Episode 8 Have I Got News for You

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Dominic West.

In the news this week, at 11 Downing Street on the day of the Pre-Budget Report,

there's a rare TV appearance for Alistair Darling's cat.

LAUGHTER

At a euthanasia clinic in Switzerland,

a new piece of equipment is introduced to lighten the mood.

And after baffling British doctors with his incurable disease, a man

who just can't stop talking heads abroad for specialist treatment.

NO SOUND

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

On Ian Hislop's team, an American comedian who once starred in his own one-man show

called Pride, Prejudice and Niggas - based on Jane Austen's slightly less successful sequel -

please welcome Reginald D Hunter.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

With Paul Merton tonight is the Top Gear presenter

who recently built a full-sized Airfix model Spitfire for the BBC

which is now doing sterling service for the RAF out in Afghanistan.

-Please welcome James May!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Reg, what's this about?

The Chancellor looking to see where the money's gone.

Away with the fairies.

That's the next government.

-There they are - the Cabinet!

-LAUGHTER

-George.

-Discussing having a meeting eventually one day about some stuff.

And that's the previous Cabinet.

That's poor children and I think before that, it was rich children.

It's this week's Pre-Budget Report, which in my house we've talked of little else this week, of course.

It's incredibly depressing. It means more tax for everybody,

above every income level, and huge spending cuts

because we're in debt to the scale of Zimbabwe plus Weimar Germany.

-LAUGHTER

-What did he decide to do to the bankers in the end, Darling?

LAUGHTER

Very little, sweetie!

Having said they were going to have this swingeing tax,

they're having a one-off, 50% premium on anyone over 25,000.

So, yeah, it's punishment, but it's not going to raise that much money and it's only once.

-It's not all bad news, though.

-Yes, it is.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If you could find one bit of good news...

What will you do? What's the forfeit?

I will lend you the entire reserves of this country.

-What's the good news?

-He's introduced a boiler scrappage scheme.

That'll rectify the debt. What's that worth?

25 trillion quid?

I don't know, but they're going to get rid of old boilers.

-So, bad news for Margaret Beckett.

-LAUGHTER

Because she's just had a new Potterton installed!

David Cameron spoke to a gathering of top financiers this week. Do you know what he had to say to them?

Did he say, "Don't worry about this tax, we've given you all this money

"but you only have to give half of it back"?

Is that how it works? I may have made a complete arse of myself there!

-That's how it works, yeah.

-I think that's right.

It was meant to be a joke! I wasn't being serious.

It was the original human observation angle,

the joke fell to bits, so we're like, "Oh, that's interesting, yes."

Then nobody realised it was meant to be a joke apart from this conversation we've just had!

I would like to apologise to any bankers upset by those observations.

Remember, your mood may go up as well as down.

APPLAUSE

Would you like to see how Newsnight handled the run-up to the Pre-Budget Report this week?

Yeah.

-PRESENTER:

-So who will raise an eyebrow tomorrow

as the Chancellor tries to balance the books?

Like the mating dance of the Great African Caterpillar.

Which war broke out between the main parties again this week?

-The class war.

-The class war, yes. What did Gordon Brown accuse Cameron of having?

-His financial policies have been dreamt up on the playing fields of Eton.

-That's right.

That was his joke. Apparently, he got Alastair Campbell back purely to come up with jokes of that calibre.

I suppose you couldn't really be dreaming of tax policies

on the playing fields of a comprehensive school

because the Tories sold them all off before the last election.

There aren't any playing fields.

There's the computer lab.

Where you can do Wii Playing Fields.

Come on, kids, PE!

APPLAUSE

Alastair Campbell also joined in on his blog this week.

-Does anyone see what he said?

-No!

He wrote...

-LAUGHTER

-You're bad at feigning enthusiasm.

Nothing like the blogosphere. I wonder what they've said out there!

I expect it won't be mad and mention Hitler very quickly!

He said:

You can see their point, really, can't you?

James, which school did you go to? Was it a girls' school?

It had girls in it which made me turn out as well as I did, yes.

It was a modern comprehensive, yes.

We were the oiks. We didn't have any shoes.

We didn't have feet!

It's much better than America where they don't have this silly class nonsense.

Britain has a maturity that America doesn't have yet.

America's still impressed with religion in a way that Britain's gotten over a little bit.

Right now, we've got a class and a half.

It's going to take us another hundred years to get three classes.

So, yeah, it's a little different there.

I thought they relied on good old-fashioned racism.

If a class system is what you use to discriminate against people

who look like you, that's an advanced form of racism.

Britain has racism, it's just not very good at it.

Y'all give it a go, but...!

I mean, you know, like ginger-haired people.

That ain't even a race, and, you know...

Y'all lay into them like... LAUGHTER

What evidence has been called into question a lot this week?

-Is this the evidence of climate change?

-Yes.

The debate on that is over now.

There were two sides to it but now Sarah Palin has joined the debate.

And she says that global warming is a sham.

So it obviously is.

She's from Alaska, and it's cold there.

Probably why she hasn't noticed global warming!

So that's it, it's all over.

Yeah, but the 35,000 delegates in Copenhagen seem pretty convinced by it.

Well, they should listen to a proper scientist like Sarah Palin.

She's been studying climate change all morning.

The whole thing's been made up... deliberately.

By polar bears.

They're up to no good, trying to get free passage south, so they're saying, "Ooh, the ice has gone,"

so they can come and live here. It's all in the Daily Mail!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What's the Top Gear views on that, James?

Personally I'm with Sarah Palin in that I, too, don't have a bastard clue what I'm talking about.

-I don't care, actually.

-You don't care about the planet at all?

-Not very much.

Hanging around with Clarkson has really rubbed off on you!

-AS JEREMY CLARKSON:

-"All I want to do is drive fast!"

That's the confusing thing because you hear compelling opinions

made to sound like evidence on both sides.

So, I didn't know which way to go.

I took some ice-cubes and left them outside for a little while.

I'm going to have to get my own data.

After a few hours, they had melted, but not completely.

So my research is inconclusive on this one.

LAUGHTER

I did a similar experiment because I keep being told by people who have read the Guardian that morning

that if the ice caps melt that means there'll be more water in the sea and East Anglia,

which is coincidentally where a lot of this data is coming from, will end up under water.

I put two ice-cubes in a gin and tonic and waited for them to melt, but it didn't get any higher.

REG: Will you send your data over to me later?

You've take Reg's work on a little bit further

because you've added gin and tonic to the ice cube method here.

That's very interesting. You're standing on the shoulders of giants.

Exactly. Look at him.

Heinrich Hertz, he merely identified the electromagnetic wave

and then it was other people who... REG: I was about to say that shit!

But there are real scientists working.

It's not just people on the Guardian, is it, James really?

There are people in universities and research centres who think that the climate is...

Before you go any further, what research have YOU done?

Reg and I haven't done much, but it is a start.

We all do what we can.

This is Alistair Darling's Pre-Budget Report which included a supertax on bankers' bonuses.

Warning of an exodus of bankers, Stuart Fraser, head of policy at the City of London Corporation said:

It's a perfect analogy, assuming the footballers in question

have each scored a hat trick of own goals,

got their team relegated and caused the entire stadium to collapse.

APPLAUSE

Britain's credit rating is one of Alistair Darling's major concerns. According to the Times:

Which means you look at the size of the debt and go "Aaa!"

Also this week, world leaders have been gathering in Copenhagen for the Climate Change Summit.

Among those leading the protest march was Michael Fish, who warned if we do do nothing:

Well, if that's what Michael Fish is forecasting, we can all relax.

Paul and James, here's yours.

This is the roundabout in Swindon.

And this is Disneyland.

The two places are magical worlds.

You can't tell which one's which. That's Disneyland.

-No, that's Swindon.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah. No.

-That's Swindon.

What's he doing to the invisible woman?

Disneyland and Swindon are twinned together for a year.

There was a local resident of Swindon, there was a competition,

"tell Disneyland why your town should be twinned with Disneyland."

She wrote something along the lines of, "The roundabout system

"is such that it resembles the teacup ride you have in Disneyland, when you're going and round."

And "My husband's short and my name's Snow White." Something like that?

It's exactly right. She's called Rebecca Warren. What did she win?

A plaque in Disneyland that says "We're twinned with Swindon."

And she flies to unveil it. According to the Daily Mail:

So, book early to ensure disappointment.

What did you think might have been the key to Swindon's victory?

Being one of very few entrants?

According to the Guardian, the judges made their decision

in favour of the town "without visiting".

According to the Telegraph, Swindon's cultural highlight

was that it was "used as a backdrop to a 1994 Benylin commercial".

Who was quick to turn the announcement to political advantage?

-MP for Swindon.

-Yes. South Swindon.

Did he claim the entire Magic Kingdom as a second home?

She said:

-Amazing.

-What did we learn from a Disney historian recently

about Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs?

-That it wasn't true.

-No, that it was going to be Snow White And The Nine Dwarfs.

The final seven were chosen from a short list of 50.

-Very short list!

-AUDIENCE GROAN

There were two who only just failed to make it.

-Does anyone know what they might have been called?

-Rather unusual names...

Brainy or Slouchy or something like that.

Contagious? Something like that. Itchy.

It was Jumpy and Baldy.

-Can you name any of the other possible dwarfs?

-Scabby.

-Scabby?!

-Loony.

-Funky.

Junkie, he would have been...

A friend of Dopey!

Other names considered were:

Shorty is one of the more desperate ones.

There's seven dwarfs.

How much more growth restricted is this bloke, that he's Shorty?

This is the news that the magic world of Disney has been twinned with the tragic world of Swindon.

According to the Telegraph, when it comes to entertainment, Disneyworld boasts:

Swindon offers:

Even worse, she wakes up.

It wasn't just Swindon celebrating this week -

there was good news for the town of Douglas on the Isle of Man

after it was left £11,000 in the will of Mr Douglas

on the grounds that it shared his name.

What a marvellous generous gesture, hinted the mayor of the village of Hislop.

So to round two. Some viewers may know that I was in an American cop show.

-What was it called?

-The Wire.

Oh right! I must look out for it.

-It's not on any more.

-Oh.

In honour of cop shows, this round features the Squad Car of News.

-The Squad Car of News.

-ALARM BELL RINGS

BUZZER

There was a story I saw that on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Into It, Get Me Out Of It,

I won't wear this, who's that, kiss my aunt, whatever it's called.

They were starving far away from the nearest camera crew

and they found that in order to eat something they ate a rat

and this caused a great deal of trouble at the RSPCA

because the rat was a Vice-President of the local branch

and despite trying to get away in the car he caught up with it and ate it.

-Who were the two contestants?

-There you've got me, you see, which is an ironic reflection

on I'm A Celebrity, as I don't know who either of them are.

What sort of punishment could the two celebrities be looking at?

-Is it the death penalty?

-Or another series of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.

Whichever is the sooner.

Perhaps they should be killed on the programme.

I'm A Fatality.

I'm A Fatality, Cut Me Down.

-Three years in jail.

-Three years in jail?!

-Yep.

Di Campo, the Italian chef was:

So easily they go from that to eating rats. It's a gateway crime.

In other rodent news, does anyone know what this is?

-Is it Go Go Hamster?

-That's it.

It's battery powered and it runs around on the floor.

If you stroke it, it makes a noise.

It's also poisonous.

-Yeah.

-Deliberately?!

A must-have toy!

Slightly more dangerous than a real hamster.

JAMES: It is, because you can suck a real hamster quite safely but this has got...

LAUGHTER This has got arsenic.

They'll learn to love you for it. Do it gently. Introduce it. Don't go straight in.

Start with an ear.

The Go Go Hamster has arsenic on it.

-That's it.

-Or antimony, which is very closely related to arsenic.

There's more than the accepted proportion of it

in the composition of its fur and its nose or eyeball or something.

If your children stick it in their mouths they at least go mad.

I know, I've sucked one.

So you don't have to!

Well, dizziness and headaches from Mr Squiggles' skin.

The makers are claiming that it's perfectly safe.

They are, they've denied all accusations.

Why has this toy mouse been in the news?

Because it resembles an elephant.

No, it's not. It's been recalled by its distributors

after a mother complained that instead of singing Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

it appeared to be warbling, "Paedophile, paedophile."

A rousing chorus in a minute.

# Paedophile, paedophile paedo all the way!

# Oh, what fun it... # No.

Why has Nonja the orang-utan become an internet star?

He's doing something hysterical in captivity.

Nonja's a she. She's been given a digital camera

and the photographs are posted on her Facebook page.

Is it her and her mates pissed?

Not bad!

-Another one.

-She's not a wedding photographer, is she?

This is a new low for this programme.

Photographs taken by an orang-utan.

Have we run out of Prescott gags or something?

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's another one for you.

BUZZER

It's simple, I think. The Queen has issued a statement during the week

saying she doesn't want the paparazzi hanging around

during the Christmas holidays and that sort of stuff.

She doesn't want unflattering pictures

of the Royal Family as they go about their business.

Perfectly legitimate business of sucking hamsters.

Why's the Queen taken a tough stance against the paparazzi?

She must be worried, she knows the car in front's being driven by a rat.

There were other photos of the Queen too a while ago. Anyone remember what she was doing?

The Coronation, 1953?

She was made Queen, it was in all the papers.

She was twisting a pheasant's neck.

Misplaced H!

I was going to make a similar joke but a different way.

-After you.

-No, man, you are on fire.

Despite not wanting to be photographed, the Queen has been

highly visible somewhere else this week. Do you know where it is?

Stamps.

-LAUGHTER

-And money as well.

Has she been to the theatre lately?

Yes, she has. It was the Royal Variety Performance.

She had to sit through an evening of acts such as:

And people say the Queen doesn't earn her money.

The winner of Britain's Got Talent, that's the point of that show, isn't it?

They become Queen?

-She won?

-I've never seen the end.

-She won in 1953.

-She won in 1953.

Britain's Got Talent. She played the spoons.

What will the Queen be forced to do every time she leaves the country?

-Abdicate.

-Take her passport with her?

Yes. She has to have her identity checked, according to The Mail,

because at new border controls she will be compelled to:

If I was the Queen, I'd go out of my way not to have any ID with me.

I wouldn't have no ID, I wouldn't have the crown or nothing.

I would talk in a different voice.

I would turn up and I'd go, "I'm the Queen, bitch, let me in."

This is the plea for privacy from the Queen.

According to the Sunday Telegraph:

Others thank them.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

This week also saw the Royal Variety Performance.

In keeping with tradition, the Queen met the performers after the show.

Although when Her Majesty heard the words, "And this is Lady Gaga,"

for one horrible moment she thought it was that mad aunt she'd had bricked up 50 years ago.

Lady Gaga was formerly known as Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta,

a fact which proved the perfect ice-breaker for Prince Philip

as he'd once shot a German otter on holiday in Bavaria.

Time for missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication the Wire magazine.

Sorry, it's the Cheese Wire Magazine.

"News for cheese lovers". We start with:

All people that on earth do dwell.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You said that like a man who'd been waiting to say that for years.

The answer is:

This is the story that after 50 years, the MoD has closed down its UFO investigation unit.

The MOD says it's received thousands of reports over the years

but none revealed evidence of a potential threat to the UK.

If only we'd had those UFO guys working on the WMD.

Next:

Hitting a cow's arse with a banjo.

It's not as easy as you think.

-The plougman's lunch.

-The science?

This is from The Cheese Wire.

The ploughman's lunch is based on the tradition snack of the average worker on the British farm.

Which of course these days is borscht and vodka.

Next:

Berlusconi not going to confession.

Is it the devil goes on holiday?

The answer is:

According to Vatican officials, starting two hours earlier

will allow the Pope time to rest before Christmas Day.

He can get a little overexcited and wake up very early.

Next:

It's mine.

Too much information.

It's nearly always goat's cheese. Next:

Safety.

SINGLE LAUGH

Thank you, Madam.

Please don't laugh on your own, I know you've just thought of a joke that occurred to you some time ago.

It seems odd if you're the only one laughing.

It makes people think I'm working you with my foot.

The answer is:

REG: I was going to say that next.

This is after a 45 year-old dressed as an elf whispered, "I'm carrying dynamite"

into the ear of Santa.

The shopping mall was quickly evacuated -

not as quickly as Santa's bowels. Next:

Phwoarr! Ha ha ha!

Your Majesty.

No, apparently, it's sexist to say:

This is a Liberal Democrat councillor who has been branded sexist

for likening a female colleague to a trifle.

Is she full of sherry?

Hundreds and thousands have been sprinkled... Forget that.

So, the final scores.

Ian and Reg have three points, but Paul and James have four points.

And I leave you with news that, in central London, disaster strikes

for one internet user as his browsing history pops up on the screen.

Outside a theatre in Brixton there are suspicions that Girls Aloud

may have made a slight faux pas with their choice of costume.

And, in Basra, everyone manages to keep a straight face

as the goat turd vol au vent finally finds its target.

Thank you, good night.

True story. A woman came up to me in the supermarket on Friday

and says, "I know your face, you're Ian Hislop."

I said, "No, but I'm his brother." She said, "You look just like him."

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