Episode 7 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Eamonn Holmes.

In the news this week - at Belfast General Hospital,

a consultant unveils the pioneering device

that will replace Ian Paisley's worn out vocal cords.

There's confusion in Downing Street as the Daily Mirror photographer

shouts, "Can we have a wave from the public school tosser?"

And, on holiday in Madrid, the chairman of McDonalds

regrets taking a front-row seat.

On Ian's team is a satirist whose father was in the pizza business,

so when he was born he was delivered half an hour late

by a spotty teenager on a moped.

Please welcome Armando Iannucci!

And on Paul's team is the BBC's Business Editor

whose brilliant financial reporting doubled the audience of BBC News 24,

when BOTH his parents started watching it.

Please welcome Robert Peston.

Yes, we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Armando, take a look at this.

Got no money.

None at all. Gosh, they're bored, aren't they?

Bond villain.

LAUGHTER

That's manufacturing industry,

that's all of it, there.

-Look at that!

-One day there'll be 10,000 Milibands.

LAUGHTER

This is the big news. This is the coalition.

Working together to cut everything.

The demolition, now.

What is George Osborne doing on Monday?

They promised these cuts, it's what won them the election.

He's going to announce what those cuts are.

He's brought into his team a very nice Liberal Democrat, David Laws...

Is it compulsory now, to put the words "very nice" before "Liberal Democrat"?

"So we've got a horrid Tory, booo...

"and David Laws. He-ey!"

We're going to get rid of the ridiculous and unnecessary post

of Deputy Prime Minister. That's going.

Um... LAUGHTER

The chancellor has created a new department.

What's it called and what will it do?

It's called the Office of Budgetary Regulation,

and it will ask Robert Peston what's happening.

-Hm.

-Not a good idea?

I think if you take the view that it's been many years

since the Treasury's figures were...

-Accurate.

-..close to the truth...

then maybe subcontracting it isn't such a bad idea.

Are you saying they made them up, previous occupants of the Treasury?

-Some people would say that...

-Would you?

-Strictly impartial BBC.

-If you were some people.

-If I was somebody else...

-What would you say?

I would say that they take a rose-tinted view of these things.

These independent people who will blame the previous government,

-they will be appointed by the present government.

-Yes.

-So they'll independently decide the last government was rubbish.

-Yes.

But they don't have to, because the last government's people sent little notes!

That man, Liam Byrne, who was Secretary to the Treasury,

left a note on his desk saying, "There's no money, ha-ha-ha-ha-hah!"

I mean, it would be funny if it wasn't true!

"We've put the army on eBay."

Do you think our economy is now in safe hands?

Over to you, over to you.

Yes and no.

That's a coalition answer!

Here's George Osborne with his view,

appearing recently on the Andrew Marr show.

It's precisely because

the Conservative party will be irresponsible

after a decade of irresponsibility from the incumbent government...

-RE-sponsible?

-Responsible...

LAUGHTER

If there's no money, which they said there is...n't,

does that mean you now have nothing to talk about?

If there's no money, it means we're in a mess, and as you know,

the frequency of my appearances goes up.

ARMANDO: Right.

And the money you make from that goes back into the economy?

LAUGHTER

-That would be the solution to all our problems.

-Should we be worried

-by your appearance on this programme tonight?

-It probably means

-that things are all right this evening.

-OK, fine.

So, if halfway through this programme

you go, "Oh, my God!"

If I start to shake uncontrollably because my Blackberry is vibrating

in a manic way, and then I disappear,

sell everything.

Is it very, very bad?

-Do you remember how bad it was in the Autumn of 2008?

-Yes.

It could be at least as bad as that again. It could be.

You know the end of Reservoir Dogs? When they're all...

dead. Lying in pools of blood,

having killed each other. If that was a sort of standard...

..on the sort of Pestometer...

where are we at the moment?

Are we going to have to barter with Greece?

Are we going to be swapping chips for taramasalata?

LAUGHTER

How bad is the currency?

-The good news...

-Yeah, the good news?

The good news is things are a lot worse elsewhere.

-That's good news, is it?

-That's the good news.

You wouldn't believe it, looking at your reports.

-This is the last thing British banks needed.

-Absolutely.

They need this like a hole in the head.

Our banks have become chronically short of cash.

Normal commercial sources have more or less...dried up.

Here is what particularly worries me...

I'll start with something that SOUNDS like good news...

Louise, it's a mess.

Here's a really chilling statistic...

We might as well turn the lights off, get under the duvet and stay there.

You are really the fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse.

In an unexpected development, what will William Hague and Nick Clegg be sharing?

ARMANDO: They're sharing a big house.

It used to be the Foreign Secretary's house alone. But everything's shared now.

So a Lib Dem has the top floor

and the Tory has the bottom floor, in all houses.

Unless it's done proportionally...

LAUGHTER

..and Clegg gets one bedroom for every five...

..That Hague gets.

William Hague is, like me, a proud comprehensive school boy

and, of course, Nick Clegg we know went to

what is known as one of the better public schools.

You think there's an Upstairs, Downstairs thing

that's going to go on there?

Are you suggesting Hague's going to have to deliver breakfast?

It's a thought, isn't it?

I don't know, I see it more like Dick and Dom in da Bungalow.

LAUGHTER

Who are notable by their absence from the coalition cabinet?

Um, women.

And I think that's pretty outrageous.

A group of men, yet again, all the same age,

sitting behind desks,

-not one woman there...

-LAUGHTER

Seems to me a pretty shoddy...

arrangement for any sort of sensible organisation.

And I'm against it.

Indeed, the Home Secretary Theresa May,

she called her fellow women Ministers together

for a meeting to discuss this.

What has Vince Cable been given?

A car. Which he didn't know he had.

And so he wandered out of 10 Downing Street, got on a bus, the driver jumped onto the bus,

they wrestled with each other - he didn't realise what was going on.

Vince Cable was thrown off at Trafalgar Square, but rallied by the time he got to The Strand,

was back on the bus, threw the other guy off the bus and the fight went on all night.

Let's relive part of that.

The Lib Dems are going to have to get used to the trappings of power.

Here, Mr Cable walks away, happy in possession of an important ministerial post.

Vince!

This is your car!

Yes. His driver shouting, "Vince, this is your car."

He then followed his charge until the new Business Secretary finally got the message.

I'm going to hate myself for saying this,

but is it a Cable car?

It was brewing, and I didn't know whether to let it go.

We should show the man some respect because that's more than the BBC reporter,

James Landale. I think it's common courtesy to ask someone a question

when you're jabbing a finger at them, but James doesn't.

This morning, Vince Cable told the Cabinet that the interim relations think an arranged marriage

is a good thing. But is all this a marriage of convenience, or a genuine partnership that can last?

Ian, you alluded to this earlier.

What did the new Treasury Secretary, Lib Dem David Laws find on his desk

when he arrived in the office on his first day?

You're right, I did allude to it, in the sense that I said it.

LAUGHTER

But led me allude again...

What did it actually say?

It said... I think it apologised, didn't it?

It said, "I'm sorry, but there isn't any money."

ARMANDO: "Best of luck."

Best of luck!

Does anyone remember a previous note that Liam Byrne wrote?

Is this the cappuccino/soup memo?

Yes, I can give you the exact timetable.

It was entitled, "Working with Liam Byrne". It declared...

To be fair, someone working with Liam Byrne has said...

Now of course he goes to a soup kitchen.

Who else has left notes for their successors down the years?

Tony Blair, he left a note for Brown.

It just said, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

-Reginald Maudling left a note for James Callaghan.

-Yeah.

He said he'd left the place a bit of a mess.

-And he called him "Old Cock".

-He did! He said...

Callaghan thought he meant the state of the office

until he looked at the books.

And there was a rumour that when Clinton handed over to George W Bush,

all the staffers stuck the "W" letters on all the keyboards down

so that they wouldn't work for all the people coming in.

Yeah, but that assumes Bush was able to write.

-Would anybody want to buy a tankard commemorating the coalition?

-Yes!

-I'd love to.

-£29.95.

-A bargain.

-Yeah.

-Where can I get it?

-Manufactured by Aynsley China.

He just doesn't do Ready Steady Cook, you know?

According to the advert...

Probably when the coalition falls apart.

I love the fact they call it a tankard rather than a mug.

If that doesn't appeal to you, you could always buy a box of tea bags

in the shape of the French President, Nicolas Sarkozy.

That's life-size.

Over in the Labour camp, who has thrown their hat into the ring

as regards the leadership?

Gordon Brown?

Very popular now.

The Miliband brothers.

It's a very odd idea, both brothers saying, "We are going to bring unity to the party."

They can't even bring it to their own family!

let's have a look at them. One's a bit of a geeky nerd and...

so is the other one.

Is there an obscure third Miliband?

That we just don't know about? Pete Miliband.

Or perhaps a sister. Millie Miliband.

On the subject of high-ranking politicians,

does anybody want to see the Ukrainian president being hit on the head with a wreath?

-Yes, I would love to see that.

-Yes, please.

-Thank goodness for that. Here we go.

Well, there we are. You can laugh at anything, can't you?

Well, it's the first week of the new politics. The important business

of government has already begun with the divvying up of grace and favour mansions.

David Cameron, of course, gets Chequers. But, unusually,

Chevening House will be shared between Nick Clegg and William Hague

which, for staff, will mean laying out two sets of towels, two bathrobes, two flannels

and one comb.

Much has been made of David Cameron's privileged background,

but he's not the only old Etonian who's currently leading the government.

The Prime Minister of Thailand also went to Eton. And look what a good job he's doing.

Nick Clegg explained the success of the coalition, saying,

Bullshit/Bollocks.

Meanwhile the Labour leadership contest has got underway,

with the party keen to offer members as wide a range of candidates as possible,

drawn from all sides of the Miliband family.

My money's on Auntie Maureen.

This week, David Miliband insisted the battle with his brother

will not be personal and will be fought solely on the main issues.

namely, the economy, the environment, political reform

and the fact that "He drew a willy on my Blue Peter annual."

Paul and Robert, here's yours.

Oh, right. Pizza delivery man, David Beckham,

and that's Lord Teasman, is it, something like that?

-Triesman.

-Triesman, he's been caught out by the Mail On Sunday.

That's Wembley, being repainted during half-time,

and that's Gary Lineker, the well-known crisp salesman.

Our bid to host the World Cup's been slightly ruined by some bloke

claiming the Spanish and Russians were going to bribe referees

at the forthcoming finals, and we've now got to look to our laurels,

and try to get it back for the country,

but it doesn't matter, cos it's televised anyway.

Lord Triesman is alleged to have told his lady friend

that the Spanish would support the Russian bid for 2018,

if the Russians would help Spain by bribing referees in South Africa.

Allegedly, he was canoodling with a civil servant when he was in the Government,

and allegedly, she took her story to Max Clifford.

Now, when have you ever heard that happening? Quite extraordinary.

-Particularly with someone in the FA.

-Hmm.

Certainly wouldn't happen to footballers, or England managers.

-Or politicians.

-Or slappers.

Straight to Max, there's a special door marked "slappers in".

In they go!

-Is it like a cat flap, do you hear it go?

-Yeah.

"There's another one in the kitchen."

The boss of the Spanish Football Association

responded to Lord Triesman's xenophobic remarks by saying,

Yes, because it's usually the Italians, isn't it?

Right, first of all...

First of all, your opening line is,

"There's that pizza-trading tiddly Itie wop-faced loon who's come on the show,"

and then you talk about corruption and the Italians,

and the camera, I notice, goes straight on me!

When they mentioned the joke about baldness, it cut to Ian,

he didn't complain.

-But that was funny!

-Oh, I see.

-Hindsight.

-When this story broke,

there were many calls for...

..after doing the indecent thing, and letting someone else fall on it.

I notice you've dropped the "allegedly" from that part!

Suddenly not too bothered about it?

What is the evidence for an affair between Lord Triesman and Melissa Jacobs?

-Texts.

-Yes.

Not just texts.

-Flirty texts.

-Racy texts.

-Racy,

ie, not much.

That's why I was worried about you not saying "allegedly" earlier.

-Well...

-I'd hate you to get into trouble, Eamonn.

-No, so would I.

-Those prison rations, pretty slim.

On second thoughts...

I could get you some good pizza.

She also kept a blog, called Sex, Lies, And OCD,

in which she wrote,

Tell me about it, love.

Unfortunately for Lord Triesman, who denies that the couple were physically intimate,

Tuesday's Sun ran with this.

And then if you look further down...

Ian, how would you do it? If you were in charge of selling this England bid for 2018,

how would you sell England?

I'd adopt the slogan, "Don't come here."

"Football's going to someone else's home," I would sing.

Anybody to better that one?

I don't think so, I think he's caught the mood of the nation.

We have to worry about it. Somebody has got to save the FA.

Lord Sugar. He said...

That's the couple of people.

We don't know whether he's got the temperament

to tackle the big questions, though, as you'll see from this.

How does this region get out of recession?

Oh, shit. Don't ask me.

This is England's World Cup bid,

and the spectacular own goal scored by the Mail On Sunday,

with an assist from Lord Triesman.

Football insiders first suspected that Lord Triesman was having an affair,

when they noticed Wayne Bridge refusing to shake his hand.

The details of Lord Triesman's romp with a younger woman shocked many England footballers,

who couldn't understand why none of his mates were there watching.

So, at the end of that round,

it's two points each.

APPLAUSE

Coming up later in the programme, buy one, get one free,

the double banana that's causing a storm in the fruit world.

But first, our picture spin quiz.

Fingers on the buzzers. Take it away.

BUZZER

Robert and Paul.

Well, Eamonn.

-Don't ask me!

-I've recently been in Hertfordshire looking at magic tortoises

and also this is a story about a man who...

What's going on?

This is a man who spent six years trying to finish

a puzzle and realised there was a piece missing when he got to the end

and the piece was found inside his cat and it's been removed from the cat

and placed back on the board and he's very happy. He's solved the puzzle.

I haven't solved this puzzle, but he solved that puzzle.

-Absolutely spot on.

-I wouldn't have bothered otherwise.

Jack Harris. 86 years of age, Jack. Seven and a half years doing a jigsaw puzzle.

-5,000 pieces.

-Yeah.

-Except one.

Where does Jack think that missing piece might be?

Is it down the back of YOUR sofa, Eamonn?

-No.

-Is it Gibraltar?

-No.

-Is it not in a cat?

-Rescued from a hospital?

-Close. Close.

-A dog?

Could be either in the dog or in the bin.

Can he not look?

At least in the bin!

And then, you know, through a process of elimination...

Now, the really tragic side to this was that not only did he lose the piece...

Can you put on a sad face?

-No, this is sad.

-This is daytime TV.

-Yes.

-"The really..."

The really tragic part,

was that the manufacturers had stopped making Jack's jigsaw.

Aaw!

But they did do what?

They made a piece specially for Jack! Happy face, Eamonn.

Happy face, Ian. Well done!

Well done. They did that.

-Fantastic.

-Yeah.

And I want to show you what a difference this made to Jack's life.

This is Jack thinking he was never going to see his little piece again.

And this was Jack overjoyed that his jigsaw was now complete.

Is that somebody telling you this item's gone on long enough?

Somebody talking to me there?

You're not psychic are you?

Does the name Elvis Presley mean anything to anybody here?

Oh, you're telling me what the jigsaw was called?

Oh, right, yeah. Apparently, news just in...

-Yeah, "the Return of the Prodigal Son".

-Yeah!

-I can read it from here.

-LAUGHTER

I've never been able to read this autocue, I didn't know we had one.

I thought everybody in the middle was just really bright.

This is 88-year-old jigsaw fanatic Jack Harris,

who, after spending seven years completing his jigsaw,

discovered that the final piece was missing.

The story came about because there was one small space

that needed to be filled in Mr Harris's jigsaw

and one far larger space that needed to be filled in national newspapers.

Or, indeed, national television programmes.

On Monday, as the missing jigsaw piece made national news,

jigsaw manufacturer Falcon Games told the press...

However, 24 hours later, a new statement was issued...

..said the new head of PR, as the old head of PR sat at home in his pyjamas

and started work on a 5,000-piece jigsaw.

Fingers on buzzers, please.

BUZZER The Queen Mother,

even though she was Queen and, at one point, empress of half the world, was actually quite frugal.

When people were watching television, they had to gather round a tiny little telly.

Which she rented and she had only half a corgi.

That picture there was taken

seconds before she kicked that corgi over a ten-foot hedge.

That's not strictly true, this story, is it? That she was frugal.

It is, according to her former equerry, Ashe Windham.

He said, whilst staying at her highland retreat,

apparently she preferred to rent...

On which she could see the racing as she put a 500 grand bet on

Filly Boy at Uttoxeter and it went down the tubes.

What other evidence was there of a frugal and slightly depressing lifestyle?

When she choked on the fish bone 20 years ago, it wasn't the first time.

She'd had the same fish back in 1938.

It was to stop guests using too much hot water.

A tactic she also employed on the gin bottles when Princess Margaret came to call.

She was losing out with the telly. If she hasn't got widescreen,

she'd watch the horse racing and never see who wins. Runs off the end.

-Yeah.

-She'd move it across the room as the race went on.

There's always an answer, isn't there?

-Very canny, these people.

-They didn't get where they are today by marrying people.

This is the claim by former Royal equerry, Ashe Windham,

that contrary to her extravagant reputation, the Queen Mother was extremely frugal.

Apparently the Queen Mother rented an ancient television to watch her favourite shows,

like Antiques Roadshow or, as she called it, Tomorrow's World.

OK, fingers on buzzers. Here is another picture.

-BUZZER

-Robert.

It was a seaside town, I think Bournemouth,

that put a load of sandbags under the sea to create waves...

To create a surfer's paradise.

and unfortunately, they've created waves,

-but they're not the kind you can surf on.

-You're spot on.

It was meant to turn Boscombe into this.

But actually, instead, it created this.

Would you like to see the councillor responsible for that £3 million mess up?

Yeah, let's bring him out here!

Here he is.

We're disappointed that the reef isn't performing better at this stage

but it is innovative marine engineering.

I'm not surprised that it needs some optimising.

LAUGHTER

Does he work for BT in his spare time?

According to the Telegraph, the reef is producing...

Are you a surfer, Eamonn?

-Can't swim.

-That would give you an edge, wouldn't it?

-Probably.

-LAUGHTER

It'd be exciting, wouldn't it?

You'd be all right in that water, though.

No, no, no. I went filming with the Holiday programme to the Dead Sea.

And they said, "It doesn't matter if you can't swim, everybody floats in the Dead Sea.

I didn't.

LAUGHTER

Surfers responded to the failure of the leak in the strongest possible terms, saying,

"Yeah, dude, whatever. We'll go to Newquay instead."

Boscombe Council are considering a change of plan.

They're now going to turn their waters into a genuine, Florida-style surfer beach environment

by emptying out a few million barrels of oil.

Which means, at the end of this round, it is...

Ian and Armando on three,

Paul and Robert on four.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Paul and Robert, your four are...

Lady Gaga, Turkish Imams, Russell Crowe and Robert Peston.

Russell Crowe was in the news.

He was interviewed by Mark Lawson on Radio 4, I think

and walked out because it was questioned

whether his accent was Irish as Robin Hood.

So Robert, has anyone ever questioned your vocal delivery?

Um...well, my...

We might be on to something here.

My broadcasting style is... Some people love it.

Some people don't quite love it so much.

There's been comments.

You're the Marmite of economics correspondents.

Brown and sticky? What does that mean?

The Turkish Imams, they're probably chanting early in the morning.

There's complaints about everyone's vocal inflections

apart from Lady Gaga who got into trouble for miming.

-Hmm...no.

-Lady Gaga doesn't sing at all.

Her voice is genetically modified

and comes out of a telephone on the top of her head.

The Russell Crowe thing, he changed his voice several times

during the film. That's what Lawson said. He was Irish for a bit

and Northern England for a bit.

Would you say that to his face?

Is he coming on?

I think they blew the budget on the sofa,

but that was money well spent.

They have all had voice coaching apart from...

-Robert.

-No.

-Oh, you've had voice coaching?

-You haven't?

-I haven't, but it's in the cuttings that I have.

Let's say I have had voice coaching.

Apparently he has, but Lady Gaga hasn't

because she is teaching herself to speak like the Queen.

The Sun revealed this week

that the pop sensation is trawling through footage

of Queen's speeches to perfect a cut-glass accent

before she tours here next month.

Did anyone see the headline in the Sun which came with this story?

Was it "PR man phones the Sun's showbiz column"?

Have a look at this.

Cos one of her singles, Ian, is called Poker Face.

I knew that.

Want to sing it?

# Poker face you've got a poker face... #

In Istanbul, Imams are receiving coaching

to improve their singing voices

following complaints over their out-of-tune calls to prayer.

Russell Crowe definitely had voice coaching as his latest role as Robin Hood.

Who did he base his accent on?

I know this.

He said it was based on Michael Parkinson.

Which is why Robin Hood at the opening scene in the forest,

says, "Ladies and gentlemen, can I welcome Jamie Cullum."

Robin Hood sounds Irish in this film.

-Why is that?

-He's not very good at accents.

In a Radio 4 interview, Mark Lawson suggested there were hints of Irish

in Russell Crowe's portrayal of the Nottingham legend.

How did the actor respond?

He stormed out.

He said to Mark Lawson...

-IN IRISH ACCENT:

-"Don't come that old stuff with me!"

He hasn't got much support out there.

One critic at the Cannes Film Festival likened his accent to...

Voice coaching. Apparently, you do it three times a week.

One of the many made-up stories you've read about this.

According to The Independent,

you have, "undertaken voice-coaching three times a week since joining the BBC."

-Not true?

-Complete rubbish.

-Never once.

-When I...

-It's a simple question.

The rain in Spain...

When I joined, I had a variety of bits of training.

All of which were wasted on me, but voice coaching wasn't one of them.

According to the Independent, since joining the BBC...

-He hasn't.

-It's all bollocks.

-PROJECTING VOICE:

-It's all bollocks!

I have never attended a voice coaching lesson in my life.

People of Britain, run for the hills!

According to the Telegraph...

My spring hasn't been coiled since 1983.

Aw!

Ian and Armando, here is yours.

David Walliams, 50,000 Hindu couples in Mumbai,

a robot in Japan, and two Yorkshire terriers in Brazil.

Marriage? David Walliams got married this week...to a lady.

-50,000 Hindu couples got married in a mass marriage.

-These dogs.

-Did two dogs get married?

There was a terrier marriage service conducted, exchanged bow wows.

-GROANS

-I'm quoting the paper.

And the robot in Japan, they've now got a robot that conducts marriages.

-So the odd one out is?

-The robot because it conducts marriages. All the others have got married.

-Spot on. Well done.

-APPLAUSE

Will we have a look at the robot conducting? Here we go.

THEY SPEAK IN JAPANESE

It's going on.

Ah, wasn't that nice.

Lovely.

Hang on, you're on the wrong programme, we don't go, "Isn't that lovely?" A stupid robot.

Two Yorkshire terriers, they were called Bruna and Louis.

They're from Brazil. They were married this weekend.

Let's have a look at proceedings.

This reception went on longer than expected because the groom kept retrieving the bouquet.

So the dogs had a special day. Does anyone know what it involved?

Taking their owners for help.

-Having their owners sectioned under the Mental Health Act?

-No. There were 200 guests there.

The bride, she wore a custom-made wedding dress and there was a cake made out of dog food.

Presumably, the music was by Johann Sebastian Bark.

GROANS

Do you think one day we'll replace presenters with robots?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

As long as you all think you can do it, mate.

-You see, this wedding wasn't perfect. Something...

-No, they were dogs!

Of course it wasn't perfect. It wasn't a wedding.

Did one of the happy couple shit on the floor?

-Yeah, and the brides' mother stuck her nose in it.

-It was to do with the timing.

-It was to do with the timing.

-Timing?

-Yes. Apparently, it should have been in July.

The reason being, Bruno would be in heat then.

What - the magazine?

The answer is they all got married this week apart from the Japanese robot who officiated that wedding.

According to The Times...

They've obviously never been to an Irish wedding then.

Two Yorkshire terriers were given a lavish wedding in Brazil.

It's the first time the vicar has ever uttered the phrase, "You may now sniff the bride's arse."

Except there was that Jeremy Kyle programme.

It's time for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication,

Meatpaper, the journal of meat culture. Always worth a butcher's, I think.

And we start with...

Is it exorcise Dimbleby?

BBC appoints vicar to bless new broadcasting centre at Salford.

Yes...

ARMANDO: Nick Clegg.

It's an antique. It's more dangerous than expensive.

An old hand grenade. An old bomb.

This is a Cumbrian man who gave his mum an unexploded World War II bomb to use as a doorstop.

one of the few ideas Prince Charles hasn't tried yet.

Rumpy pumpy in the duckpond.

Hanky Panky In The Henhouse starts next week on BBC Three.

This is from Meatpacker?

Yeah.

-Meatpacker?!

-Is the paper not called Meatpacker?

-Meatpaper!

-Meatpaper.

Meatpacker?!

Different thing.

A wider circle of readership, I think you'll find.

I've wandered into a zone of which I know very little.

Let me take you by the hand...

I'll lead you through the backstreets of London

and show you something that'll make you change your mind.

This is a rare breed of hybrid chicken that was born

with two extra funny-looking wings.

The hybrid chicken is a female.

Experts say, had it been male,

it would have been born with two extra nuggets.

It's from the Sun. Houdini "taught us" everything we know!

According to the Sun...

He was returned by the postal workers,

which was the slowest he had ever travelled.

Balls of meat!

When life gives you balls of meat, make meatballs.

What would balls of meat be called?

Spheroids.

Flesh spheroids.

The waste, the waste, the meat waste is...?

The meat waste... Slurry, with a fringe on top. Gristle.

No?

When life gives you sinews...

-Tripe!

-If life gives you tripe, make meatballs.

-What's tripe?

-Innards.

-Offal!

-Offal!

-Very good.

According to our Meatpaper - packer - magazine...

The motto of the National Union of Kebab Shop Owners, as well.

And finally...

Fat blokes on trampolines?

Weebles?

No, it's a vegetable that a lot of people would think

doesn't taste very nice.

-Cauliflower.

-Yes!

-I like a bit of cauliflower.

-Apparently, sales have declined.

It's not fashionable, people don't know how to cook it. Tragic.

It's very good for you, as well.

Don't put the curse on it.

This is news that sales of cauliflowers have dropped

by 5% in the last year,

although sales of the vegetable in Scotland have remained steady,

at zero.

The final scores, let's look at those.

Ian and Armando, they're on five.

Oh! That's ludicrous!

But stealing it, Paul and Robert on eight!

Wow! Congratulations.

APPLAUSE

Excellent. Before we go, just time for the caption competition.

Ian and Armando have this.

ARMANDO: Camerons take a relaxed approach to security.

Tube fare rises excessive.

ARMANDO: Where've you put your Oyster card?

Mind the gap.

Paul and Robert, you get this.

Squirrel puzzled by mirror.

One squirrel saying to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, I'm shy."

-AUDIENCE GROANS

-Thank you very much!

On which note, we say thank you to Ian Hislop and Armando Iannucci,

Paul Merton and Robert Peston.

I leave you with news that Lembit Opik reflects

on what might have been as he starts his first day in his new job.

Port Stanley hosts the first ever Falkland Islands Gay Pride March.

At the treasury, the new Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne,

turns up for his first day at work

determined not to make any silly mistakes.

And a secretly taken photograph in Peter Mandelson's garden

reveals what it took to get Gordon Brown to resign.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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