Episode 6 Have I Got News for You

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Martin Clunes. In the news this week, on his way to 11 Downing Street,

Britain's new Chancellor of the Exchequer demonstrates a worrying problem with numbers.

After losing his seat, the night gets worse for Labour's defeated Health and Safety Minister.

Thank you.

And at his first cabinet meeting after sitting in a trance for 20 minutes,

David Cameron shocks ministers as he announces the new position of President for Life.

INAUDIBLE

On Ian's team is a journalist for the Express who recently appeared on BBC2's The Bubble,

for which she spent three days without access to TV, internet or newspapers.

Pretty much like being a journalist in the Express offices.

Please welcome Julia Hartley-Brewer.

APPLAUSE

On Paul's team is a writer, stand-up comedian and actor who says

the most important advice is never to drink before you go on stage.

Tosser!

Please welcome Chris Addison.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the big story of the week. Look at this.

JULIA: Tory dream team.

CHRIS: Or terrible remake of Reservoir Dogs.

JULIA: They're being arrested.

CHRIS: There's a purple party. It must be another country.

JULIA: That's the Browns with the Miliband brothers.

-LAUGHTER

-And there's another Miliband brother in there.

JULIA: And a quick grope of the boob!

This is very good news. It's the first gay couple to run Britain.

-LAUGHTER

-I'm very excited by this.

-Did you see that press conference?

-Yeah.

-Where he said, "I am what I am

"and what I am needs no excuses."

It could be a very exciting day for politics.

Where there is darkness, we'll bring light.

Where there is heat, we'll bring cold.

Where there's hope, we'll bring despair...

LAUGHTER What I love is David Cameron's been so statesmanlike through this.

This big coalition, and it was all looking so good and he sees the Queen

and then turns up on Downing Street, stands on the steps with his wife and gropes her boob...

He's just won an election...kind of.

That's why he only went for the one boob.

If he'd got a majority, he'd have gone...

-True.

-What embarrassing question was David Cameron asked at his joint press conference?

Oh, this was genius!

Prime Minister, do you now regret when asked what your favourite joke was, you replied, "Nick Clegg."

And Deputy Prime Minister, what do you think of that?

We're all going to have... I'm afraid I did say that.

LAUGHTER

Oh, genius.

At least he said it was his favourite joke.

I hear journalists are quite keen to prise these two apart and show the differences between them, Julia.

There's quite a lot of differences, or they'd be in the same party.

But that's how coalitions work. I don't understand why journalists can't see what a coalition is.

"Those two people aren't in the same party. How can they be in a coalition?"

It wouldn't be a coalition if they were in the same party, you thick bunch of bastards.

LAUGHTER

I'm all for this coalition. I like that it neutralises the loonies on both wings.

It looks quite good so far. I'm sure you've all read the agreement.

LAUGHTER

It's only 12 pages, come on!

No ID cards.

Changes on tax.

Let's have a referendum now.

LAUGHTER

Day one, what do you think? Pretty good?

Just me then.

LAUGHTER

And how did The Sun cover this in a measured and balanced way?

Did they say "YES!"?

-Did they put a half-naked woman on page three?

-Yes.

-Nicola, 27, from Peterborough...

-Shows her party rosettes!

LAUGHTER

Here's how they announced the coalition,

first, Mr Cameron's bit.

There you go.

And here's Nick's bit.

There you go.

LAUGHTER

Big jobs.

-Who's going to get them? Yes.

-Vince Cable's in there.

Theresa May is Home Secretary, which is typical Tories, giving a woman a secretarial post.

LAUGHTER

George Osborne being the Chancellor, I reckon I'm OK on that,

my tax bill will not be going up,

because 20 years ago, I bought George Osborne in a slave auction.

LAUGHTER

And, George, if you're watching, if you raise my taxes I will tell everyone what I made you do.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

William Hague is now the Foreign Secretary, although he does seem to have changed his image somewhat.

LAUGHTER

JULIA: Oh, he dreams of having that much hair!

That was the key demand of the Lib Dems.

-That he dress like that.

-Exactly. He's got sandals on under there.

The Tories have agreed to have a referendum on the subject of electoral reform.

Did anyone see how John Prescott dealt with that issue earlier this week?

WOMAN PROTESTS LOUDLY If you put together the numbers between Labour,

the Liberal Democrats and any others that come into a coalition deal,

it would only just get you...

Can you keep your mouth shut for a moment, love?

LAUGHTER

"Love."

When they interviewed her she said, "At least he didn't punch me."

As the various negotiating teams scuttled backwards and forwards to come up with a solution,

what headlines did the papers go for?

"We don't know what's happening."

"We haven't a clue."

"Let's leave them to sort it out and then report the news afterwards."

Here's The Times. They went with -

Telegraph opted for -

And the Daily Star got to the point with -

I think it's ridiculous, Clegg was going between the two of them, trying to get a bit more and a bit more.

Isn't that what...I don't understand why journalists find this so hard to understand!

"What was Nick Clegg doing? How dare he try to secure the best possible deal for his party?"

What is wrong with you people?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Inane question after inane question!

Cos he's saying it's all about the country...

Of course he is! You people would be right up his jacksy if he didn't!

If he said, "This is about politics and this is how politics works, you bunch of four-year-olds."

LAUGHTER

Also, according to The Sun, David Blunkett didn't help by saying -

Got him on his special subject, there.

A week of high drama, historic developments and cliched journalism.

And as feelings ran high, did anyone see the massive embarrassment on Sky News?

Or Adam Boulton, as he's called.

LAUGHTER

Let's look at this interview beside Alastair Campbell

when Labour were trying to reach an agreement with the Lib Dems.

Adam, you're obviously upset that David Cameron's not Prime Minister...

-I'm not upset!

-You are.

Don't keep casting aspersions on what I think!

-Calm down!

-I am commenting, don't keep saying what I think!

This is live on television.

-Don't keep telling me what I think!

-Dignity, dignity.

This is what you do. No-one won the election.

You talk to me, I'm fed up with you telling me what I think.

I don't care what you're fed up with.

You can say what you like. I can tell you my opinion...

Don't tell me what I think.

-I will tell you why I think you're reacting...

-Alastair, you're being...

-You, totally unelected, have plotted this...

-Me?

-Yeah!

-What, and you're elected, are you?

-You're here speaking about him...

Maybe that's because the ministers have a cabinet meeting!

He's got a party, you cocked it up...

-Gentlemen, let...

-You're the one who's cocked it up.

-Let this...

-Unbelievable.

Let this debate carry on later.

-THEY ARGUE IN THE BACKGROUND

-Let's just remind you what Gordon Brown said a few minutes ago

that seems to have led to this debate.

This is Gordon Brown's statement.

APPLAUSE

Ofcom are investigating over 300 complaints about that.

All from Adam Boulton!

That's amazing. 300 people watch Sky!

That's phenomenal!

-Alastair does bring that out in you though.

-It's a gift. He's good at it.

Fancy arguing with Alastair Campbell

and you ending up being the one who goes mad and looks like a lunatic.

That is traditionally Campbell's job.

He's also suggesting that Sky is biased.

What's new? He used to say the BBC was biased and then went bonkers and tried to close it down.

This is what Alastair does.

Or did.

Oh, no. Does.

With any luck we're not going to see him any more.

Bye-bye, Alastair. Bye-bye, Mandy.

They're hosting the show next week, haven't you heard?

As you say, Gordon Brown has gone,

and as a special treat let's do our caption competition nice and early.

Brown and the Queen.

She's saying, "About bloody time! I've not been able to nip out

"for milk since last Thursday. I'm gasping!"

Is she saying, "I'm sorry but Prince Charles

"thinks he is a lampshade at the moment"?

And what about this?

"Bloody hell, you've regenerated!"

I think she's saying, "BZZZ, gotcha!"

We've actually made our own tribute to Gordon,

and to use the well-known phrase, let's take a look at his best bits.

Thank you and goodbye.

APPLAUSE

Gordon Brown has gone, he's done the decent thing.

-He's not done the decent thing.

-He's stepped aside.

-Not immediately.

The decent thing would have been on Friday morning.

We don't talk about barnacles stepping aside

when you chip them off.

What was he supposed to do? Constitutionally he was the Prime Minister -

it was his job to stay on until another government could be formed.

He was going to stay until October.

You don't understand how the country works!

JULIA: No.

Threatening to leave your party in six months and saying,

I will sort out the deal so I will hang on that long, is not constitutional.

That is an attempt to cling on to power. That is Mr Barnacle doing what he does.

It's no good saying, I hate journalists because they're critical of this particular thing,

-that's cobblers...

-I hate journalists, full stop...

..the chance to form a party!

He was very nice to me in the dressing room.

That's the Chrissy Special!

When he finally resigned, I think for the first time he looked genuinely happy.

And for me that was the first time he'd reflected the public mood.

He has done the decent thing, he's stepped aside,

so it's time for a more thoughtful reflection on the high points of his career.

INAUDIBLE

Oh!

INAUDIBLE

INAUDIBLE

Time now for a quick-fire Gordon Brown round.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

There have been allegations that Gordon can be quite bad-tempered.

What technique did his aides develop to give him bad news?

-BELL RINGS

-They ran out the door first.

Was it for a friendly psychic?

At a seance?

Is there somebody here with a £160 billion deficit?

They developed a technique called the news sandwich.

Where they'd start off by...

Then they would...

Also a technique that the Queen was exposed to this week -

"Gordon Brown's quitting, he's on his way to see you, he'll be gone soon."

How did Gordon Brown take responsibility for the Damian McBride smear scandal?

BELL RINGS

-He said, "I take responsibility, I'll find out who it is and sack them."

-Let's see.

I take full responsibility, that's why the person who's responsible went immediately.

One of the smears involved a photo of George Osborne allegedly wearing stockings and suspenders.

In the recent negations the Lib Dems dropped their demands to get rid of Trident

in return for seeing that photo.

-Who would want to see that photo?!

-You bought him as a slave!

-Yeah!

LAUGHTER

Where and when was this picture taken?

Was it at the coalition talks? LAUGHTER

Afghanistan.

-Yes, Little Heathrow in Afghanistan.

-CHRIS: Little Heathrow?

So there is a third runway! LAUGHTER

-That's been taken off.

-What, they're not going to build the third runway?

-No. The third runway's been dumped.

-My arse.

-LAUGHTER

-Is that where they have the site?

There's too many rich people getting rich out of that.

They won't stop that.

Oh, such cynicism is a thing of the past, Martin.

Yeah, these are the new politics.

-You don't tell him off, do you?!

-Says the editor of Private Eye!

-He's not a journalist.

He, like me, is just an ill-informed bystander.

LAUGHTER

Barely literate.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And here he is in Afghanistan trying to shake someone's hand.

HE SPEAKS RAPIDLY IN OWN LANGUAGE

LAUGHTER

-Foreigners. Don't you hate them?

-LAUGHTER

Here's a similar moment outside Number 10.

LAUGHTER JULIA: Oooh!

Oooh!

Do you think he was telling him off? He was going, "You shouldn't have shaken his hand. Don't shake mine!"

This is an historic week in which all of that stuff we've just been talking about has happened.

-Oh...

-LAUGHTER

Mirror journalist, Jason Beattie, wrote...

For ever, dickhead.

The next one will be the 54th.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Earlier in the election campaign, the Daily Mail slurred Nick Clegg

by suggesting he was sympathetic to the Nazis.

A headline which, in the end,

made the coalition easier to sell to some of the dyed-in-the-wool Tories.

LAUGHTER

David Cameron kicked off negotiations with the Lib Dems by making them an offer he called...

First time he's used the word, "Comprehensive",

without adding the word, "Oik".

LAUGHTER

At this key moment in British politics, a lot of attention's being paid to the smaller parties.

But let's not forget the smallest party of all -

Gordon's farewell drinks.

GROANING

-Shut up.

-LAUGHTER

So, at the end of that round, it's Ian and Julia with four big points,

-and Paul and Chris have four big points.

-Four big points as well, that's pretty good.

APPLAUSE

And so to round two, the one-armed bandit of news.

Mmmm, fingers on your buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.

BUZZER

Fayed.

Mohamed Al Fayed. He's the owner of Harrods and he sold it

to the Qatari royal family for one and a half billion pounds.

So from now on, Harrods is going to be completely different.

LAUGHTER

-He's dressed up as a pharaoh there.

-Pharaohs were well known for wearing lounge suits.

They did. This particular one -

Tooting Common.

LAUGHTER

You've got to admire the ego. I went up to introduce myself to him once as a journalist and he went,

"Ah, yes, yes," grabbed my pad of paper

and gave me his autograph and handed it back to me.

What do we know about the new owner,

Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa bin Hamad Abdullah bin Jassim bin Muhammad Al Thani?

-He's from Galway.

-LAUGHTER

He's the head of the Qatari royal family who bought Al Fayed's shop.

He has 27 children from three wives,

and 15 years ago, he deposed his father, who was on holiday in Switzerland at the time.

-He sounds nice, doesn't he?

-LAUGHTER

Mohamed Al Fayed's always been a lot of fun.

What did we learn his favourite trick was?

Does he jump out of a cupboard shouting at people?

According to the Mail On Sunday, he likes to offer people Smints

and tell them that they're Viagra.

LAUGHTER

-Not a soft mint, then.

-LAUGHTER AND GROANING

See what I've done there? Yes.

He doesn't need Viagra.

LAUGHTER

He's a wonderful lover!

He's got an escalator that goes to the top floor.

LAUGHTER

He's clearly a successful businessman. What do we know about his methods?

LAUGHTER

IUD coil? No? I don't know!

LAUGHTER

He's not a gynaecologist.

Whatever he might have told you!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, no!

Yes, this is the news that Mohamed Al Fayed has offloaded Harrods.

The new Qatari owner bought Harrods for one and a half billion pounds.

If only he'd hung on till the sales,

he could have got it for one and a half billion pounds.

Qatar Holdings chairman is...

Which, by the time you add licensed to sell intoxicating spirits

won't quite fit on the sign above the door, will it?

Shall I get rid of this before I put fingers on buzzers?

-No, it's all right, keep that.

-We like that? OK.

It's bugging me, that's all.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.

Oh, I see.

APPLAUSE

BUZZ!

When you're in a play, are you always surprised by how it finishes?

Have you ever done a play where the phone rings and it shouldn't be ringing?

I saw that and the actor...

Everybody looked at the phone startled,

they'd never seen a phone ringing before.

And one of the actors went over to it,

picked it up and said, "It's for you!"

This is people sitting outside a public library.

That's right.

-That's all I know about it.

-Is it?

-This is a library in King's Lynn...

-Where the goblins live.

..in Norfolk.

And they're employing bouncers to keep the peace,

-do we know why?

-They're throwing people in.

Knowledge!

Nobody know?

They've called bouncers in to protect the staff from...

Or in other words -

children.

And what sort of things are the adorable little tykes accused of?

They're not trying to take books out, are they?

According to a local county councillor,

children would not only...

..but also...

Would they put their hands in the air...

like they just don't care?

And how did the Express

bring balance to this story in their headline?

"Burn the library down."

"Says Diana through medium."

APPLAUSE

No, they ran with...

Message boards have been going crazy about this...

Well, that's cleared that up. Time now, for the odd-one-out round,

fingers on buzzers, teams. They are...

Gordon Brown,

Delia Smith's seafood risotto,

tennis player Robert Dee,

and a dish of hummus in the Lebanon.

BUZZ!

Gordon Brown, during the election, by I think a member of Labour,

was described as the worst prime minister ever.

Delia Smith's seaside risotto was described as absolutely disgusting.

Um... Roger Dee, was it? British tennis player, he was accused

of being the worst ever tennis professional,

but I think he sued successfully and proved he wasn't.

He was unsuccessful. I thought you were allowed to describe him

as the worst, cos he lost every match, isn't that right?

A record-breaking 54 straight-set losses on the professional circuit.

And it was only on the Wii.

So, it's about things being the worst thing in the world.

So those three are the worst at what they do and the hummus is the best,

-so that's the odd one out.

-It's pretty good, it's not quite the best.

They've all been described as the worst of their kind,

apart from the big bowl of hummus

which has been described as the largest of its kind.

This week, a team of 300 Lebanese chefs broke the world record

for the biggest bowl of hummus ever made.

Well, that's enough to feed Hampstead for two days.

It took 300 chefs to prepare the dish.

And if you want to imagine what 300 chefs look like,

just turn on your telly and channel hop for a couple of minutes.

It's part of the ongoing hummus war between Lebanon and Israel.

Yes.

Lebanon claims Israel is stealing traditional Arab dishes

and marketing them worldwide as Israeli.

Their latest effort beat the record set by Israel in January this year.

You don't want to be taking Israel on in a war.

And it's a bit near to Hamas really, isn't it?

Labour candidate, Manish Sood, announced that Britain was in a mess

and that the worst prime minister ever was Gordon Brown.

Luckily for his party, the eccentric Mr Sood was standing as a candidate

in a place where Labour didn't have a hope in hell of winning,

Britain.

Fans of the nation's favourite cook, Delia Smith have described her recipe for seafood risotto as

the worst risotto they have ever tasted.

Usually her recipes are praised because people say

they work very well. But this, it didn't, so people created this risotto thing,

and they had to put it into bin liners and take it to the end of the garden and bury it.

Yes. Visitors to the Waitrose website described it as -

And according to one reviewer -

Time for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication...

Well, we were bound to have it one day.

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

Somebody wrote that.

LAUGHTER

Somebody read it.

We start with:

If you know who's on the phone before it answers...before,

oh, for goodness' sake.

-I'll do it for you, if you want.

-Would you mind?

If you know who's on the phone before you answer it then, what?

LAUGHTER

-Was that me? Was that me?

-Yes.

APPLAUSE

..then you're psychic.

Or, you've only got one friend.

Or you've dialled the speaking clock.

And it's rung you back, out of pity.

The answer...

Or more likely, you've got Caller ID.

Next...

Takes the effort out of pillow talk?

Annoys duvet with unfounded gossip.

It's for students to help students revise.

Hey! This is a pillow containing a speaker which can play students pre-recorded lectures

while they sleep. Next...

Oo-oo-oo!

Oo-oo-oo!

Is it, oo-oo-oo, ah-ah-ah!

You just shake your head. They found a chimp who can mimic human actions.

Well done. The answer is shake your head. Quick chimp

head movements mean "no" and quick chimp hand movements mean

"cover your children's eyes."

So, the final scores are,

Ian and Julia have seven. Paul and Chris

have eight.

Oh, it's a robbery.

APPLAUSE

So does that, in the new era, does that technically mean I've won?

Deputy winner.

On which note we say thank you to our panellists

Ian Hislop and Julia Hartley-Brewer,

Paul Merton and Chris Addison.

And I leave you with news that before being accepted by the Conservative Party

Nick Clegg is subjected to one final humiliating public examination.

Honk.

In a pigsty in Somerset there's proof that even the most unlikely coalition can work.

It's a cross between a pig and a High Court judge.

After the voting chaos at UK polling stations a team of international experts flies in to investigate.

As the Tories refuse to agree to the Lib Dem demands to abolish Trident,

Menzies Campbell decides to do it himself.

Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

I've got Wendy Craig's old dressing room.

It's got her initials on the door, anyway.