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This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:09 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:24 | 0:00:27 | |
Good evening! | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
-Welcome to -Have -I -Got -News -For You. I'm Kirsty Young. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:42 | |
I'm Mel Giedroyc. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:43 | |
I'm David Tennant, and in the news this year... | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
In Westminster, there's joy for Michael Gove | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
as he's finally given a Cabinet role that suits his abilities | 0:00:48 | 0:00:51 | |
while still challenging him. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
Would you like a cup of tea? | 0:00:53 | 0:00:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:00:54 | 0:00:57 | |
At a holiday resort in the Mediterranean, | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
Ed Balls suddenly spots George Osborne. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
In central London, BBC arts editor Will Gompertz | 0:01:08 | 0:01:12 | |
struggles with the weight of his massive frontal lobe. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:17 | 0:01:18 | |
And in the Midlands, James Dyson's less successful brothers | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
try to get in on the act. | 0:01:24 | 0:01:26 | |
-IAN: -The British public have spoken. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
And no-one knows what they've said. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
The British public don't like being told what to think | 0:01:37 | 0:01:41 | |
and they don't like people getting above themselves, | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
so Mrs May just got a huge slap. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
"I'll take half your majority away. Shut up." | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
Don't you think it's time to get rid of the British public? | 0:01:51 | 0:01:55 | |
I mean... | 0:01:55 | 0:01:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
Now, it was an amazing night for Jeremy Corbyn. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:05 | |
Alan, you described him as "useless, incompetent and incapable." | 0:02:05 | 0:02:10 | |
-Er... -You're reading things into that. This is... | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
And it's... | 0:02:16 | 0:02:18 | |
Jeremy was very pleased. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
He attempted a high five with Emily Thornberry. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:24 | |
-Shall we have a look? -Yes, let's have a look at that. -Yes. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:27 | |
Well, almost a victory party... | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:02:32 | 0:02:33 | |
Diane Abbott got in a tangle on LBC | 0:02:37 | 0:02:39 | |
during an interview about funding police recruitment. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:42 | |
-What's she gone and done? -Well, they had an idea | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
that they thought would work, which is having 10,000 more police. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
The Labour Party! Normally that's what the Tories say, | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
but this time Labour thought they'd try it. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
-But unfortunately they got Diane out. -Yes. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
She got the numbers wrong, didn't she? She gave an amount | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
-which would mean they were paying £30 per year per policeman. -Yes. | 0:02:56 | 0:03:01 | |
So they said, "Is that right?" She said, "No. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
"I didn't mean £300,000 - I meant £80 million." | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
She hasn't grasped modern politics at all, Diane Abbott. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:12 | |
I think it's mathematics she hasn't got. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
If you've got figures that are complete bollocks | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
and you don't know what you're talking about, | 0:03:18 | 0:03:20 | |
you don't trot them out on a radio show. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
You slap them on the side of a bus, and you drive... | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
I'm already worried I've made too many jokes about Theresa May | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
and not enough about Jeremy Corbyn. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:36 | |
Mind you, you say a bad thing about Jeremy Corbyn, | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
you get enough shit on the internet if you're not Jewish, so... | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
..I think I'll leave it. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
We have got Jeremy Corbyn on Women's Hour. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
-Just not getting the figures at all. -Let's see. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
How much will it cost to provide un-means-tested childcare | 0:03:54 | 0:03:58 | |
for 1.3 million children? | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
Er, it will cost, er... | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
It will obviously cost a lot to do so. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:07 | |
-I presume you have the figures. -Yes, I do. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
-So how much will it cost? -I'll give you the figure in a moment. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:12 | |
You don't know it? | 0:04:12 | 0:04:13 | |
Er... | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
You're logging into your iPad, here. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
It's a major policy, and you don't know how much it will cost? | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
Can I give you the exact figure in a moment? | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
You're flicking through your manifesto, you've got an iPad there, | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
you've had a phone call while we were in here, | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
and you don't know how much it's going to cost? | 0:04:28 | 0:04:30 | |
Can we come back to that in a moment? | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
Anyone can lose the bit of... | 0:04:33 | 0:04:34 | |
I mean, if you're a vicar, everyone always expects you | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
to be able to quote chapter and verse from the Bible, | 0:04:37 | 0:04:39 | |
but you don't hold the information in that way. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
So it's "Thou shalt NOT commit adultery," you know. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
Tiny detail. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:49 | |
The Gospel according to Shrek, I don't know. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:51 | |
We've just heard that Theresa May's | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
pulled out of doing Women's Hour herself, | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
she's been replaced by Justine Greening. What do you think of that? | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
Do you know that's in the same studio as Saturday Live? | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
So I'll be detecting signs of nervousness on the seats | 0:05:01 | 0:05:05 | |
when I go in. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
That's really disgusting. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
It's another edition of I Didn't Know A Vicar Would Say That! | 0:05:18 | 0:05:22 | |
This is the news of the humiliating victory for Theresa May. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:28 | |
Not quite all of the results are in yet. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
As we speak, the largest party | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
is being held by students in Sheffield, | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
where Nick Clegg lost his seat. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
After Theresa May missed the debate, | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
the Mirror referred to the absent Prime Minister as: | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
You can order Chicken Theresa May in a restaurant near me. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
It's thin-skinned, boneless, and refuses to be grilled. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:51 | |
-PAUL: -Ah, yes, this is the bozo of the Western world. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
He tweeted a word... | 0:06:01 | 0:06:03 | |
Covfefe. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:05 | |
Would you support, if somebody... | 0:06:05 | 0:06:07 | |
Um... | 0:06:07 | 0:06:08 | |
Is it right to hit him? | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
-APPLAUSE -Just once. In the face. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:17 | |
Just once. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:18 | |
This was the early hours of Wednesday morning, he tweeted... | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
..and left it at that. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:28 | |
Do you think he was trying to spell "kerfuffle"? | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
-No, coverage. -Must be coverage. -This is what somebody said on Twitter. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
They made a sort of dictionary entry where they wrote: | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
Did you see what the Eurostar did? | 0:06:43 | 0:06:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
What did we learn about Donald Trump's exercise routine this week? | 0:06:53 | 0:06:57 | |
-That he doesn't have one. -That's right. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
-He doesn't do any. -No. -He believes that in order to live longer, | 0:06:59 | 0:07:03 | |
we should not do any exercise. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
This is good news. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:07 | |
He met the Pope in the Vatican. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
Donald thought that he and the Pope got on really well | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
because they had one thing in common. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:22 | |
-Do you know what that is? -Humility. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
That is right. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:27 | |
-That is the answer. -No! -Yes! -No! | 0:07:27 | 0:07:31 | |
You're not known to be a humble man, but I wonder... | 0:07:31 | 0:07:33 | |
I think I am actually humble. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:34 | |
I think I'm much more humble than you would understand. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
Look at Mike Pence's face. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
He's thinking, "What did he just say?!" | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
"Just have a heart attack so I can get the job." | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
The five surviving ex-presidents of the USA all appeared at a fundraiser | 0:07:49 | 0:07:53 | |
for the One America appeal for hurricane relief. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
What led George W Bush and Barack Obama | 0:07:56 | 0:07:59 | |
to snigger behind Bill Clinton's back? | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
Oh, I don't know. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:03 | |
Journalist Simon Ricketts thinks Obama is laughing | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
because Bush is pretending his arms are Bill Clinton's arms. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:10 | |
..calamitous disaster. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
But can be a new beginning... | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
That's amazing, isn't it? | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
Isn't that amazing? | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
What is Donald Trump doing to celebrate Christmas? | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
Is this the awful, ugly Christmas decorations? | 0:08:27 | 0:08:30 | |
I mean, Melania thinks they're... MIMICS MELANIA: ..very beautiful. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:34 | |
Let's have a look. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
I think the look is Nuclear Winterval. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:46 | |
There were ballerinas just dancing for her as she stood there. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
I mean, if it were any more Freudian, | 0:08:49 | 0:08:50 | |
she'd just be in a withered chair in the corner | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
just rocking back and forth. Just her face, it just... | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
You know that that contractually obliged hand job | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
is around the corner. | 0:08:58 | 0:08:59 | |
That's probably the best way to do it, when you're around the corner. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
-She is an innocent gold digger caught up in a dangerous game. -Yeah. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:10 | |
Donald Trump does frequently have trouble with names. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:14 | |
He recently referred to the African country of Nambia, later explaining | 0:09:14 | 0:09:18 | |
he'd simply mixed up the two real countries | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
of Gambia and Narnia. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
Oh, here's the former Prime Minister. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:30 | |
Depends when you're watching. Oh, someone's coughing. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:33 | |
-CROAKILY: -..dealing with our debts... | 0:09:33 | 0:09:35 | |
SHE COUGHS | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
I know a lot of people who are probably nicer than me | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
felt very sorry for her. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:41 | |
But I thought it was very, very funny. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:43 | |
It's a bad sign when a cough sweet goes down better than you do. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:49 | |
What advice did Michael Heseltine offer May | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
regarding what she should do about Boris? | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
Sack him. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:54 | |
Yes, that's certainly in the territory, | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
but we have a clip of this. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:58 | |
Let's enjoy some brave clothing choices. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
Where would you put Boris? If you were in Theresa May's position | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
and you were going to reshuffle, where would you put Boris Johnson? | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
Mongolia? Somewhere like that. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
They don't make patricians like that any more. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
-He matches his plant in that clip. -Of course! | 0:10:16 | 0:10:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
That's amazing. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
Yes. This is not his first rodeo. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
-She can't sack Boris. -Why? | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
Because if she sacks him he gets to walk away from Brexit | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
while simultaneously being able to claim that | 0:10:31 | 0:10:33 | |
if he'd stayed in the government | 0:10:33 | 0:10:34 | |
it all would have gone much better than it's clearly going to go. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:37 | |
She can't allow him the pleasure. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:38 | |
He's essentially an arsonist | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
-who wants to come back dressed as a fireman. -Yes. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
"Where's the fire?" | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
Theresa May's premiership has been under threat for a while, | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
but this must be the first time | 0:10:54 | 0:10:56 | |
that the "coffin" itself could be the final nail. | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
Oh, hummus. Yes, there's a hummus shortage. | 0:11:07 | 0:11:09 | |
There's a man, unbelievably, "No hummus! No hummus!" | 0:11:09 | 0:11:13 | |
Er, yes, there's been a huge drought of hummus. It's run out. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:17 | |
The man who produces it, Hugh Muss, has said that... | 0:11:17 | 0:11:21 | |
It's gone missing. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:22 | |
For those of us in the liberal metropolitan elite, | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
this is more of a disaster even than Brexit. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
Yep. So you're quite right. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
Why have Sainsbury's, Tesco's and Marks and Sparks | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
withdrawn hummus from their shelves? | 0:11:35 | 0:11:37 | |
People complained it tasted funny. Metallic. | 0:11:37 | 0:11:39 | |
-And fizzy. -Fizzy, yes! | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
Fizzy. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:42 | |
What else have shoppers reacted to in amazement? | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
Oh, Blue Riband not going to be made... | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
Is that the one? Jobs going at Blue Riband? | 0:11:46 | 0:11:48 | |
-The jobs are moving. -Moving. -Yeah. So Nestle has said... | 0:11:48 | 0:11:51 | |
-To a different country, I think. -Yeah. They're going to move | 0:11:51 | 0:11:54 | |
300 biscuit-making jobs from Britain to Poland. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
And social media was set alight | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
by people baffled and upset that a biscuit | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
they'd always thought was called Blue Ribbon is called Blue Riband. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
-Why did people think it was called Blue Ribbon? -I have no idea. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
-It's been called that since 1936. -It has! | 0:12:07 | 0:12:11 | |
Consumers were so deeply traumatised... | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
PAUL LAUGHS | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
-..they went online to vent their horror. -Oh, dear. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
Yeah, of course they did. Becka wrote: | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
In other food-related news, | 0:12:26 | 0:12:28 | |
Worcester Cathedral has been criticised | 0:12:28 | 0:12:30 | |
for blessing a bundle of asparagus | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
accompanied by St George and Gus - as in Aspara Gus - | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
who's... | 0:12:35 | 0:12:37 | |
Who has been a fixture of the asparagus festival in Worcester | 0:12:37 | 0:12:41 | |
since 2008. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:43 | |
He's actually the fifth person to wear the asparagus costume. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:47 | |
The first four were strangled by a big blue elastic band. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
Self-effacing rock star who pays too much tax, according to him. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:59 | |
Lewis Hamilton... I can't remember which is the good one, | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
it's either avoidance or evasion. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
It's a subtle difference, isn't it? | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
-You'll get sued if you say the wrong one. -Oh, right. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
So go on. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
I'll mention your name as I'm passing through the legal system. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:16 | |
You're talking about millions and billions, | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
and in the case of Lewis Hamilton, who is extremely wealthy... | 0:13:18 | 0:13:21 | |
Isn't he meant to be the richest sportsman of all now? | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
Yeah, I suppose so. He doesn't have to be particularly fit, | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
doing what he does. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:28 | |
He sits in a car and points it in that direction. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:32 | |
He doesn't even build the car. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:34 | |
He's like an Uber driver who goes a bit quicker, that's all. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:37 | |
It's the leak of the Paradise Papers. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:46 | |
-Yes. -Other famous individuals are named, | 0:13:46 | 0:13:48 | |
not just Lewis Hamilton. What's Bono done? | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
He bought a shopping centre? | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
He bought a shopping centre in beautiful Lithuania. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
-Here it is. -Via a holding company in Malta. | 0:13:54 | 0:13:58 | |
-I've actually been there. -What, to that shopping centre? | 0:13:58 | 0:14:01 | |
Yes. I spent ages trying to shop, | 0:14:01 | 0:14:02 | |
but I still couldn't find what I was looking for. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
LAUGHTER AND GROANS | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
The way that photograph is framed is a bit unusual | 0:14:09 | 0:14:11 | |
cos you can't see The Edge. Do you see? | 0:14:11 | 0:14:14 | |
He issued a statement. What did that say? | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
"Fuck the lot of you." | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
-That's the House of Commons. -Sexminster. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
Oh, no, that's the House of Commons. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:33 | |
And he's off. The former Defence Secretary. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
Where are the Lib Dems? That's what I want to know in this sex scandal. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
Normally they are way in the front in any sex scandal, | 0:14:38 | 0:14:41 | |
and they've been left trailing. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
There's not enough of them any more. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
They can't even round up a decent gang of sex offenders. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:48 | |
A threesome would be a push, wouldn't it? It would be a push. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:53 | |
The Times published a redacted version of the list. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:59 | |
A damning indictment of MPs' behaviour, | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
or, if you prefer, a fun-packed Missing Words Round. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:05 | |
I mean, here's one, for example. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
Clothing, presumably. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:16 | |
-Perfume. -Women's suffrage banners. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:19 | |
Yes, that's... | 0:15:19 | 0:15:20 | |
OK, try the next one. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:23 | |
Own sweets. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
That's just sensible. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
It's "personal trainer". | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
-Some of this is not high-level crime, is it? -No, no, it's... | 0:15:34 | 0:15:38 | |
-Compared to, say, Putin or Trump. -But if I can just say, | 0:15:38 | 0:15:42 | |
as the only representative of the female gender here today, | 0:15:42 | 0:15:46 | |
I know it's not high-level, | 0:15:46 | 0:15:48 | |
but it doesn't have to be high-level | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
for women to feel under siege in somewhere like the House of Commons. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:56 | |
And actually for women, if you're constantly being harassed | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
even in a small way, that builds up. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:02 | |
And that wears you down. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:04 | |
APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING | 0:16:04 | 0:16:07 | |
There is a wide range of behaviour on offer. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
One MP is described as: | 0:16:11 | 0:16:12 | |
-What, can he drive? -I don't know. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:16 | |
I thought maybe it meant he'd hold your chips | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
while you throw up out the window. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:21 | |
That's what I'm looking for in a man, anyway. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
What a showbiz life you lead, Jo. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
I tell you, Paul, you should come out with me for the night. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
It's marvellous. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:32 | |
Er, what did the list have to say about Amber Rudd? | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
Oh, she'd had an affair, a post-marital affair, | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
with another MP, | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
and he wasn't married either. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
-So what...? -They're very Puritan... -They are. -..this particular | 0:16:42 | 0:16:46 | |
bunch of researchers. It was just put on the list. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
"Enjoying life." | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
What's the real scandal associated with Amber Rudd? | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
It's not this traffic light joke, is it? | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
It is the traffic light joke, yes. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
Er, about a year ago, Paul Merton made this joke. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:03 | |
If Amber Rudd married someone called Green, | 0:17:03 | 0:17:05 | |
she'd be like a traffic light. Amber Rudd Green. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
Just occurred to me, that's all. | 0:17:09 | 0:17:11 | |
And then, eight months later, Labour's Alan Johnson said this. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:16 | |
Am I the only one who thinks | 0:17:16 | 0:17:17 | |
Amber Rudd sounds like a traffic light sequence? | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
So... | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
So if she stood for the Green Party, | 0:17:22 | 0:17:24 | |
it'd be Amber Rudd, Green. | 0:17:24 | 0:17:26 | |
It's like the Highway Code. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
I said that on the programme about eight months ago! | 0:17:33 | 0:17:37 | |
That's incredible. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
-But it turns out the gag's even older than that. -Really? | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
Here is some footage from series one. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:48 | |
OLD-FASHIONED MUSIC PLAYS | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
Ahh. | 0:18:01 | 0:18:02 | |
I was wrong. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:03 | |
This is the sex scandal engulfing Westminster. | 0:18:03 | 0:18:07 | |
According to the redacted dossier... | 0:18:07 | 0:18:09 | |
Why are these jobs never advertised? | 0:18:13 | 0:18:15 | |
Right, er, nudging? | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
A guy won the Nobel Prize for Economics, the nudge theory. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:27 | |
I'm not entirely sure what the nudge theory is. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:29 | |
It's this guy Richard Thaler, and his theory is that you just | 0:18:29 | 0:18:33 | |
have to kind of guide people, sort of through almost | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
subliminal suggestion, towards positive outcomes. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
-If you put a bee on a urinal - not a real bee... -Sure. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:43 | |
..but a picture of a bee - | 0:18:43 | 0:18:44 | |
apparently it makes men aim their pee better. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
-Yeah, yeah. -They've often used a fly. It's completely true. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:51 | |
That helps with aim, there. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:53 | |
I was genuinely considering wearing this shirt tonight, but I was just... | 0:18:55 | 0:19:00 | |
I was afraid of all the urine... | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
..that it would inevitably attract. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
Also, we have a new semi-circular bus seat. There we go. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:09 | |
And that's to what end? | 0:19:09 | 0:19:10 | |
That's to allow you to face your assailant directly. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:13 | |
Yes. It's actually about encouraging people to talk. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
"How do you feel you might mug me? Oh, that... That would be lovely." | 0:19:21 | 0:19:26 | |
I think that nudge theory is responsible for all those products | 0:19:26 | 0:19:31 | |
that address you in the first person. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
What is termed "wackaging", which is | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
-rapacious commercial brands trying to be your mates. -Yeah. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:39 | |
Take, for example, innocent smoothies and their knitted woolly hats. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
I'm against capital punishment but I'd bring it back for the mark... | 0:19:42 | 0:19:46 | |
-What, for the smoothie? -For the marketing people. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
But they're innocent. Look, they're telling you! | 0:19:48 | 0:19:50 | |
Which awards were announced recently | 0:19:52 | 0:19:54 | |
that people might be less eager to win? | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
-Is that the Ig Nobel Prize? -Yes. -Cos they have it every year, don't they? | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
-The most stupid things that people have done. -That's exactly right. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
In fact, their quote is... | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
Didn't one of the winners | 0:20:09 | 0:20:10 | |
call a snap election to get a bigger majority? | 0:20:10 | 0:20:13 | |
The winner of the Ig Nobel Prize for Physics used flow dynamics | 0:20:15 | 0:20:18 | |
to answer the question... | 0:20:18 | 0:20:19 | |
It was prompted by the ability of cats | 0:20:24 | 0:20:25 | |
to adopt the shape of any container. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:27 | |
This is the Nobel Prize for Economics awarded to Richard Thaler, | 0:20:35 | 0:20:38 | |
the man who invented the nudge theory. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:39 | |
A practical application of nudge technique | 0:20:39 | 0:20:42 | |
was used in North Carolina, where... | 0:20:42 | 0:20:43 | |
A similar scheme in Middlesbrough netted one lucky girl £2.63. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:52 | |
-That's the current Prime Minister. -Yes, she's still in. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
That's the negotiation. | 0:20:58 | 0:20:59 | |
Oh, that's a subtle metaphor. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
Who would've thought that saying "fuck you" | 0:21:01 | 0:21:03 | |
to the rest of Europe would have such complications? Mm. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:07 | |
This is the linked report from Theresa May's dinner with | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
Jean-Claude Juncker. The dinner itself was very amicable. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:13 | |
It was followed by an interminable argument over how to split the bill. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
What was the substance of the leak? | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
Theresa May was desperate | 0:21:20 | 0:21:22 | |
and was begging the EU just to give her a chance. | 0:21:22 | 0:21:25 | |
It said that May had... | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
Juncker's chief aide is called Martin Selmayr, and he's got form. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:32 | |
-He's known as The Monster. -He's also known as Rasputin. -Rasputin? | 0:21:32 | 0:21:36 | |
-Darth Vader. -Just anyone evil? | 0:21:36 | 0:21:39 | |
Do you know what the Daily Mail calls him? | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
Editor in chief? | 0:21:41 | 0:21:43 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
..is what they call him. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:53 | |
-I think I was right first time. -Leaky bully-boy. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:56 | |
There was another leak at a high-level meeting of | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
European politicians this week. What was that? | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
Not this toxic gas leak at the...? | 0:22:00 | 0:22:02 | |
-No, a much less serious leak, arguably. -The vegetable leek? | 0:22:02 | 0:22:06 | |
Er, slightly more serious than a vegetable leek. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:08 | |
-It involves Macron's dog. -Oh, yes! -Oh! | 0:22:08 | 0:22:13 | |
The President of France urinated into a fireplace | 0:22:13 | 0:22:16 | |
and then blamed it on his dog. | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
Would that that were true. While attending a meeting at the Elysee Palace with Macron | 0:22:18 | 0:22:22 | |
and members of his government, Nemo relieved himself in the fireplace. Keep an eye on the young chien. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:26 | |
THEY SPEAK FRENCH | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
I think that's all right in high-level meetings now, | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
cos I think Trump does that. I think... I've seen it. Definitely. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:52 | |
This is Brexit and the row over leaks after a dinner. | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
One Tory MP came under fire for asking universities | 0:22:56 | 0:22:59 | |
for the names and details of lecturers teaching Brexit. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
One critic accused him of McCarthyism, | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
while another said it was "idiotic Leninism". | 0:23:05 | 0:23:07 | |
Lenin and McCarthyism, eh? | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
Just let it be, I say. APPLAUSE | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
Yes, this is a hospital... | 0:23:17 | 0:23:19 | |
-The computer's going down. So, hackers. Anonymous hackers. -It's the hackers. -Are they anonymous? | 0:23:19 | 0:23:23 | |
-I don't know where they're from. -We do know where they're from. They are from North Korea, | 0:23:23 | 0:23:27 | |
-it turns out. -Has that been proven? -Not totally proven. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:30 | |
Do you know what the virus was called? | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
It was called WannaCry. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:35 | |
It demands money before you can get your computer files back. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:39 | |
It was all in BRIT-coins as well. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:41 | |
-Bitcoins. -Bitcoins. | 0:23:41 | 0:23:42 | |
No, no, we've left the European market. They're Britcoins now! | 0:23:44 | 0:23:47 | |
Didn't it only happen because | 0:23:47 | 0:23:49 | |
we've not upgraded the security properly? | 0:23:49 | 0:23:51 | |
We've been running the NHS on Windows XP, so people | 0:23:51 | 0:23:54 | |
have probably been told that they're dying by a helpful paperclip. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:57 | |
But a young man, a 20-year-old, managed to solve it all by chance. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:05 | |
He's a 22-year-old reclusive IT consultant called Marcus, | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
who lives in Devon. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:09 | |
Do you know how he managed to disarm the sophisticated...? | 0:24:09 | 0:24:12 | |
Yes, he bought something | 0:24:12 | 0:24:13 | |
from Amazon, £25, and inserted this programme and somehow, | 0:24:13 | 0:24:18 | |
by chance, it solved everything. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
We've become too reliant on these computers. It's rather frightening. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:24 | |
If you're in an aeroplane and suddenly the computer is hacked, | 0:24:24 | 0:24:26 | |
it might fall out of the sky. You'd be disappointed, wouldn't you? | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
-Very! -Depends how far you had to walk to the airport. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:34 | |
Marcus Hutchins, the 22-year-old IT expert who still lives with | 0:24:36 | 0:24:39 | |
his mum, has said he fears retribution and is... | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
What life? | 0:24:44 | 0:24:45 | |
One of the big stories is they hacked Disney. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
They've demanded a ransom. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
Disney have said... | 0:24:54 | 0:24:55 | |
..said the makers of Pirates Of The Caribbean 5. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:05 | |
This is the NHS computer-hacking crisis. | 0:25:07 | 0:25:10 | |
It's the biggest failure for the NHS since records began... | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
at three o'clock yesterday. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:14 | |
At a school in Battersea, after he'd come second | 0:25:17 | 0:25:19 | |
in the egg and spoon race, classmates are forced to take action | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
as Prince George throws another tantrum. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:24 | |
There's evidence that female moviegoers may be | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
disappointed with the remake of Ghost. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
PlayStation brings out a brand-new virtual reality game that lets | 0:25:40 | 0:25:43 | |
players enjoy all the excitement of tweaking a hipster's beard. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:47 | |
And in London there are fears | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
the RSPCA may have developed a paramilitary wing. | 0:25:57 | 0:26:00 | |
BUZZER | 0:26:12 | 0:26:13 | |
This is the Queen and Prince Philip showing why they get on so well. | 0:26:13 | 0:26:16 | |
It's their 70th wedding anniversary, I think - | 0:26:16 | 0:26:19 | |
1947. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:20 | |
According to the royal biographer Ingrid Seward, | 0:26:20 | 0:26:22 | |
the secret to their happy marriage is that... | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
What do you think they might laugh about? | 0:26:26 | 0:26:28 | |
Us. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:29 | |
"Fools." | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
Well, Ingrid said the Queen is "a wonderful mimic" | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
and is "particularly good at a Liverpudlian accent." | 0:26:33 | 0:26:36 | |
No! | 0:26:36 | 0:26:37 | |
Fingers on the buzzers, teams, | 0:26:37 | 0:26:39 | |
for the no-expense-spent Phil And Liz Quiz. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:42 | |
The royal couple received 2,583 wedding presents, | 0:26:46 | 0:26:49 | |
but what did they get 76 of? | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
Toasters. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:53 | |
Nope. 76 people gave them handkerchiefs. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:56 | |
-LIVERPOOL ACCENT: -Hey, Phil, look at all these hankies we got. | 0:26:56 | 0:26:59 | |
Ingrid also revealed that the couple share a bedroom, | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
but Prince Philip also has his own in case... | 0:27:06 | 0:27:09 | |
I enjoyed his answer to a question in 1988. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:16 | |
He was asked what he would like to be reincarnated as. He said... | 0:27:16 | 0:27:19 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:27:27 | 0:27:30 | |
-BELL -Pole dancing. | 0:27:33 | 0:27:35 | |
Yes. | 0:27:35 | 0:27:36 | |
It's not in any way sexual, | 0:27:36 | 0:27:38 | |
as this picture proves. | 0:27:38 | 0:27:40 | |
It is a proper accredited sport, | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
requiring gymnastic ability and a beard. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
-And it's going to be an Olympic sport. -Is it? | 0:27:46 | 0:27:49 | |
I think there's talk about it being an Olympic sport. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:52 | |
Would you like to see some competitive pole dancing? | 0:27:52 | 0:27:54 | |
Yes, I think we're being unnecessarily rude. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:56 | |
Not on this programme, I'm just saying... | 0:27:56 | 0:27:58 | |
In the USA, what were pole dancers called | 0:28:04 | 0:28:07 | |
when they performed in travelling fairs in the 1920s? | 0:28:07 | 0:28:10 | |
-AMERICAN ACCENT: -Pole dancers. | 0:28:10 | 0:28:12 | |
In what international competition | 0:28:16 | 0:28:18 | |
did the UK score a surprise victory over France this week? | 0:28:18 | 0:28:20 | |
-Wine tasting. -Yes. | 0:28:20 | 0:28:22 | |
Out of 24 countries, France came 11th, | 0:28:22 | 0:28:24 | |
nine places below the UK, which was second. | 0:28:24 | 0:28:27 | |
Was it done on volume? | 0:28:27 | 0:28:29 | |
This is the news that pole dancing may become an Olympic event. | 0:28:35 | 0:28:39 | |
If it does, it'll be the first-ever instance | 0:28:39 | 0:28:41 | |
of bringing a sport INTO repute. | 0:28:41 | 0:28:43 | |
BUZZER | 0:28:48 | 0:28:49 | |
This is a wildlife documentary. | 0:28:49 | 0:28:51 | |
This is an iguana running away from snakes | 0:28:51 | 0:28:54 | |
and it was a very brilliantly photographed bit of footage | 0:28:54 | 0:28:57 | |
and you've got to spend hours, months, weekends, days, forever | 0:28:57 | 0:29:01 | |
trying to get this stuff. | 0:29:01 | 0:29:02 | |
And somebody complained because there's a cutaway to another iguana, | 0:29:02 | 0:29:06 | |
a sort of close-up thing, | 0:29:06 | 0:29:08 | |
and they said this is cheating somehow, | 0:29:08 | 0:29:10 | |
as if you can make an iguana... | 0:29:10 | 0:29:11 | |
"Sorry, love, we missed that - can we do it again?" | 0:29:11 | 0:29:14 | |
So I don't understand why people are confused about how films are made. | 0:29:14 | 0:29:17 | |
How could they tell it wasn't the same iguana? | 0:29:17 | 0:29:20 | |
Well, because... | 0:29:20 | 0:29:21 | |
I don't know. Maybe it had a hat on or something. | 0:29:21 | 0:29:24 | |
"Up the Gunners." I don't know. He had a badge. | 0:29:24 | 0:29:27 | |
"Is it true Arsene Wenger's leaving?" | 0:29:27 | 0:29:30 | |
No, I think it was a protest registered by the snakes. | 0:29:33 | 0:29:37 | |
Er...cos they're shown in this film to be incompetent. | 0:29:37 | 0:29:41 | |
-Very poor light. -There are hundreds of them chasing one baby iguana | 0:29:41 | 0:29:44 | |
and they're so useless they don't get anywhere near him. | 0:29:44 | 0:29:47 | |
And the iguana escapes. | 0:29:47 | 0:29:48 | |
And I think they protested, | 0:29:48 | 0:29:50 | |
saying, "The footage is completely faked. We won the encounter." | 0:29:50 | 0:29:54 | |
"And David Attenborough really should just resign." | 0:29:55 | 0:29:58 | |
Can we see the footage? It's so good. | 0:29:59 | 0:30:01 | |
You want to see the fakery row, | 0:30:01 | 0:30:03 | |
the scene including the lizard and the snake? | 0:30:03 | 0:30:06 | |
-Yeah. -OK. Let's have a look. | 0:30:06 | 0:30:08 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:30:09 | 0:30:11 | |
-BUZZER -I don't know what this is, | 0:30:21 | 0:30:23 | |
but that's what they used to call a hobbyhorse, isn't it, | 0:30:23 | 0:30:25 | |
so this must be some sort of hobbyhorse racing? | 0:30:25 | 0:30:28 | |
-That's right. -Is it? -Yes. | 0:30:28 | 0:30:30 | |
This is the news that hobbyhorsing is the latest craze | 0:30:30 | 0:30:33 | |
to hit the Finnish teens. | 0:30:33 | 0:30:35 | |
Shall we have a look at a bit of hobbyhorsing? | 0:30:35 | 0:30:37 | |
-Yeah, absolutely. -Let's do it. | 0:30:37 | 0:30:39 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:30:48 | 0:30:51 | |
Now, if a sport ever needed to be drug tested, it's that one. | 0:30:51 | 0:30:56 | |
It's actually estimated that | 0:30:56 | 0:30:58 | |
there are more than 10,000 people hobbyhorsing in Finland | 0:30:58 | 0:31:01 | |
-and 200 people... -Who's estimated that - Diane Abbott? | 0:31:01 | 0:31:04 | |
What did a recent documentary reveal about hobbyhorsers? | 0:31:08 | 0:31:11 | |
That they're lonely? | 0:31:13 | 0:31:15 | |
The actual answer is they're not as mad as you think. One said... | 0:31:15 | 0:31:19 | |
No. | 0:31:22 | 0:31:23 | |
Having said that, they do give their hobbyhorses names, such as... | 0:31:24 | 0:31:27 | |
What would you call your hobbyhorse, Paul? | 0:31:29 | 0:31:32 | |
Mrs Williams. | 0:31:32 | 0:31:33 | |
-Ian? -Southern Rail Are Useless. | 0:31:35 | 0:31:37 | |
This is the latest craze to hit Finland. | 0:31:40 | 0:31:43 | |
It's such an obsession with Finnish girls | 0:31:43 | 0:31:45 | |
that they are out on their hobbyhorses from dawn till dusk. | 0:31:45 | 0:31:48 | |
That's a whole hour. | 0:31:48 | 0:31:49 | |
It's time now for the Odd One Out round. | 0:31:52 | 0:31:55 | |
Your four are... | 0:31:55 | 0:31:57 | |
the tiger mascot for the Siliwangi Military Command in Indonesia, | 0:31:57 | 0:32:02 | |
Archimedes, Millicent Fawcett, | 0:32:02 | 0:32:04 | |
and Cristiano Ronaldo. | 0:32:04 | 0:32:06 | |
Ronaldo recently had a statue made of him, | 0:32:06 | 0:32:08 | |
so it's him looking funny or amused, I think. | 0:32:08 | 0:32:11 | |
-So it's about statues, I think. -It is. | 0:32:11 | 0:32:13 | |
The mascot, I don't know anything about that, | 0:32:13 | 0:32:15 | |
but I imagine it's a pretty grim mascot. | 0:32:15 | 0:32:17 | |
I think the statue was regarded as laughable, | 0:32:17 | 0:32:19 | |
and presumably there'll be... | 0:32:19 | 0:32:21 | |
I know there isn't yet a statue of Fawcett, | 0:32:21 | 0:32:23 | |
the rather impressive woman on the left | 0:32:23 | 0:32:25 | |
who was a suffragette in the 19th century, | 0:32:25 | 0:32:26 | |
-but Theresa May has promised that there will be a statue... -Ah! | 0:32:26 | 0:32:30 | |
..of her in Parliament Square. | 0:32:30 | 0:32:32 | |
There is a statue of Archimedes. | 0:32:32 | 0:32:34 | |
There must be somewhere, presumably. | 0:32:34 | 0:32:36 | |
-But someone's objected to it. -Oh, really? | 0:32:36 | 0:32:38 | |
So they're all statues that people have objected to | 0:32:38 | 0:32:40 | |
-apart from Fawcett... -Who's not there yet. | 0:32:40 | 0:32:42 | |
..who's going to get a statue. | 0:32:42 | 0:32:44 | |
So she must be the odd one out. | 0:32:44 | 0:32:45 | |
Portugal, as you say, decided to honour Cristiano Ronaldo | 0:32:45 | 0:32:48 | |
by renaming Madeira Airport after him | 0:32:48 | 0:32:50 | |
and unveiling this bronze bust at one of its terminals. | 0:32:50 | 0:32:53 | |
A statue of the majestic, fearsome Sumatran tiger, | 0:32:56 | 0:32:59 | |
a mascot of the Siliwangi Military Command in Indonesia, | 0:32:59 | 0:33:03 | |
went viral this week. Here it is. | 0:33:03 | 0:33:05 | |
What does he want from us? | 0:33:10 | 0:33:12 | |
Why did the statue end up looking | 0:33:14 | 0:33:16 | |
so unlike the ferocious beast it was supposed to resemble? | 0:33:16 | 0:33:20 | |
They couldn't get the head they wanted. | 0:33:20 | 0:33:22 | |
The spokesman said it was because the artist... | 0:33:22 | 0:33:25 | |
A nude statue of Archimedes is said to be distracting drivers | 0:33:32 | 0:33:35 | |
on a road in Basingstoke. | 0:33:35 | 0:33:37 | |
So let's settle this once and for all. | 0:33:37 | 0:33:40 | |
Do you find this distracting? | 0:33:40 | 0:33:41 | |
No, not really. | 0:33:41 | 0:33:43 | |
I didn't even know he was from Basingstoke. | 0:33:43 | 0:33:45 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:33:48 | 0:33:50 | |
So they are all the subject of a controversial statue | 0:33:50 | 0:33:54 | |
apart from Millicent Fawcett. | 0:33:54 | 0:33:56 | |
The offending naked statue of Archimedes | 0:33:56 | 0:33:58 | |
is outside the owner's house. I'm told it's a large, impressive semi, | 0:33:58 | 0:34:02 | |
but don't know much about the house. | 0:34:02 | 0:34:04 | |
Prince Harry, Tybalt, | 0:34:08 | 0:34:10 | |
a dishwasher | 0:34:10 | 0:34:12 | |
and Charles Darwin. | 0:34:12 | 0:34:13 | |
-BUZZER -It's an exam question. | 0:34:13 | 0:34:15 | |
Tybalt was wrongly identified as a member of the Montague household | 0:34:15 | 0:34:20 | |
-in a GCSE English exam. -Ah, yes. | 0:34:20 | 0:34:22 | |
-Whereas in fact he was a Capulet. -Yes. | 0:34:22 | 0:34:24 | |
And these poor students were asked, "Why did Tybalt hate the Capulets?" | 0:34:24 | 0:34:27 | |
Which he didn't, because they were his own family. | 0:34:27 | 0:34:29 | |
-And what's the odd one out? -Dishwashers... | 0:34:29 | 0:34:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:34:31 | 0:34:35 | |
It's recently been revealed that dishwashers | 0:34:35 | 0:34:37 | |
-are very good at washing, erm... -Dishes? | 0:34:37 | 0:34:40 | |
No, no, no! | 0:34:40 | 0:34:42 | |
The answer is that dishwashers were also on the exam paper. | 0:34:42 | 0:34:45 | |
And so was Darwin. | 0:34:45 | 0:34:46 | |
There was a geography paper which asked students about dishwashers | 0:34:46 | 0:34:50 | |
and they said they'd been preparing for things like climate change and, | 0:34:50 | 0:34:54 | |
similarly, I think it was a biology paper, and the question was... | 0:34:54 | 0:35:00 | |
Why had he been drawn like a monkey? In a cartoon. | 0:35:00 | 0:35:03 | |
And they thought because the reason why he was drawn like a monkey | 0:35:03 | 0:35:06 | |
was because he had written the evolu... You know, the... | 0:35:06 | 0:35:08 | |
-Theory of evolution? -On The Origin Of Species. | 0:35:08 | 0:35:11 | |
Never catch on. | 0:35:11 | 0:35:14 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:35:14 | 0:35:18 | |
-And then... Prince Harry is the odd one out. -Why? | 0:35:18 | 0:35:22 | |
Because they were using his voice in Germany for an English aural exam | 0:35:22 | 0:35:28 | |
and they decided he didn't speak the Queen's English. | 0:35:28 | 0:35:32 | |
He was dropped from the German aural exam - there you are. | 0:35:32 | 0:35:36 | |
That's right. They were all... CHEERING | 0:35:36 | 0:35:38 | |
They've all been the subject of controversial exam questions | 0:35:41 | 0:35:45 | |
apart from Prince Harry, one of whose speeches | 0:35:45 | 0:35:47 | |
featured in an exam question but nobody could understand it. | 0:35:47 | 0:35:50 | |
In the GCSE biology exam, students were shown this drawing | 0:35:50 | 0:35:53 | |
of Charles Darwin as a monkey and they didn't really understand why. | 0:35:53 | 0:35:56 | |
One student tweeted... | 0:35:56 | 0:35:58 | |
Another criticism of the GCSE English exam was that | 0:36:05 | 0:36:08 | |
it focused less on Romeo and Juliet and more on the characters... | 0:36:08 | 0:36:10 | |
One student had no problem with that question, tweeting... | 0:36:12 | 0:36:16 | |
According to the Guardian, | 0:36:23 | 0:36:24 | |
the exam board OCR apologised to students | 0:36:24 | 0:36:26 | |
after asking a question about Tybalt in Romeo And Juliet. | 0:36:26 | 0:36:29 | |
It's no wonder the students were upset. | 0:36:29 | 0:36:30 | |
A couple of marks either way in a Shakespeare exam could mean | 0:36:30 | 0:36:33 | |
the difference between a B and not a B. | 0:36:33 | 0:36:36 | |
Time now for the Missing Words Round. | 0:36:36 | 0:36:39 | |
And we start with... | 0:36:39 | 0:36:40 | |
The Loch Ness Monster. | 0:36:44 | 0:36:46 | |
Hope. | 0:36:46 | 0:36:47 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:36:47 | 0:36:51 | |
It was the Loch Ness Monster! | 0:36:53 | 0:36:54 | |
If you believe this story, | 0:36:54 | 0:36:56 | |
you really should take a long, hard look in the mirror... | 0:36:56 | 0:36:59 | |
as they're the only paper that bothered to cover it. | 0:36:59 | 0:37:02 | |
Next... | 0:37:04 | 0:37:05 | |
Bulge in lie-detecting underpants. | 0:37:07 | 0:37:09 | |
Is it Eamonn Holmes? | 0:37:12 | 0:37:14 | |
Prince song. | 0:37:17 | 0:37:19 | |
# Really big courgette... # | 0:37:19 | 0:37:22 | |
Is that it? | 0:37:22 | 0:37:24 | |
Second World War bomb turns out to be really big courgette. | 0:37:26 | 0:37:30 | |
God, the Germans were desperate towards the end, weren't they? | 0:37:30 | 0:37:33 | |
Here's the courgette. | 0:37:33 | 0:37:34 | |
It was found in a garden in Bretten in Germany. | 0:37:34 | 0:37:37 | |
According to the BBC, once police had confirmed | 0:37:37 | 0:37:39 | |
it was just a five-kilo vegetable... | 0:37:39 | 0:37:41 | |
And sure enough, 24 hours later, | 0:37:43 | 0:37:45 | |
neighbours heard a massive explosion. | 0:37:45 | 0:37:48 | |
Next... | 0:37:49 | 0:37:50 | |
Is it marry a supermodel? | 0:37:53 | 0:37:55 | |
Admit it's all a bit far-fetched? | 0:37:57 | 0:37:59 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:38:02 | 0:38:06 | |
The answer is... | 0:38:06 | 0:38:07 | |
Which will premiere at the Cannes Film Festival next week. | 0:38:09 | 0:38:12 | |
The pontiff's acting was praised, | 0:38:12 | 0:38:13 | |
but he did annoy the director a bit when he started his scene by saying, | 0:38:13 | 0:38:16 | |
"Let there be lights, camera, action." | 0:38:16 | 0:38:20 | |
Next... | 0:38:20 | 0:38:21 | |
Invade Gibraltar. | 0:38:24 | 0:38:26 | |
They will. You just can't trust 'em. | 0:38:28 | 0:38:30 | |
-They're threatening to come to Britain. -You're quite right. | 0:38:30 | 0:38:33 | |
It is... | 0:38:33 | 0:38:34 | |
Experts have warned that an amorous Spanish slug is currently | 0:38:35 | 0:38:39 | |
invading Britain, mating with native species and creating super-slugs, | 0:38:39 | 0:38:43 | |
which are threatening to ruin gardens and crops this summer. | 0:38:43 | 0:38:47 | |
One scientist claimed | 0:38:47 | 0:38:48 | |
it was the biggest threat to British slugs since... | 0:38:48 | 0:38:51 | |
Although the Durham slug is actually just a Northern snail | 0:38:55 | 0:38:58 | |
that refuses to wear a shell, even in winter. | 0:38:58 | 0:39:01 | |
Floor! | 0:39:08 | 0:39:09 | |
Liquid cat! | 0:39:11 | 0:39:13 | |
-Ah! -Marks & Spencer was criticised for how their delivery driver | 0:39:16 | 0:39:20 | |
attempted to hide the package. See if you can spot it. | 0:39:20 | 0:39:23 | |
Next... | 0:39:26 | 0:39:28 | |
Meeting Scotsman in pub for a joke. | 0:39:31 | 0:39:34 | |
-Er, football. -It is a football keepy-uppy contest. | 0:39:35 | 0:39:40 | |
Let's have a look. | 0:39:40 | 0:39:41 | |
-She's good! -She's very good on the cross. | 0:39:42 | 0:39:46 | |
Finally... | 0:39:48 | 0:39:49 | |
Wife number eight. | 0:39:54 | 0:39:55 | |
She can't stand him. | 0:39:57 | 0:39:59 | |
This is Ron Sheppard, looking for wife number nine. | 0:40:05 | 0:40:08 | |
He's previously been married to... | 0:40:08 | 0:40:11 | |
I think we can pinpoint the moment when he discovered the internet. | 0:40:16 | 0:40:20 | |
Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. | 0:40:24 | 0:40:27 | |
"I still can't find Keith, but I've left him another note." | 0:40:27 | 0:40:30 | |
Mr Weinstein's office staff. | 0:40:34 | 0:40:37 | |
AUDIENCE: Oh! | 0:40:37 | 0:40:39 | |
Yeah, that's the one to finish the show on. | 0:40:42 | 0:40:44 | |
I leave you with news that in Brussels, | 0:40:46 | 0:40:47 | |
as world leaders gather for a photo opportunity, | 0:40:47 | 0:40:50 | |
Theresa May insists that the UK and United States | 0:40:50 | 0:40:53 | |
still have a special relationship. | 0:40:53 | 0:40:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:40:57 | 0:40:59 | |
In the basement of Labour Party HQ, | 0:41:03 | 0:41:05 | |
the BBC's Laura Kuenssberg | 0:41:05 | 0:41:07 | |
recovers from the knockout drops to be met with a worrying sight. | 0:41:07 | 0:41:11 | |
And at Calais, the British unveil the winning design | 0:41:18 | 0:41:20 | |
for a post-Brexit entrance to the Channel Tunnel. | 0:41:20 | 0:41:23 | |
Goodnight. | 0:41:26 | 0:41:28 |