Episode 5 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Damian Lewis.

In the news this week there's disappointment as one member

of the Chipping Norton Amateur Dramatics Society

realises he's only been given one line in this year's panto.

LAUGHTER

Heading home after a long night, two passengers put on a brave face

when they have to take the rail replacement bus service.

Liverpool Council deny wasting money on a new initiative

to check occupancy levels in high-rise flats.

And, at a hotel on location,

after his producer's husband turns up unexpectedly,

Andrew Marr decides to go back to his own room.

With Ian tonight is the leader of UKIP, who was once the subject

of a BBC documentary, which in the end they decided not to show.

Only, in that instance, it wasn't because they'd made

a Christmas special celebrating him as a national treasure.

Oh, thank you very much(!)

-Please welcome Nigel Farage MEP.

-Charming!

APPLAUSE

And with Paul is a star of cult movie This Is Spinal Tap,

and The Simpsons. He does the voice of evil tycoon Mr Burns,

which many people assume is based on Rupert Murdoch.

He also voices the character of Smithers - yellow, fawning but ultimately powerless.

Presumably based on Nick Clegg.

Please welcome Harry Shearer.

APPLAUSE

And let's get started with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Harry. Can you take a look at this?

This is the Muppets protesting the fact that

Romney threatened to cancel the funding for Big Bird.

-And there's a man of decision. "I'll go... Oh, no, I'll go..."

-Where's the loo?

Indoor fireworks. Yes, Barack Obama has won.

Chicago was going to have the Olympics, they had confetti left over.

These people are too young to be that disappointed.

"And STILL I don't know where to vote." Yeah.

Yes, this is the American election, Barack Obama's won convincingly.

-Did you stay up?

-No, but I wasn't voting. Or, indeed, running.

I knew I'd find out in the morning.

What's Radio 4 for?

Radio 4-4, is there two of them?

-Radio 4-4?

-I was really grateful that I was over...

Is there a Radio 2 too?

-Sorry, Harry.

-Radio 1-1 makes 11.

-I was grateful to be in this time zone.

-"Look, it goes to 11."

-Oh, yeah!

-Aah!

-Knew it would happen.

-Spinal Tap joke!

Got there early. Oh, I'm so, SO happy I've got that in.

They should have had a digest. I watched it

and it's lots of people saying, "Too close to call, too close to call,

-"neck-and-neck... Oh, he's won easily."

-Yeah.

-Did I see you on ITV?

-You were on ITV?

-Yeah, I made a brief appearance.

-You saucy little monkey!

-Was it a good night?

-It was a terrific night. I went to the American Embassy.

A woman said, "Are you a Democrat or a Republican?"

I said, "I don't get a vote," and she gave me a Republican badge

and said, "There's a lot of these."

And I thought, "I think I know which way this one's going."

Isn't the story here that 93% of black voters voted for Obama,

over 70% of the Hispanics voters voted for Obama,

and actually the Republicans have had it in America.

That was what one Republican said afterwards.

"What's the problem here?" "We're not generating enough angry white guys."

We've got to start producing more of them!

-With 23 million unemployed, you'd think there'd be enough angry white guys around.

-Yep.

-IN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-You said "voders" - are you Far-arge? Nigel Farage?

What would you park you car in?

-Are you accusing him of having a dodgy American accent?

-No!

-It's fine.

Yes, there does seem to have been a bit of an election in the US this week. That's right, gents.

To try to boost their campaign, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan had one last-minute push in Ohio.

Anyone know what they christened this effort of theirs?

Titanic?

-The Blip, The Disaster, The Good Thing.

-The Blitz.

They called it...

Bit inconsiderate towards Japanese Americans.

Our Prime Minister, he tweeted away like crazy.

-Anyone know what he tweeted?

-They'd been to a baseball match together.

He's now on Obama's side, the Tory Party now support the left-wing party. Is that right?

They're only left by... no-one's terms, aren't they?

Obama's domestic policy is severely to the right of Richard Nixon's.

The Americans have a conservative party,

-and a very conservative party.

-That's right!

Then they have a Tea Party, which you just don't want to know.

So our Prime Minister tweeted...

Well, now he's not allowed to text Rebekah Brooks any more...!

As always, during the campaign there were accusations

of negative campaigning, slurring, attempts at media manipulation. Anyone see any examples of that?

There was a landmark moment where, in the early part of the campaign,

that is to say, in 1978...

..Obama's supporters were criticising him

for not saying that Romney lied.

-They spent £2.5 billion on...

-Dollars.

-Yeah, dollars.

And in the final bit, the adverts were about

-who would waste most money in America.

-That's right!

By the way, in an 18-month election cycle,

you could gestate an entire elephant in that time.

There was this widely distributed image.

How'd they get the dog to stay on his face like that?

There were some technical issues with voting machines, did anyone see that story?

Yes, there was a voting machine where a person kept pressing

the button for Obama and the machine kept registering Romney.

-Oooh!

-That's absolutely right.

BEEPING

HARRY: It's magic!

And he still lost!

These things are harder to fix than you think.

That's an appalling accusation!

Top US political expert - ahem - Piers Morgan

was on hand with his customary insightful analysis

on the day of the election.

-What bombshells did he come up with?

-Did he predict a Clinton win?

He revealed...

Thanks for that, Piers.

-Of course it's quite important during the campaign to keep control of your image.

-Yes.

Obama seems to have had the edge there too over Mr Romney.

Here's one that was released of him.

And here's one that emerged of Mitt Romney.

That's not a photograph, he wouldn't be posing in it.

If you want normal people to resonate with you,

-have a helicopter behind you, not a jet.

-Yeah, exactly.

He told the story of having a house being built for him

on the coast in California that had a car lift.

He told that to identify with normal people!

Anyone know about the Eyebrow Index?

Yeah. The longer, shorter, thicker or slightly less dense eyebrow,

the more or less chance you've got of winning or losing in an election.

Anyway, the advice was that Romney should go pluck himself!

Mitt Romney became famous for his gaffes during the campaign.

-Anyone remember any of his gaffes?

-"I like firing people", was one he said a few months back.

-He actually said, "I like to be able to fire people".

-Yes.

There was a particularly surreal one which he said back in January.

Although that was probably just an autocue error, to be fair,

autocue...error... to just be fair, probably.

The day before the election he was heard to say to

one of his final rallies,

"Tomorrow is the beginning of a better tomorrow."

There was also the awkward one at the fundraiser, he didn't realise he was being recorded.

Nigel, a bit far, or pretty standard right-wing nut-job stuff?

Well...

Romney admitted to having strapped his dog to the top of the car

for a 12-hour drive from Boston to Ontario.

Nigel, bit far or pretty standard right-wing nut-job stuff?

And then his wife's plane was forced to land

after smoke was detected, and he told the press...

Nigel?

-Anything to... You?

-No, I'm sorry.

-Nothing.

-I mean, even UKIP on a bad day can't compete with Romney.

No, quite.

The big news this week is the election of the Coptic Pope

after the last Pope copped it.

LAUGHTER

It's my favourite joke of the evening, I tell you.

Oh, dear. It's going to be a long one!

Let's have a look at how you choose a new Coptic Pope. Yeah.

Bishop Tawadros.

He was 60, qualified as a pharmacist,

and Father Rafael Ava Mina.

There we are, he's picking out one of them.

The boy put his hand on and picked it.

Let's just hear whether we can pick up the name that's announced

as the new leader of the Coptic Church in Egypt.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ah, what we have is the name being shown

and I'm afraid my Arabic is not up to telling you what that is,

but I'm sure we will know very shortly.

Will play Blackburn Rovers.

Yes, it's the US election.

The result was in the balance until the last minute.

Mind you, if Americans think THAT election was exciting,

just wait until Britain elects its regional Police Commissioners.

Explaining the complexities of the Electoral College system

to its readers, the Mirror described it as...

A figure that UKIP can only dream of, eh, Nigel?

One Romney supporter who took defeat badly was Donald Trump,

who tweeted...

All right, Donald, keep your hair on!

GASPING

Whoa!

Somebody gave birth at the same time as you did that joke.

Ian and Nigel, will you take a look at this?

-Ah, the lady of the moment.

-Nadine Dorries. That's Oz.

-Yeah.

Denis MacShane, in a helmet.

And these are elderly computers.

The last time I was on this programme, Ian, in fact,

-you had a very serious dig at me because I'd been accused...

-Surely not!

-No, honestly!

I was very surprised about it.

-Mmm.

-I needed counselling.

-I did.

-I can't remember anything about it.

Was it £2 million of expenses?

Apparently... That's right.

The guy that accused me of misusing £2 million of tax-payers' money

-was none other than Denis...

-MacShane.

-Scumbag MacShane.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Who, whilst he was accusing me of this,

in fact, used tax-payers' money

and over the course of 18 months bought eight laptops

and gave them to assistants and interns as gifts.

But worse than that, took £125,000 of tax-payer's money

as rent for his garage,

which he said was his office. And then set up an organisation

called the European Policy Institute,

claimed expenses on that, and was actually signing fraudulent cheques.

So I feel pretty embittered.

-Although, Nigel, you did have a meeting with Andrew Neil recently, didn't you?

-Yes...

-After you said in 2009...

-Hang on, we haven't finished this yet! I'm still enjoying expenses.

You'd start publishing your expenses quarterly, but you still don't?

-We're doing them six-monthly instead.

-Let's have a quick look.

There's no information about your expenses since December 2011. That's nearly a year.

Yep. In fact, we're doing it every six months, not quarterly,

-that seemed more practical. You're quite right...

-You haven't done it this year at all.

I haven't done it this year at all,

because I simply haven't had time to do it.

There's a big difference here. LAUGHTER

There's a very big difference here.

These are not expenses that I'm claiming for,

these are ALLOWANCES that I'm given, cos that's the European system,

and voluntarily, what I do is publish this stuff online,

which I've done once every six months since 2009.

No story, sorry.

-Can we get back to the other guy?

-No story.

I'm sure there IS a story. But we mustn't let off the other guy.

No point going back into history, let's get back to him.

-Cos he deserves it.

-Not only did MacShane falsify invoices,

not only did he claim expenses that he had no right to,

not only did he sign bits of paper, but he's furiously pro-European.

Well, that is even more serious, isn't it?

-Well, I think...

-Which I would suggest is probably, what, two years, three years?

-Minimum!

I cannot understand why no-one spotted it,

cos he set up this Policy Institute, signed the cheques himself,

under the name of Mr Michael Mouse!

-Really?

-No, I made that bit up.

Anyway, he might go to jail, do you think?

-He will.

-You think he definitely will?

-Absolutely, no question. He's to go to jail.

-MPs have gone to jail for far less than what he's done.

-Yeah.

-And he deserves it.

-Right.

-Scumbag!

If he does go down, he might want to dress a little bit differently.

There he is. That's him putting an expense claim in

for the imaginary pair of trousers he's wearing.

He's had to resign after submitting false invoices.

According to The Sun...

And still Comet went bust.

What are your feelings about Nadine Dorries?

-There were pictures of her topless, weren't there?

-Topless?!

Yeah. Topless.

Really? What, with no head?

Well, there's a big debate going on. Is Nadine going to defect to UKIP?

And I thought...

That is the big debate(!)

Everywhere I go, is she going to go? I don't know, please, tell us!

She was on this team with you, wasn't she?

She was here. A lot of people think she's slightly unhinged

and that going to be on a reality show

when you're meant to be in Parliament is a bad move,

but if you think that would be a good member of your party, go for it!

I didn't say it would!

She's gone off to be on I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here, and Parliament's actually sitting.

There are loads of votes, she's not going to help her constituents,

a lot of people in Parliament are quite cross.

Does she get her salary while she's away on a reality show?

-She does.

-Oh, that's nice.

-Recently, she said...

I'll tell you what, Nadine,

millions of people watched a bloke leap out of a balloon from the edge of space, if you're interested!

APPLAUSE

She did tell people that she's going to do this

in order to raise important issues.

Do you think she's ever seen the programme?

Eric Pickles had something to say about it. Have a look at this.

Well, I shall be watching it, for the first time for a long time.

And, as I say, I shall be ringing in religiously every week

to keep her there!

APPLAUSE

Conservative whips responded by suspending her

until she explains her actions -

news that Heat Magazine felt it necessary

to impart to their readers, adding...

..said their chief political correspondent.

She's famous for calling David Cameron and George Osborne...

Though, once the Bushtucker Trials start with those bits of kangaroo,

she'll be the one with the plum in her mouth.

And the public are very vindictive, aren't they?

They just vote for whoever they hate most

to do the most unpleasant thing,

time after time, until they crack.

Nigel, have you been asked?

No, I haven't. No, I won't be going.

I'd like to be invited to the American Embassy at some point.

There was burgers, chips, free beer.

-It was worth it, though.

-Were you scanned?

-Scanned.

-Yeah. I had to give my mother's maiden name.

-Probed?

-Probed? Of course. Why do you think I went?

-OK.

Meanwhile, who else has misunderstood

the nature of their job at Westminster

in the last couple of weeks?

Nick Clegg?

Been more than the last few weeks, hasn't it?

-Ken Clarke.

-Thank you.

He said he doesn't know what his new Government job is,

describing his role of Minister without Portfolio as being...

Or as you would say, Nigel.

Baffling!

So, who's EJ Matthews, and what's he got to do with all of this?

-He doesn't actually exist, does he?

-No.

Or is he the turkey man?

No, it's Bernard Matthews, and he doesn't exist either.

He no longer exists either. He's not...

That's right, he doesn't exist,

but Denis MacShane pretended he did, allegedly.

Did he used to have phone calls with him,

and pretend he was talking to him in front of other people?

He said, "Would you like to sign off these expenses?"

And he'd go, "Yes, Denis, I will."

Denis said the fabrication was for...

I'd call it fiddling, but Nigel would call it...

Baffling!

Time has come, Nigel.

We're moving on from this story, in a roundabout sort of way.

Time to talk about the EU budget.

So, Britain pays into the European Union £53 million a day,

but that, according to the Commission

and the European Parliament, isn't enough,

and it's got to be upped substantially,

but the House of Commons voted for it to be reduced.

Which way did your lot vote?

Oh, well, our lot aren't really there, are they?

I knew that, I just asked!

Our lot would have voted for the amount that goes to Brussels to be zero, every day.

HARRY: Well, may I suggest that your position be

that Britain owe the money to the EU, but just not get around to paying it?

-Excellent.

-We could do that, but it's...

Through not having enough time.

But it's not a very... Ha-ha!

No, no. I took the money first.

No, no.

Why else is he in a bit of bother, Mr Cameron, our leader?

-Rebekah Brooks.

-Ah, texting.

Mmm. A couple of texts have been released,

and there are others, but they're not relevant.

Yeah, but those two weren't relevant last time, either.

They're going to come out slowly. It's like a big, long soap opera, which is great.

Was it about fast, exciting rides, or something? Was that right?

It was, and a lot of tabloid papers thought that was a reference to sex,

but it was horses.

-It was sex with horses, but it was horses.

-Yes.

In stark contrast to the glitzy show-biz razzamatazz of US politics,

one of Britain's leading political figures, Nadine Dorries,

is going on I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here.

Nadine Dorries justified her decision to appear, saying...

Quite. Why do you think I'm doing this show?

Sorry. Mmm?

Is that all?

What, including the repeat?

Embarrassing.

Nadine Dorries' appearance on I'm A Celebrity will

be the complete opposite of her experience as an MP.

When she's in the jungle, it'll be stupid people voting her out.

After the Tory Party suspended Nadine,

known to the tabloids as Mad Nad,

The Sun reported...

Come on, she may be mad, but she's not insane.

When told of Nadine Dorries' TV plans, Paul Duckett,

chairman of her Mid Bedfordshire constituency, declared...

Maybe, but being constituency chairman

of the Mid Bedfordshire Conservative Association

probably isn't one of them.

So, at the end of that round - dear, God, we made it - two points each.

APPLAUSE

And so to round two, the Strength-ometer of news.

Here is the first one.

BUZZER UKIP's now going to campaign

across the whole of Europe. That's what that flag means.

-Really?

-I think so.

-Who do you think you're kidding, Mr Farage?

-There you are.

This is the news that Britain has invaded 90% of the world's nations,

says author Stuart Laycock, who's written a book

claiming that Britain has invaded 171 out of a possible 193 countries.

Why is this statistic a little questionable?

It was made up!

Because Laycock has allowed for it to include

anywhere the British achieved a military presence.

..as well as incursions by any...

There are a few countries unlucky enough never to have enjoyed a British invasion. Sweden.

-Sweden, well...

-Not worth it.

The Marshall Islands. I don't know where they are.

Well, that's why they've never been invaded.

Nigel, are UKIP for or against invading other countries,

on the whole?

Erm...

If you had to, though.

Who'd be top of your list?

Oh, it's got to be Belgium.

It's pretty much a non-country, and we might do it a favour.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

HARRY: Give it a third language.

Whenever I say that, I get into terrible trouble. I can't think why.

It's all right.

This is just a co-production with a Belgian company.

In other news, when the Nazis were trying to invade us...

What you mean, in other news? When did this happen? Last week?

Those bastards never give up, do they?

Yes. In another article of interest, let's say that.

Meanwhile.

Who managed to get themselves stuck in a chimney

when the Nazis were attacking us back when?

Santa Claus.

NIGEL: A pigeon, wasn't it?

Wasn't there one of these pigeons coming back, carrying a message,

a house had been demolished, and they found round the leg a message?

That's a very good answer.

A carrier pigeon on its way to Bletchley Park, no less,

whose remains were recently fished out by a bloke

when he was restoring his fireplace.

Let's have a look at what he found.

What did the message say?

Here it is, here's the pigeon's note.

HARRY: That pigeon has good writing.

Odd, considering they have wings.

Yeah.

The parachute would just slow the pigeon down. It would start flying,

and it's got this wind-chute behind it, it'd slow it down.

They couldn't have thrown them out of planes wearing parachutes.

They couldn't have done that. It's impossible.

-I agree. Write in to the show.

-OK.

In your dealings,

have you ever found anyone who's responsible for these things?

You write it, right now.

"Dear Points Of View..."

"You must think we're all idiots."

"Yours sincerely, the British public."

The author estimates that Britain has invaded 171 countries -

only three less than Prince Philip has insulted.

The book claims that we even invaded Vietnam, in the 1600s,

so the Americans were late joining that one, as well.

Right, fingers on buzzers, please, teams.

BUZZER

Judging by the speech bubble,

is it something to do with Midlands accents are harder to understand

than any other accent?

And there's a particular irony to this answer.

-It's hard to understand your accent.

-Do you think so?

No, that would be the irony.

Oh, I see. Yes, indeed, absolutely.

You two are a brilliant team! This is teamwork!

I don't understand what I'm saying.

This is the news that an £11 million phone service

at Birmingham City Council is sending callers mad

because it can't understand Brummie accents.

According to The Sun, it demands an account reference number,

yet cannot cope with numbers such as "foive"...

"Severn"...

They don't all make that face when they're talking.

And "neoine"...

Apparently...

-IN A BIRMINGHAM ACCENT:

-Wonder why!

What does the machine do when it doesn't understand?

It electrocutes the applicant.

It apparently continuously says...

And according to the Telegraph, it remains...

Baffling!

Who's been particularly unimpressed by all of this?

The people who've paid for the system?

Birmingham Council?

-IN A BIRMINGHAM ACCENT:

-"They've all made idiots of us.

"We can't make this thing bloody work. What's the matter with it?"

"I keep pressing the blue thing and it keeps coming up 'Mitt Romney'.

"I'm trying to vote for Iraq Arama!"

Local councillor...

You could be local councillor Mike Leddy.

I am! I admit it! Ha-ha-ha!

And I would have got away with it all, if it hadn't been for you kids!

Just had one of those spells.

And here he is, here is Mike Leddy.

Go on, then. Where's Mike Leddy?

Looking unimpressed.

He's wearing a mask!

Look, his head's two times the size it should be!

He's not got ash-die, has he?

He told the Telegraph...

They haven't all got colds!

Do you know, I don't think you'll get the lead in Crossroads

when it comes back!

On the subject of speech, what have scientists discovered Koshik the elephant can do?

He can order marmalade in 15 different languages.

He can do it in one.

-No, he can simulate human speech.

-Another one? We had a whale last week that could do it.

Oh, they're such copycats. They watch the show and think,

"Oh, if the whale can do it, I can do it."

He puts his trunk in his mouth, and then blows the air in,

and it makes a sort of echo chamber, and it makes a human voice.

Is that legal, to put your trunk in your mouth and blow?

If I could do that, I'd never leave the house!

You couldn't pay people to do that?

-No, you couldn't. I've tried!

-He's an Indian elephant,

and he's learned to speak Korean, apparently, and here he is.

Joh-eun

Joh-eun

And that's Korean for good.

Yeah. He's patronising his keeper in a foreign language.

This is the new £11 million automated answering service

at Birmingham City Council

that can't understand the Birmingham accent.

The system is actually installed in the Rent Arrears Department.

According to the Telegraph,

it meant the council were able to cut the jobs of...

Who, ironically, are all now behind with their rent,

and have to speak to the very machine that put them out of a job.

Which means, at the end of the round,

it's Harry and Paul with three, Nigel and Ian with two.

APPLAUSE

Time now for The Odd One Out round.

Paul and Harry, your four are...

Verne Troyer,

President William Howard Taft,

Gordon Brown,

and Stuart Rodger.

-I've no idea. Any clues?

-They all got stuck.

Gordon Brown got stuck in Number Ten, it took years to get him out!

They tried greasing him and everything,

they couldn't get him through the door.

They all got stuck...

In lifts.

-..in the...

-Bog.

Yes, bathroom. Apart from Stuart Rodger,

who deliberately hid in the toilet for an hour,

in order to heckle David Cameron.

Was David Cameron in the same toilet as him? Took a while.

Next door.

Yeah.

What did he do when he finally emerged from the toilet?

Said, "I'd give it a minute if I were you."

He burst into a room where Cameron was talking and shouted...

You spend an hour in the toilet, you think you'd come up with something better than that.

He got 100 hours community service, heckling Michael McIntyre.

Tell us about President Taft. What did he do?

He was President of the United States, guess what number he was?

40, no. He was 27.

That's not right, is it?

Yeah, he's the 27th President of the United States!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I'm taking you to the track!

He once got himself stuck in the presidential bathtub.

He was the heaviest-ever President, weighing in at a whopping 21 stone.

Does anyone know how he managed to get out of the tub?

He went on a diet for a year.

And eventually walked out, on his own.

He soaped himself up.

He was rescued by a plumber from Birmingham.

"How did you get stuck in the bath like that?"

Six men apparently dislodged him with a...

Not to grease the sides, just to lure him out!

Taft was a one-term President, and that term was "fatso".

This year, Verne Troyer got stuck in an aeroplane toilet.

And Gordon Brown once locked himself in a toilet

and had to be freed by his arch-nemesis, Tony Blair.

After a year.

According to Blair, what actually happened was...

According to Campbell...

Leave it, leave it, just walk away!

Nothing to see here!

Then...

Brown was stuck in the toilet for 15 minutes, an embarrassing episode,

but on the plus side,

that was when he first had a go at quantitative easing.

Ding!

Ian and Nigel, here are yours.

Cyclops, Xi Jinping,

Osama Bin Laden and Fred Flintstone.

I think this is about caves,

because the Cyclops lived in a cave, when Odysseus and co came in.

Osama Bin Laden lived in a cave,

Fred Flintstone had a very nice cave

with all the mod cons and everything in it.

And the new leader of China doesn't live in a cave.

Yet.

That's not a great answer.

I reckon you're pretty good at this.

Very low bar.

They have all lived in a cave, except for Fred Flintstone,

who lived in a stone house with all mod cons.

Where does Fred Flintstone's catchphrase "Yabba-dabba-do"

-originally come from?

-Bill Clinton.

It was a slogan from way back. Not that far back.

A product slogan?

Thank you, thank you.

Soap.

Closer.

-Detergent.

-No.

Butter.

Gallon of butter.

According to the Internet,

apparently it comes from a Brylcreem slogan from the 1950s.

Talking of the Flintstones, Fred and Wilma's private life

expanded US social boundaries in the '60s. Why?

You could now sleep with cartoons?

They were the first couple to be shown in bed together

on prime-time TV.

Before that they had to be in single beds next to each other.

Oh, and Wilma was a crack whore.

Osama Bin Laden is reported to have lived in a cave in Afghanistan.

What did we learn recently about his beard?

It was 15 very specially-trained swallows.

He dyed it.

That's right, he dyed it.

According to a member of the Navy SEALs, Mark Owen.

What else was Mark surprised about

after looking through Osama's belongings?

There was a box set of The Wire?

He was surprised by how tidily Bin Laden kept his clothes.

Not all bad, then.

Along with his enemies.

Cyclops, in Greek mythology...

Is that Cyclops? Why has he got two eyes?

I don't think he has, has he?

Oh. OK.

That would be a Biclops.

He lived in a cave, according to Homer's Odyssey, of course,

so that's that.

Xi Jinping, China's next leader, I think we can be fairly certain,

once lived in cave, when his father was arrested

during the Cultural Revolution.

What will he get to control once he's running China?

He gets to control the world.

According to the Guardian, the world's largest armed forces.

And I think they're the biggest economy now, aren't they?

They've just overtaken America...

- Them's fighting words, mister!

How did Xi Jinping once respond to foreign critics of China?

He made very tiny poodles impersonate these enemies,

by the way they walked into a room.

So his enemies would come into the room,

and they'd see this special poodle had been trained

to take the piss out of him, basically.

And they would lose confidence, lose face, because in China,

if a dog imitates you, then that's really bad.

You are ashamed.

You know the culture well.

I do, yeah.

If you turn your back, and a Labrador's going like that at you...

get out of politics.

They've all lived in a cave, except Fred Flintstone.

After Odysseus' men sneak into the Cyclops' cave and steal his sheep,

the giant...

And that, according to the government's anti-burglar guidelines, is proportionate force.

Which means, at the end of this round,

it's Harry and Paul with four, Nigel and Ian with three.

No! It cannot be!

Time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication,

The Society For Clay Pipe Research newsletter.

Fantastic. I get this every month!

And we start with...

Self-abuse.

It fits.

Same thing!

This is from The Society For Clay Pipe Research newsletter,

which covers topics like...

And it still achieves a bigger circulation

than the UKIP newsletter!

Next...

Feed the poor.

It rhymes with that.

-Clean the floor?

-Yeah, they don't do anything, children. Get them working.

This is an invention that uses your baby to clean floors.

There is also a full-size version for husbands who come home drunk.

Next, Prince Charles...

This is him using pidgin.

I think it's I'm a number one piccaninny bilong missy Queen.

It's what he actually said.

Prince Charles is tour Down Under. Whilst on walkabout,

he wore a traditional Australian bushman's hat.

It was a present from his sons.

William donated the hat and Harry provided all the corks.

Next...

-Collect one more pipe.

-Sell his collection.

HARRY: No!

According to The Society For Clay Pipe Research newsletter,

Bill thinks his collection is worth £7,750.

Wow, Bill, what have you been smoking?

Next...

Snake! It's definitely snake.

He's got an antique snake, and we've paid £10,000 to have it restuffed.

Snake is the correct answer.

I've been saying it.

I've been saying nothing else but snake all night.

This the 100-year-old anaconda

in William Hague's department at the Foreign Office.

A spokesman explained...

..adding that the snake is in even worse condition.

Next...

BBC Health and Safety, basically.

They weren't allowed to point a radio transmitter into outer space

in case we got a reply back from a nearby planet,

another planetary civilisation of some kind.

If they replied back to us

that'd be a Health and Safety form to fill out, so it wasn't allowed.

Is the correct answer.

As part of his BBC programme,

Professor Brian Cox was investigating

a newly-discovered planet.

Isolated, remote, and with a poisonous atmosphere,

the BBC's going through a difficult period.

Next...

Pipe! Must be!

Hooray! is the correct answer.

The Society For Clay Pipe Research newsletter

featured an alien in a crop circle smoking a pipe.

A message to clay pipe smokers - you really ought to get out more.

And a message to crop-circle makers

- you really ought to stay in more.

And finally...

HARRY: Revealed as Iran's secret weapon.

Yeah, exactly.

The lead Morris man delivered

his most energetic dance performance ever, seconds after being Tasered!

So the final scores are, tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

Ian and Nigel have five, Harry and Paul have seven.

We demand a recount!

Just before we go, there's time for the caption competition.

Ian and Nigel have this...

Ah, Lord Black, nice of you to come.

HARRY: I've learnt to speak to elephants.

And Paul and Harry get that...

David Cameron warns against gay backlash.

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Nigel Farage, Paul Merton and Harry Shearer.

And I leave you with the news that, in Chicago,

one man regrets answering yes when his wife asks,

"Does my bum look big in this?"

On a tour of Papua New Guinea,

Prince Charles finalises his evening plans with his senior aide.

And after his narrow victory,

President Obama rings Mitt Romney to offer his heartfelt commiserations.

Good night.

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