Episode 8 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

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This programme contains some strong language.

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week, following on from

Sainsbury's and John Lewis, Poundland unveiled

their new Christmas advert.

In Padstow, as a restaurant owner is spotted on the beach,

diners begin to suspect that their expensive fizzy water

may not be San Pellegrino.

And just off the A54,

it's a memorable first day for the AA's new trainee.

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On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and one of three

co-hosts on The Last Leg, which celebrated the Paralympics.

According to the Scottish Herald, the three men clicked.

Well, that's prosthetic limbs for you. Please welcome Josh Widdicombe.

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And with Paul tonight is a feminist academic who once said

bras are a ludicrous invention.

And, out of respect to her, I'm not wearing mine this evening.

So, please welcome Germaine Greer.

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Germaine, have a look at this.

Oh, yes, this is Andrew Mitchell. And there's David Mellor.

The man who'll be using a lot of public transport in the future,

I imagine. He can get a taxi disguising himself as two children.

First of all, Andrew Mitchell was found guilty of calling

a policeman "an effing pleb" because he wouldn't let him

go through the main gate at 10 Downing Street.

And David Mellor was recorded by a taxi driver saying things like,

"Don't you know who I am?"

Yes, they were very upset last week that the Labour Party had

shown it was capable of being rude about working-class people,

and it thought, "This week, we're going to trump them."

The great thing about the Andrew Mitchell case is that

the judge ruled the policeman was too thick to make it up.

"Thank you, your honour.

"I shall leave these premises without a stain on my character."

What did the judge actually say?

He didn't have the wit or the imagination.

Or the invention to come up with it, the policeman, so it had to be true.

The trial has been beset by unreliable witness accounts.

What did the copper, Ian Richardson, give as his excuse for not

recording an official account of the incident in 2012?

-He said he was too busy.

-That's right. He told the court...

Mitchell, his defence was, "Yes, I lost my temper.

"I used a whole load of four letter words,

"but I didn't say 'You are a pleb.'"

Which is an odd defence.

And the policeman said, "Actually, you did say that one word."

And that's what it was all about.

It was, essentially... It turned into a political

thing about what the Tory party think of ordinary people.

And now we know what the judge thinks about...plebs.

Because there was no jury.

Is it cos you have to be tried by your peers,

and they couldn't find 12 plebs?

But the judge said...

What did Andrew Mitchell say about the ruling?

He called the judge a pleb.

No, he said he was...

GERMAINE: The problem is the Latin word, the word "plebs."

I mean, it's like one of Boris' funny little asides.

One of those little ancient...

rubbery things he remembers from school.

-JOSH:

-Is a pleb not what I thought it was?

Plebs is just the Latin word for the common people.

I think I'm too much of a pleb to know what a pleb is.

Exactly, but that's probably the judge's point.

What, that I'm a pleb?

That seems very unnecessary. I wasn't even involved in the case.

-But you shouldn't be ashamed to be a pleb.

-I'm not a pleb!

Which other toff had a tiff with some riffraff this week?

David Mellor, as we saw there, was recorded ranting at a taxi driver.

He accused the taxi driver of ruining their day

because his wife, I think, had just been awarded...

an OBE, or whatever, to services to tourism,

"Come to the land where David Mellor lives."

Yes, Lady Penelope. And here she is.

So, when papers described her as a model,

they really are talking about her.

Yes, they were on their way back from Buckingham Palace.

-It was awards day.

-The brilliant thing about it, all the papers said,

you know, there was Mellor shouting, "You've ruined her day!"

But, actually, I went and read the transcript.

And he says, "She just says 'You've ruined my day.'"

So, actually, his wife had said to him, "You've ruined my day."

So he turned to the cabbie and said, "No, you've ruined her day!"

-Yes, David Mellor was accused of being foul-mouthed.

-Well, he was.

Fair enough. Here he is back when he was a Cabinet Minister.

AUDIENCE GROAN

Here he is as a student.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

He hasn't changed at all, has he?

JOSH: It's like the worst Benjamin Button we're going through there.

Anyway, according to the Sun, Mellor called the taxi driver a...

He added...

And David Mellor helpfully reminded the cabbie

of his credentials as a human being.

"Successful broadcaster. I used to be a Cabinet Minister."

See, that would do it. All cabbies are Spurs fans.

Am I wrong in thinking he was involved -

-this seems most unlikely - in some sex scandal?

-Back in 1992?

-Let's have a look. Here is Antonia de Sancha.

-With Max Clifford!

JOSH: Is that what mobile phones used to look like?

But that's not why Mellor left the Cabinet. He stayed on after that.

The Tories were very forgiving in those days.

It's a very different atmosphere now.

He eventually was sacked for taking a free holiday

from the daughter of the PLO's finance director.

-But, you know, times change.

-And nobody remembers that any more.

-No.

I just hope no-one brings it up.

Well, here's a rare photograph

of Mellor and Antonia de Sancha together,

courtesy of Spitting Image.

Nice they found a use for that old Andrew Ridgeley doll.

The story was about toe sucking in a Chelsea shirt.

I mean, I don't know if any of that was true.

I mean, Clifford fed all this,

but he did run off with this actress and desert his poor wife, Judith.

-Is that the wife that was in the cab?

-No, this was a new wife.

Oh, he's ruined someone else's fucking day, yeah!

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Ian, you were involved with Spitting Image back then, weren't you?

-I was, yeah.

-JOSH: Is that your leg?

Look at this.

There's the young blade of satire.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

LAUGHTER

That was pity!

So, yes, what are the cabbies planning now then?

One of them actually said, "We're going to probably

"boycott him because he's broken the cabbies' code."

-He's actually revealed the secret of the taxis.

-Yeah.

-By taping Mellor, this taxi driver is out of order?

-Yes, he'd...

Except I seem to remember we've had some interesting films

made in the backs of cabs, involving celebrities.

Lawrence of Arabia.

Meanwhile, why might the Labour Party have reason to be

very, very grateful to Mellor this week?

Because it now makes their indiscretion last week

-look rather less heinous.

-Yes.

For distracting the tabloids from the row over Emily Thornberry's

tweet about the house with the England flags

in Rochester last week.

Anyway, how is Ed Miliband said to have reacted to the whole

white van man incident?

-He was incandescent.

-He was.

According to the Telegraph, Ed Miliband was...

Still not as angry as his brother was

when he heard that Ed was standing for the leadership.

Who spoke out against the mansion tax this week?

Angelina Jolie,

who speaks out about everything.

She's decided she doesn't really want a house in England

cos of the mansion tax. Is she serious?

Yeah, and then complain about paying possibly top whack

£30,000 mansion tax.

That's it.

The average house in London makes that much money in increasing value

every year anyway.

She wouldn't even notice it!

-It's an extraordinary thing...

-And she's unbelievably rich!

And it does make you think, well,

everything else you say must be rubbish.

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Just a whole load of people who can quite blatantly afford to pay

£30,000 saying, "This is an outrage."

It's a tax on the very rich. It is what it is.

And if very rich people say "I don't want to pay it,"

why do they have to dress it up as though it's a moral issue?

-It wasn't Angelina Jolie I was after, actually...

-Really?

LAUGHTER

Who else?

-Bill Oddie.

-No.

-Yeah, Bill Oddie.

-Oh, I like Bill Oddie.

You mixed up Bill Oddie and Angelina Jolie?

Anyway, to try and move the news agenda on,

to prove they're still the party of the working class,

-what other fronts did Labour open up this week?

-Private schools,

out of their enormous wealth,

are going to have to actually combine with poorer schools

and make a positive contribution to the community.

The basic principle is that the public schools have had

a charitable status which saves them tax.

Hunt's saying, "Why should they now?"

Which seems to me quite reasonable.

I mean, even the headmasters are saying the only people who

can afford these fees are Russian oligarchs.

Is that a charity?

Educating the sons of Russian criminals?

And it's unfair to say it's just oligarchs' children.

There are Chinese Communist Party members as well.

Originally, the schools were set up to, you know, educate poor

children and provide excellence,

and all the things they do that I'm all absolutely for.

But we don't have to give them a tax break for it.

-I think he's probably right.

-GERMAINE: So, tax them.

APPLAUSE

So, how are they going to do it?

GERMAINE: They're going to share their teachers.

And their specialist classes and so forth.

Specifically, they've been told they need to play more sporting

fixtures against state schools, not just against other private schools.

Turns out, there's not a school in Peckham that has a polo team.

"Awfully sorry. Did our best."

What's Tony Blair done to upset everyone?

-Wasn't he given an award by Save The Children?

-That's exactly right.

Do you know what the award was?

Man Who Failed To Save The Children.

It was a star-studded ceremony in New York.

Do you want to name any of the people who were there?

Star-studded event in New York?

Bill Oddie.

Couldn't get him.

-Was Angelina there?

-No, she was here.

-Was Johnny Depp there?

-No, Lassie was there.

-Lassie was there?

Not the original, though.

-Not the original, no. Dakota Fanning.

-Was Rudd Weatherwax there?

He used to be Lassie's trainer. Rudd Weatherwax.

He used to be at the end of the films.

Lassie trained by Rudd Weatherwax.

You'd have to be really interested in films to notice that.

Rudd Weatherwax, R-U-D-D.

-Um...

-Sorry...?

Look it up in one of your magic machines. Rudd Weatherwax.

-Rudd with two Ds.

-And Lassie was a male.

-It was a lad.

-You're kidding!

-No.

No. Ask Rudd Weatherwax.

So, we've got a picture of Rudd Weatherwax.

Here he is with Lassie.

Showing her a script.

He's rewritten some of her lines.

Um, Save The Children.

What's happened in the wake of this?

People have complained.

People have complained. Staff at Save The Children, they said...

Adding...

That's Tony!

Yes, this is the news that Andrew Mitchell has lost his libel

case against the Sun over the plebgate incident.

Bob Geldof gave evidence about Mr Mitchell's character.

Though, on reflection, it was probably a mistake

to ask him to swear on the Bible.

This week, the mansion tax has come in for more criticism.

According to the Daily Mail...

Angelina told Channel 4 News...

That and George Osborne

cutting child benefit for higher rate taxpayers.

David Mellor was also caught up in a scandal this week.

He accused a cabbie of ruining his wife's day.

Mellor ended the journey telling the cabbie...

Before adding, "Oh, no, hang on, the missus is with me."

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What a cheap hit that was!

So, Ian and Josh, take a look at this.

Theresa May.

And this is her fight against terror. We're just going to leaflet people.

-And say, "Don't be a terrorist."

-Is that what the leaflet say?

That's what the leaflet says. "Terrorism, not for all."

Do you know what the leaflets actually say?

It's advice to the public, and it says, "Run, hide, tell."

"Theresa May is coming."

That's right. In the event of terrorism, you should...

It's not the boldest statement of British values, is it?

It's not sort of, "Once more unto the breach."

What is Theresa May proposing? She has new anti-terror laws.

What sort of things is she proposing?

In schools, they're going to ban terrorism.

It's off the curriculum completely.

It's off the curriculum cos it's a big step forward

cos, at my school, they banned conkers.

They're going to educate against radicalism. Is that right?

Yes. They're also looking at taking away

-citizenship of jihadists.

-Yes.

Two returning jihadists were sent to prison this week.

Did anyone see what they've been getting up to while in Syria?

-They've been on a course.

-They have, yes.

-What was it?

A sort of death awareness course?

It's all measures that Theresa has announced this week.

She's announced a lot of things this week,

and she was on Desert Island Discs.

She went on Desert Island Discs, people say, to kind of help this

idea that she's going to be the next leader of the Conservative Party.

And she chose Walk Like A Man

because she said she didn't need to walk like a man.

She could do that with any song.

"I've chosen Turning Japanese cos I'm not turning Japanese."

-So, Germaine, purposeful woman? Or pain in the arse?

-Or...?

JOSH: Are we talking about Theresa May?

What's your take on Theresa May?

APPLAUSE

Well, I would hope that I was both a purposeful woman

and a pain in the arse.

What are the inevitable comparisons between Theresa May

and Margaret Thatcher?

Women.

Point for our team. Thank you very much.

Researchers at the University of North Carolina were

inspired by Margaret Thatcher to do what?

They ran a study into the way people's voices change

from low to high in high-pressure situations,

where their status needs to be asserted. Should we play a game?

-Yes, let's play a game.

-It's a fun game. OK, now, which of these

three voices is the most authoritative? We're going to hear

-the three voices and here they come, Josh. Here's voice A.

-OK.

HIGH PITCHED MALE VOICE SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE

That's the Turkish Prime Minister.

No!

LAUGHTER

Here's voice B.

-LOWER PITCHED MALE VOICE:

-Mr Grimsdale! Oh, Mr Grimsdale!

Mr Grimsdale!

That's the Albanian Prime Minister.

-No!

-And here is voice C.

FEMALE VOICE SINGING, ENDING ON VERY HIGH NOTE

-It's our very own Germaine Greer.

-JOSH: No!

-Yes!

APPLAUSE

You've got a beautiful voice, Germaine.

So, which was the most authoritative?

Of the two prime ministers, are we saying now?

That was actually Norman Wisdom, the second one.

-It wasn't really the Albanian Prime Minister.

-Oh, you are naughty.

On regional issues, what have Scotland been given this week?

Is it England?

-The power to set their own income tax levels.

-Exactly right, yes.

And how has this been made possible?

I don't know, really, but I think it was a deal done with Gordon Brown?

Yes. Labour has made a U-turn.

And, according to the Guardian, this meant that the three main

parties edged closer to a deal with the SNP, and Scottish Greens.

That's something you don't often see in the menu north of the border.

Finally, who has had enough of Westminster, and is getting "oot"?

Clue.

-Mr Brown. Was that your Scottish accent?

-Yes, it was.

-That's very good.

-Could you do a bit more?

-BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Aye.

Why's he standing down now, just after his successful

involvement in the referendum debate?

-Quit while you're ahead?

-Exactly right.

According to the Times...

Which is why it's taken him so long to resign.

Yes, this is the government's plans to combat terrorism.

According to the Sun, one of the terror plots foiled by the police

involved a bomb disguised as a printer ink cartridge.

Just how well funded are these terrorists?

The government advice for what to do

if a Muslim with a beard sits next to you on the Tube remains the same.

Just shift uncomfortably,

and have a liberal crisis of conscience about changing carriage.

And if the threat of terror isn't enough to put you off using

the underground, let me remind you,

David Mellor's going to be using it a lot more from now on.

APPLAUSE

And, so, onto round two, The One-Armed Bandit Of News.

So, fingers on buzzers, teams. Here comes the first piece.

BUZZER

Yes, Paul and Germaine.

People have discovered that Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen

isn't a real character.

Children have been very upset

because he's been their favourite interior designer for many years.

No, this is one of the stories that comes up every year.

The magic kingdom of Santa opened up somewhere

in Nottingham or somewhere like that.

It opened up early so when people got there, it didn't look like

a grotto, it didn't look like fairyland, there was Santa Claus,

"Have what you want for Christmas."

So it all went completely wrong.

But they're reopening, and it might be better.

-I think they opened too soon.

-Yes, that's correct.

Do you know how much it costs to get in?

-25 quid.

-£22.50.

-Oh, it's gone down.

-It's gone down.

This is the magical wonderland billed as,

"The most amazing Christmas experience that planet Earth

-"has ever seen."

-Oh, that's harsh.

Well, I think the baby Jesus

would have a thing or two to say about that.

-Not if he was a baby, he wouldn't.

-No.

How bad actually was it?

The artificial snow wasn't there, it was all muddy...

There'd been very bad weather.

The elves were all smoking, Santa was drunk.

-Visibly.

-That's quite Christmassy. That's normal.

Yeah. One of the reindeers bit one of the children.

-Now, that was made up apparently.

-Oh, was that bit made up?

-Of course it was made up.

-Is Max Clifford out?

Here's a picture of Laurence promoting the event on the website.

There it is.

And here's what visitors faced when the gates opened last week.

JOSH: Oh, my God, it looks like one of those...

It looks like a murder scene, doesn't it?

What was Llewelyn-Bowen hoping to achieve?

-Money.

-Yes.

He told the Telegraph before the park opened...

How did he deal with the complaints?

He said he wasn't...

He only came up with the idea, but they'd executed it.

Probably the wrong word... I think that was...

-He sort of ignored the first round of complaints.

-Oh, did he?

Apparently so. Yes. Then a statement was issued on his behalf, saying...

Llewelyn-Bowen told Judith Woods, a journalist at the Telegraph...

What was wrong with the presents they were given?

-They weren't even wrapped.

-That's true.

According to The Star,

one present given away to the children was a roll of toilet paper.

I think the same thing happens every year, doesn't it?

Every blessed year, you're quite right.

Is it always Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen?

You can't mention his name in the grotto trade

without people getting angry.

Other Christmas news.

What has been designed to ensure that all faiths

can now enjoy Christmas together?

-A jumper.

-Yes.

Got some crosses on...

-You've got the Proctor And Gamble Ariel washing machine.

-You have.

Yes, for the humanists.

On the back, it says, "This is what an ecumenist looks like."

Yes, this is that familiar Christmas tradition -

the botched, overpriced winter wonderland.

In Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen's Magical Journey wonderland,

Father Christmas tried to come down the chimney,

but unfortunately the fireplace had been taken out,

the wall knocked through

to make a velvet-lined, rococo-style brunch bar.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here is the next one.

-BUZZ

-Oh, yes, Ian and Josh.

-Lamb chop in space.

-Yes.

-Yeah?

-That's it. Thank you. Fingers on buzzers!

No, lamb chop, but what's the story behind the lamb chop in space?

There was an author who's launched his book by...

-Do you know what the book's called?

-Lamb Chop In Space?

-Meatspace. Meatspace.

-And he's...

-He launched a lamb chop into space.

-How?

He removed its gravitational pull

by really overcooking it.

Did he pump a sheep full of helium?

Balloon full of helium, put the chop on a fork and here it is.

Look, it stayed on the fork all the way.

-Tell you what, you couldn't fake that kind of footage, could you?

-No.

So it went up there with a GPS tracker and then it just collapsed.

It comes to something when a lamb chop's

had a better, more exciting life than you.

According to The Mail...

No! It would have burnt up in the Earth's atmosphere.

-Apparently not.

-No, no, apparently yes.

It's called science. We know about this.

It landed in a field.

-ATTEMPTS WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-"Look at this.

"That must have been the lamb chop that was up there five months ago!"

You just read this stuff out without even thinking about it, don't you?

You're like a member of UKIP, what's going on?

You've got no idea what you're talking about.

Well, I'm guessing it came down with the GoPro camera and the fork...

You're guessing?

Supposing the scientists who landed the probe on the comet,

suppose they were guessing.

Suppose they thought it was enough to chuck it out the window.

Where would we be then?

-I... I...

-You don't know, cos it's not written on your cue cards!

It doesn't happen on Pointless.

Why don't you get Richard Osman to answer it for you?

Yeah, well, exactly, I'll give him a ring.

Well, you can imagine, headline writers of course sharpened

their pencils and came up with a great number

of spicy food puns in space. Songs.

Dark Side Of The Lamb Chop.

Mm-hm.

-It's a good one.

-No, it wasn't as good as that.

Is that the standard we're trying to aspire to?

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Chop.

LAUGHTER

-Good, I pitched it low.

-JOSH LAUGHS

The Sun came up with...

LAUGHTER Whoa!

Oh, it's spicy.

-Of course.

-Ah.

-Very good.

Lost In Spice.

That's good. Already better.

There we are.

APPLAUSE

What else has been up into space this week?

A sausage.

-The first Italian woman in space...

-Oh, yes, coffee machine.

-That's right. Samantha Cristoforetti.

-First coffee machine.

She's taken the first-ever espresso-maker

to the International Space Station.

Two Italian companies have been working on the design

of a space-friendly espresso-maker for years,

after one astronaut, Luca Parmitano, complained that the...

Poor Mrs Parmitano.

LAUGHTER

Is he married? You don't know.

You don't know, do you?

I have no idea. It's not on the card, Paul!

We're traducing this poor woman who doesn't even exist!

-What...

-LAUGHTER

What was the difficulty about making espressos in space?

Lack of gravity.

Exactly that, yes.

-But then doesn't George Clooney come in...

-Yep, yep.

..from the outside of the space module

and then just make it for you?

Or am I confusing a number of things?

JOSH LAUGHS

Ah, yes. This is the lamb chop that was filmed flying at 82,000 feet.

It's the first meat to fly in space since that cow jumped over the moon.

Also this week,

an espresso machine was taken up to the International Space Station.

It's claimed that this is the first coffee machine in space,

although Starbucks are now officially based on the moon

for tax purposes.

So, fingers on buzzers, teams.

Here's the next one.

BELL

-Yes, Ian and Josh.

-It's a new version of Barbie.

-Barbie as a computer programmer...

-Yes.

-Hacker.

It's to do with a book.

The Book Of Barbie.

Is that one of the Apocrypha?

JOSH LAUGHS

It's a book of Barbie and the series called I Can.

But it has been pulled and pulped

because it is allegedly sexist.

Here is one of the offending passages...

AUDIENCE GROANS

What happened to Ken?!

Oh, I'm asking the wrong person, sorry.

You've no idea. You've no idea. Don't know what I'm talking about.

-Erm...

-You're the opposite of Wikipedia.

Why has the newly released Lammily doll been causing a stir this week?

This is the doll that has cellulitis.

-It has...

-Cellu-leet.

-Exactly that, yes.

Unlike Barbie or Ken, supposed to be the first affordable doll

on the market made according to realistic body proportions.

The doll also includes cellulite and acne, and according to the

makers, the doll can come with...

Here she is. It's quite localised acne, isn't it?

She looks like she's been the victim of an overambitious sniper.

What are the optional extra physical flaws that Lammily could come with?

-Flatulence.

-Yeah, yeah.

For an extra 6, Lammily comes with stickers which allow children to

give the dolls...

All the flaws.

And every doll needs a slogan, of course. What is Lammily's slogan?

-Oh, "I'm average".

-Almost exactly.

-"Average is beautiful."

-Exactly right.

Speak for yourself, Ian. But, yes.

-According to the Guardian...

-That would do.

And may I say, how very lucky we are to have you here tonight, Josh?

Yes, this is the Barbie book that has been slammed

for portraying its protagonist needing IT support from men.

The apparently sexist book was written by author...

Wouldn't have happened if she got a bloke to help her.

Meanwhile, this week, Tesco have apologised after a seven-year-old

girl took exception to a sign by some superhero toys which said...

Not as controversial as Tesco's big plastic calculators,

which are labelled, "Fun gifts for dodgy accountants."

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between you this week.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

Your four are, American ambassador to London, Matthew Barzun.

Inmates at HMP Wakefield.

Tony and Jan Jenkinson, and Michelle Obama.

BUZZER

Oh, yes. Paul and Germaine.

I was just watching Ian go for it, so I pressed it before he got in.

The couple, Tony and Gemma.

Tony and Jay, was it?

-Jan!

-They're standing outside the Broadway Hotel in Blackpool.

-Is exactly right.

-Which is

the hotel which fined them £100

because they went on one of these

TripAdvisor things,

they didn't like their stay very much.

And the manager, owner of the hotel, saw this

and took £100 off their credit card.

-Yeah.

-He said it was policy.

-He'd written it in the small print.

-There's a "no bad review policy".

Apparently it read...

JOSH: Astonishing!

I bet Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen's wishing he came up with that one.

OK, so that's why they're there. The prisoner from Wakefield.

No, I think they complained

-about the food.

-Oh, yes, Ian. Ian.

-That's it.

-OK.

Has the American ambassador complained about something?

Yes, he's been complained about English cuisine, hasn't he?

-Oh, so it's food.

-Food.

-JOSH: Have they all complained about the food,

apart from the couple who've just complained about the general hotel?

Michelle Obama must be the odd one out.

-JOSH: Has someone complained about Michelle Obama's food?

-Yes.

APPLAUSE

Very good.

APPLAUSE

Almost exactly right, yeah.

They've all complained about food,

except for Michelle Obama, who's been the subject of complaints

from American students about their school meals.

American children have been posting

pictures of their school meals on Twitter, along with the hashtag...

This is after she campaigned to make the school meals healthier

and smaller.

Josh, you look like someone who's had their fair share of low

nutritional food.

You're such a sweet talker.

-Yeah, I...

-You have a look at these, Josh.

-OK.

-OK, exhibit A.

-Oh. So what's that? A bap?

And...

..a thrown-up bap.

Here's exhibit B.

That looks like an innuendo that I...

Tony and Jan Jenkinson who went to the Broadway, in Blackpool,

on TripAdvisor they made their little review.

What actually was wrong with the hotel? I mean...

It was a full David Mellor. They said it was...

ghastly and smelly and...

They said...

Oh, have you got their number?

Not an actual plastic sausage?

-I'm guessing not.

-No.

-So the prisoners at Wakefield jail.

Do you know what complaints one convict had regarding fishcakes?

Fishcakes. There's no file in it.

They said...

And Matthew Barzun. His complaint.

Do you know what it was?

Yorkshire pudding or something. What was...

He was talking to Tatler magazine. He said, "At official engagements...

What else does the American ambassador always

serve at ambassador events? "Ambassador events". What's that?

-You know what I mean. At his functions.

-Ferrero Rocher.

-Absolutely right. Yes.

-Really?

-He generally does.

Here's a photograph to prove it.

There you go.

Served on silver salvers.

Lastly, what did one woman in Glasgow do so her dad could

enjoy free meals for one year?

I mean, that is a broad question.

-It involved her midriff.

-Tattoos.

-Tattoos, exactly.

She got a tattoo of the local curry house. There we go. Shish Mahal.

-Wow.

-What did Beth have to say about the tattoo?

Beth being her name, of course.

That she's ruined her life.

No, she said...

So, yes, there we are. They have all complained about their food,

except for Michelle Obama, who's been subject of complaints

from American students about their school meals.

So, some American high schools students are pissed off.

Come on, what's the worst thing they're going to do?

A Prisoner at HMP Wakefield complained of finding a snail in his peas.

Meanwhile, the exact opposite complaint was registered

at HMP Perpignan.

Time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features, as its guest publication, Keeper Notes,

the newsletter of the International Congress of Zookeepers.

Keeper Notes is not a News International publication,

although the editor does spend a lot of time behind bars.

And we start with...

JOSH: Looking like Alex Salmond.

You're getting quite close, actually.

Is it haggis?

-No.

-Oh, is that he doesn't get any more bookings any more

-because he's...

-Yes, it's exactly right.

-I imagine it was exactly in the words I said.

-Lack of work. Lack of work.

-Here is John MacLeod...

-Wow!

..who, according to BBC News...

He doesn't look anything like Susan Scott.

Anyway, next.

GERMAINE: Beats himself.

Is that one of the traditional openings?

You can win any game in two moves,

to try and move the subject on a bit.

-What?

-Yes.

World number one Magnus Carlsen slept through half of a recent

world chess championship match,

unlike the spectators, who slept through all of it.

Next...

-JOSH: Ageing.

-Getting married early, young.

-It's going to be like the one that got away.

-Having a family young.

Not having a family young.

-No.

-Not having a family, having a family.

-No, it's

-not the family so much.

-JOSH: The partner.

-Being in a relationship.

-No. Um...

Being in an on-off relationship.

-Marrying...

-Marrying beneath yourself. Whatever that means.

Marrying...above yourself.

As you know the answer, why don't you tell us?

-There we are.

-Didn't I say that?

-No.

-All right.

Next...

Gets absolutely pissed out of his head.

Every zookeeper goes to a birthday party

and looks around at the other human beings and thinks to himself,

"You know, I suppose in the end I do prefer animals."

-Goes to a birthday party and...

-Dances like a gorilla.

Next...

To be growing UK's hottest chillies.

Here is Matt Simpson, who puts the success of his award-winning

chillies down to treating them with disdain. Here he is...

shouting at them.

Is it true that you've been shouting at Katie and the other chillies to

make them that bit more defensive, that much hotter?

Yes, I hold my hands up.

I shout it, I've done my sergeant major impression at them.

I've picked up the plants, I've dropped the pots,

I've smacked them around.

Yes, I could get into a lot of trouble

if plants have the same rights that cats have.

Will you show us how you shouted at Katie in the past?

You horrible little chilli plant!! Pull yourself together!

Get hotter, hotter, hotter, hotter!!

Was it a slow news day?

Next...

Liver disease.

-Rabies.

-Smelling of bear.

Look how long it is.

Yeah, it's smelling of bear, bear, bear, bear.

Zookeeping can be a rough career.

Female zookeepers, in particular, can find it hard to break

through the glass ceiling, which is just as well, otherwise the gorillas would climb out.

Next...

GERMAINE: Pin the tail on the donkey.

JOSH: Spin the botanist.

Unfortunately the game had to be abandoned because of a cheater.

-Oh!

-Oh, dear.

-That's my favourite joke of the show.

-And, lastly...

Free teenagers.

GROANS

Official policy.

According to BBC News, Berlusconi's currently in hospital

for an eye operation.

Very sorry to hear that. He should be in prison.

APPLAUSE

There we are. The final scores are Paul and Germaine on six,

but Ian and Josh on seven.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

Ian and Josh have this.

Is it "cow disappointed with multi-faith jumper"?

"That's a lovely jersey!"

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much.

Paul and Germaine, get that.

Why have they got electronic things on their heads?

-Well, it's because seals have been behaving very badly.

-Have they?

-What have they been doing?

-They have been mating with penguins.

-What?

It said it in the newspaper. There was a picture of it happening.

As far as I can see, it was just a seal lying on top of a penguin.

Which newspapers are you reading?

Are you sure this isn't just the new John Lewis ad?

APPLAUSE

I mean, you can't blame the seal.

The penguin is the most attractive of all birds.

It's the way they walk.

-On which note...

-On which note, me having sex with a penguin, you're going to

-finish the programme.

-Yeah.

-All right, then.

On which note we say thank you to our panellists Ian Hislop

and Josh Widdicombe, Paul Merton and Germaine Greer.

And I leave you with the news that in central London

a desperate David Mellor has to resort to extreme measures

to make sure he gets home in time for dinner.

In Cardiff there's a Freudian slip as Prince William references

the Crown Jewels three times in one minute.

That could be an advantage in a close race.

And on a visit to a care home,

George Osborne is suddenly struck by the thought that even if they don't

play bingo for money, he can still charge them for the gaming licence.

Good night.