Episode 2 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

APPLAUSE

A good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Brian Blessed!

Yes, it's me.

-LAUGHS

-I'm back again.

Now, in the news this week, as Silvio Berlusconi

celebrates his latest election result,

his campaign team call off the hunt for his missing mistress.

And...Richard Hammond arrives at A&E having driven an open-top car

under a low bridge.

And there's delight for Eric Pickles as his new toasting fork

is finally delivered!

On Ian's team tonight, a left-wing politician who believes

the state should pay for everything...

except a ceremonial funeral.

Please welcome the fantastic Ken Livingstone.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a comedian

who, in a previous job, worked as a greetings card packer in a factory.

On her last day, she was given hundreds of leaving cards

and told to pop them in the delivery van on her way out.

Please welcome the wonderful, gorgeous Bridget Christie.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Ken, take a look at this.

There she is, swinging away.

It's an old lady who's died this week.

Any thoughts, Ken?

Oh, look, she's burying you.

Oh, there we are - switching Britain on.

Well, you know, it's amazing, I haven't had an invite to the funeral yet,

so I haven't been able to decline it.

Would you go?

No, no. It would be a tad hypocritical.

Given she abolished me,

I don't think she'd expect me to turn up at her funeral.

She's died, and the BBC has been accused of bias.

So luckily, tonight, it's rectified it by inviting Ken Livingstone on.

Wednesday saw tributes in Parliament.

Anyone catch what Norman Lamont had to say?

-No. What did he have to say?

-Well...

-Don't you know, Paul?

-No, I don't.

Me and Norman fell out some time ago.

He said...

-What great judgement she had.

-Yes.

There was a succession of rather wet elderly men

appearing on the telly saying, "She was awfully rude to us, you know?

"And really horrid to Jeffrey."

When you say, "Wet elderly men,"

have they just been fished from the Thames for their...?

And there are some very elderly posh ones going,

"God, I mean, she was a woman...

"Rather vulgar - probably middle class. Ghastly. Ghastly.

"And a woman."

There's been a lot of talk this week about the fact

-that she WAS a WOMAN.

-Yes.

But, I mean, I knew all along.

She was sort of beyond gender, in a way.

She had such conviction

and such amazing confidence in herself

that I think that whatever she'd been born,

she wouldn't have thought that that was a hindrance.

Even if she'd been born a man...

or a goat, it wouldn't have stopped her.

-You think she'd have been Britain's first goat Prime Minister?

-Well, she would have been!

And now we'd all be saying, "Against all odds, at a time

"when it was inconceivable that a goat

"would have been elected as a Member of Parliament..."

I hardly think she'd have been against the Nanny State, though.

APPLAUSE

What did John Gummer have to say?

Nothing interesting.

He said...

What? Walking and picking up things?

Are you familiar with Harry Styles? He sent a Twitter message saying...

And these were the responses from his fans.

I've only just read this. This is shite!

Did you also see the misunderstanding

over a Twitter conversation called...

BRIDGET: Oh, yes.

Which upset fans of the popular singer Cher, who thought she'd died.

"Now that Cher's dead."

There were some errors on mainstream television also.

Did you see how the BBC announced the news?

Yes, can we see it again?

Sorry to interrupt you there, just cos there's one more line,

just as you were reading that, which has just come in from Lord Bell.

He's been quoted saying,

"It is with great sadness that Mark and Carol Thatcher announced

"that their mother, Baroness Thatcher, died peacefully

"following a strike this morning."

And Thailand's Channel 5 showed a photo of Meryl Streep instead.

Here's another question.

Why weren't Thatcher's children there at the end?

-Perhaps Mark was still on the run?

-Yes, that's...

Actually, I was on paper review with Carol Thatcher

the day it was revealed in the papers

that Mark Thatcher was a multi-millionaire.

And she said, "I don't see how that can be.

"He's never done a day's work in his life."

That's true. Keep it in.

That's all the lawyer needs to hear.

"That's true. Keep it in." That's what we should do.

-It's in my autobiography and he hasn't sued.

-But no-one's read that.

-You're in it.

-Am I?

-Yeah.

-Blimey.

-Private Eye is.

It's when you said I had a secret Swiss bank account

into which Gaddafi put 250,000.

-Did we get the figure wrong?

-No...

APPLAUSE

Well, I have to say they were abroad.

What did Maggie once say about her son?

Did she only say something once about him?

Well, she said...

But mainly just arms to nasty...

APPLAUSE

Now, how did the BBC expose their own lefty tendencies

and their utter contempt for Thatcher's memory?

They interviewed her enemies, who said unpleasant things about her,

and then they interviewed her friends,

most of whom also said unpleasant things about her.

And now the BBC interviewed Gerry Adams. What did he say?

Didn't he go on about how she supported a whole list of things

he didn't approve of, basically?

Well, he said...

Although not as much as all those bombs, eh, Gerry?

All right, Gerry, any time, you pillock!

Straight between your gizzard!

I thought we politically moved on from issuing threats

to former members of the IRA.

The BBC also interviewed Maggie's biggest fan and disciple,

Tony Blair. Did you see his tribute? He said...

Well, he certainly changed the landscape of Baghdad.

I'm sorry, Tony. He had a heart operation.

-He had one put in?

-Did he have one put in?

APPLAUSE

Now, Lord Howe of Aberavon was asked...

-I'm not going to say that again.

-Yeah, go on.

HE SPLUTTERS

It sounds like you're drowning in a bath.

..was asked by Sky for his thoughts on his time in Thatcher's Cabinet

and he said...

Well, yes, that's the idea when someone dies, Geoffrey.

A bit of reminiscing about old stuff.

-HE SHOUTS:

-Come on, shape up!

I think you were on safer ground attacking Geoffrey Howe

than you were with Gerry Adams.

Did you hear about Julian Styles?

-According to the Mirror...

-Yeah.

30 years...without a job.

Pull your finger out, Julian, you lazy bastard!

LAUGHTER

I'll kill you, you bastard!

Let's abandon this show. Brian says, "Who wants a fight?"

Line up in alphabetical order - Adams, you're first.

-The celebrations...

-There has been...

-Speak.

There has been lunacy on both sides.

The more conservative press has got very overexcited,

and there are plans to rename London "Thatcher".

-Did you know that?

-Port Stanley, I think.

-And the statue.

Do you want her on the fourth plinth?

When I became Mayor, I was told,

because they were going, "What are you going to do with it?"

I said, "It's reserved for Her Majesty when she dies."

I'm not supposed to say that. They said, "You can't tell anyone."

Rather than put the Queen up there, we should have a statue,

rather than actually put her up there.

That would be a bit grisly.

That's why they had all those temporary things.

They put her up there,

there'll be endless demos, people trying to pull it down.

It will be just like the Saddam Hussein thing -

people pulling it down with ropes.

Well, that and a ring of steel of Daily Mail readers, guarding the flame.

The celebrations of Thatcher's death

have been criticised by all sides, including Tony Blair.

Blair said this...

Although philosophically speaking, he'd be dead.

LAUGHTER

He believes in an afterlife. He'll be looking down on the celebrations.

Or looking up.

APPLAUSE

Margaret Thatcher is to have a ceremonial funeral.

-What's it going to cost?

-10 million.

-Absolutely right.

Between 10 million and 40 million.

I mean, I don't understand this!

-Look, when I was a kid...

-Yeah, yeah.

-..I used to make coffins.

I left school at 14, love. I made hundreds of coffins.

I could do it cheaply. Only cost 25 quid.

In those days, even though they weren't dead,

-you punched them into the coffin, "Get down there!"

-Well...

Brian has just offered to do the whole thing for 25 quid...

-For 25 quid.

-..which has got to be the lowest bid.

I think it's out to tender, give it to Brian.

The BBC News produced an artist's impression

of what the funeral might look like.

It's a bit like Reservoir Dogs.

LAUGHTER

-I mean, I was up for that movie, you know?

-Were you?

-Marvellous barker.

-HE BARKS AND HOWLS

-I'd have been marvellous.

-What's your reservoir like?

All the retrospectives of Thatcher's reign

have brought back some memories.

Do you recall what the eminent Dr Jonathan Miller

said about Thatcher?

It's good that Jonathan Miller reminds us occasionally

of what a twat he is.

-Line 'em up.

-Line 'em up!

-Who wants to see... This is good.

-Mm.

..to see Margaret Thatcher's reaction

when a Swedish TV presenter asks her to do a little jump in the air?

-Here we are.

-I'd love to see it!

-Here we go.

It's kind of a gimmick on my show

and it's to make a jump.

I shouldn't dream of doing that.

Why should I?

-Well...

-I see no significance whatsoever

of making a jump up in the air.

I make great leaps forward, not little jumps in studios.

Nice to know other countries' telly's as crap as ours, isn't it?

-Am I on that?

-Yes, you're on this now.

-I don't know what you're on!

LAUGHTER

Yes, this is the solemn news

that one of our greatest peacetime Prime Ministers has died.

But don't worry,

-HE SHOUTS:

-Gordon's alive!

-Yeah!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jeffrey Archer paid tribute to Lady Thatcher, saying...

Jeffrey Archer, not just a terrible writer but also a terrible writer.

Lord Saatchi joined in the tributes, saying...

Has he not read the papers?

Lady Thatcher's funeral will be held in central London next Wednesday.

It will be a full ceremonial occasion with military honours.

But at her own request, there'll be no fly past.

Although the Argentinean Air Force did offer.

-Paul and Bridget, my sugar lumps.

-Yes.

-Take a look at this.

Another one of the feel-good stories of the week(!)

This is a man who's extremely dangerous.

-Getting hopscotch very wrong.

-Absolutely.

There he is being applauded, and everybody laughing and clapping,

cos he's fantastic.

He's conducting his own symphony, which he's written inside a tank.

So, you managed to have someone on who makes Mrs Thatcher look rational and human.

That's why YOU'RE here.

LAUGHTER

But those missiles that went up in the air and then fell down again

and looked like they were made of Lego...

The American ones did at the beginning.

The really scary bit is when they get it right.

Oh, you've reassured me, Ken!

This North Korea is going to send up a couple of rockets,

and they'll go backwards and go round and round like the ouzel bird

and disappear up his arse.

Now, let's see how Jeremy Paxman

introduced this major international story on Newsnight.

There have, mercifully, been no hostilities yet,

and the natural response to the spectacle of a fat little man

in an absurd boiler suit issuing such threats is perhaps to laugh.

LAUGHTER

Now, since North Korea has ratcheted up the tension,

what's happened to South Korea's Sunshine Policy? Ian?

What, an attempt at rapprochement with the North?

Well, it's not gone awfully well

when they're threatening to annihilate you.

Well, it says here the Sunshine Policy was an attempt

to try and engage more positively with its neighbour.

Both countries jointly run a group of factories near the border

called the Kaesong Industrial Complex.

Doesn't that sound a lovely place?

-Yeah.

-But now North Korea have withdrawn its workforce.

Also, South Korea's Minister of Unification, Ryoo Ki Ji Jang,

confirmed reports in South Korea's Joong Tang Ali Dang newspaper,

that there were signs of suspicious activity

at the Punggye site in North Korea,

although North Korea official, Kim Yang Gong Bang,

claimed South Korea were just warmongering.

And then Ryoo Kio-jae changed his mind, denied the newspaper reports

and said he couldn't remember saying anything about it.

-So, why the

-BLEEP

-have I bothered to read all that out?

LAUGHTER

What a load of bollocks!

And now let's see what this says.

-I'm not being too EYEBROW, am I?

-No, not too highbrow, no.

Too eyebrow?!

-Is that an acting term?

-It is an acting term.

Bridget, you know a lot about weaponry, don't you?

-I'm told you can fire a musket.

-I can.

-Or is that some sort of double entendre?

-No, it's not.

-I can fire a musket.

-Can you?

-Without singeing my eyebrows.

-Really?

It takes a long time, and muskets are really long and heavy.

But I actually had a...

I'm ashamed of this, because I'm a feminist,

but I had a man hold the end of it for me.

Are we still talking about a gun?

The Sun provided a helpful Q&A by North Korea expert

Aidan Foster-Carter, who answered such questions as...

Now, who wants to see just how popular Kim Jong-un is

with his army?

Let's have a look at what happened

when he arrives by boat for a visit to an army base.

Marvellous. I mean, it's like a bad rehearsal of Cats.

-Who wants to see the North Korean embassy in London?

-Yes, please.

It's not quite as grand as you might expect.

It's a semi-detached house in Ealing where, according to neighbours...

It's a seven-bedroom property, so if nothing else, North Korea

now owes us 98 quid a week in bedroom tax.

Now, then, the question is, what sort of activity

has been going on there?

-There's been a big removals van parked there...

-Yes!

KEN: Oh, they're leaving, yes, just in case we had a war.

Somebody's moving out. Apparently, it's a new secretary's moved in or something.

-You're right, Bridget.

-Are they trying to scare us by saying,

"We're moving out, Ealing is the big target"?

A removal van has been spotted outside the embassy,

although with North Korea being such a secretive state,

they were quite discreet about it.

That's what they call a KOREA move.

GROANING

A KOREA move!

HE LAUGHS

-Oh, shit, shit!

-What have you done?

Ah, shit, I've got cramp in my right leg. Come here.

Do you want somebody to massage it for you?

I mean, on that side...

Ken, pull the foot over.

-Pull his leg.

-No, pull it...

-Pull the leg.

That's it!

Most useful thing I've done in years!

Oh, I've pulled me bloody mike out.

Oh, Christ! It's going, it's going...

-Is it coming back?

-Is he coming back?!

What have US soldiers been doing which involves Camp Stanley?

They're practising anti-chemical warfare techniques.

-HE BELCHES

-I've got terrible wind.

LAUGHTER

Wind, cramp. You're not falling to bits, are you, Brian?

Are you sure this isn't chemical warfare?

I'll be all right.

Ken, pull his foot, quick!

If somebody kills Brian, the list of suspects is going to be enormous.

LAUGHTER

-How are you doing?

-I'll be all right.

HE EMITS A TARZAN-LIKE CALL

I feel much better. Much better. I feel much better.

And that's why we shouldn't cut benefits.

Some experts believe we can predict the next move of North Korea

-because they've got a thing about the number nine.

-Yes.

-Now, what is it?

-It's a lucky number.

It has a great significance in their culture.

-That's right. Now, nine is regarded as a very lucky number.

-Yeah.

The first nuclear test took place October 9, 2006.

That's my birthday.

Second was on 5th of April, 2009, and that's significant,

-according to the magazine...

-HE COUGHS

-..Business Insider, because...

-Sorry, what was the... Did you...?

What was the first word?

-Now, it says here, 5 + 4 = 9...

-Yeah.

-..and the 9 of 2009.

-Yeah.

-Now, the next nuclear test was on 12th of December, 2012...

-Yeah.

..and therefore, 1 + 2 + 1 + 2 + 1...

+ 2 of 2012 = 9.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

And the North Koreans announced they couldn't protect foreign diplomats

-after Wednesday of this week, which was...

-The 9th.

..April the 10th!

We're dealing with lunatics!

This is the deranged, power-crazed dictator...

Hey, hang on a minute.

Haven't we done with her?

I'm getting it wrong, no. This is Kim Jong-un

and his desire to make his own mark on the world

in the shape of a bloody great crater.

And here's a recent picture of Kim Jong-un...

applying for the manager's job at Sunderland.

Tensions were further escalated this week

when North Korea warned that they would restart their nuclear reactor

with the chilling words,

"OK, boys, start pedalling."

At the end of that round...

That's the first round, by the way.

APPLAUSE

So...

The idea seems to be

to commemorate Margaret Thatcher's term in power in real time.

So only 11 and a half years to go!

And so at the end of that round, it's two points each.

APPLAUSE

INAUDIBLE

And so on to Round Two and a new game that I'm calling

Have I Got Noise For You.

Along with a picture clue, I'm going to make a noise...

HE LAUGHS

..which should tell you what the story's about.

So we start with...

BRIAN SINGS OPERATIC LOVE SONG

HE WHISTLES

HE HUMS MELODY

HE WHISTLES

HE IMITATES STATIC

# Lady in red. #

Now, what are those?

LAUGHTER

KEN: I think the pandas have started having sex,

but I don't think they make that much noise about it.

They don't really get very, sort of, you know...horny.

-No.

-It takes a lot to get them going.

-Yeah.

Do you know you came top in a poll of the sexiest bearded men?

-Did I really?

-Yeah, I heard about it somewhere.

I mean, you were only running against Osama bin Laden.

APPLAUSE

This is the news that Yang Guang, Edinburgh Zoo's male panda,

has had his radio switched from Classic FM to Smooth Radio

to help get him in the mood to mate.

-You didn't say that, did you?

-No, we didn't, no.

LAUGHTER

What sort of music do pandas find sexy?

Well, I would have thought... sort of reggae, early ska.

-Is it dubstep?

-I don't know what that is.

London grime?

Well, according to the Independent, he now enjoys:

How else have keepers tried

to get Yang Guang ready to make love to his partner, Tian Tian?

Haven't they given them a special diet?

No, it's this.

That's amazing. Me and the wife do it exactly the same, every day.

She's going to kill me for that!

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

What, you get pandas' urine...?

They keep it in the fridge.

-Oh, right.

-It's a big turn-on, love.

It's been dabbed around Yang Guang's enclosure.

It's amazing, isn't it?

Can't you go down there, Brian, and take matters into your own hands?

I think so.

I mean, I've had yetis.

How abominable was he?

What have gorillas been in the news for this week?

Two children...

-Two children.

-..were standing in front of their enclosure with bananas,

and the gorilla went nuts, rightly so,

and was banging on the glass and...

Brilliant, brilliant, Bridget, you've got it.

A gorilla called Motaba has been indulging in a bit of what is

popularly called photo-bombing.

Here he is.

LAUGHTER

This is the news that Edinburgh Zoo's pandas

may be about to mate.

According to the Telegraph,

if the mating doesn't take place, the zoo will attempt...

-He's not the president of North Korea, is he?

-No. Not at the moment.

-No, I'm getting mixed up.

-Yeah.

I mean, that's a traumatising experience for both a panda

and the work experience boy.

And here's your next noise clue. Here we go.

Ka-ching!

Boo!

LAUGHTER

-This is the banker.

-BRIDGET: Yes, Jim, James...

-Crosby.

-Crosby.

-Yep.

So there were three bankers who were finally in HBOS,

which is Halifax-Bank of Scotland, which collapsed spectacularly

and had to be bailed out by the taxpayer,

and the three people in charge have finally,

after all these years, been found guilty,

and the Parliamentary Standards Committee

were incredibly cross with them,

and a banker has offered to give his knighthood back.

-Gosh, you're a mine of information!

-If he was a mine of information,

Margaret Thatcher would have closed him down years ago.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well, this...

What was interesting about this man, James Crosby,

is, as well as being in charge of HBOS,

he was deputy chairman of the Financial Services Authority,

which was meant to look into scandals in the City, and, amazingly,

he didn't see his own.

Why are we saying that that's a great thing for him to do?

It doesn't really seem... I mean, are titles very important?

KEN: John Lennon returned his gong, didn't he, so it's a good precedent.

BRIDGET: Yeah, and I lost my title when I got married,

it didn't bother me at all.

-What were you?

-Miss.

Ceausescu was stripped of his knighthood

the day before he was executed.

For mass murder.

Yes, but he must have been thinking,

"Oh, God, the knighthood's gone. Oh, well, tomorrow's another day."

Why does he want to be stripped? You've answered that.

He's been roundly panned by everyone for destroying HBOS.

Paxman called him:

The Parliamentary Commission on Banking Standards

described him as:

And worst of all, he's been widely labelled:

That's a title you'd like to lose, isn't it?

Ian, as well as his knighthood, what's Sir James kindly giving back?

He's giving back some of his pension.

25% of his pension, so he's got to get by on 400 grand a year.

God knows how he'll manage.

It's tough, isn't it, Ken?

You tried.

Well, me ducks, he's kindly giving back 30% of his annual

pension every year until he dies.

Though that still leaves him taking 400,000 a year

or, in other words, the piss.

APPLAUSE

This is Sir James Crosby, or, as he will henceforth be known,

that idiot who screwed up HBOS. Some City analysts were shocked

that a banker was prepared to give up 30% of his pension.

Even after that, he'll still be worth £400,000 a year.

I mean, that's assuming it's invested by people

who know more about it than he does.

Which means at the end of this round,

it's, er...

three to Bridget and Paul...

-Yes.

-Yes.

And therefore to Ken and Ian, you're four.

Very tight.

-Time now for the Odd One Out round.

-It's you!

Just one between you this week.

Liz Hurley, Carina Trimingham,

George Osborne and a snow car.

BRIDGET: Is it the car made of snow...because the other three

pollute the atmosphere?

Is it actually a car covered in snow or made out of snow?

I don't know why I'm asking Brian!

-He might know.

-I don't, I've lost my card.

-Make it up.

I haven't a clue.

OK...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

We are now rudderless.

If any of you ever escape from this environment, send help.

Have I asked the question yet?

Ian asked, is that a model of a car in snow,

or is it a car covered in snow?

It's a car made of snow.

Is it to do with people in prison?

Carina Trimingham went to visit Chris Huhne, who's in jail.

-No, it isn't.

-No, but I just wanted to say Chris Huhne's in jail again.

KEN: Liz Hurley's then-partner

-got done in a small crime in a car, didn't he?

-Yeah.

-Hugh Grant.

-Yes.

You've got to name names, don't worry about Leveson.

-I'll protect you.

-LAUGHTER

Either George Osborne has had an illicit affair or the car.

Now, if you had to have sex with one of those two, which would you go for?

-BUZZER

-We think it's the car.

-For the reason I gave?

-No, no.

BRIDGET: Osborne parked in a disabled bay this week

in McDonald's and he got a ticket.

The car that's made out of snow was only a temporary problem

because it melted.

-What's her car offence?

-Liz Hurley?

Hugh Grant. Oh, well... there's a connection.

I don't think she was there,

that's part of the reason why the offence occurred.

-I think, I-I...

-Yeah, go on, tell us.

Gentlemen... L-Ladies and gentlemen,

I have to say that I'm actually losing my mind at the moment.

I think we've gone way past that event.

They've all received a parking ticket,

apart from George Osborne, who didn't,

because he can park wherever he likes.

According to the Mirror - the Mirror know - he parked his...

Which Osborne clearly isn't, as we can see here...

MUSIC: "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor

# Just a man and his will to survive

# So many times it happens too fast

# You trade your passion for glory... #

APPLAUSE

SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE

It's a real shame he wasn't any good,

because, beforehand, he was so excited.

Sorry.

That's the Olympic legacy in one clip.

Carina Trimingham, Chris Huhne's girlfriend,

was given a £110 penalty for parking in a permit holder's bay

while visiting him at Wandsworth Prison.

-I went to Ford once.

-You went to what, love?

-Ford Open Prison.

-Did you?

-Yeah, it's very nice in there.

What were you done for?

No, really, what were you done for? Just laughing it off like that.

Unless you feel you've paid your debt to society?

I just don't feel we should go back. I've been rehabilitated.

As what?

No, he's in...

The governor said, "I don't want you to get the impression

"that this place is full of middle-class prisoners."

And as I left, one of them said,

"We've got a bridge club here. Do you fancy playing?"

He's in Leyhill Open Prison in Gloucestershire,

which has been described as...

I usually prefer the Ritz. Though not this week,

it must have been like that episode of Fawlty Towers in there.

Liz Hurley was recently given £240 worth of parking tickets

when she left her car on the streets of Mayfair for four days,

after she had forgotten where she had parked it.

Apparently, it was down to the Sun newspaper,

who reported that they:

God, they're good! Aren't they?

I wonder how they'd done it.

I wonder if they used any sort of technology?

Rich people don't behave like you and I -

all my money goes on my animals.

We don't know about leaving a little car here and a little car there.

-What animals do you have?

-He's got 3,000 animals.

Yes, thousands of animals, yes.

-And so we just...

-What...?

-What are they?

-Are you expecting a flood?

-I have to tell you now...

Should we not know?

They have all received

a parking ticket,

apart from George Osborne,

who didn't, because he can park wherever he likes.

George Osborne's car was parked illegally

when he went to get a meal in McDonald's.

Well, as a Chancellor,

he's used to opening boxes with unpleasant surprises inside!

Osborne stopped at McDonald's just off the M4 as he returned from...

Where a group of toddlers pointed out the holes

in his deficit reduction plan.

-It's time now for the missing words...

-Oh, good.

..which this week features as its guest publication

my own local paper, the Barnsley Chronicle.

Of course, it's not all just about Barnsley.

They've got a foreign correspondent based in Wakefield.

And we start with:

-Breed with humans. No.

-Not breed with humans?

This is a lovely series.

This is "Choo-choo"... Michael Portillo's

proposed filming in south Yorkshire,

which, according to the Barnsley Chronicle:

I should think by then,

they'll have had time to clear away the bunting and party balloons.

And next:

Thatcher!

-Just giving Ken a bad time.

-Don't forget, we're in Yorkshire.

I didn't know it had died.

-It's a piece of wood. There's a hole in it.

-Yes.

And you put a piece of wood inside and it sticks out.

And you've got a great big stick here and you kind of hit it,

and it used to go right up in the air and then wham!

You could hit a farmer or a policeman from 100 yards.

-I think I've seen this. Bang, like that?

-That's it.

It's a bloody good weapon. They could use it in North Korea.

And next:

Confront Murdoch.

-Buy some curtains.

-Yes!

-Brilliant.

-Buy some curtains?

-Did you say buy some curtains?

-Yes, I did.

-No, that's a crap answer.

Well...

Isn't that what you said?

-Did you say that?

-Yes.

-Give the point back! I'm sorry.

-And next:

-To be remade.

-Yes.

According to the Telegraph,

Blake's 7 wouldn't have been a cult hit without guest appearances by

Julian Glover, Roy Kinnear, and, of course, legendary Brian Blessed.

You've added the word "legendary"!

I was Vultan in Flash Gordon.

-Yeah, I remember that bit.

-I was a sex symbol.

I got 28 million letters a bloody week.

And finally:

They don't like coming back,

because it was so wonderful up there, and then they've come back.

They've stood on the moon.

They've looked at the blue and green planet

spinning in the middle of the black velvet around it and all the stars,

as if casually tossed against a sort of...

Oh, I don't know what I'm talking about. Is it headache?

The answer is:

This is the newly discovered transcripts of Apollo 10,

which feature the mission commander saying:

I've always thought the first shit in space

was going to be Richard Branson.

Do you want me to tell my story?

You might as well.

No, he says no! He knows what it is.

He knows what it is.

So, the final scores are... Bridget and Paul have got six.

And my two friends on the right - the ex-Lord Mayor Mr Livingstone

and Ian Hislop - they've got six!

A wonderful draw!

APPLAUSE

SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE

That felt really good - someone referring to me and Ken as,

"My two friends on the right."

-Do I continue now, then, Paul?

-That's up to your agent.

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists -

Ian Hislop and Ken Livingstone, Paul Merton and Bridget Christie!

APPLAUSE

And I leave you with news that in Alabama,

a group of gay rights activists campaign for same-sex marriage.

In southwest China, a cormorant salesman is advised by locals

to "go and get those looked at".

And the row over the cost of Lady Thatcher's funeral escalates,

with the delivery of the hearse.

Good night, and don't let the bastards grind you down!

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

And so our little thing is, which won't be shown...

You can see my hands.

We used to play marbles and we had ball bearings

and we had glass arrows and we had glass marbles in the war years.

And as a good marble player...

A poor marble player did that,

but a good marble player could turn -

which is rather handsome -

put the marble just there, between the thumb and finger and shoot.

And you had immense accuracy.

Have you lost any of those marbles since then?