Episode 3 Have I Got a Bit More News for You

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Sue Perkins and in the news this week...

Relaxing on holiday after handing in his resignation,

the boss of Volkswagen lets his wife have a drag on his pipe.

After his report into airport expansion is thrown out

by David Cameron, Sir Howard Davis admits he may have over-reacted.

I have dumped on his desk.

And as the media scrutinises his every move for blunders,

Jeremy Corbyn takes time out

at his friend's electrical appliance warehouse at the weekend.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who says she cried

at the end of Bake Off. We all cried.

I was inconsolable, I'd put 50 quid on Tamal to win.

Please welcome Roisin Conaty.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is the man recently chosen

as the Labour candidate for the London Mayor.

Charismatic and good looking...

are just two of Zac Goldsmith's attributes

that he's going to need to overcome.

Please welcome Sadiq Khan.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Sadiq, take a look at this.

It's not a U-turn. It's the impression of a U-turn.

That's the Shadow Chancellor, John McDonnell.

That's George Osborne.

This is the fiscal charter, which was John's clever plan

to give the impression he was going to support it.

But really we were going to oppose it.

We are going to call it what it is. It's a U-turn on supporting...

-That is outrageous(!)

-..George Osborne's charter...

Deal with it! ..for budget responsibility.

Can anyone tell me what Osborne's charter is?

He's trying to make law the fact

that you have to run a budget surplus even in good times.

-It's an absolutely ridiculous idea.

-Basically it's bollocks.

-Is that a political term?

-That's the level of economic analysis

you're going to get.

The Chancellor's target was balancing the books by 2020

and running a surplus every following year in "normal times".

We've got tens of billions of pounds' worth of deficit,

so George Osborne is breaking his own rules.

And he's broken every prediction he's made since 2010.

So would it have been a good idea to say that originally?

It is not the means that matters, it's the ends.

-And we got there in the end, Ian.

-I know! You're the politician,

but I always thought the opposition was there to oppose.

Two weeks ago, at the Labour conference,

John McDonnell said...

Labour would support Osborne's plan. Why did he then say that?

No shilly shallying.

-Um...it was part of the cunning plan.

-Oh, yeah. OK.

I don't think this Baldrick thing's going to work!

It is a gimmick, it is complete rubbish,

so we'll go to the chamber and support it, because it's nonsense.

You're saying the Labour Party said,

"It's a trap, we're not falling for that, we are going to climb in it."

And then embarrassingly get out. "Yep, it is a trap.

"Getting out of that trap that we said it was. Just making sure."

But didn't George Osborne before turn this down?

Didn't he say, "Fiscal responsibility acts with a... Fiscal irresponsible"?

You're absolutely on the nail.

George Osborne performed a U-turn of his own.

Criticising Gordon Brown in 2010 he said...

Ah, but it's changed. Because now he wants to con the public.

-So it's different.

-Different traps.

-Who helped McDonnell decide to make the U-turn?

-Well, there was Sooty.

There's always Sooty.

"I think we should go for fiscal charter."

Sooty's very good on economics.

He said, "You're going to want to borrow one day, John,

"so don't sign in." "OK." So he didn't.

That's not true, that bit.

About Sooty. They haven't got anyone nearly as good as Sooty.

Are you obsessed with Sooty?

You've mentioned his name three times in the last 20 seconds.

I want him to be in the cabinet.

Is that as far as your desires and ambitions go for the little bear?

No, I think he'd get the top job.

And if he comes on this programme, he could be Mayor of London.

During the debate, how did he describe his decision

-to reverse Labour's stance?

-ROBOTIC: Embarrassing.

-That one?

-Was he a Dalek?

He looked like... You know when you're hungover and you have a memory

and you go, "Oh, God, no."

He just kept saying, "Embarrassing, embarrassing."

It was like, "Stop saying it, you're on telly!"

It was like he was having some kind of malfunction.

Couldn't we restage it with glove puppets?

Give Sooty his chance.

Sadiq, do you feel it's embarrassing?

Had I known I'd be doing this show the Friday after then...

I probably would have said no to this show, but, look....

It could be any week in the next 12.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So there was a meeting of the parliamentary Labour Party

on Monday night which the Telegraph described as heated. Why was that?

It's getting cold.

Wait till October comes...

APPLAUSE

Apparently several members stormed out when McDonnell announced

his decision to reject the charter. One MP said...

It was probably best summed up by Ben Bradshaw,

who left the meeting saying...

Although a McDonnell spokesman described the meeting as...

What was Jeremy, your leader, doing during all this total shambles?

-I think our leader was listening.

-He...

As one backbencher put it...

They're quite foul-mouthed, these Labour MPs, aren't they?

-Were you at this meeting?

-No, it was one of those meetings I missed.

-Is that true?

-The words of plausible deniability.

So a lie, then.

-And Sadiq organised Ed's campaign, so we can trust him.

-Yeah.

-It's going to be a long night, isn't it?

-Yeah, it is.

Not as long as his.

Do you think... My own theory is...

Ach, can we...? Next question! It's the same question all night.

We're teasing it out.

Do you ever feel that maybe this is all your fault?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Honestly, that Bake Off image has gone for good!

That would only be the case if you nominated Jeremy Corbyn

for the leadership contest.

You didn't, did you?

I did. And look, I mean, you know, I think it's early days yet.

-It is early days.

-You didn't vote for him, though, did you?

No.

-So you nominated Jeremy Corbyn?

-Yeah.

OK. And then you didn't vote for him.

You went for Andy Burnham?

Yeah.

You made it sound as if that was a trick question.

BBC's Newsnight did its own mini poll about the electability

of Jeremy. Let's see how that went.

How many of you would vote Labour if Jeremy Corbyn was leader?

Put your hands up if you would.

Yay, one.

I don't know that they should have let Jeremy into that poll.

This week we find out what Jeremy Corbyn's

long-standing private engagement was

that prevented him from meeting the Queen

and the Privy Council. What was he up to?

He was on a break,

recharging his batteries after a really hectic and busy summer.

You make him sound like an electric vehicle.

He was on holiday in Scotland.

He was having fish and chips and a soft drink

at the Ben Nevis Bar & Restaurant in Fort William

whilst on a walking holiday.

We've got a picture of him relaxing there with the pub landlords.

Nice sweater.

You can see he's just smuggled

six bags of cheese and onion crisps

right under there.

Right under the landlord's nose.

Cos he wasn't at the Privy Council, he can't get told about threats

like Syria and stuff like that, is that right?

-He doesn't get a security briefing...

-Right.

..until he turns up.

So he'll have to go at some stage

but he didn't go this week.

-Who here has been to a Privy Council meeting?

-I have.

What do you need to do? What's the initiation ceremony?

First time you go in there, you swear an oath to the Queen.

-Is there any kissing or kneeling?

-I did both.

Were you required to do both?

LAUGHTER

I was told those are the rules to get in.

-So you kiss the hand?

-Yeah.

Isn't it you're supposed to brush your nose with it?

Nobody told me that, so I kissed her hand.

I was told afterwards that I was supposed to have...

LAUGHTER

Sorry, you met the Queen and you're supposed to do this?

Finally, why might Labour's deputy leader Tom Watson

have been a bit too distracted this week to notice his party imploding?

He's on full time paedo duty.

LAUGHTER

We're all thinking how to phrase it, Ian!

I thought I'd do it technically.

He's roaming around the country

shouting through people's windows, "Paedo!

"I can see you in there. Paedophile.

"Paedo!"

Unfortunately some of the people he's shouting at aren't paedos,

which is a problem for him,

and everyone else.

This is the Labour Party beginning to fall apart

with just five nail-biting years to go before the general election.

Diane Abbott attempted to defend Labour's U-turn on Radio 4's

Today programme but instead, according to the Times...

Leading many in the Labour Party to question her usefulness...

unless, of course, you want a game of Battleships.

LAUGHTER

Ian and Roisin, take a look at this.

It's a U-turn.

-This is the Tory U-turn.

-Yes.

We were going to provide a prison training service

and they were going to advise Saudi Arabia on their jails.

It's like, "Oh, what, is your hand hurting from whipping?"

It's just us sucking up to the Saudis yet again.

But finally someone's called their bluff.

You're absolutely right, this is the famous liberal Michael Gove...

He is! It's a really liberal move.

..effecting the Government's U-turn over supplying Saudi Arabia

with consultancy advice for their prison system, worth 6 million quid.

Why has Cameron U-turned?

Has he only just realised

that Saudi Arabia execute 200 people a year?

No, I think he was aware of it before, but he didn't care.

The Labour Party have raised this issue.

Jeremy Corbyn mentioned it in his speech in Brighton

and, lo and behold, two weeks later,

you've got this massive U-turn from the government.

He challenged Cameron about the deal to help the Saudis take control

of the UN committee on human rights when they were planning to behead

a teenager for looking at things on the internet.

This is Jon Snow taking Cameron to task.

We in November did a deal with the Saudis

that we would back them joining the Human Rights Council

of the United Nations providing they backed us.

This sounds a bit squalid for one

of the most human-rights-abusing regimes on Earth.

Saudi Arabia is a member of the United Nations

but we completely disagree with them...

Why did you want them inside the Human Rights...?

We completely disagree with them about the punishment routines,

about the death penalty, about those issues.

Why did we do this deal? They're not the right sort of people to be doing

any sort of a deal on human rights.

-We totally oppose their record in that area.

-But why did we do it?

-We totally oppose their record in that area.

-No, but why did we do it?

-I've answered the question.

-Well, that isn't an answer, is it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There's potentially another reason as well,

a single case that might have precipitated this.

-The blogger.

-The guy who made the wine.

This is it, yes. Do you know anything more about him?

He made really bad wine...

-No, he made home-made wine in Saudi Arabia.

-Yup.

And he is in prison and they said they might flog him.

Ironically, for going on the lash.

LAUGHTER

What did he make the wine out of?

-Do we know?

-This we don't know. Just "home-made."

-Which sounds a little suspect.

-Can you make wine out of nettles?

Boots kit.

-Boots kit, yes.

-You just do it in the bath.

The idea of you making wine in the bath!

Champagne in a bidet, yes! But wine in a bath?!

The bubbles are fantastic.

Was Saudi Arabia always called Saudi Arabia?

It was given to the Saud Family. King Saud.

It's as though England was known as Lizland.

Please can we now rename it Lizland?!

Lizland. I think that would be rather good.

Do you think Jeremy would go for that?

# Lizland, Lizland...#

-Isn't that the German national anthem?

-It is.

I'm just going back a little bit in history.

It sounds like a Queen-related theme park, Liz Land.

Get a ride on the Duke of Edinburgh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Staying with... Oh, no.

That's going to take a while to leave my mind.

You gotta be this high to get on this ride.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS THEN OOHS

I don't know what joke you think you're objecting to.

Some of you have got very dirty minds out there.

-Can I just say, if Her Majesty is watching...

-If she's watching?!

As a Privy Council member, I apologise profusely for what your subjects are saying.

She's not watching this,

she's watching Piers Morgan Interviews the Bee Gees.

On Life Stories.

If she is watching, she'll say,

"There's the guy who snogged my hand as opposed to doing that."

OK, we'll stay with abroad news.

Is that how we're referring to the Queen these days?

'The Broad'?

-That's not very good, is it?

-Who wants Britain to stay abroad?

Richard Branson, all sensible people,

people who aren't xenophobes

and people who'd like us to have jobs and growth in this country.

You made a distinction between Richard Branson

and all sensible people.

-Any other prominent names?

-What about Jeremy?

He's got a bit of form on wanting to leave.

I think you'll find we are definitely in favour of staying Europe, Ian.

This week, anyway.

LAUGHTER

When can we expect a solid answer?

I think you've heard it here tonight.

We're going to campaign to stay in the EU.

This is breaking news now?

You've decided it on a comedy panel show?

-All former Prime Ministers, they're in. Did you see them?

-Yes.

They all agree.

-Who haven't they got that they really want?

-Mary Berry.

Couldn't possibly comment on her views on Europe.

Mainly - can't get a sensible word out of her

after about eight o'clock.

What sort of words do you get out of her after eight o'clock?

Who could you think of that would really seal the deal?

-Boris Johnson.

-Indeed.

-He went to a trade mission where?

-He's in Japan.

What did he say that was seized on by the press in regards to Europe?

"Blah, blah, blah, Europe, Europe, blah, blah, blah."

SHE MUMBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLY

APPLAUSE

He said...

Don't know if he travels easyJet but that was his statement about it.

While in Japan, Boris tried out a range of Japanese goods,

including some authentic Japanese footwear.

Thank you, that's it, thank you.

They're just having a laugh, aren't they?

The people at the temple said, "We've got these clown shoes...

"get him to wear them, I bet he'll wear them.

I really hope they hid his real shoes after so he had to walk home in them.

The long Shinto walk of shame.

The Japanese have a word specifically to describe the act

of sending Boris Johnson to a culturally sensitive part

of the world, and that word is...kamikaze.

What else did Boris do while he was out there?

He tripped over a boy while playing rugby.

He sort of shoulder charged him and this eight-year-old boy

collapsed into a heap and Boris just said, "Well..."

-Collateral damage.

-Yeah, he said collateral damage.

"Blah, blah, blah, rugby, rugby."

He saw the boy and he went for him. He played the boy not the ball.

He did indeed. He squashed a small child.

Here are some really captivating images of him just playing.

Just a little bit of play there.

Where else has Britain been falling down in our dealings with abroad?

Is it war?

LAUGHTER

We've come up short in a war? We didn't turn up?

"We thought you said 11."

In terms of diplomacy,

what might one do when you visit somebody from a foreign land?

-You take along a gift of some kind.

-Absolutely. According to Anna Soubry

we've given poor quality gifts. We in return have received some

quite nice gifts. What did the Queen get in Fiji?

Was it Fiji?

"I've got one of these."

-A lake.

-Not a lake but something...

I was going to say something that swims in it but it doesn't...

-Something that perhaps is in a river.

-A whale.

-What bit of the whale?

-What?

-She got bits of whale?

-She got a bit of a whale.

You can't get a whole whale - that's a massive gift!

But it makes sense, it's the whole whale!

But you have to pretend you don't know what it is when you unwrap it.

"Is it a bike?"

Yeah, that's a thing. When gift wrapping a whale,

-would cover the blowhole or not?

-I think you'd have to.

-For reasons of national security.

-Otherwise you'd be giving it away.

"Your Christmas present has just eaten 5,000 tonnes of plankton."

It wasn't a whole whale. It was not a whole whale.

You're saying it like it's not as bad cos it wasn't a whole whale.

-Was it just his eyes?

-No, slightly lower than the eyes.

His nose? Do they have noses?

-Was it a whale tooth?

-Yes, it was.

In my sad universe, I like to think they painlessly extracted it

and let it go on its way.

"This is for the Queen!"

They did it nicely, with music playing in the background.

-Really nice dentist.

-Whale music!

To calm him down. Sounds like hundreds of his peers are watching.

-How big would a whale's tooth be?

-You'd have to adjust the chair.

If you think a sperm whale tooth is good, what did the islanders of Tana

in the South Pacific give the Duke of Edinburgh?

Was it the rest of the whale?

-"You can match them."

-I can tell you this clue.

I don't think he had already got one of these.

Was it a Wham! album?

They gave him...

-For the man who has everything.

-Who has a straw penis, presumably!

Who has been getting a gift from the Russians,

on a more serious note?

Are you doing a gift in the real sense of the gift or a bad gift?

-This is a bad gift.

-OK.

This is specifically about the gift from

the Russians to President Assad of Syria.

Russia has been bombing all of his opponents, including,

on occasions, Isis.

They've started firing cruise missiles from ships in the Caspian,

930 miles away, and four missiles landed in?

-Iran.

-Iran indeed.

Amazon missile. They're not in, go next door!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the government's U-turn on the Saudi prison contract.

Britain is involved in a row with Saudi Arabia over the cancellation

of a prison deal and the threat to flog one of our citizens.

Saudi Arabia is not a sensible place for a bloke to drink alcohol,

cos, if you do get drunk, you can't even get your wife

to drive you home.

And so to round two, the One-armed Bandit of News.

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here is the first one.

BUZZER

Paul and Sadiq.

This is the news that, from now on, there will be no more nude women

in Playboy magazine.

Why have they come to that sensible decision?

They're going to use actual rabbits now

but with human ears.

-And human bums.

-Human bums?

-Human bums. Human-bummed rabbits

will be serving you drinks.

From January 1st.

They have actually realised - you'll know this, Ian -

that the reason...

LAUGHTER

It's down to the influence of online pornography.

Playboy CEO Scott Flanders told reporters...

Just one click, Ian.

In dropping nudity from the magazine

who are they now trying to appeal to?

-Younger people.

-Yes. Specifically?

Children.

Playbaby.

It's a job for Tom Watson.

They said they want to appeal to...

It's a kick in the teeth for all those rural masturbators.

There was a fantastic interview... Ruby Wax interviewed Hugh Hefner

and she said,

"Do you ever fantasise with your girlfriends that they love you?"

LAUGHTER

She was a brilliant interviewer.

Carrying on with women's issues,

this week it emerged that female Chinese cabin crew

had been forced to do what ritual on aeroplanes?

They were expected to climb into overhead lockers as part of

an initiation ritual. Let's have a look.

Pixelated out her shame and hers, too.

They've also pixelated her hands.

I was thinking that the overhead locker looks more comfortable

-than most seats.

-I thought that.

The airline did say the incident occurred after the crew had

completed in-flight duties, and argued that...

So that's fine, then. In better news for Chinese women,

who was awarded the Nobel Prize for Medicine last week?

I know who was appointed the Nobel Prize for Economics!

-I don't know, either.

-No?

Don't judge me.

It was an 84-year-old woman called Tu Youyou. There she is.

First Chinese woman to win the award.

And one bright spark pointed out that Tu Youyou may have won

the Nobel Prize, but...

Here goes the tweet...

I don't wish to be rude

but she looks a bit like the Dalai Lama in drag.

It's not him, is it?

LAUGHTER

-It's him! He's smuggled his way through!

-It is, actually!

How many Nobel Peace Prizes does he want?

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

An American woman. Her nephew ran to her arms and shouted

"I love you", and, as he landed on her,

he broke her shoulder - it's like two years ago -

and she is suing her nephew for £125,000.

Is right. This is the news that a woman in the US, who took

her 12-year-old nephew to court, has been awarded...

zero damages!

Hurrah!

-APPLAUSE

-Common sense has prevailed.

The aunt, Jennifer Connell,

claimed her nephew left her with a broken wrist.

Her lawyer claimed...

But the nephew, who was eight at the time of the hug...

Crucially, as part of the evidence,

how was poor Aunt Jenny - as I think we should rightfully refer to her -

still suffering from the hug?

She finds it impossible to carry out a full Nazi salute?

Well, you're on the right track.

She told the court, at a recent dinner party, she found it...

That was just for starters.

Did she just leave it on the table?

Typical American.

In other crime news, why are public order offences surging

nearly 20% across the country?

It's because a new edict states that all complaints - ALL complaints -

from the public must be included by police in official statistics.

So, as a result, why was a teenage girl reported to

Hampshire Constabulary over an incident with a perfume bottle?

Was it one of those tester bottles in a department store

and she picked it up and just squirted it in somebody's face?

She had an argument with her mum.

She used her mother's perfume before running out of the house,

and according to the Times...

According to Simon Hayes, who is Hampshire's elected Crime Chief...

LAUGHTER

Sadiq, you can change this if you get into power.

You can make this not be a thing.

If Jeremy Corbyn was Prime Minister, none of this would happen.

You could just be walking past a police officer, "Blah, blah, blah."

And they'll be like, "I've got to write that down."

If you're going to get done for muttering something,

you might as well punch them in the face.

What happened to a man in Lima this week who attempted to

break into a shop in just his undercrackers?

-Was it a trousers shop?

-Yes.

He went straight in, put on a pair of trousers,

"Thank goodness for that.

"No-one can now see my undercrackers."

If only he'd got as far as the trouser shop. He actually

got stuck and then got caught.

On the plus side, he did win the Turner Prize.

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here we go.

BUZZER

The Times is now having a Latin crossword.

What does that say in Latin?

"I bring you news..."

"Have I Got News For You!"

The Times have finally printed their long-awaited sequel

to the 1930 Latin crossword.

And in waiting 85 years, they probably wanted the one person

who started it to actually finish.

The questions are a mix of straight and mildly cryptic clues

mainly in English with the answers in Latin.

22 across is particularly hard.

I don't even understand the clue.

Presumably, this is the sort of thing you would get

at a new grammar school.

Yeah, and they'd probably knock it off in 20 minutes.

Does anybody know about the government's plans to approve

the first new grammar school in 50 years?

It's the extension of the Weald of Kent School. Very good school.

-Did you go to that school?

-You think I went to a grammar school!

LAUGHTER

I'm so terribly sorry.

-We have had some rude people on this show!

-Forgive me, sir!

So you've got some chums...?

What's the controversy about the extension?

It's to get around the rules that you can't open new grammar schools.

It's not in the same town.

The law means that, strictly speaking, the new school,

which is the annexe of the Weald of Kent School in Tonbridge,

-it's eight miles away.

-Long corridor.

So back to Latin now.

What other old Italian has been in the news this week?

-Berlusconi.

-It is Berlusconi. What's he done this week?

-He has written a book.

-He has indeed.

Does anyone know the title?

-My Way.

-It is.

Although I think Strangers In The Night

might have been slightly more appropriate.

He looks like a Chesterfield Sofa.

If you took his jumper off he'd have all those buttons all over him.

The only difference being nobody wants to sit on him.

-Nobody wants to.

-Or get the loose change that's fallen down the back.

You'd give it a good rummage, just to see.

It's got loads of interesting stories in it, this book.

What did Berlusconi show George Clooney

while he was round his house?

A double bed that...

Sarkozy bought him?

No, not Sarkozy. Close.

-Putin.

-That's exactly right.

Everyone wants a double bed off Putin.

Clooney actually said..

This is the news that, as part of their fight back against the decline

of print journalism, The Times have published a Latin crossword.

It's hoped that this new puzzle will raise interest in Latin

to negligible.

Oh, really!

Still keeping it going.

"One man stands alone."

How do you say "one man stands alone" in Latin?

Um...

no.

Cos I'll end up getting it wrong

and making the case against it.

But anyway, no, I'm all for Latin.

Unus homo stet solus.

It'll be equivalent to that

but not all in the same case.

LAUGHTER

Time now for the Odd One Out round. It's just one between you this week.

Your four are Sadiq Khan, Michael Portillo,

Jon Snow and a Plectorhinchus caeruleonothus.

This is about bastards.

I thought you all had teeth missing.

LAUGHTER

It is about bastards.

-That's the clue. Because...

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-Jon Snow from Game Of Thrones...

Please do that voice again.

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-Jon Snow, winter's coming.

APPLAUSE

He's a bastard.

Michael Portillo was described as a bastard by John Major

when he rebelled.

Sadiq Khan described the whole electorate as bastards

when they didn't vote Ed Miliband in.

LAUGHTER

Is that not true?

-No, it's not.

-Oh, right, OK.

I was alleged to have said

that all voters as bastards.

-Oh, right, but you didn't say that?

-No, I didn't.

-So this story's not true?

-No, it's not true.

Oh, right, well, there's no link, then.

That fish is a bastard.

LAUGHTER

-Bastard is right, but who is the odd one out?

-The fish.

-No, not the fish.

-Sadiq.

Absolutely. They've all been called bastards, except Sadiq,

-who called voters...

-Allegedly.

-..allegedly called...

How are you planning to get those bastards

back on side before the Mayoral elections?

Did you see Boris's slogan at attempting to back Goldsmith?

He said, "From now on, it was back Zac,

"and crack London's problems."

LAUGHTER

So, Michael Portillo, in 1993, along with two other MPs,

was called "a disloyal bastard" by then Prime Minister, John Major.

Speaking about the incident in 2013,

what did Mr Major have to say about his use of words?

"I was absolutely accurate in what I said,

-"and I wish I had used stronger language."

-Pretty much it.

How he phrased it was this, he said...

Apart from being an obvious bastard, can someone tell me what other hobby

Michael Portillo has taken up?

-Musical instrument.

-No, but music's involved, Paul.

Is it London Grime?

Ian, do you know what London Grime is?

Yeah, it's everywhere, just...

LAUGHTER

Like fellow Tory George Osborne, Michael Portillo seems to have

developed a taste for rap group NWA.

Here he is with a startling rendition of Straight Outta Compton

on BBC's This Week.

# Weekly, monthly, yearly

# Until them dumb fools see clearly

# That I'm down with a capital CPT

# Boy, you can't mess with me

# So when I'm in your neighbourhood you better duck

-# Cos Portillo is crazy as

-BLEEP.

-#

LAUGHTER

They bleeped the wrong bit out!

They should have got rid of all the other stuff.

Due to his unhelpful views on Europe, Michael Portillo

was called a bastard in 1993 by the then Prime Minister, John Major.

He followed his outbursts over the bastards with a reference to

Lyndon Johnson's maxim about J Edgar Hoover...

On Bake Off, we're just the same with Mary Berry.

Jon Snow is the illegitimate son of Ned Stark in Game of Thrones,

and is often referred to as "Ned Stark's bastard."

Game Of Thrones' mix of intrigue, violence

and boobs have unsurprisingly helped make it a firm hit with politicians.

Anyone here watch it? Anyone a fan?

-Are you a fan?

-Yeah.

What draws you? Is it the intrigue, the violence or the boobs?

Yeah, with Playboy gone, it's all there is.

No, it's just the violence, I'll be honest.

Let me try and pronounce this correctly...

Plectorhinchus caeruleonothus

is a newly-recognised fish that's been

caught off the coast of Queensland, Australia,

and given the name blue bastard. According to the Daily News,

the blue bastard is a member of what anglers call...

Lonely hobby, angling.

Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features,

as its guest publication, Merry-Go-Roundup,

a National Carousel Association's newsletter.

And for those wondering about its circulation - once every 30 seconds.

We're going to start with...

The Bible!

The Nazi war trials after the Second World War.

-It's a famed writer.

-Ernest Hemingway.

-Bill Bryson.

It was somebody who was a renowned diarist.

-Samuel Pepys.

-Bridget Jones!

LAUGHTER

She said they were V V V good.

This is from Merry-Go-Roundup.

The magazine have criticised Samuel Pepys for mentioning

the restoration of Charles II,

the Fire of London, the Second Dutch War,

and the Great Plague, and yet somehow

missing out the advent of a carousel. They are furious.

Next...

SADIQ: This is savoury and pudding on the same plate.

You're right, it was sort of savoury and sweet and the answer is...

Custard and fish.

I'll give you half because it's...

This is St James University Hospital in Leeds

who served one patient this.

According to The Sun, after the complaint, an auxiliary nurse...

Although someone had stuck a sausage in it.

-Sounds quite nice!

-Sounds quite nice?

Public school dinners, is it?

-Memories.

-Yeah, that takes you right back.

-Mmm.

-Mmm!

Next...

Ant. Dec.

Swansea lookalike searching for dog with one eye lookalike

to complete act.

Ian was more on it with double acts.

Laurel and Hardy.

Is the right answer.

This is a man in Berkshire called James

who's looking for a Hardy lookalike to double up with his Laurel.

Here he is.

But if you're after an Oliver Hardy lookalike, just go on Tinder,

swipe yes to an extremely attractive man in their mid-20s,

and when they turn up, they WILL look like Oliver Hardy.

Trust me. Next we have...

European merry-go-rounds proved superior. The French one was better.

The German one was MUCH better.

Apart from the emissions.

LAUGHTER

The answer is...

Around the 1850s, a carousel of wooden horses was known in England

as a merry-go-round and in France as a monte-dejeuner,

or "ride your lunch."

Next up we've got...

Marches into Czechoslovakia!

LAUGHTER

"The trees are so much nicer here.

"I have not got my map, I do not know about borders."

-Exactly.

-What is the worst thing a German forestry minister could do?

-Set fire to a tree.

-Yes.

Finally...

And the landlord says, "That will be £5,"

and the duck says, "Do you get many ducks in here?"

He says, "No."

He says, "I'm not surprised if you charge £5 a pint,"

and that is the end of that.

Drinks pint and then a dog comes in and is like,

-"Listen, I'm sick of you hanging around here."

-You're right.

This is the duck who got into a fight with a dog after drinking beer

in a Devon pub. According to The Mirror, the duck...

It does not specify what the act is,

although it is worrying that the duck has to be drunk to do it.

So the final scores... They are close.

We have Paul and Sadiq on 7,

and, narrowly in the lead,

Ian and Roisin with 8.

APPLAUSE

But, before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

Ian and Roisin have this.

Lib Dem conference sell-out.

Paul and Sadiq, you get this one.

"I hear there's going to be a duck down the pub tonight."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"He goes anywhere near my pint... If he's got a bow tie on,

"I'm going to have him!"

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Roisin Conaty and Paul Merton and Sadiq Khan.

And I leave you with news that,

after Australia top their group in the Rugby World Cup,

one fan totally overdoes it on the beers.

After Robert Peston announces his defection to ITV,

Nick Robinson hopes he'll finally get his go with the BBC wig.

LAUGHTER

And as two sisters win a fancy dress contest in Saint Petersburg,

the runner-up simmers with rage at the injustice.

LAUGHTER

Goodnight.

APPLAUSE