Episode 2 Harry & Paul

BELL RINGS Oi! You want to look where you're going, mister!

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS ADULT HUMOUR

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hello, Harry.

-Hi, Paul. Is that your new neighbour?

I'm thinking of pur-chay-sing a Golf GTI on Monday.

Yeah. He's a flippin' yuppie.

I'll see you at Pret a Manger for luncheon.

-Snout?

-Don't mind if I do. Bless your little cotton socks.

No, I'm meeting up with Tuscany at the champagne bar

once she's clocked off at the bank. Hasta la vista, Tarquin.

Ciao for now.

I quite like yuppies.

They contribute to the trickle-down effect from which we all benefit.

Well, you would say that, wouldn't you? You're aspiring middle class.

Oh, hello, Harry.

Hello, Shirley. How's tricks?

Oh, you know. I feel a little bit peckish.

Thought I might make myself a nice little cheese'n'pickle sandwich for me din-dins.

-Paul likes a cheese'n'pickle sandwich for his din-dins, don't you, Paul?

-I do. I like ham as well.

I am partial to a bit of ham.

Harry, would you like a nice little cheese'n'pickle sandwich for your din-dins?

-Oh, yes, please, Shirl. Bless your little cotton socks.

-Aw.

-Love? Cheese'n'pickle sandwich for your din-dins?

-Got any ham?

Oh, no. No, I don't think we have.

-I got a nice little bit of cheese'n'pickle?

-Oh, I'll have that then.

I am partial to a nice little cheese'n'pickle sandwich, Harry,

-without the ham.

-Oh.

How's your Shelly getting on?

My Shelly, Shirley? She's in bed with rickets.

-Aww.

-Bless her little cotton socks. You got a doily for me, Shirl?

Oh! I forgot the doilies! What is my brain like?

Bless your little cotton socks! How was your abortion, Shirley?

Oh, I've had better.

Here we are. Nice little cheese'n'pickle sandwich for your din-dins.

Nice cheese'n'pickle sandwich for your din-dins.

-Thank you, Shirley.

-Oh, yum.

-Alright, Mr E?

-Hello, Kayleigh.

I've had me miscarriage. I'm off to school

Nice cheese'n'pickle sandwich before you go, for your din-dins?

-Take it with you, sweetheart?

-No, thanks, Mum, I'm bulimic.

Bless your little cotton socks.

Awww.

CHEERING

# Hurrah for Harry and Paul

# Your comedy is challenging and bold

# You're both incredibly handsome and tall

# You're not even beginning to go bald

# We strive to increase production

# Of flat screen televisions

# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions

# We're pleased to let you bed our wives whenever your fancy beckons

# We'll fight with all of our might

# For your right to develop nuclear weapons

# Hurrah for Harry and Paul. #

Spare some change for a cup of tea, please?

Can you spare some change for a cup of tea, please?

We don't carry change, I'm afraid.

We usually have a chap who gives us whatever it is.

We're minor royals, you see. We've been rather overshadowed

-by William and Kate, but it couldn't matter less.

-Couldn't matter less.

We still have an important role to play.

But we know exactly how you feel on the tea front.

I'm gasping for a cuppa, but I'm afraid I shall have to wait until I get to my club.

So we're all in the same boat! No cash for a cuppa!

I'm dying for a ginger nut!

Tell me, why are you in a sleeping bag in the middle of the day?

Because I'm sleeping rough.

Oh! Are you doing your Duke of Edinburgh?

And with everything so perfect! Your dog here, and such a lovely spot,

just you, and the sky, and the smell of fresh bread in the morning.

-Mm, bliss!

-I don't know how you keep so thin! What's your trick?

I ain't got enough money for food!

I've just had a terribly good idea. Why don't you eat these pigeons?

-Oh, pigeon pie's a wonderful thing.

-It's rather a bony bird

but with a wonderful deep, gamey flavour.

Yes, you get your dog to catch them and you must hang them

for a couple of days to tenderise the meat.

-What a lovely dog.

-What a lovely dog.

You know the old chestnut about how dogs look like their owners?

Well, the rule certainly holds fast with you two, doesn't it?

Look at you with your milky eyes, faraway stares, scruffy coats.

-Wonderful stuff!

-Do you have any flowers for me?

We're minor royals, you see.

-We're rather prone to being given flowers by ordinary people.

-No.

-Doesn't matter. Don't lose any sleep over it.

-I don't suppose you will,

with your lovely, snuggly sleeping bag,

ready to take you to the land of nod any moment now, hmm?

I'm rather envious. I could do with a kip myself,

-but I'm afraid I shall have to wait until I get to my club. Cheerio.

-Bye.

Canal cinq.

MUSIC: "Je T'aime...Mon Non Plus" by Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin

Badabadabada, bing-bang-bong!

Oh, Bing et too funny pour l'amour.

ALL CHUCKLING

Bing fait pipi sur mes vetements!

Le Citron "Chuckle Sexy" et le Citron "Bedroom Pissing",

Edition Special des Bodyfluids.

Bedroom Pissing avec air-con complimentaire.

Have you heard of Jimmy Carr?

No.

Have you heard of Dale Winton?

No.

Have you heard of Matt Smith?

No.

Have you heard of The Edge?

Nobody's called The Edge.

Probably a misprint.

Have you heard of Ant?

No.

Have you heard of Dec?

No.

Have you heard of Ant and Dec?

Of course I've heard of Ant and Dec. Everybody has.

Well, are they a quare?

One of them looks like a quare and one of them sounds like one.

-He sounds like a quare, he looks like one.

-That one looks like one, he sounds like one.

That one looks like, that one sounds like.

That one looks like a quare, that one sounds like a quare.

That one looks like a quare, the other sounds like a quare.

No, no, no no!

That one looks like a quare, that one sounds like a quare.

Oh, yes, of course. Yes, yes, yes.

I should think if he looks like a quare and he sounds like a quare,

I should think they probably is a quare, yes.

Yes, probably a queers.

Hello, Teddy, how are you?

Just finished university, which was jolly nice.

No studying to speak of, fortunately.

Three years of quite hard punting, though.

-And now I'm looking for a job.

-Come and work in television.

-Sounds jolly nice. What's television?

-I've no idea.

I've been working in television now for three years.

-It's ruddy good.

-Do I need an interview?

-They'll ask you if you can see.

-I'm actually awfully good at seeing.

-Well, you could be Director-General.

-What does that entail?

-Seeing, mainly. And being paid.

-How much will I be paid,

if it's not too vulgar a question?

It is rather a vulgar question.

-How much do you want to be paid?

-A lot, I suppose. In guineas.

That can be arranged. Now let's never mention money again.

-Shall I start on Monday?

-No. That won't be necessary.

Take a short paid sabbatical and when you're ready, give me a call.

-What's your telephone number?

-London 123.

I think I can remember that.

Would you like me to write it down for you?

Would you?

It seems like a pretty good school.

It seems like both our girls are getting on pretty well there.

Yeah, our girl's doing really well there. Really, really well.

A1 A1 A1 A1 A1 A1 A1 in her last report.

-Your girl's not doing badly, is she?

-Quite a few Bs but still good.

There was something on telly about school grades the other day.

No, no, no, we never watch telly, ever.

Although we did see the first season of The Killing on BBC4 iPlayer, but then we got the box set anyway.

And season two, we only watched on box set.

And Borgen, on box set.

And Those Who Kill, only on box set.

And Flame and Citron on box set.

We only ever watch box sets.

They're so much better than all the rubbish most people watch on television.

We're so much better than most people.

We're better than you, unless you watch box sets?

-No. Not really.

-Oh, well, then we are better than you.

Cor, I can't believe you haven't seen the box set of seasons one to six of Mad Men?

You haven't seen Spartacus: Blood and Sand on box set? Cuh! What?

Surely you've seen Breaking Bad on box set?

Surely you've seen that?

Surely you've seen the box set of Game of Thrones, surely?

We've got a friend who still says "series" instead of "season".

He is such a wanker compared to us.

Canal cinq.

GLUGGING

Oh, dear. Oh.

-Evening, Dougal.

-Good evening, Geoff.

Terrible weather we're experiencing down here in London.

-It's terrible, innit?

-I heard on the weather forecast

that it's not raining in Scotland.

-Really?

-Aye. Only in England. Aye. Not in Scotland.

No, in Scotland, the weather's very, very pleasant indeed.

Whereas down here in England, it's quite to the contrary, aye.

Oh yes, the weather's much better in Scotland than England, aye.

-Right. What are you having?

-Everything's better in Scotland.

-So, what you having?

-Well, I shall have a pint of beer, please.

Do you have any Scottish beer?

No, just the usual, Dougal.

No Scottish beer at all?

No, as always, we have no Scottish beer.

Oh, that is a disappointment. Oh, dear.

It's very, very difficult to get a good English beer, I find.

Whereas, in Scotland,

it's practically impossible not to be served a tremendous pint.

-Three pounds, please.

-Oh, that is dear.

In Scotland, the beer is of better quality

and much more competitively priced.

Everything's better in Scotland.

Oh, there goes my telephone, invented by a Scotsman.

Hello, Mother, how's the weather in Scotland?

Oh, that'll be the English weather moving north.

Dinnae worry about him, pal, we're not all like that.

I take a sideways look at life.

Imagine if we didnae have doors?

It'd be like we're all living in one massive room. Spooky, eh?

DOG SQUEALS Oh! I'm sorry! Sorry!

I see a man, a quiet man with a dark beard.

He likes to wear a black suit to his work.

He enjoys his work, driving the steamroller all around the town,

helping the people out.

Perhaps one day, while you are buying your morning newspaper,

he will drive his steamroller all over you.

Driving his steamroller all over you and your newspaper.

People will see you all around the town.

"There he is, stuck on the steamroller,

"reading his newspaper like a very thin cartoon cat."

I curse you.

£180 for a new tyre.

I was avoiding this cat and I bashed into the kerb.

Oh, we love Curb. Got it on box set.

-And Modern Family.

-So brilliant.

-And The Office.

-But only the American seasons.

-Oh, God, not the English seasons.

-No, no.

God, no. Not the box set, no. Oh, God, no.

Surely you've got seasons one to seven of Curb on box set, surely?

Surely you've got Curb on box set?

-You have to.

-Everyone loves Curb.

-Everyone's got Curb.

"CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM" THEME MUSIC

-You know, in Scotland, they tempura chocolate bars?

-What, like Hershey?

-Yeah, like Hershey.

-Yeah, you know the Scotch,

-they're very healthy, you know, they walk on walls.

-Healthy?!

-Have you ever seen a Scotch egg?

-Shut up, Larry.

Oh, Larry!

What?!

-Larry!

-What?!

What I do?

Larry!

Look, I know you're mad at me

but I would never knowingly leave my semen in our friend's guacamole.

Budding entrepreneurs Ken and Brian from Brian Farnett

have developed an app that they hope

will download some interest from the dragons.

Hello, Dragons.

I am Ken and this is my partner, Brian,

and we are asking for an investment of £81,325.71

for a 16.4432% investment in our company.

Most of the Dragons seem confused already

but the dead Dragon's intrigued.

VINTAGE HORROR MUSIC, THUNDERCLAP

-COMPUTER VOICE:

-Brian and I have developed an app.

Brian and I have developed an app.

It predicts what you're going to say next.

-It predicts what you're going to say next.

-Everyone's going to want it.

Everyone's going to want it.

Can I just say, I sold my dog's kennel to start my first business.

Can I just say, I sold my dog's kennel to start me first business.

-That can never work.

-That can never work.

It doesnae know what I'm going to say next.

It doesnae know what I'M going to say next.

-Ridiculous.

-Ridiculous.

-I'm out.

-I'm out.

SMACKING SOUND, CHEWING

-I like it.

-I like it.

-It's clever, like me.

-It's clever, like me.

-And I'm going to make you an offer for

-(SPEEDING UP)

-£81,325.71.

-And I'm going to make an offer for

-(SPEEDING UP)

-£81,325.71.

Thank you.

CREAKING

Thank you so much, we will not let you down.

What a mug.

Let's get smashed and blow the rest of the cash down the bookies.

That Scottish one gets on my tits.

I can't wait to piss this all up the wall.

So it was all going so well

but then instead of saying what you were going to say next,

your phone started saying what you were going to say in half an hour.

I wonder if he has studs in his nipples.

# Parking Pataweyo

# Parking Pataweyo

# Parking Pataweyo

# And his black and white cat...aweyo

# Forget to feed the meter

# Pataweyo's eager

# To pop a ticket on your car

# And get you towed away-o. #

Hello, Parking Pataweyo.

Why are you pacing up and down in a frantic fashion?

Oh, you're over there,

and there's a car parked on a double yellow line

on the other side of a busy dual carriageway.

The driver's gone to help an old lady who's collapsed in the street.

But that doesn't make his parking violation any less serious,

does it, Parking Pataweyo?

Now the paramedic's arrived, and the driver's returning to his car.

Frustrating, isn't it, Parking Pataweyo?

The nice man's going to end up keeping £60

that he's no longer technically entitled to,

just for helping that poor old lady.

What the...?

How the...?

Ha!

Super Pataweyo, we salute you!

Everyone loves Parking Pataweyo.

REGGAE MUSIC

-Oh, hi, Thicko.

-Marcus. Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

-I hear your husband left you.

-Yeah.

Is he all right?

I don't know, he hasn't called the kids or anything, so...

Well, if he does, give him my best, will you?

What are you up to tonight? Fancy coming out for a drink?

Oh, um... I don't know...

-You've got a live-in nanny, haven't you?

-Yah, but...

Good, so you're coming for a drink with me.

Now, this lovely cabinet here,

I though of you the moment I saw it wasn't selling.

Oh, how nice. How much is it?

To you, £2,000. Oh...

It's a bloody parking warden. Hang on a sec.

Look after the shop for me.

Oi, wanker!

What the hell do you think you're doing?!

Hello. How are you today?

It's a lovely day.

Oh, for God's sake... Yes(!)

-How much is that thing?

-That's £2,000.

Don't be stupid.

It says "£1,000."

-Oh...

-And it's not even worth that. I'll give you £300.

-Oh, gosh...

-£200 for cash.

-Oh...

-Hurry up, it's going down. Here. Take it out for me.

-Right.

-What the hell's going on?

-I bought this from your shop

-and I'm taking it home.

-How much did she pay?

-£200.

You better be bloody joking. That's only four times more than I paid for it.

She was very happy to sell it to me and I've given her the money.

You idiot. You fool.

You...woman.

-I'm sorry, Marcus.

-Out.

I'll see you at Coopers, 8:30 tonight.

Oh, actually, what are you doing tonight, do you fancy a drink?

-With an idiot like you?

-Oh, don't get all smart-alec with me.

You're not ageing as well as you think. Do you or don't you?

Yes, you rude git.

Oh, Thicko, I can't make tonight.

Something's come up. Out.

-Oh, well, never mind. I probably would...

-Out!

Anyway, anyway, anyway.

I haven't told you about my new young man, have I? Howard.

He's ever such a gentleman. He took me to the Windsor Arms last night.

That's right, the Windsor Arms.

Don't suppose you've ever been to the Windsor Arms? I don't think so.

Ever so nice in there, it is, they've got a deer's head

on the wall and the barman's called Gerrard.

Much better than the dirty old Dog and Bucket your Terry takes you to.

Pooh! You can smell the lavatories from the snug in there

and the crisps are always soggy. Anyway, Howard, my new young man,

proper gentleman, he bought me three Pimms and lemonades,

yes, three Pimms and lemonades!

And he treated me to scampi and chips at the Blue Lagoon

and when he dropped me off, he only tried for tops.

Brand new Austin Atlee he's got.

Bwahaha... Well I'm very much looking forward to it, Padraig.

I don't think there's ever been such a rivalry as the one we enjoy in this race today.

I won in 1992, 1993, 1994, you won in 1995, 1996, I won in 1997,

you won in 1998 and 1999.

INCOMPREHENSIBLE GIBBERISH ..Mrs Baker won it in 2000.

Oh, yes, of course, Mrs Annabel Baker, a wonderful character,

two lovely daughters, Margaret and Joan.

Always to be seen tramping the course early in the morning in oversized gumboots.

I won in 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005.

INCOMPREHENSIBLE, HEAVILY-ACCENTED, FAST-PACED GIBBERISH

Well, he had two of them, didn't he?

Had to have one of them amputated.

INCOMPREHENSIBLE, HEAVILY-ACCENTED, FAST-PACED GIBBERISH

Haha! But on a serious note, My Syphilis Is Back, and...

GIBBERISH ..A Blasted Nuisance.

A Blasted Nuisance, I would say, yes.

I saw My Syphilis Is Back running at Doncaster earlier in the year.

A wonderful animal but well off the pace of A Blasted Nuisance.

Talking of syphilis, did you see Phyllis and Peter?

They're back from their safari in Africa, full of stories of lions

and monkeys and what have you. Wonderful stuff, absolutely wonderful.

Stayed in a lovely little hotel, used to belong to Peter Bing.

GIBBERISH ..Kenya... Full of Russians these days.

Full of Russians. Everywhere's full of Russians these days, isn't it?

-You know we went to Louis' last night?

-Louis'?

What'd you order at Louis'?

The shrimp.

-You had the shrimp at Louis'?

-Yeah, I had the shrimp at Louis'.

No-one has the shrimp at Louis'!

-I order the shrimp at Louis'!

-Oh, yeah, Larry,

-always to be different, huh?

-No, I feel sorry for the guy who brings the shrimp.

He only has one leg.

Shut up, Larry!

Larry!

-What?!

-Larry!

-Larry!

-What?!

COUGHING

Larry!

Look, I know you're mad at me,

but I would never knowingly leave my cock ring in our friends' calamari.

I say, Chatters, here's an idea.

Let's up sticks for a while and pop off to the North Pole.

Those Norwegians are already en route. It wouldn't do for them to get there first.

Capital idea. When shall we go?

Well, let's have pudding first and then go, shall we?

-Excellent. Who shall we take with us?

-Let's see.

We'll need someone to laugh at to keep up morale when things get sticky.

Good heavens. That's rather fortunate. It's Lardy Daniels.

I say, Lardy, old man, polish off lunch, old boy,

-we're off to the North Pole.

-Oh! Good crack.

-What's the weather like up there?

-Pretty chilly, I should imagine,

but you've got plenty of insulation, what?!

Oh, good joke, Jonty. I like your good-natured joshing.

-Yes, well, laughing at you will keep us all entertained during the long nippy nights, Lardy.

-Good point.

Do you think we need to take any equipment, Jonty?

Warm shirt and tie, spare pair of pants perhaps, tea bags.

Tent possibly. Wouldn't want to make a fuss.

All we need now is a chap who knows about geography and we're ready to go.

Chivers, which way is north?

North, sir? Er...

Get a sturdy jacket, man, you're coming to the North Pole.

Very good, sir.

After pudding.

Of course! I nearly forgot.

You'd never forget pudding, would you, Lardy?

That's why you're so fat!

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Work Experience?

Is there any chance of that cup of tea?

That I asked you for? An hour ago?

Ah, thanks, Work Experience.

Oh! Work Experience, you have to boil the kettle

when you make a cup of tea, please.

Thanks.

In fact, look, don't bother, just leave the cup of tea there,

and could you come and put some stamps

on these envelopes for me, please?

Put them in the out tray just over there, OK? Thank you.

No, Work Experience, they peel off like this, OK?

Peel off, put them there, just like that, see?

OK, just like that? OK?

It's the wrong way up, but good, anyway,

I'm sure the Queen won't mind.

Work Experience? You dropped all the letters on the way except one.

Would you pick them up, please?

Here's an invitation to me and me fiance's engagement party.

"Terry Buckle and I kindly request your company at the Bull and Last.

"Don't bring food cos we've got sausage rolls."

Oh, thank you very much, I'm sure I'd be delighted to come

to you and your fiance's engagement do. I've been to all his others.

Anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway,

anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway.

Forgot what I was going to say now.

Your family lets the whole neighbourhood down.

Proper stench there is coming from your house.

Carbolic is what you need. Tidiness is what you could do with.

Slovenliness is what some call it. Bit tarty you are some would say.

Not me, mind. And your brother, what a tearaway he is.

He threw a stone at that poor deaf and dumb man

who lives with his mum in the prefab.

Oh, libel, that is, libel! I'll have you know that my mum does for a vicar who knows a bishop

who knows a judge, so we'll see you in court, you see if we don't.

You can be hanged for that, libel,

hanged by your neck until you be dead.

Here, did you bring those Chelsea buns?

Yeah, I got two of 'em but Fatty Freda spotted me

on the way and she pinched one. So we'll have to share. Anyway.

-Anyway.

-And anyway.

-Well, anyway.

Jeff wants a wooden toilet seat.

I mean, who wants a wooden toilet seat?

Larry would never want a wooden toilet seat.

That's one good thing you can say about Larry.

CHILD CRYING IN ROOM BEYOND

-LITTLE GIRL:

-Mummy!

Larry!

I took, I, I get confused , my left, my right,

I mean, come on, I would never knowingly urinate

on our friends' sleeping children.

# Hurrah for Harry and Paul

# Your comedy is challenging and bold

# You're both incredibly handsome and tall

# You're not even beginning to look bald

# We strive to increase production

# Of flat screen televisions

# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul

# In the highest of definitions

# Hurrah for Harry and Paul. #