Episode 9 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you very much indeed. Good evening.

Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,

as UKIP's new MPs arrive at the European Parliament,

suspicions are aroused over the party's claims of ethnic diversity.

After an invitation to appear on BBC News

to discuss the European election,

Norman Tebbit is driven to the studios.

In Naples, after being cleared on a technicality,

the captain of the Costa Concordia goes back to work.

FOGHORN BLARES

And in Westminster, Boris Johnson is asked, if he became

Prime Minister, would he press the nuclear button?

No. I don't know. No! It's a matter of sublime... I mean, yes!

I mean, no! Possibly.

Who cares? It's very important. It's very important. Watch this space.

I don't know.

On Ian's team tonight is an actor in the BAFTA-winning sitcom

Him & Her, in which he plays the part of Dan -

lovable, socially awkward, a bit of a loser.

He also does stand-up. Please welcome Joe Wilkinson.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And with Paul tonight is a TV presenter who, after winning this

year's European poker tour, used Twitter to say,

"I won, I bloody won."

The very same message Ian put out after winning THIS series -

only he used a carrier pigeon.

Please welcome Victoria Coren Mitchell.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And so we start with the biggest stories of the week.

-Paul and Victoria, take a look at this.

-Yes.

Ah, yes, there's been an election and the man with the...

It's always full that pint, it's never half full.

Is it sort of being supplied up his arm?

Um, and there are people congratulating him

on not finishing the pint.

And there's somebody... Go on, get stuck in 'ere.

Um, yes, so those are the losers, I think.

Those are the people who wish

they weren't standing in the gymnasium with no votes.

And this is a re-enactment of the Kennedy assassination.

Oh, no, it isn't.

I'm hoping it isn't a question very specifically about the results

cos I didn't really look at the results.

-I voted.

-Yes.

But then I thought it was a bit like when I bought

a DVD of the Hurt Locker.

-I thought, "I've done my bit, I don't actually have to watch it."

-No.

It was the best result for someone

who is not the main party for 100 years.

And the annoying thing is,

Farage says, "I'm going to do this," and he did it, you know.

And in our political life, saying you're going to do something

and then doing it is REALLY annoying.

-The UKIP fox is in the Westminster henhouse.

-It is. Yes.

I found that slightly confusing, partly because I always thought

-Westminster was meant to be full of fat cats...

-Yes.

..who have presumably eaten the hens, so the fox will do what?

-Mate with the cats?

-Yes.

How do foxes and cats get on? I'm not sure.

Well, they mate, in the wild.

-Do they?

-No.

-He doesn't...

But for the purposes of this bit, yes.

He's not very foxy, though, is he?

-No.

-He looks like a sort of friendly toad.

-Mr Farage?

-Yes.

-Yes, you could see him in tweed,

pooping down the country lane.

The Sun very helpfully showed us what he'd look like as a fox.

Oh, did it?

It's also not true because they're not in the Westminster henhouse

because he hasn't got any MPs.

That sounds very grudging.

And it's not just because, you know, you look at the effect that

having a go at him on this programme produced.

When the results came in, he said it was his dream come true, wasn't it?

I don't know. I'd quite like my dream to come true

because I once dreamt I'd run him over with a plough.

I was gutted when I woke up in the morning.

Do you know what UKIP's plan is called - the grand masterplan?

-The Grand Masterplan!

-Do you know what it's called?

That's what it's called.

-No, it's got a better name even than that.

-Colin.

-The Canadian Plan.

-The Canadian Plan?

Do you know why it's called the Canadian Plan?

It's because in Canada, the Tory party were wiped out completely

and were replaced by a slightly more right-wing Tory party.

To be fair, though, whatever we all say about Nigel Farage,

he is always drunk.

So it's possible he doesn't know he's leading a political party.

He might think he is on a massive international pub crawl.

People basically voted for him because they thought,

"He drinks in the daytime too."

Yes, his influence has been particularly strong in Essex,

traditionally a Tory heartland. And Epping Forest as well.

There's a tree here we have that looks very like Nigel Farage.

The political classes are being accused of failing to understand

people who vote UKIP,

-so I think let's just have a look for ourselves.

-Yeah.

Really we want to get out of the EEC and fight for our own

and be a better Great Britain again.

Like before it was, before it was, before it was everything else,

Great Britain was all over the world then.

I tell you, Bruce Willis has let himself go, hasn't he?

LAUGHTER

Is he one of the items available for sale in the shop?

Can you buy him for £5?

In his defence, he had been in the pub with Farage all day.

And what did the BNP's Nick Griffin, who lost his MEP seat,

what did he have to say?

Nick Griffin said they were racist.

Which is...

It's like when Karl Lagerfeld said that Adele was ugly,

when he looks like he's been doodled by a lunatic.

It was the most encouraging thing about the election.

I mean, it's the biggest swing to the far right Europe's ever known

and in this country, the BNP lose their ONE seat!

You know, we've got far-right lite.

It's sort of golf-club right we've got.

We haven't got Front National jackboot.

Even one of the German leaders said,

"They're fascists," you know.

And they have got a good record of spotting them.

Nick Griffin said...

-Oh.

-..and explained their drop in support by saying...

Did you see any of the strange fringe parties?

In Germany, the Dadaist Party candidate was elected.

They campaigned with slogans like:

..and proposed building a wall around Switzerland.

What did Boris Johnson call this EU-wide electoral movement?

-A blip.

-No, he got a great word for it.

-A blop.

Is it a flange?

"Jackoree", he said. A peasant's revolt.

He wrote in The Telegraph:

The Conservatives are very upbeat and gung ho. Why is that?

They don't understand the situation.

Normally, if you're the party in power,

you get wiped out during these elections.

But they didn't do that badly.

I mean, none of the main parties...

They lost. It's a very boring analysis.

You can tell I was up all night.

It was fabulous. It was like the FA Cup final for some of us.

Some Tories have absolutely no hope of winning back

the voters of a place like Essex,

including the Tory MP for Thurrock.

Jackie Doyle-Price said...

Here is the Sky News reporter Jon Craig

trying to describe what David Cameron's next move is.

David Cameron will travel to Brussels later today for a meeting with

Europe's leaders that was always scheduled for immediately

after the European elections but now has assumed...

BIG BEN CHIMES Oh, fuckin' hell...

We do apologise for that. That was a much earlier recording,

and our apologies from Sky News.

-He's been caught out. He's pretending it's live.

-Yes.

How long's that clock been there?

I love the way she's so calm.

I thought that was the report of what the European leaders had said.

So Ed Miliband travelled to Thurrock to try and win back the voters,

kick-start Labour's campaign.

He was asked to sum up his message to the country in just one word.

And he said:

..and then went on to use 111 words to explain what he meant.

To be fair, that is quite a stupid question, though.

"Can you sum up what the Labour Party is going to do, in one word?"

I mean, if he could, it wouldn't say much for what they do all day.

Could have just said, "Nation." Just lose the first bit.

And then just wander off.

Desperately trying not to call UKIP voters racist,

what did he call them?

-Fascists.

-No, he called them:

Didn't have to say it in one word there.

Although in a recent poll,

-what do a sizeable chunk of the population call themselves?

-Racist.

Yeah.

30% of the population describe themselves as racist,

or a little bit racist.

That's interesting, because only 30% of the population voted.

So maybe it was the exact same group.

Yes, these are the big winners in the EU elections.

Nigel Farage described UKIP's success as a political earthquake,

registering at least 6.2 on the Reichstag scale...

Sorry, the Richter scale.

The UKIP leader's wife gave a behind-the-scenes glimpse of life

chez Farage, as he never calls it, telling the Daily Telegraph...

Ah, yes, the '70s.

They don't make them like that any more - cos they're not allowed to.

Politicians turn to meat-based imagery to win over voters.

Italy's Beppe Grillo said...

Farage said...

While Ed Miliband has promised never again to eat another bacon sandwich.

LAUGHTER

Ian and Joe, take a look at this.

-Lovely day out.

-Oh, this is him weeping.

He's looking very red-eyed. People think he was crying.

Um, that's Lord Oakeshott trying to get rid of Clegg as leader.

And that's Cable running away from the responsibility.

This is the fallout.

The Liberals had a very bad night.

-Hmm.

-As soon as the elections were up, without saying

what's going to happen, they said,

"You're going to resign, Clegg. You're going to resign.

"Do you want to resign now? Go on, cry. Go on, cry.

"How are you feeling? Resign. Cry."

And then...

-Look, I'm a journalist. I know how it's done.

-Yes!

The headline on the BBC website was -

"Clegg, exhausted, red-eyed and pale."

Which I thought was quite good because

women MPs get so ripped apart

for what they look like and their shoes and so on.

At least it's happening to the men as well.

"Exhausted, red-eyed and pale. And is that cellulite I spot?"

I thought, "The boot's on the other foot."

There was a Lib Dem coup to try and get rid of Clegg,

which failed utterly and was ridiculous...

cos the Lib Dems were doing it.

They can't even do a coup.

That bloke Lord Oakeshott conducted a poll saying,

"Would it be better if we didn't have Clegg as the leader?"

And then he said Cable knew about this

because the alternative leader is Cable.

Vince Cable said, "I didn't know about it."

And then Oakeshott said, "Yes, you did."

He was asked whether he would like to be the new leader and he went,

"No, I definitely don't."

But I'm pretty sure afterwards he winked.

-Ssh!

-The poll was then leaked anonymously to The Guardian

who only said it had been commissioned by a Lib Dem supporter.

The company that carried out the poll, ICM, would only say that...

Vince Cable gave a bit more of a hint, saying...

So, yes, Lib Dem Simon Hughes

was interviewed on Channel 4 News about this.

-Anyone interested in what he said?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-He said:

That makes two of you, Simon.

A senior Lib Dem was quoted as saying...

Lord Oakeshott's manoeuvrings

have been described in the press as a putsch.

What's a putsch?

JOE: A spelling mistake.

-A putsch is where you topple someone.

-Exactly.

I don't know why they use a German word. There's an English word -

coup d'etat.

Oakeshott took some other pot shots. He said that...

And that the Lib Dems are a party...

On the plus side, no little backstabby Lord Oakeshott.

If Clegg is to go, who are the frontrunners to succeed?

Chris Huhne is apparently up for it.

Chris Huhne was Matthew Oakeshott's choice.

Oakeshott funded Chris Huhne and wanted him to be leader.

Charles Kennedy. Is he going to come back?

-That'd be nice.

-Wouldn't it be nice?

If all it requires is to go down the pub, then...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Any good news, though, for Nick?

Well, I mean, he's Deputy Prime Minister.

He'll be there for another year.

There we are. He was personally thanked by Nigel Farage

for his sterling contribution to the UKIP victory.

Which was very nice.

Let's finish the round. UKIP have proved they are a serious party,

running for serious power.

Here is Labour MEP Catherine Stihler waiting for the result

in Edinburgh, along with the ultimately successful

UKIP MEP, David Coburn.

Good luck with that, Edinburgh.

This is the Lib Dems' disastrous election result

and here's Nick Clegg after the elections at a youth club

in Westminster.

There we go - sinking the yellows.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The Green Party complained that in spite of getting

more votes than the Lib Dems, the BBC was completely ignoring them.

Anyway, here's another picture of Nigel Farage with a pint.

So at the end of that round, two points each.

APPLAUSE

And so to round two, The Picture Pull-Out Quiz.

Much the same as The Picture Spin Quiz

but we've dispensed with that expensive spinner.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-Yes.

-Luis Suarez has got a knee injury.

There's a World Cup coming up soon.

He's playing for Uruguay against England.

He's had a successful knee operation.

Luis has apparently texted all of England's players to say that

-he will be ready and fit in time.

-Yes.

-I'm not a doctor

but if he doesn't want a knee injury, maybe he should stop running about

and kicking things.

Roy Hodgson is said to be very worried. Here he is. Worried.

-He's worried, yeah.

-That's not eating enough fibre maybe.

What did The Sun do to help make Luis feel a bit better?

Did they make his knee look like a fox?

They've got this special fox applicator now -

they feel they should use it every week.

They sent him a "get well slowly" card.

I am actually, because of the next World Cup being in Qatar,

which is terrible, and all those people overworked and dying,

I'm going to boycott this World Cup, not going to watch a single match.

What do you think, Ian, will you join me in the boycott?

-Yes.

-Not going to watch a single minute of football.

-Yes. And it will be totally on principle!

-Yeah.

It's a sad state of affairs where

we're hoping that the other players get hurt.

It's not a good strategy.

I honestly don't think we're going to win the World Cup.

Ooh! Shut up!

Let's go out in a blaze of glory.

Let's not take our best players. Let's take our worst players.

Let's take 11 pensioners.

Let's take the 1966 World Cup team.

The best chance we've got is if

they don't complete the stadiums in time.

They'll just have to call it a draw.

On the subject of football, what is this?

Stephen Hawking's formula for how England will win the World Cup.

That's it!

Here he is. There we are.

I think he's losing his touch, if I'm honest.

It's been put together by Paddy Power, an Irish bookmaker's,

as a publicity stunt in the hope that

news media will pick up on it.

Hawking summed up our chances by saying...

He obviously wasn't at Wayne Rooney's last birthday party.

Who surprised everyone by kicking a football this week?

-Alex Salmond.

-Exactly.

Heading a ball.

Trying to appeal to ex-SNP voters, who'd gone over to UKIP.

This obviously got all the Twitter photo montages busy,

and they came up with this:

And this:

What is the big football news from Scotland?

Oh, come on!

They drew with Nigeria.

-That's the big news.

-This is the big news.

It's being investigated by police over claims

it had been targeted by match fixers.

Would you like to see the Nigerian goalkeeper not saving a goal?

I'd love to see it.

I saw 20 quid sticking out of his glove.

Afterwards he said, "Whoopsie, what am I like?"

That's amazing.

Do you not get arrested for that?

We're not suggesting, of course, that anything untoward took place.

-I thought you were.

-No, we're not.

-Don't bring us into it.

-No, look at this.

Nothing untoward.

That's kind of fine.

Alarm bells started ringing when someone bet 50p on Scotland.

Do people ever investigate poker matches, like that?

There was one, a few years ago, where a chap -

I thought it was quite clever -

a chap had paid the masseuses - they have girls

to give people massages at the poker table -

and a guy had paid the massage girls, that while they were

standing behind somebody, to signal with their hands what the cards were.

I mean, that's subtle compared to just doing that!

The goal was disallowed.

And he's their coach - he should know.

He had 50 grand on a draw. He had 50 grand on a draw.

This is the build-up to England's early exit from the World Cup.

The Sun delivered a "get well slowly" card to Suarez

to the Uruguayan embassy.

Officials weren't amused, telling the Sun journalists...

..to which they replied, "That's OK, we're a comic, not a newspaper."

Very unfair to the Beano.

So, next one, fingers on buzzers.

BUZZER

This is the Home Alone guy,

Macaulay Culkin, who's set up a band

who are a sort of parody of The Velvet Underground,

but the parodies involve pizzas.

Exactly right. They're called The Pizza Underground.

-So do we have some song titles with pizza puns in them?

-Yes.

Well, that's not a pun.

Where's "I'm Waiting For Deep Pan"?

Well, they haven't even done "Sgt Pepperoni".

GROANS AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

This is where you've got to ask, you groan at Sgt Pepperoni

but not at I'm Beginning To Eat The Slice?

They played in Nottingham where an angry music fan,

Patrick Mendes, told Culkin...

And then they went to Manchester.

Macaulay Culkin stormed off stage

after a fan interrupted his kazoo solo.

-In other pop news...

-Yes.

-What is going on here?

Geoffrey Boycott and who is that?

-JOE: Katy Perry.

-It is Katy Perry.

-Oh, I knew that.

Geoffrey Boycott got to meet his favourite pop star, Katy Perry.

Bit of a slapper meeting the charming Katy Perry.

Here he is on Test Match Special.

BOYCOTT: 'I'm a good fan of pop music.

'I like that Katy Perry.

'She's a good singer. Firework - that was a good record, that.

'She just has something about her voice.

'Her voice is good, it's clear, it's strong.'

'Well, that's wonderful, I'm pleased...'

'I don't think I'll ever meet her, Henry. She's American.'

-Also in our pop round-up, Ian, what have 1D been up to?

-1D?

-Who are 1D?

-One Direction.

-A penny in old currency, my lord.

According to Smash Hits, they've, um...

..they've been smoking marijuana -

and I, for one, will not be buying their calendars any more.

Are they old enough to smoke?

I don't think you can be any age to smoke marijuana.

-Oh, right.

-I'm almost certain it's against the law.

They also, er, filmed themselves smoking it.

Now, I'm old-fashioned, I know, but if you're going to smoke marijuana,

don't film it cos you may get caught.

It's the same reason I don't film myself stealing from petty cash.

-Very wise.

-Ian's bafflement is giving me a terrible flashback.

You can't put this in the programme because it's just not interesting.

It might be the best bit of the show!

We were just making a new series of Only Connect,

which is this slightly difficult quiz show that I make,

and we had a team, lovely, you'd have loved them, Ian,

very dignified older chaps,

you have to spot the connection between clues,

and they had the group Tomlinson - Payne - Horan - Malik.

They stood there and the clock was ticking,

they go, "Well, of course, there is Thomas Paine, of course,

"the great political essayist,

"Terrence Malick, or is it Art Malik?"

Absolutely so far outside their frame of reference!

And I started giggling, and I thought, this is awful,

because they've only got this two and a half minutes.

I was slightly in tears, and I'd just got myself together,

to ask them the question at the end,

"So what's the connection? Tomlinson, Payne, Malik, Styles."

And he said, "Are they golfers?"

You'd have fitted right in, anyway.

-These are the members of One Direction.

-Are they?

Members of One Direction!

I've just seen the connection!

Two members of One Direction, Tomlinson and Malik,

are alleged to be smoking a spliff in this video shot in Peru.

If you're in Peru, I think it is obligatory to smoke a joint in a car.

It's in the driving test.

Are you going to say at some point they might not have been

smoking marijuana? You see them smoking a roll-up, it might not be.

It is possible... I don't know why I'm suddenly One Direction's lawyer!

But it is possible...

This is about as unconvincing as their defence will be.

No, but they're obviously being filmed passing this roll-up around

and they're going,

"Yeah, joint lit, the police can't catch us!" It could have been a joke.

So what has the fallout been?

Has their record dropped out of the top ten?

The Mail Online reported instances

of the band's huge global fan base...

Using them as a roach, I should think.

Fingers on buzzers.

BUZZER

-Yes, Paul and Victoria.

-Laugh... Laugh Out Loud, or whatever it is.

25 years old as an abbreviation, as an acronym, whatever it is, LOL.

-Has it always been Lots Of Love? No?

-Laugh Out Loud.

Laugh Out Loud. Right.

You might have to rethink some of those tweets.

I don't like... I don't like the shortening of all this.

I don't do it, I've kind of got to a point

where I sort of do a protest against it

where, when I send a text message, I do it like a formal letter.

I put my full postal address at the top.

Then their address. Then I put the date. Dear Sir or Madam...

-Further to your tweet of the 3rd...

-That's right.

-That sounds terrific. Do you want to send me one?

-I can't. It takes ages.

So, who invented "LOL"?

-Who invented it?

-Well, allegedly.

-Someone who needs a slap.

-Yeah.

Apparently it was invented by someone called Wayne Pearson,

came up with the acronym when he was on a messageboard

laughing at something written by someone called Sprout.

LAUGHTER

Do you ever use "LOL", Ian?

Not any more, now I've found out what it means!

Meanwhile, this week, Google dramatically changed their logo.

-Oh, God!

-Have you seen this?

-And I've just had 5,000 T-shirts printed.

-Here's the dusty old logo.

-Watch, cos here is the new one.

-Yeah.

Hey, there you go.

-Did I blink and miss it?

-Do you see what they've done?

-No.

They've moved the second G one pixel to the right

and taken the L one pixel down and one to the right.

-So...there we go.

-Does that help them avoid tax?

They could certainly offset it.

I always think the E is having a great time.

It is literally LOL-ing, isn't it?!

-But what else...?

-LAUGHTER

What else have Google done this week, Paul?

I'm not telling you!

Well, they've invented... They've invented it,

they are pushing this car, the driver-less car.

You can see the scene in country pubs, can't you, in 20 years' time?

People come out completely and utterly drunk,

stagger into the wrong cars, give the wrong address,

and end up living somewhere else for 30 years.

Is there no chance that it'll just crash? The system?

Apparently it hasn't, yet.

I'll tell you what it can't do.

One of the problems they have to get round

is if there is a diversion, or an accident,

and a policeman saying, "Stop".

Why don't you just plough into him?

-They'll soon learn!

-Yeah.

But they're not that confident, cos they have made the glass

sort of softer, so if you hit it,

it won't hurt as much,

which doesn't fill me with confidence.

They've just had Google glasses out,

and then they found they give you a headache.

You get more of a headache if you smash into a windscreen.

Yes, this is the news that the acronym LOL is 25 years old.

Another widely used online phrase is Rolling On Floor Laughing,

shortened to ROFL, but nowadays if you sign off your message

with that, you really have got to get the spelling right.

Which means at the end of this round it is two points to Ian and Joe

-but Paul and Victoria, five.

-Five?!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

And now onto the Odd-One-Out Round.

Ian and Joe, your four are Kim Kardashian,

the Crown Prince and Princess of Thailand,

the owner of Fenton

and Jeremy Clarkson.

Her wedding, it was ridiculously expensive,

apparently it was, like, four million...dollars, I presume.

Must have had a cracking buffet.

Fenton was the dog whose owner was on video

when he was chasing the deer.

-He was a dog.

-He was a dog.

-Yes. OK.

That's quite a big clue, then.

But the others aren't dogs. It's not that easy, is it?

Oh, right!

Jeremy Clarkson's been in trouble, he's been in trouble a lot,

but the racist incident before the last one...

Is this slope or eeny meeny?

Oh, no, no, sorry, before the last one before the last one,

so, yes, we're going about four racist incidents before that.

-The Mexicans.

-Come forward from the Mexicans.

Whoa! Too far, too far, back it up now.

Oh, he called his dog after a footballer.

-Didier Drogba.

-But he called it?

-Didier Dogba.

-Yes.

-All of them have dogs.

-Except for one of them.

Except for the Thailand people.

Weren't the Thai people in a sex scandal?

Have I just imagined that?

There was a video made.

If there was a dog in that video, I really don't want to see a clip.

-They had a birthday party for...

-A dog! The dog's birthday party.

Yes, meanwhile, what's going on in...

Meanwhile, on the other side of Europe,

a man in a hut in Sweden is inventing dynamite. Erm...

Embarrassing incidents to do with their dogs.

Except for Kim Kardashian.

-Except for Kim Kardashian.

-JOE: Because her wedding...

No, the dog was a bridesmaid. The dog was the vicar.

They were married by a dog, Reverent Labrador,

"Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!"

-That's, "I pronounce you man and wife."

-I'm going with that.

-There was a dog festival or something.

-A dog marathon.

And they had to pause the wedding.

They had to block the road outside the villa

where Kim was having her wedding so the wedding party had to dash

to their cars before the road got closed.

Have you ever been involved in a car dash, Ian?

GROANING

VICTORIA: I think that's good, I think that's good.

Car dash, Ian?

-So they're the odd ones out.

-Who are?

-Oh, the, the...

Kim Kardashian is the odd one out.

-IAN COUGHS

-Sorry.

-A dog?

-Yes.

-IAN COUGHS AGAIN

-Apologies.

Slight coughing fit.

-CLEARS THROAT

-Sorry.

Do you want to suck a Fisherman's Friend?

LAUGHTER

It's a cough sweet!

That's what he told me.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Well, yes, they have all got into trouble over their dog,

apart from Kim Kardashian who had trouble getting to her wedding

after a road was shut due to a dog marathon.

Kim Kardashian invited Justin Bieber to the wedding,

so even after the bride and groom had left,

there was still a massive arse to stare at.

Jeremy Clarkson was recently accused of racism

for naming his black West Highland terrier "Didier Dogba".

There was more canine-based racial tension

when in a park near Chelsea

Didier Dogba bumped into John Terrier.

The Crown Prince and Princess of Thailand

threw an extravagant birthday party for their pet poodle Foo Foo,

which, according to a former US ambassador,

holds the rank of air chief marshal.

Of course that wouldn't happen over here,

as the highest rank a poodle can achieve is Deputy Prime Minister.

-If you're going to have a dog, it should be a decent size.

-Yeah.

When Paris Hilton is clambering out of a limousine,

I don't want to see her Chihuahua.

Paul and Victoria, here are yours.

-The Colosseum...

-Yes.

-..sheep in Northern Ireland...

-Yeah.

..dog poo in Swansea...

and a South Korean parking space.

I know about that, cos I heard about that on the radio.

They're having special parking spaces for women...

which are going to be bigger than normal parking spaces.

So, what happens if you park in the wrong sexual space?

I don't know.

-If you haven't found out by now...

-Well...

They're also going to be painted...

-Pink?

-Pink.

-Painted pink?

-They are. Yes.

Like....a sheep.

-In Northern Ireland.

-Yes.

And the Colosseum, which is now pink.

-Is it?

-No.

-No...

-Why might sheep...?

-I know Italy's lax about ruins, but you know...

Seoul Council are spending 100 million on making the city

more women-friendly.

-That's nice.

-And this is part of it.

Do you know what else they are doing?

The pavements are being resurfaced with a spongy material

to make it easier to walk in high heels.

-It wouldn't be easier.

-Wouldn't it?

-To walk on a sponge? No!

-Oh, no!

-So that's what's happening in Korea.

-Are these official things?

If that picture of a dog was put up by the Swansea Tourist Board,

-then they really misjudged it.

-No. OK, now, OK...

Ah, is this the dog that excretes autumn leaves?

When dogs leave something on the pavement,

they're going to spray it pink.

-Yes.

-Really?

-That's exactly right.

-Really?

In order to highlight the problem of dog do...

Won't that attract female drivers?

-"It's pink!"

-Only Koreans.

-"It's pink!"

APPLAUSE

But, in Swansea, this is to highlight the problem

of dogs fouling the pavement, they're spray-painting them pink.

Sara and Mark Harris, up in Leicestershire,

have taken this one step further.

They are planting pink flags in dog poo

with the words "dog poo" on them, to help people to avoid them.

Which is nice.

JOE: I think it's time to get another hobby.

This might be in the advice of a court.

So, the sheep must have been painted pink as well, then.

-Do you know why?

-Yes. Because they love it.

It's their favourite colour. Look at him, he's happy, that one.

So, the Colosseum's the odd one out, because all

the others are dyed pink, and it's natural colour IS pink.

Exactly right. That's exactly right, yes. Brilliant.

Fantastic, yes. Do you know how they're doing this?

Some very cutting edge technology at the Colosseum.

They are comparing it to old photographs

-and trying to make it look the same.

-And they are cleaning it with, what?

-Toothbrushes.

-Is it Centurions?

They are cleaning it with toothbrushes?

-Yeah.

-Is it a punishment?

-No, I don't know!

-Is Berlusconi on community service? 200 years!

They've all been spray-painted pink, apart from the Colosseum,

which is undergoing a massive clean-up operation,

which will reveal the original stone had a natural pink hue.

Sheep in Northern Ireland are being painted

pink in honour of the Giro d'Italia cycling tour.

Irish cycling pro Dan Martin said...

Note to judges - make sure you check his urine sample.

Which means, at the end of this round,

it's two to Ian and Joe, but six to Paul and Victoria.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Time, now, for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication Pain News.

An annual subscription to Pain News can cost £250.

Ouch.

And we start with...

JOE: Ruin a lemon meringue pie.

Yes.

It can, it's true.

Next...

JOE: Points out how pointless her stupid effing job is.

Sorry, I just bought a flat recently, I haven't quite got over it.

Apparently the estate agent called the woman "rude" and...

..before writing, "Do you want a job?"

APPLAUSE

Next...

JOE: "Please can I change my surname?"

-MOCK GERMAN ACCENT:

-"Pain is all in ze mind!

"Take zis aspirin you will feel better in ze morning."

-Dr John D Loeser...

-"That will be 125 euros."

Don't worry Dr Loeser, Michael Gove's already working on that.

According to Pain News, another form of therapy is:

Last seen laughing all the way to the bank.

Next:

JOE: Building society.

Gangster fish.

-Ronnie and Reggie Crayfish.

-That's what I'm after!

-Just helping it out!

-That groan is yours!

This is on the A38 in Derbyshire.

The crayfish are holding up the traffic.

There was one nasty road rage incident when one driver

saw the crayfish, and the crayfish responded by giving it all that.

Next:

-DRAWLS:

-"Hello...

"Put these on."

-VICTORIA: Cirencester Agricultural College.

-Yes.

A spokesman explained the university's thinking...

Said Mr Bottom-Spanki.

Next...

Fish under a full moon

and you'll always eat at night, though infrequently.

It's Chinese. A Confucius saying.

"Fish under a full moon mean man live in Hampshire."

-Was Confucius big on Hampshire?

-Yeah, huge.

Next:

Household pets.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Is it Wayne Rooney?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, that tells you something about the British.

You boo the idea that pets might be involved,

but Wayne Rooney gets a round of applause!

-I don't even know who he is.

-No.

Top Gear.

-The answer is...

-LAUGHTER

The answer is...

Oh.

And finally...

Gibraltar!

This is from an editorial by the newly-appointed editor

who drones on about thanking his wife

for letting him accept the challenge, adding...

Though having read his entire editorial,

I would suggest "happy wife" is having an affair.

-They're watching this programme!

-Yeah!

Well, one of them is. The other one's pretending to be at work.

So, the final scores at the end of that round

are Ian and Joe - two, Paul and Victoria - seven.

APPLAUSE

They recognised the European election, and that was it!

On which note we say thank you to our panellists

Ian Hislop and Joe Wilkinson,

Paul Merton and Victoria Coren Mitchell,

and I leave you with the news that in Hampshire

a vet manages to relieve Daisy the cow

after three days of gastric bloat.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

There are concerns that Cabinet Office Minister Francis Maude

may be suffering from water retention.

And onlookers show their concern

as Nigel Farage is trapped high up in a burning hotel building.

Good night.

Yes...

-DIRECTOR:

-Roll on to Nigel Farage.

I beg your pardon!

LAUGHTER

I didn't know we were having a party!