Episode 5 Harry & Paul

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# You're not even beginning to look old

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# Hurrah for Harry and Paul. #

Good morning, sir.

Hello, I'd like to buy a television.

Is this a television?

Yes. She's a beauty, isn't she?

Is it like going to the cinema, but at home?

Not really, sir. The cinema is full of Drama and Romance,

whereas the television produces a diet of drivel

and cookery programmes.

Is it possible to sample some drivel and cookery programmes?

Certainly, sir.

I'll turn the television on to receive the one channel using this knob here.

Goodness me how complicated - I shall never get my head around that.

Oh, don't worry, sir, your children will soon get the hang of it.

Here comes the drivel now.

'The Apprentice!'

Are you my eldest son?

Yes, Lord Sir Alan, Father.

You are hired as my apprentice.

And in a year you shall have the company.

Thank you.

Are you my daughter?

I'm afraid so, Lord Sir Alan Sugar Daddy.

-You're fired.

-Of course. I quite understand.

Go home and do some knitting.

Humphreygella Bites

Boil the cabbage for two hours. Boil the carrots for two hours.

Boil the potatoes for two hours.

Now it's time to prepare your meat.

-Boil the meat for two hours.

-TIMER PINGS

There. Perfect for your husband and his friends.

What splendid drivel and cookery programmes. I'll buy it!

Congratulations, sir. Your life will be immeasurably improved.

Now tell me, how are you feeling?

I am somewhat afeared, your honour.

Yes, of course. There's no reason to feel afeared.

Sheridan here holds the record time for chopping legs off.

18 and a half seconds!

You won't feel a thing, pain aside.

Nurse - more gin, please.

And for me, please.

Thank you.

Now!

Pay attention students of anatomy my hands are rather cold,

I do apologise Trois, deux, un.

Argh!

Now Charles, are you playing golf with the Duke of Wellington tomorrow?

-Oh yes.

-Owwwww!

And is he a member of the St Andrew's Society of Golfers as well?

No, he's coming as my guest.

Argh!

You must ask him to pop round here sometime

because I've just taken delivery of a wonderful new hammer and chisel

-and I might be able to do something about that nobble on his nose.

-Owwwww!

Well, you could ask him yourself if you'd care to join us.

I can't, I'm afraid.

I'm popping down to Bristol with my godson on an anti-slavery march.

Oh, that does sound fun!

There. Got the blighter!

Arrrrrrgh!

Enjoy that, Fido.

Right, all I've got to do now is file down some of these gristly

nibbly nobbly bits and you'll be right as rain.

Owwwww!

Now, Charles, did you see in the London Times that this fellow

Stephenson has invented a steam horse?

Yes, whatever will they think of next?

Anaesthetic!

Ha, ha! Oh! Very good indeed.

All that remains is for me to cauterise your stump...

Pop that back in, shall we?

..with this lovely poker.

Argh! Argh!

-That's me pretty well done. He's all yours.

-Right. Thank you. Would you care for a haircut?

We are the Society of Barbers AND Surgeons.

Argh!

I'll take that as a yes, shall I?

Any questions?

Yes. How do you perform a short back and sides?

Watch and learn, young man.

-Ow!

-I'm so sorry, did I pull your hair?

The Arsenal done well last week didn't they, sir?

They produced a remarkable number of muskets for the war against France.

He-hoo-ha!

Anything for the weekend, sir?

And next, our third contender, please.

And your name is?

Ken Barnet from Brian Farnet.

-Your occupation?

-Inventor.

And your chosen subject?

The works of JK Rowling.

You have two minutes starting now! The second in the series of

Harry Potter books is called Harry Potter And The Chamber Of what?

Harry Potter And The Chamber Of...

Pass.

At the beginning of Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone,

Professor McGonnegal is to be found outside the Dursley's house

disguised in the form of what animal?

Pass.

What is the name of the sport played at Hogwarts involving

riding on broomsticks in an attempt to strike a golden snitch?

Pass.

The Hogwarts Express leaves

Kings Cross Station from Platform number what?

Pass.

Harry Potter has a ginger-haired friend with the surname Weazley,

what is his first name?

-Pass.

-What is the first name of Professor Dumbledore?

-Albert.

-No Albus - in Harry Potter and the...

-BEEP

-I've started so I'll finish.

In Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, Harry, Ron,

and Hermione flee into London and to 12 Grimauld Place, where they

learn from Kreacher the whereabouts of Salazar Slytherin's locket.

They successfully recover this Horcrux by infiltrating

the Ministry of Magic and stealing it from Dolores Umbridge.

Under the object's evil influence and the stress of being on the run,

Ron leaves the others.

Harry and Hermione travel to Godric's Hollow,

Harry's birthplace and the place where his parents died.

What is the name of the elderly magical historian they meet there?

Pass.

And at the end of that round, Ken Barnet, you have 24 passes

and no points.

And next our final contender, please.

APPLAUSE

And your name is?

Brian Farnet from Frian Barnet.

Your occupation?

Entrepreneur.

And your chosen subject?

Pass.

Well, I think you've got a very good point there, Padraig.

Now, fill me in on your family. Your daughter by your current wife?

Siobhan, she's a very hard-working little thing not as bright as the others...

Cheltenham Ladies College and she's been accepted at Magdalen College, Oxford.

Magdalen College, Oxford? How wonderful.

And your daughter by your last marriage?

Very well...

-Harpers and Queen...

-HE GIBBERS

And she's the new Face of L'Oreal, because she's worth it.

Goodness me, L'Oreal. She certainly is worth it, yes.

And your daughters from your first marriage?

-Oh, well...

-HE CONTINUES TO GIBBER

Senior Prosecutor at The Hague. The other one, Mary, she's a very...

The Taoiseach of the Dail.

The next Taoiseach of the Dail.

They're a high achieving lot, your O'Herlighy girls, aren't they?

-HE GIBBERS

-How are your girls?

Very well. Annabel's just had her third child with her husband, Hamish,

who runs something called funkywalrus.com.

Don't ask me what it is, selling brightly-coloured

bedspreads on the world wide web, or something.

And Lucy's just married her rugby player,

and Tara's just got engaged to a funny little fat fellow from

Knight Frank Battersea nothing goes in, but he's very good value.

Well, the way I look at it is, they're very, very, lucky...

Very lucky, yes, yes. Now do you fancy a wank?

Ah, well, I was talking to... One off the wrist.

Well, a wank was the tip on Radio 4 this morning but...

HE GIBBERS INCOMPREHENSIBLY

John Humphrys is an uppity little fellow.

Pompous little git.

We're closed.

Soon the Duke of this large town will say, "Build me a bell tower!"

so the people can hear well when it is time for the shops to close!

And he will say to you, "You are the pale man with the oily skin.

"Bring me a big bronze bell for the tower."

So you will bring the bell, but there's been a silly mistake.

Your bell is too soft.

"He has brought us soft bells Too soft,

"we can't hear them."

The Duke is depressed. He says, "This man

"brought us the soft bells, take a picture of this man and print it

"in the newspaper, you stupid man with no idea of bells, I curse you!"

And anyway, Maude Hopkins 'as got a coloured family moved in next door to her!

She says they're all right if you talk to 'em one to one, but

they're very noisy and their cookin' smells funny and she don't like 'em.

Well, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway 'Arry Belafonte an'

Sammy Davis Junior, they're coloured an' they sing beautiful so they can't all be bad, can they?

And anyway, I ain't sayin' nothin' 'bout the coloureds, I ain't colour prejudiced.

Are you going down the Tottenham Royal Saturday?

I'm walking out with Terry Buckle. He does boxing.

Terry Buckle. Well, I heard he started a fight with a chap what had a wooden

leg at his Christmas do. You want to watch him.

Yeah, that was self defence. That bloke swung at Terry with his wooden leg.

And anyway, anyway, on that television advertisement

they say you're never alone wiv a Strand?

Well, that's a lie, isn't it?

Betsy Drummond who works in the Odeon opposite the Locarno

said she saw you waiting for that Terry Buckle for an hour and he never showed up.

And you smoked twenty fags in a row and then ran 'orf crying.

How tragic! She said yer pink cardy looked nice.

Well, anyway, I actually 'ad somethin' in me

eye as a matter of fact.

And anyway, your brother was taunting

old Mrs Sallow as she come out the chiropodists.

Threw a conker at her he did.

Then he put a banger through 'er letterbox.

He's tuppence short of ten bob, he is.

Gave 'im a piece of my mind, I did.

He looked at me like this, he did. Gormless he is.

I like that new green cardy. Shame it don't fit you properly.

Well, anyway, anyway, ain't my brother's fault he's two bob short of a pound -

he got hit by a doodlebug when he was a babby.

And anyway, you used to show 'im your knickers at the old

pillar box on the common, so there.

And at the end of your general knowledge round, Ken Barnet, you have 19 passes and no points.

The name of the Cornish church in which former

Poet Laureate John Betjeman is buried is...

BOTH: St Enedoc.

The US state that has a capital called Pierre is...

BOTH: South Dakota.

The name of the device capable of storing electricity, consisting

of conducting plates separated by a layer of insulating material is...

BOTH: A capacitor.

People suffering from trichotillomania have an impulse to...

BOTH: Pull out their own hair.

The chemical compound H2O is more commonly known as...

BOTH: Water.

The red, amber and green lights found at road junctions

and used to control the flow of vehicles are known as...

BOTH: Traffic lights.

The red double-decker mode of public transport is know as...

BOTH: A bus.

And finally, the number that comes after six and before eight is of course...

BOTH: Seven.

You may return to your seat.

Have you heard of Angela Merkel?

-Yes.

-Is he a quare?

Well, he looks like a quare, doesn't he?

Oh, he looks like a quare.

And he sounds like a quare on the wireless.

Oh, he sounds like a quare.

If he looks like a quare and sounds like a quare, I should think he's a quare.

Yes, if he looks like a quare and sounds like a quare, he's probably a quare.

-Probably a quare.

-Probably a quare.

-Probably a quare.

If it's possible to sound like a quare on the wireless,

when one's speaking German.

Oh, that's a very good point. Bunny?!

Hmm?

You're a quare, aren't you, Bunny?

Well, I'm on Grindr.

-Does that mean you're a quare, Bunny?

-Oh, yes.

Bunny is a quare, so he might know.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Bunny, is it possible to sound like a frightful quare on the wireless?

-Oh, yes.

-Let me finish PLEASE, Bunny!

I'm sorry.

Is it possible to sound like a frightful quare on the wireless?

Oh, yes.

THERE YOU GO AGAIN. PLEASE, YOU WON'T LET ME FINISH!

I can't get anywhere with Bunny today. Stupid old quare.

Bunny kept butting in cos he's a stupid old quare.

He's a stupid old quare. Stupid old quare! You stupid old quare!

We'll just have to leave Bunny out of this one, the stupid old quare.

Merkel's married of course.

-Is she very pretty, his wife?

-Certainly not, she's a man.

-He looks like a frightful quare.

-He does look like a quare.

So this Angela Merkel fellow - he wears a dress like a quare,

he sounds like a quare on the wireless like a quare,

and he's married to a quare like a quare.

I should think he's probably a quare.

Probably a German quare.

Probably a German quare.

Now, from the 1940/'50s

Movie Originals presents... The Hangover.

What the...?

How the...?

We almost polished off a whole bottle of wine.

Just the three of us.

Good morning. I'm Mr Boot the chemist.

Here are the photographs I've developed from the negatives

you gave me rather late last night when you were slightly squiffy.

But I don't remember

-ECHOING:

-Slightly squiffy...

-I don't remember. ECHOING:

-Slightly squiffy.

Oh, no!

I appear to be in the process of knocking over a vase!

And look, there's a chip on the lip.

And I've fallen over in a puddle. My knee's all muddy.

And I'm saying hello to a Chinaman.

Marigold loves vases -

if she learns I've chipped one she'll never marry me.

Marigold detests Chinamen.

If she finds out I've said hello to one,

she'll never let me be best man.

And my knee's far too muddy to go to a wedding.

And the wedding is in one hour's time!

CLOCK CHIMES

Just enough time for me to dry and wipe my trousers.

And me to mend this vase with Araldite.

And me to destroy the evidence that I ever said hello to a Chinaman.

Phew!

And now Marigold will never know anything happened at all.

And we've still ten minutes to get to the church.

Come on.

THEY ALL CHUCKLE

Oh, who's that?

A dead Chinaman.

Take a look at the lines on this face.

They say "Don't mess with this face cos this is the face of a cop

"and this face is attached to the head of a cop,

"a head made of i-ron, the i-ron they make cops out of from".

Give me a Jack and ice.

You a cop?

What do I look like? A nun?

Sure, I'm a cop. You a cop?

What do I look like? A nurse? Sure, I'm a cop.

The moment you walked in here I thought, "He's a cop.

"He walks like a cop, he sits like a cop, he drinks like a cop.

"He's a cop."

I knew you was a cop - you talk like a cop,

you look like a cop, you drink like a cop.

It ain't easy being a cop.

We ain't cops cos it's easy.

If we wanted it easy we wouldn't be cops.

DOOR SLAMMING

Hey! Did your leg catch a bullet?

Gimme a Jack and ice

Are you a cop?

Do I look like a cop? I'm a surgeon.

And no I did not catch a bullet, I have an arterial embolism,

which caused some of my leg tissue to wither and die.

Where have you idiots been these last eight years?

Also, confusingly, I'm an Old Etonian -

jolly hockey sticks, you have Cancer.

What did he say?

I think he said he wants to be a cop.

# And his black and white cat-aweyo

# Forget to feed the meter

# Pataweyo's eager

# To pop a ticket on your car and get you towed away-o. #

It's a lovely morning, isn't it? Look at this nice car.

It's legally parked, but only until 8.30.

It must be nearly 8.30 now.

I wonder if there are any parking wardens around?

Yes! There are four!

Good morning, Parking Pataweyo!

Good morning, Lovely Rita-vitch, Meter-vitch Maid.

Top o'the morning to you, Parking Pat-Eddery.

Good morning, Parking Patel.

Look at you all circling the car like vultures.

What time is it now?

Oh, only 8.29?

Let's hope the owner doesn't turn up.

Oh, no!

Here he comes now - he's JUST in time to move his car.

"It's only 8.29 and you can't give me a ticket."

Look at sneaky old Parking Pataweyo.

And your friends are keeping Salesman Steve distracted

by pretending to punch out tickets

while refusing to acknowledge anything he says.

"You're not acknowledging anything I say!"

8.30 precisely.

"Oh, dear, it's 8.30

"and I've incurred a well-deserved penalty notice."

What a wonderful start to the day.

Everybody loves Parking Pataweyo and his friends.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Did you see the football last night?

Tremendous game, was it not?

Oh, yes, er, Motherwell against Dundee United.

Oh, for goodness sake, Geoff, whilst all reasonable minded people

would acknowledge that Scottish football is much, much better

than English football, there's no need to be patronising and racist.

I refer of course to the match between Manchester United

and Newcastle United, last night, on television -

invented by a Scotsman, John Logie Baird.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Did you happen to notice who came up with the tactics

for the winning team and where they hail from?

Sir Alex Ferguson and he's a Scotsman.

A Scotsman, exactly...

a Scotsman, precisely...

a Scotsman, aye...

a Scotsman, mmm, a Scotsman, ah-ha!

I reckon the England squad could probably do with a Scottish manager!

If you continue to be patronising and racist,

I shall take my custom elsewhere.

Dinnae worry about him, pal. We're not all like that.

I take a sideways look at life.

I dinnae even like football.

Imagine if we dinnae have a ball, what would they call it then?

Foot? How spooky is that?

And anyway Major Crabtree's asked me round 'is 'ouse Saturday, personal,

to 'elp 'im with his ledgers and so forth.

So I might be late for bingo.

Well, that's not all you'll be late for if you go round there,

if you'll pardon my mentionin'.

Pamela Wells went round to 'elp 'im with 'is ledgers',

now she's shellin' peas in a convent

so you eat plenty of onions before you go round. 'E's a beast!

-Yeah, well, anyway.

-Yeah, well, anyway.

-Well, anyway.

-Anyway.

And anyway, I saw a gypsy woman lurkin' outside Bradshaw's this morning.

Couldn't see no caravans, mind, but I wasn't going in for no colic.

Well, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway that Mr Bradshaw,

he's always got gypsy women lurking around,

ever since his wife ran off with that short chap.

Used to collect the pop bottles.

Yeah, and anyway, what you givin' up for lent?

I'm giving up Carnation milk. Wot you givin up? Sailors?

-Chance'd be a fine thing! Ta-da.

-Ta-da.

Next up, it's Ken and Brian, from Brian Farnet,

with their novel solution to a modern storage problem.

Hello, Dragons.

How often do you come back from the shops with loads of plastic bags?

They get stuffed into a cupboard, they're messy and unsightful,

and the next time you go shopping, you come back with even more!

We present the BAG Bag.

The Bag Bag is a powerful and planet-friendly innovation

in bag storage technology.

It tucks in-ox-spicuously into a back pocket,

but when required the Bag Bag automatically expands

and can accommodate up to 20 plastic bags

for an astonishing period of 75 days.

What happens to the Bag Bag after 75 days?

The Bag Bag bio-degrades harmlessly and odiously,

with no impact on the environment whatsoever.

The Dragons are environmentally excited.

This is a genuine, totally biodegradable plastic bag?

Yes. For storing supermarket plastic bags.

I think the point is that you two idiots

appear to have come up with a solution

to the international supermarket plastic bag problem.

This is an eco-testicul invention of a lovely, happy-clappy,

planet friendly, hello peoples, plastic bag.

Yeah, if I can be allowed to finish...

Despite the Dragons' enormous enthusiasm,

Brian insists on droning on about keeping bags in the Bag Bag.

Shut up, you tit!

Or a whole year's supply, the 24 box of bag of three Bag Bag Bag's Box.

Put your socks in it.

Don't you realise we could shift billions of these things everyday

at the supermarkets as a degradable bag.

If I can be ALLOWED to finish...

-Shut up!

-..we anticipate selling the Bag Bag at a price of...

-Shut up!

-..49 pence per unit...

Brian doesn't seem to realise what's actually good about their invention,

but Ken has clicked.

No, shut it, Ken! Shut it. I'm not interested in them.

I resign with great reluctance from our professional company!

Brian has flounced out,

leaving Ken in sole ownership of the best idea

anyone has ever had on Dragons' Den.

Ken, the Dragons gave you £80 million

for one per cent of your company.

How are you going to celebrate?

I'm going to buy a new Vauxhall Zafira.

Well, if you fancy taking me out in it one evening...?

All right.

PHONE RINGING

Simpkins Motors.

I'd like to buy a second-hand car.

Do you have a second-hand car for sale?

-Yes, I do.

-Is it in good working order?

Like new - would you care to come and inspect it?

Oh, that won't be necessary,

I'm sure you're an honest man, aren't you?

Of course, and I rather resent you even asking the question.

I do apologise.

-Now, do you have a driver's licence?

-Certainly not.

It's a voluntary thing introduced by the government -

unnecessary really - unless you're a woman that is!

-Heavens no!

-'Good.'

-Have you driven a car before?

-I've been on a tram once.

Same gist, really, except you sit at the front

and you shouldn't read your book.

Well, I'm sure I'll get the hang of it.

How much is this second-hand car, if it's not too vulgar a question?

It is too vulgar a question. Ten pounds.

That's a bit steep.

Five pounds.

I'll take it. Will you deliver it to my home?

'Of course. We're based in Bournemouth, where are you?'

The Hebrides.

We'll have it with you this afternoon.

Would you like me to pay in advance?

No, no, you can pay whenever the fancy takes you.

I'm sure you're an honest fellow, aren't you?

Of course, and I rather resent you even asking the question. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Have you heard of Harry Enfield?

-Yes.

-Is he a quare?

No, I...don't think he is a quare.

Well, he looks like a quare...

..and he sounds like a quare, and he's on television.

Oh, well, then, if he looks like a quare, sounds like a quare

and he's on television, like a quare, then I should think yes...

No, I don't think he is a quare. No.

Have you heard of Paul Whitehouse?

No.

-Is he a quare?

-Yes.

# Hurrah for Harry and Paul

# Your comedy is challenging and bold

# You're both incredibly handsome and tall

# You're not even beginning to look bald

# We strive to increase production

# Of flatscreen televisions

# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd