Episode 6 Harry & Paul
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Transcript
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|---|---|---|---|
This programme contains strong language and adult humour. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:05 | |
# Hurrah for Harry and Paul Your comedy is challenging and bold | 0:00:05 | 0:00:09 | |
# You're both incredibly handsome and tall | 0:00:09 | 0:00:14 | |
# You're not even beginning to look old | 0:00:14 | 0:00:17 | |
# We strive to increase production of flat-screen televisions | 0:00:17 | 0:00:22 | |
# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions | 0:00:22 | 0:00:25 | |
# We're pleased to let you bed our wives, whenever your fancy beckons | 0:00:25 | 0:00:29 | |
# We'll fight with all of our might | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
# For your right to develop nuclear weapons | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
# Hurrah for Harry and Paul. # | 0:00:33 | 0:00:37 | |
-VOICEOVER: -Next came Ken and Brian, from Brian Farnet, | 0:00:37 | 0:00:42 | |
with their unique take on a great British treat. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:45 | |
What would the Dragons make of this? | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
I'm Brian. This is my co-director, Ken. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:52 | |
Hello. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:53 | |
We're looking for an investment of £100,000 for a 250% stake | 0:00:53 | 0:00:58 | |
in our revolutionary new pudding supplement. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:02 | |
Dragons, welcome to our revolutionary new pudding supplement, | 0:01:02 | 0:01:07 | |
I Can't Believe It's Not Custard. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:10 | |
We all... | 0:01:14 | 0:01:15 | |
We all, um, know custard. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
We all like custard. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
We all have custard on our apple pies, | 0:01:28 | 0:01:32 | |
each and every single British day. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
I don't. I don't like custard. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
-Yeah, well, you're not really British are you? -What do you mean by that? | 0:01:37 | 0:01:40 | |
Well, look... | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
You're Sc... | 0:01:43 | 0:01:44 | |
Well, anyway, that doesn't really matter, | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
cos now there's I Can't Believe It's Not Custard, | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
which isn't custard, | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
but it looks like custard and it tastes like custard. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:58 | |
Here's an idea. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:00 | |
Why not all try the superb taste of I Can't Believe It's Not Custard? | 0:02:00 | 0:02:05 | |
-No. -No. -No. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:09 | |
I really like you and I'm really nice, but, no. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
-VOICEOVER: -It's all down to Grumpy Woman. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
Will she put her money where her down-turned mouth is | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
and invest in I Can't Believe It's Not Custard? | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
SHE GARGLES | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
Dragons didn't really go for your ludicrous custard substitute, | 0:02:27 | 0:02:32 | |
and then the Grumpy Woman gave you such a ferocious stare | 0:02:32 | 0:02:36 | |
that she, literally, petrified you. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
Has it been a good experience? | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
DOG BARKS | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
Shut it! Shut up! | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
All right, mate? You sell lotto tickets? | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
Shut it! Dean! Will you shut up?! | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
-Er, no. -You what, mate? -We don't sell lotto tickets. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
What's your problem, mate? | 0:03:04 | 0:03:05 | |
We don't sell lotto tickets here. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
Shut up! Shut it! Shut it! | 0:03:07 | 0:03:08 | |
-How come you don't sell lotto tickets? -Because this is a library. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
-I'll have a scratchcard, then. -We don't sell scratchcards, either. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:15 | |
-I want some crisps! -You'll get a clump if you ain't careful! -I want some crisps! | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
-Will you shut up?! -Stick that in your gob and shut your face! | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
-Shut it! -Sorry about my boy, he's mental. -Look, I'm sorry... | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
-Give us a scratchcard and a packet of crisps. -It's no-smoking in here. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:27 | |
-You what, mate? -It's no-smoking in here. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
-Dean... -Shut it! -Dean... -Will you shut up?! | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
Dean! Shut up! Shut it! | 0:03:31 | 0:03:33 | |
Will you shut it?! Shut up! Shut it! Will you shut up?! Here Dean... | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
-What? -Will you shut it! Dean... -What? | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
-Shut it! Dean. -Yeah? -Shut it! Give us a fag. -Eh? | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
-Give us a fag. -No, it's no-smoking in here. You got an ashtray? -No, to smoke, you have to go outside. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:45 | |
-All right, mate. See you later. -Shut it! -Do you want to buy some gear? | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
-No thank you. -Sure, mate? -No. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:49 | |
All right. Be lucky, see ya. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
You shut up! | 0:03:51 | 0:03:52 | |
-Dean, look - they've got kiddie porn in here. -Are you a paedophile, mate? | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
-Are you a paedo, mate? -No! -Ill kick your face in! -Are you a paedophile, mate?! | 0:03:55 | 0:03:59 | |
-We don't like paedophiles, mate. -You're a paedo, ain't you? | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
-No! -All right, see you later, be lucky. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
-He ain't a paedo, he's all right. -He's only being friendly, mate. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
-Shut up! -I wanted a packet of crisps! -Do you want some gear, mate? | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
-Shut up, Ghost Face! Ghost Face! -I wanted some crisps! | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
-Oi, can't you read the sign? It says "shut the fuck up!" -Shut it! | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
VOICEOVER: Canal Cinq. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
-Oh salut, Bing. -Salut, Jonny. Voila! | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
Tu as une selection de stylos? | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
C'est le blue. C'est le rouge. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:30 | |
C'est le jaune, c'est le vert, c'est moi! | 0:04:30 | 0:04:32 | |
# Dang-da-lang-lag Bing-bang-bong... # | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
C'est comme les anglais disent - "several pens." | 0:04:35 | 0:04:37 | |
Ah, c'est comme de la Citron Several Pens. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:41 | |
-VOICEOVER: -Citron Several Pens. Edition speciale. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
Several Pens! | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
C'est avec sat-nav et motif "Several Pens." | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
Oh yeah, so cool. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:51 | |
Beep, beep, beep. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:52 | |
-VOICEOVER: -Citron Several Pens, Edition Speciale incredible sexy. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
Citron "Several Pens." | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
MUSIC: "Man Next Door" by John Holt | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
# There's a man that lives next-door in my neighbourhood... # | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
Hello. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:03 | |
Oh, I like this chair. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
I am reading a book. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
Oh, sorry. I just wondered how much it cost. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
Perhaps, is Marcus ...? | 0:05:18 | 0:05:19 | |
What is the matter with you? Are you stupid? | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
Oh, gosh! Right. Um ... | 0:05:22 | 0:05:24 | |
I am reading a book. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
Can I just, very quickly, buy it? | 0:05:27 | 0:05:28 | |
It is sold, you idiot! | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
Well, um, thank you for your help. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:34 | |
Marcus! | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
Oh, hi, Listeria. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
-How are you? -Good, how are you? | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
Really, really good, mwah. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:42 | |
-Have you met Giselle? -Er, yah. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
She's my new assistant. She's French. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
She's even ruder than me. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:48 | |
Amazing. Yah. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:50 | |
I was just wondering about buying this chair for my bathroom, | 0:05:50 | 0:05:53 | |
-but apparently it's... -Yeah, sold, yeah. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
But if you want an old chair, that one's for sale. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
-Not sure. -It's only £5,000. I can't twist your arm? | 0:05:57 | 0:06:01 | |
Not really. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:02 | |
Oh, well. Maybe Giselle can. Giselle? | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
SHE HUFFS | 0:06:05 | 0:06:06 | |
You want to buy this chair, yes? | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
-Um, no, I don't think I do. -Well, what is the matter with you? | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
This is a Robin Day chair from the 1960s original. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
Are you too stupid to know this? | 0:06:15 | 0:06:16 | |
Um, well, no. Of course, I know that. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
It's just it's a bit too big for my bathroom. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
No, it is not. It is not too big for any room, you stupid idiot woman. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:24 | |
You want your husband to think you are not sophisticated by not | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
buying the chair? | 0:06:27 | 0:06:28 | |
You want him to think you are a hopeless cretin? | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
Because then, I think he must sleep with his secretary, | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
because she is more intelligent than you, yes? | 0:06:33 | 0:06:35 | |
-It is good that he leave you, because you are not worth him, with your lack of taste! -Gosh, um... | 0:06:35 | 0:06:40 | |
Then you will go and cry to your friends and they will go, | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
"Pfft! You are too stupid to know about the chair. "You do not deserve a husband." | 0:06:42 | 0:06:46 | |
No, no, of course, I'll, I'll buy it. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:48 | |
You think you can just buy the chair? | 0:06:48 | 0:06:50 | |
You disturb my reading and you think you can just buy the chair? | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
You must apologise to me! | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
I'm so, so sorry. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
And now you must beg. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:58 | |
Please, please let me buy the chair. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
£10,000. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:04 | |
Oh, right. Um, I thought you said 5,000. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:08 | |
OK, I am going to ring your husband and he is ravaging his secretary. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:11 | |
No, no, no, no, no, it's fine. 10,000. Here's my card. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:14 | |
She's a real "see-you-next-Tuesday," isn't she? | 0:07:15 | 0:07:19 | |
I adore her. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:20 | |
Yeah, me, too. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
I'll come and pick it up | 0:07:22 | 0:07:23 | |
when the builders have widened my bathroom door. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:26 | |
Oh, well, tell them to make it snappy. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
I hate sold goods hanging around. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
-Sorry. -OK. -Thank you, bye. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
Bye. Bye. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
-VOICEOVER: -And now, from the 1930s, the original When Harry Met Sally. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:39 | |
Oh, darling, I'm so happy to be your fiancee. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
Oh, darling, soon we'll be able to spend our whole lives together, | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
as a proper married couple. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
Even... | 0:07:51 | 0:07:52 | |
-Even what, darling? -You know. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
No. What are you talking about, you silly little thing? | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
I'm sure you do know, darling. | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
I know what happens in marriage. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
Yes, well, never mind about that. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:04 | |
That's one of the more distasteful things about marriage. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
Yes, it happens, but there's no reason to talk about it. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
What if I should have a "hm-hm"? | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
-A what darling? -You know. A "hm-hm". | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
I should be frightfully embarrassed. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
Don't be ridiculous, darling, there's no such thing as a female "hm-hm". | 0:08:19 | 0:08:23 | |
Oh, but there is, darling. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
Don't ask me how I know, but I do. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
Wait here! | 0:08:30 | 0:08:31 | |
Ah, Doctor, it's my fiancee, I think she might be sick or something. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:36 | |
Could you come immediately? Thank you. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
We're in Luigi's Foreign Food Trattoria in the High Street. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
Goodbye. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:42 | |
Now, Dr Little, have a seat. Have a drink, you'll need one. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
What seems to be the trouble? | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
Well, my fiancee here seems to think the female "hm-hm" is a reality. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:59 | |
That's just hearsay and dangerous twaddle. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
No, the female "hm-hm" is a myth. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
No, it is not. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
It does exist, and what's more, I could recreate it, here and now. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
-What the...? -No! | 0:09:09 | 0:09:12 | |
Hm-hm. | 0:09:13 | 0:09:14 | |
CROCKERY SMASHES | 0:09:14 | 0:09:17 | |
I'm afraid your fiancee is quite mental. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:21 | |
I shall have her transferred immediately to a mental home. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:25 | |
Well, thanks, Doc. You saved me from a lifetime with that mental woman. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:30 | |
Indeed, you're a very lucky fellow. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:32 | |
Living with that mental woman would have been an absolute heel. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
Hm-hm. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
CROCKERY SMASHES | 0:09:39 | 0:09:40 | |
I'll have what she's having. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:43 | |
VOICEOVER: Next up came two lively chaps with their take on a great British treat. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:49 | |
What would the Dragons make of this? | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
# But it taste like custard taste. # | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
Greetin', Dragon. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:57 | |
I and I are Ken and Brian. | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
Brian the Lion! | 0:09:59 | 0:10:00 | |
He don't come from Zion. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
'I'm hail from Farnet, Brian. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
Dragon, we presentin' to you Me Kyan Believe It Nat Custard. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:11 | |
It nat custard, but Jah know it taste a likkle bit like it. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:15 | |
I'm charmed already, let me have a wee taste. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
# What dat ting in nat custard? | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
# It not custard like custard... # | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
Hm, gorgeous. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:22 | |
# Jah say it nat custard # But it taste like custard taste | 0:10:22 | 0:10:27 | |
# Shabba, Shabba! | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
# It nat ee custard. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:30 | |
# Ray up your custard! # | 0:10:30 | 0:10:32 | |
All the Dragons have tasted "Me Kyan Believe It Not Custard," | 0:10:32 | 0:10:35 | |
But will they invest? | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
I really like your crap product. And I'll give you money. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:41 | |
I love you because I'm not racist, and I will give you more money. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:46 | |
I care about you | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
and your traditions more than this bunch of horrible Herberts. | 0:10:48 | 0:10:51 | |
So I'm in it, innit? | 0:10:51 | 0:10:52 | |
I'm even less racist than all them. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
So I'll give you as much money as you want for no stake at all. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
VOICEOVER: Ken and Brian are thrilled and pitching other products. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:01 | |
# Dreadlock deadlock. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
# Babylon Savylon. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:06 | |
The Bob Marley Davidson! | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
VOICEOVER: All the Dragons have invested, except James. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
I really like you and I'm really nice... | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
But I do have one question for you. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
Are you really black? | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
VOICEOVER: Ken and Brian certainly hadn't anticipated this question. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:28 | |
The Dragons decided your pitch was only skin-deep. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:35 | |
Any plans for the future? | 0:11:35 | 0:11:36 | |
I've decided to retire from the partnership. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
But Brian has a few plans up his sleeve. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
Me Um No-Believe It Not Um Custard. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:47 | |
Hmm. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
-Did you see that Shelly down The Lamb on Friday? -Oh-ho, hey what? | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
She didn't leave much to the imagination, did she? | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
What I'd do with that. | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
That has got one fine set of top bollocks, isn't it? | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
I definitely would. How about you Danny? | 0:12:02 | 0:12:06 | |
What? | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
-Oh yeah. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
Yeah, she's really graceful, isn't she? | 0:12:10 | 0:12:11 | |
Got a...nice arse. Lovely. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
-Yeah. -Yeah. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:18 | |
Oh aye, where are you off to? Knock one out? THEY LAUGH | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
No, get a signal. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
Hey Bob, you see that thing on? | 0:12:26 | 0:12:30 | |
What thing? | 0:12:30 | 0:12:31 | |
Last night at that hall. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:32 | |
Royal Festival Hall, or somewhere or other. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
-What, the Royal what? -Well, I dunno, do I? | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
With that... Barenboim bloke, or something, some old bollocks. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:42 | |
Nah. HE SNIFFS | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
-No. -Nah. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:45 | |
Yeah. Yeah, I did. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:49 | |
What? | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
I seen it, the Beethoven and Schoenberg concert. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:54 | |
You went to see it? | 0:12:54 | 0:12:55 | |
Yeah. I've seen all four in the series. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
-So did I! They're fantastic, ain't they? -Oh, man! | 0:12:58 | 0:13:00 | |
I don't what it is, he's just with | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
the Schoenberg pieces, he just fills them with light, | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
he really illuminates them. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
And the Beethoven concertos - they were just, they were just... | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
-Electrical! -Electrical! | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
Amazing. It was just... Well, amazing. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:15 | |
CLEARS THROAT | 0:13:16 | 0:13:17 | |
What was amazing? | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
Oh, the Barenboim, concerts. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:20 | |
The what? | 0:13:20 | 0:13:21 | |
Yeah, what? | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
At the Royal Festival Hall. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
What, the Festival what?! | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
What are you talking about, Danny? | 0:13:28 | 0:13:31 | |
I dunno. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
-Tits. -Oh! -Shelly's tits. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:45 | |
Phwoar. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
Get in! | 0:13:47 | 0:13:48 | |
VOICEOVER: And now on Dave, we go back to the 1970's, with Dr Who, the ITV years. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:55 | |
Oh, knickers! Work why, don't you?! | 0:14:07 | 0:14:09 | |
Call yourself a Tardis? You're more of a flaming "retardis"! | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
Go easy, you'll send us a billion light years away. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:16 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
That's what I'm trying to do! | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
I want to get as far away as possible from her! | 0:14:20 | 0:14:23 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:14:23 | 0:14:24 | |
Cor, dear! | 0:14:29 | 0:14:30 | |
Your Olive, I tell you, she's more frightening than the Daleks. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:33 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
'Ere, where are we going then? | 0:14:35 | 0:14:36 | |
To the planet Ravin' Nympho, where all the birds love nookie! | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
Phwoar! | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
That gave me the collywobbles. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
Right, slap and tickle, here I come. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
Blimey, what a dump! | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
-It's a gay day. -What a gay day. -Where's me handbag? -What a gay day. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:04 | |
Oh! | 0:15:04 | 0:15:05 | |
This ain't the planet Ravin' Nympho. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
You've brought us to the planet Woooly Wooftah! | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
-What a gay day. -What a gay day. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
-Get out of it. -What a gay day! | 0:15:11 | 0:15:13 | |
VOICEOVER: It's 6.59 and Arsenal's Georgie Charles is about to wake up happy. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:22 | |
That's because he's got a Fugsmade! | 0:15:26 | 0:15:30 | |
Mm. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:31 | |
VOICEOVER: Yes, the new Fugsmade from Bronco. Look bright, you're alight. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:35 | |
Morning, darling. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:36 | |
VOICEOVER: And she likes it, too. Fugsmade, the footballer's choice. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:40 | |
Only 2.99 from Bronco. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
I'm Rodney Bowles, Man City's finest. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
Tonight, I'm playing darts with my good mate, Vidal Sassoon. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:53 | |
Looks like I'm going to get my leg over tonight. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
HE LAUGHS AND SHE GIGGLES | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
VOICEOVER: But it's not just the smell of success the birds love, | 0:15:58 | 0:16:01 | |
it's the smell of booze. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
Brute for men. Birds love it. | 0:16:05 | 0:16:07 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
-Come on, Stan, let's scarper. -Yeah, good idea. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
'Ere, hold on, them woolly wooftas have captured your arch enemy, | 0:16:13 | 0:16:17 | |
The Master. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:18 | |
I hate you, Doctor! | 0:16:18 | 0:16:21 | |
-Naughty! -I'll thank you not to do that very much. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:16:24 | 0:16:25 | |
Cor! | 0:16:28 | 0:16:29 | |
Cor! Get a load of that. | 0:16:29 | 0:16:30 | |
ALL: We are Eartha-lings. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
I'm not surprised, you've got three "Eartha Kitts". | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:16:35 | 0:16:36 | |
-Opportunity Knockers! -Phwoar! | 0:16:38 | 0:16:41 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
Not with you two. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:44 | |
Oh, we, love you, as well. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
I beg your pardon? | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
Watch out, love, that's my sonic screwdriver! | 0:16:49 | 0:16:51 | |
Hello, darling. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
THEY SNORE | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
It was an absolutely heavenly wedding. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
I do so wish we'd been able to go. I'd love to have seen everyone. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
I can't believe that Geoffrey and Laura Wrigglesworth were there. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:10 | |
And looking so well. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
-You know I shared digs with Laura after the war? -Oh, yes, of course you did. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:16 | |
-Yes, and she was a very attractive girl. -Very attractive girl. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:18 | |
Oh very, very, very, very, very attractive girl. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:21 | |
Such an attractive girl. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:22 | |
A very, very attractive girl and frightfully clever. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:25 | |
The only girl in the War Office who could bash | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
Johnny Ball at chess, and you know how brilliant he was. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
Wasn't she at Bletchley for a while? | 0:17:29 | 0:17:31 | |
Yes, that's right, she shared a room with Penny Keble Black. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:34 | |
Penny Keble Black - there was another very attractive girl. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
-A very attractive girl. -Such an attractive girl. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
She was a very, very, very, very attractive girl. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
Her granddaughter was at the wedding, you know. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
Yes, she's just come down from Cambridge with a double first. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
Oh, she's the brains of her grandmother. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
And the looks. She's a very attractive girl. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
Is she a very, very attractive girl? | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
-Such an attractive girl. -Very, very, very, very, attractive girl. -Very attractive girl. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:56 | |
-Now darling, darling, darling... -Yes, yes? | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
-Are you coming to Peter Jones' with me? -Oh, yes, yes. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:01 | |
Or perhaps you'd rather stay here and meet me at the National later? | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
-Oh, yes. -I think you'd better come with me, we need some tinsel for the tree. -Oh, yes. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:08 | |
Don't forget we're having dinner with Nicholas Hytner tonight after the performance. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:12 | |
No, no. Yes, yes, yes. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:13 | |
-Darling, are we going straight home? -Oh, yes. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:15 | |
D'you mind if we swing by Marks and Spencer's | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
-and get some Chicken Kievs on the way? -Yes, yes. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
Right. Come along, then, you two. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:22 | |
Mind the step. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:23 | |
Thank you. Mind your ankle. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:24 | |
Thank you. Mind your knee. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
-Thank you. -Mind your elbow. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:27 | |
Thank you. Mind your hip. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:29 | |
# Parking Pataweyo | 0:18:29 | 0:18:32 | |
# Parking Pataweyo | 0:18:32 | 0:18:33 | |
# Parking Pataweyo and his black-and-white cat-aweyo | 0:18:33 | 0:18:39 | |
# Forget to feed the meter? | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
# Pataweyo's eager to pop a ticket on your car | 0:18:42 | 0:18:46 | |
# And get you towed away-o. # | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
-VOICEOVER: -Where's Parking Pataweyo? | 0:18:50 | 0:18:52 | |
Are you hiding? | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
Oh, it's drop-off time for school, | 0:18:58 | 0:19:01 | |
so any latecomers are easy prey for you, aren't they, Parking Pataweyo? | 0:19:01 | 0:19:05 | |
Can you see her number plate from there? | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
What a crafty fellow you are. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
Quick, Parking Pataweyo, now's your chance. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:17 | |
Come on, hurry up. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
What's going on here? | 0:19:23 | 0:19:25 | |
Parking Pataweyo, did you issue her a ticket already? | 0:19:25 | 0:19:28 | |
Well, how on earth did you do that? | 0:19:29 | 0:19:32 | |
A-ha, you want us to see that again in slow motion? | 0:19:32 | 0:19:36 | |
All right. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:38 | |
MUSIC: "Chariots Of Fire" by Vangelis | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
CAMERA CLICKS | 0:19:47 | 0:19:49 | |
Everyone loves Parking Pataweyo. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:12 | |
Hello there. We all love our Northerners, don't we? | 0:20:15 | 0:20:19 | |
I know I'd be lost without Yorkie, here. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:21 | |
Eh-up, lad, put one in t'hall. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:23 | |
Ha! | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
We grow to love their cheeky manner, their devotion, | 0:20:25 | 0:20:28 | |
the simple joy they bring. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:29 | |
Yorkie was adopted by my family whilst still a nipper... | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
GUNSHOTS | 0:20:32 | 0:20:33 | |
..and, naturally, he's flourished in Sussex. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
But not every Northerner is as lucky as Yorkie. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:39 | |
Some of these poor creatures are so neglected and abused, | 0:20:39 | 0:20:42 | |
it's almost as if they're back in the towns and cities of their birth. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:46 | |
The Royal Society for the Protection of Northerners | 0:20:46 | 0:20:48 | |
was set up to care for them. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:49 | |
Tonight, you can make a real difference. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:54 | |
Good boy. | 0:20:54 | 0:20:55 | |
No, no! | 0:20:56 | 0:20:58 | |
No, oh! | 0:20:58 | 0:20:59 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:21:02 | 0:21:03 | |
I'm absolutely drenched" | 0:21:06 | 0:21:08 | |
-JONATHAN ROSS VOICE: -His Woyal Highness, the Prince Minor Woyal, | 0:21:09 | 0:21:13 | |
taking time out of his busy schedule for Northern Welief Night, | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
the culmination of Wed Face Day, | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
in which we all do our bit to help the wuddy, wed-faced Northern folk. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:23 | |
Coming up now, Harry Hill goes on patrol with | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
some of the wonderful people who work for the RSPN. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
So, Geoff, what are we doing here, at this normal street in Shepherd's Bush? | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
Well, it might look like a normal street in Shepherd's Bush, Harry, | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
but we've been called to number 154. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
The sheer volume of boxes of Embassy Regals | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
and chicken parmas suggests there might be an illegal | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
concentration of Northerners, kept in squalid conditions hereby within. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:49 | |
HE KNOCKS ON DOOR | 0:21:49 | 0:21:50 | |
What do you want? | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
I have a warrant to search your premises. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:55 | |
TOY SQUEAKS | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
I've got a bad feeling about this, actually. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
HUBBUB FROM ROOM | 0:22:03 | 0:22:05 | |
Oh! | 0:22:05 | 0:22:06 | |
PEOPLE TALK OVER EACH OTHER | 0:22:08 | 0:22:10 | |
I'm sorry. I don't understand how people can be so cruel. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:16 | |
Moving stuff from Harry Hill there. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:28 | |
Of course, the Northerners weally, weally need your money and here's how it can help. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
MUSIC: "Drive" by The Cars | 0:22:31 | 0:22:33 | |
# Who's gonna tell you things aren't so great? | 0:22:56 | 0:23:03 | |
# Who's gonna drive you home tonight? # | 0:23:07 | 0:23:14 | |
VOICEOVER: Canal Cinq. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:15 | |
Salut, Bing. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:23 | |
Aimes-tu jouer au football? | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
Sur ma tete. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:28 | |
CROWD CHEERING | 0:23:28 | 0:23:30 | |
-VOICEOVER: -Froid! | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
Tu as l'air de Dracula, et tu aimes le footballing. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
Ning-ning-ning-ning! | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
Citron Dracula Footballing. Edition Speciale, Dracula Footballing. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:42 | |
# Dang-de-lang-lang, bing-bang-bong! | 0:23:42 | 0:23:45 | |
# Ooby-dooby! # | 0:23:45 | 0:23:47 | |
Citron Dracula Footballing. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
Citron Dracula Footballing - | 0:23:50 | 0:23:51 | |
Edition speciale de vampire football. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
# There's a man that lives next door in my neighbourhood... # | 0:23:54 | 0:24:00 | |
Hi, Marcus! | 0:24:00 | 0:24:01 | |
Oh, hi, Binty. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:02 | |
-How are you? -Really, really good. How are you? | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
-Amazing, how are you? -Really, really good, how are you? | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
-Incredible, how are you? -Amazing, how are you? -Yeah, not bad, not bad. -Mwah! | 0:24:08 | 0:24:12 | |
You're a really good colour, have you been away? Not that I'm interested. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:16 | |
-Yeah, at our house in the south of France. -Whereabouts? | 0:24:16 | 0:24:18 | |
-Not that I give a shit. -It's just above Villefranche. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
-Oh, I know, not that I care. -The weather was amazing! | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
Was it? I don't give a shit. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:24 | |
-There's a fabulous restaurant down the road from us... -Gosh, I'm not interested. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:28 | |
..where the children play in the pool, while we sip rose from their vineyard. | 0:24:28 | 0:24:31 | |
I don't give a toss. Now, Binti, I'm bored of this conversation, buy something. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:35 | |
Actually, Marcus, today, I am just browsing. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:37 | |
It's lunchtime, get out. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:38 | |
Um, right, yah. What time do you open again today? | 0:24:38 | 0:24:40 | |
-Two o'clock or three o'clock, if I've had a lot of booze. -Right. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:43 | |
Always lovely to see you. Out! | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
Bye, Marcus! | 0:24:45 | 0:24:46 | |
Do you follow the professional game of Association Football, madam? | 0:25:04 | 0:25:09 | |
A little. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:10 | |
My husband was a keen follower until he got his withering condition. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:14 | |
Well, then, perhaps you'll be familiar with | 0:25:17 | 0:25:19 | |
some of the teams for whom I played in a professional capacity. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:23 | |
Perhaps. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
-Nottingham Hotspur? -No. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:26 | |
-Isle of Sheppy Wednesday? -No. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:29 | |
-Manchester Rovers? -No. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
-Bristol? -Doesn't ring a bell. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
Tiverton? | 0:25:33 | 0:25:35 | |
Everton Parkway? | 0:25:35 | 0:25:36 | |
-Queen's Particle? -Ain't not never heard of 'em. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
-Particle Thistle? -Can't say that I have. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:43 | |
-Queen of the South Particle? -Not really. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
Queen of the North Ventricle? | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
-North Ventricle of the Heart of Midlothian? -No. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:49 | |
Arse? | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
GRUNTS | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
-Aston Martin? -No. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
Sunderground? | 0:25:56 | 0:25:58 | |
Roverground? | 0:25:58 | 0:26:00 | |
Wanderers Free? | 0:26:00 | 0:26:02 | |
Wombledon? | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
Oh... No. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:05 | |
West Bromwich Albinos? | 0:26:07 | 0:26:10 | |
I ain't not heard of 'em, but I don't half like the sound of 'em. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:15 | |
HOWLING | 0:26:17 | 0:26:19 | |
CLOCKS CHIME | 0:26:23 | 0:26:25 | |
Come on! | 0:26:34 | 0:26:36 | |
HORNS BEEP | 0:26:36 | 0:26:38 | |
IGNITION STALLS | 0:26:41 | 0:26:42 | |
# This bird was driving the other day | 0:26:44 | 0:26:47 | |
# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road | 0:26:47 | 0:26:49 | |
# She stopped her car down a one-way | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road | 0:26:52 | 0:26:54 | |
# I hit my horn and yelled, "Oi-ey!" | 0:26:54 | 0:26:56 | |
# You're right in the middle of the fuckin' road | 0:26:56 | 0:26:59 | |
# You stupid cow, get out the way | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
# You're right in the middle Right in the middle | 0:27:01 | 0:27:03 | |
# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
# She's gone, "I can't, I've broken down" | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
# Then she started to whinge and whine | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
# She wants a push up on the side | 0:27:17 | 0:27:20 | |
# Right from the middle of the fuckin' road | 0:27:20 | 0:27:22 | |
# "I can't, I've done me back" I lied | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
# She's right in the middle Right in the middle | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
# She's right in the middle of the fuckin' road | 0:27:27 | 0:27:30 | |
# She gets out, I don't know why. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:34 | |
# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road | 0:27:34 | 0:27:37 | |
# She starts to weep She starts to cry. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
# I scratched me head and thought, "Oh, my!" | 0:27:42 | 0:27:45 | |
# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road | 0:27:45 | 0:27:49 | |
# I wish she'd just fuck off and die | 0:27:49 | 0:27:51 | |
# Right in the middle Right in the middle | 0:27:51 | 0:27:54 | |
# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road | 0:27:54 | 0:27:58 | |
# The RAAC come at last | 0:27:58 | 0:28:01 | |
# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
# They pushed her up onto the grass | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road | 0:28:05 | 0:28:08 | |
# As I finally drove right past | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road | 0:28:10 | 0:28:12 | |
# I've gone, "Oi, love! Nice tits, nice arse!" | 0:28:12 | 0:28:15 | |
# Right in the middle Right in the middle | 0:28:15 | 0:28:17 | |
# Right in the middle of the fuckin' road... # | 0:28:17 | 0:28:19 | |
You can pull me off to the side, if you want! | 0:28:19 | 0:28:22 | |
# Right in the middle Right in the middle | 0:28:22 | 0:28:24 | |
# Right in the middle of the fuckin'... # | 0:28:24 | 0:28:26 | |
I bet you'd like to have it off, darlin! | 0:28:26 | 0:28:28 | |
# ..road! # | 0:28:28 | 0:28:29 | |
# Hurrah for Harry and Paul | 0:28:29 | 0:28:33 | |
# Your comedy is challenging and bold | 0:28:33 | 0:28:37 | |
# You're both incredibly handsome and tall | 0:28:37 | 0:28:42 | |
# You're not even beginning to look old | 0:28:42 | 0:28:45 | |
# We strive to increase production of flat-screen televisions | 0:28:45 | 0:28:49 | |
# So we can enjoy Harry and Paul in the highest of definitions | 0:28:49 | 0:28:54 | |
# Hurrah for Harry and Paul. # | 0:28:54 | 0:28:56 |