Episode 1 Have I Got News for You

After more flooding hits Tewkesbury, one resident realises that he may

have put the sandbags on the wrong side of the door. In an advance

training exercise at JFK Airport, one unfortunate customs officer is

chosen to play the role of Julian Assange. With Paul tonight is a

politician who lost the London Mayoral election in 2008 and lost

again in 2012. In the racing world, once you stop winning you are

retired and put out to stud. Oh sorry - you already have been!

Please welcome Ken Livingstone. And with Ian tonight is a writer famous

for penning Father Ted of which he says, "Ted is so fondly remembered,

I'll probably have it on my gravestone". Let's hope that

gravestone never has to be crushed and used as landfill. It's Graham

Linehan. And we start with the bigger stories of the week. Ian and

Graham, have a look at this. $$WHITE. Yes they're standing, but

they're not standing for him. There's the star of the show. And

there's someone who didn't turn up. And there's the Prime Minister

going out to have a curry. With just the two of them and a

photographer. So this is the Tory conference, which was incredibly

exciting, because the leader op the Conservative Party, Boris Johnson...

Well if you're watching the repeat it is. There is a fantastic moment

in Boris Johnson's speech when the Prime Minister was sitting in the

audience, fantastically patronising, he just said, "Is Dave here? Dave

you're here, yeah." Who would have thought that the leader of the

Conservative Party would have been at the Conservative Party

conference? His stock was boosted by the success of the Olympics.

Here is what he said about it: You and me both, mate! It is an

incredible set of speeches, because he made the Tory party conference

give Ken Livingstone a round of applause. I'll never recover from

that! Let's look at that moment. is the moment to say thank you to

Tony Blair, Tessa Jowell and, yes, Ken Livingstone! Thank you. Right.

I really think Ken, there is no coming back from that one. You just

got a clap from Tory party conference. If that hasn't finished

you, nothing will! He had to go. He has been clapping without telling

them why they were clapping. So they were completely in thrall to

him at the moment. And you have got to bear in mind it was after

listening to George Osborne - anything's going to be uplifting

after that. Osborne got through a whole speech without being booed.

It's pretty good. There is a simple way of finding out how popular a

politician is, as we can see hear from the Paralympics. The medals

tonight will be presented by the right honourable, George Osborne,

MP. Chancellor of the Exchequer. CROWD BOOS. I think it's worth the

whole �9 billion of taxpayers money. You said 9 billion, but you didn't

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 66 seconds

bid 9 billion, it was worth about What did David Cameron do in an

attempt to boost his popularity? Cut his throat? We would have heard

about that! According to the Neill, he spent the week being bombarded

with abuse will stop then he joined Twitter. You are on Twitter all the

time? What did David Cameron say? don't know. On the substance of the

conference, what with the big policy announcements this week?

we're going back to being a nasty party. We have had seven years Kaka

and now they dumped all that. They But you can beat up burglars now,

so long as you're not grossly disproportionate, so you can kill

them, but you can't poo on their head! And just to make sure that we

were certain of what we could and couldn't do, Justice Secretary

Chris Grayling told the Today programme: $$YELOW Thanks Chris.

drag him outside and run over him with a car. What did George Osborne

promise to clamp down on at this year's conference? Non--

millionaires! $$green Anything that's still nice. Work shy

scroungers was the phrase. Ken there has been a row about The BBC

is paying people as companies rather than individuals. I've

always thought of you as a person and a very individual person. But

you I have found out you're a company and respect, well done.

Congratulations. Well if you want advice about how to run your city,

that's what we provide. I'm not a city. I know. So you wouldn't come

to me, would you? I'm a farm. field! I'd like to be an area of

outstanding natural beauty. But I'm not. So you're a company are you

Ken? That offers advice on running a city? Yeah. With a straight face?

Yeah. So you didn't set up the company to lower your tax rate.

mean the only way you lower your tax rate is if you have some off-

shore holding and you funnel it all through that. Private Eye has a

column on that every week. I know, how it works. I'm interested in

yours. I employ an economist, I employ a press officer. I employ my

wife as my secretary. Well that's obviously straight. It is. I mean

do you want to spend all your time handling all my e-mails and

letters? No, but you could. I can't I'm flying around the worlds

advising people on how to screw up their city. In the interest of

balance I do have to mention the Liberal Democrats conference. Done

that now! And finally who would like too see Eddie Mare's giant arm

on Newsnight. The mill bands and Cameron speeches were good in their

own way. Doesn't he qualify for the Paralympics. He would be good at

swimming. Javelin. Basketball. Banking. Not every discipline is an

Olympic sport. It is the conference season and that marks the start of

autumn and the snuffing out of Olympic feel good factor. Boris

Johnson, once your a mop top hosting a news quiz. Then your u

you're a Prime Minister in waiting. My campaign starts here and

remember a Balding Britain is a better Britain! That is a slogan I

like. Look at this. Well I had a look at somebody's internet machine,

I understand there was a hoax thing put on there 12 years ago. But

because people have forgotten. was on the show. And apparently I

tore into him. But now people claim to have seen it. None of that

happened. People said, I definitely saw that, why has Paul Merton

denyped it on radio two. I have been brainwashed. If I have, then

how do I know? But it didn't happen. It was a hoax. But... Have we got

footage of that Yes. We have. live in a caravan. Nor 12 years,

yes. What do you do in the caravan. Anything I can get me hands on.

was good at hiding in plain sight with that kpwhepbts. Apparently his

biography is full of him admitting this and he created a smoke screen

comprised of the truth. It is a brilliant disguise, you dress as a

paedophile. I'm glad the BBC asked this. I'm sure this will be cut and

show on ITV in three weeks time. But the thing they find annoying is

the press's, oh what a shock, this revelation There is a why didn't

the BBC reveal it? Well the press didn't either. It what is the the

words no means F you say I knew about it, you mean you had heard

the rumours. Everyone had if you knew about it. You should have done

something. The only people who know about it are people to whom it's

happened and they tend to be... Disadvantaged and 12 and that is

why nothing came out. It is dis gusting the way the press you it

against the BBC or any institution. I saw one that blamed the NHS for

him wandering around hospitals and state schools. It is just... So

weird. It is incredible the way they will take a serious subjects

and twist it into a political attack. People were saying, he died

and there were programmes say he was a much-loved national tresh?

Was he everyone loved Jimmy Savile when he came on I thought, urgh. I

didn't shout your a paedophile, because I didn't know. You need

evidence. When that fake transcript came up, the only reason I knew, I

was outside a cinema and youp of - o' group of skin heads said, well

done getting the paedo. I didn't know what they were talking about.

No one knew and if they did, they should be prosecuted. Well that is

comic gold. The resources a paper like the Sun or The Mirror will put

on to dig out something about someone who is famous. How could he

get away with this. Didn't he spend a day at checkors with Margaret

Thatcher? That may be an answer to your question. I'm sure the idea

that you know people at the right the top. I like David Cameron

knowing Murdoch, well not equiver lebts obviously. The daily mail

tried to turn it into an argument about the leverson efpbgry and say

said, phone hack bg was - hacking was bad but it was used for tittle-

tattle. The thing that is sad, the people the people with Jim'll Fix

It badges and they have that memory just wiped. We should get those

badges and we can organise this, this is something Twitter would be

good for. Get them and melt them down and turn into them into a

giant stake and drive it through his grave! And there is the

opportunity to stick the boot into the BBC sm although they would

never have been interested in rumours about celebrities or young

girls. The daily mail online published this picture. Is that a

paparazzi snap. Done with consent. It look like it was done with an

iPhone. It says she is 14 posing with a bathing suit and displayed

her trim figure. She is 14. This a awful. They do it all the time.

There isn't a story that isn't about a woman and commenting on

what she look like, either too fat, too thin, too many children, not

enough children. Then they say women can't have it all. No,

because you keep telling us that. But some of Rus happy.

experiment you can do with Mail online puts in the phrase "Old

grown up, in the search bar, all you will get it stories about young

girls hitting their 16th birthday with a frafr. It is like a dog

whistle for you're now allowed to letch over this girl. One ray of

sunshine there is a no one will ever need or want to do Sav

impressions again. -- Jimmy Saville impressions again. There is still a

costume you can get online. According to the Sana'a keeper,

when Jimmy Savile visited hospital, he visited Yorkshire Ripper. To

round two, the picture spinnakers. Hands on buzzers. That could keep

spinning for ever and I would never know. Is it an early... I was

thinking and Ernie descendant. It makes it very difficult to walk.

Especially if your genitals have been replaced by a torch or stop

the it is what we will be in the future. We will wear our stomachs

on the inside -- outside? Experts have predicted that everyone will

look like this. How drug where they when the predicted this? Apparently

we will all be less hairy, have large eyes to compensate for small

amounts and have quadruple chins. Why have we got torches as

genitals? So we can kiss in the dark. We do anyway will stop in

1000 years, we will all look like a Wayne Rooney action figure that has

been left to close to the radiator. Science tests predict that our

brains will reduce in size so it over the next 1000 years, our

brains are getting smaller, that means that Jedward are ahead of us.

He has finally been airlifted to America. He can not face trial

there. It took 14 years here. It took one morning in America. But

they have taken away his hook. So he appeared without his hook.

gave him a plunger. They had given him a pair of rubber hands. D'you

know anything about the hands he has been given? Are they the hands

of a concert pianist? He will receive Custom made hands in the

coming weeks. I am sorry, I don't like making jokes about it. I don't

think he is a fount of comedy. Given that the last round, he is

gold! Which are unlikely person found themselves in the extradition

row over the summer? The Queen. She said to the BBC's Frank Gardner, I

don't see why we can't not get rid of him, he has rather annoying. But

in an, kill him, way. She was very good at the Olympics! That Corkey

was so good. He died. The dog fox, it is never going to get any better.

He just keeled over. You can make jokes about Jimmy Savile but not

about the dog dying. There is a hoax about when he appeared on this

programme... Speaking have ideological lunatics, Ken... Why

has it been a better quick for your friend? He got elected with a 10%

lead. When he turned up to cast his own vote, he was greeted by a

surprising fan, Danny Glover was there. But you're still his best

friend. This is the extradition. He was finally extradited and flown

into New York. Though disappointingly for him, into an

airport not a tall building. After his plane landed in New York, his

haircut was confiscated by security. An embarrassing miss by a British

airport security, though to be fair, they can just get his bottle of

suncream. Now for a bonus round. Come here! It has been a big week

for people doing ridiculously dangerous stunts. Let us play the

wheel of idiots. That is Lance Armstrong, who is a cheat. This is

the guy he went up three miles and jumped out and came down again.

was 22 miles up, it is an extraordinary thing. Higher than

any human being has ever looked. He is going to break the sound barrier.

The landing is the tricky bit! was hoping to be the first free-

falling a human to break the sound barrier. What are the major risks?

How long have you got! Let's look at how it will unfold. That is the

moment when I would be thinking, this was a mistake. That is the

sound barrier. It is not a bungee jump, is it? This is the 23 miler

freefall. If you were watching a repeat, that is the late stuntmen.

The last spinner... Brilliant! was a cockroach eating competition.

The man one and then collapsed in agony. Who would have thought that

was bad for you. Edward was his name and he did take part in this

cockroach eating competition in Florida and he did win the

competition but yes, he died. it is hysterical. Any guesses as to

what the prize was? A giant bust of Lyndon Johnson. The prize,

according to the Telegraph, was a python. Marginally better than

that-eating contest where the prize was a cockroach. I had a pet python

as a kid and I turned out all right. I had an alligator as well, I was

really weird. Where? In my bedroom will stop there was the bed and

then three rows of tanks all the way around, filled with tropical

frogs, snakes, an alligator. I also had a pet ostrich. You only just

remembered? A I must have had hundreds. A couldn't keep the

ostrich in your bedroom? It was when I was trekking across the

desert. I carried it under my arm. Did you think you were a lot Hull?

Time now for the missing words round which this week features

horse brass, the journal of the How much I enjoy dressing horses in

How much I enjoy dressing horses in Border. Very good. The rush for

cosmetic surgery. Close, big noses. Afghan women are having surgery to

enlarge their noses to help find a husband. Over here the quickest way

for a woman to get an enlarged nose is to go out with Justin Lee

Last horses? Is it a toilet seats? Don't be ridiculous. I thought it

might look like a horse brass. is a smaller version of a toilet

seat? The answer is bottle openers. In July's edition, the editor

Converts to Methodism. Quite close. The answer is a causes a fierce row.

Members of Reading universities's Axis society were thrown at of a

freshers fair because it has played a pineapple called Muhammad Bostock

it provoked strong debate on both sides.

Mark before we go, time for the caption competition. Horse invents

Pot noodle phone and allows him to speak directly to a brick wall!

Finally? Kaka Ken, you have lost the election! On which note, we say

thank you to the panellists. I leave you with news that after

another she is hijacked of the North African coast, the Somalian

ambassador is summoned to the White House. Members of China's Olympic