Episode 2 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 2

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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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A good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Brian Blessed!

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Yes, it's me.

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-LAUGHS

-I'm back again.

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Now, in the news this week, as Silvio Berlusconi

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celebrates his latest election result,

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his campaign team call off the hunt for his missing mistress.

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And...Richard Hammond arrives at A&E having driven an open-top car

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under a low bridge.

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And there's delight for Eric Pickles as his new toasting fork

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is finally delivered!

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On Ian's team tonight, a left-wing politician who believes

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the state should pay for everything...

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except a ceremonial funeral.

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Please welcome the fantastic Ken Livingstone.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight is a comedian

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who, in a previous job, worked as a greetings card packer in a factory.

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On her last day, she was given hundreds of leaving cards

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and told to pop them in the delivery van on her way out.

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Please welcome the wonderful, gorgeous Bridget Christie.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Ian and Ken, take a look at this.

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There she is, swinging away.

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It's an old lady who's died this week.

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Any thoughts, Ken?

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Oh, look, she's burying you.

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Oh, there we are - switching Britain on.

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Well, you know, it's amazing, I haven't had an invite to the funeral yet,

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so I haven't been able to decline it.

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Would you go?

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No, no. It would be a tad hypocritical.

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Given she abolished me,

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I don't think she'd expect me to turn up at her funeral.

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She's died, and the BBC has been accused of bias.

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So luckily, tonight, it's rectified it by inviting Ken Livingstone on.

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Wednesday saw tributes in Parliament.

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Anyone catch what Norman Lamont had to say?

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-No. What did he have to say?

-Well...

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-Don't you know, Paul?

-No, I don't.

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Me and Norman fell out some time ago.

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He said...

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-What great judgement she had.

-Yes.

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There was a succession of rather wet elderly men

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appearing on the telly saying, "She was awfully rude to us, you know?

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"And really horrid to Jeffrey."

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When you say, "Wet elderly men,"

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have they just been fished from the Thames for their...?

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And there are some very elderly posh ones going,

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"God, I mean, she was a woman...

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"Rather vulgar - probably middle class. Ghastly. Ghastly.

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"And a woman."

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There's been a lot of talk this week about the fact

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-that she WAS a WOMAN.

-Yes.

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But, I mean, I knew all along.

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She was sort of beyond gender, in a way.

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She had such conviction

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and such amazing confidence in herself

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that I think that whatever she'd been born,

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she wouldn't have thought that that was a hindrance.

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Even if she'd been born a man...

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or a goat, it wouldn't have stopped her.

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-You think she'd have been Britain's first goat Prime Minister?

-Well, she would have been!

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And now we'd all be saying, "Against all odds, at a time

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"when it was inconceivable that a goat

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"would have been elected as a Member of Parliament..."

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I hardly think she'd have been against the Nanny State, though.

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APPLAUSE

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What did John Gummer have to say?

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Nothing interesting.

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He said...

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What? Walking and picking up things?

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Are you familiar with Harry Styles? He sent a Twitter message saying...

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And these were the responses from his fans.

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I've only just read this. This is shite!

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Did you also see the misunderstanding

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over a Twitter conversation called...

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BRIDGET: Oh, yes.

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Which upset fans of the popular singer Cher, who thought she'd died.

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"Now that Cher's dead."

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There were some errors on mainstream television also.

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Did you see how the BBC announced the news?

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Yes, can we see it again?

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Sorry to interrupt you there, just cos there's one more line,

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just as you were reading that, which has just come in from Lord Bell.

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He's been quoted saying,

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"It is with great sadness that Mark and Carol Thatcher announced

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"that their mother, Baroness Thatcher, died peacefully

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"following a strike this morning."

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And Thailand's Channel 5 showed a photo of Meryl Streep instead.

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Here's another question.

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Why weren't Thatcher's children there at the end?

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-Perhaps Mark was still on the run?

-Yes, that's...

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Actually, I was on paper review with Carol Thatcher

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the day it was revealed in the papers

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that Mark Thatcher was a multi-millionaire.

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And she said, "I don't see how that can be.

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"He's never done a day's work in his life."

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That's true. Keep it in.

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That's all the lawyer needs to hear.

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"That's true. Keep it in." That's what we should do.

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-It's in my autobiography and he hasn't sued.

-But no-one's read that.

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-You're in it.

-Am I?

-Yeah.

-Blimey.

-Private Eye is.

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It's when you said I had a secret Swiss bank account

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into which Gaddafi put 250,000.

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-Did we get the figure wrong?

-No...

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APPLAUSE

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Well, I have to say they were abroad.

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What did Maggie once say about her son?

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Did she only say something once about him?

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Well, she said...

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But mainly just arms to nasty...

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APPLAUSE

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Now, how did the BBC expose their own lefty tendencies

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and their utter contempt for Thatcher's memory?

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They interviewed her enemies, who said unpleasant things about her,

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and then they interviewed her friends,

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most of whom also said unpleasant things about her.

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And now the BBC interviewed Gerry Adams. What did he say?

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Didn't he go on about how she supported a whole list of things

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he didn't approve of, basically?

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Well, he said...

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Although not as much as all those bombs, eh, Gerry?

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All right, Gerry, any time, you pillock!

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Straight between your gizzard!

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I thought we politically moved on from issuing threats

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to former members of the IRA.

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The BBC also interviewed Maggie's biggest fan and disciple,

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Tony Blair. Did you see his tribute? He said...

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Well, he certainly changed the landscape of Baghdad.

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I'm sorry, Tony. He had a heart operation.

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-He had one put in?

-Did he have one put in?

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APPLAUSE

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Now, Lord Howe of Aberavon was asked...

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-I'm not going to say that again.

-Yeah, go on.

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HE SPLUTTERS

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It sounds like you're drowning in a bath.

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..was asked by Sky for his thoughts on his time in Thatcher's Cabinet

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and he said...

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Well, yes, that's the idea when someone dies, Geoffrey.

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A bit of reminiscing about old stuff.

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-HE SHOUTS:

-Come on, shape up!

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I think you were on safer ground attacking Geoffrey Howe

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than you were with Gerry Adams.

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Did you hear about Julian Styles?

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-According to the Mirror...

-Yeah.

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30 years...without a job.

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Pull your finger out, Julian, you lazy bastard!

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LAUGHTER

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I'll kill you, you bastard!

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Let's abandon this show. Brian says, "Who wants a fight?"

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Line up in alphabetical order - Adams, you're first.

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-The celebrations...

-There has been...

-Speak.

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There has been lunacy on both sides.

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The more conservative press has got very overexcited,

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and there are plans to rename London "Thatcher".

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-Did you know that?

-Port Stanley, I think.

-And the statue.

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Do you want her on the fourth plinth?

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When I became Mayor, I was told,

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because they were going, "What are you going to do with it?"

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I said, "It's reserved for Her Majesty when she dies."

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I'm not supposed to say that. They said, "You can't tell anyone."

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Rather than put the Queen up there, we should have a statue,

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rather than actually put her up there.

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That would be a bit grisly.

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That's why they had all those temporary things.

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They put her up there,

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there'll be endless demos, people trying to pull it down.

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It will be just like the Saddam Hussein thing -

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people pulling it down with ropes.

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Well, that and a ring of steel of Daily Mail readers, guarding the flame.

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The celebrations of Thatcher's death

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have been criticised by all sides, including Tony Blair.

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Blair said this...

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Although philosophically speaking, he'd be dead.

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LAUGHTER

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He believes in an afterlife. He'll be looking down on the celebrations.

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Or looking up.

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APPLAUSE

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Margaret Thatcher is to have a ceremonial funeral.

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-What's it going to cost?

-10 million.

-Absolutely right.

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Between 10 million and 40 million.

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I mean, I don't understand this!

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-Look, when I was a kid...

-Yeah, yeah.

-..I used to make coffins.

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I left school at 14, love. I made hundreds of coffins.

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I could do it cheaply. Only cost 25 quid.

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In those days, even though they weren't dead,

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-you punched them into the coffin, "Get down there!"

-Well...

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Brian has just offered to do the whole thing for 25 quid...

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-For 25 quid.

-..which has got to be the lowest bid.

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I think it's out to tender, give it to Brian.

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The BBC News produced an artist's impression

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of what the funeral might look like.

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It's a bit like Reservoir Dogs.

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LAUGHTER

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-I mean, I was up for that movie, you know?

-Were you?

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-Marvellous barker.

-HE BARKS AND HOWLS

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-I'd have been marvellous.

-What's your reservoir like?

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All the retrospectives of Thatcher's reign

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have brought back some memories.

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Do you recall what the eminent Dr Jonathan Miller

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said about Thatcher?

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It's good that Jonathan Miller reminds us occasionally

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of what a twat he is.

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-Line 'em up.

-Line 'em up!

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-Who wants to see... This is good.

-Mm.

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..to see Margaret Thatcher's reaction

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when a Swedish TV presenter asks her to do a little jump in the air?

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-Here we are.

-I'd love to see it!

-Here we go.

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It's kind of a gimmick on my show

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and it's to make a jump.

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I shouldn't dream of doing that.

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Why should I?

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-Well...

-I see no significance whatsoever

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of making a jump up in the air.

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I make great leaps forward, not little jumps in studios.

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Nice to know other countries' telly's as crap as ours, isn't it?

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-Am I on that?

-Yes, you're on this now.

-I don't know what you're on!

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, this is the solemn news

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that one of our greatest peacetime Prime Ministers has died.

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But don't worry,

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-HE SHOUTS:

-Gordon's alive!

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-Yeah!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Jeffrey Archer paid tribute to Lady Thatcher, saying...

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Jeffrey Archer, not just a terrible writer but also a terrible writer.

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Lord Saatchi joined in the tributes, saying...

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Has he not read the papers?

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Lady Thatcher's funeral will be held in central London next Wednesday.

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It will be a full ceremonial occasion with military honours.

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But at her own request, there'll be no fly past.

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Although the Argentinean Air Force did offer.

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-Paul and Bridget, my sugar lumps.

-Yes.

-Take a look at this.

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Another one of the feel-good stories of the week(!)

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This is a man who's extremely dangerous.

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-Getting hopscotch very wrong.

-Absolutely.

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There he is being applauded, and everybody laughing and clapping,

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cos he's fantastic.

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He's conducting his own symphony, which he's written inside a tank.

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So, you managed to have someone on who makes Mrs Thatcher look rational and human.

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That's why YOU'RE here.

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LAUGHTER

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But those missiles that went up in the air and then fell down again

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and looked like they were made of Lego...

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The American ones did at the beginning.

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The really scary bit is when they get it right.

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Oh, you've reassured me, Ken!

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This North Korea is going to send up a couple of rockets,

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and they'll go backwards and go round and round like the ouzel bird

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and disappear up his arse.

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Now, let's see how Jeremy Paxman

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introduced this major international story on Newsnight.

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There have, mercifully, been no hostilities yet,

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and the natural response to the spectacle of a fat little man

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in an absurd boiler suit issuing such threats is perhaps to laugh.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, since North Korea has ratcheted up the tension,

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what's happened to South Korea's Sunshine Policy? Ian?

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What, an attempt at rapprochement with the North?

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Well, it's not gone awfully well

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when they're threatening to annihilate you.

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Well, it says here the Sunshine Policy was an attempt

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to try and engage more positively with its neighbour.

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Both countries jointly run a group of factories near the border

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called the Kaesong Industrial Complex.

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Doesn't that sound a lovely place?

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-Yeah.

-But now North Korea have withdrawn its workforce.

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Also, South Korea's Minister of Unification, Ryoo Ki Ji Jang,

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confirmed reports in South Korea's Joong Tang Ali Dang newspaper,

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that there were signs of suspicious activity

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at the Punggye site in North Korea,

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although North Korea official, Kim Yang Gong Bang,

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claimed South Korea were just warmongering.

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And then Ryoo Kio-jae changed his mind, denied the newspaper reports

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and said he couldn't remember saying anything about it.

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-So, why the

-BLEEP

-have I bothered to read all that out?

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LAUGHTER

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What a load of bollocks!

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And now let's see what this says.

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-I'm not being too EYEBROW, am I?

-No, not too highbrow, no.

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Too eyebrow?!

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-Is that an acting term?

-It is an acting term.

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Bridget, you know a lot about weaponry, don't you?

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-I'm told you can fire a musket.

-I can.

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-Or is that some sort of double entendre?

-No, it's not.

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-I can fire a musket.

-Can you?

-Without singeing my eyebrows.

-Really?

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It takes a long time, and muskets are really long and heavy.

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But I actually had a...

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I'm ashamed of this, because I'm a feminist,

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but I had a man hold the end of it for me.

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Are we still talking about a gun?

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The Sun provided a helpful Q&A by North Korea expert

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Aidan Foster-Carter, who answered such questions as...

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Now, who wants to see just how popular Kim Jong-un is

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with his army?

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Let's have a look at what happened

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when he arrives by boat for a visit to an army base.

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Marvellous. I mean, it's like a bad rehearsal of Cats.

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-Who wants to see the North Korean embassy in London?

-Yes, please.

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It's not quite as grand as you might expect.

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It's a semi-detached house in Ealing where, according to neighbours...

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It's a seven-bedroom property, so if nothing else, North Korea

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now owes us 98 quid a week in bedroom tax.

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Now, then, the question is, what sort of activity

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has been going on there?

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-There's been a big removals van parked there...

-Yes!

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KEN: Oh, they're leaving, yes, just in case we had a war.

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Somebody's moving out. Apparently, it's a new secretary's moved in or something.

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-You're right, Bridget.

-Are they trying to scare us by saying,

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"We're moving out, Ealing is the big target"?

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A removal van has been spotted outside the embassy,

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although with North Korea being such a secretive state,

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they were quite discreet about it.

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That's what they call a KOREA move.

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GROANING

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A KOREA move!

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HE LAUGHS

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-Oh, shit, shit!

-What have you done?

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Ah, shit, I've got cramp in my right leg. Come here.

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Do you want somebody to massage it for you?

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I mean, on that side...

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Ken, pull the foot over.

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-Pull his leg.

-No, pull it...

-Pull the leg.

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That's it!

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Most useful thing I've done in years!

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Oh, I've pulled me bloody mike out.

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Oh, Christ! It's going, it's going...

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-Is it coming back?

-Is he coming back?!

0:20:000:20:02

What have US soldiers been doing which involves Camp Stanley?

0:20:040:20:07

They're practising anti-chemical warfare techniques.

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-HE BELCHES

-I've got terrible wind.

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LAUGHTER

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Wind, cramp. You're not falling to bits, are you, Brian?

0:20:170:20:20

Are you sure this isn't chemical warfare?

0:20:230:20:25

I'll be all right.

0:20:250:20:27

Ken, pull his foot, quick!

0:20:270:20:29

If somebody kills Brian, the list of suspects is going to be enormous.

0:20:290:20:33

LAUGHTER

0:20:330:20:36

-How are you doing?

-I'll be all right.

0:20:390:20:42

HE EMITS A TARZAN-LIKE CALL

0:20:470:20:50

I feel much better. Much better. I feel much better.

0:20:500:20:52

And that's why we shouldn't cut benefits.

0:20:520:20:54

Some experts believe we can predict the next move of North Korea

0:20:560:20:59

-because they've got a thing about the number nine.

-Yes.

0:20:590:21:03

-Now, what is it?

-It's a lucky number.

0:21:030:21:04

It has a great significance in their culture.

0:21:040:21:07

-That's right. Now, nine is regarded as a very lucky number.

-Yeah.

0:21:070:21:10

The first nuclear test took place October 9, 2006.

0:21:100:21:13

That's my birthday.

0:21:130:21:15

Second was on 5th of April, 2009, and that's significant,

0:21:150:21:18

-according to the magazine...

-HE COUGHS

0:21:180:21:20

-..Business Insider, because...

-Sorry, what was the... Did you...?

0:21:200:21:24

What was the first word?

0:21:240:21:26

-Now, it says here, 5 + 4 = 9...

-Yeah.

0:21:260:21:29

-..and the 9 of 2009.

-Yeah.

0:21:290:21:31

-Now, the next nuclear test was on 12th of December, 2012...

-Yeah.

0:21:310:21:35

..and therefore, 1 + 2 + 1 + 2 + 1...

0:21:350:21:39

+ 2 of 2012 = 9.

0:21:390:21:42

Yeah.

0:21:420:21:44

LAUGHTER

0:21:440:21:46

And the North Koreans announced they couldn't protect foreign diplomats

0:21:460:21:49

-after Wednesday of this week, which was...

-The 9th.

0:21:490:21:53

..April the 10th!

0:21:530:21:54

We're dealing with lunatics!

0:21:570:22:00

This is the deranged, power-crazed dictator...

0:22:010:22:05

Hey, hang on a minute.

0:22:050:22:06

Haven't we done with her?

0:22:060:22:08

I'm getting it wrong, no. This is Kim Jong-un

0:22:100:22:14

and his desire to make his own mark on the world

0:22:140:22:17

in the shape of a bloody great crater.

0:22:170:22:20

And here's a recent picture of Kim Jong-un...

0:22:210:22:24

applying for the manager's job at Sunderland.

0:22:240:22:27

Tensions were further escalated this week

0:22:290:22:32

when North Korea warned that they would restart their nuclear reactor

0:22:320:22:35

with the chilling words,

0:22:350:22:37

"OK, boys, start pedalling."

0:22:370:22:41

At the end of that round...

0:22:410:22:43

That's the first round, by the way.

0:22:430:22:46

APPLAUSE

0:22:460:22:49

So...

0:22:490:22:51

The idea seems to be

0:22:540:22:55

to commemorate Margaret Thatcher's term in power in real time.

0:22:550:22:59

So only 11 and a half years to go!

0:23:010:23:03

And so at the end of that round, it's two points each.

0:23:040:23:09

APPLAUSE

0:23:090:23:12

INAUDIBLE

0:23:120:23:14

And so on to Round Two and a new game that I'm calling

0:23:170:23:21

Have I Got Noise For You.

0:23:210:23:24

Along with a picture clue, I'm going to make a noise...

0:23:260:23:29

HE LAUGHS

0:23:290:23:30

..which should tell you what the story's about.

0:23:300:23:33

So we start with...

0:23:330:23:35

BRIAN SINGS OPERATIC LOVE SONG

0:23:350:23:38

HE WHISTLES

0:23:380:23:39

HE HUMS MELODY

0:23:390:23:41

HE WHISTLES

0:23:410:23:42

HE IMITATES STATIC

0:23:420:23:44

# Lady in red. #

0:23:440:23:47

Now, what are those?

0:23:470:23:48

LAUGHTER

0:23:480:23:50

KEN: I think the pandas have started having sex,

0:23:500:23:53

but I don't think they make that much noise about it.

0:23:530:23:56

They don't really get very, sort of, you know...horny.

0:23:560:24:00

-No.

-It takes a lot to get them going.

-Yeah.

0:24:000:24:02

Do you know you came top in a poll of the sexiest bearded men?

0:24:020:24:06

-Did I really?

-Yeah, I heard about it somewhere.

0:24:060:24:09

I mean, you were only running against Osama bin Laden.

0:24:090:24:11

APPLAUSE

0:24:140:24:16

This is the news that Yang Guang, Edinburgh Zoo's male panda,

0:24:160:24:22

has had his radio switched from Classic FM to Smooth Radio

0:24:220:24:26

to help get him in the mood to mate.

0:24:260:24:28

-You didn't say that, did you?

-No, we didn't, no.

0:24:280:24:30

LAUGHTER

0:24:300:24:32

What sort of music do pandas find sexy?

0:24:320:24:34

Well, I would have thought... sort of reggae, early ska.

0:24:340:24:39

-Is it dubstep?

-I don't know what that is.

0:24:390:24:42

London grime?

0:24:440:24:46

Well, according to the Independent, he now enjoys:

0:24:460:24:50

How else have keepers tried

0:24:530:24:55

to get Yang Guang ready to make love to his partner, Tian Tian?

0:24:550:24:59

Haven't they given them a special diet?

0:24:590:25:01

No, it's this.

0:25:010:25:04

That's amazing. Me and the wife do it exactly the same, every day.

0:25:080:25:12

She's going to kill me for that!

0:25:140:25:15

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

0:25:150:25:18

What, you get pandas' urine...?

0:25:180:25:21

They keep it in the fridge.

0:25:210:25:23

-Oh, right.

-It's a big turn-on, love.

0:25:230:25:26

It's been dabbed around Yang Guang's enclosure.

0:25:260:25:28

It's amazing, isn't it?

0:25:280:25:31

Can't you go down there, Brian, and take matters into your own hands?

0:25:310:25:35

I think so.

0:25:350:25:37

I mean, I've had yetis.

0:25:370:25:39

How abominable was he?

0:25:410:25:44

What have gorillas been in the news for this week?

0:25:440:25:48

Two children...

0:25:480:25:50

-Two children.

-..were standing in front of their enclosure with bananas,

0:25:500:25:54

and the gorilla went nuts, rightly so,

0:25:540:25:59

and was banging on the glass and...

0:25:590:26:01

Brilliant, brilliant, Bridget, you've got it.

0:26:010:26:04

A gorilla called Motaba has been indulging in a bit of what is

0:26:040:26:08

popularly called photo-bombing.

0:26:080:26:10

Here he is.

0:26:100:26:12

LAUGHTER

0:26:120:26:15

This is the news that Edinburgh Zoo's pandas

0:26:180:26:21

may be about to mate.

0:26:210:26:23

According to the Telegraph,

0:26:230:26:24

if the mating doesn't take place, the zoo will attempt...

0:26:240:26:28

-He's not the president of North Korea, is he?

-No. Not at the moment.

0:26:330:26:36

-No, I'm getting mixed up.

-Yeah.

0:26:360:26:38

I mean, that's a traumatising experience for both a panda

0:26:380:26:42

and the work experience boy.

0:26:420:26:44

And here's your next noise clue. Here we go.

0:26:470:26:50

Ka-ching!

0:26:500:26:53

Boo!

0:26:530:26:54

LAUGHTER

0:26:540:26:56

-This is the banker.

-BRIDGET: Yes, Jim, James...

0:26:560:26:59

-Crosby.

-Crosby.

-Yep.

0:26:590:27:00

So there were three bankers who were finally in HBOS,

0:27:000:27:03

which is Halifax-Bank of Scotland, which collapsed spectacularly

0:27:030:27:07

and had to be bailed out by the taxpayer,

0:27:070:27:09

and the three people in charge have finally,

0:27:090:27:11

after all these years, been found guilty,

0:27:110:27:13

and the Parliamentary Standards Committee

0:27:130:27:15

were incredibly cross with them,

0:27:150:27:17

and a banker has offered to give his knighthood back.

0:27:170:27:20

-Gosh, you're a mine of information!

-If he was a mine of information,

0:27:200:27:23

Margaret Thatcher would have closed him down years ago.

0:27:230:27:25

LAUGHTER

0:27:250:27:27

APPLAUSE

0:27:270:27:30

Well, this...

0:27:300:27:31

What was interesting about this man, James Crosby,

0:27:310:27:33

is, as well as being in charge of HBOS,

0:27:330:27:35

he was deputy chairman of the Financial Services Authority,

0:27:350:27:38

which was meant to look into scandals in the City, and, amazingly,

0:27:380:27:41

he didn't see his own.

0:27:410:27:43

Why are we saying that that's a great thing for him to do?

0:27:430:27:46

It doesn't really seem... I mean, are titles very important?

0:27:460:27:49

KEN: John Lennon returned his gong, didn't he, so it's a good precedent.

0:27:490:27:52

BRIDGET: Yeah, and I lost my title when I got married,

0:27:520:27:55

it didn't bother me at all.

0:27:550:27:56

-What were you?

-Miss.

0:27:560:27:58

Ceausescu was stripped of his knighthood

0:28:000:28:02

the day before he was executed.

0:28:020:28:04

For mass murder.

0:28:040:28:06

Yes, but he must have been thinking,

0:28:060:28:08

"Oh, God, the knighthood's gone. Oh, well, tomorrow's another day."

0:28:080:28:11

Why does he want to be stripped? You've answered that.

0:28:130:28:17

He's been roundly panned by everyone for destroying HBOS.

0:28:170:28:20

Paxman called him:

0:28:200:28:21

The Parliamentary Commission on Banking Standards

0:28:250:28:28

described him as:

0:28:280:28:29

And worst of all, he's been widely labelled:

0:28:330:28:37

That's a title you'd like to lose, isn't it?

0:28:390:28:42

Ian, as well as his knighthood, what's Sir James kindly giving back?

0:28:420:28:46

He's giving back some of his pension.

0:28:460:28:47

25% of his pension, so he's got to get by on 400 grand a year.

0:28:470:28:51

God knows how he'll manage.

0:28:510:28:53

It's tough, isn't it, Ken?

0:28:530:28:55

You tried.

0:28:550:28:57

Well, me ducks, he's kindly giving back 30% of his annual

0:29:000:29:04

pension every year until he dies.

0:29:040:29:06

Though that still leaves him taking 400,000 a year

0:29:060:29:09

or, in other words, the piss.

0:29:090:29:11

APPLAUSE

0:29:140:29:18

This is Sir James Crosby, or, as he will henceforth be known,

0:29:180:29:21

that idiot who screwed up HBOS. Some City analysts were shocked

0:29:210:29:27

that a banker was prepared to give up 30% of his pension.

0:29:270:29:30

Even after that, he'll still be worth £400,000 a year.

0:29:300:29:34

I mean, that's assuming it's invested by people

0:29:340:29:37

who know more about it than he does.

0:29:370:29:40

Which means at the end of this round,

0:29:400:29:42

it's, er...

0:29:420:29:44

three to Bridget and Paul...

0:29:440:29:48

-Yes.

-Yes.

0:29:480:29:50

And therefore to Ken and Ian, you're four.

0:29:500:29:54

Very tight.

0:29:590:30:01

-Time now for the Odd One Out round.

-It's you!

0:30:040:30:07

Just one between you this week.

0:30:100:30:13

Liz Hurley, Carina Trimingham,

0:30:130:30:15

George Osborne and a snow car.

0:30:150:30:18

BRIDGET: Is it the car made of snow...because the other three

0:30:180:30:21

pollute the atmosphere?

0:30:210:30:23

Is it actually a car covered in snow or made out of snow?

0:30:250:30:29

I don't know why I'm asking Brian!

0:30:290:30:31

-He might know.

-I don't, I've lost my card.

-Make it up.

0:30:310:30:35

I haven't a clue.

0:30:350:30:37

OK...

0:30:370:30:39

LAUGHTER

0:30:390:30:41

APPLAUSE

0:30:430:30:45

We are now rudderless.

0:30:470:30:49

If any of you ever escape from this environment, send help.

0:30:510:30:54

Have I asked the question yet?

0:30:580:30:59

Ian asked, is that a model of a car in snow,

0:30:590:31:02

or is it a car covered in snow?

0:31:020:31:04

It's a car made of snow.

0:31:040:31:07

Is it to do with people in prison?

0:31:070:31:08

Carina Trimingham went to visit Chris Huhne, who's in jail.

0:31:080:31:12

-No, it isn't.

-No, but I just wanted to say Chris Huhne's in jail again.

0:31:120:31:17

KEN: Liz Hurley's then-partner

0:31:170:31:19

-got done in a small crime in a car, didn't he?

-Yeah.

0:31:190:31:22

-Hugh Grant.

-Yes.

0:31:220:31:24

You've got to name names, don't worry about Leveson.

0:31:240:31:26

-I'll protect you.

-LAUGHTER

0:31:260:31:29

Either George Osborne has had an illicit affair or the car.

0:31:290:31:34

Now, if you had to have sex with one of those two, which would you go for?

0:31:340:31:38

-BUZZER

-We think it's the car.

0:31:390:31:41

-For the reason I gave?

-No, no.

0:31:450:31:47

BRIDGET: Osborne parked in a disabled bay this week

0:31:470:31:50

in McDonald's and he got a ticket.

0:31:500:31:52

The car that's made out of snow was only a temporary problem

0:31:520:31:55

because it melted.

0:31:550:31:57

-What's her car offence?

-Liz Hurley?

0:31:580:32:00

Hugh Grant. Oh, well... there's a connection.

0:32:000:32:04

I don't think she was there,

0:32:040:32:05

that's part of the reason why the offence occurred.

0:32:050:32:07

-I think, I-I...

-Yeah, go on, tell us.

0:32:090:32:11

Gentlemen... L-Ladies and gentlemen,

0:32:110:32:13

I have to say that I'm actually losing my mind at the moment.

0:32:130:32:16

I think we've gone way past that event.

0:32:160:32:19

They've all received a parking ticket,

0:32:190:32:21

apart from George Osborne, who didn't,

0:32:210:32:24

because he can park wherever he likes.

0:32:240:32:26

According to the Mirror - the Mirror know - he parked his...

0:32:260:32:29

Which Osborne clearly isn't, as we can see here...

0:32:350:32:37

MUSIC: "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor

0:32:370:32:41

# Just a man and his will to survive

0:32:410:32:44

# So many times it happens too fast

0:32:470:32:51

# You trade your passion for glory... #

0:32:510:32:54

APPLAUSE

0:32:580:33:00

SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE

0:33:000:33:02

It's a real shame he wasn't any good,

0:33:020:33:04

because, beforehand, he was so excited.

0:33:040:33:06

Sorry.

0:33:080:33:10

That's the Olympic legacy in one clip.

0:33:150:33:18

Carina Trimingham, Chris Huhne's girlfriend,

0:33:190:33:23

was given a £110 penalty for parking in a permit holder's bay

0:33:230:33:27

while visiting him at Wandsworth Prison.

0:33:270:33:30

-I went to Ford once.

-You went to what, love?

0:33:300:33:32

-Ford Open Prison.

-Did you?

-Yeah, it's very nice in there.

0:33:320:33:35

What were you done for?

0:33:370:33:38

No, really, what were you done for? Just laughing it off like that.

0:33:400:33:44

Unless you feel you've paid your debt to society?

0:33:440:33:47

I just don't feel we should go back. I've been rehabilitated.

0:33:470:33:50

As what?

0:33:500:33:52

No, he's in...

0:33:530:33:55

The governor said, "I don't want you to get the impression

0:33:550:33:58

"that this place is full of middle-class prisoners."

0:33:580:34:01

And as I left, one of them said,

0:34:010:34:02

"We've got a bridge club here. Do you fancy playing?"

0:34:020:34:04

He's in Leyhill Open Prison in Gloucestershire,

0:34:040:34:07

which has been described as...

0:34:070:34:08

I usually prefer the Ritz. Though not this week,

0:34:100:34:13

it must have been like that episode of Fawlty Towers in there.

0:34:130:34:16

Liz Hurley was recently given £240 worth of parking tickets

0:34:210:34:25

when she left her car on the streets of Mayfair for four days,

0:34:250:34:28

after she had forgotten where she had parked it.

0:34:280:34:32

Apparently, it was down to the Sun newspaper,

0:34:320:34:34

who reported that they:

0:34:340:34:36

God, they're good! Aren't they?

0:34:390:34:41

I wonder how they'd done it.

0:34:410:34:43

I wonder if they used any sort of technology?

0:34:430:34:47

Rich people don't behave like you and I -

0:34:470:34:49

all my money goes on my animals.

0:34:490:34:51

We don't know about leaving a little car here and a little car there.

0:34:510:34:54

-What animals do you have?

-He's got 3,000 animals.

0:34:540:34:57

Yes, thousands of animals, yes.

0:34:570:34:59

-And so we just...

-What...?

0:34:590:35:00

-What are they?

-Are you expecting a flood?

-I have to tell you now...

0:35:020:35:06

Should we not know?

0:35:060:35:08

They have all received

0:35:120:35:13

a parking ticket,

0:35:130:35:15

apart from George Osborne,

0:35:150:35:17

who didn't, because he can park wherever he likes.

0:35:170:35:20

George Osborne's car was parked illegally

0:35:200:35:22

when he went to get a meal in McDonald's.

0:35:220:35:25

Well, as a Chancellor,

0:35:250:35:26

he's used to opening boxes with unpleasant surprises inside!

0:35:260:35:30

Osborne stopped at McDonald's just off the M4 as he returned from...

0:35:320:35:37

Where a group of toddlers pointed out the holes

0:35:400:35:43

in his deficit reduction plan.

0:35:430:35:45

-It's time now for the missing words...

-Oh, good.

0:35:470:35:49

..which this week features as its guest publication

0:35:490:35:53

my own local paper, the Barnsley Chronicle.

0:35:530:35:57

Of course, it's not all just about Barnsley.

0:35:570:35:59

They've got a foreign correspondent based in Wakefield.

0:35:590:36:02

And we start with:

0:36:040:36:05

-Breed with humans. No.

-Not breed with humans?

0:36:090:36:12

This is a lovely series.

0:36:150:36:17

This is "Choo-choo"... Michael Portillo's

0:36:170:36:20

proposed filming in south Yorkshire,

0:36:200:36:22

which, according to the Barnsley Chronicle:

0:36:220:36:24

I should think by then,

0:36:280:36:29

they'll have had time to clear away the bunting and party balloons.

0:36:290:36:33

And next:

0:36:330:36:35

Thatcher!

0:36:380:36:41

-Just giving Ken a bad time.

-Don't forget, we're in Yorkshire.

0:36:420:36:46

I didn't know it had died.

0:36:520:36:54

-It's a piece of wood. There's a hole in it.

-Yes.

0:36:540:36:57

And you put a piece of wood inside and it sticks out.

0:36:570:37:01

And you've got a great big stick here and you kind of hit it,

0:37:010:37:03

and it used to go right up in the air and then wham!

0:37:030:37:06

You could hit a farmer or a policeman from 100 yards.

0:37:060:37:10

-I think I've seen this. Bang, like that?

-That's it.

0:37:100:37:13

It's a bloody good weapon. They could use it in North Korea.

0:37:130:37:17

And next:

0:37:170:37:18

Confront Murdoch.

0:37:250:37:26

-Buy some curtains.

-Yes!

0:37:280:37:30

-Brilliant.

-Buy some curtains?

0:37:300:37:34

-Did you say buy some curtains?

-Yes, I did.

-No, that's a crap answer.

0:37:340:37:38

Well...

0:37:430:37:45

Isn't that what you said?

0:37:450:37:47

-Did you say that?

-Yes.

0:37:470:37:49

-Give the point back! I'm sorry.

-And next:

0:37:490:37:52

-To be remade.

-Yes.

0:37:560:37:59

According to the Telegraph,

0:37:590:38:02

Blake's 7 wouldn't have been a cult hit without guest appearances by

0:38:020:38:07

Julian Glover, Roy Kinnear, and, of course, legendary Brian Blessed.

0:38:070:38:12

You've added the word "legendary"!

0:38:120:38:17

I was Vultan in Flash Gordon.

0:38:180:38:20

-Yeah, I remember that bit.

-I was a sex symbol.

0:38:200:38:24

I got 28 million letters a bloody week.

0:38:240:38:28

And finally:

0:38:300:38:31

They don't like coming back,

0:38:340:38:36

because it was so wonderful up there, and then they've come back.

0:38:360:38:39

They've stood on the moon.

0:38:390:38:40

They've looked at the blue and green planet

0:38:400:38:42

spinning in the middle of the black velvet around it and all the stars,

0:38:420:38:46

as if casually tossed against a sort of...

0:38:460:38:48

Oh, I don't know what I'm talking about. Is it headache?

0:38:480:38:52

The answer is:

0:38:520:38:54

This is the newly discovered transcripts of Apollo 10,

0:38:560:38:59

which feature the mission commander saying:

0:38:590:39:02

I've always thought the first shit in space

0:39:060:39:09

was going to be Richard Branson.

0:39:090:39:12

Do you want me to tell my story?

0:39:120:39:15

You might as well.

0:39:150:39:17

No, he says no! He knows what it is.

0:39:170:39:21

He knows what it is.

0:39:210:39:24

So, the final scores are... Bridget and Paul have got six.

0:39:240:39:29

And my two friends on the right - the ex-Lord Mayor Mr Livingstone

0:39:290:39:33

and Ian Hislop - they've got six!

0:39:330:39:36

A wonderful draw!

0:39:360:39:37

APPLAUSE

0:39:400:39:41

SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE

0:39:410:39:43

That felt really good - someone referring to me and Ken as,

0:39:460:39:48

"My two friends on the right."

0:39:480:39:50

-Do I continue now, then, Paul?

-That's up to your agent.

0:39:520:39:58

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists -

0:40:020:40:06

Ian Hislop and Ken Livingstone, Paul Merton and Bridget Christie!

0:40:060:40:10

APPLAUSE

0:40:100:40:12

And I leave you with news that in Alabama,

0:40:170:40:20

a group of gay rights activists campaign for same-sex marriage.

0:40:200:40:24

In southwest China, a cormorant salesman is advised by locals

0:40:280:40:32

to "go and get those looked at".

0:40:320:40:34

And the row over the cost of Lady Thatcher's funeral escalates,

0:40:370:40:41

with the delivery of the hearse.

0:40:410:40:43

Good night, and don't let the bastards grind you down!

0:40:460:40:50

APPLAUSE

0:40:500:40:52

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:41:190:41:23

And so our little thing is, which won't be shown...

0:41:270:41:30

You can see my hands.

0:41:300:41:31

We used to play marbles and we had ball bearings

0:41:310:41:34

and we had glass arrows and we had glass marbles in the war years.

0:41:340:41:38

And as a good marble player...

0:41:380:41:40

A poor marble player did that,

0:41:400:41:42

but a good marble player could turn -

0:41:420:41:45

which is rather handsome -

0:41:450:41:47

put the marble just there, between the thumb and finger and shoot.

0:41:470:41:50

And you had immense accuracy.

0:41:500:41:52

Have you lost any of those marbles since then?

0:41:520:41:55

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