Episode 3 Harry & Paul


Episode 3

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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What's your current handicap, Paul?

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284, Harry.

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Oh, mine's 285. Should be in for an interesting game of golf today.

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Shot, Harry.

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Nice shot, Paul.

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Shot, Harry.

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Nice shot, Paul.

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Shot, Harry.

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Nice shot, Paul.

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Shot, Harry.

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Nice shot, Paul.

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Shot, Harry.

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Do you want to change your cue?

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No, I'm quite happy with this one.

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Might as well take the flag out. Please.

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Pressure shots.

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Nice shot, Paul.

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Shot, Harry.

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Congratulations, Paul. You win the game of golf.

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Thanks very much, Harry. I'll trouser that.

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# Hurrah for Harry and Paul Your comedy is challenging and bold

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# You're both incredibly handsome and tall

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# You're not even beginning to look old

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# In spite of increased production of flat-screen televisions

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# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions

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# We're pleased to let you bed our wives whenever your fancy beckons

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# We'll fight with all of our might

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# For your right to defend with nuclear weapons

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# Love for Harry and Paul. #

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Why the mischievous grin, Harry?

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I was just internally chortling about the idea of how

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enjoyable life might be if we were all a little bit more like the Arab.

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Congratulations, Mr Wilson,

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you've just passed your driving test at the 38th attempt.

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Have you heard of Harry Redknapp?

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Yes.

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Is he a quare?

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Well he doesn't much look like a quare, does he?

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Oh, he doesn't much look like a quare.

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And he doesn't much sound like a quare

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when he's on It's Match Of The Day.

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Oh, he doesn't much sound like a quare

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when he's on It's Match Of The Day.

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No, Harry Redknapp's a rather rough and ready fellow, isn't he?

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Yes, a rough and ready ruffian.

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I wonder if it's possible to not much look like a quare

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and not much sound like a quare

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when one's interviewed on It's Match Of The Day

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and be a ruff and ready ruffian sort of fellow

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yet still be a quare.

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I feel rather out of my depth here.

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-Bunny?

-Bunny.

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-Bunny?

-Bunny.

-Bunny?

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Bunny?

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-You're a quare, aren't you?

-Oh, yes.

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Is it possible to not much look like a quare

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and not much sound like a quare

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when one's interviewed on It's Match Of The Day,

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and yet still actually be a rough and ready ruffian quare?

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You mean like, could one be a builder, and a quare?

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-Goodness.

-I suppose...yes

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Or a great, big, tattooed sailor?

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Or an Army Sergeant just back from Afghanistan

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and in need of a little love?

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Or a Filipino washer-upper at the Caprice without a valid work permit?

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Or a bare-knuckled gypsy boxer, semi-naked,

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and glistening in the ring, taking on all comers.

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Have you seen the weather forecast?

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-No.

-It's going to be nice.

-Good.

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Ah, Mr Fielding. Congratulations, your new baby boy.

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Aw!

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Wow. Aw!

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Beautiful! Hello!

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BABY CRIES

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GUNFIRE AND ARAB MUSIC PLAYS

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(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Good evening, Geoff. Reading a book, I see.

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I was trying to, yeah.

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Is it by Sir Walter Scott?

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No, Dougal. Len Deighton.

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Len Deighton. Oh, no. he's an English writer, is he not?

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-Yes, Dougal.

-No, no.

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Scottish writers are much, much better than English writers, I find.

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Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

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Sir Walter Scott, Robert Louis Stevenson, Irvine Walsh -

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"Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

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"The price we have to pay for money is sometimes liberty,

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"Begbie, you big spunk sac."

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And I've yet to quote Robbie Burns.

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"Dare to be honest and fear no labour."

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-Can you quote Len Deighton?

-No.

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Do you celebrate Len Deighton Night?

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-No, Dougal. No.

-No.

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Scottish writers are much, much more worthy of celebration

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than English writers, aye.

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Oh, yes. Everything's better in Scotland. Aye.

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So, what are you having, Dougal?

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I shall have a wee dram of whisky, aye.

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Do you have Scottish whisky?

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-Yes.

-Ah, and do you have English whisky?

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No.

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Oh, you don't have English whisky?

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-No.

-No English whisky at all?

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No, none at all.

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Oh.

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Would that be because Scottish whisky is much, much better

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than English whisky?

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Probably.

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Aye, well, I shall have a Scottish whisky, please.

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Yes, from the Highlands of Scotland. Yes, which are much, much higher

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than the highlands of England, which aren't very high at all.

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There's high peaks in the Lake District.

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The Lake District doesn't even have a beastie.

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I refer of course to the beastie in Loch Ness, Nessie.

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The nearest you have to a beastie is The Beastie of Bodmin Moor,

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which is merely an escaped cat.

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MOBILE RINGS

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Hello, mother. A beastie? On Arthur's seat?

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Oh, dear. And Tiddles has been missing for three days?

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(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Don't worry about him, pal. We're not all like that.

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I take a sideways look at life.

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Aren't underpants fantastic?

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The way they keep your winkie warm and cosy?

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Imagine if we did'nae have shelves or tables?

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Everything'd be on the floor! How spooky's that?

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Do you know, Charles, it's such a shame about poor Audrey, Charles.

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Such a shame, yes.

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She really was the life and soul of our time at Cambridge.

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Do you remember the time that TV crew came and filmed us all?

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I don't, no.

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Don't you, Charles?

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No.

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Really?

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No. No.

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There's a new generation on the march - a new human phenomenon.

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"Young people".

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Who are these "young people" and how will they shape our future?

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We caught up with three "young people", students at Cambridge.

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I'm one of the young people. We're studying medicine, aren't we?

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Oh, yes.

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Yes. We come from medical families, medical backgrounds,

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-don't we, Charles?

-Oh, yes.

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I'm also reading Greats, English Literature and Physics -

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but that's just for fun.

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I'm a communist and I'm going to have sex before marriage.

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# Women of the world Why can't we all unit

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# We'd like to cease production but we're just too jolly polite

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# If only then we could unify Then we could pool our might

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# And give McMillan and his chums the most almighty fright. #

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What is your vision of the future?

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I think it's going to be perfectly lovely.

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Everyone's going to get on frightfully well.

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Beastliness will be abolished and I'm very looking forward to it.

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I agree with Sheridan.

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But on the downside, I think there might be a link

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between smoking and cancer.

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I hope for a socialist utopia along the lines of the Soviet Union, where

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they share everything and poverty and hardship has been eradicated.

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I also hope more young ladies like myself

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are going to have sex before marriage.

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For our next sketch, we present Homer's Silly-Ad!

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What? I've got to go all the way to Troy with my lumbago?

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LAUGHTER

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Do you think we should ban the bomb?

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I think we jolly well should.

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Oh, ban all bombs. And more ladies should have sex before marriage.

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Are you doing one of your Footlights skits now?

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No, we're just being feminist and brilliant.

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Has anyone read Lucky Jim?

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-Oh, yes.

-Rather.

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Me too. And Lady Chatterley's Lover.

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Are you doing one of your Footlights skits now?

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No, we're still being brilliant.

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I like jazz music.

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JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

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I didn't realise they'd translated it.

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I've only ever read it in Urdu.

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What's the matter with Audrey today?

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Last night she had sex before marriage with Kingsley Amis.

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She's renounced communism and returned to the Catholic church.

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Are you doing one of your Footlights skits now?

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(MUMBLES) Holy Mary mother of God, pray for our sins now...

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Poor, poor Audrey. How long was she in that convent for?

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Oh, I suppose if she went in in '55,

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she would've been in for 50, 55 years?

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50, 55 years?

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55 years. It was only three years ago that she came out.

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Did you attend her civil partnership to her brick-laying lesbian lover?

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I did, Charles.

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And it really was a joy to see her finally find love after what,

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50, 55 years?

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-50, 55 years.

-Must've been 50, 55 years.

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50, 55 years.

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50, 55 years without love, Charles.

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50, 55 years. Goodness me.

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Yes, 50, 55 years.

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50, 55 years.

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50, 55 years.

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How's Anne, George?

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Oh, much the same.

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You know George, don't you, George?

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How's Anne, George?

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Much the same.

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Gentlemen, there's a crisis in the Circus.

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Clearly.

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We seem to be employing two George Smileys.

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Quite.

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Well I'm the real George Smiley, because I'm cleaning my glasses.

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I'm the real George Smiley...

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..because I'm looking out the window at a double-decker bus.

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The question you have to ask yourself, Control, is,

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who is copying whom?

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I'm copying no-one.

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I went back to the books for this.

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That's where I got voice - the books.

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"Use the force, Luke."

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Oh, dear, George.

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Perhaps it would be safer

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if you said "Nil by Mouth".

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Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Back off both of you.

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Or take it outside.

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Look, I can't have two George Smileys.

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It's costing us a fortune in tea and biscuits.

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Might I offer a solution

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-What?

-A contest.

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To see which of us looks the most disappointed with the world...

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..whilst at the same time suggesting a hinterland of other interests

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All right.

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Hmm. Impressive.

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George?

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Oh, this is useless. How about a job share?

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Will it affect our pensions?

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I don't see how it could.

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Then I don't see how I could possibly object.

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Yes, it would seem to be the perfect solution.

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So, in a way, you could say that the best man half won.

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Did he?

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Did he really?

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It seems obvious from the evidence before this court that

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you are entirely innocent of the crime

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of which you stand accused, namely

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the possession of a knife with the intention of endangering life.

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Therefore, case dismissed.

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-Jeremy's going to be there.

-Oh, is he?

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-Justin'll be there.

-Oh, yes.

-And Jocelyn.

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-Ah, good morning! Morning, morning!

-Morning. What a blustery day!

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Um, hello. Do I know you?

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-I don't think so.

-We're minor Royals. I'm a cousin of the queen.

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And so am I, but by a different branch of the family - fortunately!

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Yes, we've been overshadowed by William and Kate

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-but it couldn't matter less.

-It really couldn't.

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-Maybe I recognise your voices.

-Of course!

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You recognise people through their voices!

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I suppose if one sense is completely defunct then the others

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have to sort of sharpen up a bit. How brilliant the body is!

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And to go for a walk when you can't see anything!

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I couldn't do it, I really couldn't.

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I'd be too worried about being run over by a car

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or walking smack-bang into a lamppost.

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So jolly good for you! Can we do anything? Look after your dog or...?

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Well, if I give you my dog, I wouldn't get very far. He's my eyes.

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Of course! That's why blind people have dogs.

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One learns something new every day in the park, it's such an education.

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We have a black lab called Mugabe.

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Yeah, well, if you'll excuse me, I need to get home.

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Of course.

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You live in a home. We could open your home for you.

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Yes, I always carry scissors in case there's a ribbon to cut.

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Yes, we could name your home after my wife -

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-The Princess George Home for the Marvellously Blind.

-No.

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-Couldn't matter less. Off you toddle then. Goodbye.

-Cheerio!

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Quite extraordinary how he can sense where the path goes.

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-It's actually quite creepy.

-Good for you.

-Come on.

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Wonderful things, trees, aren't they, darling?

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How do they know when to grow and shed their leaves?

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I'm sure I'd get in a terrible muddle if I were a tree.

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Nonsense! You'd make a marvellous tree.

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-Bunny?

-Bunny?

-Bunny?

-Bunny?

-Bunny?

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Bunny's been in the lavatory for three hours now,

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do you think he's locked himself in?

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He might have gone home.

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Well anyway, Beryl Hayes got a splinter in 'er tuppence

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but she won't let Dr Ferguson near it with the tweezers.

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It'll go sceptic, you mark my words.

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Well, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway, that Beryl Hayes 'as got

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more than a splinter in 'er tuppence most nights,

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if you know what I mean.

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Went sceptic years ago, if you know what I mean.

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She's a hoor, if you know what I mean.

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I don't like that Doctor Ferguson.

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You can't see a thing in 'is surgery through that stinky pipe smoke

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and 'is nose 'airs are disgustin' - all long and thick and black.

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You can't understan' a word of his Scotch accent,

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sounds like 'e's abaht to bite your head orf.

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Well anyway, 'e made our Albert's cough better,

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made 'im switch fag brands from Empire full strength

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to Pimlico deluxe and now 'e ain't bringin' up nearly so much blood.

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Well, anyway, anyway...

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Well, anyway, that turn in your sister's eye is getting worse.

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I waved at her this morning

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but she was looking in two different directions at once.

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Saves time when she's crossing the road

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but she'll never get a husband looking like that.

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Well, anyway, at least my sister

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ain't a big, fat, ugly, smelly lump like yorn.

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I think I saw one of those

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varicose veins in one of your legs that's going septic.

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You want to watch out for that dandruff -

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it's like the Himalayas on your shoulders.

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Anyway, have you heard? Apparently they've arrested Frank the coalman.

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They reckon he's pinched a piece of coal

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out of every single sack 'e's delivered since 1935.

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They reckon he's had over £65 worth over the years.

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Well, anyway, I got four Chelsea buns from 'Ibberts this morning.

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Thruppence ha'penny the lot. One of 'em ad a squashed fly in it.

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Gave it to Fatty Freda Watson - she didn't seem to mind.

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I don't like your new green cardy. It's a bit tarty.

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INCOMPREHENSIBLE MOCK IRISH ACCENT

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..probably Newmarket. Right away round the...

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Well, I can lend you my chap Michael, if you like,

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he's a decent vet - one of the Greenfields.

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The Greenfields. Very good hairse doctor. Very good hairse doctor.

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I'll get him to come down

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and take a look at that fetlock for you, shall I?

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..advisable. Really appreciate that. That'll be great.

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Now then, Padraig, a little bird tells me you're about to sell

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your shares in the Soho House Group to Bernie Ecclestone.

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Oh, now. Yes,

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the little fella rang me up and said his daughter's costing him

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an arm and a leg and he only has a little arm.

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He does only have a little arm.

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-He's only got a very little leg.

-He does only have a little leg.

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Yes, and it's not the easiest time in the world.

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I've also got to shift half of me holding in H&M.

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..pinning all me hopes on me luxury development in Shanghai.

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If it does as well as your Dubai development,

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you'll be buying yourself a new Veyron.

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Ah, well...

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INCOMPREHENSIBLE

0:17:040:17:06

..one in Dubai, one in Southern Ireland and one in Cork.

0:17:060:17:10

Do you not have Your Toupee here today?

0:17:100:17:12

Ah, well, I thought in a couple of days over the gallops,

0:17:120:17:14

"I'm better off with Dreadlock Holiday."

0:17:140:17:16

Yes, Dreadlock Holiday's better over the soft ground than Your Toupee.

0:17:160:17:19

I was going to ask you, whatever happened to Your Idiot Child?

0:17:190:17:22

He's doing very well,

0:17:220:17:24

since he won the St Leger here last year I put him in to stud.

0:17:240:17:27

He's earning a lot more money than my shares in BP, I can tell you.

0:17:270:17:30

I actually meant your other idiot child.

0:17:300:17:34

Oh, he's just flunked his AS Levels at Bradfield.

0:17:340:17:36

If the worst comes to the worst,

0:17:360:17:37

I've got him a job lined up on the cufflink counter at Aspreys.

0:17:370:17:40

So there we have it,

0:17:410:17:42

the winner of this year's Gold Cup, Easy Does it.

0:17:420:17:46

Trained by Padraig O'Herlahee and owned by Her Majesty The Queen.

0:17:460:17:50

'Canal cinq.'

0:17:550:17:57

HONK! HONK!

0:18:030:18:04

BEEPING

0:18:040:18:08

-GAVEL BANGS

-Bing!

0:18:080:18:09

Ce n'etait pas moi!

0:18:090:18:11

Le verdict est coupable.

0:18:130:18:15

Monsieur le Juge -

0:18:190:18:21

Bing est trop amusant d'etre amusant condamne a la prison.

0:18:210:18:24

'La Citron Autobus Molester, avec Air Con. Edition Pervert.'

0:18:350:18:39

Oh did I tell you I'm getting married on Saturday?

0:18:420:18:45

Really? Who's the lucky filly?

0:18:450:18:47

Well, I don't know yet. It's only Tuesday.

0:18:470:18:49

-Still plenty of time.

-That's true.

0:18:490:18:51

She looks nice, I'll marry her.

0:18:510:18:53

Excuse me, young lady, will you marry me?

0:18:530:18:56

You have such handsome wavy hair, I'd love to.

0:18:560:18:59

I could stay at home and cook and clean for you.

0:18:590:19:01

And laugh at all your jokes and look happy and pretty for you.

0:19:010:19:04

Well, that's splendid. I'll see you at Saint Margaret's church

0:19:040:19:07

on Saturday at three o'clock sharp. Don't be late or I'll be livid.

0:19:070:19:10

-What about children? Given them much thought?

-Heavens, no! I have now.

0:19:120:19:17

We'll have five. Three boys and two girls.

0:19:170:19:19

We'll call the boys John and the girls Janet.

0:19:190:19:21

Nanny'll look after them in the nursery.

0:19:210:19:23

When they're 18, they can go to university.

0:19:230:19:25

After that, I'll meet them and see if I like them.

0:19:250:19:27

You'll probably need a bigger house

0:19:270:19:29

what with all those children and a nanny and so forth.

0:19:290:19:31

That's a good point. Bill?

0:19:310:19:33

-Hello, Bill, how's the bank?

-Oh, you know. Full of ledgers.

0:19:330:19:37

Listen, Bill, I'm getting married and having five children on Saturday,

0:19:370:19:41

so I'll need a mortgage for a bigger house.

0:19:410:19:42

Nothing fancy, just a villa on Hyde Park or something.

0:19:420:19:45

Oh, better write you a cheque out here and now.

0:19:450:19:47

Won't you need some security?

0:19:470:19:49

Oh, you're a good sort aren't you?

0:19:490:19:50

And so say all of us.

0:19:500:19:52

Decent of you, Bill. Well, to my future wife.

0:19:530:19:57

-What's her name?

-Do you know, I don't know.

0:19:580:20:01

I don't suppose it matters. I'll call her "darling",

0:20:010:20:04

unless of course she breaks some of the family crockery

0:20:040:20:07

or loses a house key, in which case I'll call her "you bloody fool".

0:20:070:20:10

'Canal cinq.'

0:20:150:20:17

Ah, Bing, tu as les cornes d'orignac,

0:20:230:20:25

comme les anglais disent "Moose".

0:20:250:20:27

Moose! Oui! Avec des pom-poms!

0:20:270:20:30

Et tu manges des popadom et le pamplemousse.

0:20:300:20:33

C'est comme la Citron Popadom Pom-pom Pamplemousse Moose -

0:20:330:20:36

edition speciale - Popadom Pom-pom Pamplemousse Moose.

0:20:360:20:40

Pah, ding-dang-dang. Popadom Pom-Pom Pamplemousse Moose.

0:20:400:20:43

'Citroen Popadom Pom-Pom Pamplemousse Moose -

0:20:430:20:46

'edition speciale. Nom Improbable.'

0:20:460:20:48

# Here's a man that lives next door... #

0:20:480:20:51

-Hi Marcus.

-Thicko.

0:20:510:20:54

-Mwah.

-Mwah. Back again!

0:20:540:20:57

Like a bad smell. Mwah.

0:20:570:21:01

-This is my sister - Intelligencia.

-Hiya!

-God, how nauseating.

0:21:010:21:05

Intelligencia's companies are so 'mazing.

0:21:050:21:08

I started superyummygobbling.com for nice chocolatey things

0:21:080:21:11

and I've just sold that for 40 million.

0:21:110:21:13

Then I started cosyou'rejollyscrummy.com

0:21:130:21:17

for creamy cup cakey things, and that's now worth a hundred million.

0:21:170:21:20

And then I started scrummyyummy mummy.com

0:21:200:21:23

for scrumptious things for scrumptious mummies

0:21:230:21:25

and that's now worth 200 million...

0:21:250:21:28

Sorry. Do you mind if I just retch?

0:21:280:21:30

I knew you'd like her. And I thought she might like to buy...

0:21:350:21:37

-..some of my shit?

-I want to buy the brand!

0:21:370:21:39

I love the brand "I saw you coming". All the lovely mummies love it.

0:21:390:21:43

I can see huge potential for worldwide growth.

0:21:430:21:46

I'll give you £10 million.

0:21:460:21:48

You are fucking joking?!

0:21:480:21:49

MINOR KEY RUSSIAN STYLE MUSIC

0:21:570:22:00

PHONE RINGTONE

0:22:020:22:04

HORN BEEPS Sorry, love.

0:22:040:22:06

You could be buying some nuts

0:22:160:22:19

or kissing your sister good morning,

0:22:190:22:23

but you wake up to, "What has the townsfolk done to me?"

0:22:230:22:27

They have run away with your sister,

0:22:270:22:30

they can't sell her for much, she is withered -

0:22:300:22:34

but they have glued you to the chair

0:22:340:22:37

where you will stay for many, many, many years.

0:22:370:22:41

And your hair will grow all long - down, to the pavement.

0:22:410:22:46

I will get your mothers to walk by,

0:22:460:22:49

and your sister, and your grandfather

0:22:490:22:53

and your small bird walking past and then walking back again -

0:22:530:23:00

all day if the weather is nice - saying,

0:23:000:23:02

"There's old moany hair underneath his woolly cave."

0:23:020:23:07

I curse you.

0:23:090:23:12

AMERICAN ACCENT: You're looking at me like I'm a regular Joe, huh?

0:23:250:23:28

I ain't no regular Joe, huh. I'll tell you for why. Cos I'm a cop.

0:23:280:23:35

Been a cop all my life. My dad was a cop. My brothers are all cops.

0:23:350:23:41

I wake up in the morning, I'm a cop. I wash my face, I'm a cop.

0:23:410:23:46

I look in the mirror, I'm a cop.

0:23:460:23:48

When you look in the mirror can you say, "I'm a cop"?

0:23:480:23:52

No, you can't and I tell you for why - because you ain't a cop.

0:23:520:23:56

I'm a cop. You ain't a cop.

0:23:570:23:59

I was a cop. 35 years on the force.

0:23:590:24:02

900 take downs.

0:24:020:24:04

And 40 bad guys sucking dirt. Yeah. I was a cop.

0:24:040:24:07

-So what happened?

-Some scumbag in the IAU investigated me -

0:24:070:24:12

found a DAE.

0:24:120:24:13

Every cop's got a DAE. I got two DAEs and a PVI and I'm a cop.

0:24:130:24:18

Say that again?

0:24:180:24:20

Every cop's got a DAE. I got two DAEs and a PVI and I'm a cop.

0:24:200:24:25

-O'MalleyMulliganHoolagey.

-You wearing a wire?!

0:24:250:24:29

You're under arrest.

0:24:290:24:30

I can't believe you're wearing a wire. You're a cop. I'm a cop.

0:24:310:24:35

Once a cop, always a cop.

0:24:350:24:37

No cop wears a wire on another cop.

0:24:370:24:39

O'Pat EdderyFlanneryHoonigan?

0:24:390:24:41

Captain Alan MulleryMoolighan?

0:24:410:24:43

You're under arrest

0:24:430:24:45

for wearing a wire on another cop without a warrant from the DA.

0:24:450:24:48

I hate to do this, you're a good cop.

0:24:480:24:51

Goddamit, chief. I'm a cop.

0:24:510:24:53

-Same goes for you too.

-What's happening?

0:24:530:24:55

I'm crying like a baby.

0:24:550:24:58

Me too - and I'm a cop.

0:24:580:25:00

Rule 124, section 18d, subsection d5 - cops don't cry.

0:25:000:25:07

Snap out of it - you're a cop.

0:25:070:25:09

I'm a cop.

0:25:090:25:10

-You're a cop!

-I'm a cop.

0:25:100:25:12

Give me a Jack on the rocks.

0:25:120:25:14

You're a cop!

0:25:140:25:16

Derek Anderson. Your first question for £100.

0:25:160:25:21

Two plus two equals:

0:25:210:25:23

Two plus two equals five?

0:25:330:25:35

It's got a ring to it.

0:25:360:25:39

But then again, so does 8.735.

0:25:390:25:41

Could be that.

0:25:440:25:45

I don't think it's 186

0:25:500:25:51

Don't know why.

0:25:510:25:53

Just...don't think it's that.

0:25:550:25:57

Could be four.

0:26:030:26:05

Could be four.

0:26:090:26:10

Or five...

0:26:100:26:11

Or 8.735.

0:26:110:26:14

Going to have to hurry you.

0:26:140:26:15

I'm going to go with four.

0:26:200:26:23

Final answer?

0:26:230:26:24

Final answer.

0:26:240:26:25

Sure?

0:26:280:26:29

Yeah, I'm sure.

0:26:290:26:31

Final answer.

0:26:340:26:35

Derek Anderson, you've just won £100.

0:26:400:26:43

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0:27:060:27:09

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