Episode 4 Harry & Paul

-IN RICKY GERVAIS VOICE:

-Hi. Harry Enfield, yeah? I've noticed quite a few actors have started to sound

a bit like Ricky Gervais, in BBC Three, Channel Four sitcoms -

mentioning no names. Phone Shop, Him and Her, yeah?

At first I thought, "No, not for me."

Then I thought, "Young people like them, can't beat 'em join 'em."

Yeah?

Off to see Paul Whitehouse, do some writing in his house.

Mine's bigger. So is my house. Nob gag.

IN RICKY GERVAIS VOICE: Ooh. Harry Enfield, yeah?

When you bringing back Loadsamoney, yeah?

Ooh. Bit sexist.

Ironic. Post-modern. Keep up, Stavros. Racist.

Greeks loved it.

Let's start writing comedy.

I hate Spastics... Society as the former name of Scope.

Can't believe they ever called it that.

Totally insulting to people with cerebral palsy.

I hate Mongs...golia as a holiday destination, yeah?

Too hot. Prefer a more temperate climate, hmm?

I hate the "juice" you get from vending machines.

Always too sweet. Only like freshly squeezed juice, yeah?

DOORBELL RINGS Yeah? Celebrity friend?

Coming round to see US... yeah?

-Go on, Jeeves.

-I'll go, yeah?

-Yeah.

I'll just see celebrity A-list...

Celebrity.

Come in, Nigel, mate. UKIP.

-Nigel, UKIP.

-How's it going?

Well, a lot better than this. I mean, what is going on here?

This is frankly embarrassing. What have you sunk to, Enfield?

I mean, have some pride in your work.

Although, to be honest, you've done nothing decent since Loadsamoney.

-Look at camera.

-Have done.

-And again.

-Did.

This programme contains some strong language.

# Hurrah for Harry and Paul

# Your comedy is challenging and bold

# You're both incredibly handsome and tall

# You're not even beginning to look old

# We strive to increase production of flat-screen televisions

# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions

# We're pleased to let you bed our wives whenever your fancy beckons

# We'll fight with all of our might

# For your right to develop nuclear weapons

# Hurrah for Harry and Paul. #

And now from the 1930-40s,

Movie Originals presents The King's Speech.

-IN ODD ACCENT: You must be the Queen Mum.

-Yes, but I'm in disguise.

I see. And this is His Majesty?

Yes, he's in disguise too. And he speaks in a funny way.

I'm B-B-B-Bertie, the K-K-K-King.

I'll take this case.

P-P-P-people of G-G-G-Great B-B-B-Britain

and the C-C-C-Colonies, in this g-g-g-grave hour,

p-p-possibly the m-m-most f-f-fateful in our h-h-history...

Yes. I can see the problem already.

The reason you're sounding like a gibbering halfwit

is you're repeating the first letter of words for no reason at all.

It's not "P-P-P-People". It's "People".

Don't say the P three times - simply say it once,

then crack on with the rest of the word.

-People.

-That's it.

Of G-G-G-Great B-B-B-Britain.

No! You're doing it again! Yet more gibberish.

Remember, your three-times business is a silly business. Cut it out.

People of Great Britain and the Colonies,

in this grave hour, perhaps the most fateful in our history...

Cured!

Hello, darling. I'm cured.

I must have sounded like a demented buffoon with my idiotic three-times business.

Why on Earth did nobody tell me before?

We're all too British and polite, darling.

Whereas I'm an Australian cobber billabong. I've no manners,

so I was able to blurt out the problem in an uncouth way.

-Here's a little something for your trouble.

-Why, thank you very much.

C-C-C-Cor b-b-b-blimey! K-k-kangaroo.

Blimey, now you've got me at it! THEY LAUGH

-I'm Bob Doofus.

-And I'm Bob Sakey.

-Say, Bob! You gone crazy?

-Darn right, Bob!

You been killing whores for Jesus?

Even crazier, Bob!

It's this month's deal I've cooked up.

We got 99 cars for just 99-hundred 99-dollars, 99 cents, 90.

With one final, peace of mind guarantee payment

of 99-hundred and 99-dollars and 99.

We're so sure about the quality of our cars

that at the end of 99 days, we'll buy back any car for 9.99

with one final payment twice of 99.90.

Bob, that really is as crazy as killing whores for Jesus.

Let's shake on it... D'oh!

Do you know who I mean by Stephen Fry?

Yes. Yes of course I do. He's my godson.

-Is he?

-Yes.

-Is he a queer?

-Of course he's not a queer, he's my godson.

-Well, he looks like a queer.

-No, he doesn't. He's my godson.

-And he sounds like a queer.

-He doesn't. He's my godson.

Well, I think he looks like a queer and he sounds like a queer on television.

I was just wondering if he probably was a queer. He looks and sounds like a queer - he probably is a queer.

Certainly not. He's my godson. Have you finished with my newspaper?

My lips are sealed.

And anyway, I saw you clamberin' onto the bus this mornin'!

Crikey, you ain't been holdin' back since they stopped sweet rationin', 'ave you?

Well, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway - there's nothin' wrong with the way I look. Fuller figured I am.

My Billy says he likes it.

Says there's more to get 'old of. Not that I let 'im.

I'm saving myself, see? Unlike some I could mention.

Well, anyway, anyway, anyway - where you goin' for your summer 'olidays?

Off again 'op pickin', I suppose?

Slavin' away like coolies in the field. What kind of holiday's that?

We're goin' to Butlins in Bognor Regis.

That's right. Bingo every night, a nobly knees competition

and Shane Fenton and the Fentones is in residency.

We shall have a smashin' time. Don't work too 'ard, will you?

Well, we was goin' to go to Shanklin on the Isle of Wight in the summer, as a matter of fact.

But we might have to put it off for a bit cos me uncle's got something called lung cancer.

I doubt it'll last long, though. He's got the constitution of a ox.

Do I look like a douchebag?

No, Anthony - and you're not one.

You're damn right about that, Bob.

Because Anthony here's not only taking advantage of our latest offer

on a beautiful new automobile, Anthony's also buying...

Piece of mind - a warranty that covers any part from 99 cents

to 9 dollars, 99, for just 9-hundred 99 down

plus nine satisfaction payments of 9.99 per week for 99 weeks.

Anthony's also purchasing windshield insurance for 999 down

and 999 payments of 99.99

with a final fulfilment payment of just 99.90.

Do I look like a douchebag?

MUSIC: "I've Got To Get Away" by John Holt and the Paragons

-Marcus!

-Emmamimma.

-How are you?

-Yeah, really good, thanks.

-Mwah! How are you?

-Amazing. Mwah!

You've opened a bakery.

Oh, don't be stupid. It's an artisan bakery.

-Oh, sorry. What's the difference between an artisan bakery and a normal bakery?

-£5 a loaf.

Oh. Well, it looks wonderful. And I love the typewriter.

-It's so Mad Men.

-That's to make people like you think this is a great place to come and have ideas

for that screenplay you're never going to write.

Oh, I have got an idea for a screenplay I want to write.

-Is it loosely based on you and your dull friends?

-Yeah.

Oh, isn't £10 rather a lot for a chocolate tart?

Oh, I'm so sorry. That's a mistake.

Ooh! Chocolat tarte! Oh, how sophisticatedly yummy.

Yes, I'd love one of those please.

Would you like coffee?

Double espresso, please.

OK, that'll be £4.50. Any sugar?

-Uh, no thank you.

-£5.50.

Well, it contains no added sugar.

Go and take a seat. I'll bring it over in some mismatched crockery I got from the Mind shop.

De-lish!

Listen, Emmamimma. I wonder if you'd like to come on my cupcake decorating course?

It's two days. I teach you how to stick a pink star on a bun.

-Oh.

-It's £400, and you go away feeling you've finally achieved something in your little life.

Oh, my parents will be so pleased.

Oh, dear. That is not a pleasant pint. No, no, no.

-Do you have no Scottish beer at all?

-No, Dougal.

Scottish beer's much better than English beer, I find.

Oh, yes. Everything's better in Scotland, yes.

-Look, if you don't like the beer, have something else.

-I might do that, yes. Do you have wine?

Well, I've got an Australian Chardonnay, got a French Sancerre...

-Do you have any Scottish wine?

-No.

Because Scottish wine is much better that English wine, I find.

Well, I don't have either, Dougal.

Well, I shall have to have my English beer then,

even though it's not a pleasant pint, compared to a Scottish pint.

What is this racket?

-Oh, you must know this, Dougal - it's Coldplay.

-I most certainly do not know it, no.

And I don't particularly care for it. Do you have anything by The Proclaimers?

-No, we don't.

-How about Big Country?

-No, afraid not.

-Sheena Easton?

-No.

Because English music all sounds exactly the same to me, like a fearful din.

Whereas Scottish music is invariably pleasant to the ears.

Do you have no Bay City Rollers?

Oh, come on, Dougal. You cannot believe that The Bay City Rollers are better than all English music.

I mean, what about the Beatles?

The Beatles only composed one decent song in their entire history,

Mull of Kintyre.

Mull of Kintyre was by Wings.

Hmm... Nice computer.

An Apple Macintosh, unless I'm mistaken.

Named after the fruit and the Scotsman. Oh, yes.

Scottish names are much better for naming computers after than English names, aye.

Oh, yes. Everything's better in Scotland, aye.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, yes.

Hello, Mother. You've a Dell coming?

Oh, that's a fine computer, but not a patch on...

Oh, Adele, the singer. No, I've not heard of her. Is she Scottish?

And she's coming to Edinburgh?

And you're excited by that?

Dinnae worry about him, pal. We're no' all like that.

I take a sideways look at life.

Aren't coats fantastic?

With two great tubes for your arms and your wee handies free at the end

to dae things like drink beer or wank.

# Parking Pataweyo, Parking Pataweyo

# Parking Pataweyo and his black and white cataweyo

# Forget to feed the meter?

# Pataweyo's eager

# To pop a ticket on your car and get you towed awayo. #

Hello, Parking Pataweyo. You're looking very pleased with yourself.

Oh, goodness.

Delivery Delroy's delivering some heavy supplies. And because there are no bays nearby,

he's been forced to park with his back wheels very slightly over the yellow line.

Tut-tut. Can you see?

Are you going to oil the wheels of commerce

by allowing Delivery Delroy to get on with his job, Parking Pataweyo?

Or are you going to throw a giant bureaucratic spanner into the works,

in the form of a parking ticket?

He's like a lamb to the slaughter, isn't he?

"Oh! Honestly, Parking Pataweyo! What do you want me to do?

"Park half a mile away an' den walk with each crate?"

Isn't ticketing fun, when you know logic is on Delivery Delroy's side,

but the law is on yours?

"Coconut," mumbles Delivery Delroy.

But introducing a racial element is nothing new to Parking Patweyo.

He's had far worse than that.

"Dis is the fourth ticket you've given me this week, Parking Pataweyo.

"Me can't afford to run dis business if you keep doin' this."

Are you going to give him another ticket tomorrow?

Are you going to drive Delivery Delroy out of business?

"Then perhaps he can get a proper job," says Parking Pataweyo.

"Like being a parking enforcer!"

Everyone loves Parking Pataweyo.

Hello, darling.

-Darling, I've been so worried about you.

-Oh, why on Earth?

-Because you didn't come home last night.

-Oh yes.

-And you're in prison.

-Oh yes.

And you only went out to post a letter.

Damn!

Oh, I'm afraid I've been a bit of a chump.

I was literally in the act of posting that letter

when I bumped into Gerry. You remember Gerry, don't you?

Yes of course I do, darling. Gelignite Gerry.

EXPLOSION GERRY LAUGHS

That's the fellow.

On Saturday, he met a 21-year-old heiress worth a fortune,

and she's perfectly prepared to marry him.

How wonderful! He'll never have to try and hold down a job again.

His thoughts exactly.

So we thought it might be fun to go to Cliveden

and celebrate at the poolside bar.

Don't ask me how, but after a couple of cases of Veuve Cliquot,

we got on to the subject about mixing water and electricity -

a dicey business in my view,

but Gerry said they go together like whisky and ginger.

-So, in the end, we agreed to settle the matter with a wager.

-Oh, darling. What fun!

SCREAMING

All those poor swimmers. Whilst I was happy to be proved right on the science,

I felt rather uncomfortable seeing them all writhing around in agony.

Gerry thought it would be kind to finish them off.

Well, that's Gerry for you, isn't it, darling? Kindness is his middle name.

I feel beastly, though. All those swimmers snuffed out in the prime of their lives.

Well, darling, you can hardly be held responsible under the circumstances.

You were just drunk.

Now, come here you loveable, brainy-about-electricity, silly old drunken thing.

-How I love you.

-Oh!

All right, you two young lovebirds.

Off home with you now.

-Goodnight, officer.

-Goodnight, sir.

Wait a moment, sir. You forgot...

I'll post it for you.

Oh! Sorry, love.

One day very soon

the fine prince will send small messages

to the elders of the car mending shop.

Get me a jolly machine

to clasp this man together like a rubbery ball.

"What an extraordinary sight I am seeing from the window,"

the newspaper says.

He has been bouncing for days, bouncing off the buildings

and making the traffic cry!

Not that I see. I turn away.

I don't want to see you no more.

You're just a ball. A ball that's bouncing off the buildings.

I curse you.

HE CHUCKLES

HE LAUGHS

Phwoar!

Oi! Sherlock! Where are you? HE LAUGHS

I'm in me mind palace! Ha ha ha!

Phwoar! I'd give it 15.

HE LAUGHS

Cor blimey, Holmes. What did you have a last night, a curry?

HE CHUCKLES

Well done, Watson. You're getting a nose for this kind of business.

-THEY LAUGH

-Sherlock!

Hold up! Here comes Una, my landlady.

-Come to do the cleaning!

-Una, this is Watson.

HE LAUGHS

Phwoar! Look at you! You're a bit of all right.

Phwoar! Hey hey!

Hello, gorgeous. I came to clean up,

but I feel like getting dirty with you.

HE LAUGHS

If you fancy a bit of how's-yer-father, a bit of rumpy-pumpy, I'll be downstairs.

Phwoar... Oh!

Cor blimey! She's a bit of all right.

HE LAUGHS

And she don't half fancy you! Ha ha!

How'd you work that out?

From upon the moment when I introduced you, I noticed her say...

Phwoar! You're a bit of all right, aren't you?

Ha ha! I deducted it was of a hanky-panky nature when she said...

I feel like getting dirty with you.

My suspicions were further aroused

by the physical signs what she gave off....

My theory was proved beyond doubt when she prattled...

If you fancy a bit of

how's-yer-father,

I'll be downstairs.

HE LAUGHS

How the devil and the duce did you deduce that, Holmes?

Oh, hold up. Here comes trouble!

Oh, my gawd! It's Moriarty-farty, the despicable old pooftah.

SLOW SLAPSTICK MUSIC

Hello, duckies!

I hate you, Sherlock.

-Quick, Sherlock. Think of something!

-Oh-ho-ho!

-Gah!

-THEY LAUGH

Oh, my giddy aunt!

THEY LAUGH

My Alfie reckons Shane Fenton's a pansy, or a nancy boy -

I can't remember which.

If Shane Fenton's a pansy, then so's Dirk Bogarde.

I tell you who's the pansy - Adam Faith, he's the pansy. You only have to look at his trousers.

Dirk Bogarde's as much of a pansy as Rock 'Udson!

Anyway, and anyway - I felt sick today watchin' you eat that Bovril sandwich.

Chompin' away with those big Hampstead Heaths like there's no tomorrow.

How you going to fit in that bathing suit of yours?

I hope no-one mistakes you for the fat one out of Laurel and 'Ardy. Ha-ha!

Well, anyway, anyway - you're just jealous cos all you ever get to eat is corned beef and spam.

And anyway - I didn't tell you, did I? My Billy took me to an Italian restaurant last night.

That's right. It was called Il Bisto. An' we had something called spaghetti on the naze.

And red wine, and ice cream, and an After Eight.

And Luigi, the waiter - ever so handsome he was -

he told me I was beautiful, and winked at me when Billy was arguin' with the manager about the cost.

You're off your chump, eatin' all that foreign muck.

You'll be on the lavvy for days and you'll start sprouting hair in funny places.

-'Fore you know it, you'll start lookin' like a fuzzy-wuzzy. See you in church on Sunday. Ta-ra!

-Ta-ra!

You know how it is these days? You gotta be nice to retards?

Buy 'em a cookie and ruffle their hair?

Well, here at Bob & Bob's Cars, we still lock 'em up!

Why'd I lock you up, Bob?

Cos I came up with this month's deal, Bob.

It's so simple, I gots to be a retard.

For only 99 dollars down

and 99 payments of 9.99

totalling 990.99-hundred,

or for one payment of only 99,999,

this beautiful automobile can be yours.

Want it even simpler? Tell 'em, Bob!

Well, Bob, on this automobile you pay 990 down

and just 99.99 a month for nine months,

followed by nine months of 9.90

and then nine weeks of 99

and a final payment of 99.99.

Bob, that deal's so simple, you gotta be a retard.

-You like it, Bob?

-I love it.

-Well, come on in!

'Next came Ken and Brian from Brian Farnet

'with their solution to the global financial crisis.'

Dragons, may I please be delighted to present to you

a brand new currency which hopefully - with your help - will hopefully replace

the euro, dollar, peso, pound,

rouble, yen, rembini...

-Get on with it!

-..and Vietnamese dong.

Dragons, we present the worldo.

'There's a problem. Ken's dropped the worldo.'

Um...

This isn't an actual worldo - it's a mock-up

of what the real one might look like

-if Ken can find it on the floor.

-Found it!

As you can see, the worldo

is not only better than the euro, it's also bigger.

'The old Dragons look unimpressed,

'but what will the dead Dragon make of the worldo?'

DRAMATIC MUSIC

THUNDER CRACKS

Enough! I've made millions out of road haulage!

You insignificant fools!

Things got a bit heated in there, didn't they?

Do you think you'll bounce back?

Oh, darling. You poor, poor thing. How perfectly horrid.

Oh, darling. I've been a bit of a twerp again.

There I was in Savile Row, when who should I bump into, but Gregory.

You remember Gregory, don't you?

Gunpowder Gregory?

That's the fellow.

We polished off a few bottles of rather indifferent plonk,

when Gregory suddenly noticed the date.

And the view from the window.

Oh, darling. It seemed foolish to turn up such an opportunity.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, darling. You are a silly sausage!

All those dead MPs. I suppose there'll have to be a general election.

What a bore for the people - they must think I'm a heel.

Not at all, darling. Everyone's being very sweet about it.

You were just drunk.

Well, you're a darling to come and get me. I'm sorry if I was a little offhand on the phone last night.

You trollope, you hussy, you whore, you slut, you jezebel!

Don't be silly, darling. Who am I to criticise?

You know what I can be like.

You're all frigid!

Woo!

You'll never know what it's like to have a cock!

-BOTH:

-How I adore you.

All right, you two young lovebirds. Off home with you now

and remember, sir, no more of your playful silliness.

But, on a personal note, can I say I think you've done the country a great service?

And I for one hope a charismatic figure from the far right

emerges to fill the vacuum.

-Goodnight, officer.

-Goodnight, sir.

Now, Charles, wasn't that pathology forum dreadfully dull?

I spent the entire meeting re-clueing yesterday's Times crossword grid in my head.

"Make a mess of tidying station" - seven letters.

-Dignity.

-Very good, Charles. Very good indeed.

-Now, tell me, did you download the XBox Mass Effect 3 demo I told you about?

-I have.

-What's the verdict?

-Well, it's not up there with Call of Duty 3, but quite honestly,

anything's a blessing after the constant grind of Elder Scrolls 4.

The very idea of not incorporating online multiplayer death match mode in a premium release RPG

is at best deeply short-sighted and at worst a catastrophe.

-Yes. I gave up, I'm afraid.

-Fair do's, Charles, fair do's.

They don't do do's like they used to do do's, do they?

THEY LAUGH

Well, if I can get away from the Board of Trustees Extraordinary General Meeting tonight

at anything like a civilised hour,

I shall hurry back to my crib and see you online. Boo-tchauw!

You're a rotter, Sheridan.

Ha! Gotcha!

HE LAUGHS

# Hurrah for Harry and Paul

# Your comedy is challenging and bold

# You're both incredibly handsome and tall

# You're not even beginning to look old

# We strive to increase production of flat-screen televisions

# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions

# Hurrah for Harry and Paul. #