Episode 5 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

-Evening, everybody.

-ALL: Evening.

Gosh, you're very close, aren't you?

LAUGHTER

Word to security.

That's all my beard material out!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Jack Dee.

In the news this week, as the Jamaica Inn sound quality row

continues, the BBC asks the recording engineer responsible

to explain what might have happened.

MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

HE LAUGHS

In Stoke-on-Trent, one Good Morning Britain viewer makes

the mistake of complaining that Susanna Reid hasn't got her legs on show.

And in Somerset, as the floodwaters finally recede,

a local finds it hard to adapt to the new drier conditions.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian

who collected the Foster's Comedy Award

wearing a T-shirt saying "No More Page Three"

and she got an extra round of applause when she took it off.

Please welcome Bridget Christie.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a writer and broadcaster who is widely seen

as the most miserable man on telly.

I haven't even got that any more!

Please welcome Charlie Brooker.

APPLAUSE

Now we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Bridget, take a look at this.

Patrick Mercer, MP, he's saying goodbye.

Er, that's for free, he hasn't charged for that bit.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye, you're off. Ooh!

That's a severe penalty.

Oh, and that's Farage - again.

Who has taken a job running a minicab firm.

There he goes. "Be five minutes."

I mean, there's a by-election coming up, which anybody could win.

Except Farage. Because he won't stand.

Because it would look opportunistic

cos he doesn't have a relationship with Newark.

BROOKER: He doesn't have a relationship with Earth.

-I think that is the Robin Hood bit. Newark and Sherwood.

-The same area.

Which is where traditionally you rob from the rich and give to the poor.

Which is Farage's policy - you take the money from the EU,

and you give it to your wife.

Anyway, Robert Kilroy-Silk used to be the MEP for the area,

and he is very good with a sound bite as well,

-..so we've got a moment of him.

-Haven't seen this for a while.

Their fate will be in each other's hands, as they decide

whether to share,

or to shaft.

So did you see when... I think it was Eamonn Holmes of Sky News

who actually got the scoop on why Nigel Farage decided not to stand.

You've announced in the past half hour, Mr Farage, it's not for you.

-The question is, have you bottled it?

-Yes.

In fairness, I think Nigel is suffering from a time delay there.

He thinks it's 1957.

I think we came out just before two cars collided behind him.

He's got all the publicity and the Tory Party, who should be

incredible embarrassed that one of their MPs was caught

taking money to ask questions...

I mean, really pretty obvious sting by Panorama and The Telegraph.

Someone coming up and saying, "Would you ask some questions

"about Fiji?" "Oh, yes, I'll ask questions about Fiji - anything."

I'm glad this came up because, Jack, I had an e-mail from

Patrick Mercer, and he said that he would pay me £10 if I asked you

how much money you were being paid to ask about his cash for questions.

-For tonight?

-For tonight.

And then he said he'd give me an extra £5 if I said at least

he didn't read his questions from an autocue.

OK.

What if I give you £100 just to shut up?

Um...

-Well, I'm quids in.

-You would be!

-I'm quids in now.

See me afterwards. He did say he was resigning because:

True to his word, after 11 months of shilly-shallying, he nobly resigned.

-What is shilly-shallying?

-I'm surprised you don't know that.

Shilly-shallying is...

-I don't know what you do all day, Charlie.

-He does his hair!

Do you have any idea how long that takes?

-Apart from the by-election, there's the referendum in Scotland.

-Yes.

Ed Miliband's told the Scots not to vote for independence

but to wait for him to save them when he is Prime Minister.

He's going to save them all, so he said:

That's right. Good one.

That's two things to look forward to, isn't it(?)

What is Ed Miliband's Scottish dilemma?

If Scotland go independent, he'll never get into power ever again.

Cos the figures suggest it's a permanent Tory Government

without Scotland, which is a very good reason for Scotland to vote no.

Please.

That's the dilemma, so, Scotland, it's time to decide

whether to share

or shaft.

APPLAUSE

Anyone here remember Nick Clegg? He...

-What's he hoping to do between now and 2020?

-Form another coalition.

Quite right. He told The Sunday Times Magazine that he wants

to stay as Deputy Prime Minister until 2020,

forming a second coalition with either Labour or the Conservatives.

He's got principles, that guy, that's what I like about him(!)

Do you know what the current state of the parties on the poll is

-for the latest YouGov European election poll?

-Erm, 38% UKIP.

31% UKIP. Labour 28 and Tories 19. Are you surprised by that, Bridget?

I thought it had gone up seven points today.

You haven't been watching carefully enough.

-Has it gone back down again?

-I check it more frequently than you.

Have you got a Google alert?

-Yes, I have, yes.

-That's despite...

I mean, UKIP come in for constant bashing...

No matter what you do, they get stronger. It's like...

There's no point attacking them,

it's like trying to piss in a lake to make it go away.

Did you see what UKIP MEP Roger Helmer was quoted as saying?

Was he the one talking about Lenny Henry?

-No, I don't think...

-That was Henwood.

-That was Henwood.

-This is Guess The Lunatic?

He said:

-He doesn't like the taste.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Stirring...

-He doesn't like squeezing the bag.

-Ah, I see.

Is there anybody left in UKIP

who is allowed to speak?

-Apart from Farage and...

-Far-arge.

-No, I won't call him that.

-He rhymes with 'gar-age'.

It's like sausage and saus-age.

Anyway... It's the same!

He's a...big sausage.

Anyway, what I was saying was, whenever somebody...you only see him.

Whenever somebody speaks, they either have to resign or they are sacked.

So is it just him on his own now?

Yeah, there was a guy who said that women shouldn't...

- Wear trousers. - Yeah.

I'm actually wearing four pairs of trousers at the moment.

One of the UKIP euro election posters was photographed next to

a poster for camping equipment. Here's the UKIP one.

and then, right next to it, is one for camping equipment.

OK, so this is Patrick Mercer, who quit as an MP after accepting

£4,000 to lobby on behalf of Fiji.

What kind of person would accept money to promote Fiji,

the jewel of the South Pacific, blessed with over 300

tropical islands, magnificent coral reefs and pristine beaches

that seem to stretch on forever?

The resignation is a double blow. The people of Newark have lost

their representative in Parliament, while at the same time

the people of Fiji have lost their representative in Parliament.

Nigel Farage denied that his decision not to stand was down

to a lack of courage, saying,

"That's bollocks, I've had six pints of it."

So, Paul and Charlie, take a look at this.

High-speed railway is being built, that's the prototype model.

-It's a pump wagon!

-How did you know that?

-Miracle!

There's David Cameron, meeting people.

-He's meeting the cast of the Quality Street tin.

-That's right.

He's gone back to the 19th century. And...

-This is, erm...some hot girl-on-trunk action.

-Exactly.

This is about the high-speed railway

and that's about somebody who loves the countryside

and doesn't want to it go through their back garden.

Completely right. Absolutely, straight on.

The dream of being able to leave Birmingham really quickly

has been...brought one step closer.

How did David Cameron vote on the High Speed Rail Bill's

-second reading?

-He's all for it.

-He didn't turn up.

-He didn't?

-No. He was on a train, it was late.

He didn't bother, even though he lives just across the road.

Apparently he was having a date night,

and Nick was really looking forward to it, so, you know.

Mayor of London Boris Johnson

is a supporter of the high-speed rail link,

but how did he sensitively answer those voicing

-environmental concerns?

-He said it's absolute bollocks.

All these environmentalists, they don't care about butterflies

and trees, all they care about is their house prices.

Do you know what, if Boris Johnson was, like, a woman,

or a poor person, they wouldn't get away with the things that he says,

but because he was, like, well-educated and posh...

-I think he...

-Is there a problem coming here?

No, but we wouldn't get away with it, but people assume that

his stupidity is deliberate because he's been so well-educated.

He basically said that trees were stupid and that they didn't need

to be saved because there are no trees in this country

older than 200 years old.

- Why is he so anti-tree? - He hate trees!

They all hate... They all think the environment is for pussies,

don't they, and girls and stuff?

-No, they do! It's all money. They make me sick.

-Who's "they"?

All you lot!

APPLAUSE

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, they spend all their time running English Heritage

and the Council for Preservation of Rural England and trying

to save the countryside and objecting when trains go through.

You're dead right, I mean, thank goodness you're not judged

by those standards, cos people would say, "You're talking rubbish!"

Well, you know, they do think that.

He said:

The question here is, is he right?

And what I'd like to do now is now play How Old Is This Tree?

Oh, great!

Come on, this is my idea, so please join in. Try and make it work.

Have I Got Yews For You!

First of all, here's a picture of a London plane tree.

-How long can they live?

-185 years.

No, no, Paul, they've been known to live to 400 years.

-I've been misinformed.

-Yes.

-Either that or you were sold a duff one.

-Yeah.

Let's have another one. How long can a sweet chestnut live?

-Ah, sweet chestnut, yes.

-200?

-No!

-BRIDGET: I think it's much more.

-Yes, go on.

-201?

No, 600.

This is not the format of the show I was expecting!

They can live up to 700 years, so, yeah, you were right.

-I've got a mulberry tree in my garden.

-Have you? They're very rare.

-They're protected, aren't they?

-It's about 450 years old.

Really? You've been there that long?

-Have you?

-I have, yeah, but I've cut it down because I don't care.

Wild holly, wild cherry

and crack willow are three of the girls Boris employs in his office.

-Crack Willow?

-Yeah, yeah.

That was what I was working towards, that joke.

Couldn't see the joke for the trees, really, could you?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, a report by think tank the Institute of Economic Affairs

cast doubt on the rail link's ability to improve the North.

The report was called:

By JK Rowling.

There's too much transportation, really.

I'm against any new train tracks or anything,

because it's never worth going anywhere, in my experience.

If you think about it,

have you ever been anywhere that it was worth going?

There was a letter in the paper today said that we shouldn't bother

with trains, cos there are going to be driverless cars by the time

it's finished in 2026.

You'll just get in your car, say "Birmingham",

and it will take you there.

Can you get in this car and say other towns as well?

The lead only stretches as far as Birmingham!

How does it actually work?

It's very complicated.

What, you want to know EXACTLY how it works?!

I do, because I don't believe it.

Cars will talk to each other, so if you are on a motorway

and you come off and there's a pile-up round the corner, your car

will be told there's a pile-up by the other cars in that pile-up.

How they got piled up in the first place, I've no idea.

Somebody switched it off.

-Could you play a driving simulator while you're driving?

-Yes.

You could pretend you're driving to somewhere more interesting.

You can put that across your windscreen.

There are driverless cars already, aren't there? I saw a few parked outside earlier.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Landowners are furious that HS2 will destroy some of

Britain's most precious wildlife

before they get the chance to kill them themselves.

But what has been the good news for them this week?

-The compensation is going to go up.

-No, not quite, actually.

I don't think I'VE led you the right way with this one. It is...

The answer is Madagascar.

LAUGHTER

-Curve ball.

-It always comes down to Madagascar.

According to George Monbiot of The Guardian, David Cameron has

extended the freeze on the cost of a gun licence, that is what

I was getting at, and it's stayed at £50 since 2001.

That's what's happened. Here's another game, all right?

Fingers on buzzers as we play What's My Licence?

-So, how much...

-What's happened?!

-Yeah.

-How much is an occasional licence?

-An occasional licence for what?

Tables.

There's occasional licences

when you want to have a bar for a party or something.

-Oh, I see, right. Erm... £10.

-£10, it is.

-That's not bad.

That's all right. Yes. That's very reasonable.

You can only get four occasional licences a year.

Because otherwise they think you're taking the piss.

Cos that's beginning to look like a permanent licence, isn't it?

How long does the occasional licence last? Because it could last...

17 minutes.

It lasts three months.

Well, that's why you can't have four then, isn't it?

Someone's employed a mathematician somewhere along the line!

How much is an amusement permit?

Depends what you do with it.

BUZZER 50 quid!

It's actually £250, Charlie.

You were quite a long way off.

Is that for people who play instruments in tubes?

-It's JUST an amusement permit.

-Am I supposed to have one?

-Probably.

I don't know. I was refused mine.

This is the HS2 bill. One leading Tory rebel is Michael Fabricant.

Always keen to do his bit for the environment.

For a start, he has at least three species of woodland bird

nesting in his hair.

Another leading Tory who voted against the bill was

Sir John Randall, who said the issue of HS2 was...

And, to be fair, both involve a terrible exit strategy,

as the tunnel comes out in Birmingham.

So, at the end of that round, Bridget and Ian have two points

and Paul and Charlie have two points.

APPLAUSE

And so to Round Two

and it's a welcome return of

the Have I Got News For You Wheel Of News.

And here's the first spin.

-BUZZER

-George Clooney is getting married!

George Clooney is getting married.

And that's become a news item on this show.

He's the first man to get married in America since 1968, I think.

-It's been a long, long time.

-A very long time.

George Clooney is getting married to British lawyer Amal Alamuddin.

-Lovely.

-Amal Alamuddin, I think is how you pronounce it.

Not one of those names you should say when you're rubbing a lamp.

No, no, no.

Or maybe you should?

Rubbing a lamb? Lamb?

-MIDDLE EASTERN ACCENT:

-Alamuddin. No, that was racist. I was a bit of a...

I imposed an accent on that and I'd like to withdraw the accent

I put on, just because... it's wrong.

Just say you were doing an impression of Jeremy Clarkson and you'll get away with it.

How does the world's media think that they may know this?

They went out for dinner in LA, I think,

with, oh, a couple of other celebrities.

-Ethel Merman and Ken Dodd?

-No.

Oh, who was it?

I should remember, they were quite a funny couple.

-With a load of other celebrities?

-Yeah.

You're not confusing this with Ocean's 11, are you?

A reporter was there and they went, "Oh, look at her ring

-"and whatnot."

-Ring, yeah.

But it's an amazing ring. Because it produces coffee.

You just press it and out comes this fantastic sort of cappuccino.

I've seen the ad.

He has been married before.

I think the first marriage was dark, it was bitter,

it was over in an instant.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There's people complaining that he's off the market.

Do people really care?

It's like Prince Harry and his girlfriend splitting up.

I find it very hard to...

Am I sociopathic or is it impossible to care about these bloody people

you're never going to meet and their stupid bloody lives?

CHEERING

That's right.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

According to the Mail:

I mean, John Simpson must be gutted, mustn't he?

Let's have a picture the Mail used to bring readers the news.

Is his jumper going grey?

What does that picture say to you?

BRIDGET CHRISTIE: It says, "The cameras are on us. Look happy."

According to the Mail:

Shall we play the game of...

CHARLIE: This is another one of these.

Give us your look of someone who hates commitment.

-Charlie, how about you?

-What is the look of a man...

-That's perfect, man.

-Just this?

-Yes. Ian, can we have yours?

-No, no, I'm very committed.

-Yeah.

Bridget, the look of a man who hates commitment.

You must have seen that look enough times. Come on.

How can I do a man...

I'm sorry. That was not necessary.

Actually, I'm hitting them off with a shitty stick, Ian.

-Beating them off is the expression, isn't it?

-Is it? I imagine it is.

Hitting is better.

Give us your look of someone who hates commitment, Paul, please.

The stupid thing is, for a moment I thought I'd gone too far then.

I couldn't go far enough. I'm locked to this thing.

Which new programme went to town with the story? Which NEW programme?

-Is this Good Morning Britain?

-It is.

It landed with disappointing ratings, didn't it?

They paid a lot of money for Susanna Reid to present it and people moaned

that she was sitting behind a desk and they couldn't see her legs.

And there were viewers saying it's like buying a Ferrari

and keeping it in the garage.

Who are these people who can't sit through television for ten minutes

without trying to break into a wank?

LAUGHTER What's wrong with them?

APPLAUSE

Did you manage to watch it, Bridget?

-The show?

-No, God no.

-You missed quite a big television moment.

What did I miss?

TV legend Andi Peters gets to host a mini format within the show

-called Wheel of Cash!

-Wheel of cash?!

-Wheel of cash.

Andi Peters was the Broom Cupboard, wasn't he? Wasn't he Edd the Duck?

-I don't know, was he?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, he was in the Broom Cupboard, remember?

Not a safe place to be in the BBC in the 1980s.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the news that George Clooney is getting engaged

to barrister Amal Alamuddin.

He wanted to keep it out of the papers,

but for some reason Max Clifford wasn't returning his calls.

So here is the next spin.

-No!

-George Clooney's getting married!

BBC dumbs down. Repeats happen every seven minutes these days.

-That's in yellow. Yeah.

-It's Bernie Ecclestone.

It is the news that Bernie Ecclestone could have

pulled off one of the biggest tax dodges in history.

Here is Bernie and his ex-wife Slavica. There they are.

So why did she end up paying him huge sums of money after they divorced?

-She ended up paying him?

-She ended up paying him. Why was that?

Are all his business interests in her name?

She has been paying him 100 million a year.

It's either the most amicable divorce in the history

of human beings or it stinks.

Yes, I have to stop you there.

We can't actually legally go into too much detail on how he did this,

is alleged to have done, this tax dodge,

in case Jimmy Carr is watching.

He did a deal with HMRC, customs over here,

so he paid a very, very small amount of tax and he settled up.

It was like Vodafone and all these other companies.

It's one of these very bizarre deals where the more tax you owe,

the less you pay.

I should point out it's his wife's trust that settled with

the Revenue, not Bernie Ecclestone.

How do we know his wife isn't him in a wig?

Where are Mr Ecclestone's tax affairs under scrutiny?

-Germany.

-You were right in there before I even asked the question.

It is sub judice, as we say.

-Or as they say in Germany...

-ATTEMPTS GERMAN ACCENT:

-Sub judice.

I don't know why I did that.

-Will you do it again?

-I don't want to

because the accent wasn't even accurate.

-Oh, please.

-I was going for German and it just came out as, "Sub judice."

This is in German courtroom. There we are.

And he is charged with giving a German banker a £27 million bribe,

in this case, he could be facing ten years in jail.

Well, let's be honest, life.

He might get a long stretch while he's in there as well.

And here he is, trying to get into the courtroom.

-AS MURRAY WALKER:

-There he goes, in the revolving door, round and round!

Here we go with the next spin.

-BUZZER: It's ET.

-Yeah, we know it's ET but what...?

This was an urban myth many people believed

but it turns out to be true, it was Atari I think,

I don't know a lot about video games, but they brought out a game

of ET when the film was out in the '80s.

They are all buried in the desert in New Mexico.

And they've dug them all up. It was a terrible, terrible, terrible game.

Do you know why it was so bad though?

It looks like Teletext having a breakdown, the game itself.

Let's have a look.

-We have got a little picture of the game. That is actually ET.

-No!

It is rubbish. Charlie, you are an expert on computer games.

-Why were they actually buried?

-I don't know.

I think they were buried out of shame.

It was regarded widely as:

-They didn't bury them very well, did they?

-They pretty much did.

They encased them in concrete and buried them

in the Chihuahuan Desert.

In England, we just have the Sue Ryder shop for that kind of thing.

Nobody played these in Britain in the '80s.

We played decent home-brew, spec games written on a Spectrum or a Commodore 64,

which you could get on a cassette and copy and you would have C90s.

-We would make our own entertainment.

-Exactly.

We had the people's computer. We didn't need this bullshit.

Burying copies of Jet Set Willy in the New Forest.

Sorry, is this another celebrity we should know about?

Since we are nostalgia mode now,

what theme from a slightly earlier era is back?

Diphtheria?

-Dad's Army.

-Dad's Army, yes. They are making the film.

-But they are updating it.

-Yes, according to the Daily Telegraph,

creator Jimmy Perry:

This is the ET Atari video games that have been

found in the Chihuahuan Desert.

The ET game flopped and as a result:

It's astonishing, if you want to lose that sort of money nowadays,

you'd have to write a musical about X Factor.

Buried there in 1982,

the games were discovered in the so-called graveyard of shame.

PAUL LAUGHS

Discovered under a pile of shoulder pads, Kajagoogoo albums

and Timmy Mallet.

And the last spin?

-BUZZER

-Yes?

ET and Max Clifford, really, there's a link there, is there?

No wonder he wanted to go home.

Max Clifford, big name in PR,

the Paedophile Register.

Yes. Earlier this week, the publicist Max Clifford was found guilty of

eight counts of indecent assault, or as he's spinning it, fewer than ten.

What is Max Clifford threatening to do now?

Get the judge a role in The Bill?

Only if he's a good judge.

-Yes, very good judge.

-Is he threatening to name names?

Yeah, basically, that's right, he's going

to write a kiss-and-tell book in prison.

He said, "You wouldn't believe the story I could tell."

Yeah, that's right, you wouldn't.

-None of us would.

-Having lied to the jury, erm...

-Yeah, he couldn't tell it in court, could he?

-Exactly.

Here he is coming out of court last month.

She went on to say, it is not fun,

standing there being accused of being a fantasist or a liar.

We also heard more evidence surrounding Max Clifford's intimate

size details and once again, Rosina Cottage QC said to the jury,

it is not important, the size, it is what he has done with it.

-Hi, Max.

-How are you?

-I'm fine, thank you. You OK?

-We'll carry on, shall we?

-You carry on.

-OK.

Not a control freak in any way, shape or form.

What a horrible man.

Making a report outside a courtroom like that, horrible.

I can't think of anything sort of funny to say about him.

No, no, that's rapists for you!

Which means at the end of this round,

it's Bridget and Ian with two

and Paul and Charlie with six.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the odd-one-out round,

and it's one between all of you this week, so fingers on buzzers.

Adolf Hitler, a walrus,

Jeremy Paxman,

-and Major General Ambrose Burnside.

-BELL

-And that was Ian and Bridget.

-It's facial hair or beards.

-Hitler, moustache.

-He had a moustache.

-Definitely.

-Walrus, moustache.

-Yeah, he...

They've all got moustaches, except Paxman, who had a beard!

I think you know this show better than that.

-What kind of moustache did Hitler have?

-He had a Hitler moustache.

That's exactly what I wanted you to say.

No, Hitler moustache, so why would that be a good clue?

-So does this walrus have a walrus moustache?

-Ah-ha, here we go so...

-And what did you say his name was?

-Burnside, he was...

Oh, so sideburns.

-Brilliant! That's exactly it.

-Did they reverse his name?

So who's the odd one out?

Paxman, because no-one refers to a beard as a Paxman.

That's right, they don't, that's exactly it, well done.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, they've all given a name

to a type of facial hair,

apart from Jeremy Paxman,

who has quit Newsnight

to perform a one-man show about his beard.

Book early!

A clean-shaven Jeremy Paxman will sneer about pognophobia,

you know what it is precisely.

-Fear of beards.

-A fear of beards or a beard-like structure.

What happens if you're a pognophobic

and you're trapped somewhere without razors?

Jack, can we just be very, very careful?

-Yeah, yeah, that's good, yeah.

-That's quite a structure!

If you were worried where they buried the WMDs...

Yes, yeah, so it's...

I'm just glad that WG Grace is still alive. Good to see you!

-Are we doing a round on beard lengths now?

-It's the best bit of the show!

It's probably shouldn't be a surprise that Paxman is giving up

doing Newsnight, the signs have been there for a while.

-I've got a little compilation I'm going to show you.

-Oh, how lovely.

-Yes, here you go.

And now on the theory that while some people are interested

in the markets, everyone is interested in the weather.

Here it is, shorn of the usual folksy nonsense about clouds bubbling up

and advice about wearing woolly socks.

Eastern parts will mainly avoid the rain,

except for those who don't and there will be bright or sunny intervals.

Western areas will be cloudy with rain,

except in those places that don't have rain.

Temperatures will be near-normal.

And finally, by popular demand, the second Newsnight weather forecast.

Take an umbrella with you tomorrow.

Finally and controversially to tomorrow's weather forecast.

It is a veritable smorgasbord.

Sun, rain, thunder, hail, snow, cold, winds. Almost worth going to work.

That's all from Newsnight tonight.

Martha is being punished for some offence in a previous life

by presenting tomorrow's programme.

In the meantime, it's all available again on the website,

along with our editor's pathetic pleas for you to send us

some of your old bits of home movie and the like

so we can become the BBC's version of Animals Do The Funniest Things.

Good night.

APPLAUSE

It's like an art installation where a depressed man is in a glass box

talking only to evasive liars he hates.

-Which other Jeremy has been in the news?

-Oh, Jeremy Clarkson.

Yes, do you know what for?

One of the papers had a story today on the front page about him

saying something he shouldn't have said.

The Mirror claim that he used the N-word, the N-word.

But wasn't it in the context of Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe?

It was in that context,

and no-one knows why he had to mention Nick Clegg in that way.

And obviously Adolf Hitler. The Fuhrer gave his name to a moustache.

Can I just point out I don't call him the Fuhrer? It's written there.

Sorry, it's there. I know I've gone a bit over the top.

You were only following orders.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The most recent German leader to sport a Hitler moustache.

Angela Merkel, who was slightly unfortunately given one

by the shadow of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's finger. There it is.

BRIDGET: Oh, that's so childish.

Do you think he had been practising that four weeks?

I think there are lots of world leaders try to do that to Angela.

It is a game they play amongst themselves.

"Look at my invisible budgie," when she comes in.

According to Wikipedia:

And the fact that they are bloody great walruses.

Jeremy Paxman this week announced that he was quitting Newsnight, saying he was...

What, the minute Newsnight starts?

When asked if he would like to be the guest presenter

of Have I Got News For You, Jeremy Paxman said:

Fine by us,

as it would also count towards our quota of female presenters.

Which means at the end of this round,

Bridget and Ian have four, and Paul and Charlie have six.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the missing-words round, which this week features,

as its guest publication, Packaging Scotland.

Or as we'll be calling it very soon,

one of those poncey foreign magazines.

We start with...

BRIDGET: Trampolining.

CHARLIE: Tweeting abuse at Piers Morgan.

The answer is swatting flies.

This is a pensioner in China who spends all her time swatting flies.

One of her neighbours said:

About the same.

Billions and billions of them.

You had no impact. Next.

Give birth?

As likely to buy packaging that illustrates

the beauty of their country.

Paul, that is uncanny. It is actually:

According to Packaging Scotland:

Certainly true in our householder. Certainly true in my household.

My wife has decided to that I'm not actually allowed to have a key.

-Ah.

-I know, wasn't even worth it, was it?

-What, the house or the marriage?

-LAUGHTER

Next.

I love this package, its design is the best I've ever seen.

-You're not far off, really.

-Not far off?

-I love this box.

-Hmm.

CHARLIE: Its bevelled edge is the best I've ever seen.

-BRIDGET: Lid!

-It's actually:

-No!

-Yep. It's for the M&S beetroot range.

The resealable lid is a boon to the Scots,

cos you can simply take the top off and scream,

"Ah, we've bought vegetables,"

close the lid and take it back to the shop.

Why is this programme deliberately trying to lose the referendum?!

Next...

-Whisky!

-CHARLIE: All of humankind.

Is it Sir Bruce Forsyth?

The answer is...

200g of chopped pork and ham in a plastic tub.

All I'd say, gents, don't make it her main present.

Next one, here it comes.

Frank Bough!

-Is it Friday?

-Friday!

-The Loch Ness monster.

-No.

-Godzilla.

No, now you are being silly, Paul.

What about that film Godzilla versus Des Lynam that came out

five years ago?

Rrrr. And he's the latest football results. Rrrr!

Next is:

CHARLIE: Because he's sort of uphill and they couldn't be arsed.

The answer is it was too dark outside.

This is the story of the Kent Police

calling off the search for a thief because it was too dark.

To be fair, it is bit scary in the dark when all you've got is

a torch and a Taser, and a van full of colleagues.

-Duffle coat?

-Duffle coat?

Yes, they've sort of scooped out a horse and used the bit,

there's a thing...

-That would be amazing!

-Yeah, I know. I'm selling them.

With a horse's head as a hood. I call them horses-heads-hoods.

Supermarket lasagne?

It is actually...

-What?

-I know, I know...

-Pet is a substance, is it?

-Here we go, you see.

-Oh, PET.

This is from Packaging Scotland.

Before we get any complaints about this article,

PET is an acronym which stands for:

HE STRUGGLES TO PRONOUNCE IT

As I say, it is called PET.

And finally...

Alcohol!

-Cirrhosis of the liver!

-It's actually...

-Here he is there, this is the chap. He's a lookalike.

-Is that real?

It was real about the bar, yes, the whole bar is themed around Bin Laden.

What, and his consumption of alcohol?

Yes. He famously liked a drink, yeah.

Oddbin Laden!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So the final scores are Bridget and Ian have four,

and Paul and Charlie have six.

No!

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Bridget Christie, Paul Merton and Charlie Brooker.

And I leave you with news that at a courtroom in Germany the clerk

fetches the specially prepared Bible for Bernie Ecclestone to swear on.

In Uzbekistan, an artist condemned to death for his decadent western

surrealism is allowed to choose the means of his own execution.

And following this week's Tube strike in London,

a scheme is unveiled to increase the number of bike racks.

Good night.