Episode 3 Harry & Paul

This programme contains some strong language

What's your current handicap, Paul?

284, Harry.

Oh, mine's 285. Should be in for an interesting game of golf today.

Shot, Harry.

Nice shot, Paul.

Shot, Harry.

Nice shot, Paul.

Shot, Harry.

Nice shot, Paul.

Shot, Harry.

Nice shot, Paul.

Shot, Harry.

Do you want to change your cue?

No, I'm quite happy with this one.

Might as well take the flag out. Please.

Pressure shots.

Nice shot, Paul.

Shot, Harry.

Congratulations, Paul. You win the game of golf.

Thanks very much, Harry. I'll trouser that.

# Hurrah for Harry and Paul Your comedy is challenging and bold

# You're both incredibly handsome and tall

# You're not even beginning to look old

# In spite of increased production of flat-screen televisions

# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions

# We're pleased to let you bed our wives whenever your fancy beckons

# We'll fight with all of our might

# For your right to defend with nuclear weapons

# Love for Harry and Paul. #

Why the mischievous grin, Harry?

I was just internally chortling about the idea of how

enjoyable life might be if we were all a little bit more like the Arab.

Congratulations, Mr Wilson,

you've just passed your driving test at the 38th attempt.

Have you heard of Harry Redknapp?

Yes.

Is he a quare?

Well he doesn't much look like a quare, does he?

Oh, he doesn't much look like a quare.

And he doesn't much sound like a quare

when he's on It's Match Of The Day.

Oh, he doesn't much sound like a quare

when he's on It's Match Of The Day.

No, Harry Redknapp's a rather rough and ready fellow, isn't he?

Yes, a rough and ready ruffian.

I wonder if it's possible to not much look like a quare

and not much sound like a quare

when one's interviewed on It's Match Of The Day

and be a ruff and ready ruffian sort of fellow

yet still be a quare.

I feel rather out of my depth here.

-Bunny?

-Bunny.

-Bunny?

-Bunny.

-Bunny?

Bunny?

-You're a quare, aren't you?

-Oh, yes.

Is it possible to not much look like a quare

and not much sound like a quare

when one's interviewed on It's Match Of The Day,

and yet still actually be a rough and ready ruffian quare?

You mean like, could one be a builder, and a quare?

-Goodness.

-I suppose...yes

Or a great, big, tattooed sailor?

Or an Army Sergeant just back from Afghanistan

and in need of a little love?

Or a Filipino washer-upper at the Caprice without a valid work permit?

Or a bare-knuckled gypsy boxer, semi-naked,

and glistening in the ring, taking on all comers.

Have you seen the weather forecast?

-No.

-It's going to be nice.

-Good.

Ah, Mr Fielding. Congratulations, your new baby boy.

Aw!

Wow. Aw!

Beautiful! Hello!

BABY CRIES

GUNFIRE AND ARAB MUSIC PLAYS

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Good evening, Geoff. Reading a book, I see.

I was trying to, yeah.

Is it by Sir Walter Scott?

No, Dougal. Len Deighton.

Len Deighton. Oh, no. he's an English writer, is he not?

-Yes, Dougal.

-No, no.

Scottish writers are much, much better than English writers, I find.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Sir Walter Scott, Robert Louis Stevenson, Irvine Walsh -

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

"The price we have to pay for money is sometimes liberty,

"Begbie, you big spunk sac."

And I've yet to quote Robbie Burns.

"Dare to be honest and fear no labour."

-Can you quote Len Deighton?

-No.

Do you celebrate Len Deighton Night?

-No, Dougal. No.

-No.

Scottish writers are much, much more worthy of celebration

than English writers, aye.

Oh, yes. Everything's better in Scotland. Aye.

So, what are you having, Dougal?

I shall have a wee dram of whisky, aye.

Do you have Scottish whisky?

-Yes.

-Ah, and do you have English whisky?

No.

Oh, you don't have English whisky?

-No.

-No English whisky at all?

No, none at all.

Oh.

Would that be because Scottish whisky is much, much better

than English whisky?

Probably.

Aye, well, I shall have a Scottish whisky, please.

Yes, from the Highlands of Scotland. Yes, which are much, much higher

than the highlands of England, which aren't very high at all.

There's high peaks in the Lake District.

The Lake District doesn't even have a beastie.

I refer of course to the beastie in Loch Ness, Nessie.

The nearest you have to a beastie is The Beastie of Bodmin Moor,

which is merely an escaped cat.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello, mother. A beastie? On Arthur's seat?

Oh, dear. And Tiddles has been missing for three days?

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Don't worry about him, pal. We're not all like that.

I take a sideways look at life.

Aren't underpants fantastic?

The way they keep your winkie warm and cosy?

Imagine if we did'nae have shelves or tables?

Everything'd be on the floor! How spooky's that?

Do you know, Charles, it's such a shame about poor Audrey, Charles.

Such a shame, yes.

She really was the life and soul of our time at Cambridge.

Do you remember the time that TV crew came and filmed us all?

I don't, no.

Don't you, Charles?

No.

Really?

No. No.

There's a new generation on the march - a new human phenomenon.

"Young people".

Who are these "young people" and how will they shape our future?

We caught up with three "young people", students at Cambridge.

I'm one of the young people. We're studying medicine, aren't we?

Oh, yes.

Yes. We come from medical families, medical backgrounds,

-don't we, Charles?

-Oh, yes.

I'm also reading Greats, English Literature and Physics -

but that's just for fun.

I'm a communist and I'm going to have sex before marriage.

# Women of the world Why can't we all unit

# We'd like to cease production but we're just too jolly polite

# If only then we could unify Then we could pool our might

# And give McMillan and his chums the most almighty fright. #

What is your vision of the future?

I think it's going to be perfectly lovely.

Everyone's going to get on frightfully well.

Beastliness will be abolished and I'm very looking forward to it.

I agree with Sheridan.

But on the downside, I think there might be a link

between smoking and cancer.

I hope for a socialist utopia along the lines of the Soviet Union, where

they share everything and poverty and hardship has been eradicated.

I also hope more young ladies like myself

are going to have sex before marriage.

For our next sketch, we present Homer's Silly-Ad!

What? I've got to go all the way to Troy with my lumbago?

LAUGHTER

Do you think we should ban the bomb?

I think we jolly well should.

Oh, ban all bombs. And more ladies should have sex before marriage.

Are you doing one of your Footlights skits now?

No, we're just being feminist and brilliant.

Has anyone read Lucky Jim?

-Oh, yes.

-Rather.

Me too. And Lady Chatterley's Lover.

Are you doing one of your Footlights skits now?

No, we're still being brilliant.

I like jazz music.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

I didn't realise they'd translated it.

I've only ever read it in Urdu.

What's the matter with Audrey today?

Last night she had sex before marriage with Kingsley Amis.

She's renounced communism and returned to the Catholic church.

Are you doing one of your Footlights skits now?

(MUMBLES) Holy Mary mother of God, pray for our sins now...

Poor, poor Audrey. How long was she in that convent for?

Oh, I suppose if she went in in '55,

she would've been in for 50, 55 years?

50, 55 years?

55 years. It was only three years ago that she came out.

Did you attend her civil partnership to her brick-laying lesbian lover?

I did, Charles.

And it really was a joy to see her finally find love after what,

50, 55 years?

-50, 55 years.

-Must've been 50, 55 years.

50, 55 years.

50, 55 years without love, Charles.

50, 55 years. Goodness me.

Yes, 50, 55 years.

50, 55 years.

50, 55 years.

How's Anne, George?

Oh, much the same.

You know George, don't you, George?

How's Anne, George?

Much the same.

Gentlemen, there's a crisis in the Circus.

Clearly.

We seem to be employing two George Smileys.

Quite.

Well I'm the real George Smiley, because I'm cleaning my glasses.

I'm the real George Smiley...

..because I'm looking out the window at a double-decker bus.

The question you have to ask yourself, Control, is,

who is copying whom?

I'm copying no-one.

I went back to the books for this.

That's where I got voice - the books.

"Use the force, Luke."

Oh, dear, George.

Perhaps it would be safer

if you said "Nil by Mouth".

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Back off both of you.

Or take it outside.

Look, I can't have two George Smileys.

It's costing us a fortune in tea and biscuits.

Might I offer a solution

-What?

-A contest.

To see which of us looks the most disappointed with the world...

..whilst at the same time suggesting a hinterland of other interests

All right.

Hmm. Impressive.

George?

Oh, this is useless. How about a job share?

Will it affect our pensions?

I don't see how it could.

Then I don't see how I could possibly object.

Yes, it would seem to be the perfect solution.

So, in a way, you could say that the best man half won.

Did he?

Did he really?

It seems obvious from the evidence before this court that

you are entirely innocent of the crime

of which you stand accused, namely

the possession of a knife with the intention of endangering life.

Therefore, case dismissed.

-Jeremy's going to be there.

-Oh, is he?

-Justin'll be there.

-Oh, yes.

-And Jocelyn.

-Ah, good morning! Morning, morning!

-Morning. What a blustery day!

Um, hello. Do I know you?

-I don't think so.

-We're minor Royals. I'm a cousin of the queen.

And so am I, but by a different branch of the family - fortunately!

Yes, we've been overshadowed by William and Kate

-but it couldn't matter less.

-It really couldn't.

-Maybe I recognise your voices.

-Of course!

You recognise people through their voices!

I suppose if one sense is completely defunct then the others

have to sort of sharpen up a bit. How brilliant the body is!

And to go for a walk when you can't see anything!

I couldn't do it, I really couldn't.

I'd be too worried about being run over by a car

or walking smack-bang into a lamppost.

So jolly good for you! Can we do anything? Look after your dog or...?

Well, if I give you my dog, I wouldn't get very far. He's my eyes.

Of course! That's why blind people have dogs.

One learns something new every day in the park, it's such an education.

We have a black lab called Mugabe.

Yeah, well, if you'll excuse me, I need to get home.

Of course.

You live in a home. We could open your home for you.

Yes, I always carry scissors in case there's a ribbon to cut.

Yes, we could name your home after my wife -

-The Princess George Home for the Marvellously Blind.

-No.

-Couldn't matter less. Off you toddle then. Goodbye.

-Cheerio!

Quite extraordinary how he can sense where the path goes.

-It's actually quite creepy.

-Good for you.

-Come on.

Wonderful things, trees, aren't they, darling?

How do they know when to grow and shed their leaves?

I'm sure I'd get in a terrible muddle if I were a tree.

Nonsense! You'd make a marvellous tree.

-Bunny?

-Bunny?

-Bunny?

-Bunny?

-Bunny?

Bunny's been in the lavatory for three hours now,

do you think he's locked himself in?

He might have gone home.

Well anyway, Beryl Hayes got a splinter in 'er tuppence

but she won't let Dr Ferguson near it with the tweezers.

It'll go sceptic, you mark my words.

Well, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway, that Beryl Hayes 'as got

more than a splinter in 'er tuppence most nights,

if you know what I mean.

Went sceptic years ago, if you know what I mean.

She's a hoor, if you know what I mean.

I don't like that Doctor Ferguson.

You can't see a thing in 'is surgery through that stinky pipe smoke

and 'is nose 'airs are disgustin' - all long and thick and black.

You can't understan' a word of his Scotch accent,

sounds like 'e's abaht to bite your head orf.

Well anyway, 'e made our Albert's cough better,

made 'im switch fag brands from Empire full strength

to Pimlico deluxe and now 'e ain't bringin' up nearly so much blood.

Well, anyway, anyway...

Well, anyway, that turn in your sister's eye is getting worse.

I waved at her this morning

but she was looking in two different directions at once.

Saves time when she's crossing the road

but she'll never get a husband looking like that.

Well, anyway, at least my sister

ain't a big, fat, ugly, smelly lump like yorn.

I think I saw one of those

varicose veins in one of your legs that's going septic.

You want to watch out for that dandruff -

it's like the Himalayas on your shoulders.

Anyway, have you heard? Apparently they've arrested Frank the coalman.

They reckon he's pinched a piece of coal

out of every single sack 'e's delivered since 1935.

They reckon he's had over £65 worth over the years.

Well, anyway, I got four Chelsea buns from 'Ibberts this morning.

Thruppence ha'penny the lot. One of 'em ad a squashed fly in it.

Gave it to Fatty Freda Watson - she didn't seem to mind.

I don't like your new green cardy. It's a bit tarty.

INCOMPREHENSIBLE MOCK IRISH ACCENT

..probably Newmarket. Right away round the...

Well, I can lend you my chap Michael, if you like,

he's a decent vet - one of the Greenfields.

The Greenfields. Very good hairse doctor. Very good hairse doctor.

I'll get him to come down

and take a look at that fetlock for you, shall I?

..advisable. Really appreciate that. That'll be great.

Now then, Padraig, a little bird tells me you're about to sell

your shares in the Soho House Group to Bernie Ecclestone.

Oh, now. Yes,

the little fella rang me up and said his daughter's costing him

an arm and a leg and he only has a little arm.

He does only have a little arm.

-He's only got a very little leg.

-He does only have a little leg.

Yes, and it's not the easiest time in the world.

I've also got to shift half of me holding in H&M.

..pinning all me hopes on me luxury development in Shanghai.

If it does as well as your Dubai development,

you'll be buying yourself a new Veyron.

Ah, well...

INCOMPREHENSIBLE

..one in Dubai, one in Southern Ireland and one in Cork.

Do you not have Your Toupee here today?

Ah, well, I thought in a couple of days over the gallops,

"I'm better off with Dreadlock Holiday."

Yes, Dreadlock Holiday's better over the soft ground than Your Toupee.

I was going to ask you, whatever happened to Your Idiot Child?

He's doing very well,

since he won the St Leger here last year I put him in to stud.

He's earning a lot more money than my shares in BP, I can tell you.

I actually meant your other idiot child.

Oh, he's just flunked his AS Levels at Bradfield.

If the worst comes to the worst,

I've got him a job lined up on the cufflink counter at Aspreys.

So there we have it,

the winner of this year's Gold Cup, Easy Does it.

Trained by Padraig O'Herlahee and owned by Her Majesty The Queen.

'Canal cinq.'

HONK! HONK!

BEEPING

-GAVEL BANGS

-Bing!

Ce n'etait pas moi!

Le verdict est coupable.

Monsieur le Juge -

Bing est trop amusant d'etre amusant condamne a la prison.

'La Citron Autobus Molester, avec Air Con. Edition Pervert.'

Oh did I tell you I'm getting married on Saturday?

Really? Who's the lucky filly?

Well, I don't know yet. It's only Tuesday.

-Still plenty of time.

-That's true.

She looks nice, I'll marry her.

Excuse me, young lady, will you marry me?

You have such handsome wavy hair, I'd love to.

I could stay at home and cook and clean for you.

And laugh at all your jokes and look happy and pretty for you.

Well, that's splendid. I'll see you at Saint Margaret's church

on Saturday at three o'clock sharp. Don't be late or I'll be livid.

-What about children? Given them much thought?

-Heavens, no! I have now.

We'll have five. Three boys and two girls.

We'll call the boys John and the girls Janet.

Nanny'll look after them in the nursery.

When they're 18, they can go to university.

After that, I'll meet them and see if I like them.

You'll probably need a bigger house

what with all those children and a nanny and so forth.

That's a good point. Bill?

-Hello, Bill, how's the bank?

-Oh, you know. Full of ledgers.

Listen, Bill, I'm getting married and having five children on Saturday,

so I'll need a mortgage for a bigger house.

Nothing fancy, just a villa on Hyde Park or something.

Oh, better write you a cheque out here and now.

Won't you need some security?

Oh, you're a good sort aren't you?

And so say all of us.

Decent of you, Bill. Well, to my future wife.

-What's her name?

-Do you know, I don't know.

I don't suppose it matters. I'll call her "darling",

unless of course she breaks some of the family crockery

or loses a house key, in which case I'll call her "you bloody fool".

'Canal cinq.'

Ah, Bing, tu as les cornes d'orignac,

comme les anglais disent "Moose".

Moose! Oui! Avec des pom-poms!

Et tu manges des popadom et le pamplemousse.

C'est comme la Citron Popadom Pom-pom Pamplemousse Moose -

edition speciale - Popadom Pom-pom Pamplemousse Moose.

Pah, ding-dang-dang. Popadom Pom-Pom Pamplemousse Moose.

'Citroen Popadom Pom-Pom Pamplemousse Moose -

'edition speciale. Nom Improbable.'

# Here's a man that lives next door... #

-Hi Marcus.

-Thicko.

-Mwah.

-Mwah. Back again!

Like a bad smell. Mwah.

-This is my sister - Intelligencia.

-Hiya!

-God, how nauseating.

Intelligencia's companies are so 'mazing.

I started superyummygobbling.com for nice chocolatey things

and I've just sold that for 40 million.

Then I started cosyou'rejollyscrummy.com

for creamy cup cakey things, and that's now worth a hundred million.

And then I started scrummyyummy mummy.com

for scrumptious things for scrumptious mummies

and that's now worth 200 million...

Sorry. Do you mind if I just retch?

I knew you'd like her. And I thought she might like to buy...

-..some of my shit?

-I want to buy the brand!

I love the brand "I saw you coming". All the lovely mummies love it.

I can see huge potential for worldwide growth.

I'll give you £10 million.

You are fucking joking?!

MINOR KEY RUSSIAN STYLE MUSIC

PHONE RINGTONE

HORN BEEPS Sorry, love.

You could be buying some nuts

or kissing your sister good morning,

but you wake up to, "What has the townsfolk done to me?"

They have run away with your sister,

they can't sell her for much, she is withered -

but they have glued you to the chair

where you will stay for many, many, many years.

And your hair will grow all long - down, to the pavement.

I will get your mothers to walk by,

and your sister, and your grandfather

and your small bird walking past and then walking back again -

all day if the weather is nice - saying,

"There's old moany hair underneath his woolly cave."

I curse you.

AMERICAN ACCENT: You're looking at me like I'm a regular Joe, huh?

I ain't no regular Joe, huh. I'll tell you for why. Cos I'm a cop.

Been a cop all my life. My dad was a cop. My brothers are all cops.

I wake up in the morning, I'm a cop. I wash my face, I'm a cop.

I look in the mirror, I'm a cop.

When you look in the mirror can you say, "I'm a cop"?

No, you can't and I tell you for why - because you ain't a cop.

I'm a cop. You ain't a cop.

I was a cop. 35 years on the force.

900 take downs.

And 40 bad guys sucking dirt. Yeah. I was a cop.

-So what happened?

-Some scumbag in the IAU investigated me -

found a DAE.

Every cop's got a DAE. I got two DAEs and a PVI and I'm a cop.

Say that again?

Every cop's got a DAE. I got two DAEs and a PVI and I'm a cop.

-O'MalleyMulliganHoolagey.

-You wearing a wire?!

You're under arrest.

I can't believe you're wearing a wire. You're a cop. I'm a cop.

Once a cop, always a cop.

No cop wears a wire on another cop.

O'Pat EdderyFlanneryHoonigan?

Captain Alan MulleryMoolighan?

You're under arrest

for wearing a wire on another cop without a warrant from the DA.

I hate to do this, you're a good cop.

Goddamit, chief. I'm a cop.

-Same goes for you too.

-What's happening?

I'm crying like a baby.

Me too - and I'm a cop.

Rule 124, section 18d, subsection d5 - cops don't cry.

Snap out of it - you're a cop.

I'm a cop.

-You're a cop!

-I'm a cop.

Give me a Jack on the rocks.

You're a cop!

Derek Anderson. Your first question for £100.

Two plus two equals:

Two plus two equals five?

It's got a ring to it.

But then again, so does 8.735.

Could be that.

I don't think it's 186

Don't know why.

Just...don't think it's that.

Could be four.

Could be four.

Or five...

Or 8.735.

Going to have to hurry you.

I'm going to go with four.

Final answer?

Final answer.

Sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Final answer.

Derek Anderson, you've just won £100.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.