically in Contravention of Paragraph 14 of Section 27

'"of the Road Traffic Enforcement Act of 2003,

'"it would be petty and pointless of me

'"to insist on you purchasing a ticket."

'"Thank you, Parking Pleasant.

'"What a pleasant man you are."

'"Just doing my bit for the Big Society!"

'That was a mystifying encounter, wasn't it, Parking Pataweyo?

'Everyone loves Parking Pataweyo.'

Good morning, sir.

Good morning. Do you have a flight to Africa?

-Why certainly, sir.

-I should like a ticket, please.

Very well, I'll write one out for you.

That will be three guineas, please, if you'll be so kind.

Send the bill to my club. White's in Pall Mall, if you'll be so kind.

Indeed, sir. Now, do you have any bags?

Oh, just those... And my guns, of course.

I should like to take everything with me into the cabin.

That way, during the flight, I can fiddle with triggers and things.

I doubt that your bags will fit in the overhead lockers.

-The porters can wedge them in the aisles in front of the emergency exits.

-Splendid.

Now, what time does the plane leave?

-Five minutes, sir.

-Oh, that won't do at all, I'm afraid.

Tell the pilot he'll have to delay it

while I buy whisky and cigarettes.

-Very good, sir, I'll telephone him immediately.

-I say,

tell the pilot to buy the whisky and cigarettes for me.

That way I can board the plane immediately

and get on with the business of fiddling with guns.

That's a very good idea, sir.

It is a no no-smoking flight, isn't it?

Oh, yes, sir, all our flights are no no-smoking.

It's mandatory to smoke to calm the nerves.

It's a nervous business, flying.

It certainly is, sir. After all, 50% of our flights crash.

Have a pleasant flight, sir.

The aeroplane's just through that door there.

WIND HOWLS

Ha-ha...

Ha-ha...

MOCK SCANDINAVIAN

Der BBC e fooked up, hein?

Tak, der BBC ent fooked up.

DOOR OPENS

Hi hi.

-Samella.

-Tak.

MOCK SCANDINAVIAN

# Hurrah for Harry and Paul

# Your comedy is challenging and bold

# They're both incredibly handsome and tall

# And not even beginning to look old

# Hurrah-ah-ah

# Harry and Paul. #