Episode 9 Have I Got News for You

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm John Prescott. In the news this week -

ten years after being caught fare-dodging,

it looks like Cherie Blair's at it again.

In Westminster, as the new MPs arrive, there's a worrying moment,

when a Commons official asks if anyone wants an expense claim form.

APPLAUSE

On the eve of the carnival,

one Notting Hill resident announced

what he'll be serving from the stall in his front garden.

A lean salad

of lemon-and-lime-marinated roasted tofu,

with baby spinach and rocket,

home-roasted plum tomatoes and grilled ficelle crouton

for just £1.70.

On Ian's team is a comedian from Liverpool.

Is there any other kind of Liverpudlian?

Please welcome John Bishop.

APPLAUSE

And on Paul's team,

a newsreader and presenter who was once named in the FHM magazine

as the 92nd sexiest woman in the world.

So, only 91 places behind Pauline.

That should get me back in the good books.

Please welcome Penny Smith.

APPLAUSE

We start with the biggest stories of the week. Paul and Penny,

take a look at this.

Oh, right, this is the oil leak. There's the black sea.

This is the oil leak in America,

he's finding a bit of sand that's not contaminated by oil.

This is the BP continual failure to stem this terrible leak under the sea.

There was this thing called top kill, which sounded quite good.

-You chuck old golf balls and rubber tyres down this hole to stop it spurting.

-It's top technology.

Remember the boom with the human hair on it

that was supposed to stop it reaching the beaches on Louisiana? Barking.

All they needed to do was get a load of middle-aged men to clear out their belly buttons.

The fluff that's in the middle, that would stop anything!

Just around this table, we could have stopped it... Not you, Penny!

Never, never. You could alternately get lots of really hairy men

to swim through it, soaking it all up.

These ideas aren't THAT much more ludicrous than what BP's been doing!

I think the next one is

they're going to put a million tonnes of chips in and set fire to it.

That sounds very interesting to me!

APPLAUSE

Since the oil well exploded six weeks ago,

BP set up a live video link, showing the damaged pipe gushing oil into the ocean.

Sounds like a brilliant PR move.

Let's have a look at it.

That's like being caught having sex with your wife's sister

and then videoing it and saying,

"I'm sorry, love, but if you want to see what it looked like, this is it."

"I've dropped a massive bollock, but I've filmed it."

BP have tried several ways of stemming the flow of oil.

What was the method known as top hat?

That was putting an enormous bucket on top

and thinking that all the oil would go into that.

And then there was top kill.

Then there's the latest operation which is,

"Oh, no! It won't stop!"

I don't understand how they can have laid all these pipes

under the sea and not thought at any stage,

"Just in case there's some massive cephalopod goes in there

-"and nibbles through one of the pipes..." Well, you never know, do you?

-Do you think that's what it was?

A giant squid?

Cephalopod - I love the fact... I'm never playing Scrabble with you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BP have published a list of helpful contact numbers on their website.

You can see numbers for coastline information,

wildlife distress. If you look closely there's also a number...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Obviously, lots of people are upset about the oil spill.

Here's Senator James Carville talking about Obama.

He just looks like he's not involved in this.

You got to get down here and take control.

Put somebody in charge of this thing and get this thing moving. We're about to die down here!

He's what you want.

Somebody who looks like he sits on benches and shouts at buses.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You know if you're walking through a pub and there's a bloke who looks like that at the bar

and says, "Do you fancy a game of darts?" You go, "No."

The Americans have had a number of strategies. The first was to blame the British,

which worked for a while. It's obviously our fault - British Petroleum.

And now they're blaming Obama because he hasn't personally dived down...

after walking on the water...

and saved them, and they're furious with him.

This is what happens when you're in power, John, you get blamed for everything.

I don't know. I was never in power, but I always got blamed for everything.

This is the biggest ever American oil disaster.

According to the Sun...

..with all the appeal of Belgium.

One of the failed attempts to solve this crisis was to cover the leaking oil pipe

with something described as...

Bloody hell! Has David Cameron been advising them?

Yes, indeed. Bring on the class war!

From Lord Prescott!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The only reason I know I've been booked is to put a Scouser between these two!

To try and get a little bit of balance.

You've been booked to field the first punch.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Have you got a name yet? Are you Lord Prescott of...?

They usually make up a word that sounds like Terry Pratchett...

I only read it in the press. There's been no official communication.

Oh, I've misjudged you! So you're not going to become a lord.

You've stuck to your principles. Well done, John.

-Applause!

-LOUD APPLAUSE

In the British system you are summoned to that. So far it has not happened.

So you can't call me that. So don't kneel at the moment - perhaps later.

Do you say that to all the girls?

Ian and John, here's yours.

Going in...

and coming out.

And there's a feather in the cap.

I met him the first time.

Yes, this is the news that David Laws has resigned.

-How did Laws defend his actions?

-He said he was

safeguarding his privacy.

Um, which I think probably isn't true, technically.

He paid £40,000 to his partner in accommodation fees.

He could have kept the relationship private by not claiming money from the public.

He was a Lib Dem, so being gay is not a problem, there's a long history of it in the party.

LAUGHTER

But was IS a problem is basically fiddling your expenses.

And Nick Clegg promised everything would be cleaner than clean,

one of his opening speeches, he said, "You tell us what laws you don't like".

And it turned out to be David.

LAUGHTER

And he's had to leave.

And it's because the public were sick of people fiddling expenses. Weren't they, John?

-David Laws said...

-All those people who had to pay back money.

I never admitted, that was an insinuation and I never did it, right?

What about the council tax?

I didn't on the council tax, no.

-On Admiralty Arch?

-Admiralty Arch, I paid it.

Yeah, you paid back, didn't you?

-You believe everything in Private Eye.

-Yeah, I do.

Didn't you pay for one of your loo seats, though?

A loo seat? Another story, totally untrue. I have never had the taxpayer pay for my loo seats!

LAUGHTER

Just checking!

It's true, I bought two loo seats. the taxpayer didn't.

Was it for the same loo?

Pardon?

LAUGHTER

What, a double-decker system?

-Yes! Top kill!

-Yeah.

I admitted to having bulimia and everybody thought it was connected to the toilet seat.

So, the toilet seats, you were quite clean on that one?

It wasn't true that the taxpayer paid for those toilet seats!

It was cleared! Because some Tory reported me to the parliamentary commission...

Oh, bastards!

..and admitted it wasn't true! That'll do for me.

What about the mock Tudor beam?

The same, that was inquired into after a complaint by a Tory

and they said it was a replacement of rotten wood, as in other buildings,

-which is allowed under maintenance.

-Right.

So we didn't pay for the loo seat, but we did pay for a lot of other shit you did?

LAUGHTER

Well, you can put it like that(!)

Anyway.

-LAUGHTER

-David Laws...

David Laws said...

To which one colleague said...

Typical Lib Dem.

LAUGHTER

Apart from his desire to protect his privacy,

how did Laws defend paying his partner with taxpayers' money?

He said it was of no financial benefit to him,

um, and that he could have been richer if they bought a mortgage together.

I'm glad John's adopting a strong position on that,

"I'm using publicly funded buildings for secret love trysts, honestly."

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I just want to say, if the producers are watching, I'm not taking the first punch.

LAUGHTER

He's on my right, not the left.

But he actually said...

LAUGHTER

He has said they hadn't really been in a marriage. In a statement, Mr Laws said...

Certainly sounds like marriage to me.

Don't it, love?

LAUGHTER

My point entirely!

LAUGHTER

-What do you know about his partner, James Lundie?

-Isn't he a lobbyist?

-He is.

Sadly.

I gather he's gay.

LAUGHTER

And I think he might even be a Lib Dem!

Well, according to the Telegraph, he's universally rated as...

And according to the journalist Lynn Barber,

he's very knowledgeable about sharks.

And according to Lundie's Twitter feed on the 19th March...

You can for 40 grand!

Laws has been replaced by Danny Alexander.

Why did he get that job?

I think there's a little aura of ginger about him and if you look across the Cabinet,

that was the ethnic group that's completely missed.

I had no idea you were so sophisticated!

The paper spotted Danny Alexander's uncanny resemblance to somebody this week.

He's been nicknamed "Beaker" after the TV Muppet.

He's not the only politician to look like a Muppet, though -

there's also the Cookie Monster.

Ooh. Cookie!

APPLAUSE

For an awful moment, I thought you said, "Nookie!"

The other political story this week is the Dissolution Honours List.

-Ian.

-Oh, right, yes. No!

A number of very unlikely people have been made peers this week.

Though some of them haven't, and have renounced it publicly on television.

APPLAUSE

Which is good.

Cos otherwise, there'd be some criticism.

-Of course, the Commons' loss...

-Are you going to take it? That's the big story.

-When they invite me, I'll tell you.

-OK.

And if you take it, will it be because your wife told you to?

-No, certainly not.

-Cos I keep reading in interviews with you...

I told you, it's like Private Eye. You can't believe everything you read in the papers.

If you read an interview in The Scotsman, where they write the words you say to them,

and they seem to contain the phrase, "I will never take a peerage", or, "my wife told me to",

-are we to assume you never said anything?

-Yes.

-Untrue, that.

-Completely untrue?

-Yes. I'll tell you the trouble with journalists.

They get it all on the cuttings. They don't ask you,

-they see a cutting...

-Were you not interviewed by The Scotsman?

I don't know whether I was.

No, you see, that's the trouble with politicians.

-They never remember anything!

-No! We get interviewed by a lot of people,

and you have to be honest in your reply - I can't remember.

But if you asked me, did I say that? I'd say no.

-No, but do you always...

-Do you believe everything you read?

-Obviously not.

Do you believe everything that YOU say?

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

Well, I mean, that might be unusual, but yes, I do.

-Of course, the Commons' loss is the Lords' gain.

-Yes.

How will the Commons cope without my debating skills?

Just look at what they'll be missing.

-THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

-Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.

-..put up taxes on the poor in order to...

-Gentlemen!

-How many elections have you...?

-Nothing.

-In all fairness...

-No, it's all yak, yak, yak.

Perhaps that's not the behaviour we expect from a Lord.

But then, neither is this.

How does this region get out of recession?

Oh...

APPLAUSE

This is the resignation of David Laws.

This story, once again, proves how important it is for an MP

to be squeaky clean about their expenses.

Which is why I, for one, never claimed one penny for my second home, The Hull Meat Pie Shop.

Time now for round two. Prescott Egg Of News.

I don't know if you remember, but someone threw an egg at me once. In case you don't, here's a reminder.

Ah, the dignity of office!

Well, Tony told me to go out and connect with the election. So I did.

Looking at that individual, I'd have hit him just for his haircut.

In Prescott Egg Of News, an egg will be thrown,

and will then smash to reveal a news story of the week.

Buzz if you know what that story is.

BUZZ

This is such a lovely story about the pensioner who shaved ten miles off the marathon

by taking a sneaky shortcut and then ending up in the Guinness Book of Records!

Unfortunately, he actually finished before he actually started!

He finished in three hours and five minutes, setting the fastest time

ever recorded by anyone over 65.

Over a distance of 12 miles.

Why were suspicions first aroused that something fishy had gone on?

He beat the team from Kenya.

Each runner has a microchip, which track their progress.

According to the Telegraph...

He just jumped!

In other sporting news, the England World Cup squad has left for South Africa.

Who got left behind?

Young Theo wasn't allowed into the squad.

I was gutted(!) Gutted!

Leaving out Theo. What is Fabio playing at?

This is pensioner Anthony Gaskell, who has been accused

of cheating in the London Marathon.

He was officially recorded as the fastest pensioner,

but according to the Daily Mail...

Strip a man of his title? Is that possible?

Mr Gaskell's shortcut was found out because each runner is given a chip.

Make it a bag, throw in a few scraps and I'll run the damn race!

Fingers on the buzzer, teams.

BELL RINGS

A man with the worst shirt...ever.

This is the Japanese Prime Minister, who's causing a bit of a scandal

in his country because of this shirt.

Many different colours, it belonged to Joseph before him.

And other people in Japan now see this as a great fashion item.

Yes, this is the...

HE LAUGHS I just did it as a joke!

So did he, clearly!

The Prime Minister has a long history of fashion crimes.

-That's all right.

-Early Elvis.

Early Lionel Blair.

Oh, Noel Edmonds!

Any comments, Paul?

-No...

-I think you borrowed that one, didn't you?

I really like that blouse, it's really pretty.

I tell you what, it feels lovely!

-Ooh.

-And the shirt does too.

This is sexual harassment in the workplace.

Closer to home, Ian, who else has been picked up

on their fashion sense, this week?

Why did you say "Ian" in that way?

Because I'm known for my fashion sense.

I am the Gok Kwan...

LAUGHTER

-Actually, it's Theresa May.

-Oh!

According to the Mail, she's worn this jacket

for every key event of the last fortnight.

Expenses aren't what they used to be.

It looks as though it needs the helmet put down.

She's been wearing it that long, she's got a parking meter on it!

Look at him, there.

She's accused by the Mail of attending meetings of the new Cabinet wearing...

Though unlike Thunderbirds, there's no Brains.

-GROANING

-Fingers on the buzzer, teams.

BUZZ

This is the anniversary of the driving test.

70, 80 years ago, something like that.

In Ireland in 1970, such was the backlog of people who had applied for driving licences

that they couldn't get a test for years, so the Irish government said,

"If you've got a provisional, you've passed".

Yes, yes. It's 75 years old. Can you guess the headline?

It's an L of an anniversary.

LAUGHTER

Don't boo me, I've been asked what the papers are saying.

I'm a professional comic, I don't go round doing jokes like that.

Unless it gets a laugh, of course.

-Is this on?

-One L of a birthday.

-One L of a birthday, I was right.

Thank you. Thanks very much.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And I'd like to see us return to a black and white world.

What are you clapping that for, it's an idiotic thing to say!

I like this as well, I like the fact that they've got

the first photograph of dogging ever to take place.

Who remembers Maureen?

Maureen?

I've read your CV, John, but it's just not...

Maureen...

She was the one that took the driving test the most times ever.

And then she went and got her own reality TV show

where she essentially went round bumping in to things,

a bit like a dodgem car.

One of those reality TV shows that should have been called,

There Is Someone Thicker Than You.

Penny's absolutely right,

she's Maureen from the reality TV show, Driving School.

Who eventually passed her test after eight attempts.

Here she is in action.

I told you to slow down, didn't I?

CAR HORN BLASTS Whoa!

What did you do that for, I could have been over there?

-The car was up your

-BLEEP!

I could have been off!

What did you do that for, I could have been off!

Right, no pass. No pass.

That's it.

-I could have been off in the first place, you silly

-BLEEP!

That looked a little bit staged to me.

Are you saying reality shows are faked?

I'd say you've filmed an awful lot of her driving before you got

an incident like that so close in the camera.

Imagine filming loads of stuff

just so you'd get half an hour's programme out of it.

It really depends who's driving.

APPLAUSE

-Time now for the missing words round.

-Oh, good.

Which this week features as its guest publication

The British Beermat Collectors Society newsletter.

And we start with...

I've got a Cabinet post and I'm going home to my mate.

I've got caught out and I'm going home to face the missus.

The answer is...

But luckily I'm going to become a Lord!

And I'm going...

Can we do that again, cos the twit at the end here.

-Want to do it again?

-Yeah, do it again.

-Yeah, let's do it again.

-OK.

I've got what and I'm going home to what?

I've got caught and I'm going home to the missus!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The answer is my iPad and I'm going home to stroke it.

This is Stephen Fry, who is overjoyed at the launch

of the new iPad this week.

According to The Times...

Shops haven't seen anything like this

since the launch of my autobiography.

Still available in all good pound shops.

Next.

Attract randy seagulls...

Is it, become a peer of the realm?

If your beer mat collection has been somewhat spoiled by beer,

it's relatively easy to remove the stain from the cardboard by rubbing moist bread over the affected areas.

The answer is...

Yes!

APPLAUSE

Next...

He's a Conservative.

He's gay too.

The answer is...

This is the Prime Minister of New Zealand,

who told reporters he had a vasectemney...

LAUGHTER

Vasectomy!

You won't know...

You will not know how long this afternoon

I've been trying to do that word.

LAUGHTER

Oh, come on! You're being mean.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, I...

-That's a pretty small mistake

in the light of the last 15 years!

Go on, John. Give it a go. Take a deep breath.

-OK, then...

-Think of being handed a very, very delicate vase,

piece of porcelain,

and sort of, "Vase, 'eck, to me" - there we are.

-Don't start...!

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Vase, 'eck, to me!

-Let me go!

-OK, go!

-PENNY: Unleash the beast.

Are you doing the first bit first, right?

First part first, second part second...

-LAUGHTER

-Let's do every single word at once!

Bloody hell!

-Do I read that out?

-Yeah, read that out.

-OK!

PENNY: Yeah.

Do you want a...?

Give him some more!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the Prime Minister of New Zealand, who told the reporters

he'd had a snip.

This could be confusing, this could be confusing.

If you went to the barber's and he said,

"Do you fancy a snip behind the ear",

you're in trouble.

I AM in trouble.

So, the final scores are,

Ian and John, 2...

IAN LAUGHS

..Paul and Penny, 6.

I don't know how these scores are made up.

APPLAUSE

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Paul and Penny have this...

PENNY: Do you know, what is this thing about keeping your balls up?

What is the p...? Is it difficult?

Do we care?

It's considered an inherent part of the game

to be able to control the ball.

But if I'm not much mistaken, David Cameron is not a footballer.

The ball may be suspended by a piece of wire, we really don't know,

but we can see there he is appearing with Britain's leading crisp salesman.

Ian and John get that...

JOHN: Capello finally finds someone who's good in a box.

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and John Bishop,

Paul Merton and Penny Smith,

and I leave you with the news

that after new expense regulations are brought in,

Hazel Blears reluctantly agreed to get rid of her second home.

It's another meeting in the Cabinet Office

and the usual volunteer offers to go and get the coffees.

PENNY: Oh!

There are cheers all round as another Lib Dem MP

emerges from David Cameron's brainwashing chamber.

And in central London, some good news at last.

There's a parking space right outside Greggs, the bakers.

Good night.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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