Episode 11 Have I Got a Bit More News for You


Episode 11

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Transcript


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Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Mel Giedroyc. - I'm Ray Winstone.

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I'm Richard Osman. - I'm Kathy Burke.

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I'm Jo Brand. In the news this week,

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backstage at Strictly Come Dancing, Bruce Forsyth's family

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watch him finally get to the end of an autocue link.

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LAUGHTER

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As the major parties gear up for the next election,

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one householder is just a few seconds too late

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in pretending he's not at home.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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There's evidence that whilst Nigella Lawson was on drugs

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she may have made a few mistakes with her burrito recipe.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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And in Cyprus,

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after his meeting with the Finance Minister is cancelled,

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Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls has two hours to kill

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before his flight home.

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DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

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This is the funeral of Margaret Thatcher, and the man of the moment,

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who's had a haircut, by the look of it.

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Oh! LAUGHTER

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A man with clear political vision.

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I did think that about halfway through.

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Having started off thinking, "What a waste of money."

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Then I thought, "Well, actually, we've got all this kit,

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"we've got these cathedrals, we've got the choirs, we've got the army,

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"might as well use them, really."

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It was great. I mean, I do like funerals,

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and I realised halfway through, "I'm really enjoying this

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"and I don't really care whose funeral it is."

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People like you, Ian. I bought your magazine this week.

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Page after page after page.

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You adored... That's how magazines work.

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LAUGHTER

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They work like that. Just one of them and it's just a sheet of paper.

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There was a moment, in fact, I actually thought that

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the great lady herself was going to come to life once more.

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Oh, really? Because...

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That would have been interesting television, wouldn't it?

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Well, it would have been wonderful for the world.

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But the reason I thought... LAUGHTER

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..I thought it might have happened, seriously, is I glanced under

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David Cameron, the Prime Minster's chair... Yes.

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He was seated adjacent to the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh,

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and under his chair was a bottle of Evian water.

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French water! In St Paul's at Margaret Thatcher's funeral.

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I was surprised that the casket didn't burst open,

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and a hand come out and grab it from under the chair.

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She would not have approved of that.

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Most people don't come back from the dead because of mineral water.

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Did you see how the BBC announced the news?

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Yes. Can we see it again?

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I have to interrupt you there cos there's one more line,

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just as you were reading that, which has come in from Lord Bell.

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And he's been quoted saying, "It is with great sadness that

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"Mark and Carol Thatcher announce that their mother Baroness Thatcher

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"died peacefully following a strike this morning."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Did you hear about Julian Stiles? According to The Mirror...

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30 years without a job?

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Pull your finger out, Julian, you lazy bastard!

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I'll chin you, you bastard!

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Let's abandon this show. Let's...

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Brian says, "Who wants a fight?"

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I'm going... Am I on that?

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Yes, you're on this now.

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I don't know what you're on!

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Jeffrey Archer paid tribute to Lady Thatcher, saying...

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Jeffrey Archer, not just a terrible writer,

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but also a terrible writer.

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Yes. UKIP. That's Ken Clarke.

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This is the crushing defeat of the Conservative Party.

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Well, you may laugh, but by the time this goes out...

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Nigel Farage will be Prime Minister.

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That's the problem - Kenneth Clarke.

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The Tories were incredibly scared that UKIP would take

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all their seats, so Kenneth Clown... Kenneth Clown!

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APPLAUSE

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Thank goodness it wasn't Jeremy Hunt.

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APPLAUSE

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Which other high-calibre names are lining up to be UKIP

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General Election candidates? Do you know?

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Both the Hamiltons. That's right. Christine and Neil.

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GROANING Yes, you groan!

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But come the Farage Cabinet, you're looking at the Home Secretary...

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..and the First Lord of the Admiralty.

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That's Christine.

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I don't think there are any loonies on the right of British politics.

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You don't think that Nigel Farage is insane?

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No, no, I don't.

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I think Nigel Farage is broadly a good egg.

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LAUGHTER

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Nigel Farage is, like, the fevered wet dream of Jeremy Clarkson,

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that is all he is.

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I'm not sure I quite understand.

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Shall we have a look at Farage on the front page

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of The Times this week?

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It's Hitler combined with a sort of one-sided Fu Manchu.

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Tommy Robinson, what did he do this week?

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He resigned from the English Defence League and...

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He found out, much to his horror, that a lot of them are racist.

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And do you know what Tommy Robinson does for a living?

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Does he work at the United Nations?

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He also used to run a tanning shop. Exactly right, yes.

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What? Changing the colour of people's skin? Yeah.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So your customer comes in, "Come in, madam."

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Half an hour later, "You can get out!"

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Explaining his decision to quit the EDL, Tommy Robinson said...

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Yes, it's always the tiny minority that makes

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marching on a mosque such an unpleasant experience.

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I don't know who these people are.

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So, what...?

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I can't say who these people are or I can say who they are...?

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We are allowed to report the facts.

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OK. 1066 was the Battle of Hastings...

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I mean, Andy Coulson is still allowed to give interviews in GQ.

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I mean, we're not allowed to say anything about him

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under the laws of contempt, obviously, and I wouldn't want to.

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Instead... If we are so wary of words,

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is there any way you could express an opinion

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through contemporary dance?

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You'll get sued. You'll get sued.

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At last, someone could go to prison for mime.

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There is one High Court case we can talk about.

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Did anyone see Bernie Ecclestone turning up for his case?

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It was great. He was rather baffled by the concept of revolving doors.

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Here he goes. Now so far, so good, you see?

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Now, just come - walk out. No, no...

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No, no, no.

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No, no, no...

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This is the trial of Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson.

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Since we can't make jokes about any of the defendants,

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let's make some jokes about you, Godfrey.

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Here's what you got up to 30 years ago on your stag night.

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VICTORIA: Oh, bless her, she's doing such a good job of smiling,

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isn't she? Oh, I know. Amazing.

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GODFREY: I was a good-looking dude in those days, Victoria.

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- You're very good looking now. - Very kind of you.

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- But it's possible that standing there in just her pants

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while a man in a suit rubs his face in her tits

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wasn't the greatest night of her life. It's possible. APPLAUSE

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I know you've said that women aren't very good drivers,

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but they're much better than men at finding the mustard in the pantry.

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And I wondered, was that a euphemism?

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Like, have you often found yourself, you know, with women,

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and you feel like you've been rummaging for ages

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in the pantry, and...

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You know, she's screaming, "You just can't find the mustard."

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Is that... LAUGHTER

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..where that came from?

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I'm sorry, are we talking French or English?

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This week it was reported that the Mirror Group is now facing 55 claims

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of phone hacking, so before we're not allowed to talk about that case,

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can I just say, Piers Morgan is a total arse.

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APPLAUSE

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It's Ed. Is Ed Miliband trying not to listen to an Ed Balls speech?

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Oh, look, there's someone spying on him from the Mail.

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And that's Karl Marx's grave.

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This is the Labour Conference, and they had Damian McBride's book.

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Yes, Damian McBride was hoping to upstage the Conference. Yes.

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Did you see him being introduced on Newsnight?

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Damian McBride.

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McPoison, as he's known to his many enemies,

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or McPrickface as he was referred to

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in a recent cache of Downing Street e-mails.

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He's so used to being called McPrickface...

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Would anyone like to see the chat up technique

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of Danny "Fancy A Brandy?" Alexander? Oh, yeah.

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This Conference has been so busy. FEMALE JOURNALIST: Yeah.

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I've had so many things to do. So, I haven't been up late, um...

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..relaxing in the bar, so that's not a problem.

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That'll come on...Wednesday, maybe? Maybe tonight.

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Maybe tonight, good.

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How about you? Um...

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What have Ed Balls and Ed Miliband been 'inting at?

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Been...? Been hinting at? Yeah.

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What have they been hinting at? Don't know.

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So posh.

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Oh! You're wearing a suit.

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I can afford it.

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That's cos you don't pay any tax.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Aww.

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That's why he's dressed up, he was in court this morning!

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Also, did anyone see how Mark Austin addressed ITV's News at Ten viewers

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this week? No. Would you like to?

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Yes. Yeah.

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This is ITV News at Ten,

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with Mark Austin and Julie Etchingham.

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Good evening, paedophiles.

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Brilliant!

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This is Camilla, and she made her first speech in French,

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and she was a bit nervous about it, but it went very well.

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She's a golden creature that seems to bathe in heavenly light

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wherever she goes.

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She smokes fags, as well.

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That's correct. It IS correct.

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And before she set off, she had a word with the press,

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and sounded extremely confident

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about how well her first solo trip would go.

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My first solo. Brilliant.

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My first solo - probably my last.

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No, no, no!

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Yeah, and it would've been, had the Duke of Edinburgh's men

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not been waiting in the wrong tunnel.

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LAUGHTER AND GROANS

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So, um...

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In other royal news, how did the Queen pose for a photograph

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showing that she belonged to the ancient Order of the Thistle?

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There's a striking, dramatic photograph

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on the Scottish moors, isn't it?

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It looks like something you should see on a tea-towel.

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It will be, one day.

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Yes, this is the Queen in a Scottish glen.

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There we are, look at that. Looking delighted.

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- She does not know much about hill walking, does she?

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LAUGHTER

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What did Dame Helen Mirren do while dressed as the Queen?

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She was doing The Audience in the West End of London,

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reprising her role as Her Majesty the Queen,

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and a bunch of gay drummers was drowning her out. Mm.

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And she come out and complained about it.

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I think... She told them to BLEEP off.

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How did they know it wasn't the Queen?

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Precisely, yeah.

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They must've thought, "Bloody hell!"

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Well... When she says BLEEP off...

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Yeah, you stay BLEEP-ed off!

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Helen Mirren stormed out of her West End play this week

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in order to shout at a group of drummers publicising a gay festival.

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The organiser said...

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What, a screaming queen on a gay parade? That IS a shock.

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Oh, that's Rebekah Brooks!

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Who's that? Oh, Lord!

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I mean, it's Theresa May,

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but it's like looking in a mirror. I'm always doing that.

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What, it's just fallen off, the shoe?

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To be honest, after the photograph of Mr Bloom,

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I was so relieved to see a burka.

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You know, I... Just thank goodness.

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You know the world's still run by men

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when any women are wearing either a burka or hot pants.

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Feminism will have won when everyone is just

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in a nice comfy, knee-length dress with a cardigan.

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I couldn't agree more.

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So I think the story was about a man dressed in a burka.

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Yes, ironically, the first person

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ever to be liberated by wearing a burka.

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A man, obviously.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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He was tagged, wasn't he?

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He was under really close surveillance, so he managed

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to nip into a mosque in Acton, change into a burka and run for it.

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Is it G4S who's in charge? It is indeed G4S in charge.

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I didn't want to create any more legal problems.

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Here's a picture of him before and afterwards.

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We see him going into the mosque on the left,

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that's him leaving the mosque on the right.

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Five times a day - that's going to work any tag loose.

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You can't tell, he's got a burka on.

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The tag may still be on. He might be limping.

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We've got to presume it's not.

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Otherwise they'd have brought him in.

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Oh, it's G4S, yes, of course.

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Er, this is clearly somebody trying to post letters, there.

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There's the dog helping him out.

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The Royal Mail has been sold off, hasn't it, Mark?

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Now, even Thatcher said, "We will not privatise the Royal Mail,"

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but this lot have decided to do it.

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And you have to conclude they really, genuinely would sell their granny.

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It's as if the country is being run by Ryanair now.

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You just pay for your little thing, and that's it, nothing else.

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"I don't want to pay for libraries, I don't go to the library.

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"I'm not paying for the fire service, I'm not on fire.

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"Look at all the money that gets wasted on guide dogs.

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"I can't climb a tree, nobody buys me a gibbon."

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APPLAUSE

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According to The Times,

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this might not be the last privatisation we see, as well.

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What else have they suggested might be privatised?

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The Queen.

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They haven't yet, but that would be oversubscribed, wouldn't it?

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I'd like a piece of her.

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I've heard the rumours.

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What else have they got left to sell off?

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I think the next one will be lamp posts.

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I think they'll sell off lamp posts,

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only you'll have to put 5p in a little meter.

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And it'll give you just enough light to get to the next one,

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and you'll put another 5p in.

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Somewhere George Osborne is writing that down.

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You know that, don't you?

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Yes, this is the mad rush to buy shares in the Royal Mail.

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To our younger viewers, a letter is a bit like a text,

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but you write it down with a pen and you put it in an envelope,

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and then buy a sort of sticker to put on it,

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and then you put it in the hole in one of those red boxes,

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and within two days it'll be delivered to the wrong house

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somewhere near where your friend lives.

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Dancing, socks.

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Oh, more Scottish dancing. More dancing.

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You're talking about dancing a lot, aren't you? Yes.

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Yeah, I'm sorry, we'll get on with it. Um...

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If they go independent, the Chancellor has said to them,

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"Well, you can't have the pound."

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Ah. And Alex Salmond, who will be in charge of Scotland...

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His title isn't clear yet, it may be King.

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Last year, he was really keen on having the euro,

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but then something happened, er...

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So what do the Scots want?

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Well, we don't know yet, we haven't asked them on the referendum.

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Well, hold on a minute. They want independence...

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If I give the wrong answer, do you get out the pliers? No, you get cut.

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So what's the latest economic news, then?

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We nearly went into recession but we didn't,

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so George Osborne says, "That's fine.

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"We've got enormous growth of about 0.3%."

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That's bang on, yeah, which is four-fifths of BLEEP all.

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We're still, apparently, 1.2 trillion in debt,

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and if we pay it back at this rate, how long will it take to clear it?

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It depends if we go to Wonga or not.

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400 years. (God!)

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So it's not really our problem, is it?

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This is a row as to whether the independent Scotland

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would be able to use the pound as its currency.

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Alex Salmond has called for the creation of a Sterling-Zone,

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which sounds good but the way the economy's going,

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I think we'd be calling it Poundland.

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Money being printed, obviously.

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RBS, Royal Bank of Scotland not giving people money,

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being very, very bad people.

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People couldn't get their credit cards to work the other day

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on one of the biggest shopping days of the year,

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Christmas rush and all that,

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so people are very unhappy with the Royal Bank of Scotland.

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That's right. What have the press and sad, desperate marketing people

0:18:440:18:49

been trying to do?

0:18:490:18:50

Call this a special day?

0:18:500:18:52

Black Friday or something? Cyber Monday.

0:18:520:18:54

Supersonic Tuesday.

0:18:540:18:56

Next it'll be Wank Wednesday...

0:18:570:19:00

..Thuck Off Thursday...

0:19:000:19:03

What was the effect of all this hype?

0:19:030:19:05

People were fighting in Argos.

0:19:050:19:07

Don't they go to Argos and hit each other?

0:19:070:19:10

I've seen it on the news, it's fantastic.

0:19:100:19:12

People attacking each other in Argos? You've seen this on the news?

0:19:120:19:16

Yeah. Well, he's not been there, has he?

0:19:160:19:18

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:180:19:20

Yes, this is RBS, the bank that likes to pay less,

0:19:220:19:25

whose entire computer system failed on Cyber Monday.

0:19:250:19:28

To be fair, everyone was affected.

0:19:280:19:31

Even senior bankers found out their credit cards had stopped working.

0:19:310:19:34

Paul Flowers had to chop out his coke with his bus pass.

0:19:340:19:37

This week also saw the UK's first ever Black Friday discount day.

0:19:380:19:43

One very special offer for shoppers in Manchester promised...

0:19:430:19:47

They're even offering a choice of kebab -

0:19:530:19:55

Donner, Blitzen or Rudolph.

0:19:550:19:58

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

0:19:580:20:01

It's a train. Mm-hm. Oh, that's a proper train.

0:20:040:20:07

Yes, well, you know they're building this enormous boondoggle up north,

0:20:070:20:11

Ian, and... Is that a technical term? Yes, boondoggle, it's...

0:20:110:20:14

In economics, it's called a big fricking waste of money.

0:20:140:20:16

You can't get to Birmingham fast enough.

0:20:180:20:21

- You can in your virtual self.

0:20:210:20:23

Impossible.

0:20:230:20:25

Do you know this week's figure of how much it's going to cost?

0:20:260:20:29

I think it's 130 zillion.

0:20:290:20:32

Well, the government's current budget is 50 billion,

0:20:330:20:36

although one independent study says it's going to cost 80 billion.

0:20:360:20:39

You've got Mark Carney now as the Bank Of England chief,

0:20:390:20:42

he can just print it. Just print 80 billion, just print it,

0:20:420:20:44

that's what he does, that's what he's there for. Print more money!

0:20:440:20:47

Doesn't matter if it's 100 billion, 200 billion,

0:20:470:20:50

just print money, it's fine.

0:20:500:20:51

You put the money in the train and take it to Birmingham.

0:20:510:20:53

Listen, max - one hour 20 minutes to Birmingham.

0:20:530:20:57

It's too long.

0:20:570:20:58

It's more like an hour.

0:21:000:21:02

Did you hear the actual words of the dire warning from the government

0:21:020:21:05

about the consequences if Labour do not and everybody does not...?

0:21:050:21:08

I'd like to hear you say it. The precise words were...

0:21:080:21:10

It's just hard to imagine what that would be like, isn't it?

0:21:160:21:19

Monsieur Raymond Blanc, the television chef,

0:21:230:21:25

tweeted what appeared to be a sarcastic remark

0:21:250:21:28

about the winner 24 hours before the winner was announced

0:21:280:21:32

and possibly spoilt the whole competition.

0:21:320:21:34

Bake Off fans were furious.

0:21:340:21:36

What did former finalist Mary-Anne Boermans

0:21:360:21:39

compare the situation to? Do you know? No.

0:21:390:21:42

The end of the Crimean War.

0:21:420:21:44

She said it was...

0:21:450:21:47

Good grief!

0:21:500:21:52

Does that happen?! Oh, no!

0:21:520:21:54

This is the grand final of Bake Off, which I watched this week.

0:21:570:22:00

It was contested by three female cooks, which is odd

0:22:000:22:03

because I happen to know for a fact that the best bakers are all male

0:22:030:22:06

and they're all called Gregg.

0:22:060:22:08

One of the finalists, Ruby Tandoh,

0:22:100:22:12

received a lot of coverage for her looks.

0:22:120:22:14

She complained, saying...

0:22:140:22:16

Ruby, you're dough-eyed.

0:22:240:22:27

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:270:22:30

That's dough with an O-U-G-H.

0:22:340:22:36

If I'm not at home, leave it with my neighbour.

0:22:360:22:39

Recently discovered footage shows a young Boris Johnson

0:22:410:22:44

helping his brother perform a magic trick.

0:22:440:22:47

In Moscow, the Russian mafia launch their own version of Ocado.

0:22:550:22:59

And in Doncaster,

0:23:030:23:04

Mrs Ivy Hinchcliffe still hasn't come home from Bingo.

0:23:040:23:08

And so to Round Two, The One-Armed Bandit Of News.

0:23:150:23:19

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.

0:23:190:23:22

BUZZER

0:23:270:23:29

That's a mocked-up Alex Ferguson, Sir Alex Ferguson,

0:23:290:23:31

English football's most successful ever manager has just resigned.

0:23:310:23:35

Absolutely. John, will you be writing a poem for the occasion?

0:23:350:23:37

Are you a Man United fan? I approached this from the wrong angle.

0:23:370:23:40

I was looking at this monitor and that monitor

0:23:400:23:43

and trying to spot the 15 differences. Oh, I see, yes.

0:23:430:23:46

I'm going to have to give this one the swerve.

0:23:490:23:52

So can we do a quick Fergie quiz? Yeah. Yes, please.

0:23:520:23:54

What does Alex Ferguson keep by his bed?

0:23:540:23:57

His wife.

0:23:570:23:58

Hopefully he keeps her in his bed, not by it.

0:24:030:24:06

Do you think she has to stand there all night?

0:24:060:24:08

She's on the subs bench until she...

0:24:100:24:13

He calls her on.

0:24:130:24:14

No, he keeps... By his bed, he keeps JFK's autopsy report.

0:24:170:24:23

Now can anyone here impersonate a Liverpudlian?

0:24:230:24:27

I have to tell you that Jon Snow can't.

0:24:270:24:30

Here he is discussing Alex Ferguson's departure.

0:24:300:24:33

Well, I was driven here by a Liverpool supporter who said...

0:24:330:24:37

LIKE A PIRATE: "Oh, I hope they take Moyes..."

0:24:370:24:40

because they really do regard him.

0:24:400:24:42

LIKE A PIRATE: When the tide is high

0:24:470:24:50

and the crow flies towards the horizon...

0:24:500:24:53

..there will be change of management, arr!

0:24:540:24:57

This is the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson.

0:25:000:25:02

As the news spread on Wednesday,

0:25:020:25:04

shocked Man United fans gathered in the city centre,

0:25:040:25:07

bringing London's traffic to a standstill.

0:25:070:25:11

Buying meat products has never been so difficult.

0:25:110:25:14

You never know what's inside.

0:25:140:25:15

So, now onto the pies of news.

0:25:150:25:19

Buzz in when you've identified the news filling.

0:25:190:25:22

BELL RINGS

0:25:260:25:27

Ian.

0:25:270:25:29

LAUGHTER

0:25:290:25:31

That's the winner of the Grand National.

0:25:310:25:34

This is horse meat found in products,

0:25:340:25:36

including one which is meant to be fish.

0:25:360:25:38

Beef lasagne, eaten any of that?

0:25:380:25:41

Not recently, but apparently that had a problem with horses in it.

0:25:410:25:44

Wasn't that 100% horse meat? Yeah.

0:25:440:25:47

It actually came with a sheepskin nose band.

0:25:470:25:49

They've tracked it all down to this Romanian abattoir,

0:25:510:25:53

and the bloke was outraged.

0:25:530:25:54

He said, "Of course it's horse, that's what we sell.

0:25:540:25:57

"We sell horse, it's really good."

0:25:570:25:59

I tell you what, what is the world coming to

0:25:590:26:01

if you can't trust a Romanian abattoir?

0:26:010:26:03

BUZZER

0:26:080:26:09

Here we go, Paul. Yes, this is the new Pope.

0:26:090:26:12

We have not had one from Latin America before,

0:26:120:26:15

and for the first time in 600 years

0:26:150:26:17

there are two popes in existence.

0:26:170:26:19

And this one's very good. He goes everywhere, he travels by bus,

0:26:190:26:21

he doesn't insist on being called the Pope, he's a very humble Pope.

0:26:210:26:25

Yeah, travels by bus for free!

0:26:250:26:28

If there's two popes,

0:26:280:26:29

then presumably he could also give up and there would be three popes.

0:26:290:26:32

As soon as you've got three popes,

0:26:320:26:34

you've got yourself a boyband. Exactly!

0:26:340:26:36

Yes, he lived a very frugal life. According to the Telegraph,

0:26:360:26:39

after realising he wouldn't be going back to Argentina...

0:26:390:26:42

Like the newsagent wouldn't know he'd become Pope!

0:26:460:26:48

I think they were very pleased in Argentina.

0:26:520:26:55

Here's a woman reacting to the news he's become Pope.

0:26:550:26:57

SHE SHOUTS IN SPANISH

0:26:570:27:01

And here is the reaction in London.

0:27:050:27:08

It's Cardinal Bergoglio, from Buenos Aires.

0:27:080:27:12

ALL: Ahhhh.

0:27:120:27:14

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:140:27:17

BELL RINGS

0:27:250:27:26

This is the new motto for the Fukushima nuclear power plant.

0:27:260:27:31

which had a meltdown last year and unbelievably,

0:27:310:27:34

I don't know if I can actually say this live,

0:27:340:27:37

but this character, because it's Fukushima, is known as Fukuppy.

0:27:370:27:41

Amazingly, you're almost exactly right.

0:27:480:27:51

This is Fukuppy,

0:27:510:27:52

the mascot of Fukushima Industries, which makes commercial freezers.

0:27:520:27:56

"It really is a schoolboy error for a company to leave

0:27:560:27:59

"the name of its fridges open to such puerile jokes,"

0:27:590:28:02

said the managing director of Smeg.

0:28:020:28:04

BELL RINGS

0:28:100:28:11

Yes, is this the priest who's got an organ growing out of his head?

0:28:110:28:15

No.

0:28:150:28:16

This is the news that a swan named Hooper

0:28:160:28:18

has fallen in love with a helicopter.

0:28:180:28:20

No, it hasn't! No, it has.

0:28:200:28:22

It happened at Le Mielles Golf Club in Jersey,

0:28:220:28:24

which is where Hooper lives. According to The Times...

0:28:240:28:27

Gold-digger!

0:28:330:28:34

We've got a picture.

0:28:350:28:36

That's just a swan flying past a helicopter. In flagrante.

0:28:360:28:40

That's not proof the two of them are in love!

0:28:400:28:43

I call that... It's not a very romantic picture, is it?

0:28:430:28:46

You cold, cold man.

0:28:460:28:48

I think that's tabloid intrusion.

0:28:480:28:50

There's always Zeus, isn't there? Zeus, yeah.

0:28:500:28:54

Helen of Troy was born out of a swan's egg.

0:28:540:28:56

I thought you were going to say Swansea for a minute!

0:28:560:28:59

Thought she was a Cardiff girl.

0:29:010:29:02

IMPERSONATING DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: The helicopter lands,

0:29:020:29:05

aware that his mate is somewhere in the field.

0:29:050:29:08

As the blades circle around, the swan picks up the scent of diesel...

0:29:100:29:15

..and comes lolloping out of the aircraft hangar.

0:29:170:29:19

And straight into the blades of the helicopter.

0:29:190:29:22

I know this one. Is it inbreeding in the royal family?

0:29:290:29:32

Isn't that the Duke of Clarence?

0:29:320:29:34

I'm quite nervous, it's my first show.

0:29:340:29:37

My dad actually rang me and went, "Don't spoil this for us."

0:29:370:29:40

What a starter for ten.

0:29:450:29:47

I've just been sat here, going, "Just don't, don't."

0:29:490:29:53

There's a discussion going on around me

0:29:530:29:55

and in my head two kittens are fighting over a pork chop.

0:29:550:29:58

Is it the original Olympic...?

0:29:580:30:01

There's beer swilling and shin kicking and... Yes, go on.

0:30:010:30:04

The Cotswold Olympics. That's it.

0:30:040:30:07

They were chronicled in an ancient pamphlet which is up for auction.

0:30:070:30:10

See if you can identify the sort of games that were played

0:30:100:30:13

using an image taken from the book.

0:30:130:30:15

Well, it looks like sword fighting we can see top right,

0:30:150:30:17

standing on your head in the middle...

0:30:170:30:19

Yeah. ..misunderstanding perspective.

0:30:190:30:21

That was a very popular sport at the time.

0:30:230:30:25

Anyone know what dwile flonking is?

0:30:250:30:27

It sounds like a daytime presenter - "Over to Dwile Flonking."

0:30:270:30:32

Is that the beer thing? Yes. Well done.

0:30:320:30:35

It's dodging beer-soaked rags. Dodging beer-soaked rags.

0:30:350:30:39

Why would you dodge them?

0:30:390:30:41

Now it's time to play The Wheel Of News Or Not News.

0:30:460:30:51

I'll spin the wheel and you have to identify the story

0:30:510:30:54

and tell me if it's news or not news.

0:30:540:30:56

BUZZER

0:31:000:31:01

Not news.

0:31:010:31:03

It's... What's the story? There isn't a story, it's not news.

0:31:030:31:06

It's a policeman giving

0:31:090:31:11

Iain Duncan Smith a head massage.

0:31:110:31:14

Clairvoyant police?

0:31:140:31:16

It is clairvoyant police.

0:31:160:31:18

And it's...

0:31:180:31:19

The police are going to be able to predict crimes before they happen.

0:31:210:31:25

You think I'm making it up. No. No, you're not making it up,

0:31:250:31:28

you're reading out something that somebody else has made up.

0:31:280:31:31

According to Pre-crime Commander, Simon Letchford... Pre-crime?!

0:31:310:31:35

Which has already identified the county of Midsomer.

0:31:420:31:45

The technique of identifying and arresting potential criminals

0:31:470:31:50

before they commit a crime is based on a method

0:31:500:31:52

developed by the Metropolitan Police.

0:31:520:31:54

Known as "institutional racism".

0:31:540:31:56

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:31:560:31:59

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

0:32:010:32:03

Cliff Richard,

0:32:030:32:05

the Oxford cox,

0:32:050:32:07

the Norwegian log fire

0:32:070:32:09

and the new Dutch King's inaugural song.

0:32:090:32:12

The new Dutch King had a song written for his coronation,

0:32:120:32:16

a special song...and decided he hated it.

0:32:160:32:19

The Oxford cox. He swore a lot during the race, this year. Yes.

0:32:190:32:23

Swore like a porn star all the way through.

0:32:230:32:25

Wasn't there a Norwegian TV show about logs, and getting logs,

0:32:270:32:31

and putting them in a fire?

0:32:310:32:33

And they complained about the way the logs were stacked?

0:32:330:32:35

That's exactly right. But no-one has ever complained about Cliff.

0:32:350:32:39

It's about people moaning.

0:32:390:32:41

Cliff isn't known for making people moan, is he?

0:32:410:32:44

LAUGHTER

0:32:440:32:46

They have all caused an audience to complain,

0:32:470:32:49

apart from Cliff Richard, whose music caused his audience to die.

0:32:490:32:53

According to Gardeners' Question Time,

0:32:540:32:57

a study conducted on the effect of music on plants

0:32:570:32:59

revealed that the plants which had been played Cliff's music all died.

0:32:590:33:04

A song composed to mark the inauguration

0:33:050:33:07

of the new King of the Netherlands was withdrawn by the composer

0:33:070:33:11

after it attracted a storm of criticism.

0:33:110:33:13

Let's have a look.

0:33:130:33:15

THEY SING IN DUTCH

0:33:150:33:17

Perhaps he's trying to get a reduction on his car insurance?

0:33:310:33:34

According to the Daily Telegraph, in musical terms, the song is

0:33:420:33:45

..known as crap.

0:33:490:33:50

I think I'd rather like that. Zadok the BLEEP.

0:33:520:33:55

LAUGHTER

0:33:550:33:57

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:34:050:34:07

Best reaction I've ever got out of Paul!

0:34:100:34:13

You've never said BLEEP before.

0:34:130:34:15

Adolf Hitler,

0:34:190:34:21

Robert Mugabe,

0:34:210:34:22

beards

0:34:220:34:23

and Yoda.

0:34:230:34:24

The only thing I've seen about Hitler in recent days

0:34:240:34:27

is a teapot or kettle that's come out

0:34:270:34:29

that closely resembles Adolf Hitler.

0:34:290:34:32

It includes the Hitler kettle.

0:34:320:34:34

I think a good starting place for this is Yoda.

0:34:340:34:38

Not Yoda in his sort of day job

0:34:380:34:41

but in a recent sideline he's developed.

0:34:410:34:45

Vodafone. Yes. Stick with advertising.

0:34:450:34:48

Robert Mugabe sponsors... Rice Krispies, I don't know.

0:34:480:34:51

Poor old Rice Krispies!

0:34:530:34:55

Snap, Crackle, Dead.

0:34:550:34:57

They're all officially advertising a product,

0:34:590:35:02

apart from Adolf Hitler, who is unwittingly advertising

0:35:020:35:04

a kettle because a billboard photo of the kettle looks like him.

0:35:040:35:08

That's amazing.

0:35:130:35:15

It must be deliberate, it's got to be deliberate.

0:35:150:35:17

Once you see it, you can't see the kettle any more.

0:35:170:35:20

The kettle's gone.

0:35:200:35:22

I mean, it's even got the salute on the spout, hasn't it?

0:35:220:35:25

So, beards are the new thing in advertising, according to

0:35:260:35:30

a Kentucky-based company who've introduced beard-vertising.

0:35:300:35:33

Oh, yes!

0:35:330:35:35

People have adverts put onto their beards, clipped on.

0:35:350:35:38

I must say, it looks fabulously impressive.

0:35:380:35:40

It is his face that sells it, isn't it?

0:35:430:35:46

What other beards have been in the news recently?

0:35:460:35:48

Oh, this is cats, people who pose with cats.

0:35:480:35:51

They hold a cat in a certain way so it makes it look like

0:35:510:35:53

the cat is part of a beard. Yeah. It's called cat-bearding.

0:35:530:35:56

LAUGHTER

0:35:560:35:58

Here's a cat beard.

0:35:580:35:59

Urgh!

0:35:590:36:01

And here's another.

0:36:020:36:04

And here's a dog beard.

0:36:100:36:11

Yes, so the answer is they are all officially advertising a product,

0:36:140:36:17

apart from Adolf Hitler, who is unwittingly advertising a kettle.

0:36:170:36:21

It's not so much the kettle that looks like Hitler I object to,

0:36:210:36:24

it's their marketing slogan -

0:36:240:36:25

"Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein sugar."

0:36:250:36:28

It's time now for the Missing Words Round,

0:36:310:36:34

which this week features as its guest publication...

0:36:340:36:36

..the magazine of the North of England Rat Society.

0:36:420:36:46

For northerners who don't find pigeons dirty enough.

0:36:470:36:50

And we start with...

0:36:530:36:55

Sexual tension.

0:36:590:37:00

MILES: The body count. It was an absolute blood bath.

0:37:020:37:05

The safety officer.

0:37:050:37:07

Looks all right to me.

0:37:100:37:13

Just chuck the rats on it.

0:37:130:37:14

This is good stuff.

0:37:160:37:17

The overall standard of ears.

0:37:170:37:20

Next...

0:37:200:37:22

One of the rounds on Bake Off.

0:37:240:37:26

Do you think you can just add boiling water and come back again?

0:37:320:37:36

The process reduces the body to powder,

0:37:360:37:38

and has been pioneered by a company called...

0:37:380:37:40

..whose slogan proudly states,

0:37:420:37:44

"We're the people who put the gran into granules."

0:37:440:37:46

Next...

0:37:490:37:50

Can't I be called Mr Chubby Chops instead?

0:37:530:37:55

Director of Fat says, "Put it over there with the rest of the fat.

0:37:580:38:00

"Stop asking me, it's obvious, fat pile there."

0:38:020:38:05

It's...

0:38:060:38:07

Next...

0:38:130:38:14

Wedge?

0:38:170:38:18

It's not a tricky twelve-incher, is it?

0:38:210:38:23

A birdie. An eagle.

0:38:250:38:26

An eagle? That would be a good story. Might be owl?

0:38:260:38:29

Takes an owl in his pants?

0:38:290:38:31

A two-week holiday?

0:38:330:38:34

The answer is...

0:38:370:38:39

Next...

0:38:410:38:43

Is it, "the BLEEP piss"?

0:38:450:38:46

The answer is...

0:38:510:38:52

No they don't!

0:38:540:38:57

This is the story of a court case in New York in which four chimpanzees

0:38:570:39:01

are seeking to be recognised as humans.

0:39:010:39:04

The complexities of the chimpanzees' case have left legal experts

0:39:040:39:08

scratching their heads,

0:39:080:39:09

rubbing their arses on ropes

0:39:090:39:11

and eating things from behind each other's ears.

0:39:110:39:13

Grow beards.

0:39:160:39:18

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:39:190:39:22

Leave Saudi Arabia.

0:39:240:39:27

According to the Telegraph,

0:39:270:39:28

the unwelcome visitors to Saudi Arabia were approached by the...

0:39:280:39:32

..with their traditional line of "Allah, Allah, Allah...

0:39:330:39:36

"What's all this, then?"

0:39:360:39:37

Before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

0:39:420:39:46

"What's that, Skippy?

0:39:460:39:47

"The guy fell down the stairs and none of us touched him?"

0:39:470:39:49

"That's nice, isn't it? I've only just come to visit your country,

0:39:520:39:55

"and here we are remembering old times."

0:39:550:39:57

GILES BRANDRETH: Oooh!

0:40:030:40:06

Oh, do you know? Let's not, let's just sit back and enjoy this.

0:40:060:40:10

I mean, come on, let's actually turn the corner in this show

0:40:110:40:14

in the last moments. Yeah.

0:40:140:40:16

Let's actually just let the country celebrate spring.

0:40:160:40:19

Let's not ruin it with any protest, just love it.

0:40:190:40:24

JOE WILKINSON: What about,

0:40:250:40:26

"Mouse celebrates spring by tickling bum with pollen"?

0:40:260:40:29

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:40:290:40:32

And I leave you with the news that, on the set of the new Transformers

0:40:390:40:42

movie, one of the extras gives up queuing for the toilet.

0:40:420:40:46

In Aldershot, in the playground of a primary school,

0:40:520:40:55

a pupil prepares for a visit from Michael Gove.

0:40:550:40:57

After announcing several more years of austerity,

0:41:030:41:06

George Osborne goes home to decorate his Christmas tree.

0:41:060:41:08

And, as Piers Morgan's success in the States continues to grow,

0:41:110:41:14

he moves his production company into a new office.

0:41:140:41:17

Good night.

0:41:220:41:24

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