Episode 2 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Stephen Mangan, and in the news this week,

at the NUT headquarters,

as Michael Gove gets stuck in a lift,

he's reassured it'll be repaired in no time...

..secret footage shows the truth about how Lidl make their salad...

..and in Kent, some UKIP supporters are hypnotised

and told to kill the Prime Minister.

NIGEL: That's a bit rich!

On Paul's team tonight is the leader of UKIP,

who was recently interviewed in his Mayfair office by Alastair Campbell,

thus giving the sniper across the street with one bullet

a terrible dilemma.

Please welcome Nigel Farage.

Thank you.

And with Ian tonight,

bringing our percentage of women on the show

to well above that of the coalition Cabinet,

it's comedian Roisin Conaty.

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Roisin, have a look at this.

Oh, this is Maria Miller. She's gone, going into a house, not hers.

Oh, she's changed her outfit.

There's another house. That's probably hers.

Oh, and it's a duck house. That's where she put her parents to live.

LAUGHTER

No, he doesn't think that's funny either.

-She's resigned.

-She's resigned! She's gone.

She said it was because she'd brought in gay marriage

and the evil press were out to get her.

But, you know, that's unfair, cos...

We were. Er...

But she did actually threaten the Telegraph when they brought it up.

One of her assistants said,

"My boss is in charge of Leveson and press behaviour."

The reason she went is the public are furious.

They've had enough of MPs claiming expenses

and it's very damaging for everyone, isn't it, Nigel?

Nigel, what do you think about her resigning?

On the basis she doesn't even know where she lives,

I wouldn't have thought she's fit to be in the Cabinet, would you?

I'd say good riddance, frankly.

I think it's absolutely disgusting, all these elected politicians

using all these expenses to better themselves.

It's disgraceful, isn't it, Ian?

It's absolutely disgraceful, Mr Kettle.

So why was Cameron so reluctant to get rid of her?

He didn't want to look weak,

he didn't want to lose one of the women in his Cabinet

and he doesn't like being told what to do.

And he's indecisive.

And he's hopeless.

It's not like the real world, is it?

She's lost her job but she's just gone to the back benches,

so it's not like...

It's like school - she had to stand up and say,

"Sorry for my attitude," and then got told to sit at the back of the class.

She was a woman who went to a comprehensive,

so he's done pretty well to communicate with her up till now.

In her resignation, she apologised.

-She said she was leaving because she'd become a "distraction".

-Yes.

Cats in tights on the internet are a distraction.

The press kept commissioning opinion polls,

all which said she should quit.

This is something David Cameron had actually told his MPs

to think about when the expenses scandal broke in 2009...

Well, Dave, it looks a bit like this...

And Sky News weren't to be left out.

They conducted its very own scientific survey of MPs.

Did you see this?

Two people think she should be sacked, one thinks no,

13 - no comment.

-It's not a very big poll, is it?

-No.

-It's barely a quiz.

-Is that a PLO scarf she's wearing?

-It is, actually, yeah.

It didn't help, the MPs who actually turned out to help her out.

I mean, first out was Iain Duncan Smith,

who's just brought in the Bedroom Tax, where you penalise

people for having a spare bedroom, and she's got a spare house!

They go to jail, she goes to the back benches...

-PUTS ON SURLY VOICE

-..for her attitude.

Who's replaced Maria Miller?

-Sajid...

-Sajid Javid.

-What you said.

-That's it.

He's completely different.

He used to work for a merchant bank.

Yeah.

Didn't he take over within three hours?

If you can leave your job within three hours,

your job probably isn't really worth anything.

Three hours?

It took me two weeks and two interviews

to get a job in Woolworths.

Yeah, but that's a proper job.

-Yeah, exactly.

-It's harder now they've gone bankrupt.

Much harder.

-And he replaced someone before, because of expenses, in 2009.

-Ah.

I think. So he's like Tory Polyfilla.

Any other casualties from this farrago?

Farrago sounds like...

Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.

Sounds like the Italian branch of your family, doesn't it?

Any other casualties?

Unruly blonde hair, is that a clue?

Oh, Michael Fabricant.

He got sacked, cos he tweeted, "About time," she was sacked.

Which suggests the Prime Minister was dithering. So he sacked him.

"You're out, Fabricant. Take your wig with you."

Take your wig with you, exactly, yeah. He tweeted:

Here he is.

For party officials, the final straw...

was seen coming out of his head.

Maria Miller's resignation attracted the usual bunch of rent-a-quotes...

That was Nigel Farage.

The same Nigel Farage who, in 2009, revealed that as an MEP,

he'd claimed, in expenses...

AUDIENCE BOOS

And who was it that brought up the issue of £2 million and me

and taxpayers' money?

-Denis MacShane.

-Yeah, he's in jail, but you're not.

-Yes, I had noticed that.

-Good. Erm...

Yes, well, as a tax-funded MEP,

Nigel Farage is an equal opportunities employer.

Some of our money has gone to his wife

and some to his mistress.

Erm, I think that is "allegedly", don't you?

I think that is "allegedly".

We can set the record straight right now.

I think you ought to say "allegedly", quite honestly.

Can I say, as a member of the press,

I think actors really are in need of a royal charter.

I mean, that sort of allegation is pretty distressing.

Is it true?

-No, afraid not.

-Not true at all.

-Not true at all.

-Any of the good bits?

LAUGHTER Well, that's...

There are good bits?!

-I'll tell you afterwards.

-Right.

-HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

Let's have a look, shall we, at some of those revelations.

Here is Nikki Sinclaire, a former UKIP MEP,

now representing the We Demand A Referendum Party

in the European Parliament.

Take a close look at the reaction of the translator

in the bottom left corner of the screen.

Does Mr Farage think it's a fair use of taxpayers' money,

namely his secretarial allowance, not only to employ his wife, Kirsten,

but his former mistress, Annabelle Fuller?

Is this a responsible use of taxpayers' money, Mr Farage?

I would just say this to you, Chairman -

this is somebody who hid under the cloak of parliamentary privilege

to make those comments and, when asked to repeat them publically,

refused to do so.

Quite funny, though.

David Cameron was very rude about your people, wasn't he, Nigel?

Oh, he always is. He can't help himself.

-Fruitcakes?

-Fruitcakes and loonies.

-And loonies, and worse.

-He said worse than that.

-He did.

-Extremists.

-Extremists?

-Yeah.

-Shocking(!)

-Well, I think it's time...

-LAUGHTER

I think it's time for a game of Fruitcake or Loony?

OK, everyone, fingers on your buzzers.

I'll show you some UKIP party members.

You have to buzz in and tell me whether they're a fruitcake...

..or a loony.

Here's the first one.

-NIGEL: I don't know who he is.

-Ian.

-I'm just guessing. Fruitcake.

-I'm afraid that's the wrong answer.

He's a loony.

He's a would-be UKIP counsellor and loony John Sullivan, who wrote...

Which is quite right, Mr Sullivan, and that's why you'll never see

a gay man down the gym.

APPLAUSE

Fingers on buzzers. Here's your next one.

BUZZER

-Nigel Farage, UKIP party.

-Uh...

This is a bit tricky, this one.

Cos he's the treasurer of one of our biggest donors.

I wouldn't really like to call Stuart Wheeler either.

-I'll have to go for fruitcake.

-Is the correct answer.

He got it right.

Yes, this is UKIP party treasurer Stuart Wheeler

and fruitcake who said that women had no place in the boardroom

and couldn't compete with men at sports,

even when they're not physically disadvantaged. He said...

Final go, fruitcake or loony?

Don't know the chap.

-No, anyone?

-I'm going to go for loony.

-Is the wrong answer.

It's actually a trick question.

He's not a fruitcake nor a loony, he's a closet racist.

At a public meeting about Travellers he said...

-His name is Rob Fraser.

-Thanks for telling me.

-There you go.

-UKIP supporter.

-Nice chap, buys his round.

So, back to Maria Miller.

Here's Sky News' Kay Burley getting some reactions.

So, how has David Cameron come out of this?

Let's talk to two Conservative MPs. Ben Harris-Quinney and Mark Wallace.

It's very kind of you to promote me to being an MP

but I haven't been elected by the people. I'm a mere humble blogger.

I'm quite happy arguing on the internet about politics, thank you.

Do you like being an MP, Ben?

-I'm not an MP either, I'm afraid.

-Oh, OK.

It's where the news happens second.

You can't see the bottom half of Kay Burley there

because she is busy kicking the researcher to death under her desk.

All three of them are bald and playing a game of musical wigs.

This is the resignation of Maria Miller,

the Minister for Culture. Accepting Maria Miller's resignation,

David Cameron praised her achievements including the fact

that thanks to her many more people...

Thus helping 180,000 of them

to sign an online petition calling for her to quit.

The only person to deliver a less credible apology this week

was Oscar Pistorius.

Her replacement, Sajid Javid, is a rising star at the Treasury

whose background as a former vice president at Chase Manhattan Bank

and then head of Deutsche Bank's Global Credit Trading,

Structured Finance and Securitisation in Asia

makes him the perfect choice for Culture Secretary.

Paul and Nigel, take a look at this.

This is New Zealand.

This is the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and, oh...

-NIGEL: What's he want to do with that?

-I don't know.

-Bit disturbing, isn't it?

-Is that the new baby? It is, I think.

Future King George.

There was a piece in the paper about how much he looked like his father.

Which was considered newsworthy.

-So, they've been to New Zealand.

-It's good news for the royal family.

It's nice, isn't it? It's good.

Bit of an exclusive, I think. A scoop.

What the prince picked up was, in fact, a poisoned dart. Is that right?

I don't know.

-To prove that he's friend rather than foe.

-I think that's right.

And he had to maintain eye contact throughout.

Although those tattooed buttocks might have been

a bit of a distraction. I'm not sure.

Were they distracting for you, Nigel?

Not personally.

We are, Ian...

-As you know, we're a very liberal-minded party.

-Absolutely.

I was going to suggest there's a gym nearby.

Flex your manifesto.

Yes, this is the visit of Wills and Kate to New Zealand.

-How did they begin their visit?

-They got off a plane.

Is the right answer.

Local knowledge helped there.

During the welcoming ceremony, who was that

displaying their tattooed buttocks and why was this unexpected?

Was it the Foreign Secretary?

He was a Maori warrior and they normally wear nothing

-under their grass skirt and ceremonial belt.

-Yeah.

But they agreed to wear an additional black thong.

What did Prince George do for the first time in New Zealand?

He waved. Yep, he's picked it up. Which is 90% of the job so...

Yes, he had his first official engagement, meeting dignitaries

including John Key, New Zealand's Prime Minister.

According to the Daily Mail...

..he made quite an impression on the baby.

Meanwhile in royal news back home, what's going on here?

This is the first visit to England by an Irish President.

That's him there. The little guy, Michael Higgins.

Rather overawed by where he is, I think.

I mean, he is a funny little fellow. There's no two ways about it.

My Irish cousins say the same so I'm trying not to be impolite.

It's of great historical significance.

-Who did he bring with him?

-McGuinness.

-Martin McGuinness.

He didn't technically bring him with him, did he?

It makes it sound like it's his plus one.

They had dinner and a lot of people complained saying,

"What is Martin McGuinness doing at a dinner with the Queen?"

-Eating.

-Eating.

-And toasting.

-Yeah.

-He toasted the Queen.

-He did.

Which I thought the complaints rather missed the point.

Which is when you make a peace treaty you do it with people

who don't like you very much.

And better to have him in a white tie than in a black beret

throwing things, really.

-What did the Queen wear to mark this occasion?

-Balaclava?

With the crown on top.

Make him feel at ease.

Break the tension a little bit.

"It's me!"

Yes, as a reference to the Emerald Isle

she wore the Grand Duchess Vladimir of Russia's tiara.

Which is decorated with emeralds.

And although McGuinness was invited to the state banquet,

the Queen made her feelings known by forcing him

to have a conversation with Ed Miliband.

And in the week when Royal favourite Princess Anne

suggested badgers should be gassed,

here's my favourite badger-related headline

which also involves Kelly Brook's boyfriend.

And, to be fair, we've all done it.

I suppose we should mention Europe.

Here's a BBC reporter at a debate about the EU.

We did talk to some UKIP people today who weren't happy at all

and they did say they thought - some might be coming along -

we'll have to see when the questions and answers come later,

-as to whether they are...

-I'm very sorry...

-I'm sorry.

..but we're having a meeting.

Well, you might have to speak even more quietly for a moment.

Unfortunately, I think we may leave it there.

Well, it's just a rank and file party member,

nothing to worry about, perfectly normal.

This is the visit of Wills and Kate to New Zealand.

The Daily Mail devoted eight pages of photos of the Royal Prince.

Which is fair enough

because nobody's ever seen a fucking baby before.

APPLAUSE

Back in the UK, the Queen hosted a state visit for the Irish President.

Controversially, they were joined at Windsor Castle by former

IRA Commander Martin McGuinness for a sumptuous banquet.

Though the choice of dessert was perhaps a little insensitive.

"Vanilla ice cream BOMBE."

-And so to Round Two, the One Armed Bandit Of News.

-Hurray!

Fingers on buzzer, team, here's the first one.

BUZZER

George Bush has proved that he's got some paint and a brush.

-And that's not too bad, I suppose. That's Tony Blair, I think.

-Is it?

I thought it was Putin.

I think he does the one face, to be honest. That is Putin with hair.

So, it's George Bush, he's become a painter.

-Now we know what he did with all that oil.

-Yeah, exactly.

He loves oil - painting, crude.

Baby?

Very little evidence for that.

Anyone know where this exhibition is being held?

It's in his front room.

Is it the seventh inner circle of hell?

It's at...

It's the one without the queue.

How did he announce the opening of the exhibition of portraits?

Well, he did his traditional countdown -

ten, nine, eight, nine, six...

Old joke. Forget it.

In a TV interview conducted with his daughter he said...

Don't worry, they won't.

Have a guess who the people he painted are supposed to be.

First up, who's this?

-NIGEL: That's Vlad.

-That is Vlad. Vladimir Putin.

It looks like he's only paid 50% of the sunbed fee.

A brown forehead in Russia is seen as a sign of weakness.

Who's this fella?

-NIGEL: Silvio Berlusconi.

-No, that's Bob Monkhouse.

Critics have described the portraits as "impersonal," why might that be?

-He copied them all off Google Images.

-He didn't!

Yeah, they are all off Google Images. I read this in the paper.

I thought all those people came and sat for him.

-He's traced them, effectively.

-Yes, that's pretty much the right answer.

Here's Putin again, with his Google Image picture.

And here's the Australian PM, John Howard.

-It's getting better.

-Yeah, well, I'll show you some more, then.

Here's my favourite. It's Rafa Benitez.

-Not really. That's Nouri al-Maliki, the Iraqi Prime Minister.

-Yeah.

His chin looks very close and his forehead looks very far away.

Sense of perspective, always George's problem.

It's quite sad. Clinton and Blair, they're still on the world stage

and he's just painting people he used to know.

Sort of imagine him putting them all on chairs

and sort of chatting to them.

Where might his pictures find a permanent home?

Landfill.

They might end up in the Museum of Bad Art in Massachusetts.

Let's have a look at some of the exhibits.

This is the "Mana Lisa."

And here's one of the Obamas.

-Nigel, have you had your portrait done?

-No.

How would you describe your look?

-Ragged.

-Ragged?

-Mm.

Anyone else have a view on how Nigel looks?

Swivel-eyed?

Well, I think Defence Minister Anna Soubry described you best,

Nigel, when she told viewers of Andrew Marr's programme...

Wow!

APPLAUSE

That's what we expect.

I get lonely.

These are the paintings by former President George W Bush.

His paintings were described as...

..by one art critic. As...

..by another. But as "magnificent masterpieces worthy of Michelangelo"

by Tony Blair.

Here's George Bush's portrait of Tony Blair.

To be fair, it is quite a good likeness.

The lies follow you round the room.

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

BUZZER

-Yes, Paul.

-It's cows.

It's about cows, erm, we've got to stop cows farting and burping

-because they're contributing to...

-Global warming.

-Global warming.

So put cows on a different sort of diet, don't give them stuff

that makes them windy, is the idea.

-What, like grass, you mean?

-Grass, yeah, they take them off grass.

Put them on concrete.

Yes, this is the Cow of the Future project

which the US government got behind and then wished it hadn't.

How will a cow of the future differ from a cow of today?

We're obviously going to catch something in that pink thing,

their farts, to use it? We're going to use it power stuff, I imagine.

Yeah, they're just going to throw it at wind turbines.

If throwing a cow at a wind turbine doesn't make it fart, nothing will.

They're skittish animals at the best of times.

Well, according to the Financial Times,

the cow of the future will be...

What do you think happens to the methane?

I don't know the answer, I just wonder if anyone's thought of it.

You've collected all that methane, what are you going to do with it?

Set fire to it. We're wasting our time.

Is that your answer when you don't know what to do with it, "Set fire to it!"?

-Seems reasonable.

-Yeah.

Brussels...

Oh, absolutely.

Something excited happened to another type of animal recently.

-This isn't cats?

-Dogs.

This week, for the first time, a British dog was successfully cloned.

-Oh, yeah!

-A Channel 4 documentary

revealed that a sample of skin tissue from the dog, Winnie,

seen here with owner Rebecca,

was sent to South Korea, where it was cloned.

Here is the new dog being weighed-in

in Seoul's leading delicatessen.

I'm going to come over all Stephen Fry now...

-I beg your pardon?

-No.

To be fair...you have been very patient, Stephen.

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

What medical term comes from the Latin for cow

and why has it been in the news recently?

Erm, bovine?

Erm...

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Vaccine.

-Yeah, thank you.

Thank you very much indeed.

Would you like to take over?

Come on.

Oh, no, apparently... Oh, no, OK, you can't.

Vaccine, yes. It comes from the Latin word for cow.

According to the Guardian, Roche, the drug company behind Tamiflu,

held back clinical trials

which would have shown the drug was pretty much useless.

Do you remember, during the Swine Flu outbreak, everybody said,

"If you take Tamiflu or one of those things,

"it'll decrease your illness by half a day."

Which you could do by taking a paracetamol.

And the two companies involved, GlaxoSmithKline

and Roche basically spent four years trying to avoid telling you

what their clinical trials knew all along.

By which time, the Government had actually spent the money,

stockpiled the stuff, then it got desperate,

didn't know what to do with it,

-so they actually extended the end of life of the product.

-The sell-by.

Yeah, they extended it and they encouraged GPs to buy it

from a central stock and get rid of it as quickly as possible.

So this is a story in which everyone's behaved appallingly,

except you. You're clear.

I think that's right, Ian, yes, I agree with you.

That's amazing.

Scientists are working on a climate-friendly

cow of the future, which will emit less methane.

According to the Financial Times,

the average cow emits 300 litres of methane every day and...

All you need is a fridge, a cow, a tube, a pair of gloves,

Wellington boots, a source of hay, a shovel

and another fridge where you actually keep your food.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL RINGS

This is the most powerful number - seven.

Is that right? They did a survey. I must have read this somewhere.

They have done a survey and seven is the world's favourite number.

-Ah, favourite number.

-Yes.

Alex Bellos asked 44,000 people to submit their favourite number

and seven proved the most popular. He describes it as...

"The Nigel Farage of the number world."

-Shall we go through the top ten world's favourite numbers?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-PICK OF THE POPS THEME PLAYS

What's at number one? Number ten, sorry.

-So, number ten. What do you think?

-Number nine is number ten.

-No.

-Number eight.

-No.

-Number ten's number ten.

-No.

-Number one.

-No.

All numbers are available.

Oh, 128.

No, at number ten, the tenth most popular number is, in fact, 11.

-At nine.

-It's ten.

-No.

-40.

-No.

-21.

-No.

At number nine is the number two.

The most popular number in eighth position is...six.

The seventh most popular number is nine,

and the sixth most popular number is 13.

OK, here's the top five.

PICK OF THE POPS THEME

This is going to be on Channel 4 for a whole evening.

There'll be some talking heads in a minute.

"What do you think of six?" "Yeah, love it."

"I've always liked five cos it's a working class number.

"That's what I like about five."

"I think that three, when I was first growing up, I thought

"three was a magnificent..." Oh, sorry!

I've started auditioning! Sorry.

-Where am I?

-Let's firstly complete the top five.

-At number five is five.

-Brilliant.

-Number is four.

-Yes!

-And number three is...eight.

-Oh!

At number two...

-One.

-..is three.

And, of course, seven is the top one at number one.

But the study did ask people

to describe the numbers between one and ten.

Two was thought to be...

How do you think three was described?

Nostalgic, sexy, unreliable.

Three is...

Oh, God!

Four, according to the people who responded to the survey, is:

Yeah, this is absolute bollocks, isn't it?

-Nigel...

-Nigel Four-age.

-Four-age.

-Ah. Dear.

-Nigel, you were once given a can of 7 Up by your UKIP pals.

-I was, I remember that now. Yes.

-Why was that?

-I've forgotten the reason.

-Oh. Well, luckily, I do know.

-Oh, really?

According to former Deputy Party Leader Mike Nattrass -

is that how you say it?

I'm trying to forget but go on.

It was allegedly a prize for bedding a Latvian woman

seven times in one night.

That definitely, definitely is not true. I promise you.

-A can of 7 Up, did you say?

-Yeah. That was the prize.

What kind of game is this?

Right, from Nigel's sex life, let's get back to numbers.

-Does anyone know the most popular pin code?

-1-2-3-4.

Damn!

Bearing in mind...

those four digits are arrangeable in 10,000 different ways

and 1-2-3-4 is the most popular.

The fifth most popular pin code is 7-7-7-7.

"22 has always been something as a number.

"It meant a great deal to me when I was growing up in Geneva."

This is a study which found

that the most popular favourite number is seven.

According to the survey:

So perhaps 110 should try harder next time.

It needs to give, I don't know,

a certain amount of percent more effort.

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Paul and Nigel, your four are:

Gay marriage. Sheep.

Alan Titchmarsh.

And Noah.

Well, I think that given that UKIP

is the butt of virtually every joke this evening,

-er, there has to be...

-Oh, that's unfair. Only in this studio!

Very good.

Gay marriage. Do you remember all those gales we had,

and all the rain and everything? I mean, it was bad weather!

And I'm not saying that I agree with him, but, er...

the UKIP chap said...

that if we had gay marriage, we would get terrible weather events

-of Biblical proportions.

-Yeah.

Meaning floods.

Alan Titchmarsh was involved in a big row because people were digging up

their lawns and building, you know, terraces and patios,

and there was a big debate

as to whether that was contributing towards floods or not.

And the sheep thing, it was in Wales,

which it always is with sheep, isn't it?

And there's a chap who writes for the Guardian,

called George Monbiot,

and he says that sheep grazing all the hills

and compacting all the soil, have led to floods.

And Noah, of course, built a boat to avoid floods.

So Noah's the odd one out because the others have all predicted

how floods would come about and Noah sailed away on a flood.

Is the right answer.

APPLAUSE

-Well done.

-Yeah.

I knew it had to be. I mean...

-had to be.

-Yes, they've all been blamed for the flooding,

apart from Noah, who wasn't. Having been spared

from the floods due to his lack of wickedness,

what did Noah do once the Ark had landed?

He got drunk.

-He did!

-And he was punished by, er...

much later, a film being made.

With Russell Crowe playing him.

With a sort of Irish/Hebrew accent.

Go on, give us a flavour of it.

-IMITATES CROWE AS NOAH:

-Where are those two elephants gone now?!

APPLAUSE

Very good.

Yes. What did the Queen say to Titchmarsh when he got his MBE?

"Put that ashtray back!"

According to Al, Her Majesty said:

UKIP councillor David Silvester blamed the recent storms and floods

on the Government's decision to legalise gay marriage.

If David Silvester really knows his Bible,

he'll also have read the Book of Exodus, where God threatens:

And if there's one thing UKIP hates more than gays...

That is quite funny.

Ian and Roisin, here are yours.

A clean-shaven Russian during the time of Peter the Great,

Chesty Love, Chris Moyles and ABBA.

I think this is about tax avoidance.

Chris Moyles set up a used car company

-to try and funnel his earnings.

-He sold used cars.

-He said he was actually a salesman, didn't he?

-Used car dealer.

ABBA avoided paying tax by having amazing costumes,

cos in Denmark, business wear was considered an expense.

In Sweden.

Oh, right. Yeah, wherever.

Haven't you got anything to say about Chesty what's-her-name?

-Chesty Love.

-Chesty Love.

-I have no recollection of her.

And he hasn't got a beard, there was a tax on beards. Help me out!

Who's she?

Oh, look at me and you think, "She'll know who Chesty Love is."

-I have no idea!

-They've all avoided paying tax and she paid.

-Paid lots.

-You've got the right reason, but the wrong odd one out.

Well, they've all changed their appearance,

is the answer, to pay less tax.

Apart from Chris Moyles, who changed his job to pay less tax.

Chris, along with 450 fund managers, celebs and other high earners

had signed up to a tax avoidance scheme called...

Which lead to Moyles' claim he'd spent a year...

According to the judge, Chris claimed he'd sold

around £3,800 worth of vehicles but had run up...

The outlandish costumes ABBA wore at the peak of their fame were

designed for tax efficiency.

Do you know how it worked, the tax efficiency in costumes?

If they couldn't possibly be worn in everyday life.

Is absolutely right, yes.

Swedish law states that clothes were deductible

if their owners could prove they were not suitable for daily wear.

Look at Paul, I mean...

Former Page 3 girl and exotic dancer Chesty Love

enjoyed her 15 minutes of fame when she successfully ardigued...

Oh, Christ.

Just the mention of Chesty Love, I've gone to pieces.

Former Page girl...

Former Page 3 girl

and exotic dancer Chesty Love enjoyed her 15 minutes of fame

when she successfully argued

that her breast implants were tax deductible. Here she is.

Good news, Chris Moyles - turns out massive tits can avoid tax.

They have all changed their appearance to pay less tax,

apart from Chris Moyles, who changed his job

and claimed he was a used car dealer.

American stripper Chesty Love successfully claimed

for her breast implants against tax.

She ended up with a bra size of...

To give you some idea of how big that is,

56N is literally a night bus.

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication

Norfolk On My Mind.

It's at the same time both free

and overpriced.

We start with:

What?

"Have you ever thought of tossing yourself off?"

Max Miller lives!

It is a Max Miller joke, absolutely. 1943.

Next...

Optimism!

People who've been to Norfolk.

Given the theme of tonight, "UKIP voters", it could be, couldn't it?

Close.

APPLAUSE

Scientists are searching for microbes in Yorkshire

which they believe could show humans

are descended from Martian life forms. Next...

Norfolk!

Debbie McGee.

That's magic.

-Norfolk!

-Yes!

-We said Norfolk.

-And the answer is...Great Yarmouth.

I used to go on holiday to Great Yarmouth.

This is from an interview in Norfolk On My Mind,

in which Paul Daniels reveals...

Oh, for you as well, Paul?

Next...

ROISIN: With her own faeces.

The answer is:

Finally:

And now I can't put my trousers on or pronounce the letter W.

This is Michael Smith's postgraduate study

in which he deliberately provoked bees to sting him

all over his body. He said:

No-one's forcing you, you weirdo!

-I don't think bees give you a choice.

-No!

-"Which one?"

He did, he got bees, he held them,

he stung each place four times and he says the inside of the nose

is apparently the most painful place on the body.

The penis comes fourth.

Always.

So, the final scores are...

Nigel and Paul have six points,

but sneaking up and winning,

it's Roisin and Ian with seven points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

"Why does the loony on the bus always come and sit next to me?"

Boris Johnson's disguise is rumbled.

And I leave you with news that

after a long, drunken night out with friends,

William Hague tries to sneak back into the office...

..in Westminster, as part of their induction course,

the new batch of Conservative interns are sent to find out

how ordinary people travel to work...

..and at a political gathering in Bournemouth,

after desperately trying to find a toilet,

Nick Clegg picks an opportune moment to urinate from a balcony.

Good night.

-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-47 for me was literally a life saver.