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This programme contains some strong language
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Kathy Burke.
In the news this week, on his way to a conference
about the origins of the universe,
Stephen Hawking regrets demanding a police escort.
In an attempt to confuse would-be assassins,
David Cameron meets his stunt double.
And leading scientists predict that future generations
will struggle to overcome the forces of friction and gravity.
On Ian's team tonight is the Channel 4 News presenter
who asked recently,
"When does a compliment about a woman become sexism?"
Well, that's a very good question, blondie.
Please welcome Cathy Newman.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And with Paul tonight is a surreal comedian
who says he likes to look for faces in cakes.
Give it a couple of hours
and I know where he'll be able to find at least one face in a cake.
Please welcome Ross Noble.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
Ian and Cathy, would you take a look at this, please?
-That's the latest spying technology.
-That's you before deadline.
Oh, and that's the snooper.
-This is this new bill.
-The surveillance bill.
Or you'd call it "the snoopers' charter".
Oh, right. Yes, I would, Cathy!
They've got this new draft Investigatory Powers Bill,
and they're going to have your entire internet history,
your phone, everything, saved for a year.
So it's safe from hackers.
There was a lot of spin before this, wasn't there,
that they were retreating from some things,
it wasn't going to be as bad as all that?
That's what the government usually does.
It tells you it's going to confiscate your entire life
and then brings in a bill saying, "We'll only have half of it."
And everyone goes, "God, Theresa May, she's so nice.
"She was going to have everything I've ever done or known,
"but now it's just this tiny bit of everything."
So this is the second go they've had at passing the bill.
What happened the first time?
-The Lib Dems voted it down, didn't they?
THEY called it "the snoopers' charter".
Yeah, and look what happened to them.
And what do the security services want?
Yes, they would like to access every single piece of information
or personal data exchanged over the internet - ever.
There's certain safeguards,
but on the whole, it's still a bit of an attack on personal liberty.
-But it is a popular measure.
Well, the public aren't as bothered about it as you are, the polls say.
I hate to make cheap points, but...
-Are you bothered about it?
ROSS: You would be, with my browsing history.
Just saying and that, you know.
I didn't know what to think,
but then I saw this documentary called Spectre, erm...
-And everybody's against it!
It's true, they all are. M - he was against more surveillance, Bond...
The only person who was for it was the bloke with the cat!
Postman Pat is involved in...?
Has he been opening our mail the whole time?
Mrs Goggins in the post office? She's up to her neck in it.
I think she was arrested, though, some accounting difficulties.
And then they closed the post office down, and now she's alcoholic,
-in a ditch.
-That's her now.
Fell on hard times, she's become Mrs Snoggins.
Won't pay her the money, poor old woman.
Working in a post office - now selling herself.
Like she used to sell stamps. 1st Class mail.
They're groaning and clapping at their own jokes!
-And what won't they get with this new bill?
Cos that's sort of the upside of it, isn't it?
They can be going through and checking people out, and going,
"Mmm, interesting book on the Cotswolds."
They link in to what you've just bought, haven't they?
And they'll say, "Oh, now you'll like this."
Somebody sent me a link.
Apparently, they'd gone to buy one of my DVDs, and it said,
"If you like this, you'll also like this",
and it was the DVD of Jesus Of Nazareth.
A new technical advance
has made the job of the security services much harder
for the last few years - what is that?
Moving from the brick phone to the smartphone.
-Well, it's encryption.
According to the Telegraph, the biggest problem is
when you get something that's...
Well, I've had a few mornings like that, that's all I can say.
-My kids do that.
-Yes, I've got WhatsApp.
What is it?
It's one of the phone applications that is encrypted at both ends
as we said, which the government is trying to make cryptable.
It started out on the iPhone...
That was a word you plucked out of thin air.
It started out on the iPhone and this is what Apple have to say
about their private messaging apps...
So, there you go, terrorists,
another reason to get yourself an iPhone.
Yes, but Apple are brilliant.
They don't even comply with the tax demand so...
But then they force Bono into your iTunes.
Surely there's got to be a...
Who's come home just in time
to have all his phone calls and internet history spied on?
Yeah, the last British detainee in Guatamino...
The last British detainee in Guatamano... How do you say it?
Released after 13 years chained up with a bag on his head.
Maybe with all their new powers
the government can finally scrape up some evidence against him.
Which government minister
has been accused of staggering hypocrisy this week?
-Well, which one hasn't?
No, this week, it's Chris Grayling.
He's been complaining about journalists using
the Freedom of Information Act to find out things.
Yeah, bloody journalists with their stories, eh?
Why was he particularly being hypocritical?
I was camping earlier in the week, I missed this story.
-Really? Was it nice?
-Where? In Wales?
Quite mild as well, for the time of year.
-Good, so that was a big story.
-I think it's too mild.
-I do. I don't like it.
-Has it thrown out your body clock?
-It really has, I'm menopausal...
..so it really doesn't help.
You just want a cold wind up ya at this time of life. You do.
Yes, according to the Sun...
Waterloo Bridge and the Thames are a simple walk away.
-You want me to jump?
Cold air. I don't want you to jump.
You could have gone...camping with her earlier in the week.
- That's a bit chilly... - You'd be very welcome.
-It was a shepherd's hut.
-But that's not camping if you're in a hut.
-No, you've rumbled me, it's glamping.
-Does that not count?
-No, does it fuck.
I wish I'd thought of that. I should have just gone camping,
and every question I'd have just gone, "Ah, well...
"I was up a mountain, wasn't I?"
Here's me reading papers and stuff, I'm an idiot.
Right, according to the Sun, Grayling was...
Actually, he was always keen to claim credit for...
I remember him doing a live interview once,
at a Tory conference, do you remember this?
He was... Something was put to him and he said,
"That is a terrible gimmick." And then they said,
"Oh, it's one of your policies."
And so now, what revealing document
from the early part of the 21st century
has come to light recently
through good old-fashioned leaking?
Don't know, I was up Ben Nevis.
Too much information.
Yes, the Mail On Sunday claimed that a senior figure
from Number Ten at the time has
revealed that an order was issued to...
Well, this was the Attorney General at the time.
Was this Goldsmith's advice?
And he said to, um, Tony Blair,
"This war is illegal. That's my considered opinion."
And Blair said, "Would you like to think again?...
"Or you're sacked."
I have no evidence for that...
But, then, they didn't have much evidence for anything anyway, so...
On the subject of Iraq, would you like to see a photo
of Sir John Chilcot at a bus stop?
Is he shoplifting the biggest roll of salami ever seen in Ealing?
Right, this is the government's snoopers' charter.
And if you sign the online petition against it, bad luck,
they know where you live.
Meanwhile, the last British resident held in Guantanamo...G...
Why can't I say it?
Just say, "Margate."
Meanwhile, the last British resident held in Guantanamo Bay
was released after 13 years held without charge.
According to his father...
Well, apart from those blokes who kept putting jump leads on him.
Right, Paul and Ross - here's one for you...
Yes, this is Nigella Lawson being protected from the weather.
This is avocado and a fork.
And that may be her putting it on toast. It may be...
Probably isn't her, cos I can tell that the desk there
is the same colour as the desk that I'm sitting at now.
So, I would suggest that item was filmed here
about 11:30 this morning.
Hang on... Nigella Lawson uses this very studio?
-At 11:30 in the morning.
-Is that right?
That's a special memory for everybody here,
cos of course you'll never see that on television.
Yeah, she's done a new show...
Nigella's Load Of Old Rope...
Next week, she's doing Pot Noodle...
and then she's doing...er...
Angel Delight... Is the...
The one after that, where she...
Bag of powder... And she just, er...
This is the public outrage
caused by Nigella Lawson making avocado on toast.
So, are those the hands of Nigella Lawson?
That would make a great game show.
-Bring Me The Hands Of Nigella Lawson?
What was Nigella's stroke of genius with the avocado?
-Did you see this?
And she licked them off her lips, didn't she?
Well done, Ian. It wasn't just a normal radish.
Oh, yeah. You don't want to make a terrible faux pas.
Oh, God! Is this dessert radish?
What's wrong with you, Nigella?
You've made a fool of yourself.
In the preparation of this dish on her TV show,
what did Nigella spend a lot of time doing?
She was probably pouting, was it? A bit of...
According to the Independent...
Why might this be some kind of clever digital media joke, though,
on Nigella's part?
Cos it's clearly not a recipe and she's taking the piss.
Digital because she's using her fingers?
APPLAUSE AND GROANING
They're doing it again, they're groaning and clapping!
Well, avocado is, according to several newspapers
including the Mirror and the Guardian...
That's the photo-sharing website for imbeciles.
So, Nigella could just be taking the piss.
What...? A photograph of an avocado is the most popular visual image?
Yeah, cos it's alphabetical, isn't it?
Yeah, but what about an anaconda? That's more interesting
-than an avocado.
-Not that nice on toast, though, is it?
It would struggle getting into the toaster.
-You have to get a baguette.
Now that would be an amazing...
Imagine if Nigella just came on...
and she had, like...
baguettes lined right up along her kitchen,
and then she enticed an anaconda...to lie along it...
and then killed it with her bare hands.
-Scooped out all its insides.
-Scooped it right out.
Licked the blood.
I'd watch it, I would watch it.
And then you'd see a shot of her bloody hands...
And you'd have to guess - "Are these Nigella's hands?"
What are newspaper fashion editors saying about the avocado?
"Oh, this is great, it will fill up three pages."
It's the fact that they are calling it the...
It's because it's last year - it's toast, basically.
The avocado is toast.
So, how did Guardian fashion journalist Jess Cartner-Morley
put the final nail in the avocado's coffin?
READS IN IMITATION POSH ACCENT
What, what, what?
-You mocked her speaking style.
-Oh, I did, yes.
But I also cut a word that I can't pronounce.
"Every other shade of green
"has had its day
"in the fashion-week sun -
"even school uniform bottle."
There you go.
Do you know how the avocado gets its name?
Yes, it's a cross between two plants called an avo and a cado.
It's an old Aztec word - aguacate,
which means "testicle".
-Shall we have a quick game of Avocado Or Testicle?
There may be certain medical complaints
that would confuse the issue.
Oh, go on, then, right.
Are those Nigella's hands?
-I can't believe we're going to play this.
-No, we're not.
We don't have to.
This is the BBC, for God's sake, not Channel 4.
-Quite swollen testicles though.
For heaven's sake.
Just cos on Channel 4 that's all you lot do.
My Big Fake Greek Testicles.
I've seen the stuff that surrounds your news programme.
It's all filth, all of it.
Can I just say, in the news programme we care about men's health.
That's how liberated we are.
Fruit or bollocks, you decide.
So, avocado or testicle?
Well, he's going to need antibiotics, definitely.
-We say avocado, if we must.
-Oh, God, that's not going to pull back, is it?
Please, God, avocado.
Here's another one.
Oh, dear me.
They look the same except smoother.
When did this show move to BBC Three?
In the last three minutes.
And finally, this one.
I've never seen a pair of testicles like any of those three.
Well, you want to get out more, don't you?
Yes, this is the backlash
against Nigella Lawson's avocado on toast recipe.
On the programme she said how much she liked the sound...
Avocado is Latin for barrel.
I don't know. All this fuss over an avocado!
That's why most people tune into Nigella -
to see a ripe, up-market "pear".
And so to round two - the Strengthometer of News.
Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.
OK, this is the story about the Prime Minister not wearing a poppy
in an old photo on Facebook.
So his staff said, "We'd better change it," and put a poppy on him.
And they put a great big one on him to show that he cared,
and it was a huge scandal because they'd faked it.
I'm not quite sure why it was a big deal.
Who was particularly disgusted by the faked photograph?
Erm, a poppy seller.
Piers Morgan. He tweeted both the before and after photos, saying...
Faked photos - imagine!
Cameron isn't the only person who had trouble adding a poppy
to their profile picture on social media.
Who else was causing poppy-based offence?
Don't know. Somebody else doing the same thing?
-It was actually Boris Johnson tribute act...
He tried to add a poppy to his Twitter profile picture
but things didn't go quite to plan.
He tweeted this picture instead.
Barbara Windsor made her feelings known on the poppy subject.
What did she have to say about it?
This is her on Sky News.
Babs, what would you say to those who don't want to wear a poppy?
Go sod off, for all I care.
She's not in a bubbly mood, is she?
Right, which SNP member was caught out on live television this week?
It was that woman who, she asked to restart the interview, didn't she?
And didn't realise it was a live interview
and it was all a bit embarrassing.
Yes, it was the SNP's Angela Constance.
-Shall we have a little look?
You have to remember that
in 20,012...sorry, 2012.
Sorry, would I be able to do that again?
-I just said 20,012...
-All right, 2012. Off you go.
We are live, by the way.
There was good news for Jeremy Corbyn fans this week.
What was that?
He's still there.
His calendar's come out in time for Christmas.
January, him in tweed.
February, tweed again.
The good news is there's going to be Jeremy Corbyn the musical.
According to writers Rupert Myers and Bobby Friedman it will be...
I think it sounds brilliant.
I know, I think I've gone off it now.
Finally, one other politician was being a bit creepy this week.
Who was that?
Just one of them...
I'll show you this one and you can buzz in when you know who it is.
I just thought it would be funny to buzz in at this point.
I have no idea who it is. Is it George Osborne?
Is it Boris Johnson, is it?
-Shall we keep it going?
That speed bump's going to slow them down.
-Cos he's got that hat.
-That's a good one - or Leonard Cohen.
-Shall we see?
-Is it Orson Welles, Tales of Mystery and Imagination?
Just an ordinary copper.
I'm running for Mayor of London, 2016.
If I'm the mayor it will be a greener London.
There will be a ban on trucks and heavy vehicles.
It is a bit Third Man -
Harry Lime walking across the fairground, isn't it?
Meanwhile, Neil Kinnock warned pacifist Jeremy Corbyn
that if the party opposes the renewal of Trident...
He'd know all about that then, wouldn't he?
I don't know why they keep describing Corbyn
as a pacifist, he isn't.
He disapproves of armed intervention by the West,
but he's very happy for other people to kill people.
Hamas, Hezbollah, the IRA.
I just thought I'd really go for the comedy now.
But he's not a pacifist. He's not a Quaker,
not somebody who doesn't believe in violence.
So, there we go.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
It's part of the relationship between China and Great Britain,
and this is a portrait of the Queen
made in porcelain that this Chinese artist
is unveiling for our pleasure.
Yes, this is the largest ever sculpture
made in Chinese white porcelain.
It's the Queen by artist Chen Dapeng.
Chen said of the Queen...
Let's have a look at the finished article.
Why's she trying to escape from an ice cream cornet?
Didn't she used to work for Jabba the Hutt?
Chen said this is meant to show her...
I think it looks like a baby from a fanny. That's what I think.
A royal baby born with a crown on its head.
That's how they can tell them.
He said the sculpture of the Queen is meant to show her...
In a headlock?
Come on, Your Majesty.
Well, Mark Hudson, the Telegraph art critic, wrote...
How did two men cheer up a Ryanair flight this week?
They were lookalikes.
They looked alike.
Do you want to see a picture? Neil Douglas and Robert Stirling
found themselves sitting next to each other on a flight to Ireland
where passengers noted a strange resemblance between the two.
Obviously on their way to a Brian Blessed convention, there.
Why might Robert and Neil's coincidence
-be more likely than we think?
Everyone's got six doppelgangers
seven, call it seven. Seven doppelgangers.
At least seven, you're right. Spot on.
I'll have that.
Which is a fact I didn't believe until I had another look
at Beyonce last week.
Commenting on the bust of the Queen, the Telegraph reported...
Anyway, China, good luck with building our nuclear power stations.
So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
Jeremy Hunt, there he is.
He's - by a bit of sort of sleight of hand -
he's saying that he's giving the junior doctors an 11% pay rise,
but he's increasing the hours that they work.
Yes, this is Jeremy Hunt's ongoing row over junior doctors' contracts.
What's particularly upsetting doctors?
That they think they're going to get a pay cut,
even though the Department of Health
says that 75% of them will get a pay rise
and nobody can really work out what the truth is.
We've tried quite hard, but Jeremy Hunt won't come on our programme.
Will he not?
Hunt's department leaked their contract offer to the press
late on Tuesday night.
And all the papers swallowed it.
The Guardian went with...
There was a very good letter in the Times about this a few weeks ago.
-Did anyone see it?
-Yes, but I've forgotten what it was by now.
Dr Anthony Cohn wrote...
Sticking with science-y stuff,
the Times featured a survey this week
that revealed some of the toughest questions posed by children
that parents are struggling to answer.
-So, can anyone answer any of these?
Ask your mother.
Same reason the Earth doesn't fall down.
This child is obviously very stupid.
We shouldn't be giving her airtime - him or her.
And another question is...
-By a man who made it.
-These are very easy.
-Or a woman.
If the child had said, "Is a brick wall woman-made?"
I'd go, "Yes, by a woman."
Bu that said man-made
so that's why I said, "By a man."
I wasn't being sexist.
I was just answering the child's question.
What you've done is complicate it.
Typical of a woman.
I'm joking, I'm joking.
I am joking. That is a joke.
Are there any other questions from this child?
"Is a brick wall man-made?" Because that is incredibly thick.
You've really got a downer on these kids, haven't you?
What sort of kid looks at a brick wall and says, "Is that man-made?"
No, it was put there by Jesus.
One of the other questions was...
"Yes, they do.
"They're just as stupid as you are.
"We're taking you back to the orphanage. You're no good!"
Right, this is the ongoing row
between Jeremy Hunt and junior doctors.
Jeremy Hunt is currently in the middle of a major A & E crisis,
which, as everyone knows, stands for "arse" and "elbow".
This week, it was also revealed that just 26 MPs
have given their recent £7,000 pay rise to charity.
Even worse, half of them gave it to Kids Company.
Time now for the Odd One Out Round. One between you this week.
Your four are...
A Co-op in Whaley Bridge,
Jekyll and Hyde,
Danny Dyer's house
Jekyll & Hyde, ITV's new show, has been going out before the watershed,
but there's been some scary bits in it
and people have been complaining about that,
so it's about being scared by something.
Cats... People have been phoning the police
because they've been scared of cats behaving in different ways.
Since Egyptian times, cats have been a certain way,
but now they've got onto the internet, essentially.
And Danny Dyer...
-He's scared of ghosts.
-He's scared of ghosts.
-So he has a haunted house, maybe.
-Is that true?
Well, no. Because ghosts aren't real.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
The Co-op is the most haunted convenience store in Britain.
Jekyll & Hyde is the odd one out,
because it's scary but is not haunted.
No, they are all too scary, apart from cats,
which we probably should be more scared of.
This is according to a new study carried out this week
by the University of Edinburgh.
So why should we be more scared of cats than we actually are?
They were neurotic?
Mm. Researches found that your domestic cat
shares many traits of aggression and neurotic behaviour
with its larger cousins, such as lions and wild cats.
Yeah, because sometimes, the really, really evil cats,
they'll sit there stroking a small man.
How did Danny sum up his experience in the new-build haunted house?
DANNY DYER IMPRESSION: Them willies went right up me.
Yes, typically eloquent, he said...
Apparently Danny's wife Joanne
has also seen and been touched by a ghost.
Let me guess, did he walk into the bedroom
and there was a figure under a sheet next to her.
"What's going on here?"
And it want, "Ooooh."
DANNY DYER IMPERSONATION: That's a right ghost, that is.
The consequence of this for Joanne is that...
Danny Dyer moved out of his Essex home
after believing it was haunted by a ghost.
Most actors believe in life after death, Danny.
It's called panto.
Yeah, and 800 people have complained about ITV's Jekyll & Hyde
because it's too scary to be shown before the watershed.
The watershed is there for a reason.
By 9pm, when Mum and Dad are watching grown-up telly,
kids should be upstairs, jimjams on,
shooting a prostitute in Grand Theft Auto.
The Co-op in Whaley Bridge, Derbyshire,
is apparently so haunted
it was forced to close 90 minutes early on Halloween...
Who wants to see some evidence of the ghostly goings-on?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
-Well, that's convinced me.
Oh, look at that. Look!
Any minute now, another ghost is going to come down the aisle
and slip on them.
Also this week a shop owner in Hampshire was forced by police
to censor a gory Halloween window display.
-Shall we have a look at the scene?
Was it a family butchers?
Local Marion Wood said...
EastEnders hardman Danny Dyer
recently moved out of his new-build property
because he believed it was haunted.
Can anyone tell me why Danny was scared?
He said there was...
"That spook, it was taking a right liberty!"
And he kept on hearing a...
from his 19-year-old daughter's bedroom.
As well as the knocking, Danny also heard someone shouting her name,
which his daughter has blamed on the ghost.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right, time now for the Missing Words Round,
which this week features as its guest publication Dots & Dashes,
the official publication of the Morse Code Telegraph Club.
They've really tapped into something!
And we start with...
Men dressed as traffic cones
get drunk student's head up their arse.
Disrupt the traffic?
Here they are...
It's the Ku Klux Klan!
You might wonder why on earth a bunch of men
should want to dress up as traffic cones.
Well, it's just a small diversion!
Recently the victim of robbery by a woman called Dot, who dashed.
Outrageous phone hacking?
This is from Dots & Dashes.
The cyberattack meant that the Morse Code Club
have had to revamp their web page, which is now at...
dash dash dash dash dot dash dot.com.
To check I'm alive?
No, to see if he's black or not.
That's it exactly.
Yes, this was revealed by Sir Tom Jones this week
in an interview with the Times.
Meanwhile will.i.am is having a DNA test
to check if his ancestors were musical.
Fed up of squirrels?
-Has a sex change.
That's close enough.
The Fortingall Yew in Perthshire
is a male tree but it has recently started sprouting berries.
Something only female yew trees do.
According to the Guardian, the tree is thought to be...
Although now it's a female, it's claiming to be 4,000.
Why are they confused by that?
Well, what's she doing there? Is it her house?
Why has she got no clothes? What is she doing on the roof?
Or you've paid a fellow to put a new satellite dish up...
Ah, naked woman.
You might have paid a woman to put a satellite dish up.
Had to be said.
That's true but they're too busy
doing important jobs like lawyers and doctors and they don't piss about
with stuff like that.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
East London workers were left baffled this week
after a woman was spotted sitting on a rooftop
in the nude for four hours.
Here she is on the roof...
Densely thatched. Well, well...
Well, can I just point out she's not wearing a poppy,
which is pretty disgusting.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
She perched naked on the roof with her legs astride.
Obviously, there were a few whistles.
Well, it was windy up there.
And so, the final scores are...
Ian and Cathy have seven points.
-But this week's winners are Paul and Ross with eight.
Well done. That was good.
But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
We'll be needing this spirit level in a minute, love.
CATHY: It's a press conference, isn't it?
Because he's got a press thing in his hat, hasn't he?
Oh, yeah, Chilcot finally delivers!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And I leave you with news that, at the Vatican Synod,
there are suspicions that four out of five members
may be smuggling in cakes.
There's embarrassment as a royal is photographed
with a '70s children's entertainer
shortly before his arrest for inappropriate touching.
And just as he convinces the Labour conference
that he's a safe pair of hands,
Jeremy Corbyn drops his falafel wrap.